Yeah, I Said You're Fat...

I was studying for this hard ass Physchology of Advertising test that I am bound to fail, and I came across Heavyweights on TBS. This is one of those Disney movies that you cannot stop watching. The fat kids run amok at a Summer camp run by Ben Stiller as an unfunny nut job. Ben Stiller has a reoccuring theme in his movies. He always plays a fitness crazed nutjob or a model or just an average dude. The thing is, Ben Stiller is neither good looking or in tip top shape. And the average guy I know is not a nebbish Jewish guy from New York making six figures. Too much thinking. Anyway, the movie is amusing. Early 1990s fashions were horrendus, and being a bit of a heavyweight at the time, I recall rocking the large ass T-Shirts with shitty sports teams on them. Never with the hooded T-Shirts though. I avoided them like the plague.

Lovers Forever, Face To Face

Spring has sprung, and so am I. J/K. I always wanted to use that line somehow. Anyways, spent the last three days working shit shifts and studying for a myriad of tests. In the meantime, I walked to class on the first nice day of the season bumping "Pet Sounds" all the way there. Then yesterday, I skipped my first class and rambled about the neighborhood listening to the new Beck album. I really like it. I bought the "book" version along with J.A. Hill the other day. Jeff didn't want to buy it originally because it wouldn't fit into a theoretical CD shelf he someday may have. Also bought the Bravery. Good shit also, although I am scared this new synth trend will soon tire me. Hopefully not, as I am digging it hardcore. Oh, and on Monday I sat in my room alone and listened to "Dirty" by Sonic Youth two times in a row. It was a tad depressing.

Noooooooooooo Smoking In Heaven

R.I.P. Bob Casey. You always seemed so angry at the opposing teams, the youngsters and those asshole smokers. And you couldn't pronounce "Giambi" or anything else. Still, who will PA now? You were the only PA guy the Twins ever had. And you told the Vikings fans not to throw bottles at refs after the Hail Mary game. Goodnight, Bob. I will say "And now, your MINNASSSSSOTTTTTTTA TWINNNNS!!" for you tonight.

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror

I never need the companionship of a woman again because I have the Michael Jackson trial and his overall weirdness. This will keep me satisfied for as long as I live. I get so pumped when I see the new Jacko news, and there is so much of it. Here is some quotes from an interview with Rev. Jesse Jackson. This is the kind of stuff that gets me through. Why would Jesse Jackson interview this creep?

MJ:``I gain strength from God. I believe in Jehovah God very much"
Jehovah God? Isn't it the God Jehovah?

MJ:``Elizabeth Taylor used to feed me, to hand-feed me, at times"
What an image!!


``I was coming out of the shower and I fell and all my body weight - I'm pretty fragile - all my body weight fell against my rib cage,'' Jackson said. ``And I bruised my lung very badly.''
Sham-on, Sham-On!

However, he said he believes he is just the latest of several ``black luminaries'' to be unjustly accused, citing former South African President Nelson Mandela and former heavyweight boxing champions Muhammad Ali and Jack Johnson as others.
Bitch, you are not black. And Muhammad Ali and Nelson Mandela were persecuted for religious/political beliefs. You fucked little boys in the ass and gave them "Jesus Juice." You deliusional tard.

Reasons To Be Cheerful One, Two, Three

As I write this, I have to work in six hours. I really can't sleep, as I am riled up by all the fags that I have seen in the last two days. I am so sick of the dudes with "jock face" (my new term for a dude with a bugeyed baggy eyed slack jawed face) trapsing around my world and making me want to go all crazy. Here is a list of the things that have to go with these jock faced dudes:

1.Hollister clothes- Cool, your shirt looks vintage. Congrats, douche.
2.Striped Polos with matching colored undershirts- Again, cool. You just rolled out of bed brah. Nice look.
3. Pink Button Downs- Especially the ones with green dental floss stripes on them.
4.Pre-Torn Hoodies- I have been wearing the same blue hoodie for five years and the fucker ain't ripped yet. I know you totally partied hard, but try to dress dece.
5.TEK-Vests- I thought this shit died in 2000. Why in the fuck is it coming back?
6.Aviatiors-The only reason to wear these is to look ironic.
7.Trucker Hats- Fucking Kutcher doesn't even rock this anymore, and he is the king of fags.
8.Pre-Ripped Faded Jeans- You're so nonchlant about your fashion, dooder. Sweet
9.The Biggest That Needs To Die...WHITE BASEBALL CAPS! Wear that shit backward brah, I want to see that you rep the "Cocks" or the "Shockers." Better if the brim comes pre ripped.

Indie fucktards, you don't get off so easy either.
1.Dude From Modest Mouse hats- You are not in the Civil War. Stop it.
2.Mos Def Beanie things- You don't look bohemian, or like Timberlake. You just look gay.
3.Olive colored anything- Not flattering,and I am a fatass with no fashion sense telling you this.
4.Drain Pipe Jeans- The only skinny white dude ever who should rock these is Joey Ramone. And he died in 2001.
5.Tight ass Jeans- You weigh 110 pounds and you are 6'1''. Like you have anything to show off.
6.Messenger Bags- Maybe you have something cool in there, but I bet its just a Superchunk album and some lame poetry.
7.John Kerry buttons on said Messenger Bags- We lost to a retarded shaved ape. We have to come to terms with this NOW! Stop putting your faith in a false messiah and move on.

And The Ladies...
1.TEK Vests- Doesn't keep you warm, doesn't flatter. What, are leg warmers next?
2.Lip Gloss with a bad dye job- Just makes you look like a drunken party slut.
3.Fake Tan- I love a nice tan. But orange just ain't the way to go.

Actually, I kinda like the way the girls rip the jeans on the ass. So they get off easy on this one. I always kill for that kind of nostalgia.

Tattoo You

Got my tattoo last night. It turned out really really good. Zachs old school Twins logo turned out better than I ever thought it could. And, contrary to the popular belief, I didn't cry like a bitch. Good times. I was tired as hell this morning though and I don't really remember my opening shift. That shit lasted five hours and it is a blur.

I guess Weezer has a new single out called "Beverly Hills." My brother Jordan heard it and he said that Rivers trys to rap or something, but I am not that fearful. They have never released a bad song...EVER! Few bands can claim that one. Fuck, even Pearl Jam has "Bugs" and "The Red Dot" which actually really is a red dot on the CD case. And they are coming in concert to First Ave. on May 3rd. I'm there.

Gypsies Tramps and Thieves

My brother said that Mr. Zimmerman (the CPHS A/V teacher and probably the single biggest jerkstore in my high school career this side of the House II principal Mr. Hegna) was dancing around to his copy of Chers greatest hits in class on Friday. Would you let me deliver you a pass now, Mr. Zimmerman? Or do I still have to wait out in the hall while you are talking?

Gangster Of Love Just Like Steve Miller

Playlist on Zach Eickholts IPod (due to mine breaking and being out of comission for two weeks)

1.Don't Stop Me Now-Queen
2.Five Million Ways To Kill A CEO- The Coup
3.No Vaseline- Ice Cube
4.This Beat Goes On/Switch Into Glide- The Kings
5.Summer Babe (Winter Version)- Pavement
6.Brilliant Mistake- Elvis Costello
7.Sound And Vision- David Bowie
8.I'm Destructive- Dr. Octagon
9.September Gurrls- Big Star
10.The Boys Are Back In Town- Thin Lizzy

Went to Gastoffs and Statsius last night. Saw a big 40 year old dude KILL "Lodi Dodi" and not even look at the screen. He also had backup singers and gave us the rock on the way out.

Both my brother Jordan and I have raised this question in the last week: Could Ice Cube really "fuck around and get a triple double?" I really doubt it. Unless they were playing to 30 or something, but could he really dominate?

Finally getting the tat on Monday. Two years in the making. Its gonna be really sweet, and Zach is going to get the old Twins logo (the two dudes shaking hands over the Mississippi) and Steve may get one similar to Jeffs I guess.

Welcome To The Real World She Said To Me

The last episode of the Philadelphia Real World is hella gay. Oooh, whaaa, I fell in love with some hot chick who lives in the same house as me for six months. Not very hard, I bet. If I lived ate and breathed the same air as anyone for six months I would probably want to have relations with them. The whole show is designed for one couple to develop- thats the way it has been since the beginning. If you are both so in love with each other, try a long distance relationship or something. Come on, do you expect me to believe this shit?

Also, a strange question posed to me today randomly: Would you rather have sex with Whoopi Goldberg or Bruce Villanche if forced to choose at gunpoint. I picked Villanche.

Oh, and you can still post on my site, even if you want to talk shit about my friends...

Liberian Girl (REMIX)

The damn Liberians sent me another email about claiming my millions from the Charles Taylor regime. When will this madness stop?

Close Your Eyes, Give Me Your Hand Darling

Shins tickets go on sale March 11th for a show on tax day, April 15th. I'm there. I also discovered that it's OK to like the Bangles. The fucking Bangles sang "Manic Monday" by Prince and covered "Hazy Shade Of Winter" by Paul Simon and "September Gurrls" by Alex Chilton. Anyone who covers these gods is OK in my book. And I love to gay rock out to "Eternal Flame" alone in my car.

South Park Season 5 may be the greatest TV DVD set ever, except for the first Family Guy, the second "Curb Your Enthusiam" and the third and fourth "Simpsons" seasons. I think that I am going to pick up "Arrested Development" tomorrow.

Chilled with Steve Louwerse last night for the first time in like a year. His townhouse is really nice and made me want to move out badly. Talked about the Farm and the old days. Said that he makes more than a full time Farm CC. Went to Coyote Grill with Geoff and Steve and ate some burrito. I cannot believe that someone I have known since he was 14 is going to be a dad within the next week. Scary shit. Thank god its not me, nor will it ever probably be. I just can't see myself having chilluns.

Be Cool Motherfuckers Be Cool

Saw "Be Cool" tonight. It was really really funny. Suprisingly, Andre and The Rock did really good when I figured they would be wooden as actors. Some idiot shaggy haired kids behind us said that the movie was "Cheesy." There was nothing cheesy about it. Stupid kids wouldn't know cheesy if Constantine bit them on the ass. And I also have a newfound respect for Cedric The Entertainer. He was actually funny.

Liberian Girl

I keep getting these random emails to my U of M account (which, by the way no one knows) from some guy in Liberia. For those who didn't know, Charles Taylor is a international war criminal who raped and slaughtered thousands. I put the best part in bold.

Dear Holt,
This is a very private and confidential contact I am making with you. I am Vaani
Passawe, a close aide of the former Liberian President, Charles Taylor who is
presently in Calabar, a town in South East Nigeria, on political asylum. He had
been wrongly accused by human rights group of masterminding conflicts in West
Africa. He was unjustly indicted in June last year by a U.N.-backed kangaroo war
crimes tribunal in Sierra Leone on trumped-up charges that he armed and trained
rebels in exchange for diamonds.
But the real criminals are the rebels of the so-called Liberians United for
Reconciliation and Democracy and their allies who were for over three years
attacking government forces in an attempt to oust Taylor. They went against the
wishes of the ordinary Liberian people because Taylor and his National Patriotic
Party had an overwhelming victory when special elections were held in 1997.
To put an end to all the killings and lootings, Taylor in July last year
accepted an offer of asylum from Nigeria's president. And being a man of his
words, on August 11 last year he stepped down as president and handed over power
to Vice President Moses Blah and left for Nigeria. But sadly those who came to
correct the ills are worse offenders and today the poor masses of Liberia are in
more pains.
However, the enemies of Taylor are not done yet. In a senseless witch-hunting
they are mounting international pressure to have him extradited and prosecuted.
All his assets and properties are being systematically frozen. We are in danger
of being exterminated and we have to act fast. To save for the rainy day, it is
my intention to relocate some funds overseas hence the contact with you. I have
in my possession funds amounting to US$15.5 million and I am seeking for foreign
assistance to help in relocating it. For safety and security reasons it will not
be wise to attempt investing the funds here. The environment is not conducive
and there is naked hostility orchestrated by anti-Taylor forces.If you can
assist in relocating and investing the funds, I will be willing to give you 20%
which is US$3.1million. I hope you will understand that my entire life and
future may depend on this money.
The major thing I will demand from you is the absolute assurance that the money
will be safe and you will not sit on it when it gets to you.If you are ready to
assist please contact me immediately. I shall be most grateful if you will be
confidential and keep this message entirely to yourself.
Please contact me through this email address only for security reasons.
Best regards,
Vaani Passawe

Gonna Put A John Prine Record On

I went record shopping today and found a bunch of vinyl for really cheap. I also bought a John Prine record because Art Alexakis told me to and I was curious. It's ok, 70s country. I got "Trust" by Elvis Costello, "Look Sharp!" by Joe Jackson (which is also the title of a Roxette Album), "At Budokan" by Cheap Trick and "Never Mind The Bollocks" by The Sex Pistols. Also picked up some 45s "I Got You(I Feel Good)", "Ramblin Gambin Man", "Immigrant Song" and "Ballroom Blitz." Total: 20 bucks. Not bad a'tall.

Teach Your Children Well (aka Fuck You David Crosby, You Walrus Looking Hippie Bitch)

I have nailed it on the head, I have. I figured out why people in society are rude. Hear me out on this one. The reason is the parenting in the 1960's. Yep, that whole free love you are special line of bullshit is the reason people feel the need to talk on their cell phone while they are being helped by cashiers and for road rage. You see, the parents in the 60s and the 70s didn't want to raise their kids like their parents. So they told their kids that they were special and they hung on their every word. The problem was that these kids weren't special. They were just like everyone else who worked for a living and had crappy little homes in the suburbs. But they thought that they were special. That is why they treat everyone else like shit when they aren't helped and satisfied immeadietly. Everything is based on instant gratification. And the worse part is, it isn't going to get any better.

That is why I treat people who have shit jobs nicely if they are doing a good, honest job. I'm not talking about the shit hoppers who work at Wendy's (they just don't give a fuck and are almost as bad as the spoiled-yuppie offspring). I don't talk on my phone at the cash register and I realize that my ass is going to have to wait in line sometimes. And I tip well for good service. I leave nearly a dollar at coffee shops, and good tips when I go to restruants. I just wish others would do this as well.

I'm The Singer In The Band

My Blogger question had me come up with some band names, and I was a tad creative. Here is the whole list:

Rolo Stones, The Wife Beatles, 80s Bangs, Heijakazume, Breaking Kayfabe, Puken (mit Umlaut), The Skinny Fatasses, Bigger Than Jesus, Son Of Sam Wiest, The Beastiality Boys, Smooth Move Ex-Lax, Ezra, The Three Wisemen, The Femme Fatales, and Kajagoogoo

Dogstar ROQQS (With TWO! Q's)

Forgot to mention that "Constantine" may be the worst movie ever. No plot, Keanu is so wooden that he could be replaced by an Ent, and Satan is played by some character actor that no one knows. Nick Miller summed it up best with the statement, "I'm pretty sure herpes would be better than this."

Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning?

Oh my God! I was reading this old Buddyhead gossip page from the Spring of 2001 and I came across this line:

The new Slayer comes out on Def Jam/Island on September 11. Someone is going to die on that day.

Yeah I know people say random shit like that all the time. This line just made the hairs on my arm stand up. How trivial the day September 11th was before the fact. How nothing involving that day beforehand was special. I think that the Twins played the Royals, or were supposed to. I had the day off at the farm, and I was going to go buy the new System Of A Down album that day. Instead, I drove my brother to school and then went and ate Taco Bell with Nick listening to the radio in shock. What a strange day. I bet everyone can remember every little detail from it though. Can you believe its almost been four years??

Don't Walk Away Boy

I found a few interesting things tonight. One was a mix of my favorite guilty pleasure songs from elementary school and junior high. The whole mix wasn't just guilty pleasure songs. A guilty pleasure song has to be something that has absolutely no artistic merit whatsoever. It also has to be lame and catchy. Some of the songs on the mix were "Don't Leave Me" by Blackstreet, "Don't Walk Away" by Jade, "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers and "I Gotta Man" by Positive K. This song has to have the worst lyrics ever. EVER. One is "Are you some kind of Chef?/Cause you be feedin me soup." What the fuck does that mean? The most embarassing song on the mix has to be "All For Love" by Color Me Badd. This song is so lame, yet I love it. I have since I sat in my friends basement reading Beckett Football Card Monthly listening to it in 1992. I knew it was lame then, I know now. I just don't care.

The other thing that I "discovered" was Boston's self titled album. Every song on it is fucking classic. I remember them from listening to KQ with my dad as a kid. I have been bumping the pretentious cock rock these days. That and "A Night at the Opera" by Queen are the shit.