Sunday, December 30, 2007

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

Big Big Ups to Geoff Hill, who is at a Quietdrive VIP party. Jeff, when you're lost and you look you will find me, time after time...

The Pats went 16-0! That number looks fucking fake, because I have never seen it before. If all the sudden you told me that j**(8 was the next number after 5, I would have to believe you, because 16-0 is so fucking unreal.

So tonight I DJed my first wedding. It was the freaking time of my life. I mean, I'm not saying I am going to do this for a career (it helps when you know the bride and groom) but it was fantastic. And I learned a few things from the evening:

  • Women LOVE country. I mean, any fucking country music will do. I played "Hey Ya" and it gots no love. But throw on "Forever and Ever Amen" and watch the circle dancing commence.
  • The three biggest dance floor fillers of all time are 70s RnB, 80s Hair Metal, and 90s Gangsta Rap. I had one guy yell "Winger" at me for two hours before I could play "Miles Away" and another guy tell me to "play the gangsta shit" before I could bump "Nuttin But A 'G' Thang". Oh, and people go ape shit for MJ and Marvin still to this day.
  • Justin Timberlake got 50 people on the dance floor. But so did Prince. Uh-oh.
  • Finally, I want my first dance to be "When I Fall In Love With You It Will Be Forever" by Stevie Wonder if I ever get marriaged.

All in all, Josh and Holly had a wonderful reception. The food was top notch(steak with butter? brownie sundae instead of cake? Amazing!) and the drinks were stiff yet overpriced. A group of people did introduce me to the "Purple Rain" which is a Long Island Iced Tea with the Coke replaced with pomegranate liqueur. Excellent.

Oh, and the guy at the Kwik Trip topped my night perfectly when he asked if I just got off of work. I told him, no, I just got back from DJing a wedding. His stoner response was, "Ahhhh, did you get laid?" When I told him no, he just said, "Shiiiiiiiit."

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Say Something Once, Why Say It Again?

Ahhh, the holiday season. The time of year for avoiding family and for wondering who has a perfectly stereotypical "family Christmas." Personally, I hate family Christmas. Mind you, this is not with my immediate family, who I actually like, but with my extended family, who I would rather not see.

Nine times out of ten, I get asked if I'm still in school, how "the job" is going, and if I have a girlfriend. I like to think of it as a trifecta of questions I don't give a fucking shit about answering. Sometimes, just for shits, one of my uncles will throw in the "still drivin' the Ford?" question, which this year I think I am going to answer with, "Actually I'm not. I actually upgraded to the Lambo. But I do drive the Ford on weekdays sometimes, to save gas. Fuck the goddamn Republicans for causing gas prices to rise, and also for the goddamn-baby Jesus-abortion-gun control-war in Iraq." All those hot button buzz words will certainly get me kicked out of the house, at which point I can enjoy playing my little brothers video games until Santa comes the next morning.

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot to mention my other favorite part of Christmas...the awkward conversation between your nearly same aged cousins and yourself. I have at least four cousins who have some serious legal troubles, and you gotta kind of pussyfoot around those bad boys at the dinner table. I mean, you KNOW how they are doing, so you don't have to ask the trifecta, but you are forced to. It would be rude as hell if you were to ask Cousin Jimmy how his stint in County was after that DWI. Plus, with my fam, the cousins are fond of saying random racist shit about blacks and Arabs for some reason, so you kind of have to avoid any topic that may involve one of those groups of people(such as the NBA or Aladdin). I was trapped into a racist rant once by the "still drivin' the Ford?" question, which led to a discussion on gas prices going up, which lead to my cousin Andy saying two different racial slurs about Arabs AND also referring to them as "Iranis." Ah, horrible's wishing y'all a happy Christmas!

Oh, and in honor of the holiday, here's a little light reading about the man who should replace Santa:

Talk about badass.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

She Acts Just Like A Nurse With All The Other Guys

I turned 25 in the ER of North Memorial in Robbinsdale. Happy fucking birthday.

For those who don't know, I woke up at 3:15 on Tuesday with a horrible pain in my head. By horrible, I mean it felt like someone hit me with a book. Plus, my left eye was red and the left side of my head went completely numb. So, logically, I thought I was having some sort of aneurysm or hemorrhage. My mom came and picked me up, and thank God, the worst fears were not realized. This was accomplished by sticking six inch needles in my spine four seperate times and stuffing me into an MRI for 45 minutes.

After all this fun, I got to spend the next three days in the hell that is a hospital.

Turns out, the spinal tap caused spinal fluid to leak into my back and head. What started out as a pain in the head spread from my lower back all the way back up into my head. So basically, I got way fucking worse before I got better. I ate shitty hospital food. I slept, a lot. I got morphine. I watched the Mitchell Report. I puked, a lot. I read a People magazine. I got absolutely no sympathy from one of my bosses, and total sympathy from the other one. Oh, and I didn't shower for 5 days.

The only positives that came out of my experience was that I had a few good looking nurses, and I did some thinking about my life. Overall, the doctors didn't totally figure out what was wrong with me (something about a "cluster headache" coupled with sleep apnea with a liberal dash of stress)and I'm going to be out thousands of dollars due to no insurance for the time being(it kicks in in about two weeks). Hands down, it was the worst week of my life.

Due to how shitty this all was for me, the Vikings better win the fucking Super Bowl...

Monday, December 10, 2007

It's Bone and Biggie, Biggie

I feel like such an old man. All I have in my wardrobe right now are athletic team shirts and work clothes. I feel like such a tool. A big old, 25 year old tool.

But why pass up sports themed shirts when they are so beautiful? I bought a Kevin Garnett Celtics shirt and a King James Cavs shirt for a total of 30 bucks. Not too bad. Then I bought some soda at Target. At Target, I almost hit two old fake high class broads with my cart. They continued to just stand there, oblivious, talking about hoers d'oeuvres. I have never hated frosted blond hair more than in that moment. I really regret not going off on them.

THE PURP! 7-6! Too bad the freaking Saints feel the need to keep winning. Plus, I am still scarred of the 'Skins. Arizona can eat a bag of Hy-Vee roasted peanuts that Kurt Warner forgot to stock in 1997, and I think the rest of the NFC quit playing meaningful football two weeks ago.

I am kicking myself for not buying the new Ghostface disc Saturday. I mean, I know its gonna be good. I looked at the back of the CD and my heart broke. You CAN judge a CD by its back cover, and this one was a GOAT nominee. It consisted of Ghost in a Jason mask on a throne in a purple robe. So if anyone wants to get their favorite 25 year old Dom DeLouise lookalike a birthday present, make it "Big Doe Rehab."

Oh I almost forgot...I found this on OkayPlayer tonight under some British kids fave rappers..."yeah ive heard rakim and talib kweli - but john cena spits harder and truer than either of them two crusty old faggots."

The Cuts! (MidLife Crisis Version)
MidLife Crisis - Faith No More
Heart- Rockpile
Lost One- Jay-Z
Rebel Rebel - David Bowie
Go To Sleep - Radiohead

Monday, December 03, 2007

Tonight I'm Gonna Break Away, Just You Wait And See

Go Vikings! I can't even believe how super amped I am about the Vikes being 6-6. I predicted a 5-11 season, so any wins from this point on are just feel good times, man! This is like dating the cute innocent girl over the freaky skank and then finding out that the cute innocent girl likes all sorts of deviancy that the freaky skank couldn't fathom. Its also a bit like getting a box of records from Grandma (figuring its gonna be a bunch of Glenn Campbell and Chipmunks 45) but then pulling out the first Beatles and Stones albums. Yep, the 2007 Vikings are a lot like the scene in Friday where Craig finds the Cap'n Crunch and goes "Yeeh".

Of course, if the Purp made the Super Bowl, they would be beat by the Pats 94-3. But it may be worth it. This is like my anti-1998, no expectations, no alarms and no surprises.

Also, I really don't care if the Twins trade Santana. Fuck, I love Santana almost as much as Chico loves CARLOS Santana, but if we could get someone like Elsbury or Phillip Hughes to build around. I mean, we have Morneau, Mauer, Delmon Young, Cuddy. That's a pretty bad ass lineup.

The Cuts
"Sunshine Superman" Donovan (Shit, anything by this hippie weirdo)
"Black Mirror" Arcade Fire
"Lookin Out The Front Door" Main Source
"The Girl Is Mine" Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney(Because I'm way lame)
"Speeed King" These Animal Men
"I Want To See The Bright Lights Tonight" Richard/Linda Thompson

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

You Always Bang The Whole Gang

Ah, here it is...winter. I fucking hate winter. Winter is like the 1998 NFC Championship Game coupled with the KG Trade with a sprinkling of rough gay sex thrown on top. Meaning I don't really care to experience it. The worst part about this winter is it feels really really hollow. I personally feel like I can't get excited about anything. Thanksgiving was kind The food was good, but something felt odd. Even music seems boring right now. Maybe it is the routine of an 8 to 6 job that is sucking my will to live, or maybe its this sore throat that I have had for two weeks. It all kind of reminds me of an Atari Jaguar commercial from back in the day. The commercial showed Jag games followed by a film of two monkeys fucking with the tagline "Atari Jaguar...Nothing Seems Fun Anymore".

Done with that. I want to go see I Am Legend because Will Smith doesn't disappoint. Also, I want to eat McDonalds breakfast tomorrow morning, so I am going to go to bed soon. And I will try to update more. Sorry about the lacklusterness.

Oh, and buy Brian Eno's album "Here Come The Warm Jets"

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

1987 NFC Divisional Playoff

I know we suck ass this year, so here's a little old school love. I remember this pretty well for only being five...thing is, the Niners had two of the best QBs OF ALL TIME playing for them, and a pretty average Vikings team still won. Ah, Reggie Rutland. I think he changed his name to Az Hakim or something later on when he converted.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Once, When I Was Little Someone Pointed Out To Me The Constellations But The Big Dipper's All I Could See

Whilst I was driving home from a rousing night of pub trivia this evening, I reminisced. Not because I was downtown MPLS or because I was night driving, but because of what was on my Focus CD player. I had the Built To Spill album "There Is Nothing Wrong With Love" on, and I thought about standing on a street corner in front of a Walgreen's that doesn't exist anymore waiting for a bus.

Then I got to thinking about the song "Start Choppin" by Dinosuar Jr(mainly because it sounds kinda like a Built To Spill song) and how I once drove to school absolutely fucking hung over after an Old Chicago night. Then I went and ate a pita and skipped class.

The point of this story is that I have very trivial memories to songs and music that I absolutely love, or very weird memories to songs I don't give a shit about. I don't remember the first time I ever heard "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (mainly I remember my Uncle Danny talking about it at my grandparents cabin during the winter of 1992) or Pearl Jam (I think I saw the "Jeremy" video on MTV) but I remember that one time I got it on while "Whats Ya Flava?" by Craig David was playing. Then again, maybe the moment makes the song. Who knows, I may not have as deep a connection with Built To Spill if it wasn't playing while I was experiencing my first semester at the U.

Oh, and Adrian Peterson, your magic is real and I believe in you...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Saw A Mobile Light Lookin For A Moonbeam

Last night, David Lee Roth was 20 feet from my person. It was the best night of my life. Van Halen fucking KILLED. Afterward, my friend said, "well, this is why kids like music from back in the day. Because it kick ass." Sure, DLR missed a few notes, but for not having preformed the anthems for almost 25 years he was "On Fire." Coincidentally, they played most of Van Halen 1(which is one of the top ten best albums-ever) and even busted out a personal fave("Everybody Wants Some!). Wolfie wasn't even that bad, although seeing the Secret Weapon would have made me spontaneously combust. Now, if only we could get the Beatles and Led Zeppelin to re-unite and come to MPLS...

PS-For a man whos diet from 1976-1987 consisted of Jack Daniels and mountains, literally mountains of cocaine, DLR looked fucking amazing. Along with Eddie. Oh, and I could give a shit about Alex sometimes. But still, I fucking saw Van Halen play with David Lee Roth. I saw "Dance The Night Away..."played 20 feet in front of me. I saw DLR wave big chains during the fight anthem "Unchained." Its like a dream.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Keep On With The Force Don't Stop

Good Evening, Sports Fans. Earlier this evening, I brought myself into a debate. The question is this: Which is a more kid-centric beverage, Hawaiian Punch or 2% Milk? I said 2%, because it seems(to me) more kiddy. But, on the other hand, I am the only nearly 25 year old man I know who feels the need to drink a quart of Punchy's favorite beverage a week.

25-I'm already middle aged

In other local news, I finally got my turntable working-for one album. Now, instead of the left channel playing, its the right. I feel like I'm listening to KDWB in 1980 because everything is in Mono. Unlike 63 KDWB, I hate the song "You Light Up My Life." Much like old school KDWB, I do enjoy "Sad Eyes" by Robert John and "Sentimental Lady" by Bob Welch.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Hey, Here It Comes, That Funny Feeling Again. Windin' Me Up Inside Every Time We Touch

I'm way too tired to deliver any interesting thoughts right now. Looks like my Red Sox pick was almost as good as my Cubs pick. Sadly, most of America doesn't want to watch a Indians-Rockies World Series. Well, I for one do. It's going to be fantastic. Both teams have good pitching, great offenses and the Rockies may be the best defensive team I have ever seen. It's going to be tremenjous, much like Carrie Underwood's bosom.

On a high note, the Angels did indeed score under five runs in their series with the Sox. See, I am Nostradamus.

The Cuts!(November Needs To Spawn A Monster Version)
Hang Me Up To Dry- Cold War Kids
Discovering Japan- Graham Parker
Why Can't This Be Love? - Van Hagar
I'm A Terrible Person - Rooney
That Daughtry song that continuously plays in the warehouse at work (I don't even know any words, just that it is that guy)

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I'm On Firah!

Yesterday was really kick ass. I thoroughly enjoy this weekend off thing, especially when it involves shopping for records and random shit all day because you have a bit of money. Here were my finds:

Dwight Twilley Band- "Sincerely". One of my favorite sub-genres of music is power pop, and this album is pretty much perfect power pop. They kind of sound like the Raspberries with more of a rhythm section. Too bad the CD costs like 30 bucks online

New Order- "Power, Corruption and Lies". Have this on CD. It will go nicely with my "Blue Monday" 12" from the original pressing.

Black Keys- "The Big Come Up"
Lifter Puller- "Fiestas and Fiascos" Craig Finn's (Hold Steady) first bands last CD. Really rare.
Tom Petty- "Wildflowers"
Old 97s- "Fight Songs"
Mark Lanegan Band- "Here Comes That Weird Chill"
Black Sheep- "A Sheep In Wolves Clothing"

A Jim Kleinsasser jersey for 2 bucks
A pair of pants for 6 bucks

All in all, a pretty grand old day. Plus, I went to Mayslacks and had a nice roast beef and a few Seven/Sevens. And Hookers and Blow played. Plus, I found out I'm going to VAN HALEN on the 24th. Good day indeed!

Monday, October 08, 2007

I'm Takin' What They Givin'

Sorry about that Cubbies pick. I guess as a Minnesotan, I just instinctively root for teams that will break my heart and leave me wanting.

I started my new job today. It was...draining. It sucks going into a job and not knowing much about it at all right off the bat. Plus, the company had to ship out a huge amount of orders today. I felt like I was in everyone's way. But, by the end of the day, I was kind of getting the hang of things(at least I think).

Not much else. I'm digging my new house, except the sink backs up when you run the dishwasher. Oh well, pobody's nerfect (yes, that was a Simpsons reference).

The Cuts(Drunken Sing-A-Long Edition)
Don't Stop Believin'-Journey
Whatever Song Christian Did The Ric Flair Strut To
Heaven Is A Place On Earth-Belinda Carlisle
Hard Luck Woman-KISS

Thursday, October 04, 2007

And Look At Him Go And Look At Him Go...He Could...Go...All...THE...WAY!

Laaacck, Cub, Laaaack. Anyways, I have been really preoccupied with my move from hilljack Methlehem to Ramsey County(New Brighton, to be exact). I also put in 46 hours at the 'Bucks last week. But I'm coming back strong just like LL in '91.

I enjoyed my first evening off in some time that was not dominated by moving by purchasing a Dubby Chubby and a McChicken and watching a shit load of playoff baseball. The Cubs and the Angels looked like shit, and the Phils didn't show much fight. Here are my semi-annual picks for the 2007 postseason:

Rockies over Phillies in 4
The Phillies are who we thought they were! Oh, yeah. A bigger albatross hangs around the Fightin's neck because, unlike the Cubbies, the Phillies are cursed AND it is all because their fans are a bunch of Guido-lite pieces of shit. Plus, the Rockies are riding such a natural high right now that there is no way in hell they lose three of the next four.

Cubs over D-Backs in 5
I like Sweet Lou. Plus, the Backs are a bit young (but super talented). Funny Jake playoff related story: When Eric Byrnes was playing for the A's, I went to a game with Mr.Brandon Quade. We had seats about five rows up in left field, and I said to Brandon, "hey, what if I whipped a penny at Byrnes?" On cue, Byrnsie turned around and looked at me. Then, to top off the creepy vibe, HE DID IT AGAIN! Still, my interaction with the best player on the Backs will not let them take my NL squad.

Indians over Yankees in 4
My grandpa is 72 years old, and I think he's the fourth starter for the Yanks. Unless A-Rod blows up and hits .700 or something, I don't see the geriatric Yankees taking out the studs in the Indians lineup. Plus, Sabathia and Carmona make this a 2-0 series right off the bat.

Red Sox over Angels in 3
The Sox own the Angels. Period. Seeing Papi go yard tonight brought back memories of 2004. Shit, I'd be shocked if the Angels score five total runs in this series. Talk about bad luck-your two best players(not to mention Matthews Jr) suffer from injuries and one of those is PINK EYE? You aren't winning a playoff series.

Red Sox over Indians in 6

Cubs over Rockies in 7

World Series
Red Sox over Cubs in 5

I really feel this Red Sox team. I don't know why. Maybe its because this is the World Series we got fucked out of in 2003 and were subjected to the Marlins-Yankees snorefest. I don't know. I just really have a gut feeling about this one...

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Stop Tellin' The Rumours, Stop Tellin' The Lies

Wow. Tonight at work, one of my fellow baristas told me that Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong were lovers. I thought that it was one of those rumours that only Starbucks partners like to tell (like that it was a known fact that the first mom on the Fresh Prince got fired for heroin abuse). So I went to my own gay lover (Wikipedia) and checked it out. I guess that Ol' Lance and Wooderson really DID have a gay love affair. Matty said that they tried it and it wasn't for them in an issue of Details magazine last year.

I wonder how many weird things that you thought were never true actually were. Like, for example, my dad told me that the big rumor when he was a kid was that Gomer Pyle and Rock Hudson or Darrin from Bewitched were lovers. Well, I think that they all came out later in life. My favorite rumor as a kid was the one where Zach Morris and Stephanie Tanner died in a car crash together. I guess it wasn't them who died, only their careers.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I Was Looking For A Job And Then I Found A Job

As of October 8th, 2007, I will no longer working for Starbucks Coffee Company. I was offered a job with the Wand Corporation in Eden Prairie as an operations coordinator for POS screen installation. I took it, as how it pays much better than the Bucks and I also will have weekends off.

It's been a good run, but its time to pack up the kids and move on.

Monday, September 17, 2007

It's Cold Gin Time Again

Has there ever been a cooler sports mascot than Mr.Met? Just a dude in a Mets uniform with a ginormous baseball head. And he always looks so happy...every time I see Mr. Met, I get all giddy like I did when I was six and got the complete set of Tiger Force G.I Joes from Grandma Weber.

I went to the monthly record show today where I obtained Kiss "Alive" and Magazine's "The Proper Use Of Soap" on LP and "Boogie Nights" on DVD. Record shows are about the most fun you can have outside of intercourse, and not because of the records. The people watching at record shows is unparalleled. For one, I have never seen a woman outside of the vendors(and that total is maybe two or three). Second, every dude looks kind of like that dude in the Dave Matthews Band video who goes around hugging everybody. And third, everyone acts like they are the absolute be-all and end-all for having kick ass records. Yeah, I'm going to give you three bucks for Hall and Oates "Rock and Soul".

The best part is the conversations that you are bound to overhear. The conversations usually consists of grease balls talking about their favorite obscure 60s garage bassist or how cool a UK pressing of some bizarre Frank Zappa album is. Sometimes, the conversation is about other vendors. I heard one about some vendor named Tom today. From my one minute of eavesdropping, I learned that Tom:
  1. Was fucking cheap
  2. Had been collecting since 1960
  3. Does not let other vendors in on his vast knowledge of Elvis, even when asked

Therefore, I will never buy Elvis records from a guy named Tom. Oh, and I'm pissed at myself for not picking up "Sandanista!" by The Clash for five bucks.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Well, It's You And Me In The Summertime, Holding Hands Down In The Park

Today was a boring day off. I cleaned my apartment, read "Killing Yourself To Live" for the 3rd time, went to work for 45 minutes to do some coffee seminar prep, and I ate Hardees. Pretty sure that Hardees was the highlight. Has anything come from so far down as Hardees to be the best in its field? You all remember going to Hardees, ordering something like the fried chicken, and being ignored or spit on or sworn at. It's nothing like that now, nothing like that at all. It's like the period between 1990 and 2005 didn't happen. Hardees comeback is like if the Arizona Cardinals were to win the next five Super Bowls or if Britney Spears released her next album, and somehow, it was better than anything the Beatles had ever done.

I mean, Hardees fucking kills it EVERY TIME! You go for breakfast, you get some of the best biscuits and gravy known to man. When the B'n'G is killer, you really don't need much else. But then you eat some of the burgers (the mushroom and Swiss is amazing) and you realize that you're actually getting a better meal then you would at any sitdown out there. Throw some seriously bad ass fries and you really can't eat better for under 5 bucks.

The Cuts! (MonsterBurger Edition)
"I Feel Like A Bullet In The Gun Of Robert Ford"- Sir Elton
"Summertime"-The Sundays
"Kate"-Ben Folds Five
"Looking For Today"-Black Sabbath
"Running Up That Hill"-Kate Bush

Sunday, September 09, 2007

It's Britney, Bitch

Today was a good day. Got to see the Purp beat the shit out of ATL(formerly Team Bad Newz Kennels) 24-3. THE DEFENSE WENT OFF!! It was also very nice to heckle Joey Harrington, along with everyone in my section. Oh, and Adrian Peterson is a friggin stud.

MTV VMAs were also tonight. Didn't watch the whole thing(its not 1995 anymore and "Peaches" by the Presidents of the United States of America wasn't nominated for the Video Vanguard award) but I saw the Britney Spears performance. Here's my thoughts:

Chick straight up sucks at singing AND dancing now. She's entered that rareified air of "women that I legitimately think I could fuck if they and I were drunk enough." I mean, she has baggage, she kind of looks like the REAL slutty sorority sister who the others make fun of, and her special place looks like steak tartare. If I saw her at, say, TGI Friday's on Electric Lemonade night and maybe bought her some motzies...there's a good chance I'm taking her back to Springbrook for 45 seconds of pleasure.

Also, Jamie Foxx was drunk and Kid Rock decked King Of All Brahs Tommy Lee. I think this was like when my uncle punched my aunt at Thanksgiving. I was kind of shocked due to the setting, but we all saw it coming. Oh, and Sarah Silverman is funny and hot. Too bad none of the Hollywood Freaks could laugh at her comedy.

Final note: during the Cowboys-Giants game tonight, Jared Lorenzen came in at QB. I loved it! A 300-lb quaterback! It was like watching the Big Boy statue take snaps. Boy has a cannon for an arm.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

True Romance In Joy Opposites

Why did McDonalds pick the Cha Cha Slide for a commercial promoting their Happy Meals? And, it's a minute long! Couldn't they have picked something a little more current-like "This Is Why I'm Hot?"

Sign #1000 that I feel old-I have never heard the #1 song on the Billboard charts. Its some song called "Crank That(Soulja Boy)" by a guy named Soulja Boy. There sure is a lot of Souljas, Lils and Shawtys on radio today. I think I am going to totally give up on radio. I mean, I haven't been a regular listener for years, but except for KOOL 108, they're all done, son.

I'm moving to a townhouse off of County Road E and Silver Lake Road at the end of the month. The word finally came down today, so its all over for Springbrook. Thank god. I hate having no air and ending up being covered in sweat at night. Its really icky, like evolution.

Oh, and I'm re-reading "Kitchen Confidential" by Anthony Bourdain. I found it at my parents while doing laundry, and I am sodamnexcited to be hearing tales of the seedy underworld of cooking again. The only pain in the ass is that reading the book makes me hungry, real hungry.

Anyone know of a place that serves some kickass waffle fries? I enjoy Granite City and Champps, but there's got to be some place out there that out does those two. Oh, and seasoned sour cream is a necessity.

To Peter- Have you purchased any "import" CDs yet? Also, have you eaten any of those crazy egg pizza things that they fry in front of you and cover in mayo? Those look delicious!

I'm Higher Than A Kite, I Know I'm Gettin Hooked On Your Love

NFL Season starts today! Although, there is something slightly unwholesome about starting the NFL season on a Thursday. It seems to me that Thursday has become the new Friday. I remember when I actually went out to the bars on Thursday (the old school Old Chicago days...God, what fun. I'm gonna have to post about those one day) they were almost as packed as Friday night. It always seemed a little like naughty fun to be out on a night when you weren't supposed to also. And the drink specials were cool. Maybe it actually makes perfect sense to start NFL 2K7 on Thursday after all.

In other NFL news, my fantasy team looks like pure shit. I have Donovan F. McNabb as my starting QB, and Kellen "I'm a soldier, a fucking soldier" Winslow Jr. as my TE. I think I have Earl Campbell or Marcus Allen as my running back, and Donald Igwebekie as my kicker. Looks like Ron Mexico's Fightin' Pups are gonna be a last place team.

Also, I have given up my dream of a lifetime of wedded bliss with Carrie Underwood for a lifetime of pining for Jenna Fischer. This ones gonna be tough, seeing how she's married and all, but a boy can dream, can't he?

Falling-Ben Kweller
This Is The One- Stone Roses
This Is For Real-Motion City Soundtrack
Walk Of Life-Dire Straits
No Myth-Michael Penn

Monday, September 03, 2007

Mr.Wendal, Looooord, Mr.Wendal

Has there ever been a group in music history more over hyped for one album than Arrested Development? Discuss.

So, the Labor Day weekend came and went (I have to go to work in about an hour). It was pretty good. Jeff, Christian and I were feeling good about our liquor run into Huddy yesterday, until we realized it was in Wisconsin. As most of you know, I would rather look at pics of Brittney Spearses vajayjay than set foot in cheeseland. So that sucked. And all the shit in Hudson advertised the Brewers and their football team. Whats the deal with that? Did someone not tell them they live 20 minutes from the Dome AND they are a suburb of Saint Paul? I guess all the years of inbreeding in Sconnie made those who live there a titch slow.

The movie "Enemy Of The State" is the shit.

The first "Batman" with Michael Keaton isn't.

The Cuts(Superfly Edition)
"Romeo and Juliet" Dire Straits
"Feel Your Love Tonight" Van Halen
"Shandi" KISS
"Freedom Of Choice" DEVO
"Baba O'Riley" either the OG by The Who or the Pearl Jam cover

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

You're A Heartbreaker


by Kiki Vandewege III
TJIFA staff reporter


Season 1.5 of Grand Moff Tarkin began tonight in a rousing fashion at the Fridley Ball Yards. The Tarkin beat up on Team Hardcore 14-5 in the first game and lost a heartbreaker to Brownberry in the second game, 27-19. The cause of the heartbreak was the shitty play of the incredibly attractive and intelligent 3rd baseman, Jake Eickholt. Although both gifted of glove and sexual ability on a normal night, Eickholt bobbled the third out of the inning on a routine ground ball. This lead to an eight run inning for the visitors.

Hot bats were wielded by catcher Shawn Almen and team captain (and US Olympic swimmer) Zach Eickholt. Manager-Shortstop Brandon Quade hit a 360 foot blast that just missed being the longest home run in Tarkin history. Also of note: First Baseman Jeff Hill was outstanding at the lead sack, making a run-saving catch of a Brownberry liner in the 5th inning. The Tarkin continue their season next week at the Fridley Ball Yards at 8 and 9 PM, Central Standard Time.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

We'll Play Jacks and UNO Cards

So I was hanging out with my gay lover Wikipedia tonight, and I looked up Topps(as in the producer of baseball cards). I started reminiscing like Little River Band about how absolutely nuts I was about sports cards in the late 80s and early 1990s, and about how popular cards were. I remember the People's Plus on Humboldt used to actually have packs of cards from the 70s and 80s that you could buy for more per pack(I think that 1980 Topps went for like $13 a pack). Even today, I will still buy a pack of cards at least once a year, just for old times sake.

I also was remembering how absolutely gay some of the cards were. One cards that sticks out was a card of Jeff Bagwell in a tux holding a baseball, with his mullet and acne in full effect. What the fuck is cool about Jeff Fucking Bagwell in a tux? The other one that sticks out is Nolan Ryan tossing a football in his Rangers uniform. I remember my boys going absolutely ape shit for that card, and I think a couple of them paid like ten bucks for it at a card show at Village North. Ah, yes Village North card shows, AKA pedophiles delight. So many little boys in one place at a time, with no parents to be found. Weren't the 90s cool?

Oh, and am I the only one who remembers People's Plus?

And on a totally unrelated note, I propose a new name for Anoka County... how about Methlehem?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Five O'Clock World

Well, the first post-college job interview/job fair have had came and went today. I didn't get the job (sales account exec at KOOL 108) and I knew I wasn't going to get the job going into it. It wasn't a lack of self confidence, I just didn't have the sales experience that it would take to sell advertising on a regular basis for a national company. The guy who interviewed me seemed impressed with my knowledge of ratings systems and such, though, so I guess that was a silver lining. But he did tell me to wear a suit next time. Oh well, like Alanis said, you live, you learn. But, I did get a KOOL 108 T-Shirt and a Cities 97 Coozy! This had to be the only job interview I have ever gotten swag at. I don't even think I got a free latte OFFERED to me when I interviewed at Starbucks.

I'm kind of half out of it due to a full work day and a job fair, so I watched some soccer on ESPN 2. For those who don't know, I'm a closet soccer fan. The funny thing is, I really don't know all that much about it. I just like to watch it, for some reason(and to scream at the Canada U-20 team on TV when I'm drunk...thanks Labatts 10.1%). Anyways, it was Chivas vs. LA, or some team with sweet striped shirts vs. Beckham. Just watching for 20 minutes, you could see how one would find Beckham electric. LA was losing 2-0, and he created the only two scoring chances for his team. He may be old, and injured, but it was kind of like watching Jordan with the Wizards. Even if you didn't follow basketball, you could tell that he was the most naturally gifted man on the court. That he read things differently. That's what I felt when I saw Beckham tonight.

The Cuts!
"Love Lies Bleeding" Elton John
"Timebomb" Beck(Possibly the dumbest song ever by Mister Hansen)
"Give The Drummer Some" Ultramagnetic MC's
"Ugly As I Seem" White Stripes
"Babe" Styx

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I've Been Waiting...Waiting For This Moment

This website totally justifies the stalker pics I took of the guy at Lolla in the Manute Bol jersey. Thank you, Jesus!

P.S.- Isn't the blogs name fucking wonderful?

These Are Of A Few Of My Favorite(and Least Favorite)Things

I haven't done one of these in a while. Here it goes:

  • Those Banana Pepper things you get with a pizza at Papa Johns. I've been putting them on everything for the last week
  • Scarlett Johannson's mouth. I'd like to put something in that for about a week. And it ain't a banana pepper
  • The cover of Rolling Stone with Guns N Roses on the cover. Coolest motherfuckers ever. They look like they would even kick Bon Scott's ass
  • The 80s teen flick Class. Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Alan Ruck(aka Cameron from Ferris Buller aka Brandon Quade), and...CUSACK! Really, who gives a fuck when you have the Mt.Olympus of pussy guys?
  • KISS In Attack Of The Phantoms- I don't think there could ever be something more retarded than this. I can't even begin to compare this movie to anything that exists. Its like if Corkey from Life Goes On wrote a movie about KISS, and then it was edited by Forrest Gump and I Am Sam. So basically, its fucking brilliant.
  • Mountain Dew Game Fuel. It's like so fucking good it will make you forget every other soda that has ever existed, except for OK Soda.
  • Hockey Fights on YouTube-Better than self-lovin'!
  • "Nightswimming" by REM-I forgot how absolutely perfect this song is.


  • That commercial for YAZ birth control. There is never a bigger turnoff than pieces of ass talking about their fucking period. Ever.
  • This one customer who waits outside work every day at 4:30AM-Why in the fuck would you wait at that time for a Mocha Frapp? Really, who other than a resident of Anoka County does shit like this?
  • Anoka County(and in particular order: Fridley, Coon Rapids, Blaine, Spring Lake Park). Andover gets a pass because it is less white trash than all the others.
  • The little Skateboard P's that roll up and down the sidewalk in front of my building-Guess what? You're gonna get some girl named Lacey knocked up in about two years and spend your days working at either SA or Wal-Mart. Enjoy keeping me up while you can, you little fuckers!
  • Hot Pockets-I finally hate them after over a year of living on my own.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Self High Five!

First off, I would love to congratulate myself on 400 posts. I have left all the other blogs in the dust(Heavy Into Jeff, FutureRhythm, Ennui du Pantleg, Nate's blog that lasted two days, all five of Quades blogs) and I alone am still here. I feel like the Highlander.

Now I'm gonna play doctor and declare the Twins legally dead. It was the shit that Santana struck out 17 the other day, but the Twinks could only manage one fucking run to support him. They had to bring in Nathan to save it. If they would have managed one more fucking run, Santana may have tied Kerry Wood and the Rocket with 20Ks. This just isn't their year. If only they could get another power hitter, like Jeff Cirillo...

The Cuts!
"Men's Needs" The Cribs
"At This Moment" Billy Vera and The Beaters
"Sara" Starship
"Now That I Am Blind" Deathray
"You Are The Girl" The Cars

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I Try Not To Think About What Might Have Been...

So Millas cabin was a great time once again. There was a lot of beer drank, a lot of brats and potatoes eaten, and a lot of tunes listened to. One highlight was when I drunkenly tried to describe Susanne Vega's song "Luka" to Nate. Guess what is on the radio right now for like the first time in, oh, 20 years? Yep, "Luka". I feel like a fucking pussy, but I actually don't mind that song.

The only downside was the horseshit weather. That allowed us to go to the "Dirt Mall" as we always do. Sadly, they took out all the good shit (video store, arcade) and replaced it with a Bath and Body Works and the shittiest Foot Locker ever. The plus was I got to see "Superbad" at a really crappy Mann Theatre in Baxter. Verdict: fucking hilarious. I laughed the entire movie. The characters are believable and the dialogue is perfect for the way that 18 year old guys talk.

Onto other things: I was getting on a roll on Wikipedia tonight, and I stumbled across the "results" of the 1994 World Series. Yeah, I know there wasn't one, but some guy simulated it and came up with the Expos winning in 6. While reading this, I got really sad. I mean, not sad like when McDonalds takes away the McRib sad, but "Whoa shit what am I gonna do now?"sad. There are only a few things that do that. Here they are off the top of my head:
  • John Lennon's Death (I nearly cry every time I think about it, due to the "what might have been" factor. What could he still have done had that fuck not killed him?)
  • The 1998 NFC Championship Game
  • The 1994 Baseball Strike
  • NBC Cancelling "The Black Donnely's"
  • Adam Kennedy's homerun in the 2002 ALCS
  • Owen Harts Death (I was a huge wrestling fan at the time, and I enjoyed his antics every week. Plus, he had a wife and kids)

The baseball strike still gets me physically sick thirteen years after the fact. I think that it is due to the fact that 1994 was following on the "years that end in 4 kick ass" theory. You had the OJ trial, the Rangers winning the Cup, Cowboys-Niners, World Cup '94, Super Metroid and MKII, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Tommy Boy, Seinfeld hitting it's peak, Green Day "Dookie", Pearl Jam "Vitalogy", "Interstate Love Song" Warren G and Nate Dogg Regulatin', OK Soda, the Bigfoot Pizza, That rockin burger McDonalds did for Batman and Robin and me delivering the Brooklyn Park Sun-Post every Wednesday. Wouldn't a kick ass series featuring Pedro Martinez facing Donnie Baseball just be icing on the cake?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I Got A Secret Up At Uncle Steve's Cabin

T-minus 15 hours til I cast off the workaday world and pack it in for Mista Millas cabin for a weekend of fun, sun, beer and rum. Yesssss! I love Millas cabin. Something good always happens up there, all the way from the crazy neighbor taking us on a magic pontoon ride at 3AM to Steve Louwerse killing many fish with water dynamite. One year I got so "into the cabin" that I rocked the fuck out to "Bad Medicine" with a lawn chair. Another time I led a conga line to disco Star Wars (I also think that was the time Cody shat himself and we had to hide the knives from people).

Hopefully, I will have a new job offer when I get home. I have been applying for sales positions for the last week, and I would like to start my career now. I really don't like working 77.5 hours every two weeks and taking home under 600 bucks. Honestly, I'd do pretty much anything right now that paid around 15 an hour. I like Starbucks as a company, but its really freaking hard to live on my wage.

"Macho City"-Steve Miller Band
"Still Fly"-Big Tymers
"Bad Medicine"-Bon Jovi
"Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band"-Meco
"I'm A Believer"-Neil Diamond
"Alone Again(Naturally)"-Gilbert O'Sullivan
"Wigwam Bam"-The Sweet
Anything by Uriah Heap

Chicago Day 3

So, day three was a winner. I saw Pearl Jam, who kicked a lot of ass. Note, they weren't revolutionary. But they did kick ass, and they did appease me by playing "Crazy Mary." Kings of Leon got the biggest response from the audience when they pulled Vedder onstage for their finale. I have never seen so many people calling their friends to tell them what they just saw.
My Morning Jacket was rockin like a southern fried Dokken, and they brought out the Chicago Youth Symphony to add some to their show. !!! was possibly the worst band in the history of the fucking world, and actually introed a song with "This is a big song in Spain." Who gives a fuck?

On the way home, some fat whiny Canuck bitch in a Roots hoodie cried about her drunk BF and how she needed to get him home. When I told her where the train stop was, she got lippy and said that I better not be "shittin" her. I have never wanted to hit someone so bad in my life. The only plus was some brah used the curse "Jesus fuck" which is my personal favorite curse. I had to give him the rock for that one. Oh, and we ended up riding the train with the feudin Canucks. The dumpy broad cried the whole way home. And Jeff sang that country song that the dude from "The Real World" sang. Ich liebe drunken train rides!

Later on, the Rosemount McDonalds wouldn't allow us to order off the dollar menu after midnight, so we went to 7-Eleven. I have dined at this McDonalds about five times, and not once have I got a competent order taker.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Chicago Day 2

So back again. We left off with our heroes napping. We all slept until 8am (except for Christian, who walked around the city at 1am) and woke to enjoy some pastry. Then, we headed off to the train station.

On the Blue Line there was this obese man with a Walgreens shirt and a Jesus Loves Me key chain thingy. He started screaming that he was diabetic and that he needed a seat because he got dizzy. I was kind of hoping someone would pull a Danny DeVito and throw shithead from the train. Alas, the jerkoff rode for two or three stops, then started screaming, then finally got off. Never saw him again.

After about an hour we got to the festival and watched the Fratellis. They rocked shit really hard, and seemed to actually be a better live band than on CD (and personally, I think the CD "Costello Music" kicks ass). Next was Ted Leo, who played a set full of pumped up anthems like "Me and Mia" and "Where Have All The Rudeboys Gone?" What really surprised me is how tight all the bands were. It was like listening to a CD in most cases.

There was a break between bands, so we went to a bar called the Exchequer that the Crew visits every time they are in Chicago. Some kick ass jams were picked on the jukebox, with the exception of "Got To Get You Into My Life" by Earth, Wind and Fire. The Exchequer has fantastic food, and I had a Feta burger. I guess the pizza is Roger Ebert's favorite in Chicago. All the beer and Greek burger was washed down with a Pina Coloda Slurpee from 7-Eleven.

The next band we saw was The Black Keys. Holy hot shit, could these cats play! Jeff said that seeing the lead singer play guitar was the closest to ever seeing Jimi he's gonna get, and I think he was right. Only owning one Black Keys album didn't hamper my enjoyment at all. All I can say is ROCK!

I wanted Giordano's, so it was time to go home. Friday kind of sucked for the amount of bands that played, but Saturday and Sunday looked much more promising. Would they be? And how much pizza exactly would I eat? Stay tuned!

Monday, August 06, 2007

The Bridge Is Over/Chicago Day One

First off, I will address the 35W bridge collapse. Horrible, and really really scary. I have only felt worse seeing something play out live on TV one other time in my life, and that was 9/11. The fact that I drove over that bridge on a regular basis for two years, and that I was on it the day before scares the shit out of me. That's pretty much all I can say that hasn't been said, along with sending out my condolences to those families who lost someone.

Onto something happier (horseshit transition, but bear with me). I made my annual pilgrimage to Chicago for Lollapalooza on Thursday. The crew was a bit deeper this year, with Jeff, Milla and Christian forming the Minnesota Wrecking Crew along with myself, Big Jake Studd. Chicago is my favorite city, due to the melange of food, passion for sports and abundance of cockbrooms on fat assed Pollacks. Anyways, I started my ride off at the local SA like I always do(Milla pronounced it saw, trying to be cool but coming up a little short). After the usual stop in Madison for Rocky Ro's Pizza Theatre(they were running a special called "Meatallica" in August) we headed on into the Des Plaines Hilton.

The Des Plaines Hilton is located near a Hooters, a Target, a MacDons, a 7-Eleven and a Giordanos. Pretty much all I need in life. We had a little time to kill, so we stopped off at Hoots for some Miller Lites. Mind you, this is the same Hooters that housed the preggo waitress last year. Not much better in 2007. Our Hooters girl had all the personality of Albert Belle and was, to put it politely, a plain Jane. At least the fried pickles were divine, along with the massive amounts of man talk(how smokingly hot Rachel Nichols of ESPN is, the Purps chances this year, and how much of a bitch Favre is).

Next stop was the Touhy Liq(which is right next to a daycare and a police station. Now you know why I love the Chi!) for Old Styles. The nice Polish dude working there gave us a "deal" on a couple of 30 bangers of Styles. I say "deal" because they were old and kept in a back room somewhere. Oh well, still good in that Old Style way.

The rest of the night consisted of the Minnesota Wrecking Crew drinking Styles and listening to a station called LOVE 100, which played old school soul and disco jams nonstop. Shit like Hall and Oates bumped uglies with MC Hammer and The Miracles. Then we all passed out around 8PM. No biggie, seeing how the fest began in earnest the next morning.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Hate I Hate My 30s

Holy shit VH1s "I Hate My 30s" is terrible. I sat down thinking I'd be at least slightly amused, but within the first five minutes I decided that Heath Ledger going Brokeback on me would be more appealing(not to mention funnier). The show has absolutely nothing redeeming going on for it, one of the characters looks like my Aunt Jenny(who has had six kids)and is supposed to be a sex symbol, and one of the characters is trying to rip off Booger from "Revenge Of The Nerds." I honestly can say I thought "Schlinder's List" was funnier, and that was the most sober movie of all time. Oh, and they close the show with a PSA with an animated fox telling them not to drunk dial if they are married. Bombs over Baghdad!

The Cuts!
Love Plus One-Haircut 100
Uncertain Smile-The The
A New England-Billy Bragg
Banquet-Bloc Party
Gimme Some Water-Eddie Money

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Scandal-The Warrior(Or Maybe the Warriors?)

Mr.Benesh asked for it, and here it goes: I always knew that the NBA was not, per se, fixed, but that something fishy was going on. It's not even a gambling thing. The way it works is that big name players have always gotten ridiculous calls. I am not exactly sure why this happens(my theory is that the NBA kind of nudges the refs to let the KGs, AIs and Lebrons of the sport score more). What I am sure of is that this happens in all pro sports, and it has gone on forever. Greg Maddox's strike zone was always wider than Frankie Rodriguez's, and Gretzky basically changed the way a NHL game was played and called (he was the littlest guy out there, and basically off limits). So all sports leagues are flawed, but a ref actually calling T's to get one team to shoot more fouls to cover the spread (like supposedly happened in the Knicks-Heat game earlier this year) is fucking crazy. I just hope that this doesn't expand into other refs. I actually have started to watch the NBA much more closely after about a ten year slacking off period, and this would kill all the new enthusiasm that I picked up for it in the last two years.

The Cuts!
Lady Don't Tek No- Latryx
Bombers-Gary Numan
Calley Oh-Billy Squier
International Players Anthem-UGK/OutKast
Smoke Rings In The Dark-Gary Allan

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Curse Of Ragnar

The last two weeks of my life have been spent doing pretty much nothing, nada, zippo. I work my workweek and I come home and do one of two things:
1.Watch TV

One book I just finished was Now I Can Die In Peace by Bill Simmons. The book is a fantastic read about one Red Sox fan and his obsession with his team that some call "cursed." Simmons never subscribes to the curse, and when the Sox finally won it all in the magical summer of 2004, Simmons gets pumped that all the curse talk is dead for good.

This got me thinking about my own local sports franchises. I am nearly 25 years old, and I have seen two Minnesota teams win titles in my lifetime. My father is in the same boat. Over that time, I can think of more actual instances of depression and heartbreak than victory and elation. All the usual suspects are there: the Wolves in the magical summer of 2004, the Twins in 2002,03,04 and the dump that they took last year, and of course, the fucking 1998 Vikings.

Actually, I am positive that the Minnesota Vikings have a more star-crossed history than that of the Boston Red Sox. Too many crazy things have happened to this team over the years to think, hey, it's just a really bad 48 year streak the Purp got going for them. Here are just a few examples of events in the timeline of sadness:
  • Super Bowl IV-I wasn't around for this one, but my dad said that it was one of the worst experiences of his sporting life. According to the sportswriters, there was no way in hell that the Vikings were losing this game to the Chiefs. They had beat the shit out of the Browns the week before and were something like a 16 point favorite. Yet, the Chiefs made the NFL champs look dated and slow by shutting down their running game and coming at the Vikes with something that the NFL was not used to-a passing offense. Add to that the Chiefs jackass coach being mic'ed for NFL Films and calling the super long Otis Taylor touchdown on film, and it was insult to injury.
  • All the other Super Bowl losses- Every time I see a highlight film of any of the Vikings Super Bowl losses, it acts as if the Dolphins, Steelers and Raiders beat an imaginary opponent. There is NOTHING on the Vikings. Nothing. They will show one or two plays, then bust nuts about how God-like Terry Bradshaw was. The truth is, the Vikes never really got blown out in any of the games. Then again, they really didn't hold their own in any either...
  • The "Hail Mary Game." I have spent my whole life hearing about this game. Basically, my dad told me that one of the Pearsons on the Cowboys pushed Nate Wright down, no flag was thrown, and a ref got clocked by a whiskey bottle thrown by some drunk from Fridley. Well, three years ago, I tracked down a bootleg copy of this game on eBay. That is exactly what happened. The Vikes were fucked by a shitty non-call, and some stupid ref got what he deserved. The saddest part is that this team was 12-2 and was probably the most realistic shot at winning a Super Bowl. Oh, did I mention that this game caused Vikes QB Fran Tarkenton's dad to have a heart attack and die? I am not making this up
  • The "Darrin Nelson Game" (1987 NFC Championship Game)- I remember this one. I was five and had just started watching sports hardcore. I remember a pretty mediocre Vikings team shocking a really good New Orleans team and one of the 49ers dynasty teams both on the road. Then came the Redskins. Tommy Kramer was going through one of his injured periods and Wade Wilson was throwing bombs to Anthony Carter and Leo Lewis like he was Elway. A.C. even got the cover of S.I. the week of this game. Then fucking Darrin Nelson has to drop the easiest freaking pass ever as he was about to go into the end zone with four seconds left in the 4th. Goodbye win, goodbye trip to the Super Bowl to face the Broncos (like this wasn't going to be a win?), and hello Herschel. If you can find the clip of this on YouTube, don't watch it. I watched it 12 times in an hour. It shows some bar in International Falls all primed to celebrate, then, BOOM!
  • Steve Young's run- yes, the most legendary run in NFL history was done on one of the top ranked defenses of the late 80s. The Stormin Mormon worked his way through Browner, Millard, Carl Lee, Al Noga and seven other guys. And I get to see it whenever there is a highlight show!

None of this compares to something that I still haven't come to grips with totally, and it will be nine years in January. Something that is so painful that I can barely type this without getting teary-eyed. Something that made me cry drunk when my friend Brandon somehow found my tape of this at a party and threw it on. Yep, its the 1998 NFC title game.

That fall was one of the most magical in Vikings history. So many good moments, like Moss torching the Cowboys on Thanksgiving and the Packers on MNF. The team was 15-1! The only loss came against Tampa Bay because Mike Alstott decided to have a career day. Randall Cunningham was amazing, there were three scary as hell deep threats(Moss, Chris Carter and Jake Reed), Robert Smith was having an awesome season, Gary Anderson didn't miss a fucking field goal all year, and the defense kicked ass. And the Niners, Packers and Cowboys were out of the playoffs. WE WERE PLAYING THE FALCONS!!!!!! Miami was booked. We were going to beat the Broncos in two weeks, cause there was no way in hell the Jets were beating them. Finally, a Super Bowl!

Except Denny felt the need, with the best offense in NFL history, to take a knee with about a minute left in regulation. Lets take another game with a similar scenario. Lets say that the Patriots take a knee to play OT with the Rams in Super Bowl XXXV. Then Tom Brady doesn't become God. Expect that Denny Green is one of the worst NFL coaches ever in the postseason and Bill Belichick of the Pats is a coaching mastermind. So the knee is taken. And Morten Andersen kicks the game winner for the Falcons in OT. Yep, I knew this was going to happen from the SECOND that Gary Anderson missed the clincher in regular time.

Honestly, I have no idea what happened after the game. I blocked it out. My tape of the game cuts off the second the Falcons win, and goes to the AFC game. I may have went to Target or K-Mart to buy a graphing calculator, but I think that was after a Packers loss. I did cry, my brothers cried, and my dad cried. The next day at school, no one talked, except for my friend Kyle. He paused at the lunch table, looked at me, and said "We are not fucking talking about it. Ever. Not fucking ever." Then we ate our Italian dunkers.

The aftermath of the game was terrible. My dad became a Buccaneers fan for two years. I basically quit following sports and started investing myself into pro wrestling until around 9/11. And the loss broke the last bit of sanity of Vikings fans.

That game begat the 41-0 game at Giants Stadium two years later. I had spent the night at Steve Louwerses house playing Final Fantasy Tactics, and while driving the five miles from his house to my parents, the Giants scored two TDs. Game over. Even more heartbreak happened at the Cardinals game when Nate Poole caused the Vikes to miss the playoffs(and Paul Allen to have an on-air fit doing the play by play). I tried to call my friends, but they knew how I was going to bitch, so no one picked up. This was also right after I got dumped by my girlfriend of two years. God, what a great time!

That pretty much sums up the Vikings curse moments from my perspective. I have no idea how the curse got there, but I do know, to paraphrase Michael Jackson, the curse is real and I believe in it.

(Oh, and while writing this, ESPN showed Mike Vick's 75 yard run through the Vikings defense in OT to win a regular season game. Thanks, fuckers)

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Love Plus One

So today I was about to go do some laundry and "Scott Baio is 45 and Single" came on. Needless to say, laundry had to wait. This may be the most perfect reality show ever, and I've only seen the first fifteen minutes so far. In the opening, the Baio reveals that he lost his virginity to Joanie...and then makes a "Joanie really did love Chachi" joke! He took the work out of it for us. Then, he goes to play golf with Wayne from "The Wonder Years". Even his crew of buddies besides Wayne (straight out of ethnic Italian typecasting 101) are fantastic. Oh, and since the Baio is the executive producer, I think he picks the music. All I've heard so far are INXS, the Cure and the Pretenders. And a-Ha. I am 100% positive the Baio went over to his CD rack and picked the tunes that got him laid in 1991 for the soundtrack. Wait, what is that? HAIRCUT 100! "LOVE PLUS ONE"! I love this show.

The thing is, I usually hate reality TV. The first "Real Worlds" were nice, but after the whole threesome in the hot tub thing in Vegas, I lost interest. I once saw Rudy from Survivor at the State Fair with Dave Ryan from KDWB, but that really didn't get me interested either. My previous highlight in reality TV would have to be "Breaking Bonaduce" when he chugs cranberry vodkas on a curb after an argument with his wife. I am sure that this show will top anything I saw from Danny Partridge.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Oh Canada

Just got back from Quebec City and Montreal where I stayed busy for a week. Some of the highlights:
  • Getting hassled by the border patrol at both the Canadian and U.S. borders. Now I know why Ice Cube and T thought the way that they did.
  • Eating, lots of eating. Something called "Pizza Lunch" which was like a pizza slice inside a roll was one of my favorites. Also, a Montreal style hot dog with mayo, lettuce and french fries on top.
  • Canadian Beer. They have a 10.1% content Labatts 40 for four bucks Canuck. Drinking one of these caused me to black out and yell at the U-20 World Cup match on CBC. This was also the same night that I saw tits on late nite TV. What an odd beer.
  • The waterfall outside Quebec. It was bigger than Niagra. I'm not usually one for cornball shit like this, but it was awesome.
  • The fact that the largest convenience store chain in Quebec is "Couche-Tard"
  • No English. OK, this got real old real quick, but it was quite novel for a while
  • The cobblestone streets of Quebec
  • Watching the Canadian equivalent of "The Daily Show" and not understanding a single political reference
  • POUTINE!! The best Poutine was at A&W, strangely enough. DQ also had good poutine. I went to a local place called Chez Ashton that had some crazy ass poutine, like "Michigan" with chili and hot dogs, and one with peas and ham.
  • The street performers. Dudes juggling fire is always cool.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Live Wire, Barely A Beginner...But Watch That Lady Go!

First off, I'm not going to talk about the Chris Benoit murder-suicide in depth. Its just really shocking, and sad.

On to the only other story in the media-the KG trade. At this point, I really think he should be traded. There is no way he can play here and be happy at this point, unless the Wolves trade for Kobe and lure MJ out of retirement. I just hope McHale doesn't botch this one too badly, but you know he will. I'm assuming its going to be Luke Walton and Andrew Bynum for Garnett and the #7 pick. Come on, you know they are just going to draft the big Asian if they keep the pick.

The only upside in this is that a white Lakers Garnett jersey would look pretty bad ass.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Trailers For Sale or Rent

UPDATE: The ghetto bitch who I wrote about in my previous blog started the appartment complex on fire later that night. Sure, it was only the bottom floor, but still. She claimed the situation was "Straight up D-Bo" and also that she was on some "L.I.B shit" with another ghetto bitch. Also, I guess the "Block was hot 'cause they was pigs comin. Lots of pigs".

So I was reminiscing about my greatest Cheapo conquests with myself at work today, and I realized that the best one was when I found the British Now 7 for $2.95. It turns out that this was the first Now ever released on CD. I sold it on eBay for 75 pounds. A profit of 140 bucks is never something to frown on. I also found my dad Rare Earth live, which is worth over $100.

Some finds that I would like to find at Cheapo:
"Breaking Atoms"-Main Source. The likelihood of finding this is slim to none, as its been OOP since like the mid 90s and it wasn't all that popular then. I'd pay like 10 for it, seeing as how the Japanese import goes for $30.

"Where I'm Coming From"-Stevie Wonder. Released in 1971, during the so called classic period. OOP since the early 90s and goes for $40 on eBay. It has one of my fave cuts on it, "If You Really Love Me."

And the holy grail, the 60s Soul box set from Rhino. This thing is so fucking rare that I have only seen a track listing once. The 70s Soul box set may be the best box of all time, so this one would be crucial.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

In The Ghetto

One of the highlights of my life is listening to the gutter trash that lives in my apartments complex argue about nonsense. I just heard an awesome, uplifting speech about how if some girl gets jumped, she will take the "L", but then real N-words like her boy Mitchell do it real the next time. I know a shit ton of hard assed mafuckers named Mitchell. Still, it doesn't match the arguement my roommate Mark heard the couple below us having. The whole arguement, at 8 AM on a Saturday, was about who could get ready faster. Bomb Fridley!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Seems To Me, You Don't Want To Talk About It.

So the James Gang rides into America's most boring city tonight to play the biggest piece of shit boring franchise in professional sports. Guess who I'm going to be rooting for? Yep, I've been a King James mark since day one. But that's beside the point. I think I'd root for just about ANY team that was playing the Spurs. Like, for instance, if the Packers could somehow put a starting five on the floor, I may root for them. I hate hate hate the Spurs. They make vanilla ice cream and the missionary position seem exciting. Their unis suck. Their team is a bunch of foreign soccer flopping pussies led by the Big Snooze, Tim Duncan. I don't care how good you are, if you can't entertain, I'm not interested. The only way I'm ever going to like the Spurs is if they coax Charles Oakley out of retirement to bitch slap Tyrone Hill at half-court one more time.

The Cuts!
"Still Rock and Roll To Me" Mr.William Joel
"Gangsters" The Specials
"At This Moment" Billy Vera and The Beaters (Side note on this one: Wasn't Courtney Cox kinda kute on "Family Ties" during this time period? Sure she had big hair and may have been sporting retro-bush, but I still would have been there to pick up the pieces when she dumped Alex. Oh, and Skippy was a douche.)
"Baby It's You"-Smith
"Cupid"-The Spinners
"Tracy"-The Cufflinks (Side Note #2- Sixties bubblegum is the shit!)

Friday, May 25, 2007

I Get Bored

So, here it goes. I have nothing to do on a Friday night. NOTHING! I could go out, but I'm kinda broke, and plus, I'm saving my alcoholic ammo for Sunday night. So I sat around Casa de Pancake and bumped fiddy cent vinyl. Here's some of the rundown:

Stevie Wonder- "Hotter Than July" From the outset, I only knew "Master Blaster." Or at least I thought I did. HOLY SHIT, IT'S GOT "LATELY" ON IT!! I forgot this one! Don't call me pussy, but the Jodeci cover of this jam was a fave of mine in junior high. And "Happy Birthday" may be a little corny, but it did pretty much single handedly get a national holiday started. Plus, most of the other songs (I Ain't Gonna Stand For It, Do Like You especially) are pretty good. I'm believing this is REAL underrated right now.

The Honeydrippers-This is an EP. It has "Sea Of Love" on it. That song is the jam, and it's really weird that the guy who ripped through "Heartbreaker" fifteen years prior is singing with an orchestra. Or maybe not, after all, "All Of My Love" got mad airplay on stations alongside the Carpenters back in the day. Pretty decent for fifty cents.

Pete Townsend-"Empty Glass" I only got through side one. But I listened to "Let My Love Open The Door" five times. Is there a more perfect pop song? Maybe not. It's not a coincidence that this was a bigger hit than any song that the Who released in the US. Pound for pound, I would rather have any Who disc though.

Cyndi Lauper-"She's So Unusual" Hey little three year old Jake. How is 1985? Pretty sure that riding in the Cordoba is cool, and that this may be up there with "Purple Rain," "Thriller," "Like A Virgin,""Sports" and "Control" as albums that defined the decade. Remember when radio stations (not just KQ) played album cuts like "Trapped" by Springsteen and "Erotic City" by Prince? Well, I remember Cyndi's version of "When You Were Mine" (A PRINCE COVER!) playing on WLOL as a tyke. Didn't realize that he did the song at the time. The three non radio hits are pretty weak, but has there been a song as good as "Time After Time" released in a while? Didn't think so.

Donald Fagen-"The Nightfly" This album cover is fucking cool as shit. Not in a KISS way. Its just a DJ smoking unfiltered Chesterfields at 4:10 AM over a turntable. I love the fact that I have this on vinyl. You couldn't make out the miniture details on the CD booklet. "I.G.Y." is the radio hit you'd remember, but this albums pretty bomb. And it sounds exactly like Steely Dan, mainly because it is. I even think the other dude played on it. Nope, it was Toto and Valerie Simpson. Solid, solid as a rock I say.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Monday Morning, You Sure Look Fine. Me, I Got Travelin' On My Mind

I am super amped for softball tomorrow. Our skipper had eye surgery, and he is planning on playing with only one eye to inspire the Tarkins. Plus, we had a team practice where everyone looked like hot shit. So, wish us good luck, God.

In a little over a month and a half, I'm going to Quebec City/Montreal for a week. I plan on purchasing a Shawn Michaels shirt and posing in front of the Molson Centre in honor of the tenth anniversary of the Montreal Screwjob. I also plan on picking up some Expos and Nordiques gear if I can find it. Oh, and I plan on ingesting as much poutine as one man can ingest.

The Cuts!
"God Gave Rock and Roll To You II" KISS
"Monday Morning" Fleetwood Mac
"First I Look At The Purse" The Contours
"Bloody Well Right" Supertramp
"What Is Life" George Harrison

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Everybody, Have You Heard? If You're In The Game, Then The Strokes The Word

So I was reading the New York Times today, and I saw that there was an article on Bono on A1. Curious as to how Bono could get on page 1 without a reference to global debt, I read on. Turns out that Bono doesn't like all the smoke from old chimneys that is coming into his posh NYC abode. That wasn't the interesting part. The man who was filling his appartment with smoke was none other than...BILLY FUCKING SQUIER! Yep, he of the Stroke. The article mentioned that his last hit was in 1984 ("Rock Me Tonight") totally out of context, so I assume that the author was as fucking shocked as I was that Billy wasn't living in Section 8 housing somewhere in Philly. Guess that he invested very well.

The article also quoted Mitch Miller, the old head of Colombia Records in the 1950s who wouldn't sign rock and roll acts. He was also the guy who had that sing along with the bouncing ball show around the same time. Wikipedia him. The funny thing is that I thought that Mitch Miller died in 1972. But I guess he lives with Billy Squier and Bono in some freak high rise around Central Park.

In other news, I graduated from the U. So if anyone needs someone to do some lowly bitch work for an ad agency, I'm your man.

The Cuts!
"The Salt In My Tears" Martin Briley
"White Trash Heroes" Archers Of Loaf
"Sophmore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year" Prince cover of the Fall Out Boy Jam
"Since You've Been Gone"(39th week at #1) Rainbow

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

God Save The Queen

So its three down, one to go (and that ones in progress). Yup, I'm straight talkin about finals week. I am writing my J4261 Roth IRA paper as we speak. Or at least as I type. I am going to be so relieved when this whole thing is over. I decided not to walk on Sunday, as I didn't really make any close friends at school and I look like a bloated whale in maroon. Oh well. Here's the CDs I listened to (in their wholeness) while slaving away at the comp today:

Starz- "Violation" These dudes sound like a cross between Kiss and Big Star. They rule. If you can find "Cherry Baby" download it.

Boston-S/T Every song from this disc STILL gets played on the radio. The only weak song, in my humble opinion, is "Smokin'" which sounds like broke ass southern rock. And that one still has a shit load of fans. One of the best rock albums of all time.

Teenage Fanclub-"Songs From Northern England" This one sounds like straight up Big Star, with even more lovely melodies. Way better than "Bandwagonesqe" which for some reason Spin named album of the year in 1991. Um, how about "Nevermind"? "Ten"? "Death Certificate"?

Modest Mouse-"We Were Dead Before The Ship Sank" Less songs about floating, more about new positions. About the same amount of lyrics about bugs. I dig this one even more than the last one, mainly because there are no bullshit trumpet flares between songs.

Neil Young "Live At Massey Hall" Ol' Neil. I usually can't follow a whole album of yours, save for "Harvest" because they are BORING! But no twelve minute Crazy Horse guitar freekouts equals one fucking fantastic acoustic disc. I even like the hoedown number before the encore.

Black Sabbath-"Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" This was my winding down paper, getting it up for softball disc. It was a tossup between this and "Reign In Blood" by Slayer. Sab is a little more melodic, so I picked this over the mellow balladeers in Slayer. "Paranoid" is still better, mainly because it reminds me of Hardees and childhood, but Sab Blod Sab is damn sweet, too. Like Ozzy, I'm lookin for today.