You're A Heartbreaker

MIGHTY TARKIN SPLIT TWIN BILL

by Kiki Vandewege III
TJIFA staff reporter

FRIDLEY, MN-

Season 1.5 of Grand Moff Tarkin began tonight in a rousing fashion at the Fridley Ball Yards. The Tarkin beat up on Team Hardcore 14-5 in the first game and lost a heartbreaker to Brownberry in the second game, 27-19. The cause of the heartbreak was the shitty play of the incredibly attractive and intelligent 3rd baseman, Jake Eickholt. Although both gifted of glove and sexual ability on a normal night, Eickholt bobbled the third out of the inning on a routine ground ball. This lead to an eight run inning for the visitors.

Hot bats were wielded by catcher Shawn Almen and team captain (and US Olympic swimmer) Zach Eickholt. Manager-Shortstop Brandon Quade hit a 360 foot blast that just missed being the longest home run in Tarkin history. Also of note: First Baseman Jeff Hill was outstanding at the lead sack, making a run-saving catch of a Brownberry liner in the 5th inning. The Tarkin continue their season next week at the Fridley Ball Yards at 8 and 9 PM, Central Standard Time.

We'll Play Jacks and UNO Cards

So I was hanging out with my gay lover Wikipedia tonight, and I looked up Topps(as in the producer of baseball cards). I started reminiscing like Little River Band about how absolutely nuts I was about sports cards in the late 80s and early 1990s, and about how popular cards were. I remember the People's Plus on Humboldt used to actually have packs of cards from the 70s and 80s that you could buy for more per pack(I think that 1980 Topps went for like $13 a pack). Even today, I will still buy a pack of cards at least once a year, just for old times sake.

I also was remembering how absolutely gay some of the cards were. One cards that sticks out was a card of Jeff Bagwell in a tux holding a baseball, with his mullet and acne in full effect. What the fuck is cool about Jeff Fucking Bagwell in a tux? The other one that sticks out is Nolan Ryan tossing a football in his Rangers uniform. I remember my boys going absolutely ape shit for that card, and I think a couple of them paid like ten bucks for it at a card show at Village North. Ah, yes Village North card shows, AKA pedophiles delight. So many little boys in one place at a time, with no parents to be found. Weren't the 90s cool?

Oh, and am I the only one who remembers People's Plus?

And on a totally unrelated note, I propose a new name for Anoka County... how about Methlehem?

Five O'Clock World

Well, the first post-college job interview/job fair have had came and went today. I didn't get the job (sales account exec at KOOL 108) and I knew I wasn't going to get the job going into it. It wasn't a lack of self confidence, I just didn't have the sales experience that it would take to sell advertising on a regular basis for a national company. The guy who interviewed me seemed impressed with my knowledge of ratings systems and such, though, so I guess that was a silver lining. But he did tell me to wear a suit next time. Oh well, like Alanis said, you live, you learn. But, I did get a KOOL 108 T-Shirt and a Cities 97 Coozy! This had to be the only job interview I have ever gotten swag at. I don't even think I got a free latte OFFERED to me when I interviewed at Starbucks.

I'm kind of half out of it due to a full work day and a job fair, so I watched some soccer on ESPN 2. For those who don't know, I'm a closet soccer fan. The funny thing is, I really don't know all that much about it. I just like to watch it, for some reason(and to scream at the Canada U-20 team on TV when I'm drunk...thanks Labatts 10.1%). Anyways, it was Chivas vs. LA, or some team with sweet striped shirts vs. Beckham. Just watching for 20 minutes, you could see how one would find Beckham electric. LA was losing 2-0, and he created the only two scoring chances for his team. He may be old, and injured, but it was kind of like watching Jordan with the Wizards. Even if you didn't follow basketball, you could tell that he was the most naturally gifted man on the court. That he read things differently. That's what I felt when I saw Beckham tonight.

The Cuts!
"Love Lies Bleeding" Elton John
"Timebomb" Beck(Possibly the dumbest song ever by Mister Hansen)
"Give The Drummer Some" Ultramagnetic MC's
"Ugly As I Seem" White Stripes
"Babe" Styx

I've Been Waiting...Waiting For This Moment

This website totally justifies the stalker pics I took of the guy at Lolla in the Manute Bol jersey. Thank you, Jesus!

http://straightcashhomey.net/

P.S.- Isn't the blogs name fucking wonderful?

These Are Of A Few Of My Favorite(and Least Favorite)Things

I haven't done one of these in a while. Here it goes:

LIKES:

• Those Banana Pepper things you get with a pizza at Papa Johns. I've been putting them on everything for the last week
• Scarlett Johannson's mouth. I'd like to put something in that for about a week. And it ain't a banana pepper
• The cover of Rolling Stone with Guns N Roses on the cover. Coolest motherfuckers ever. They look like they would even kick Bon Scott's ass
• The 80s teen flick Class. Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Alan Ruck(aka Cameron from Ferris Buller aka Brandon Quade), and...CUSACK! Really, who gives a fuck when you have the Mt.Olympus of pussy guys?
• KISS In Attack Of The Phantoms- I don't think there could ever be something more retarded than this. I can't even begin to compare this movie to anything that exists. Its like if Corkey from Life Goes On wrote a movie about KISS, and then it was edited by Forrest Gump and I Am Sam. So basically, its fucking brilliant.
• Mountain Dew Game Fuel. It's like so fucking good it will make you forget every other soda that has ever existed, except for OK Soda.
• Hockey Fights on YouTube-Better than self-lovin'!
• "Nightswimming" by REM-I forgot how absolutely perfect this song is.

DISLIKES:

• That commercial for YAZ birth control. There is never a bigger turnoff than pieces of ass talking about their fucking period. Ever.
• This one customer who waits outside work every day at 4:30AM-Why in the fuck would you wait at that time for a Mocha Frapp? Really, who other than a resident of Anoka County does shit like this?
• Anoka County(and in particular order: Fridley, Coon Rapids, Blaine, Spring Lake Park). Andover gets a pass because it is less white trash than all the others.
• The little Skateboard P's that roll up and down the sidewalk in front of my building-Guess what? You're gonna get some girl named Lacey knocked up in about two years and spend your days working at either SA or Wal-Mart. Enjoy keeping me up while you can, you little fuckers!
• Hot Pockets-I finally hate them after over a year of living on my own.

Self High Five!

First off, I would love to congratulate myself on 400 posts. I have left all the other blogs in the dust(Heavy Into Jeff, FutureRhythm, Ennui du Pantleg, Nate's blog that lasted two days, all five of Quades blogs) and I alone am still here. I feel like the Highlander.

Now I'm gonna play doctor and declare the Twins legally dead. It was the shit that Santana struck out 17 the other day, but the Twinks could only manage one fucking run to support him. They had to bring in Nathan to save it. If they would have managed one more fucking run, Santana may have tied Kerry Wood and the Rocket with 20Ks. This just isn't their year. If only they could get another power hitter, like Jeff Cirillo...

The Cuts!
"Men's Needs" The Cribs
"At This Moment" Billy Vera and The Beaters
"Sara" Starship
"Now That I Am Blind" Deathray
"You Are The Girl" The Cars

I Try Not To Think About What Might Have Been...

So Millas cabin was a great time once again. There was a lot of beer drank, a lot of brats and potatoes eaten, and a lot of tunes listened to. One highlight was when I drunkenly tried to describe Susanne Vega's song "Luka" to Nate. Guess what is on the radio right now for like the first time in, oh, 20 years? Yep, "Luka". I feel like a fucking pussy, but I actually don't mind that song.

The only downside was the horseshit weather. That allowed us to go to the "Dirt Mall" as we always do. Sadly, they took out all the good shit (video store, arcade) and replaced it with a Bath and Body Works and the shittiest Foot Locker ever. The plus was I got to see "Superbad" at a really crappy Mann Theatre in Baxter. Verdict: fucking hilarious. I laughed the entire movie. The characters are believable and the dialogue is perfect for the way that 18 year old guys talk.

Onto other things: I was getting on a roll on Wikipedia tonight, and I stumbled across the "results" of the 1994 World Series. Yeah, I know there wasn't one, but some guy simulated it and came up with the Expos winning in 6. While reading this, I got really sad. I mean, not sad like when McDonalds takes away the McRib sad, but "Whoa shit what am I gonna do now?"sad. There are only a few things that do that. Here they are off the top of my head:

• John Lennon's Death (I nearly cry every time I think about it, due to the "what might have been" factor. What could he still have done had that fuck not killed him?)
• The 1998 NFC Championship Game
• The 1994 Baseball Strike
• NBC Cancelling "The Black Donnely's"
• Adam Kennedy's homerun in the 2002 ALCS
• Owen Harts Death (I was a huge wrestling fan at the time, and I enjoyed his antics every week. Plus, he had a wife and kids)

The baseball strike still gets me physically sick thirteen years after the fact. I think that it is due to the fact that 1994 was following on the "years that end in 4 kick ass" theory. You had the OJ trial, the Rangers winning the Cup, Cowboys-Niners, World Cup '94, Super Metroid and MKII, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Tommy Boy, Seinfeld hitting it's peak, Green Day "Dookie", Pearl Jam "Vitalogy", "Interstate Love Song" Warren G and Nate Dogg Regulatin', OK Soda, the Bigfoot Pizza, That rockin burger McDonalds did for Batman and Robin and me delivering the Brooklyn Park Sun-Post every Wednesday. Wouldn't a kick ass series featuring Pedro Martinez facing Donnie Baseball just be icing on the cake?

I Got A Secret Up At Uncle Steve's Cabin

T-minus 15 hours til I cast off the workaday world and pack it in for Mista Millas cabin for a weekend of fun, sun, beer and rum. Yesssss! I love Millas cabin. Something good always happens up there, all the way from the crazy neighbor taking us on a magic pontoon ride at 3AM to Steve Louwerse killing many fish with water dynamite. One year I got so "into the cabin" that I rocked the fuck out to "Bad Medicine" with a lawn chair. Another time I led a conga line to disco Star Wars (I also think that was the time Cody shat himself and we had to hide the knives from people).

Hopefully, I will have a new job offer when I get home. I have been applying for sales positions for the last week, and I would like to start my career now. I really don't like working 77.5 hours every two weeks and taking home under 600 bucks. Honestly, I'd do pretty much anything right now that paid around 15 an hour. I like Starbucks as a company, but its really freaking hard to live on my wage.

THE CUTS!(MILLAS CABIN G.O.A.T. EDITION!)
"Macho City"-Steve Miller Band
"Still Fly"-Big Tymers
"Bad Medicine"-Bon Jovi
"Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band"-Meco
"I'm A Believer"-Neil Diamond
"Alone Again(Naturally)"-Gilbert O'Sullivan
"Wigwam Bam"-The Sweet
Anything by Uriah Heap

Chicago Day 3

So, day three was a winner. I saw Pearl Jam, who kicked a lot of ass. Note, they weren't revolutionary. But they did kick ass, and they did appease me by playing "Crazy Mary." Kings of Leon got the biggest response from the audience when they pulled Vedder onstage for their finale. I have never seen so many people calling their friends to tell them what they just saw.
My Morning Jacket was rockin like a southern fried Dokken, and they brought out the Chicago Youth Symphony to add some to their show. !!! was possibly the worst band in the history of the fucking world, and actually introed a song with "This is a big song in Spain." Who gives a fuck?

On the way home, some fat whiny Canuck bitch in a Roots hoodie cried about her drunk BF and how she needed to get him home. When I told her where the train stop was, she got lippy and said that I better not be "shittin" her. I have never wanted to hit someone so bad in my life. The only plus was some brah used the curse "Jesus fuck" which is my personal favorite curse. I had to give him the rock for that one. Oh, and we ended up riding the train with the feudin Canucks. The dumpy broad cried the whole way home. And Jeff sang that country song that the dude from "The Real World" sang. Ich liebe drunken train rides!

Later on, the Rosemount McDonalds wouldn't allow us to order off the dollar menu after midnight, so we went to 7-Eleven. I have dined at this McDonalds about five times, and not once have I got a competent order taker.

Chicago Day 2

So back again. We left off with our heroes napping. We all slept until 8am (except for Christian, who walked around the city at 1am) and woke to enjoy some pastry. Then, we headed off to the train station.

On the Blue Line there was this obese man with a Walgreens shirt and a Jesus Loves Me key chain thingy. He started screaming that he was diabetic and that he needed a seat because he got dizzy. I was kind of hoping someone would pull a Danny DeVito and throw shithead from the train. Alas, the jerkoff rode for two or three stops, then started screaming, then finally got off. Never saw him again.

After about an hour we got to the festival and watched the Fratellis. They rocked shit really hard, and seemed to actually be a better live band than on CD (and personally, I think the CD "Costello Music" kicks ass). Next was Ted Leo, who played a set full of pumped up anthems like "Me and Mia" and "Where Have All The Rudeboys Gone?" What really surprised me is how tight all the bands were. It was like listening to a CD in most cases.

There was a break between bands, so we went to a bar called the Exchequer that the Crew visits every time they are in Chicago. Some kick ass jams were picked on the jukebox, with the exception of "Got To Get You Into My Life" by Earth, Wind and Fire. The Exchequer has fantastic food, and I had a Feta burger. I guess the pizza is Roger Ebert's favorite in Chicago. All the beer and Greek burger was washed down with a Pina Coloda Slurpee from 7-Eleven.

The next band we saw was The Black Keys. Holy hot shit, could these cats play! Jeff said that seeing the lead singer play guitar was the closest to ever seeing Jimi he's gonna get, and I think he was right. Only owning one Black Keys album didn't hamper my enjoyment at all. All I can say is ROCK!

I wanted Giordano's, so it was time to go home. Friday kind of sucked for the amount of bands that played, but Saturday and Sunday looked much more promising. Would they be? And how much pizza exactly would I eat? Stay tuned!

The Bridge Is Over/Chicago Day One

First off, I will address the 35W bridge collapse. Horrible, and really really scary. I have only felt worse seeing something play out live on TV one other time in my life, and that was 9/11. The fact that I drove over that bridge on a regular basis for two years, and that I was on it the day before scares the shit out of me. That's pretty much all I can say that hasn't been said, along with sending out my condolences to those families who lost someone.

Onto something happier (horseshit transition, but bear with me). I made my annual pilgrimage to Chicago for Lollapalooza on Thursday. The crew was a bit deeper this year, with Jeff, Milla and Christian forming the Minnesota Wrecking Crew along with myself, Big Jake Studd. Chicago is my favorite city, due to the melange of food, passion for sports and abundance of cockbrooms on fat assed Pollacks. Anyways, I started my ride off at the local SA like I always do(Milla pronounced it saw, trying to be cool but coming up a little short). After the usual stop in Madison for Rocky Ro's Pizza Theatre(they were running a special called "Meatallica" in August) we headed on into the Des Plaines Hilton.

The Des Plaines Hilton is located near a Hooters, a Target, a MacDons, a 7-Eleven and a Giordanos. Pretty much all I need in life. We had a little time to kill, so we stopped off at Hoots for some Miller Lites. Mind you, this is the same Hooters that housed the preggo waitress last year. Not much better in 2007. Our Hooters girl had all the personality of Albert Belle and was, to put it politely, a plain Jane. At least the fried pickles were divine, along with the massive amounts of man talk(how smokingly hot Rachel Nichols of ESPN is, the Purps chances this year, and how much of a bitch Favre is).

Next stop was the Touhy Liq(which is right next to a daycare and a police station. Now you know why I love the Chi!) for Old Styles. The nice Polish dude working there gave us a "deal" on a couple of 30 bangers of Styles. I say "deal" because they were old and kept in a back room somewhere. Oh well, still good in that Old Style way.

The rest of the night consisted of the Minnesota Wrecking Crew drinking Styles and listening to a station called LOVE 100, which played old school soul and disco jams nonstop. Shit like Hall and Oates bumped uglies with MC Hammer and The Miracles. Then we all passed out around 8PM. No biggie, seeing how the fest began in earnest the next morning.