Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Movin' On Up Now, Out Of the Darkness

I'm leaving the cocoon that is Brooklyn Park finally on Thursday. I'm pushing and expanding my boundaries all the way to...Memphis? No, I'm not Mott The Hoople. I'm moving to the lovely city of Fridley. Yep, a whole 15 minutes from my current abode. Oh well, a move is a move. I'm trading in the ghetto trash for white trash. I am still not sure how that's going to play out, but we will see. Also, Chris and Rob's Chicago Style Eatery is going to be mere blocks from my new apartment. I can gorge on cheesy beef and Maxwell Street Polishes until my arteries cannot take it anymore.

The Cuts:
"Never Going Back Again" Fleetwood Mac
"I Want To Break Free" Queen
"Message In A Bottle" The Police
"Radiation Vibe" Fountains Of Wayne
"We Used To Vacation" Cold War Kids

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Went To A Party Last Saturday Night, Didn't Get Laid, Got In A Fight. Uh Huh, It Ain't No Big Thang

As the above post notes, I indeed go to a party last Saturday night. It was fun. I ate Tater Tots and drank screwdrivers until 5AM. I also played many jams, one of which was "I Was Made For Lovin You" by KISS. Everyone hated on it, except for me and Jeff Hill. I refered to it as "kissco" which seemed to make everyone else mad.

I did notice that the same thing happened to me at this specific party that happens at nearly every party that I have been to in the last five years. Everyone else concentrates on getting laid or passes out, and I end up talking about random, weird bullshit with someone I don't know that well. I have never quite figured out why I do this. Anyways, I thought about a list of the best bullshit convos that I have had at parties...EVER

-The 1980s Boston Celtics (Especially the '86 team). The guy I discussed this with also randomly said he'd kill me after I brought up the parquet floor.

-The availibility of the Rolling Stones CD "Goats Head Soup." Both me and the gentleman I discussed this with owned it on vinyl, but had only seen it on CD once.

-German "Big Brother." The girl that I discussed this with denied ever having the conversation at a later date. I know it happened, mainly because we also discussed "The Immaculate Collection" by Madonna.

-Pistol Pete Maravich and the dissappearance of Tube Socks in the modern NBA- I nicknamed some dude "Pistol Pete", which lead to a two hour discussion on NBA history. I also deemed it possible that I could beat anyone in the WNBA at a game of one-on-one (as did every other guy in the conversation).

-The "Dawson's Creek" episode where Dawson's dad dies eating ice cream and singing "Drift Away". I was told that at some point in this conversation, I screamed "Did Dawson ever get to make his movie?"

-The Pearl Jam Ten Club. Specifically, how I only obtained one single, even though I have been a member for three years.

-The 1986 New York Giants. Specifically, how Mark Bavaro and L.T. were the shit.

I'm sure theres more, but I can't recall. Maybe I need to try to get a little booty next time, instead of dwelling on 80s sports teams and music? Naw, I'm good.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

P-U-N-K In The USA (A Treatise On Punk Ideals)

AC/DC is punk as fuck. I know that some old school Black Flag fan just shat himself after reading that statement, but screw the old guard. I'm here to re-define the idea of what punk is.

So what is punk. I figure punk is sort of like art, you know what it is when you see it. Everyone says the Ramones are punk, and I concurr with those who call them punk. But Blondie? They were a disco band at most, a new wave act at the least. I think that the one tangible thing punk should have is attitude. It should have nothing to do with style of music. Therefore, the following are to be considered punk from now on:

Ice Cube up until 1995- Anyone who comes out with a song called "The Nigga You Love To Hate" is punk. More points for enciting riots. Ice Cube after 1995 is about as vanilla as they come, and is anti-punk.

Motley Crue's song "Live Wire"- I dig the Crue, but their later stuff falls in between Winger and Roxette in the punk category. "Live Wire" makes me want to blow shit up and punch someone at the SuperAmerica in the face for no reason. Therefore, punk.

AC/DC with Bon Scott- Good Ol'Bon wrote songs about fucking obese women and getting syphilis. No one else has done this before or since with such conviction.

David Lee Roth- I'm not exatcly sure why DLR is punk, but I sure as hell know he is. Maybe the assless chaps?

Rage Against the Machine- Tom Morello is a black communist who makes his guitar sound like a harmonica. Zach De La Rocha hates everything. The band climbs lighting fixtures to interrupt Fred Durst speeches. Punk as fuck!

Axl Rose- Sang songs about Nighttrain. Wore leather braclets. Covered Iggy and the Dead Boys. So punk it hurts.

Prince on "Dirty Mind"- The music is new wave, but the attitude is punk. He talks about fucking his sister in detail for no good reason whatsoever.

Joe Namath- B'way Joe really didn't give two shits about anyone from the old guard. He wore a floor length fur coat on the sideline, and he wore pantyhose on national television. Plus, he pulled off the second greatest upset in the history of sports.

John Lennon "Plastic Ono Band"- To this day, I have no idea why Capitol Records allowed this album to come out. Screaming, calling his fans "fucking pesants", missing his mommy, saying God is nothing but a concept, nuclear bombs dropping, a reference to either cocaine or the Cookie Monster in the middle of the most poppy song on the album. In most peoples minds, flags would have went up. For some reason this came out, and it made the world just a bit more real.

Public Enemy until 1995- 95 seemed to be the year that revolution was subdued by reality TV and family comedy films. Public Enemy was FUCKING SCARY to a ten year old white kid in 1992. Then came claymation "Give It Up" and "Flava Of Love" No, Boyee!

Slayer- Songs about Auschwitz played at breakneck speed are punk

Metallica's "Master of Puppets" Same with songs about heroin and mental illness.

That's all I got for now. Anyone else? I guess Rick James, even though he labeled himself as such. But I guess punk in the black community means gay, so the fact that one of the 20th centurys greatest cocksman called himself a funky gay dude is pretty punky.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

The citizens of Brooklyn Park drive like a 5 year old mentally retarded boy named Toddy. I nearly got into three accidents today, and it took almost a half hour to get from my house to I-94. I can't believe how stupid people are. And to top it all off, I had to swerve to avoid a bumper in the middle of the enterance to Douglas Drive. It was like my little own personal Arc D'Triumpfe.

Another freaking homeless person/hooker in my driveway today. As I was getting ready to leave for work around 6, some dude came up to me and offered to shovel my driveway. I'm sure he didn't want any monetary compensation. Maybe he was trying to pay it forward or something. Brooklyn Park is starting to become North Minneapolis day by day.

Why do Minnesotans love mayonaise? I hate that shit to the Nth degree. One of the dudes in my "ad agency" for school (Four Guys, A Girl And An Ad Agency) pointed out how if you offer a Minnesotan a chili dog and a regular hot dog for the same price, they will choose the regular hot dog at least half of the time. Personally, I would eat the chili dog. I hate mild. I don't think I've even had mayo in about five years. That shit has the mouthfeel of Crisco and half the taste.

The Cuts!
"Start Choppin" Dinosuar Jr.
"Live Wire" Motley Crue
"Cold Gin (Live)" KISS
"Rawhide" Link Wray
"Ain't Nothin Ta Fuck Wit" Wu-Tang
"Kim The Waitress" Material Issue
"So Far Away" Dire Straits
"Smile" Lily Allen

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Ooooh, I'm Lookin For Clues

Is there some artists that you always thought you hated? For me, it has always been the Doors. I fucking hate the Doors. I hate their entire concept, and most of their songs. "Love Her Madly" and that one song that Jay-Z samples are decent, but otherwise I think Jim Morrisson was a sham and a phony who put out hippie bullshit to seem intellegent. He also liked butt sex a lot, but that's neither here nor there. Anyways, the next paragraph will get to my point.

I was listening to the Muzak (called HearMusic) at work about a year ago, and I heard a song that sounded like the Strokes. I mean, I really thought that Julian Casablancas was preforming some solo material. I ran into the back to find out who in the holy hell sang the song. To my surprise, it was "Johnny and Mary" by ROBERT FUCKING PALMER!

Robert Palmer usually falls into my Doors category when thinking about popular music. I fucking cannot stand him. Sure, I sang "Addicted To Love" at my Uncle Ron's wedding when I was five, but I also played with Go-Bots. But "Johnny and Mary" struck some sort of chord with me. It took me nearly a year to find the song on any P2P service, and also that long to track down the album it came off of "Clues".

You know what? The album is fucking fantastic. It was released in 1980, but could have come out later in the decade. All the songs on it are both catchy and kind of alternativey. "Looking For Clues" is the absolute jam, along with "Johnny and Mary". "I Dream Of Wires" is pretty Thomas also. This hasn't made me go back and listen to "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On", but I may have to give some other early period Palm some shine.

Funny side note: I brought up to my mother that I bought this album over Thanksgiving dinner. She, and I quote, said "That album fucking sucks." I tried to explain that it wasn't the one with "Simply Irresistible" on it. She just said, "Oh, I know what album it is" and left it at that. My mom went to the Aveda hair school from 1979-81, so she's sort of familair with new wave/punk (her favorite song, all time, is "Allison" by Elvis Costello). I am just not sure why she hates a very obscure Robert Palmer album.