Monday, December 28, 2009

Mad About Mad Men

I received Mad Men seasons 1 and 2 for Christmas this year. I enjoyed both season 2 and 3 of this marvelous show previously, but after watching season one this weekend, I have to say this.

Mad Men may be the best drama that I have ever seen.

All the characters are perfectly developed, from the lowly secretaries getting sexually harassed in order to land a husband all the way up to the main characters. Every glance, every word has meaning. For those who idealize the 60s as some sort of utopia before the hippies came along, Mad Men tears a huge hole in that theory.

Don Draper, the big swinging head of the Sterling Cooper ad agency, drinks, smokes and cheats his way to the top of Madison Avenue. He's a strange sort of anti-hero, but while watching, you can't help but love him. Actually, all the characters are sort of reprehensible, but that is what makes the show go. They are real people, or at least as real as people on TV can be.

Draper also has a good run of mistresses. His wife is a sexy robot type, but he seems to pick women with substance. The Jewish department store owner. The beatnik chick. The teacher. All are compensating for the shallowness of a supposedly perfect life. Just another layer of complexity in this brilliant show.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Albums/Singles of the 2000s

Loyal readers,

I would like some submissions for albums/singles of the last decade (2000-2009). Length can be whatever you like, choices can be whatever you like (diversity breeds goodness). Please email your submissions by 12/31/09 to

Oh, and no jokes. I don't want a top five consisting of Nickelback songs.

Jake Eickholt

Monday, December 07, 2009

Vampire Weekend - Everywhere (Cover)

80s Fleetwood Mac sort of sucked, but it had its moments..."Everywhere" was one of my highlights. And Vampire Weekend straight up kills this cover.

I Want You Back

Sometimes I reminisce over my life and this reminiscence comes back to one overwhelming thing: products that no longer exist that I wish did. Well, either that or drunken times in college. are a few things I wish came back from the dead.

Cookies and Creme Twix-God, these things were good. It was a cookie layer and a cream layer covered in chocolate. The good folks at Twix started pimping PB Twix, and that was the end of the Cookies and Creme

Apple Slice-Pepsi used to make Apple, Cherry, Orange, Lemon Lime and Dr Slice. Then it was just Orange, Lemon Lime and Dr. Now, its none of the above. Apple Slice tasted like Apple Snapple, only carbonated. It was heavenly.

CD Singles/45s/Cassingles-If only for the B-Sides. I remember buying the singles from the first Third Eye Blind album just for the B-Sides (and yes, that album is incredibly underrated). You just don't get that value added with digital downloads.

Instruction Manuals for Video games-I remember getting Super Mario 2 for Chirstmas when I was 8 and reading about the transsexual dinosaur named Birdo that shot eggs out of its snout. Sure, games still come with manuals, but where are the crazy ass backstory to confuse an 8 year old boy?

Snack Wells Yogurt-Especially the chocolate cherry variety. I would throw one of those joints in the freezer and it was like frozen yogurt but only better.

McPatty Melt from McDonalds-A quarter pounder on rye bread with fried onions and Cheez Whiz. I remember eating 2 of these during a blizzard on the way to a North Stars-Maple Leafs game and falling in love.

An Alt-Rock Radio Station in MPLS-Sure, we have the Current, but I can only stand so much sub-par dead air from DJs and mindless twee pop. I want balls to the wall stations like Zone 105 and The Edge, stations that only had 30 song playlists and featured a "flashback lunch".

Anything else, loyal reader(s)?

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Record Show Journal 12/5/09

The Uptown VFW was once again the host to a record show today. And once again, the collection of folk who like to dig through piles of hot wax did not fail to disappoint.

Record shows usually draw out three broad groups of people. There are the old burnouts who love rambling about seeing Blue Cheer back in '68. There are the smelly dorks rocking Starter jackets looking for first pressings of obscure garage records. And finally there are the hipster kids with their gigantic 80s glasses, skinny jeans and neck beards who sell weird metal and "noise" records. I have a love/hate relationship with them all. I love them due to the fact that I can obtain KISS records for pennies on the dollar from the elitist burnouts and dorks, and I hate them because they have no concept of personal space or public decorum.

The show is always a great place to eavesdrop on stupid conversations about freak pop culture things you would hear no where else. Today, I heard two unwashed 40 somethings talk about NWA Wrestling from Florida for at least a half an hour. I had walked away from the bins in their general area, came back, and they were still talking about Harley Race and Abdullah The Butcher. One actually called Barry Horrowitz a great wrestler. I was also offered "a great price on steaks" by some redneck in the parking lot. Yep, these are the kind of people I choose to spend my Saturdays with.

Today's show was a huge success for me personally due to two factors: one was the place smelled more like hamburgers and hot dogs and less like farts than it usually does, and two was that I got a ton of great records for cheap. Here's the haul:

-The Jam "Sound Affects"
-Bob Seger "Seven"
-The Music Explosion "Little Bit O' Soul"
-Issac Hayes "Black Moses
-Wizzard "Eddy and the Falcons"
-Dead Kennedys "In God We Trust, Etc"
-Dave Edmunds "Tracks on Wax"
-Stevie Wonder "My Cherie Amour"
-KISS "Double Platinum"

Total spent: 27 bucks. Well, 29 bucks if you count the enterance fee.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Catch Me Now I'm Falling

I am truly, madly, deeply-do in love with the song "Catch Me Now I'm Falling" by the Kinks at this moment. This deep tissue love started in the dining area of a Davannis, and I have been on the lookout for the CD on which the song is contained for a few months. Unfortunately, the CD ran $17.99 at my local Cheapo (I guess there is a high demand for late period British rock music). So I bought that ish on vinyl.

Let me tell you, the rest of the album Low Budget does not disappoint. It plays like some sort of bastard child of disco, punk and arena rock. Sort of like if the Van Halen cover of "You Really Got Me" had actually been remade by the OGs. Even the album cover feels a little glitter glam, with a stiletto walking over a ciggie boo with The Kinks and the album title stenciled in chalk on the sidewalk.

The big hit off the LP ("I Wish I Could Fly Like Superman") is mid-range disco rock cheez, not as bad as "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" and nowhere near as good as "Last Train to London." Still, an enjoyment for the $3.60 I spent for it.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Pickin On Randoms 11/20/09

-Saw "Pirate Radio" the other night. Great movie, great music. It was one of those movies that, going into, I knew I was going to love. I mean, I have always been interested in British culture and the music of that time. Plus, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Murray from "Flight Of The Concords" and Ed from "Shaun of the Dead". According to Wikipedia, the DVD will have like an hour of extras. I can't wait.

-Picked up "I Might Be Wrong" by Radiohead in the cutout bin at HBP today. Its funny how when "Kid A" came out I thought it was the weirdest thing I had ever heard, and today it sounds like straight up rock music (granted with a ambient electronic edge). How Radiohead influenced a whole generation of bands (for better or worse) is something I haven't really realized until now.

-Bought Bill Simmons new "Book of Basketball". I haven't cracked its weary spine yet, but I'm pretty excited to. My relationship with Mister Simmons words is complex...I love some of the stuff he writes, but he dwells too much on shitty 80s movies ("Vision Quest" anyone?) and his brahski tendencies overwhelm occasionally. But the MFer knows his hoops, and hopefully the book dials down some of the Vegas references.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

A Guy Walks into a Target...

Went to Target tonight for granola bars and the new Felt disc "Felt 3: A Tribute to Rosie Perez". Its pretty good, the beats are a lot harder than Felt 2 (on which I dug the harder edged jams more than the slow joints). Plus, there is a shout out to Pizza Luce in the liner notes. I mean, who doesn't want to validate the best pizza on earth...or at least outside of Chicago.

The Cuts! (Album Oriented Version)
Felt 3
King Khan and the Shrines- The Supreme Genius of...
Hall and Oates-Private Eyes

Monday, November 16, 2009

Litterbug...Clap, Clap...Litterbug

Recently, I was at a gathering thrown by one of my co-workers. I was keeping it cool, making small talk about people from work, sports, etc, until some non-co-worker types showed up. One of the girls went on a rant about people who don't recycle, apropos of nothing. This bothered the bejezzus out of me, for one reason:

I think recycling is bullshit, plain and simple.

Recycling is, in theory, great. But so are marriage and communism. I should preface this with the fact that I know no actual facts about what happens to what when I dump my cans, paper and glass into a garbage can that is picked up by the same Waste Management truck my garbage is. It just feels like all that "recyclable" refuge winds up right next to the Pampers and apple cores in the incinerator. Also, I get no monetary benefit from it. Finally, most people have sorta given up on recycling. Shit, when I lived in New Brighton, I wasn't even given the OPTION to recycle.

Anyways, I think I won the argument that night by throwing out two totally unrelated points. They were
-I also love to litter
-I am the realest person that this woman would ever meet

We became BFFs by the time point two was spoken, which goes to show, no one really cares that much about recycling anyways.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

We Are The Goon Squad. And We're Coming To Town

Another Saturday Night, and I ain't got nobody...
In all actuality, that's not entirely correct. I do have Urban Meyer, Tim Tebow, and David Bowie in clown makeup to keep me company. Bowie at full blast, Urban and Tim in the background with the sound off. It's not like I really need the sound on to deduce that Meyer is saying something like "Tim Tebow is the best football player ever. He is also like a son to me, more so than my own sons." God, do I hate most college football...

The Bowie, well that's more important. Every time I fetishize on Bowie, I always go for one of two albums (those two being "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars" and "Low") while totally overlooking "Scary Monsters." Let me tell you...this album amazing. Nothing but killer ("Ashes to Ashes", "Fashion", "Kingdom Come", "Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps)") and no instrumentals like on "Low" or "Heroes." It sounds futuristic and throwback at the same time.

The only drawbacks have nothing to do with the music. One being the cover looks like a haircutting book my mom got from Aveda when she graduated in 1980 (that always kind of creeped me out as a kid) and two is that the album spawned the New Romantic music scene. So somehow Bowie birthed Ultravox. I guess that can be forgiven though.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Pickin' On Randoms 10/20/09

-I am in love with the song "You and I" by Wilco/Feist off of "Wilco The Album". It's like some magical 1970s time warp happened and this ambrosia came out of it. It actually made me go pick up the Feist CD, something I would have found far too g-a-y to do when it came out a couple summers ago.

-Brett Favre has still not won my heart. Its like if your parents got divorced and your mom started seeing your worst enemy. Even if he was better to your mom than your dad in every single way, you still would hate the fucking bastard.

-Fuck the Yankees...although the way they are molesting the Halos makes them look like the best team in about 30 years...a few "character" guys, cagey vets, and Jeter and A-Rod. I still think the Phils would put up a fight against these cats, but damn they look solid right about now. And CC is KILLING it.

-I ate brats twice today, and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it.

-The thought that Lebron may have even thought about having cancer scares me. What would I do for my mannish basketball fix if he slipped the surly bonds of earth and became one with the heavens?

-The "surly bonds of earth" quote above (what Reagan said when the Challenger blew up) may be my favorite historical quote of the last 50 years. I wonder who wrote that one?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Freaky Friday

So the first night I get to go and tie one on since getting over the flu results in my favorite watering hole being hijacked by lesbians. And not the Jenna Jameson style either. Lets just put it this looked exactly like Greg "The Hammer" Valentine.

I mean, seriously, is there any group of people who are less easy to classify than lesbians? For reals, yo. These chicks all either looked like K.D. Lang or Melissa Etheridge, yet still felt the need to change the lyrics to "Joy To The World" to "I'm A Straight Shootin Son of a BITCH" instead of "gun". I get it, you like to do the same kinda people I do. Now can we move on. I don't feel the need to yell "I really like tits and girl-ass" when I'm going off on "The Gambler".

Due to the fact that I couldn't get in more than one song from the usually reliable "DJ Tom", the party of five left the Palace early and I cuddled up with a cheesy bean and rice burrito from Taco Bell. Even though it ended prematurely, I still enjoyed the night.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Bedsitting, Deserves a Quiet Night

So I've been in bed pretty much since Friday at 9 or so...well, except to venture out to the Dome for the Twins ass-spelunking by the Yankees and for work today. Whatever mutant flu bug this is, its kicking me when I'm down (much like the old Offspring single, but far less cool).

Some randoms:
-The Broncos unis yesterday were so hideous they were beautiful. Nothing like mustard, brown, and vertically striped socks to get the blood going

-I don't know if its the flu or what clouding my logic, but the album "Olympian" by Gene may be one of the best Britpop albums ever. Its like a reformed Smiths with a slightly less gay Morrissey. I think this one may be the only album they ever released though. Need to dig into this I think.

-Home Run Inn frozen pizza may be tops in the frozen pizza game

-Pissed off I missed "Mad Men" last night.

-Pissed I watched the last 10 minutes of "The Office" on Thursday. That Chris Brown dance thing was super lame, and waaaaaay to saccharine for a show that thrives on dark comedy. Plus, making Kevin into the biggest retard in TV history is also a little frustrating. Dial it down a notch...

Sunday, October 04, 2009

No Surrender My Bobby Jean

What a freaking weekend...drunk bowling at Earle Brown Friday, record show/Twins game/Gaslight Anthem concert Saturday, and Twins game on TV/sandlot football today. I'm exhausted by my break.

The Gaslight Anthem show at the Cabooze was quite rockin'. The main opener was a band from Indiana called Death by Murder. They sang murder ballads and songs about Satan and had an electric cello which was pretty mint fly. Oh, and the lead singer kind of looked like Mose from The Office.

The Gaslight Anthem tore down the house with its blend of Springsteen, soul, and punk. No matter what song was played, the crowd sang along like it was a fucking Dashboard Confessional concert. Lead singer Brian Fallon gave a bunch of in-between song banter that didn't kill the mood (except for that of the drunken hot girls next to me who "came there to dance"). Seeing the crowd reaction to the way they tore through "The '59 Sound" and "Meet Me By The Rivers Edge" I thought to myself "these guys are gonna be huge soon." If Kings of Leon can put 10,000 asses in the seats at Target Center, I can't see why The Gaslight Anthem couldn't do the same.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

TV Party Tonight!

NBC kinda sorta has some Must See TV on Thursdays again. Forget that SNL Thursday crap and Parks and Recreation (what a waste of funny people, and in the case of Rashida Jones, funny and oh so fine people). What I'm talkin bout is The Office, Community and soon, 30 Rock.

I don't know where The Office is going with this whole Jim-Michael as co-managers thing, but I kind of dig it. Its starting off slow, but I think something weird and uncomfortable is going to happen. In a funny way.

And Community is hit or miss (I hated last weeks episode partially because there was way too much Chevy Chase but LOL'ed at a few moments this week) but there is promise there. Also, it helps that the female lead in the show is absolutely stunning. Like, "she is so damn hot that if the guy from The Soup ends up fucking her on the show its totally unbelievable" stunning.

ANYWAYS...I finally can dedicate most of a weeknight to TV again. And that shit ain't happened since I was rocking Starter Jackets, Nike Airs, and some tapered Arizona Jeans.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Should I Pick Up the Vinyl?

Well, that settles it...I will have to listen to the new Weezer disc before I purchase it. At least twice. This is the stupidest album cover I have ever seen. What in the hell were their label thinking allowing them to put this out? What the fuck is exactly going on in this picture?
Although, it is so bad it makes me laugh a little bit. But just a little.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Jake Eickholts 115th Dream

Last night I had a dream I was in a swank lounge (you know, the kind the dudes on Entourage are always at with the round sofas and whatnot). And I had just won the Super Bowl. Anyways, I was talking big shit, saying "Who else in here has won a Super Bowl and a Super Bowl MVP?"

Then I looked over at one of the round sofas and Ben Roethlisberger was sitting there, in his Steelers gear. He said "this guy" and pointed at himself. Then we both got amped and Big Ben gave me bones.

Funny thing is, I guess he never won the Super Bowl MVP. Well, I guess that makes two of us...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

But It's Alright

So we got spanked in softball tonight. The positive would be that we put up 16 in the first game and only lost by eight. The negative would be the fact that teams in the Brooklyn Center D Fall league are much, much better than the Million Dollar Men. Oh well, I will take solace in almost hitting for the cycle tonight in the first game (single, double, triple)...

I also started converting some vinyl to MP3 this evening. I found a 45 by a local MPLS band called The Mystics in a stack of records my brother Jordan was converting. Digging garage, I threw it on. Good shit, a kick ass, sort of sloppy cover of "But It's Alright" and another cover of "Pain" by Grass Roots (was not familiar with that song at all). Not sure which is the A and which is the B but I think "Pain" was the track spun on KDWB...

I also threw the Nick Gilder album with "Hot Child In The City" on there (mainly for "One Of The Boys" which is amazing). Next step: Ringo's solo album with "Photograph" on it and all the Pearl Jam Christmas 45s I have been accumulating over the years. This may be the best toy since the Cobra Terrordome!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Why I STILL Hate Megan Fox

So my favorite celeb is on the cover of Rolling Stone this fortnight...

First off, let me start by saying I only get Rolling Stone still because Rob Sheffield writes for it. The 10 or so months he wrote for Blender were painful, mainly because that magazines "tits, ass, maybe a little music" format didn't allow him to be his catty best. If he were ever to leave again, I would cancel in a heartbeat...I don't need to see Zac Effron's biddy when I am trying to get my music news.

Anyways, back to Jolie Jr. After reading the first two paragraphs, I learned that she has her boyfriends name tattooed next to her vag. Which is a little weird, but par for the course with this broad. But then you learn, in paragraph three that her BF is, wait for it, BRIAN FUCKING AUSTIN GREEN! Yep, America's favorite FOX sponsored white rapper from 1994 is sthupping the IT girl of the moment. Marinate on that.

I also dislike Ms. Fox because they had her pose with a vinyl copy of "Ziggy Stardust" in their little pictorial. Don't sully my favorite shit, RS. Just don't.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Glenn Medeiros ~ She Ain't Worth It ~ 1990

Did this go to #1 due to Bobby Brown? And why is he hanging out with this dude who stole Mike Seavers hair? How did this come out in 1990? Weren't the 80s over by then? So many unanswered questions....

I heard that old Glenn is a high school teacher. Anyways, if I had a radio station, this shit would STILL be in regular rotation.

You Da F-----n' Best, You Da Best I Ever Had

Why is anything left in Brooklyn Center? If any city screams "hey, I quit progressing in 1985" its that one. That became painfully clear when I went to Best Buy tonight.

There was one cashier for about ten people in line, and the couple in front of me had their credit card rejected four times and insisted that it get run again. I waited about five minutes to purchase my CD, when it should have taken 20 seconds. The problem is that this is par for the course for the BC Best Buy. Absolute clueless service, no one is really buying anything (except for BOOST! phones when I was in there) and a minuscule selection of everything. All the stores in BC are like that. They are like that 40 year old dude who lives at home and goes to Fieldhouse or Champps and fucks 22 year olds in his parents basement...there once was potential, but now he (or it) is running on fumes.

The CD I bought may have been worth the wait. Kid Cudi's "Man On The Moon" is not quite a hip-hop album, not quite a pop album. It may be the first R&B influenced concept album about hating yourself (well besides "Ready To Die" by Biggie). Dude is talking about coke-induced suicide on track 2, spends track 4 and 7 tracks discussing his loner status, may be face fucking Lady Gaga with Common and Kanyeezy on track 12, tries to get happy with MGMT on track 13, and may finally have killed himself on the final track. Or did he? Common comes on to tell us nothings over.

Hip hop has been pretty fucking dead for the last two years. Honestly though, after one and a half listens to "Man On The Moon," I can't wait for part 2 of the trilogy.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Ghost Like Swazye, Etc

Patrick Swazye dying is a major loss in my book, if only because the dude starred in "Road House" and "Point Break." Both of those movies are stone cold classics. I also forgot he was in "The Outsiders." Oh, and I will admit it, "Dirty Dancing" has its moments...but I will not ride for "Ghost" (even though I know of at least one guy who loves that movie). So, RIP Dalton. Hopefully you and Jeff Healy can rock out on a kick ass "She's Like The Wind/Angel Eyes" medley in the hereafter.

In other news, my 14 year old brother asked my mom if I was gay because I read Esquire. I said, if I subscribed to GQ or Details, maybe, but Esquire is a manly read full of half naked Mary Louise Parkers and articles about In-N-Out Burger. Funny thing is, this isn't the first time my sexuality has been questioned because of Esquire. Has there ever been a magazine so misunderstood?

New Pearl Jam in 6 days...pretty amped. Hopefully it won't disappoint like "Binaural" and "Riot Act," but it will kick ass like the Avocado one, which made me want to fight the government and eat guacamole.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Love Of My Life (And It Ain't Hip Hop)

Football season is here. The time of year where I turn to my sports mistress (baseball will always be my wifey) only to get my heartbroken by that slut in purple. Ah, but she always looks so right at the twilight of summer, over there in the corner with so much promise. Oh well, maybe things will be different this time. Maybe she will stay until February, when we can take that vaycay to South Beach and party with that guido Lombardi.

But we all know how this is gonna turn out. The broad is going to leave the relationship around November all emotionally bruised after some asshole named Brett or Tavaris breaks her heart by failing to deliver on his promises. I will probably start to flirt with that redhead in downtown St. Paul, or that silver fox who hangs out by Block E. But I won't do anything, and I will go back to my wifey and the new house she's building downtown MPLS in the spring, where we will be hopefully happy for years to come.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Well, At Least We Still Got Johnny Damon

So I thought Matt Damon was dead for two minutes tonight...

Some random blog posted that TMZ had reported that Matt Damon died hiking in the California desert. My brother told me that it was legit and it was on NBC. And I believed the initial reports, due to the fact that I now somehow consider TMZ a legit news source. I think its time to step away from the computer. How fucked is our society's news gathering when we believe a blog that thrives on pictures of celebs asses instead of an accredited source?

In non celeb death related news, the new Jay-Z album sucks, conditionally. There are only a handful of decent tracks, two of which were singles already and one of which was built on the chorus to "Forever Young" by Alphaville. Being one of the only people to find "American Gangster" damn near classic, I was going to ride for "Blueprint 3" hard. But I can only give it a C. Ain't no "Roc Boys" or "Lost One" on this disc...although the song about New York with Alicia Keys is pretty good.

Monday, September 07, 2009

The Debauchedness...

I promised myself a weekend of debauchery, and goddammits, that's what I got.

Thursday was pretty mellow. The only debauchery was eating at Checkers (Loaded fries are pretty debauched) and going to Cheapo to pick up some CDs.

Friday on the other hand, was both decadent and debauched. I went to the Fair and ate the following items (NOTE: Most were shared with others):
-Cheese Curds
-Pronto Pup
-Deep Fried Cannoli
-Pig Cheek
-Australian Battered Potatoes
-Sweet Martha's Cookies
-A Milkshake

After that decadence, I went bowling at Earle Brown Lanes...and split three pitchers of Mich Golden between two people. Then, off to Jams, where I downed bottom shelf whiskey diets while my cohort talked up some broad who looked like Octomom (and who was wearing a dashiki). Octomom told my cohort to meet her at Denny' we went. There was no Octomom, but there was a meal named after Rascal Flats. So I ordered it, with my hash browns smothered and covered. Thank god for that, because I would have puked the next morning for sure if Rascal Flats wouldn't have been in my tummy.

Saturday was another "So Ruff So Tuff" day. Went to a softball shindig in Richfield, then went to Champps a block away. After realizing Champps was deader than Chris Benoit, we headed to a dive sports bar called Tailgate. Tailgate had karaoke, and I rocked the fuck out of "Up On Cripple Creek". Then I decided it would be fun to try to pick up the only single chicks in the bar. Didn't work out so well...they came back and helped us drink some keg beer, but one of them was a super huge Dave Matthews fan (even dropping the dreaded "Dave" reference) and kind of soured on Ol' Jakey Poo when I made fun of their new album title.

But, you gotta admit, "Whiskey Kings and The Goo Goo Crux" or whatever is a stupid fucking name...even if its named after their dead violinist.

Sunday was the recovery day. Went to Mayslack's for a few beers, and passed out around 1 AM. Fitting end to a great weekend.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Pruple Reign, Purple Reign

God, Adrian Peterson is amazing. Watching Peterson run is like watching a fighter jet take off, except I've never seen a jet take off in person and I think Peterson may be more powerful. The 70-something yard run AP busted off tonight (first play from scrimmage no less) looked so effortless and powerful that I really have nothing I have seen in sports to compare it to. Maybe, just maybe, it matches MJ gliding to the hoop or Ken Griffey Jr's swing.

Oh, and Favre looked okay. Seeing the Ol' Gunslinger (whom I have wished more than my share of harm on in my day) in Purple is still like seeing your enemy snuggle with the love of your life, but I think I can take that kind of nausea if the Lombardi Trophy is paraded down Hennepin in February.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ken Griffey's Grotesquely Swollen Jaw

Tonight was the biggest cumulative ass whipping I have ever been a part of in softball. I think the other teams scored a combined 75 runs to our 20 or so. It sucks, I'm sore, kinda heartbroken, and sweaty.

But on my way home I stopped at Holiday and witnessed someone buying only a Hawaiian Punch and a Blunt paying in change being rung up by a cashier with the sides of his head shaved and a gel shell on top, and it made everything all better.

Oh, and R.I.P Teddy Kennedy. I'm not exactly sure what you did (or, for that matter, what ANY of the fucking Kennedy's did beside possibly Eiffel Tower Marylin Monroe) to improve American society. But you did love the broads and you loved scotch and you once DD'ed and killed some party slut, so I guess your more than okay in this guys book...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Stuff Kids Go For

The last year has been absolutely abominable for least I thought so until recently. Today, both Pearl Jam and Weezer released new singles (Pearl Jam going with "The Fixer" and The Weeze going with the succinctly titled "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To"). Both songs rock my socks, going in a very poppy direction for two bands not known for slinging pop candy. The Weezer song is up on some 70s bubblegum nonsense and was produced by my favorite purveyor of nonsense (Butch Walker) while "The Fixer" sounds like the Pearl Jam that kicked our asses on the last disc, except happy.

The other song/group I am totally gay for recently is Passion Pit, whose "Manners" disc has really not left the iPod/CD player in the last couple of weeks. The key track is "Little Secrets" which is the happiest song ever and makes me want to white boy dance.

Oh, and the new Brendan Benson is grand also...but that was to be expected after "The Alternative To Love." Anything else would have been a letdown.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Clearance Rack Cavalcade 8/22/09

Since I haven't actually updated this thang in two weeks, I'm gonna give you two for one on the CD reviews...

Big Black "Songs About Fucking"
This albums title may mislead those who are looking to spice up the bedroom. When I think of songs that may be about fucking, I think of things like "The Lemon Song" or anything by Prince before he turned Jay-Hov. God only knows what kind of fucking Big Black was going off about, but I assume it involved fishhooking, choking, and in all likelihood, an appearance by TT Boy. Overall though, the CD wasn't a terrible purchase. Their cover of "The Model" sounded like Kraftwerk backed by Nine Inch Nails, and the song "Colombian Necktie" has a pretty kickass drum going for it. I guess a more apt title would have been "Songs to Do Speed To".

PJ Harvey "To Bring You My Love"
I was always a little leery of diving into the PJ Harvey pool, mainly because her videos always scared me when I was a youngun. But then I bought "Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea" on clearance and liked the fuck out of it. So I delved into "To Bring You My Love" head-on. TBYML already had a familiar song in it with "Down By The Water"(which reminds me of middle school and the fact that the local alternative station seemed to have a constant battle between "Down By The Water" and "Lighting Crashes" by Live as to who could have more airplay in the Spring of 1995). The deeper cuts, like "C'mon Billy" and "Send His Love To Me" aren't as "radio friendly" as "Down By The Water" (which, if were released today, would never sniff the top 40 at any format) but are just as effective, and dare I say, sort of sexy in a creepy way. Worth my Jefferson, and then some.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

For The Movies...

God, there were a lot of ugly people at Target tonight. And they weren't your standard unattractive types. They were the ones wearing dirty white Looney Tunes T-Shirts and had rolls spilling out of tank tops. Made me almost think twice about buying that sack of Pizza Rolls...

Anyways, I heard that some sexy celeb chick from Gossip Girl had a homemade porn floating around on the internet. So, like any good meaning American citizen, I searched for it. All I got was some stills...a huge disappointment. It was the same bullshit I dealt with trying to get me some naked Erin Andrews.

Amazingly, I think I like looking at naked celebs fucking more than I actually like trying to find willing women for myself. I have no clue why. I mean, I actually watched the Tonya Harding porn just to see what it was all about. I ended up laughing, mainly because her hubby kind of looked like an old supervisor I had named Mike T. But the point is, I still watched. I would probably watch a Kirstie Alley/John Goodman porn if one ever gets leaked. Because they are naked and famous.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Random Discs 8/4/09

So on the way to work today, I had the ol iPod on random. A Manic Street Preachers song called "Ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayit'sworldwouldfallapart" came on, and I thought to myself, "I am the only fucking person I know who owns this CD." Mind you, that doesn't make the music earth shattering or myself some special music savant, it just means that I enjoy some random shit. So here's a short list of CDs I own that I guarantee none of my inner and outer circles (around 50 people owns):

Manic Street Preachers-The Holy Bible
Kind of a cross between Oasis and a hardcore punk band, they later on became a watered down Oasis/Britpop styled band. But this CD was pure fire.

Suede-Dog Man Star
Another Britpop group, this kind of sounds like slow-Bowie fronted by a tranny who has great shoes.

Robbie Williams-Sing When You're Winning
Too bad this dude got no shine in the U.S. besides a few low charting singles ("Millenium" and "Angels") because this CD rules. Witty, sensitive, glammy and pensive all in one package. Note: I also own the Robbie Williams standards album "SWING When You're Winning" which is absolute shit.

Rockpile-Seconds of Pleasure
On which Nick Lowe and Dave Edmunds team up to sing rockabilly. Incredible power pop.

The Magnetic Fields-69 Love Songs
69 songs about love, being in love, hating love, all sung in different styles, but having a very chamber pop vibe.

XTC-Oranges and Lemons-
Not the best album ever, but it has the two best XTC songs ("King For a Day" and "The Mayor of Simpleton"). As if there is anyone who reads this actively judging XTC songs....

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Street Dancing In The Dark

Holy shit, I need to quit drinking...this weekend was even more drunken and strange than the last.

Friday started with a trip to the Southhaven Muni On/Off Sale bar, where Kammies were done and cheap beer drank. DJ Funky Monkey was rockin her set (which consisted of David Allan Coe, Buckcherry and Union Underground) and Heggie's pizza was taken from the Annandale Fire Department's banquet table.

I think the Kamikaze put the crew over the top, because on the way home, the whip was ghost rode down a dirt road to A Tribe Called Quest. Having never ghost rode the whip before, I can say it was quite the thrill.

Saturday started with a trip to the Wright County Swap Meet, where magic always happens. A wedding photo of Sonny and Cher was purchased (not by me), along with a Richard Marx CD (by me). The real fun started when we all started drinking around noon, which led to the longest Polish golf game ever ( I think around two hours) which I lost after leading 20-2.

Then, onto the street dance. The scenery at the street dance wasn't all I hoped for, but there was a woman who had a Diane Lane quality that all the young dudes found endearing. There were also jalapeno poppers and more kammies. After getting really really drunk, we went to an after bar at some dude named Bear's house out in the woods.

Bear's bar was a little overwhelming. It was lit with red light bulbs and had dollar bills, panties, and Bears and Cardinals memorabilia all over the fucking place. It also seemed that Bear didn't want any dudes in his house. When his kid started yelling "I'm in the fucking Navy" drunken me decided it was probably time to go.

Great times though...'cept I might not go back to the Bear Cave next time.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Embarrassing Albums 7/20/09

This blog begins with a disclaimer: I fucking hate Don Henley. He is a curmudgeonly old man who won't let chunky housewives sing his songs at karaoke. The songs he sang with the Eagles pale in comparison to anything Glen Frey or Joe Walsh did. Oh, and there is something vaguely creepy about his political agenda.

That being said, I love Don Henley's 1989 album "The End of the Innocence." This is probably the first time I have confessed that little tidbit, but it needs to be said. Not only do I own TEOTI on CD, I also have it on vinyl...and I am damn proud of it.

Enough with the "how?" though. More on the "why?"

Part of my love for this disc may because it was one of only four CDs my parents owned from 1989 to 1992 (along with Vanilla Ice, Wilson Philips and The Best of Kansas). Needless to say, the only CDs that actually got play were Don Henley and the Kansas best of. So familiarity may have bread my love.

Another part of the love may be the world weary view the album takes. Ol' Don just sounds beat down, kinda pissed off about it, but RESIGNED to his failures. Even in a song called "I Will Not Go Quietly" Henley doesn't really sound like he's going to bring the motherfuckin' ruckus. And really, what is better than being resigned that life isn't roses and wine?

The best three songs on TEOTI are the three top 40 hits ("The Heart of the Matter", "The Last Worthless Evening" and the title track). They are also the most earnest. Much of what Henley did with the Eagles seemed plastic and bitter (see "Life In The Fast Lane") and none of the three I listed have that quality. So, in "the long run" that is why "The End of the Innocence" remains an embarrassing album that I hold dear to me.

Plus, W. Axl Rose sings backups on the album. How fucking weird is that?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Lake Michigan 09: Own It!

Holy shit I am drained...long long weekend spent in Wisconsin. Lots of drinking, lots of cheese, lots of strangeness that will probably never be matched in the annals of my bar going (and there has been plenty of that).

Friday night we arrived in Manitowoc after a 5 hour drive and hit up a hotel bar that had karaoke. Many dollar taps were consumed, in a setting that could be described as "biker friendly." There was also a ferry boat enthusiast who dressed like Bernie from "Weekend at Bernies" and a chubby dude named Tommy Lee who sang "Amish Paradise" by Weird Al Yankovic. At bar close, we stumbled home while singing "Kiss From a Rose" and also fighting rocks and flower beds.

Saturday can be summed up by the following sequence: Cheese shop, townie acoustic festival, cheese curds, drunken croquet, homemade gourmet pizza, dive bar. The dive bar was called Kenny B's, and 90% of the crowd were either A)raging lesbians or B)pre-op transsexuals. It was insane to see, especially in a town of only 30,000 people. The karaoke there was also insane, lots of Alice Cooper. The highlight for me was when Nate did "A Lapdance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying" by the Bloodhound Gang(which will probably never be in a karaoke book again). Anyways, it was an insane weekend, but very fun.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Denver Day 2

Sorry about the lateness of this post, hectic ass beginning of the week with return to work and softball and such...

Denver day two started out with a cheap ass breakfast at a cafe downtown. I had a Chorizo Hash and a Bloody Mary, and my bill ran 10 bucks. After that, I hit up some bowling at Lucky Strike Lanes (an uber trendy 3rd floor bowling alley with loungers and a Bloody Mary Bar). I bowled a 163 the first game, and around an 80 the second game (in which I got absolutely worked by Nikki, who hadn't bowled in like 10 years).

After bowling, it was a walk to Coors Field in the pouring rain. Once in the field though, the rain stopped, and I took in the scenery. Awesome stadium, laid back fans. We stood right on the bullpen rail in center, where we saw D-Backs pitcher Clay Zavada's amazing waxed moustache (aka "Face Salad"). Even though I wasn't too in to the game in the beginning (I HATE NL baseball unless its the Cubs) it got exciting later on when the D-Backs put up 11 runs in three innings.

And, that's about it. The ride home sucked, but it was well worth it, and I will be going going back back to Denver Denver sometime in the future.

FOR TOM KLICK: How much shit should we give Nick tomorrow for Sakic retiring?

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Denver Day 1.5

Operation Get In To Denver began at 7 PM Thursday with a planned rendezvous point of Omaha around 1 AM. Driving through Iowa was going to be a bitch, and it was, but for unexpected reasons. The entire state smelled like a cross between youth football equipment and pig shit. Probably the most horrendous smell that one could smell, AND IT LASTED THE LENGTH OF THE STATE!

Anyways, we arrived in Omaha around 12:30 AM. A hotel was booked downtown for 50 bucks, which gives you an idea of how hoppin Omaha is. There was absolutely no one on the streets. It was like St.Paul on a Wednesday, except more boring. Really strange.

After sleeping a few hours and loading up on caffeine, we continued our journey west. I ate lunch at a place called Runza, which is a Nebraska only fast food chain that serves meat pies. It was the most awful food stuff I have ever consumed. Instead of the luscious meat pie I was expecting, I got something the same taste and consistency as a Hot Pockets Sub. Plus, the place smelled like a nursing home and was loaded with a bunch of ugly corn fed Nebraskans. Such a disappointment...

Finally, we arrived in Denver around 5. Denver is much larger and cleaner than I expected. The downtown area has a strip that is what Block Eshould be. Very vibrant, a nice mix of chain stores and local restaurants and bars, and a free bus that runs the length of the mall.

One of the bars had a drink called Rastafarian Punch, which was like a Tied To The Bedpost at Gasthof's, except bigger and cheaper. The bar also had lamb burgers and numerous other cheap drinks. Needless to say, I partook. And I ended up passing out at 11:30 due to the "altitude."

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson

This has got to be the strangest celeb death ever...which is fitting, because it happened to the most off the wall celeb of them all.

Michael Jackson dying is like Disneyland or McDonalds dying. This may sound crass, but its not meant to be. Michael Jackson was a cultural institution, for both good and bad reasons. Good because he produced some of the greatest R&B tracks of all time, and bad because he allegedly abused children and could not get his personal house in order (and the news media ate that up). And, truthfully, so did I. One of my favorite memories is getting absolutely hammered in Cody Stevens basement and watching "Living With Michael Jackson" on VHS to see the shit show that his life had become.

I think the real reason people are reacting to this so fervently is because it is a sort of sendoff of childhood for people in my age group. He was THE dominant pop culture force during the 80s and early 90s, a touchstone for my generation. Also, I think the music took a back seat to the creepier aspects of his personality over the last 15 or so years, and people are realizing how innovative some of those songs were. Even the drivel from the early days ("The Girl Is Mine", "Girlfriend", "Dirty Diana") kicks a lot of the other pop music of the times ass.

So in honor of the musical side of the biggest pop star of my lifetime, I'm going to do a rundown of my top 10 MJ songs, both solo and with the Jackson 5 (whom people tend to forget when discussing his career, but were really one of the best bands of the early 70s. Their first three

10."The Way You Make Me Feel"
9."The Love You Save"
7. "One More Chance"
6."Rock With You"
5."The Girl Is Mine"
4."I Want You Back"
3. "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)"
2."Don't Stop Til You Get Enough"
1."Billie Jean"

And there are so many others from that time period...the original version of "State of Shock" with Freddie Mercury instead of Mick Jagger springs to mind. Too bad his last good music came out in 1991...still, I always felt he had one great song left in him. I guess the world will never know now.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Fox-y Lady? aka A Treatise on Megan Fox

So I got called "a gay" today for not finding Megan Fox attractive. This isn't the first time either.

I don't know what it is, this chick just doesn't do it for me. I think there are a few factors that lead to my un-attraction to what seems to be the Hollywood "I'd fuck that" it girl of the last year and a half. I will detail those factors for you now.

1) Her face - Ol' Foxy Fox's mug just doesn't do it for me. She has a permanent scowl in most pictures I have seen, and there is some weird Joan Crawford shit going on with those eyebrows of hers. And, to top it all off, her eyes are oddly spaced.

2) Her brain - Once, I heard that she likes to fart. Then, I read that her Transformers clothes smelled "like farts". Clearly, something is wrong with this broad. Nothing disgusts me more than women talking about bodily functions. NOTHING! Don't get me wrong, I love a chick who thinks like a man in certain aspects, but not about farting. God, no.

3)Her "talent" - What has she been in? Transformers? Thats it, right? Oh, and Maxim. Seeing as how I never saw the first Transformers(but, admittedly, thought it LOOKED cool) maybe I missed out on the sex appeal. But still, show me something else. Maybe a cute little romantic comedy I watch on the sly without my boys knowing, or a drama where you go to Africa like DSL Angelina Jolie.

Maybe its me, I don't know. I mean, I find certain celebs attractive (I won the "you just don't like her because we all like her" argument at work because I detailed what I would do to Jessica Biel) but just not this little cookie of love.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I'll Be Your Natural Selection

So whilst watching Sports Center tonight (its come down to Sports Center and more Sports Center as the only thing I can watch on TV) I saw a commercial for Natural Light. Ah yes, Natty Light...the beer every poor kid drank in college. Except for my crew, who was more discerning, and drank Old Style, Grain Belt, and Pabst if we wanted to do it on the cheap.

The thing that struck me about seeing a Natural Light ad was that I had never seen one before. Without any advertising, one of the shittiest beers brewed by the shittiest brewery (Anheuser-Busch) is the #6 selling beer in the U.S.A. Natty Light is the equavalent of one admits to liking it, girls go "whooo" in its presence, and its really popular with frat boys.

Personally, I never have even considered buying that shit...except for the time I saw a 30 banger of it in Chicago for $8.99. That would come out to 30 cents a can! Actually, I think the only time I actively consumed the Natty was when I played flippy cup at a house party in Bloomington where I knew nobody. That one time was enough for me, 30 cents per 12 oz or no 30 cents per 12 oz.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Chicago Day 2

Day two started off with a train ride down to Wrigleyville. We didn't have tickets to the game, so a group decision was made to go bar hopping. The area was PACKED with Twins fans, Saturday being better than Friday by probably about 70/30. Cubs fans weren't as jovial as the previous day, giving us a lot of shit about coming into their territory and giving off a overall kind of defeated vibe (not that the defeated vibe is anything new for a Cubbies fan).

After the Twins sealed the deal, we went to a newish bar that had $2 Old Styles. That's when the fun began. A group of about 15 Minnesotans, mainly dudes,were having a dance off in the corner We stayed there for about 2 hours, and stumbled out into the streets to drunkenly take pictures and rabble rouse with other Twins fans (and strangely enough, one really depressed Washington Nationals fan). Then we hopped a train downtown.

The train was nothing but drunk Twins fans chanting some awesome nonsense. A few chant examples were "Frank The Tank" and "KFC." The dude who was presumably Frank The Tank tried to use my brothers girlfriends rack as a hand rail, and also missed his stop. Yet, no one seemed too annoyed with the Tank's shenanigans.

Drunk as all getup, we ambled about downtown, where a man's car from Ontario had broke down. Instead of thinking that (the logical choice), we all assumed that he was Ghostriding the Whip down State Street. So we chanted "Ghostride the Whip" at him instead of making any effort to help. I stand firm that this was the right decision...

After we sort of kind of sobered up, we had a less than good meal at Rock Bottom Brewery. Then, it was time for home, where some of the party tried to keep the hotel pool open past 10PM, to no avail.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Chicago Day 1

So the day started off at 2am, with the drive down. Fortunately, no one fell asleep at the wheel and we arrived in the Windy City around 10am.

Immediaiately after checking in, we hopped on a train to Wrigley. It was my third time in the Friendly Confines so I kind of knew what to expect...lots of well behaved Cubs fans and a relaxed atmosphere. What I didn't expect was the swarm of Twins fans. I would say probably 60 percent of the crowd was pro-Twin. And when Joe Mauer went yard, the place got loud. Like Dome loud.

After the game, Wrigleyville was so packed with Twins supporters it was hard to move. So we took a train back to the suburbs and went for some Giordanos. As always, the combonation of cheese, tomatos and flaky pie crust put me in heaven.

Because no one had slept in nearly 36 hours, we decided to just go pick up some beer at 7-Eleven and call it a night. Saving all our downtown energies for tonight was the plan

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Take A Letter, Maria

Sorry about the lack of posts lately, I just haven't really been in the mood to write. My grandmother passed away last Friday morning and I haven't really been up to the challenge of slinging together a good rant, a music review, or a softball story.

I'm going to start fresh this weekend...I'm going to Chi-City for Cubs-Twins at Wrigley and I will be dragging along the Laptop for another running Chicago daily journal. So get prepared for stories involving Old Style, pizza, and brahskis...not in that order hopefully.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Top 6 Cover Songs by Pussy Sounding Bands

Any cock rocking stud with a mullet can rock the house with a cover...but it takes a special breed of emo sounding twerp to make something as good as the following six reworkings. In no particular order, here are the six best cover songs done by bands whose ass you could probably kick.

Want-Lagwagon (originally by Jawbreaker)
The quintessential emo jam, with a chorus of “I want you, I want you” sung ad infinum. The original is a bit garbled due to poor recording and Jawbreaker’s lead singer sounding like he gargled glass. Lagwagon sweetens the deal a bit, and the result is sublime romantic longing.

On With The Show-Get Up Kids (originally by Motley Crue)
A cautionary tale about being bad, never good and getting murdered with a switchblade…but still having to go on with the show. Not only was this covered by the Get Up Kids, it was also covered by the even pussier MXPX on their covers album in the late 1990s. Strangely, Vince Neil’s vocals and the Get Up Kids vocals are almost the same.

Game Of Pricks-Jimmy Eat World(originally by Guided by Voices)
One of the best rock songs of the 1990s gets re-did by Jim Adkins and company. Clocking in at around two minutes, its dark lyrics are lost all in the bounce of the music.

Somebody’s Baby-Phantom Planet (originally by Jackson Browne)
Here’s the deal with covers (at least for me): I like em almost the same as the original (probably one of the reasons I think Cat Power kind of sucks). “Somebody’s Baby” is a stellar chunk of American cheese by a guy who did much better work (see his self titled disc or “Running on Empty”). The chamelions in the Planet don’t try to re-invent the wheel, and that is why this cover clicks.

Boyz In The Hood-Dynamite Hack (originally by Easy-E)
Where the fuck did these guys go? This slice of white boy prep via Compton candy is why we all bought the album. Then, after finding out these guys sounded kind of like Weezer on both downers AND speed at various points, it was love. Then, nothing else. Sure they were a novelty band, but they coulda been contenders

A Little Respect-Wheatus (originally by Erasure)
Either you hate this song or love it (if you have ever even heard it). A man with the whiniest, most nasal voice ever in pop music covers a song by one of the most gay friendly pop groups of the 80s (Erasure released an ABBA EP, for chrissakes). Personally, I love it. And so did the UK (where it hit top 5 in 2000).

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Cabin Parade II: Still Cabinin'

Memorial Day 2K9 was quite the festivius. Some of the highlights:

-Playing Scruples with a bunch of 15 year olds
-Buying 9 LPs (including one autographed by Eddie Money!) for 33 cents each at the Wright County Swap Meet
-Going into a townie bar in Kimball with 200 bikers on their way to a memorial ride. THEN being told by our waitress "I'm gonna give you a minute, and hopefully you'll be ready by the time I get back" in a very unfriendly tone
-Playing lawn darts in the dark and somehow hitting a bulls eye
-Getting my head shaved

But now I am snapped back to reality with work and such. And I will probably never find an Eddie Money album for 33 cents (let alone an autographed album) ever again.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Ben Utecht...Really?

So I was browsing what was new on iTunes because I don't want to tempt my bank account with sexy CD shopping at a brick and mortar...and I came across former U of M great Ben Utecht's new self titled CD. This has got to be the most out of left field (or maybe out of left end?) CD released by a pro athlete ever. We are all accustomed to NBA player releasing discs (remember K.O.B.E I L.O.V.E U and Ron "Bitches don't give a shit about my wifey" Artest almost came to blows last night in the playoffs!) but this has got to be the first CD by a tight end ever.

The only other NFL player that pops to mind is Mike Reid, an all pro lineman with the Bengals in the 70s who wrote "I Can't Make You Love Me." And, of course, Samurai Mike, The Punky QB Known as McMahon, and Sweetness...

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Clearance Rack Cavalcade 5/5/09

This time for the CRC, I think I will actually speak on a CD I purchased because I wanted to hear it...

"Stubbs The Zombie: The Soundtrack"

The great thing about the clearance rack at ANY record store is that you can find that elusive CD you were going to pick up on Amazon a few weeks prior, but just didn't because you spent too much money at the Palace or on truffle fries. Anyways, this happened to me with this soundtrack to an XBOX game I have never even heard of.

"Stubbs The Zombie" features the creme de la creme of indie music covering 50s and early 60s songs. You get Ben Kweller doing "Lollipop," The Ravonettes doing "My Boyfriends Back" and The Walkmen doing "There Goes My Baby." Very good stuff, especially Death Cab For Cutie's "Earth Angel" (the most earnest song ever sung by the most earnest group ever) and Cake covering "Strangers in the Night" (John McCrea would kill his mom to be a lounge singer and they even sang a song called "Frank Sinatra"). The only song that drags is Flaming Lips doing "If I Only Had A Brain," which feels sort of out of place. Anyways, a great little 2 dollar treasure that I would have paid at least 7 dollars for.

Verdict: 8/10

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Clearance Rack Cavalcade 4/30/09

There is a scene in the movie Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise's character asks Penelope Cruz if she would like to listen to Jeff Buckley or something else. She replies (and I am paraphrasing) "I want to listen to both at the same time."

This perfectly sums up how I feel about music. It sucks that I cannot listen to four or five songs at a time. I think this is why I frequent the cutout bin at HPB. I mean, I will buy ANYTHING in that CD bin. Once a week, I'm going to pick one of the cream of the crop (or the crap) and give a little write up of my impressions. And the first one I've chose is a doozy....

Jim Rome "Welcome To The Jungle"
You know the old saying about not turning away from a car crash? That was me when I purchased this. Jim Rome is one of the most annoying human beings walking today, and if there is any justice in this world, he, Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith will be locked in a cage for a deathmatch someday. But I digress.

From what I could glean from this atrocity, Rome (ever the egomaniac) took dialogue from his radio show and put songs by G n R, Kurtis Blow and the Crystal Method behind the rants. There is also a song about the 1996 Colorado Avalanche on the CD for some reason, and "Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio?" without Rome talking about Ramon Martinez over it. Honestly, I could only take about 30 seconds of each "song" before it was yanked out of the Focus. I mean, this thing was dated 20 seconds after it was released (I even heard a Tom Candiotti reference!).Who greenlit this shit?

I should give fair warning. If I ever make you a mix, there probably will be something from this CD on it.

Rating: -10/10

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A Sunday, None More Lazy

Ahhh...absolutely nothing to do today. Accomplishing nothing, except listening to music and going to McDonald's for a snack wrap.

While eating one of those snack wraps, I flipped on MTV Hits. In between Lily Allen buying stuff and J-Timbo getting his ear licked by Ciara, I saw probably the most disjointed video ever. Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" confused me and left me with a strange, empty feeling (like if you saw your cousins making out in a closet on Christmas). Here is what I gleaned from the video:

-Lady Gaga may be into bestiality (she raises from a pool in a unitard with a disco ball on her face and cuddles with two huge fucking Great Danes)
-L.G. (as I will now refer to her) really likes gay guys. That is all that is chillin at her really creepy house party. She also enjoys kissing them
-Judging from her gay guy onscreen kiss, L.G. looks like she may be the best kisser ever

I don't know what any of this means, but it makes me wish for the days of Madonna fucking the ground in a wedding dress and the surrounding controversy from it. Because if L.G. passes for the status quo today, then we are all quite possibly fucked.

UPDATE: I just saw the "Just Dance" video. Much more of the same, except Akon is in an orgy, there is a hipster in a blazer and Charlotte Hornets Starter hat (and L.G. hooks up with him) and L.G. fucks a plastic Shamu in a kiddie pool. If someone can tell me what this all means, please do.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

What A Pity, You Don't Understand

Today, while mindlessly surfing those internets, I came across a website that has complete Billboard charts from the past. Curious, I typed in my is what came out:

I always knew Mickey was #1 the day I was born, but whats really interesting is the songs below the top 40. Zapp, Vanity 6, "Its Raining Men". Some really strange stuff down there.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Bordersline, Feel Like I'm Going To Lose My Mind

National Record Store Day, ah, what a funny little holiday that will be redundant in 10 years when all we have is Wal-Mart for the hicks to purchase their Kenny Chesney CDs and the latest web downloadable portal to purchase the new Britt-Britt comeback single.

But anyways, I went to my local Down In The Valley to purchase some of the vinyl that was being shilled as "today only." I didn't cop the My Morning Jacket and Black Kids 10" (didn't have em') but I did get the Flaming Lips/Black Keys split on aqua seafoam green. The Lips cover of Borderline is good in the way that most Lips covers is, it doesn't really play by the rules of the OG song but you can still recognize the good parts. And the Beefheart cover by the Black Keys just sounds like a Black Keys song, before Danger Mouse effed that all up.

After that, I got worked in tennis.

After THAT, I went on a Borders mini tour because they are selling off all their CDs for 50% off. Here's what I scored:
"Diana and Marvin"-Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
"RAM"-Paul McCartney
"Rocket To Russia"-Ramones
"Changing Horses"-Ben Kweller
"Stink"-The Replacements
"Truth"-Jeff Beck (with Rod Stewart singing lead)
Total spent: $32.

And there was plenty of stuff I had to put back. Probably shouldn't have dropped 32 bucks, but eating mac n'cheese for the next week will be worth it with all the new music I can listen to.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I Want To Soak Up The Sunkist

Great Easter weekend...I almost puked on my shoes Friday night after one to many Tied To The Bedposts (and a heady mix of allergy medication). Thankfully I only hit a random tree somewhere off of Emerson and 27th.

Saturday led to some hungover as hell practice and more drinking at night. One sweet side effect of the TTTBs and puking the night before was that I could down a 12 banger of Molson Canadian without repercussion this morning. Then, I went over to mommy and daddys to get my Easter basket. Thank you Zombie Jesus.

One thing I did notice this weekend that kind of pissed me off was that Sunkist changed their can style. I was rummaging through my friends fridge at 6 am trying to find anything to erase a serious case of cottonmouth, and I came across a Diet Sunkist. The can wasn't the familiar one I have known and loved since the 80s. To me, the Sunkist can represents all the fun and excitement of summers of my youth. I know its weird and corny, but its true. The new can killed a little bit of my childhood.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Think I'll Have Another Glass of Mexican Wine

I just spent the last five days down in Cancun, in the nicest resort I will ever set foot in (mainly because that shit was $800 bucks a night, and I will never be able to afford that ever). Gotta give a big thanks to Jeff for taking me down there.

Cancun overall was pretty much what I expected. Lots of hawkers, chain restaurants, and guys that all looked like George Lopez. The Cancun flea market absolutely sucked. I hate being pressured into doing anything, and tons of dudes getting in my face trying to sell me frat boy Corona shirts is not my scene. But I did manage to get two Cohibas, which will be enjoyed at a later date.

The resort, on the other hand, was not at all what I expected. In fact, it was much more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. All inclusive is fucking amazing. Nothing but top shelf booze, free room service and "infinity pools". First night there, I got shit faced on Jack Daniels, and preceded to eat my self stupid on sushi. Honestly, for someone who likes the hooch as much as me, having a FUCKING DISPENSER in your room that spits out Johnny Walker Black, Absolut, Bacardi and some sort of tequila is about as close to heaven as I ever hope to get. I regret that I didn't drain that sumbitch of its contents (I was too busy having the swim up bartender make me crazy tequila drinks).

The only real downside to the trip was the sunburn. And that I didn't get to eat a tripe burrito from some dude selling out of a Home Depot bucket.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Konvict, GAGA!

This is the realest thing I have said in a long time...

11:47pm Jake
GaGa reminds me of what a gay guy would find hot if he actually liked to fuck women

Don't ask me why I was discussing Lady GaGa on Facebook, only know the quote for its truth.

Oh, and MTV will be playing videos from 3AM to 9AM again starting Monday I guess. Hmmm...reality TV not so hot anymore?

Anyways, off to Cancun in a day. Still scared shitless about flying in a plane, but oh well. The things that we sacrifice for fun.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Day 'N" Nite

Spring means baseball/softball. I celebrated the first day of real Spring today by going out and smacking the ball around a bit. And I hit really well, I think it was the Jeff Bagwell knee bends between pitches that did it. Or it could have been the fact that I didn't jerk my head around like an epileptic when the ball came towards the plate. Anyways, good day, except I feel like I have sunburn on the back of my neck and facial region.

In other news, while I was on my marathon 21 hour workday Tuesday to Wednesday, I had to drive the company van to Wal-Mart at 4:30 in the morning. When I am up at such an ungodly hour, I like to tune into the radio, because the DJs don't have to play the playlist and usually just throw random shit on. That's when I heard "Day 'n' Nite" by Kid Cudi.

The song sounds like something that should have been on the "Party Zone" in 1992. All Acid House synth, a sorta siren, and some lyrics about a lonely stoner who frees his mind at night. And I enjoy it immensely. After researching this guy a little, it turns out hes a Kanye disciple., which figures, because this is the gayest gay club sounding song to get played on pop radio since "Move This" by Technotronic. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Pea-Tear, Griffin

Family Guy just had a three minute Conway Twitty performance spliced into the middle of tonight's episode (with no reasoning whatsoever). Wow, how lazy can one writing staff be?

To think, I used to look forward to Family Guy. But in the last two seasons, the show has gone to such absolute shit that it is impossible to watch.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Fashion Shoots With Beck and Hanson

So me and a co-worker got to talking about "Midnite Vultures" today, and I realized I haven't listened to that album all the way through in like three years (this is what happens when you own 2000 discs). So I got to listening, and I forgot about how much it kicks ass. I also forgot that "Beautiful Way" was on there (I thought for sure it was on "Mutations"). Listening also made me realize that Beck was probably listening to A LOT of Kool Keith at the time, because "Hollywood Freaks" sounds like a PG rated cut off of "Dr. Octagonecologyst".

"Midnite Vultures" makes me long for the days of yore, where Beck may have been the biggest pop star in the land. I mean, when "Odelay" came out, everyone had to own it, all four of the singles ("Where It's At", "Devils Haircut", "The New Pollution" and "Jack-Ass") were on MTV and alt rock radio (which was the top 40 of the day) constantly. The "Where Its At" video was for sure the what the fuck moment from the album, the moment you knew it was going to be huge. For me, the cuts were "The New Pollution" and "Lord Only Knows". It was like listening to the radio in 1966 if the aliens had invaded. Hopefully, some day there will be an artist to come out of nowhere and shake up the game like that again.

Monday, March 09, 2009

An Ode To A Dorito

Snack chips are like women. Some stay around for years and you don't appreciate them (Nacho Cheese Doritos), some you have when you are young, but then they disappear (those Pizza chips that Keebler made), and leave you wistful and longing. And some knock you on your ass, take control of your being and make you want them worse than anything else.

I had a chip tonight that knocked my socks off. Doritos released a "Midnight" line of chips that come in two flavors: Jalapeno Popper and Late Night Taco. I chose the Jalapeno Popper ones, and I am glad I did. Just the right amount of spice, just the right amount of tang. A great lingering flavor. Too bad they probably won't be around for very long.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Crunchy Granola Suite

The Atomic Punks are dead, long live the Atomic Punks.

Maybe it was the venue that caused my disdain for the Atomic Punks show on Saturday (Pickle Park is like an Applebees with a stage, I almost got into a fight in the Men's room with a hilljack who looked like he had AIDS) but I think it was the new lead singer. Cover bands are supposed to rock and be a rollicking good time. Especially VH cover bands. Last nights show was workmanlike and boring.

E.L.nO, on the other hand, owned Lees Liquor Lounge on Friday night with their between song banter, their Jeff Lynne wigs, and of course, their dead on Electric Light Orchestra covers. The crowd was feeling it, I was feeling it, and the band was feeling it above all else. The Jeff Lynnes know that the audience is in on the joke, unlike the Punks, who played it like they WERE Van Halen.

In other news, after coming home drunk as all getup off of shitty Miller Light and Raspberry Commies, I had a dream that I visited "the granola capital of the U.S" which was located in the region between Buffalo and Toronto. Why the US capital of granola was partly in Canada, I will never know. What the dream means, I will never know. All I know is I need to have more insane dreams like this after seeing once great cover bands. They are sort of life-affirming.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Crime of the Century

I took a shot at recorded music this evening. It only winged the LP and the CD in the arm (merely a flesh wound!) but still a wound nonetheless.

I bought a whole album off iTunes.

I justify the attack by stating that I only paid $7.99 for the music, and it costs almost $50 online from Amazon or Half. I also justify it by saying its the first Stevie Wonder album before his GOAT run of Music of My Mind, Innervisions, Talking Book, Fufillingness First Finale and Songs In The Key of Life. And Where I'm coming from delivers. Its less experimental than any of the above, and it is more "pop" than the others. Lots of orchestra, and one of my top 5 Stevie songs (If You Really Love Me).

Still, I may keep this practice to a minimum because there is nothing physical about it. Its like having sex with a drum machine, to quote Beck. All fun while its happening, but somehow cold and not cool afterwards.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

News of the World

The world has been turned upside down...just today we get the news that Vern Gagne got into a fight at an assisted living home with another old timer and the guy eventually died and that some scraggly woman in Connecticut used to get her killer chimp drunk on wine before cuddling him.

And the economy is in the crapper, we have only one Senator, and almost a trillion dollars in funding was committed to the economy. But we can't cover that, because there's killer ex-wrestlers and killer Anthropomorphic Chimps on the loose. Oh, and Flo Rida has another #1 song, which samples a big hit from a transvestite pirate that was big a quarter century ago. You spin me right round indeed.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Life Is The Rock, But The Radio Rolled Me

God damn, I am sick of this seasonal purgatory that is February. The weather around here is what I imagine living in London or Seattle is like, without the good music.

So in honor of this Lazy Sunday (not the SNL short, the Small Faces song) I am doing fuck-all. I dropped 60 bucks at Cub on nonsense, and now I'm contemplating going to the gym while watching The Rock (which is one of the most underrated action movies of the 1990s).

There is a line in the DVD version of the movie where Sean Connery says something like "Losers always say they can do, and winners go home and fuck the prom queen". On basic cable, the line becomes DATE the prom queen. That just sounds ridiculous. I mean, how hard would have it been to say something like "screw" or "lay" the prom queen. I think I found myself a new career, writing more realistic censored lines for re-broadcasts of movies.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Inside Out, Oh Whoa, Inside Out

POST 501! Holy shit, I'm good like Kanye (without the gay overtones...well, with less of them anyways).

In non self congratulatory news, I bought a bunch of CDs today. Actually, I bought seven CDs today. I paid a whopping seven dollars for them because I am willing to dig through a bunch of crap to buy a bunch of mediocre gems. Here is the breakdown (and my justification for buying the discs, because of my goddamn Catholic guilt).

Billy Corgan- The Future Embrace
I bought this because the Smashing Pumpkins kicked ass from 1992-1997. Then, they But I love the whine of Mista Corgan, and I actually didn't mind the Zwan disc. (Note: I actually listened to this one tonight. Not bad, not good, a horrendous cover of "To Love Somebody". Worth about 94 cents).

Phil Collins- Face Value
I bought this disc because it fucking rules! Mainly for "Inside Out" but all the songs are kick ass. I love chillin out to soulful white brothas when I chill in my rambler with a bottle of Becks. Phil fits the bill.

Bruce Springsteen- Devils and Dust
Bought this because its the Boss. And I guarantee there is at least five good songs on it that I will want on my iPod. Twenty cents a song ain't bad at all, even though its on that lame ass DualDisc format that failed miserably.

The Afghan Whigs- What Jail Is Like (EP)
Eight song EP for a band I always wanted more music from

Carolina Liar- Coming To Terms
For those who remember, "I'm Not Over" made my songs of 2008. If the CD only has a cheesy alt pop gem other than that song, then I will be justified like my main man Timberlake.

I only had this on vinyl, and it completes my R.E.M. CD collection (with the exception of "Dead Letter Office" which I also have on LP). Great fucking album and a steal for a buck.

Afghan Whigs-Black Love
"Gentlemen" was a great song and a pretty good album, so I figured the follow up would be an equal blend of soul and grunge.(Note: I listened to this in the car on the way to Old Chi tonight. It is a pretty good CD, but it meanders a bit on the first listen. Worth about 88 cents so far).

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Jesus Of Cool

Over the last ten minutes I have come to a few realizations...

Realization #1-Depressants are 100 times better than stimulants. This realization was brought on by the fact that I pounded out two 24 oz coffees at Dunn Bros and I feel like I could fight a bear. If coffee does this kind of shit to me, I can't even imagine what I would be like if I chose to experiment with coke or meth.

Realization #2-The Bay City Rollers are the most underrated band of all time. I just bought the re-release of Nick Lowes "Jesus Of Cool" and it includes his song "Rollers Show" (which could be tongue in cheek, but I'm not sure). Plus, The Ramones thought they were going to be the second coming of the Rollers, but couldn't pull it off. Anyways, this could be the 48 oz of coffee talking, but now it feels so right.

Realization #3-The NE Palace may be the best bar in Nordeast. I have been there a handful of times now, and every time has been better than the last. Friday featured the gang killing karaoke left and right, me getting zanked out of my skull on NE Punch and PBRs, and people handing me random drinks while I did the running man. Seriously, the Palace is competing with the Pub circa 2003 as the best bar ever.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Super Stoopid

The game yesterday was quite fantastic. Didn't go in rooting for anyone, but had a slight bent towards the Cardinals half way through (I like Larry Fitz, local boy and all). L. Fitz Jr didn't disappoint, but his team did in the long run. By the end, I was looking for some fresh meat, and of course, the meat was familiar.

Feeling slightly amiss with a Steelers victory, I looked up what teams had won a single Super Bowl. There aren't many. In fact, they can almost fit on one hand.

In order...Jets, Chiefs, Bears, Rams, Ravens, Bucaneers.

All the other teams that have won the big dance have taken the game multiple times. Still, the parity in the NFL is better than MLB, where the following one and dones happened:

Royals, D-Backs, Angels

Granted, baseball has a longer history, but even throwing in drought riddled teams like the 2005 White Sox and the 1995 Braves doesn't match the distribution of wealth in football. So, what it boils down to is that hope truly doesn't spring eternal in baseball, but on (almost) any given Sunday, one team of 60 men can beat another team of 60 men for a trophy named Lombardi.