Sunday, December 30, 2007

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

Big Big Ups to Geoff Hill, who is at a Quietdrive VIP party. Jeff, when you're lost and you look you will find me, time after time...

The Pats went 16-0! That number looks fucking fake, because I have never seen it before. If all the sudden you told me that j**(8 was the next number after 5, I would have to believe you, because 16-0 is so fucking unreal.

So tonight I DJed my first wedding. It was the freaking time of my life. I mean, I'm not saying I am going to do this for a career (it helps when you know the bride and groom) but it was fantastic. And I learned a few things from the evening:

  • Women LOVE country. I mean, any fucking country music will do. I played "Hey Ya" and it gots no love. But throw on "Forever and Ever Amen" and watch the circle dancing commence.
  • The three biggest dance floor fillers of all time are 70s RnB, 80s Hair Metal, and 90s Gangsta Rap. I had one guy yell "Winger" at me for two hours before I could play "Miles Away" and another guy tell me to "play the gangsta shit" before I could bump "Nuttin But A 'G' Thang". Oh, and people go ape shit for MJ and Marvin still to this day.
  • Justin Timberlake got 50 people on the dance floor. But so did Prince. Uh-oh.
  • Finally, I want my first dance to be "When I Fall In Love With You It Will Be Forever" by Stevie Wonder if I ever get marriaged.

All in all, Josh and Holly had a wonderful reception. The food was top notch(steak with butter? brownie sundae instead of cake? Amazing!) and the drinks were stiff yet overpriced. A group of people did introduce me to the "Purple Rain" which is a Long Island Iced Tea with the Coke replaced with pomegranate liqueur. Excellent.

Oh, and the guy at the Kwik Trip topped my night perfectly when he asked if I just got off of work. I told him, no, I just got back from DJing a wedding. His stoner response was, "Ahhhh, did you get laid?" When I told him no, he just said, "Shiiiiiiiit."

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Say Something Once, Why Say It Again?

Ahhh, the holiday season. The time of year for avoiding family and for wondering who has a perfectly stereotypical "family Christmas." Personally, I hate family Christmas. Mind you, this is not with my immediate family, who I actually like, but with my extended family, who I would rather not see.

Nine times out of ten, I get asked if I'm still in school, how "the job" is going, and if I have a girlfriend. I like to think of it as a trifecta of questions I don't give a fucking shit about answering. Sometimes, just for shits, one of my uncles will throw in the "still drivin' the Ford?" question, which this year I think I am going to answer with, "Actually I'm not. I actually upgraded to the Lambo. But I do drive the Ford on weekdays sometimes, to save gas. Fuck the goddamn Republicans for causing gas prices to rise, and also for the goddamn-baby Jesus-abortion-gun control-war in Iraq." All those hot button buzz words will certainly get me kicked out of the house, at which point I can enjoy playing my little brothers video games until Santa comes the next morning.

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot to mention my other favorite part of Christmas...the awkward conversation between your nearly same aged cousins and yourself. I have at least four cousins who have some serious legal troubles, and you gotta kind of pussyfoot around those bad boys at the dinner table. I mean, you KNOW how they are doing, so you don't have to ask the trifecta, but you are forced to. It would be rude as hell if you were to ask Cousin Jimmy how his stint in County was after that DWI. Plus, with my fam, the cousins are fond of saying random racist shit about blacks and Arabs for some reason, so you kind of have to avoid any topic that may involve one of those groups of people(such as the NBA or Aladdin). I was trapped into a racist rant once by the "still drivin' the Ford?" question, which led to a discussion on gas prices going up, which lead to my cousin Andy saying two different racial slurs about Arabs AND also referring to them as "Iranis." Ah, horrible's wishing y'all a happy Christmas!

Oh, and in honor of the holiday, here's a little light reading about the man who should replace Santa:

Talk about badass.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

She Acts Just Like A Nurse With All The Other Guys

I turned 25 in the ER of North Memorial in Robbinsdale. Happy fucking birthday.

For those who don't know, I woke up at 3:15 on Tuesday with a horrible pain in my head. By horrible, I mean it felt like someone hit me with a book. Plus, my left eye was red and the left side of my head went completely numb. So, logically, I thought I was having some sort of aneurysm or hemorrhage. My mom came and picked me up, and thank God, the worst fears were not realized. This was accomplished by sticking six inch needles in my spine four seperate times and stuffing me into an MRI for 45 minutes.

After all this fun, I got to spend the next three days in the hell that is a hospital.

Turns out, the spinal tap caused spinal fluid to leak into my back and head. What started out as a pain in the head spread from my lower back all the way back up into my head. So basically, I got way fucking worse before I got better. I ate shitty hospital food. I slept, a lot. I got morphine. I watched the Mitchell Report. I puked, a lot. I read a People magazine. I got absolutely no sympathy from one of my bosses, and total sympathy from the other one. Oh, and I didn't shower for 5 days.

The only positives that came out of my experience was that I had a few good looking nurses, and I did some thinking about my life. Overall, the doctors didn't totally figure out what was wrong with me (something about a "cluster headache" coupled with sleep apnea with a liberal dash of stress)and I'm going to be out thousands of dollars due to no insurance for the time being(it kicks in in about two weeks). Hands down, it was the worst week of my life.

Due to how shitty this all was for me, the Vikings better win the fucking Super Bowl...

Monday, December 10, 2007

It's Bone and Biggie, Biggie

I feel like such an old man. All I have in my wardrobe right now are athletic team shirts and work clothes. I feel like such a tool. A big old, 25 year old tool.

But why pass up sports themed shirts when they are so beautiful? I bought a Kevin Garnett Celtics shirt and a King James Cavs shirt for a total of 30 bucks. Not too bad. Then I bought some soda at Target. At Target, I almost hit two old fake high class broads with my cart. They continued to just stand there, oblivious, talking about hoers d'oeuvres. I have never hated frosted blond hair more than in that moment. I really regret not going off on them.

THE PURP! 7-6! Too bad the freaking Saints feel the need to keep winning. Plus, I am still scarred of the 'Skins. Arizona can eat a bag of Hy-Vee roasted peanuts that Kurt Warner forgot to stock in 1997, and I think the rest of the NFC quit playing meaningful football two weeks ago.

I am kicking myself for not buying the new Ghostface disc Saturday. I mean, I know its gonna be good. I looked at the back of the CD and my heart broke. You CAN judge a CD by its back cover, and this one was a GOAT nominee. It consisted of Ghost in a Jason mask on a throne in a purple robe. So if anyone wants to get their favorite 25 year old Dom DeLouise lookalike a birthday present, make it "Big Doe Rehab."

Oh I almost forgot...I found this on OkayPlayer tonight under some British kids fave rappers..."yeah ive heard rakim and talib kweli - but john cena spits harder and truer than either of them two crusty old faggots."

The Cuts! (MidLife Crisis Version)
MidLife Crisis - Faith No More
Heart- Rockpile
Lost One- Jay-Z
Rebel Rebel - David Bowie
Go To Sleep - Radiohead

Monday, December 03, 2007

Tonight I'm Gonna Break Away, Just You Wait And See

Go Vikings! I can't even believe how super amped I am about the Vikes being 6-6. I predicted a 5-11 season, so any wins from this point on are just feel good times, man! This is like dating the cute innocent girl over the freaky skank and then finding out that the cute innocent girl likes all sorts of deviancy that the freaky skank couldn't fathom. Its also a bit like getting a box of records from Grandma (figuring its gonna be a bunch of Glenn Campbell and Chipmunks 45) but then pulling out the first Beatles and Stones albums. Yep, the 2007 Vikings are a lot like the scene in Friday where Craig finds the Cap'n Crunch and goes "Yeeh".

Of course, if the Purp made the Super Bowl, they would be beat by the Pats 94-3. But it may be worth it. This is like my anti-1998, no expectations, no alarms and no surprises.

Also, I really don't care if the Twins trade Santana. Fuck, I love Santana almost as much as Chico loves CARLOS Santana, but if we could get someone like Elsbury or Phillip Hughes to build around. I mean, we have Morneau, Mauer, Delmon Young, Cuddy. That's a pretty bad ass lineup.

The Cuts
"Sunshine Superman" Donovan (Shit, anything by this hippie weirdo)
"Black Mirror" Arcade Fire
"Lookin Out The Front Door" Main Source
"The Girl Is Mine" Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney(Because I'm way lame)
"Speeed King" These Animal Men
"I Want To See The Bright Lights Tonight" Richard/Linda Thompson