Tuesday, February 26, 2008

What's My Nayayayayayayuhme?

I'm a mess, my friends are all messes, and I'm pretty sure my extended family are all messes. This is why we give the bit players in our lives nicknames. What makes it even more of a mess is that I'm not even sure other people do this. And even worse, I know that I do not know the good majority of the people's REAL names. Anyways, heres a few of the best ones, and how they came about.

"Gay Gusser"- This dude was some kid who used to go out with Milla and drink. He looked like The Gusser(Gus Johnson), dressed like the Gusser, but loved penis. He hung out with...

"Date Rape"-Date Rape told me that his TKE frat at the U threw killer parties where you could "just finger chicks and they were too drunk to care." He also hung out with Gay Gusser and wore pooka shells. Right, Brah!

"Joan Of Arcadia"-This was a crazy broad that Milla tried to set me up with. She looked like Joan Of Arcadia. I'm not going into details, but there was some cock blocking on my part, and some flaking out.

"Fetus Boy"-One of Millas boys(again). He looked like a fetus. He also rapped along to "Can I Kick It?", did the bus driver, and chased a car down Bryant Ave in his socks in January. All in the course of two hours. I often wonder what happened to Fetus Boy.

"That Whore_____Fucked"-For random whores who got fucked. Not for nice girls, or girls that were not fucked BUT other stuff was done with.

"Ghetto Fabulous(AKA Ghetto Frab or G-Fab)"-A white girl who looked like Mary J. I one time petted her leg and said "Is this shit Sean John?" which got my ear boxed. She also dressed like R Kelly on the cover of TP2.com.

"Teen Wolf"-A dude who looked like Teen Wolf. He made Karkov Screwdrivers, told ribald oral sex stories, and pulled a knife on Jeff. Probably because we were yelling "Teen Wolf" at him.

"Picture Me Rolland"-A strange cat who wanted to befriend me on MySpace but couldn't find me. Because my MySpace name isn't, oh, "Jake Eickholt".

"White Tupac" and "Harland Williams"-Brother pair at a party at Stacy's one month townhouse who were the biggest douche brother pair since the Maloofs. I watched White Tupac puke and pee on some guys house, then got flicked off when I laughed. Harland claimed he was Latin Kings and wanted to kill Christian for no fucking reason.

"Scarecrow Haircrow"-Stereotypical bad haired Valley Girl.

"Josh Bachman's Girlfriend"-Still don't remember her name. All I know is that she worked at Davannis.

"Ash Bash"-A girl that Milla hung out with who allowed us to have 70 people over to her stepdads McMansion. She got her name from the party, which was called "Ash Bash". The party was the only good thing. That and when Cody made out with her while a bunch of people laughed.

"Brewers Shirt"-Some fox that rocked a Brewers little league shirt. I still talk about how sexy Brewers Shirt was

"Andre The Giant"-A dude who looked like Andre Jr from "Final Fight". He also answered a question once with the line, "I don't know about that, but are we all gonna smoke these bomb nuggs that I have?" Very Zen.

And now, for the some of the most legendary nicknames of all time from back in the Farmin' Days! Thats right, its the...
"EmHead"-For the jerkoff catering director at the EBHC back in the day.

"The Mole"-For the other catering director there, Cory. He used to snoop around all the time and then tell on us when we stole shit from catering.

"Goblin Twins"-The janitorial staff who wasn't Tom Cooley at EBHC. One day, Tom Cooley will get a blog about him. The others won't.

"The Robots"-Two sexy catering chicks who will forever remain nameless

"Soup Layday"-MILF soup vendor.

"The Juicer"-If you don't know the Juicer now, you never will. As a matter of fact, I miss that little guy. I was just thinking about when Peter Harold yelled "In Uh Bottle" at him for 10 minutes straight the other day...

"Taytayboyo"-Oh, you'll experiment...I bet $100 that this came from porn GOAT TT Boy somehow.

"Doug E. Fresh"- Doug wanted to kill me very badly.

"John LeFemme"-Was once seen in close proximity with The Juicer.


"Church Grrls"-A group of churchy lafemmes who stunk up the joint.

"Boner or T-Bone"-For Mike T, who was the King of Jams.

Any others I've missed from those who have been a part of the insanity over the last decade?

Monday, February 25, 2008

Did You Realize That You Were A Champion In Their Eyes?

Fucking Wolves. 0-2 in games that I have attended this year. This is a direct contrast to what happened last year, when the Wolves beat the hell out of the Sonics and nipped the Spurs in the two games I went to. Oh well, lets hope that the "rebuilding year" doesn't last until 2010. That seems to be MN sports for you. A few years of excitement, followed by 10 to 12 years of not-even-middle-of-the-road play.

At least we have Big Al...

The Cuts!
"Temptation Eyes"-Grass Roots
"Two Brothers With Checks"-Ultramagnetic MCs
"Can't Stand Me Now"-The Libertines
"Apeman"-The Kinks
"Duffel Bag Boy"-Lil Wayne(I actually don't like this song when sober)

Monday, February 18, 2008

Baby, What A Big Surpirse

Best Buy has been treating me like a dirty little schoolgirl whore for the last few months. It used to be so good to me, giving me little things like new CDs for $7.99 and Madden for $35 bucks all the time. But lately we haven't been talking at all, and I have been seeing other stores (Half Price Books and Target have really been fufilling my every deviant desire). But then yesterday, out of nowhere, the Double B called me...and like a fool in love, I went back into his blue and yellow arms. The promise that brought me back? Gangster flicks for $5 each! I picked up The Godfather I and II, but they had tons of others too. And as if saying to me, "Hey Jake, your butt looks really good in those jeans AND is that a new shirt?" Big Blue (that's my pet name) offered me American Psycho for $4. Baby, to quote Sergio Mendes, I'm never gonna let you go, I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever.

The Cuts!(Every Time I Turn Around I'm Back In Love Again Edition)
-"She'd Rather Be With Me" The Turtles
-"Lover In The Snow" Rivers Cuomo
-"Think About Me" Fleetwood Mac
-"Ain't No Fun(If The Homies Can't Have None)" Snoop Dogg
-"Fooled Around and Fell In Love" Elvin Bishop

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Will You Be My Valentine, When I'm A World Away?

February 14th has come and gone, and good Lord am I a better person for it. For some reason, this Valentine's Day seemed way more hyped than my previous 24. Because of this, those with actual Valentines were ever more annoying, and those without were much more unhappy. I'm not sure why anyone would care about one day over all the others to say "I love you." I truly believe in Valentines Day being a Hallmark bullshit holiday.

That is why I treated V-Day like it was just another Thrusday. I went to Old Chi, played "Monday Morning" by Fleetwood Mac on the jukebox, drank some beers and went to Cheapo. The best part of my day wasn't some candy or a card, but the kickass bottle opener I got for reaching 40 beers on the Beer Tour. Personally, I haven't had a Valentine for 4 years. And I really don't give a flying fuck. It doesn't make me sad, or lonely, or pathetic.

And I know that my mommie will always be my Valentine. I even bet there's a Whitman's Sampler with my name on it waiting at my parents house right now.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Super Stoopid

So I went over to the 'rents tonight, and my brothers and I were talking about sports. Not unusual. I mentioned how the Pats didn't meet the spread, and that cost Vegas huge and there were some grunts of agreement. Still not unusual, until my brother Jordan said, "so who exactly won the game?"


Turns out my brother had turned off the game after Moss scored in the 4th Quarter because he assumed the Pats would win. Somehow he has avoided seeing highlights or reading the paper for the last seven days (he works the third shift at UPS, so this is sort of understandable). In my brothers world, the New England Patriots were 19-0 for a week. The best part was that he has seen the Eli Manning "I'm going to Disney World" commercial multiple times, and just figured Brady or Moss didn't want to do it or that a Patriots helmet was shown at the end of the spot. All I have to say is, what the fuck?

Monday, February 04, 2008

Don't Ask Me, Ask Me, Ask Me How I've Been

How did the Pats blow the Super Bowl? How is Eli Manning going to be able to introduce himself for all time now as "Eli Manning, Super Bowl XLII MVP"? What the hell is going on in the world?

Oh, OK, I know that the Pats were sluggish and Brady was pressured beyond belief, but it wasn't supposed to end like this. Now we are going to have to hear Mercury Morris rants for the rest of time. You just know there is not going to be another undefeated team in NFL history. There is just way too much parity in the league. I guarantee that the Giants will not win the Super Bowl next year, and I give them a 50/50 chance of getting to the playoffs. Eli will come back down to Earth, realize that he is way to similar to Artie in "Whats Eating Gilbert Grape" to actually be a good QB, and all will be right with the world. Meaning, the Purp will lose in the second round and some bullshit NFC team such as, oh, lets say the Lions, will go to Super Bowl XLIII.

The Cuts(Super Ball Version):
"Be My Lover"-Alice Cooper
"Berlin"-Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
"Ocean Man"-Ween
"Don't Go Back To Rockville"-R.E.M
"She Belongs To Me"-Bob Dylan