Harmful If Swallowed(Or Heard, Or Seen)

Dane Cook is probably the most super unfunny comedian I have ever had the misfortune of hearing. What the fuck does this guy think hes doing? Seriously, how is telling a bullshit story followed by some random phrase a joke? There is no punchline, no nothing. Oooooh, I should laugh because someone shit on the coats. The dude just runs around on the stage, waves his arms around like a retarded 3rd grader who had one too many Runts, and makes a "brah" face. How is this funny?

Trust me, my brothers both love this guy. I have tried to listen to his bullshit, but I get nothing. There is one story (I can't say joke) about a friend no one likes that I found amusing, but the rest is lowbrow brah junk.

In honor of Cinderfella Dana Dane, I'm going to do a Dane Cook routine. Imagine me in a Polo shirt with jock hair and you get the setting.

"Dude, you ever like, go out to the bar and get completely shitfaced? I did one time with my buddy Jeff and this Somali cab driver came and got us. He made me pour his FUCKING tea and dropped us off by the river. Then, like, Jeff had to take a piss, so he, like took a HUGE leak on a toad. And I was like, Brah, why are you toad pissin? WHY ARE YOU FUCKING TOAD PISSIN?" END SCENE.

In conclusion, Dane Cook is a major tool.

Jesus, Take The Wheel

I want Carrie Underwood to be my country fed wifey. We could have a hometown honeymoon, wildflowers and lovin in bloom. Come on, I know you read this. As Martin Fry of ABC put it, "be near me, be near."

School is almost done, thank goodness. I can't wait, can't wait for it to be over so I can work 40 hours a week and stroll around the house in the semi-nude and play FIFA and maybe Zelda for the Wii. And, for those who care, I became a pro at Wii bowling again, only to lose it the same night.

I went real bowling last night, and I was doin' pretty fine before my old friend Sam Adams kicked my ass. I'm pretty sure that in the last game, I bowled a 70. I shit you not. Stanks a million to everyone who bought me shit that night (and to Jeff for the RATM live disc, it ROQQQS!), it made for a fun 24th.

The Cuts:
"You Are" Sir Lionel
"Killing In The Name" Rage
"Dare" Gorillaz
"Lazy Eye" Silversun Pickups
Anything that Jimmy Page/Robert Plant touched (I'm diggin mad Led Zep right now, and that "Sea Of Love" cover is dope too)

I Don't Like Mondays. I Wanna Shoot, Shoot The Whole Day Down

I hate Mondays, I hate German, I hate that Manchester United was defeated THREE times in a row by the computer in FIFA 2004. I love Pineapple Fanta, but I hate that I can't get it anywhere in Minneapolis, yet there was an empty 12 pack in the dumpster at work. I love pizza, but I'm sick of the frozen stuff. I love the Wii, probably more than I could ever love a woman. I also love Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker" game and the three Michael Jackson Terminators and the MIDI versons of MJs songs. And I love LeBron James. I am a witness.

The Cuts For Monday:
"I Love It When You Call" The Feeling
"I Don't Like Mondays" Boomtown Rats
"Nitro" The Offspring
"Vultures" John Mayer
"93 Til Infinity" Souls Of Mischief
"Wig Wam Bam" The Sweet

I'm Having a Breakdown, I'm Going Insane

Holy shit I'm mentally beat. Let's list why, shall we?

• I had a ten page case study due Monday that I spent all weekend working on
• I have to present that case study (via PowerPoint) today. Twelve minutes of material my ass
• I had a seven page paper in Comm Studies due this morning, which I was up until 2:30 last night writing
• I had a German test yesterday, and a German Essay due Monday
• All THREE of my finals are on Monday, December 18th stacked on top of each other
• My computer sucks
• I work 34 hours this week, mainly closing shifts
• I think my beloved grey hoodie shrunk up in my shithole dryer
• I have a lingering feeling that there are more mice in my basememt
• I don't have enough cash to go Christmas shopping
• My phone bill is due. When you say $49.99 the motherfucker should be that, CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW ASSHOLES!!!!
• The refrigerator at work froze all the sammiches and overpriced sparkling fruit juice
• The Pamela/Kid Rock heps fairytale is over
• The Vikings still look shitty even though they won on Sunday
• Against my better judgement, I like the new My Chemical Romance album
• The Albert Hammond Jr. solo disc is import only
• It's like 30 below outside and it was 60 yesterday
• T.O ain't dead
• I cannot have a stiff drink until midnight Friday
• Because of work Friday, I cannot see the Burden Brothers
• I have no ass
• I'm not in bed right now
• My Veggie Burrito from Baja Sol was subpar at best
• I haven't seen boobies since the beginning of the Iraq War
• My hair always mullets out in back, no matter what I do to tame it
• I'm not at pro level in Wii Sports Bowling
• I'm not playing Wii Bowling
• The Twins did not make a good free agent signing yet
• I need another T.H., but all the shitty Gopher Express has is sugar free
• No one has texted me all day

There you have it, folks. Like they used to say in the old beer commercials, "Head for the mountains of Busch....Beer."

Stank You Very Much

The Cowboys-Bucs game was a rout, but it wasn't the football that got me amped. No, it was the dual performances of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. I wonder if they maybe hugged afterward and talked about American Idol. Then they preceded to get closer, and before you know it, a full blown makeout session. Yep, I bet that's what happened.

Oh, and the sweet potatoes my mommy made were tops. Along with the biscuits that Pillsbury made.

Lilac Wine Is Heady

I think that I am one of the few who do this, but I actively observe random people when I'm out in public. I do not view this as perverted or weird, it's just something that I do to pass the time. Well, I was on the commuter bus and I couldn't get a seat, mainly because of this random punk chick (who looked like Darlene from "Roseanne" except way more ugly). When Sarah Gilbert actually scooted her ass over, I saw a couple across from me.

The girl was cutesy and under made up (the type that doesn't know she is actually good looking) and the guy was really dopey looking and dressed rather schleppily (the type who looks like he's played a little too much Halo in his dorm with a dude named Jeremy). Both had the look of total unhappiness that one only gets when they are totally uncomfortable with their current situation. At one point, the guy kissed the girl on the cheek and then looked around as if to say, "I have a girlfriend. Does anyone care?" The guy kept yanking at his T-Shirt to cover up his stomach, and they both just looked off into space for the whole bus ride, save for a few awkward head-on-the-shoulder moments.

God, I felt sorry for them. What I saw, at least, was two people who were either way uncomfortable with each others company or so comfortable with each other they were bored. Both looked trapped. As someone who has been in a relationship that probably went on too long, I know the signs. Shit, I wanted to yell at both of them "you're fucking 19 (couldn't be older than that). Life is way too short to be doing this to yourselves."

Funny part about all this was I was listening to my iPod, as I usually do when I am riding public transport. After "Picnic By The Motorway" by Suede got done (as I was about to leave the bus) "Teenage Love" by Slick Rick came on. I found this too apt, so I decided to skip it and play "Eternal Life" by Jeff Buckley. The only rocking song on "Grace." The direction he should have went, so hipsters and fake sensitive types wouldn't have claimed him for their own. I wonder if Jeff was trapped in a meaningless relationship in college? Probably not. I bet he did OK with the ladies, though.

Kyrie Elasion Down The Road That I Must Travel

I just drank three Diet Cokes and a tall coffee and I am AMPED!! I figure that this is what taking some really cheap speed feels like.

The song "Kyrie" by Mr. Mister is my new "makes me feel impervious to damage" anthem. I heard this like five minutes ago and I felt like kickin a whole bunch of white folks asses then jumping off the Washington Avenue bridge. I wouldn't get hurt at all, cause this song was playing. Then "Photograph" by Def Lep came on right after that, and I felt even more pumped. Damn, what 80s cheese can do to a soul.

Okayplayer had a post on its "Lesson" message board about the greatest Prince guitar solo, and everyone got super pissed that "I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man" wasn't included in the official poll. I concur. This is, far and away, my favorite Prince guitar solo. And I'm pretty sure that either this or "When You Were Mine" is my favorite Prince song. It's kind of like naming a favorite Beatles or Dylan or Stones song, though. There's just so damn many to choose from.

Final note: I saw some douchecock in Subway pouring his fountain soda like it was a keg beer. I hope he avoided all that head on his Diet Coke.

I Live For The WEEKends, I Live For The WEEKends

Sorry about a lack of update. As Jesse "Red" Lind would say, "lack Cub, laaaack". But, I digress.

Quades wedding was really fun. Mark and my brothers had a wrestling match, and I gambled with some old creeps at the VFW. The priest was a creep, though. He made us line up all weird, and then when we didn't do it to his liking, he asked "don't you even know how to make a V?" What a child molester.

I also saw Borat last weekend. Funniest movie ever. Thats all I got. I have never laughed so hard at anything in my life. The whole point of the movie was to show peoples racist thinking and make fun of stereotypes. Its funny that some people think that the movie is racist against the Jews when the creator/star is an orthodox Jew. It just goes to show that people cannot take a joke.

You Can Make It If You Try

Ya know what really grinds my gears? Those dudes who look like Hyde from That 70s Show. And those dudes who act like they are too cool to give a shit. I had the best combo of these two when I went to purchase my music mags today. Some Danny Masterson wannabe actually shrugged at me and didn't even say a word while he rung me up. And he was wearing some 60s shades. What a tool. You are really fucking cool, brah. I hope I didn't harsh your mellow. And I wish you the best of luck with the date rape at the soap party on Saturday.

Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog

There is this crazy ass show on KARE at 1:30 every night where this guy hawks a book about how herbs can cure disease. I was initially intrigued, I guess, because it was either that or Access Hollywood. But then the great crazy shit starts flying. Some of the "facts" that Herb throw out:

-The U.S . Government will not allow the sale of herbs for medicinal purpose due to the fact that they aren't pharmaceutical.
-The dudes book sold 60 million! Copies and spent "a long time" on the NYT best seller list.
-There is an herb that cures AIDS in South America that the government won't publicize.
-Herbs can cure not only AIDS, but the Herps and the Heps

After seeing this tard douche and his metrosexual co-host go on about this stuff for about ten minutes, I shut my TV off (which was hard to do due to the ghost that lives in our basement.) Best part was that I saw it on KARE at 11AM on Saturday at the gym. I guess everyone has a price. I cant help but wonder what the kids who stayed tuned after "Saved By The Bell: Holy Shit Screech is the Principal" thought about this one.

Unrelated note: How did I go 400 posts without using Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog as a title? I'm saying it here, I'm probably using it again. It's WAY too good.

Cinderfella Jake A Jake

Not too much going on these days. I wake up and teardrops they fall down like rain. Oh wait, that's a shitty Rascal Flats song. I'm b.a.f. in the basement of Coffman sitting on a Mac (how I hate their keyboard, mouse and everything about them. Everything). I'm psyched cause I'm going to see Lyrics Born tomorrow night. Then on Friday, I'm dining at B'Way buffet and seeing Borat before Quades grooms dinner/reception. I still can't believe that I'm in a wedding, or that someone I've been close with for nearly a decade is getting married. Odd. And I have no plans for marriage (mainly because I'm a jaded/lonely curmudgeon) or kids (mainly because the idea of a diaper is gross-a-roo) so it will be interesting to see how this whole thing works. I have only had two friends of mine get married. I guess as I get older, more will. I don't know where I'm going with this so I will end it on this note:
HINDER FUCKING SUCKS.

The McRib Is Back, And You Know It Will Never Ever Be Whack

THE McFUCKING RIB IS BACK!! The most glorious words ever typed! My day started off really shitty (I had a quiz that I was late to because of an accident in the Lowry Tunnel) but quickly turned when I happened upon the Dinkytown McDonalds. Out front a huge banner prophisized it: THE McRIB IS BACK! Oh shit, my mind was made up for lunch. The only question was this: do I eat two or three? Well, I went with two and guess what? MOUTHGASM! That's right, they are just as good as I remember them.

My joy is tempered with the sadness that will occur when McRib decides to go back to the limited time retirement home (along with OOPS! All Berries and Gingerbread Lattes). I can only wait for McRib's triumphant return next year around this time. Until then, I will continue to eat the shit out of McRib.

I Don't Want Your Love To Bring Me Down

I have been listening to these late 70s and 80s airchecks for KDWB and WLOL lately. This stuff is priceless. Both stations were playing MC Hammer weekend tickets, and one had a KDWB Top Eight at Eight with the following (im assuming winter of '90, by the songs)
#8-"So Close" Hall and Oates (Produced by Bon Jovi!)-Never Heard this one
#7 "Unskinny Bop" Poison
#6 "Freedom '90" George Michael
#5 "Ice Ice Baby" Vanilla Ice
#4"Blaze Of Glory" Jon Bon Jovi
#3 Wasnt Listed
#2 "U Can't Touch This-MC Hammer
#1 "Cradle Of Love" Billy Idol

They also gave away tickets to the MC Hammer concert, called it mint, then followed it up with "I'll Remember You" by Skid Row. There was an ad for a shopping spree at Rosedale where you could shop at Carson's, Wards or Dayton's. All the station played was pop rap and hair metal. What times. I remember sitting in my basement and playing this shit on my clock radio when I made couch forts. Don't even front on the couch fort. Hell, I'd still make a couch fort today if it were socially acceptable.

I remember when "Mr.Wendal" by Arrested Development was on the Top Eight at Eight, and also that song by Mariah Careys backup singer (Pretty sure it was a remake of "Just To Be Close To You"). My mom was a huge WLOL fan, and she got really upset when it went off the air in '91. I think she listened to Steve Cochran in the mornings on KDWB though.

One of the WLOL ones is from 1985 and they hype Huey, Katrina and the Waves, "Rock and Roll Girls" (and its B-Side "Centerfield") by John Fogerty, and "The Authority Song" by Johnny Cougar. What was also weird was that they played "Young Americans" by Bowie (came out in 1975)and "Trapped" by Bruce Springsteen (which I remember hearing a lot, but was never a single). Even "Paisley Park" by Prince got played. They brought up the WLOL bumper stickers you could pick up at 7 Eleven or Photomat. We had two on our Cordoba back in the day because I used to think the WLOL van was going to give us $99.50

I also found some old radio broadcasts from a FM station called U 101 that played top 40 from 74 to 76. They bumped so much Zeppelin, it was freaking ridiculous. They also shit talked Fridley and Gerald Ford. Really good shit.

And We Began To Rock, Steady. Steady Rockin' All Night Long.

I was looking at a chart that tells what the most played songs currently on rock radio are (at least for older songs) and two Sublime songs (Santeria and What I Got) were among the top 20, along with Self Esteem by Offspring and Song 2 by Blur. I don't know exactly what my point is, but come on, didn't we get enough of these songs at every party in 8th and 9th grade? Or while playing Twisted Metal 2 fucked up on Mountain Dew or Brain Wash (btw, Bobby and Steves sells Brain Wash still. I couldn't bring myself back ten years to buy a bottle)?

I wonder if rock radio will be playing that bullshit Hinder song in ten years? I read an interview with their d-bag lead singer who was mad that OK Go played the VMAs and they were only moving "4,000 units while Hinder was moving 16K." He also said that playing the Girls Gone Wild tour was awesome (duh) because there were chicks "69ing and shit." Wow. Now go and watch No Direction Home to see how a real rock star talks. Oh yeah, I wonder if he's pissed that a 65 year old man sold 300K his first week out (Dylan), and then an EIGHTY YEAR OLD Tony Bennett moved over 100K. I hate Tony Bennett, but damn. Just goes to show that the only people who still buy music in droves are the boomer generation, and the greatest generation of our grandparents.

Tower Records Closing

So I guess all the Tower Records are closing. Thank God that MPLS has the Cheapo chain to bank on and we never got a major national record chain here. Well, we did have Musicland/Sam Goody, but even those two were owned by Minnesota companies. I can see why Tower is closing, due to the fact that nobody wants to buy $19 dollar CDs when they can get them at Target or Best Buy for $15 tops. Tower did have some deals, though. I went to one in Chicago a few months ago and got Love "Forever Changes" and The Kinks "Lola" for a total of 16 bucks. And they had a pretty kickass import section. Oh well, the only way I riot is if we lose CDs at major retailers and have to start buying this online bullshit. I'm sorry, but I enjoy physical product (artwork, liner notes, stickers, etc.) This "little picture on the screen" bullshit that Apple feeds us ain't going to cut it.

I Am A Rock, I Am An IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIsland

So here I am, deep in the basement of Coffman Union, not wanting to type a German essay because I should have graduated this semester (goddamn CLA Language requirement). Oh well. I don't know if I have addressed the shittiness of the Twins postseason play yet, but here it is. We sucked. Really fucking bad. I cried at work on Friday watching the game. I really, truly believed that this was the YEAR, that the 06 squad was the team of destiny. How freaking wrong I was, I guess. The worst part of the playoffs so far was not the loss, but the fact that I cannot hate the A's. They seem like a bunch of dudes I would like to get plastered with. The best part is that the Yanks lost. That made me happy enough to almost forget the Twins loss. Here are my amatuer picks for the rest of the playoffs:

Tigers over A's in 6
The Tigers have more veteran leadership (Pudge, Odornez) and a pitching staff that held the Yankees (As good as Murderer's Row? BULLSHIT) to under 10 runs in a four game series. The A's have the Big Hurt and two starters with practically same name. And Zito got really lucky.

Mets over Cardinals in 5
The Cardinals have a rep for choking harder than Mama Cass. Well guess what? Ain't stopping this year. I don't see what the big deal with Chris Carpenter is, and Albert is not going to add up to Delgado, Wright and Beltran. The Mets made LA look like the choking bitches that they were, and they will do the same to STL.

WORLD SERIES
Mets in 6
This is the real team of destiny. The Mets beat the Tigers in every offensive category, and the young Tigers pitching staff is going to have to meltdown eventually. Plus, I don't want to see the depressed craphole of Detroit riot again. Go Mets!

I Was Dusted In The Dark Up In Penetration Park I Was Plastered

The Hold Steady is the best thing ever. Seriously, ever. Their album "Seperation Sunday" was my #2 album of 2005, and their new one "Boys and Girls in America" is even better. One could even say it is the gangsta shit. Instead of telling a story and letting his boys play like the most kickass bar band ever, Craig Finn actually sings on the new album. And the songs are kickass, and not only because they describe the Minneapolis metro in detail (See Map)

http://showmewhere.net/gmap/index.php?code=1c21hptq4yz962s5b6dvsp9z414zr3&action=views.viewpublicmap&layout=plain

it's also because they tell a story. Most songwriters don't do that anymore, unless asking if yo chain hang low counts. No songwriter is willing to write like Bruce or Bob, and thats a damn shame. Craig Finn writes like our lives. He goes out, his friends use/drink too much, he drinks too much, he knows fucked up girls who claim they can do better. He gets stuck out in Osseo at a shitty party. Hell, we've all been there. Its the human experience, and dude fucking NAILS it. And he starts off a song singing about the mall I work at. Pretty sweet.

Kick, Push, Kick, Push...Coast

The Twins offer the most heartbreak ever. Sweet mother of Jesus, why can't they just get a friggin win? Oh well, it was a magical season so far, and if any one team can come back from 2-0, its them.

I had some minor surgery today (I had a cyst on my chin, for those who are interested) and it went relatively well. I'm kind of Lupe right now due to taking some sort of pain pill, which I usually hate. But the surgeon didn't think that it was cancerous or anything, so I'm happy.

I was also happy yesterday when I bought four new CDs (Jet, Hold Steady, Beck and the Killers) for about $40. I also should have picked up Sleepy Brown and the Decemberists. I can't remember there being a better release day for CDs, except when Weezers green album came out senior year. I also think Tool came out that day, but it was Lateralus, which kind of blew. Those two CDs were the first things I ever bought with my credit card.

The WWE channel is the truth. Hopefully they will be posting a new episode of Monday Night Wars soon, so I can watch the NwO form again along with Farooq wrestling in a rubber helmet.

Suicidal Tendencies (T.O.?)

I was scanning the headlines on the major sports websites in my Media Graphics class (I even slack on homework outside of home!) when I saw that Terrell Owens, the obnoxious Cowboys reciever, supposedly tried to kill himself with an overdose of painkillers. First, my jaw dropped. Then I reacted in about the same way I can imagine everyone else did...yep, another publicity stunt. This guy will sink to just about any level to get the letters T and O onto SportsCenter. Remember when T.O. did sittups in his driveway because he hated Andy Reid? Or when he said he'd rather play with the Ol' Gunslinger Brett Favre instead of his own QB? I do, because ESPN covered that crap like it was the Kennedy Assassination, the Challenger Explosion and 9/11 all rolled into one. For his sake, I hope it really was a failed attempt, so he can get the help he needs. But T.O. really doesn't fit the I-Hate-Myself-And-I-Want-To-Die stereotpye now, does he? All I know is that SportsCenter is going to suck for the next three days.

Computer Love, Digital Love

I beat Jeff at Tecmo Bowl 30-7. Rygar/Ninja 48-0 still stands as the best ass whuppin ever, but this victory is sweet. I cannot express in words how much Marks pirated XBOX is. There are thousands of NES, Genesis, SNES, Arcade, and Atari 2600 games on this thing. I get scared of it sometimes, unless Nate is by my side and we are beating X Men arcade together.

Young Liars

The new TV on the Radio is a freaking triumph. I cannot qutie put a name on it, but it has a quality that many new albums have been lacking. The songs all sort of flow into each other (not in a My Bloody Valentine wordless way). Its just kick ass, in a way that the 1985 Chicago Bears defense was kickass. The first four songs on the album have a similar vibe, but track 5, "Wolf Like Me" starts a whole new party. A straightforward song instead of a jam, it makes me want to take off my clothes and become one with the animals in the BWCA. "A Method" and "Dirty Whirlwind" are also superb. If there was any justice in popular music, this album would be a top ten smash. But no, we get Paris Hilton.

When I Fall In Love With You It WIll Be Forever

I just spent the last three hours drinking Honey Weiss and watching the Office. As the buzz has not worn off quite just yet, I dont know how this will turn out. I have a huge crush on the Pam character on the show. But overall, the show is comedy gold. The only office work that I have ever done was working with my friends mom over one spring break filing shit. It was a pretty boring experience, except that Verne Gagne stored the old AWA ring in the filing room. So my highlight was looking at the apron where Roddy Piper took his first falls. But anyways, as I will probably leave the retail management game behind in a few months to work in an office, I realized that I would be incredibly bored. Much as many of you reading this are right now. The only thing that could save off that boredom would be a Pam at the front desk. Or a WWF ring in the basement. Perferrably one that Bob Backlund wrestled on.

I DON'T Love My, Ahem, Chick

Busta Rhymes is the Rod Stewart of Hip Hop, except way less talented and his fall was way worse. Heres where I'm going with this. Rod Stewart released some amazing shit in the late 60s and early 70s both solo and as lead singer of The Faces. I mean, the man was super talented. But then "Maggie May" went to number one and Rod realized that he could put out shitty lite pop singles and bank hardcore. Some of those pop singles were great (I enjoy "Youre In My Heart" and "Some Guys Have All The Luck", as corny as they are) but most were utter bullshit (like "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" and "Tonights The Night"). Basically, Rod sold out in the worst possible way.

Busta, on the other hand, had the potential and didn't maximize it. His verse on "Scenario" by Tribe Called Quest is great, and he released a few catchy as hell singles. But since about '98 (when he came on the VMAs with Martha Stewart AND released the Flipmode Squad on an unsuspecting public) Busta has churned out unmemorable pop songs. Besides "I Love My Bitch" I cannot think of a Busta Rhymes song in the last five years. I remember he did one with Mariah, but I can't recall what the hell it was or even the hook.

The worst part is the history of music has tons of weird shit like this. Todd Rundgren started to put out crap after "Something/Anything". Elton John went bye bye from artistic credibility land in 1975, about the same time as Paul McCartney. I guess that theres no real point to this, other than Rod Stewart should never release another album again.

Write This Down

I will publish Chicago Day Three eventually. I just moved into a house without internets and hopefully the shitheads at Comcast will be coming out Monday so maybe then...

The new Killers song is the truth. I bought the first Killers CD back the day it came out (and played it at the first Sexy Party!) but I kind of thought that they became a little over hyped. But then the new song came out, AND W. Axl Rose introed them at the VMA's. If Axl told me drinking goat urine was cool, I would think about trying it. Oh, and the new song sounds like prime era Bruce. And it has cowbell. And the dudes grew weird beards. All this adds up to a hit in my book.

The VMAs was totally whack otherwise. Those friggin shit dandies Panic! At the Fallout Boy Chemical Romance Soundtrack won vid of the year for that "hey look! We're more kitsch than Liza in a bowling shirt!" piece of crap. Come on dudes, blowing glitter on each other and whispering "yes" is soooooo six months ago.

Also, every one was rocking dookie chains. Jeff Hill and I came up with the idea of re-introducing dookie chains about three months ago. Now its back, along with bandanas around the face. First off to all the d-bag asses who think this is cool: Joe Strummer did this in '79. And Joe Strummer is way more cool even in death than Lil' John or Skateboard P will ever hope to be. Stick to designing bomb ass Ice Creams Pharell and leave the dookie chains to fat suburban dudes. Second off, J-Timbo is now rocking a tie as a bandana around his face. What the hell is this? And yes, I do dig "Sexyback" for some primal reason.

Oh, and to countercombat the shitiness of new music, I have been bumping the new Dylan, the new Roots, Hall and Oates, and George Strait. Yes, George Strait. Got a problem with that?

Via Chicago Volume II

Saturday-
Saturday was the day with the least breaks in it as far as concerts went. We went at around 2:30 to just go. I watched Built To Spill, who did the typical Built To Spill thing and played one tight pop song followed by eight minutes of jamming. Pretty average. Then we went and saw Lyrics Born play for the second time in two days. Once again, he put on a great show. Gnarls Barkley was next, and they entertained. The whole band came out dressed as tennis dandies, and a lot of babies flocked over to see them play "Crazy." God, there were a lot of hotties there.
Common was the highlight of the night. Common came out and kicked ass, by playing the hits off his newest album (probably the most pop friendly one). He did this kickass little freestyle where he did the chorus of "Nuttin But A G Thing" and then sang the end of "Passin Me By" by the Pharcyde. Then his DJ ripped up "It Takes Two" for a few minutes. The only disappointment was that Kanye didn't come out and do "The Food" with him. Anyways, the show was energetic and fun and he got the crowd pumped. Milla went and saw the Flaming Lips, and he said it was pretty damn fine as well.

The whole lot of us then turned around to the other stage to watch the New Pornographers play some blissed out pop jams. The Pornographers lead singer was shocked that he was playing Lollapalooza (and I think a little drunk/high also). They stuck with mainly songs off their newest album "Twin Cinema". Good show. Kanye closed out the night, but we left at about the 3/4 point. As we were leaving, Lupe Fiasco could be heard singing the chorus to "Kick/Push." Kanyes crowd was fucking massive. Like 80,000 deep massive. It kind of killed any hope of seeing a good show when you couldn't even see the big screen. Oh, and the ego bitched about how they kept "messin with his sound in his hometown." I personally couldn't hear anything wrong, but I was miles away.

Via Chicago

There was so much amusement that happened this last week, I don't know where to begin. I will try to do a daily rundown.

Thursday:
I got a speeding ticket in Eau Claire. I hate everything about Wisconsin. I wish we would start a war over cheese and invade that hell hole. But they did have a Rocky Rococo Pizza Theatre in Madison that was excellent. Anyways, we rolled into the city around 2PM. The hotel didn't allow check ins until 3PM, so we went to Target and a liquor store next to a pre-school to stock up on Gatorade and Old Style. We checked in, proceded to drink said Old Style, then went to Giordano's for the first Chicago style stuffed pizza of the trip. And more beer. Then we went back to the hotel, where Jeff and I proceded to pass out for an hour while Milla went down to the hotel bar for some overpriced booze. I was really surly due to the beer and the lack of sleep, but I was talked in to going to Hooters. Hooters was the only restruant around the hotel, and it really sucked. I mean, I love tits and ass just as much as the next guy, but it was really pathetic and the food sucked. Then we watched Entourage and went to bed.

Friday:
Got up and worked out in the hotel workout room. Then we went and ate at Giordano's again, because its better than sex. After the sexual pizza, we boarded the Blue Line for downtown. The train was packed and sweaty to the point of sickness. Jeff had some dudes ass cheeks on his, and I think Milla got a seat. Anyways, we arrived at Lollapalooza and watched Ohmega Watts with a few other people. He gave love to some local rappers he produced, and the show was pretty killer. Then I caught a few minutes of the eels, who just jammed aimlessly for the few minutes we saw them. A group decision was made to go drink and buy CDs at Tower. I purchased a Kinks album and a Love album. We came back to see The Raconteurs, who slayed hardcore. They played pretty much their entire new album, and covered "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" and Gnarls Barkleys "Crazy". Jack White and Brendan Benson sang into one mic like it was 1964, and the sun set. It was awesome. Then the Violent Femmes played some classics (but more new stuff), which made the crowd restless. Some brah behind me told them to play their hits. They obliged by tearing into "Add It Up" and "American Music" and getting every aging hipster pumped. Then it was on to Ween for a bit. I saw the brothers Ween play "Spinal Menningitis" and "That's What Deaner Was Talking About" like a rock monster. It was spectacular, but we were all tired and we wanted to go to the House Of Blues to see Lyrics Born. So we left after five songs.

The House of Blues was incredibly small (about half the size of the Quest). We saw Ohmega Watts play the same (good) set, and then saw L.B. rip the shit out of his. Damn, that man has some stage presence. Blackalicious was the headliner, but it was about 12:30 AM after the first two acts, so it was decided to go back to the hotel. We took a cab, and some homeless guy tried to get in. Thats when we saw the awesome power of Angry Milla. He slammed the door and pushed at the dude, saying "What the fuck do you think your doing?" The cab ride was long, as the highway was down to one lane and the cabbie spoke no English. I went straight to bed when I got back.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Put Sufjan Stevens On

I'm going to mess up the windy city for the next five days. An update on how much sausage one man can consume will be posted on Monday. Oh, and Lollapalooza reviews also. And maybe a stop in Osseo, Wisconsin for the world famous pies.

Teach Them Well And Let Them Lead The Way

My little brother Aaron is going to be one weird adult. Or so I think. I am totally confused about what the hell the kids of today do for fun, what they listen to, what they think. When I was 11, my high point was going to Shinders and getting a pack of baseball cards and possibly taping songs off KDWB. I played video games probably about an hour a week, more so if I had a friend come over on a Friday or Saturday. I had very little knowledge of what was "cool" in music and films (although I did get into Clerks pretty early). But I just don't understand how kids now work.

Back to Aaron. Pretty much all he does is play shitty simulation video games like The Sims and Theme Park. That, and play baseball and other little league sports. Unlike me, he never just goes off into the woods or goes off on a bike and explores stuff. The weird thing is, no little kids in my area do. What the hell are they doing? I can remember spending the entire summer outside as a kid, riding my bike up to Brookdale and things like that. My brother would be scared shitless to go up to the gas station two blocks away.

It also is really strange how Aaron really doesn't listen to any current popular music. I am not sure that all little kids have a fondness for crappy 80s pop and Johnny Cash like him. I am pretty sure, however, that most kids between 11-15 really don't have favorite bands anymore. When I was 11, I really liked the Spin Doctors and the song "I'm Gonna Be" by the Proclaimers. And that was lame as hell, but it was pretty tame. Now, you don't really see anything marketed to kids under 16, except for those "Kidz Bop" CDs and maybe "Now That's What I Call Music". The good majority of music played on top 40 radio now is way too raunchy to be convienently marketed to youth. The most raunchy top 10 songs from when I was 11 years old were probably "Whoomp! There it Is!" and "Baby Got Back". And those songs were no raunchier than Rod Stewart telling a woman to "spread her wings and let him come inside" in 1976.

Today, you have things like "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas and "Candy Shop". Hell, sometimes I get a little uncomfortable with the shit they say in those songs.

My point is, how can there be any sort of youth culture if they are all too overprotected to do anything outside of their homes and have nothing to hold them to the current popular culture? I was primed on making my own decisions by going out and experiencing things without my immediate family. This allowed me to discover certain kinds of entertainment and think for myself. Where is this going to come from now?

Rebel Pride And Victory, Unity As One/You Can All Just Kiss Off

I hate the city of Champlin. I hate pretty much every thing about it, from its "trying to be a small town really fucking hard" attitude to its hard assed cops to its love for its Ruby Tuesday and its movie theatre. I always used to joke about how hick-ass Champlin was about 99% white, and now I know I was wrong. It's only 95% white, according to the 2000 U.S. Census. Oh, and to all those who called it "Brooklyn Dark" when I was in high school, we actually are 78% white, which doesn't mean anything. I just wanted to call out the bastards who called it "Brooklyn Dark."

In a happy note, I bought the new Alien Ant Farm. I listened to it twice in a row, which is one time more in a row than last weeks purchase of the Thom Yorke solo album. Thom Yorke does rule, although anything that Radiohead does is usually a difficult listen (except for the first two albums). Alien Ant Farm is incredibly poppy and also does rock substantially, which should make them as big as Journey (or at least Cheap Trick). But, unfortunately, they are not. The Alien Ant Farm cult seems to consist of only my immediate group of friends, their roommates, and a few kids who were on the North Hennepin North Star staff with me in 2003. I just do not get it. There are so many fantastic songs.

There is another band that didn't get the love that they deserve in their time that I am a huge fan of. That band is the Marvelous 3. The Marvelous 3 actually sounded like Cheap Trick, but their lyrics were much more witty and the bassist looked like Keanu Reeves. Radio played the hell out of "Freak Of The Week" off of their first album, and then...nothing. A few local stations, 93X and maybe Zone 105, played "Every Monday (off the first album) and "Sugarbuzz" (off of ReadySexGo). I assume that the lyrics were just too damn glam for the "Mommy I hate daddy/My anger faded and fell away from me" era of Korn and Staind. But then Butch Walker (the M3 lead singer) went solo and still can't get airplay on his solo stuff. Sure, he produces everything under the sun, but dammit, someone should be playing his solo stuff too, cause its good. And don't even get me started on Talib Kweli, Lyrics Born and J5 getting no love...

I Wanna See My Smilin Face On The Cover Of The Rolling Stone

So, as I was saying before I left...

I haven't been up to much lately. I have been golfing a few times a week. I really enjoy golf. I always used to shit on golf, but I really like it now. But I still suck at it. Kind of poetic.

I went to see Pearl Jam and Tom Petty a few weeks ago at the Xcel and it was pretty fucking rocking. The two downsides were the stupid silicone sister next to us who got pissed every time I sat down during a Tom Petty song, and the fact that Pearl Jam only played for 90 minutes. The drunk chick was making out with her biker douche boyfriend during the ENTIRE Petty concert, and that made me hate "Don't Come Around Here No More" even more. But Petty really killed on the older stuff ("The Waiting, "American Girl(with Eddie Vedder)" and "Refugee"). And his new song was pretty good also. Oh, and they played "Handle With Care" by the Travelling Wilburys and "Mystic Eyes" by Them. Pearl Jam rocked ass, but they didn't close with "Yellow Leadbetter." That pissed me off.

Guess who's not going to his high school reunion? THIS GUY. I laughed my ass off when I saw that about five people had responded as "yes" to the invite. I hate pretentious places, and Drink is pretty much the definition of pretentious. Every one is dressed in the same fucking button up, and the dudes all look vaugely Russian. Scary.

I fucking hate Young Jeezy, Young Dro, and Yung Joc. What the fuck is up with this shit?

To Nathan Andrew: You know damn well I ain't fucking no one. Except for you.

I am obsessed with Wikipedia. I know its lame, but I have never learned so much about Canadian fast food chains in my life. That and the useless facts about Mitch Hedberg and Dane Cook that somehow make it into every single entry, even if that entry is about the British Judicial System.

Let's Talk About X Baby. Let's Talk About You And Me

I'm really used to being let down. Some things get super hyped and suck (such as Episode 1 or your first sexual experience). Very little lives up to it's hype. I was looking forward to "X3" pretty much all winter. Sadly, "X3" sucked ass. I was incredibly dissappointed by just about everything in the movie. The plot had huge holes in it, there was no character development, and the pacing was fucking terrible. Oooh, Brett Ratner, you egomanicial fuck. Great, I get it, you are soooooo friggin cool. You can make the characters say "bitch" and "dickhead." It doesn't work when the characters sound like they are swearing for the first time. Oh, and next time, don't put the big cliffhanger after seven minutes of credits. Wow, what a dissappointment.

Viva Las Vegas

Vegas was pretty cool. I wish that we could have done some more stuff, but sandwiching all that fun into three days made all of us super tired. Anyways, here are some of the highlights:

-Going out on the first night, getting really wasted while walking up and down the strip and finally passing out at the Mandalay Bay taxi stand at 6 AM.

-Eating Del Taco at 4AM (yes, they have breakfast foods at a fast food Mexican place!)

-Seeing a guy passed out on the sidewalk at sunrise at the Luxor.

-A hooker coming up to Jeff at the pool and asking if he was "Earl." (She eventually found her "Earls" at the other side of the pool.

-Going to get tattoos and then realizing that they were really expensive and that the tattoo shop guy was an asshole.

-Eating the buffet at the Sahara.

-Drinking a "yard long margarita" at the Luxor before we saw one of those shitty topless revues.

-Shitting on Carrot Top fans the same night.

-Getting bombed by the hotel pool in 105 degree heat.

-Walking to 7-Eleven every morning for Slurpees and breakfast.

-Listening to pathetic old women talk world politics on the Monorail.

There was some other great moments, I can't think of them all right now. I would love to go back, as soon as possible. This time, I would like to actually stay on the strip. We had to take a shuttle there every time we wanted to go.

She Goes In And Out And In And Out

I just read the wikipedia entry for In-N-Out Burger (don't ask). I so have to go here when I am in Vegas. I do not care how much the cab fare is. Turns out it has a secret menu where you can order special burgers and fries with names like "animal-style" and 2x2. I love any place that is like Skull and Bones, all secretive and ritualistic.

I Turn To Stone When You Are Gone

The new Pearl Jam is a solid work. I was worried for a second. I realized that I have played the last two live PJ CDs more than I played "Riot Act" (their last studio CD) since it came out. As a matter of fact, I don't think "Riot Act" has come off the shelf for over a year. Anyways, the new one is good. The first four songs rock hard, and I dig "World Wide Suicide" each time I hear it. "Unemployable" really gets to me. I downloaded that song about a month ago, and I liked it immediately. After reading the lyrics, I liked it more. It deals with a man getting laid off from his shit factory job. With my mother about to lose hers (thanks Bill Ford, you prissy little bitch) it really resonates. I still don't get the avacado on the cover, or the gross out pictures in the booklet, though.

The other CD I bought yesterday was "Wolfmother"by Wolfmother. This CD has some Shaq-sized balls, I'll tell ya whut. I love the fact that they are directly ripping of Zeppelin, right down to the mythical album cover. The lyrics are all about fairies and unicorns and mythical lands. There's also some soloing and some Bohnam style drumming. Short story is it rocks. But only when they also do a song about the Misty Mountain is when they ascend the mount of Thor and seize the hammer for good.

Game Of Love, Love La La La La La La

I watched a Bruce Lee doc on the making of "Game Of Death" on AMC today after my usual nap. Wow, that dude was one bad mother. He trained Steve McQueen, James Coburn and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And Chuck Norris. Chuck was Bruce Lees Padawan. No wonder all those internets think that Chuck is so bad ass.

I seem kind of sad and lonely lately. Probably just the weather, and I'll be back to normal soon. Softball being cancelled didn't help matters much. Either did my visit to IHOP and me realizing that they suck balls. I had to wait nearly an hour for my stuffed french toast. And to top it off, the stoner waiter made fun of how quickly I ate it! Yeah, I have been having stomach problems (I have acid reflux, like John Elway) lately. For the last two weeks, coffee and anything spicy have made me nearly throw up. Thats a little hard when you work at a coffee shop.

Found Kiss "Alive" on CD for nine bucks today. That album actually rocks pretty f'n hard. I used to hate Kiss, but I have grown to appreciate their own special brand of cock rock. I absolutely love the intro to "Cold Gin". "Someone here backstage told me you guys like to drink vodka and orange juice. YEAH!" Oh Paul, why did Ace's solo album kick yours ass?

I Seem To Recognize Your Face. Haunting, Familiar...But I Can't Seem To Place It

Ah yes, Vegas Baby! Locked and loaded, booked and ready steady go! I can't wait! For the last three years I have taken one big, out of the city of MPLS trip. Two years ago, it was Chicago. Last years was Milwaukee. Now onto Vegas. I am so excited, and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control, and you know what? I think I like it.

My big weekend news number two is that I finally got Pearl Jam tickets. I have never seen my favorite band live, so this is going to be an interesting experience. The fact that they are playing with Tom Petty only makes it that much cooler. Not to say I'm a HUGE fan of Tom Petty, but I do like the man's singles. I hope PJ puts on an experience like I have heard on one of the many live CDs I have. I would go nuts if they busted out a rare cover, like "I Got You" by Split Endz. I would also go equally nuts if they played some rare old song, or a B-side. I don't think that they ever play "Oceans" in concert. Or, say, "Dirty Frank." Yes, that would be mint.

I was listening to "Born In The U.S.A" today in my car, and I marvelled that Springsteen had seven top 10 hits off that CD. I don't think that there would be any chance in hell today of a singer/songwriter having more than three hits off of one album. I guess it just shows the quality of the songs that Bruce was churning out at that time. Hell, even the non-singles like "Bobby Jean" and "No Surrender" are fantastic. The best part of this is the fact that "Born In The U.S.A" was recorded after he did "Nebraska," which is easily the most fucked-up major label album by a star ever.

"Nebraska" is just Bruce, his guitar and a harmonica. The music is sparse, but the songs are some of the scariest shit I have ever heard on disc. Songs about being broke, murder, family and cars go on without much hope whatsoever. Legend has it that "Nebraska" is based on a 17 year old who left Nebraska in the late 50s with his girl and killed a dozen people nationwide. The line that this comes from says "I killed everything in sight." Seriously, the album is un-classifiable. It leans toward folk, I guess. An album not for the faint of heart.

I Got More Game Than Parker Brothers

Random Musings from the overactive noggin of Jake:

I'm still not all about gauchos.

Some kid in my American History lecture said, in an attempt to impress a girl, "We live in a country where people think the Molotov Cocktail is a drink." You can't make this shit up.

I'm booking the Vegas flight/hotel tomorrow. It's going to suck dying in a plane crash. If I do make it to Vegas, I will be enjoying the rare West Coast delectables known as Jack-In-The-Box and In and Out Burger.

R.E.M.'s "Don't Go Back To Rockville" is one of the best songs ever.

My iPod keeps playing Metallica. I think I'm up to ten out of the last 100 songs being by those whiners. But hey, when they were on, they were on.

Taco John's Crunchy Chicken and Potato burrito is about five times better than sex.

Brett Favre is still a worthless old bitch who has no chance in hell of winning more than three games next year. And that's if they somehow get Jevon Walker to come back for his stupid old ass to throw to.

The City Pages did not name me "Best Barista" for the third consecutive year. They, however, did give the 22 (Deuce-Deuce) the best strip club award. I will leave this one to Jeff Hills quote, "I'd rather look at you than that fucking stripper."

Controlling Faster, Obey Your Master

The 2006 Northstars campaign got off to a rousing start last night at the Fridley Community playing grounds. The Green Giants won the opener 16 to 15 and the twi-night portion of the doubleheader 23 to 17. The hitting and defense of the boys looked mighty improved over last years sub-.500 fall campaign.

I am so pumped that softball started finally. The five months that I spent waiting were far too long. And we took both games, with me scoring the winning run on a double by my younger brother Jordan. My hitting kind of blew, but I did get 4 RBIs between the two games. Quade went yard, which was impressive. The team we played was a bunch of douches from DeLisis restruant, which doesn't even exist anymore. I found that weird, them being from DeLisis.

To get pumped for the game, we bumped old school Metallica. "Master Of Puppets" (which is the greatest song to get pumped to and has been shortened to "M of P" by the Eickholt boys), "One" and "Sanitarium" were all spun. I think that it has to become a Monday gameday tradition from now on.

Oh, and I heard "I Think I'm In Love" by Eddie Money on JACK 104 and I almost crashed my car into a bus. I friggin love that jam. Then I saw some dude who looked like Bob Dylan from the Rolling Thunder Revue in '75 (weird Gaucho hat, long Jew-Fro) and I got even more pumped. My pumpedness is at a orange level right now.

My Hands Are Small, I Know

I saw the new Jewel video today, and I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person in America who still thinks this. but I really want to bang Jewel. I have had a thing for 'Ol Snaggletooth since 1998, when I saw her on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and got kicked out of Ms. Rudys class for commenting on Jewels "tremenjous breasts." Spectacular.

To the asshole who opposed the Twins, Vikings and Gophers stadiums in the Thursday Star Tribune Editorial page: Go to hell, you fucking retard. This d-bag had the audacity to say that he wanted a laminated card with the outlines of Anoka and Hennepin counties so he wouldn't spend his hard earned money there. This is like those stupid tree hugging bitches who only shop at the Wedge because they don't support big business. Do these fucking morons realize that a downtown stadium will bring in millions? And a stadium will make a hilljack part of Anoka County an actual city? There was one guy who opposed the tax because he would waste $600 over 30 years. I will make a deal with that dude if I ever see him. I propose this: How bout I give him that $600 dollars over the course of 30 years if I can beat the shit out of him once a year with a Torii Hunter model bat? Because I would rather see some ass get the shit kicked out of him then lose the Twins. Its that simple.

And those stupid assholes who say it takes away from education funding? They can go to hell also. I went to public school for 12 years, and guess what? Public schools are corrupt as shit. At Champlin Park, we had no idea where our parking lot funds went. The sports teams were outfitted with professional equipment on money that, technically, could have went to the freaking textbooks or something. But you know what, the teachers who teach at most public schools wouldn't know how to use them, because they are incompetent and burned out on teaching. The only reason that you couldn't miss more than seven days at Champlin Park a quarter was so the district wouldn't lose out on funding. For what? Soy burgers and texts that, I shit you not, said "Electronic Mail is coming!" and were from the early 80s? And don't get me started on all the funding that went to the new Walker and Orpheum. Yeah, athletes get paid a lot, but the enjoyment pro sports teams bring to the people is worth 3 cents on every 20 dollars spent. And yes, I will be paying, because I live in Hennepin County and work in Anoka County.

Thumbing My Way...

Pearl Jam is at Summerfest this year with Tom Petty! Tix are a little spendy (100 bucks for me cause I'm in the Ten Club) but the next night, its Nine Inch Nails. It would be like freaking listening to the Edge in 8th grade all over again.

I think that when the Twins play the Brewers we should do a Mee lee wau kay invasion. Say three words..."We're takin' over" and invade Miller Park. I am sick of these 'Sconnies on campus sporting Brewers gear. .500 one year doesn't make you a good team. Pat Listach and Jim Gantner were the only true Brewers.

Whats the deal with gauchos? I hate those damn things

Oh, and I cracked and started a MySpace. Friend me for random, unsatisfying hookups.

I'm A Fu@#$*& Samurai!

The greatest movie, nay, the single greatest piece of entertainment ever is the 1992 film "3 Ninjas." The dialogue makes "Casablanca" look like a steaming pile of shit. The saga of Tum Tum, Colt and Rocky and their ninja grandpa Maury Tanaka touches every one of the five senses. Actually, it roundhouse kicks them, then feeds them a Coke laced with Ex-Lax. How can lines like "I won't eat dog poop!" and "Rocky Loves Emily" not be on par with "If you build it, he will come," and "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse" in the national vernacular? And the stunts? At one point, you can actually see the Asian actor turn into a white dude when he falls down the stairs. The plotholes are only minor inconviences, though. The most glaring one is this: why are ninjas carrying guns? Doesn't that technically not make them ninjas? And why don't they just shoot the kids in the knees? Oh well, "3 Ninjas" is still the best film ever.

Uh Huh, It Ain't No Big Thang

Vegas, baby! I think May sounds good. Mid May. Leave on a Thursday or Friday, come back on Sunday. Spend way too much money on bullshit and stay buzzed for four days sounds like a good time for me. Plus, after finals week, I will need a break like this.

Eagles of Death Metal is the shit on a shingle. I think that "Peace, Love, Deathmetal" is probably better, but what is better than that one? The only thing I can see hurting the new one is the inclusion of that annoying bitch from the Distillers. God, they fucking suck. I hate the Distillers with all the passion in my heart. Why does everyone think they are soooo punk? Mind you, I'm not one of those d-bags who thinks that the Sex Pistols sold out when they signed to EMI. But the Distillers are not punk, they are just shit, plain and simple. They are lame in the same way that crap punk bands like Pennywise, Guttermouth and NOFX are lame. Too much attitude, and songs that a handicapped monkey could write. Write something original or at least carry a tune.

Speaking of tuneful, I wanted to take this oppritunity to shit on Ryan Adams. I own all but three of the mans solo albums, and I do like his work. But would it be so hard to sit down and write a verse-chorus-verse every once in a while? I bought "29" recently (the one he dedicated to his dog) and I got uber angry when I heard the song "Strawberry Wine." The song rambles on for like 5-6 minutes without even so much as a hint of continuity. Dylan was a rambler also, its just that he also wrote shit that was memorable. "29" is so unmemorable that I couldn't tell you one thing other than the album is called "29" and I thought that "Strawberry Wine" was a cover of a Deanna Carter song. "Cold Roses" sticks out a bit more, and the stuff off the EPs is pretty much golden, except for that song about a lonesome scientist. If it wasn't $6.99 when I bought it, it would be sitting in Cheapo's Friday new arrivals bin tomorrow, and I would use the procedes towards a case of Miller Light or Sam Adams.

I am on a country/rock jag these days, with the Jayhawks and Neil Young and the Byrds dominating the listening. I also have been eating a lot of soups, pastas and salads with vinegrette if anyone cares. And only drinking Iced Coffees with white mocha syurp in them. Its a special little treat that only me and some housefrau in Maple Grove have. God, I feel like Blanche from the Golden Girls.

Have I Got A Long Way To Run?

Hey, what's up? What you doin? Oh really. Not much, just sittin at my comp, typing up a blog.

Yeah, lifes been pretty boring for the last few weeks. I have felt lonely for some reason. I never feel lonely. I think that it stems from a dream I had a week ago where I met this really attractive girl at a party on Cody Stevens deck. I walked with her in the general direction of Steve Miller's house, then I don't remember what happened. I woke up and was really depressed. It's odd.

I bought Collective Soul's greatest hits off half.com. I really wanted to hear "Why Pt.2" and "Run". That shit reminds me of Jackson and my formative years at CPHS.

My brother Zach introduced me to a new way of eating a Subway Subshop Submarine. You get sweet onion sauce and honey mustard with carrots, lettuce, and onions. It tastes like cole slaw. And as a fan of cole slaw on my sammich, I dig it like John and Paul dug a pony.

Substitution, Mass Confusion All Inside Your Head

I was listening to my New Wave greatest hits disc today when I was greeted with a pleasant surprise. The Cars greatest hits suddenly fell out. I popped it in for probably the 100th time. It was around the opening notes of "Just What I Needed" that I realized that everyone likes The Cars. Everything about them is appealing. They did rockers, they did ballads. The dudes were ugly, yet they nailed models. They put hot nearly naked chicks on their album covers. They scored the best topless scene in the history of cinema (Fast Times. Phoebe Cates. Uhhhhhh). I do not know a single person who has a distaste for these Boston gods. Four out of five Eickholts own a Cars LP. There are some bands that peple are indifferent to, such as Boston or Oasis. I mean, everyone likes the first Boston album and the first two Oasis albums, but no one is really puttin those on all the time. You can listen to the first Cars album, most of Hearbeat City and the greatest hits disc nearly every day and not get all that bored. Oh, and Rick Ocasek produced Weezer's Green and Blue albums. Bonus points.

Hiawatha Didn't Bother Too Much, With Minnehaha and Her Tender Touch

Tori Spelling is one of the few celebs I have seen who actually looks better after having plastic surgery. I just watched her Lifetime movie "Alibi" (which she escapes a killer by skiing down a black diamond ski run!)and realized that, yeah, she did need a new nose and some new boobs. I usually hate plastic surgery of any sort. During the movie there was an Icebreakers commercial with the Duff sisters and I also realized that I am pretty sure that Duff the younger got some serious work done. And now she looks like shit. Duff the Elder, by the way, is still super friggin hot.

So I went totally gay the other day and bought "Extrordinary Machine" by Fiona Apple. I saw her video with Zach Galafornakis on VH 1 at 4:30 in the AM and dug the song. The CD is really good, for those who care. I also picked up the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs, which is also really fantastic.

To balance out all the estrogen, I have been reading "The Dirt" by Motley Crue. God, what a fantastic book. Each member gets to write a chapter about a certain time period in the bands history. It makes for some funny stories, like hearing about how Vince banged a certain girl, then Tommy did or vice versa. As expected, Mick is the only one who doesn't get all debauched. And who knew that they were all so obsessed with Sweet? This book and "Scar Tissue" by Anthony Kedis make illicit drugs sound really rad. I hope no one under the age of 14 reads these things. Oh wait, they don't listen to anything except T.I. and My Chemical Romance, so 80s rock wouldn't interest them.

Gimme Some Of That Nasty Bass

Lord, am I tired. A total of about 7 hours of sleep in the last two days SUCKS! Anyways, I have been downloading just about every 80s power ballad that I can find lately, and a bunch of 80s R & B also. Any suggestions? I got about all the power ballads I need (even going as far as to d/l some "Love is on the Way" by Saigon Kick and "Only Time Will Tell" by Asia). As for old school pop R&B, I went back to the late 80s. Still need to get "Love You Down" and "The Rain" again. Oh, and I got super amped when I put in an old CD mix this morning and heard "If I Had No Loot" by Tone Toni Tony (I thinks thats right). Reminds me of 5th grade.

Screw Barry Bonds. Listen, you asshole. Just because you cheated and your back is against the wall, don't play the race card. Hank Aaron had to go through segregation and death threats to beat Babe Ruths record. You were an upper class little shit whos daddy was a major league all star. Your wife was white. There would be no debate about race if your dumb ass hadn't used steroids (which I would bet my life on. Remember him with the Pirates? Leadoff hitter with Jacque Jones power numbers). If there is any justice, Bonds will never see that record be broken, and his 73! home runs in a season should be stricken from the records.

Sussudio (An Appreciation)

I went through a dark period in my life over the last few years. A period where I denied my love for a balding little Limey singer. Mr Phil Collins, I am sorry. I truly do love your hammy rock songs and poingant balladry now. My friend Nick got me to come out of the P.C. closet. He took took me home (cause I didn't remember). I came to terms with this and had to purchase both Phil's "Hits" CD and the greatest hits of Genesis. The man had like 20 top ten songs in a ten year period between the two bands. EIGHT #1s, which gives him eight more than Springsteen, Dylan and Led Zeppelin combined. I thought he was all just about these two bwhemouths, but no. Phil was an easy lover, a gun for hire. He preformed on avant glam god Brian Enos solo albums AND on George Harrisons masterpiece "All Things Must Pass." He produced an ultimate slice of 80s cheese "I Know There's Something Going On" by Frida from ABBA, and he drummed with a reuniuted Led Zeppelin at Live Aid (I haven't seen that one, cause Zep won't release it because it blows, but hey, Zeppelin!). Oh, and he was the game show host on "Miami Vice." And he was in some movie called "Buster" that I haven't seen. If you forget that song from "Tarzan" that you hear at the dentists office, you realize that Phil was hot like fire for a very long period of time. I salute you, and I will always remember to watch others drown so I can exact revenge on them at one of my concerts later on. And I may go rent "Buster," but probably not.

I Look At The Cross...

One more note on the Deftones. I am pretty sure I saw the bassist at the BC Best Buy purchasing an Xbox, a PSP and about 20 games and movies. Off to boring ass Political Theory class to listen to dudes and ladys talk like they know more than friggin Socrates. We all know that Socrates slayed the broads, while Sigmund Freud creeped them out with offers of corn dogs. And where was Napoleon, one asks? Obviously at Waterloo, the raddest place in all of San Dimas. WILD STALYNZ!!!!!

I Hear You Guys Like Vodka and Orange Juice...Yeah!!!

I saw the Deftones on Sunday. It was spectacular. Chino was obviously either REALLY feeling it or he was bombed as a mofo. He screamed into the mic for like a minute and a half, then said, "uh, that was from our, uh new album that came out, uh last week." Trouble is, that doesn't come out until May or June, and their isn't a title yet. Oh well. I saw "Knife Party," "Change," "Be Quiet and Drive," and a version of "7 Words" where he cock teased "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer by starting the "Oh yeah, all right, feels good inside" part. Then he taunted the band to play something else. The openers kind of really sucked. Thrice was decent, Atreyu had a singing drummer, which was cool and a dude who thought he was Eddie Van Halen. Story of the Year sucked ass, as did As I Lay Dying. All the in-between bands blew, including the dudes who banged on trash cans.

Bought some new albums over the last week. The new Prince is pretty good, I really feel the songs "Fury" and "Lolita" because they sound like some old school jams. Not too fond of the song with his protege or that one about incense and candles. It just seems a little cliche. Also picked up the new Ben Harper, which I really think kicks some major ass. I like the way the album is split between some soft acoustic, orchestral jams and some hard classic rock sounding cuts. It also came in a cool box. Such a strong showing after "Diamonds on the Inside" makes me kind of want to give that one another listen. I also bought "Under the Big Black Sun" by X, "Songs In The Key Of Life" by Stevie Wonder (I had that one on vinyl before though), "Steal This Album" by The Coup, "Super Black Market Clash" by The Clash, "Lifes Great When You're Straight...Yeah" by Black Grape, and Test Icicles self titled. Oh, and the "Gold Lion" single by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I used to think that they sucked ass, but this song is the new truth. So poppy that it could blow up on pop radio if they got some balls.

It's So Easy, Easy, When Everybodys Tryin' To Please Me Baby

I was perusing the Billboard 200 albums chart today, and somewhere around number 80 I saw Guns N Roses greatest hits album. No surprise, as they are probably in the top ten for most popular rock bands all time. The shock was the number of weeks it had been on the chart-101. Three weeks shy of two years. I thought everyone and their mothers already owned Appetite and the Use Your Illusions. Why can't that son of a bitch just put out Chinese Democracy? I guarantee it would sell over half a million copies in its first week, just to people like me who want to hear what the hell it sounds like. Oh, and bring back Izzy, Duff and Slash. I really don't care about Matt Sorum. But keep Velvet Revolver together I guess. Just on weekends. Do GnR on weekdays.

Kirby Puckett 1960-2006

I am still in shock from this one. No matter what happened in the man's private life, I will always view Kirby Puckett as the greatest Minnesota Twin ever, and one of the top five players I saw play in person. No man or woman who grew up in the Upper Midwest in the late 80's or early 90's was not a Kirby Puckett fan at some point. I feel like I aged about 10 years when I heard that Kirby had died. My god, was it really 10 years ago that he retired? I used to get mad that Kirby couldn't have retired on his own terms, couldn't get that 3,000th hit like Ripken or Gwynn. And now, hes gone. None of that matters.

The only thing that I can think about right now was the 1991 World Series. How great that Game 6 was. Sitting in my basement on 81st and Dupont with all my grade school friends, trading baseball cards, praying that the Twins would play on Sunday. That game was one of the best moments of my life, the best moment up until then. I get chills when I hear Jack Buck say "We'll see you tomorrow night." Then the next night, when I got to sneak out into the living room and see Gene Larkin's hit. I am pretty sure we didn't do anything in class the next day. I remember my teacher high fiving everyone who walked through the class door, and how we watched the parade on TV a week later.

My brother Zach was the big Puckett fan in the family. I think that he collected over 1,000 Kirby Puckett cards, and he has numerous things signed. All of the Eickholt boys had a favorite player. Mine was Ken Griffey, Jordans was Cal Ripken. Zach got to name the puppy we got three years ago. Kirby, like my friend from grade school had done. I guess a lot of people named their pets Kirby. That says something about the outgoing nature of the man that people would name a family member after him.

The only other deaths of celebrities I have ever taken to heart were those of Kurt Cobain and Owen Hart, the wrestler. This one is way worse. Going to the Dome this Summer isn't going to be the same. And I know when I look at the portraits on the white wall in center field for the first time this year, I will probably start to cry a little. My prayers go out to all Twins fans, and more importantly, all of the mans loved ones.

Fake Tales of San Fransisco

I'm down here in Brooklyn Park, sick as a dog. I got a horrid case of the flu, but I can still eat. That's good, but nothing settles right. I have to type a paper comparing the lives of Plato and Aristotle, but lord do I not want to do it.

I couldn't sleep last night for the life of me, so I watched "Date My Mom" or whatever that crap show on MTV is where junior "brahs" take out ice princesses while their moms act like jailbait hungry whores. Anyways, last nights episode was the first one that I have seen which, I believe, was all scripted. The moms and the brah were all squinting towards the camera and talking in a clipped, monotone sort of way. And one of the moms kept showing her ta's. It was just so fake. If some chick hung out with my mom, I'm pretty sure it would go like this. "So, how is your son." My mom would reply:" Well, hes 23, he lives at home. He wastes all his money on records and beer, and I thought he was gay until he was 16."

Well, better get to paper writing, instead of watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Dirty Dancing. Did you know that Ghost won the best original screenplay at the 1991 Oscars? What the hell else was up for it that year? City Slickers and the Mighty Ducks couldn't cut it?

Gonna Make It Right, Tonight, Tonight, Tonight, Oh Oh

This post is brought to you by Michelob. Remember, the night belongs to Michelob.

So I guess the Red Headed Stranger has a song about gay cowboys. What the hell? Willie, Waylon was totally right. Don't let your baby's grow up to be cowboys.

I found Controversy on vinyl today. I am bumpin that shit like nobody's business. Seeing how I don't own the CD, its nice to have.

So I had this paper due last Monday, a six pager on how the European treatment of the Indians was genocide. I put it off until midnight, when I wrote four of the worst, rambling pages ever. All because I really wanted to play Call Of Duty 2. This is why I am on academic probation. Shit, I can rewrite at least one paper in the class, so if I don't get a good grade, its the one.

I'm pissed I didn't download the billionth song off of itunes yesterday. The winner got ten new ipods. Maybe then I would get one that didn't suck. I still haven't gotten a call from Best Buy telling me if I have to stick with the old shitty one or if I get a new one. I hate Best Buy on about the same level that I hate Wisconsin, Brett Favre and John Madden. They like to stick it up your tailpipe really good, even if you bought the three year warranty. I am buying any major purchase at Target or Circuit City from now on.

You Can't Hurry Posts, No You Just Have To Wait. They Say Posts Don't Come Easy, It's A Game Of Give And Take

I will honor the requests of Phil Collins (so that's where you've been for the last ten years, Phil) and post a little. I was supposed to go celebrate Dr. Dre's birthday on Friday, but no cab would pick us up. So I drank a bunch of beers and listened to a rap battle where Nate faded Jeff with a line that concluded "You're Fit Finlay, I'm Lex Luger." Then I ate Burrito Loco, which I want to eff. Jeff put it best when he said "I'm gonna have so many orgasams eating this." Then I worked a bunch. I bought a shitload of discs this weekend. Heres a rundown:

Lucero- Nobody's Darlings
Social Distortion- Prison Bound
Hard Fi- Cash Machine EP
Brakes-Give Blood
Dirtbombs-Dangerous Magical Noise
Oasis-The Masterplan

Everyone knows the general on most of these bands, so I will give the rundown on Brakes and Hard-Fi. Brakes are like a drunk Irish slut. The lead singer sounds sauced and wild, and they do covers of "Jackson" by Johnny and June Cash and "Spmetimes Always" by Jesus and Mary Chain. Oh, they also do a ten second song about Dick Cheney and a minute song about telling some girl to fuck off because he wants to listen to the band. Amazing, shambing folk punk.

Hard-Fi does a pretty good Clash imitation, especially the Clash on "White Man In Hammersmith Palais." "Cash Machine" is a kind of broke Brit follow up to the Streets, and its great, all dubby and kinda punky. The rest of the songs are more of the same. Good for two bucks.

VH-1 plays some crazy shit after 2AM. I just saw the new Nada Surf video for "Always Love." I always see videos for some shit called the Fray or something before I go to bed, with a chick lead singer flying over New York City. That KT Tunstall video is always on. I don't know what to make of this chick. Its not all that shitty, and its weird to hear someone who isn't Pink or Britney on TV. That interview that she gives where she calls her music "Acoustic Folk Punk Girl Stomp" in a Scottish brouge makes me want to shoot 78 year old men with buckshot. And now they are playing "Girl" by Beck. I see this and "E-Pro" every night. Not complaining. Its strange that Viacom is playing videos off an album that, although it was the truth, didn't sell Timberlake or Fiddy numbers.

John Candy eating the "Ol' 96er" in "The Great Outdoors" is on and it makes me want to vomit. I have a soft spot for the Candyman. This film, "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" and "Uncle Buck" make me feel all fuzzy because they remind me of childhood.

Arctic Monkeys comes out tomorrow. I am amped. Goodnight.

She Seems To Have An Invisible Touch

My Ipod broke again. I plugged it in this morning to recharge, and all the songs were deleted. Fucking Steve Jobs. I bet Best Buy doesn't give me a new one. Oh, and in other news I heard the worst conversation ever at Target on Sunday. I heard a teen girl say to her friend "Aw shit, the Fugees, they legends." Her friend said, "You don't even know the Fugees." The teen girl said, "Naw, I know em. My brother gots that CD. Ooooh, Chris Brown. I want that CD. I got it burned, but I want it for the pictures." It beats the time Jeff and I heard one girl say "Why we come here?"and the other one say "For candy and stuff!!"

I Was Makin' Love Last Night, To A Dancin' Friend Of Mine

I had a rollicking good time last eve. I went to Jeffs crib and watched the Office and had a few beers, then I took a cab downtown to sing some kareoke at Old Chicago like we had done many a Thrusday. Unfortunately, they don't do that at Old Chicago anymore. It turns out that we were the only people doing kareoke on Thursdays there. So we went to Gluek's to see Hookers N Blow. It was pretty good, and they actually played some different songs ("Across The Great Divide" by The Band, "Rocks Off" by the Stones and "I Saw the Light" by Todd Rundgren) with some guy they introduced as "being straight from Greece". But it was kind of dead there. We went to the Pub, but there was, I swear to God, five people there. Why is downtown so dead on a Thursday? I thought that most people don't work on Fridays anymore. The night was finished off by eating cheap apps at Old Chicago. Fun with two n's.

Bring The Boys Home

I just saw a commercial that angered the hell out of me. It was for a group called Midwestheroes.com. The commercial consisted of Iraq war vets talking about what they had done in Iraq, rebuilding schools and such. Fine by me. But where it made me furious was where it started talking about how the real reason we were in Iraq was to fight the terrorists of Al-Qaida. They made statements about how the U.S. news only reports the bad that is going on and how we all need to support the president. Bold statements, seeing as how we are fighting an insurgency that really isn't all that much of a threat to the everyday lives of American citizens. Also, there is a lot of bad going on. Lots of American lives are being lost. We put into power a group of people who hates each other and cannot make a logical decision to save its life. The second we leave Iraq (be it in five, ten or twenty years) its going to split up into a bunch of little factions. I'm surprised that the commercial didn't have a statement about how we were about to find WMDs.

While Kids Be Watchin Thirteen, I'm In The Backroom Scopin Zoom

I just saw a State Trooper pull out an assualt rifle, load it and then approach a beat up Blazer in front of the Washington Avenue Starbucks. Scared the shit of me.

When We Make Love, Do You Look In The Mirror? Who Do You Think Of? Does He Look Like Me?

I recently went to a local Dunn Bros. for an Italian Soda (Blackberry/Strawberry). While there, I decided to check my blog for posts. Well, according to the filters at Dunn Bros, my blog is banned. I feel so much like Luther Campbell and the rest of the Crew its scary.

Not much doing lately, been working 40 a week and trying to go to class. Its hard when one of your professors only has class for ten minutes a session. So I usually don't go to that one. And I have been battling some kind of virus that destroys me at random times. I got uber sick on Monday and had to miss a pretty important class. It sucks.

I think that the Arctic Monkeys album comes out next week, so I will actually be buying something on a Tuesday for the first time since the Strokes new album came out a month ago. Where are all the new movie/CD releases?

Why Count Lifes' Complexities When The Leather Runs Smooth On The Passenger Seat?

I looked at a list of the Oscar nominees today and I was kind of put off. The fact that Walk The Line wasn't nominated was kind of a shock. I think that the only way that you can get nominated is if you play a retarded person, a homosexual or someone who has a mental disability or is crippled. Seriously, Tom Hanks wins two years in a row (as a gay man with AIDS and a mentally slow guy) and loses the third as an astronaut. Sean Penn and Leonardo were also both nominated for playing retarded characters. It's kind of funny. I would bet the house that Brokeback Mountain wins for movie and director, and Reese Witherspoon wins for Walk The Line. Hell, thats the only one of the movies that I have seen. I hope that both leads from that movie win, but they will probably give it to the fat guy from Boogie Nights because he plays a gay guy and 2006 is the year of manly love at the Academy I guess.

On a totally unrelated note, I have rekindled my long dormant relationship with twice baked potatoes. I had one tonight and all the great memories of Ms. Korhorst's 7th grade Home Ec class came flooding back.

The Atomic Punk

Sorry about the lack of updates, I have been too busy fucking up this game called Guitar Hero I bought for PS2. It comes with these mini guitar controllers that have five fret buttons and a whammy bar (or as Cassandra in Waynes World would say, "A Whammee Bawr"). You get to rock out hard core to songs like "Ace Of Spades" and "More Than A Feeling." It truly is the truth.

This early Spring is fantastic. Spring usually doesn't show up until like June, so this is great. I went to the Wild game Thursday with Quade (Wild won 5-1) and I didn't have to wear a coat over my Wild sweater. It was great, except that it was in Saint Paul, which is what I would expect Milwaukee or Indianapolis to be like at night. Meaning, it was dead and full of fat people.

I also purchased NHL 2K6 and I have been dominating the NHL with the Flames. Not that anyone cares.

My pick for the Super Bowl is the Pittsburgh Steelers over Seattle, 31-17. I am pretty sure that the city of Pittsburgh needs something like this, seeing as how they have no industry and the Penguins are leaving and the Pirates suck. Plus, the Seahawks are always disappointing, I hate Mike Holmgren more than pretty much anything, and I like Bill Cowher's coaching. And the ladies think that Big Ben is hot I guess.

I found a pizza restaurant near the Northtown Starbucks called Umbria that is right up there with Luce in goodness. Oh my God, this was fantastic. All the sudden at work one day, this big Eastern European guy comes in, orders a double espresso, then casually tosses these menus for the place down. I looked at the pics and ingredient list and had to have it. I had the spinach and feta and something called the DaVinci, which had homemade sausage and meatballs and red onions. They give you some sort of gyro sauce to dip the pizza in instead of ranch, and it truly was a mouthgasm. I will be ordering in again next time I close.

If I Could Walk On Water, If I Could Find Some Way To Prove...

First two days of school are long and draining. I tried to go for a sunup to sundown fast today, but the egg kolache at Kolache Factory in Brookdale proved my undoing. I am trying to live a little bit healthier, but when Old Chicago calls (as it did last night), I have to be seduced. And all this sitting here, 10-8, after working in the morning doesn't help the need for the occasional bagel or burger. Anyways...

Forgot to mention my honorable mentions for 2005 albums. As I am at school, I cannot do this tonight. I can name a few that I bought too late in 2005 to totally digest before the review (but I still liked a lot). They would be My Morning Jacket and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. They both kicked some serious ass.

I am borderline retarded for the 99-cent Bean and Cheesy Rice Burrito at Taco Bell. I used to make something exactly like this when I worked there, and I wish I would have suggested it to corperate back then. Working at Taco Bell fucking sucked. I worked with over 100 people (by my count) in a two year span because the turnover was so high. It was fun working with a 14-year old Steve Louwerse and Kyle Olson and Mike Gale though. We used to make Slurpees out of the soda in the walk-in and play music all the time because our manager was always strung out on blow. One time our shift went out to smoke up in his car with two other employees, leaving me and Kyle alone in the store during the middle of a rush. Our only way to get revenge was to put Chilitos underneath the celing tiles in the managers office. Ah, youth.

My Bitchfag of the week goes out to the douche working at Cheapo last night who wouldn't let me use a travellers checque. Fucker cost me the Moby Grape CD for six bucks. Hey, brah, quit hitting on the jailbait Goth chick and look at the damn check.

I'm thinking about going to either Vegas or Nashville for spring break (mid- March). Anyone who is down, let me know. My Spring Break is the 13th through the 18th. All I can say is that I am scared shitless to fly. The first and only time I flew I horked into a sick bag after I accidentally ate the parsley.

Oh, and I am in love with Carrie Underwood from American Idol. My good Lord, does that chick fill out a Resees Pieces top or what?

2005 Albums of the Year

2005 was a pretty good year for music, as long as you didn't listen to top 40 radio. Then, it was all stuff like "Wait til you see my dick, bitch" and "I'll take you to the candy shop, I'll let you lick the lollypop." 2005 was the year of the dick in pop music, I guess. Gay. Anyways, here is a few of my favorite albums and singles of the last year.

Common "Go"- I approached this one carefully after the hogepodge of mediocrity that was "Electric Circus." "Go" came out swinging like Sugar Ray Lenoard to "Circus" Fat George Foreman. Kanye made some classic beats while Common throws out classic lines about being more faithful than Eric Benet. And "The Food" comes out of nowhere to be the first "live" cut on a rap CD in, well, the first that I can remember.

Shout Out Louds "Howl Howl Gaff Gaff"- The Swedish Cars. Synths, girly lyrics that very obviously were written by ESL dudes. A bassist that smelled like rock and roll and had a creepy beard. "Very Loud" wasn't, but who the hell cares when it kicks so much ass?

LCD Soundsystem- Ass shaking one minute, Beatles ripoff the next. A Daft Punk houseparty would have been the shit in, like, 1998. This was labled techno, dance and a whole lot of other stuff, but I call it rock. Mainly because of the copious amounts of cowbell.

New Pornographers "Twin Cinema"- Lord almighty, do I love power pop. I really dig the guy singing one minute, the country chick singing the next. I am not really sure what "listening to long to one song/Sing me Spanish techno" means but I like it.

Bloc Party "Silent Alarm"- This one sounds like "Boys Don't Cry" crossed with...well, it really just is straight up Cure. But the Cure if Robert Smith wasn't fat, and he was black. And I'm pretty sure that the lead singer would be cooler than Robert Smith, who is pretty damn rad in my book. A punky good time, with rave-ups and icy ballads.

White Stripes "Get Behind Me Satan"- I listened to this and was all, "Holy Hell, this is a little different than the other four." Then I realized that they took lounge pop and rocked the hell out of it. It sounds like some twisted 60s Phil Spector nightmare. And the cover kicks ass, mainly because Jack White looks like a gay movie cowboy, predating "Brokeback Mountain" by like six months.

Brendan Benson "The Alternative To Love"- A work of power pop genius. I still am totally unsure of what Jack White sees in this dude. I too, am forever in search of the alternative to love. And "Spit It Out" will be considered a classic in five years, I guarantee.

Beck "Guero"- Nothing this man does is boring. This one rocked like "Odelay" and in many ways trumps it. The singles are not up to that albums classics ("Girl" may be), but the whole album seems to flow better. "Missing" is an all time classic.

Lyrics Born "Same Shit, Different Day"- A remix album of the classic "Later That Day." Nuff said. Oh wait. "I Changed My Mind" is on it too. There is no justice until Lyrics Born hits the mainstream.

Spoon "Gimmie Fiction"- Something about this is just cool. The album cover looks like a 50s photo shoot, and the music is straight up indie pop. "Sister Jack" was so bomb that it was in "Wedding Crashers" and "I Turn My Camera On" is a creepy funk jam. And there is a song about Dungeons and Dragons I think also.

Franz Ferdinand "You Could Have It So Much Better"- The ambiguously gay party sluts go all straight and sing pretty ballads about their girlfriends on top of their songs about gay hookups. Yes, I believe you now. You truly are the new Scottish Gentry.

Magic Numbers- What the Mamas and the Papas would be if they came out now and kind of quasi rocked the folk jams.

The TOP 2 Albums of 2005:

RUNNER UP: The Hold Steady "Seperation Sunday"- A great bar band telling stories about Stillwater, South Minneapolis and...OSSEO? Freaking Osseo? On a national album? Hood rats going straight? I can't believe this turned out to be so damn amazing. It vibes with what I heard from Peter Harold Quist about the early 90s in Minneapolis. The homeless kids camped out for the buses, and City Center was the center but no one goes there now. A "Born To Run" for the new century.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR: Kings Of Leon "Aha Shake Heartbreak- This album kicked my ass twelve ways to Sunday. Southern decadence crossed with gutter punk mentality. The best live show of the year, maybe the best ever. "The Bucket" becoming an anthem. Gods? I know this.

SINGLES OF THE YEAR: 2005 had to be the worst year for pop singles in a long time. So most of these are rock songs. Thanks to Jeff Hill for introducing me to about half of the new music I heard last year.

"Plays The Hits" HAL- The Beach Boys outdone. Summer in three and a half minutes.

"I Predict A Riot" Kaiser Chiefs- Britpop lives! What the hell is getting "Larried" exactly?

"Hounds Of Love" The Futureheads- A remake of a fucking Kate Bush song by dudes who really dig on the Jam. Awesome.

"Gold Digger" Kanye West- Can I say anything that hasn't been said about this one? Oh yeah, I hate Ray Charles.

"Spit It Out" Brendan Benson- Jack Whites BFF jamming on his relationship issues.

"Do You Want To?" Franz Ferndinand- Most poncy since Bowie sang about the church of man, love.

"Girl" Beck- Another summer jam. And I think its about killing your lady or stealing her eyes or something like that.

"Daft Punk Is Playing in My House" LCD Soundsystem- Dude, I think that you were the only person waiting for Daft Punk to play your house. Still kickass.

"The Bucket" Kings Of Leon- 18, balding. Obviously Kate Moss didn't care, as she still did coke with you guys.

"Banquet" Bloc Party- The line "I'm on fire when you come" is just so filthy.

"Rebellion (Lies)" Arcade Fire- A jam that, unfortunately, got way too hyped by indie fucktards.

Don'tcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Raw Like Me?

I woke up from my nappy poo today to find out that my brother had bought the NewsRadio DVD set! I am so pumped. I used to watch NewsRadio every time that it was on while I was in middle school. They moved the damn show around so much that I couldn't follow it sometimes. I quit watching it though after Phil Hartman died and Jon Lovitz took over. That bastard, his best role was on The Critic. I can't believe how different the pilot was. The handyman wasn't Joe, and it was shot all dark and dank. And it's weird that the old news director was played by Russell from Wayne's World. And Lisas cute, even though she is wearing something like a maternity jumper in the first episode. What a crush I had on her...

So This Is The New Year? And I Don't Feel Any Different

300 posts! Nice, if I don't say so myself. Anyways, 2006 is upon me, and I have high hopes. I have no desire to relive 2005. I had some good times, but overall, I didn't like the vibe that I got from 2005. I just didn't have as much fun as the year prior. This year is going to be sweet because even numbered years are so much better than odd numbered. 1984 was an even numbered year, and I think that it was the best year ever. Come on, Gremlins, Ghostbusters, Purple Rain, Van Halen, The Replacements "Let It Be," The L.A. Olympics, and more! I also have a fond spot for 1988, 1992, 1994, 1996, and 2004. For some reason, they just seem better.

My New Year's Eve was pretty fun. I went over to Nate and Jeff's pad for a bash, but I was pretty sick the whole previous week (I even went and got tested for mono on NYE at around 4. Thank god it was negative) and I couldn't get very out of control. It was still fun, except for the douche bags who kept starting somethin' and some heroin addict looking dude who called me "Charlie."

As for the whole year, I don't have any long-term resolutions. I am going to cut out the fast food somewhat, and probably be nicer to people. These will only probably last a week or two, but hey.