Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Harmful If Swallowed(Or Heard, Or Seen)

Dane Cook is probably the most super unfunny comedian I have ever had the misfortune of hearing. What the fuck does this guy think hes doing? Seriously, how is telling a bullshit story followed by some random phrase a joke? There is no punchline, no nothing. Oooooh, I should laugh because someone shit on the coats. The dude just runs around on the stage, waves his arms around like a retarded 3rd grader who had one too many Runts, and makes a "brah" face. How is this funny?

Trust me, my brothers both love this guy. I have tried to listen to his bullshit, but I get nothing. There is one story (I can't say joke) about a friend no one likes that I found amusing, but the rest is lowbrow brah junk.

In honor of Cinderfella Dana Dane, I'm going to do a Dane Cook routine. Imagine me in a Polo shirt with jock hair and you get the setting.

"Dude, you ever like, go out to the bar and get completely shitfaced? I did one time with my buddy Jeff and this Somali cab driver came and got us. He made me pour his FUCKING tea and dropped us off by the river. Then, like, Jeff had to take a piss, so he, like took a HUGE leak on a toad. And I was like, Brah, why are you toad pissin? WHY ARE YOU FUCKING TOAD PISSIN?" END SCENE.

In conclusion, Dane Cook is a major tool.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Jesus, Take The Wheel

I want Carrie Underwood to be my country fed wifey. We could have a hometown honeymoon, wildflowers and lovin in bloom. Come on, I know you read this. As Martin Fry of ABC put it, "be near me, be near."

School is almost done, thank goodness. I can't wait, can't wait for it to be over so I can work 40 hours a week and stroll around the house in the semi-nude and play FIFA and maybe Zelda for the Wii. And, for those who care, I became a pro at Wii bowling again, only to lose it the same night.

I went real bowling last night, and I was doin' pretty fine before my old friend Sam Adams kicked my ass. I'm pretty sure that in the last game, I bowled a 70. I shit you not. Stanks a million to everyone who bought me shit that night (and to Jeff for the RATM live disc, it ROQQQS!), it made for a fun 24th.

The Cuts:
"You Are" Sir Lionel
"Killing In The Name" Rage
"Dare" Gorillaz
"Lazy Eye" Silversun Pickups
Anything that Jimmy Page/Robert Plant touched (I'm diggin mad Led Zep right now, and that "Sea Of Love" cover is dope too)

Monday, December 04, 2006

I Don't Like Mondays. I Wanna Shoot, Shoot The Whole Day Down

I hate Mondays, I hate German, I hate that Manchester United was defeated THREE times in a row by the computer in FIFA 2004. I love Pineapple Fanta, but I hate that I can't get it anywhere in Minneapolis, yet there was an empty 12 pack in the dumpster at work. I love pizza, but I'm sick of the frozen stuff. I love the Wii, probably more than I could ever love a woman. I also love Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker" game and the three Michael Jackson Terminators and the MIDI versons of MJs songs. And I love LeBron James. I am a witness.

The Cuts For Monday:
"I Love It When You Call" The Feeling
"I Don't Like Mondays" Boomtown Rats
"Nitro" The Offspring
"Vultures" John Mayer
"93 Til Infinity" Souls Of Mischief
"Wig Wam Bam" The Sweet