Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Check Out The Hook

VH1 was running the Best Songs of the 1990s countdown tonight, and it felt like Super Nintendo, Crystal Pepsi and Tato Skins. Ah, memories. What was shocking was the huge differences in the songs from 1990 and 1999. Hearing songs like "Ice Ice Baby" and "Vision Of Love" makes one think of the 80s and not the 90s at all. It doesn't seem like there is such a disconnect today. Songs from the early part of this decade (lets say "Shake Ya Ass" by Mystikal and "Independent Women Part I" by Destinys Child for example) don't sound all that different from whats currently topping the charts. Has pop music stalled?

Oh, and for your laughing pleasure...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Oh Paul, how you got more Japanese to harikari than Hirohito with your inane ditty I will never know...

Its Christmas, but it feels like January. Except for the fact that the Purp still have a chance at winning the Super Bowl.

Seeing as how it is time for Jolly Saint Nick, there has been a lot of Christmas songs floating around in the ether. I heard "Fairytale of New York" by the Pouges at Jaros on Friday, and when I said it was the best Christmas song ever, I was roundly shot down. Also heard "All I Want For Christmas Is You" at the record store yesterday and got shot down for saying it gets me amped. Am I the only one who doesn't get grabbed by the shorthairs when I hear drivel like "White Christmas" and "Come All Ye Faithful"? Those old boring songs just get me depressed. Give me George Michael singing about how hes gonna give his heart to a special dude any day!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Often Drift When I Drive

For those not in the know, my work day is usually a 60/40 split between the warehouse doing QA on POS systems and doing paperwork, answering emails and whatnot at my desk. That 40 percent is usually a glorious time because I can bump whole albums without too much distraction. That allows me to think about said album intensely in between making work orders.

While playing "12 Golden Country Greats" by Ween today, I got to thinking about the one. No, not a girl. The one is the one bad track that can almost ruin a good or great disc. In Weens case, its the song "Fluffy". It is fucking terrible, so bad that it nearly ruins the perfect joke country of the rest of the jams. (Side note, Ween had a perfectly awesome song called "Booze Me Up and Get Me High" recorded for this album, but went with the Corkey on downers "Fluffy". Damn)

"Fluffy" did get me to thinking...what other albums are nearly ruined by one bad song? Here are a few I thought of off the top of my head:

-"Something/Anything" by Todd Rundgren
Almost Ruined by: That part where he talks about recording hiss. What kind of self indulgent shit is this? Seriously.

-"Dookie" by Green Day
Almost Ruined by: "Emenius Sleepus". I remember getting this CD in 1994 and bumping it hardcore while playing NBA Jam TE. I also remember hating this song because of the title alone. Listening to it now I still hate it (even though it is kinda catchy) just because of the title.

-"Born In The USA" by Bruce Springsteen
Almost Ruined by: "Working on the Highway". Why would you put this on an album full of fire? Just cheesy, nonsense rockabilly with the worst organ line since Dave "Baby" Cortez.

-"On A Wire" by The Get Up Kids
Almost Ruined by: "Campfire Kansas." Any song that starts off "Woke up at 8, started a fire" is bound to fucking blow. I remember these guys playing this in concert back in the day and hating the band for about 6 months for boring me with this drivel.

-"The Great Adventures of Slick Rick" by Slick Rick
Almost Ruined by: "Indian Girl (An Adult Story)." If I want stupid stories about crabs banging on drums and shit, I will throw in a Too Short album good sir. Almost negates the impact of "Children's Story" and "Hey Young World".

And don't get me started on songs that actually RUINED an album. Case 1: I haven't listened to the second Eagles Of Death Metal album in two years because of that Baby Duck song. Honest.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I Can't Sleep At Night, I Toss And Turn, Listening For The Telephone

The following paragraph sums up why I am still having a torrid love affair with Wikipedia:

"Every Little Step" is a single released by R&B singer Bobby Brown in 1988 on the MCA label. It had a cultural impact comparable to Michael Jackson's 'Billie Jean', only on a smaller scale. The video featured Brown twisting, turning, and spinning, creating a new era for dancers from the local clubs to the school dances. The video also featured Brown's stair step haircut that became the norm for urban blacks across the country

Only on the good ship Wiki would someone feel the need to discuss "Every Little Step" and its cultural impact, and then top that off by comparing said impact to "Billie Jean".

And don't ask me why I find shit like this. You only need to know I go on "rolls" where one thing on Wikipedia leads to another, like the Fixx.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Ballin On A Budget

New week, new trip to HPB in St Louis Park. Four CDs for Four Bucks! "Sweet FA" by Love and Rockets (Sweet Lover Hangover kicks ass), a Suede EP, Barry White's Greatest Hits and "Olympian" by Gene. Someone was selling a shit ton of Brit Pop. Plus, tons of finds at the record show on Saturday, and my brother and mom found me "The Roots Come Alive" on vinyl at Spanish Harlem, so a good week for cheap dirty music.

The new "Office" tonight was really uncomfortable. I enjoyed the little laughs (like Dwight talking about his mustard colored shirt) but overall it was just really uncomfortable. I mean, the old episodes were the same way but it seemed light hearted at points also. I think "30 Rock" may be overtaking it as the best thing on NBC on Thursday nights. Besides "Kath and Kim". Oh wait, that show fucking sucks, but I can't turn away because it is done up in pastel and Selma Blair is strangely hot.

"Chinese Democracy" on Saturday night. I hope that Best Buy is open cause I want to have a few beers and head over there and experience probably the last music related cultural event of my lifetime. Because, lets face it, no other band will dredge up this kind of excitement unless they dig up the Mighty KC or Brad Nowell in the next few months. Plus, this will (and I repeat WILL) be the last time a group of people queue up for a CD. Why hang with the unwashed masses when I could download it off iTunes, they will all say...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Holiday, It Would Be So Nice

The other night while at the Champlin Holiday, I got super amped when I heard "I Heard A Rumour" by Bananarama over the Muzak. It got me to thinking...why do I love shitty 80s pop music? I mean, everything that sounds oversynthed and garbage sounds like ear candy to me. From Rick Astley to "I Should Be So Lucky" by Kylie Minouge, I drink their Aqua Net milkshake, I drink it up.

Sometimes I think I am the only straight American who likes incredibly gay catering British pop music.

In other music news, "Chinese Democracy" finally drops in a little under two weeks. I will be the first in line, if only to support the man who sang on "It's So Easy". And I think I have made myself like the title track, deluding my brain into thinking its a combo of "You Could Be Mine" and "Nighttrain" but not even 1/10th that kickass.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Can You Dig It...Yes We Can!

So the long national nightmare is over. Within three months, this whole Republican nonsense of the last eight years will be gone (at least the people will be gone) and a more level headed, less narrow sense of thought will be in Washington. This is the best day I have had in some time, even though I got my ass chewed at work. Someone could have laid a huge Sir Duke in my Corn Flakes and I wouldn't have cared...because Barack Obama is President. Say it, let it linger. No more of this "Dubbya" nonsense. Thank whatever deity you may choose.

Oh, and thank you to Michelle Bachman for winning. Your politics are crazy and no where in tone with what I think, but I have just discovered your sexy. The crazier you talk, the hotter you are.

PS-Thank YOU CNN, with your hologram of Will.I.Am talking to Anderson Cooper on a gigantic US map. Talk about jumping the shark. How about "Gramming the Pea"?

Monday, November 03, 2008

Prissy Prancin/Biko Toughen Up

To this boy, there is nothing better than scuzzy, sexy, lets drink-a-fifth of Jack and play pinball rock and roll. This boy says thank god for Josh Homme and Jesse Hughes and their playing as Eagles of Death Metal on "Heart On".

The Devil (Hughes) and the Baby Duck (Homme) first kicked me in the scrote with "Peace Love Death Metal" nearly five years ago. That album was all about Whorehoppin, apple wine, fucking the devil and Gerry Rafferty. Needless to say, it is one of my most favoritiest discs ever. Then came "Death By Sexy" which had the better album title but weaker songs (prime example: the god-awful "The Ballad of Queen Bee and Baby Duck"). I will admit, I didn't know what to expect with "Heart On".

Hughes was quoted in Rolling Stone saying he wanted his new album to sound like the Stones buttfucking Devo. That pretty much sums it up. The latest one is the glammiest toughest sissiest shit, plain and simple. It gets back to prancin, pants, LA and torpedos. But, unexpectedly, it gets tender as fuck with "Now I'm A Fool". Sometimes, the jokiest motherfuckers can write some effecting stuff (see:Ween). Anyways, I digress. And I need this, like I needed the Toadies and old Stones and any other rock that can make me want to fight and dance and ride into a biker bar dressed like Rob Halford except less gay.

Speaking of slightly effeminate yet rugged, I am also taken by the new Bloc Party disc "Intimacy". Truth be told, the first two songs scared me because they were so tough and ready to scrap it up in some West End back alley, with their talk of drunk rumbles and mercury being in retrograde. But by the time "Halo" and "Biko" roll around, the album is a grade-A Morrissey style poncefest. Best quote "You took your watch off when we made love/You never wanted to share your time with anyone else." The third Bloc Party homerun in a row.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

We're On A HPB Tour, With Jacob My Man

The second annual HPBT was held last Saturday all around the MPLS metro. The HPBT stands for Half Price Books Tour and it consisted of me and a few friends going to every conceivable Half Price Books location and shopping for entertainment media. You can get quite a haul for the price of a 12 banger of Pabst, and being cheap and broke, that is the only way I roll these days. Anyways, here is the breakdown of my purchases (with reviews) from this last weekend...

Adam and the Ants-"Dirk Wears White Sox"
I've been on a huge New Wave kick lately, and I have always appreciated ridiculous British Pop Music. Plus, I bought "Friend or Foe" on vinyl and found it respectable recently. I wasn't prepared for this one, though. DWWS sounds kind of like a bastard combo of Joy Division and the Cars. Really dark and murky, with songs about the Kennedy Assassination and decay. And it has "Physical" (which I came to love and know via NIN). B+

Bob Dylan-"New Morning"
I love Dylan, especially when he's playing it straight, so New Morning is right up my alley. "If Not For You" is strikingly beautiful, and "Went To See the Gypsy" is the only Dylan I can think of that references the home state directly. Plus, "The Man in Me" (the song I bought it for and which was featured in "The Big Lebowski") is really happy which makes me smile for Ol' Bobby.

Good album for the $3 I paid for it, but it suffers from what I like to call Ryan Adam syndrome. This occurs when I hear a Ryan Adams song, love it, and forget everything about it 10 minutes later. Don't get me wrong, I really like the works of Misseur Adams. I just pull a Michael McDonald every time I listen to him and keep forgettin' (with the exception of "Gold", "Rock N Roll" and parts of "Love Is Hell" that don't involve political scientists). I also have RAS when I listen to Bright Eyes, Galaxie 500 and some indie rap. B-

Steve Forbert-"Jackrabbit Slim"
I fiddy cented this bastardo for the awesome "Romeo's Tune" and ended up liking the whole thing. Forbert had kind of a Dylan crossed with a more bad assed, throaty Jackson Browne thing going on. B

John Lennon and Yoko Ono-"Double Fantasy"
Another fiddy cent find. This album makes me pretty sad. I mean, if you get down to it, the concept (an album of love songs between a rejuvenated couple) is pretty interesting. Plus, the John songs are REALLY life affirming. The Yoko songs are even pretty good, not what I was expecting (think a pretty cool post punk band fronted by a crazy Japanese lady). Still, the fact that Lennon was shot as this album was on the charts will always haunt it. B

The Very Best of Hank Williams
I really only bought this for the cool cover. I already have the Hank anthology on CD. I know whats on it, and even though it doesn't have "Move It On Over" (call it Pre-Pre-Punk or maybe "woodshed rock") its still got "Your Cheatin Heart" and "Jambalaya". A

I also purchased "Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung" by Lester Bangs. I'm about 80 pages in, and its a mindfuck of a read.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Sweetness Will Not Be Concerned With Me

Came across this on Rick Riley's column on ESPN.com...

In 2004, when Mike Ditka considered running against him for Senate, Obama—remembering how Ditka let William Perry score a Super Bowl TD instead of Walter Payton—said that "anybody who would give the ball to Refrigerator Perry instead of Sweetness doesn't have very good judgment."

I totally agree. This is the biggest blemish on Mike Ditkas professional record (besides co-starring in Kicking and Screaming) and Obama is totally right in criticizing it.

God, football in the 1980s was awesome. The Giants, Bears, Skins and Niners were all so badass, even the Vikings had Tommy Kramer's drunk ass along with a killer D. You just don't get the feeling of bad assedness from the NFL these days (except from Ray Lewis, which I ain't gonna touch).

But really, Ditka as a senator? Really?

Monday, October 20, 2008

You're A Real Tough Cookie With A Long History

Some men head to the bar to check out dime pieces, some go to the gym. Still, some go to the local Dairy Queen after 9PM on summer night (sadly, those men are probably in jail). Me, I hit up none of these haunts of perversion. I scope the aisles of my local Super Target.

As I have documented many times before, I would marry Target if she were a flesh and blood woman. But now I actually see women at Target (instead of meth heads and those with the food stamps, like in Fridley). Not like I would approach any of them, I just like to check out the chicas while I buy my generic pizzas and canned pasta stuffs.

Series Prediction: Phillies in 6 (or 7). Both teams are just too evenly matched, but the Phils will pull it off because they are the more veteran team. But the fact that the Rays may be good for the next five to ten years.

Oh, and fire Childress.

Double oh, look for recently purchased music reviews on Thursday.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Tiger Tiger Woods, Y'all

I haven't played video games much lately. I don't know, it seems like Wikipediaing Danish foodstuffs seems more fun most days. But, since all the consoles (360, PS3 and Wii) in my house are hooked up to one of the big TVs now, I figured I should give games a chance again. So, being the broke ass I am, I picked up Tiger Woods Golf for $15 at my local Blockbuster.

So far, I've only played for a couple of hours, but it seems really good. I picked John Daly and went like 14 over par (which is 6 better than I did the last time I went real people golf). The most interesting part was the create-a-player mode that the game features. I created someone who looked almost exactly like me, right down to the bags under the eyes and the ever so handsome stubbled face. It was creepy, it was beautiful, it was somehow life affirming.

It did get me to thinking what a 16 year old Jake would have done with this feature though. I am pretty sure I would have made the sexiest she-golfer ever. Or, I would have done what I did in WWF Attitude (the first game I played with C-A-P) and created Jose Tarronoski and Paul Tulay, two of the Earle Brown Crew Chief greats.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

I fell in love today with a sandwich shop. It took me in, kept me sheltered from the storm much like Bobby Dylan and fed me well. That shop was Pastrami Jack's in Minnetonka.

I enjoyed the three sandwich sampler platter (a pastrami, a corned beef and chopped liver) which came with a huge potato pancake and all you can eat pickles and slaw. Holy shit was it amazing. The beef was just the right kind of fatty, and the bread perfect. I honestly had never had chopped liver before, and it wasn't mind blowing, but it was good (kind of sweet, kind of salty).

Oh, on a non processed Jewish Delicatessen front, I am almost completely moved into the house in Crystal. It has blown coming home from work every night and trying to straighten my room up, but it is almost done. Too bad I have to spend 16 bones on pegs for my CD shelves (I lost the other ones in the move).

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Boy Versus Girl In The World Series Of Love

The Twins broke my fucking heart last night. I will maintain and be ready to come crawling back to them next Spring though...

Here are my picks for the Playoffs:

Phillies over Brewers in 5
Cubs over Dodgers in 4

Rays over Sox in 3
Angels over Sox in 5

Cubs over Phillies in 5
Angels over Rays in 7

Cubs over Angels in 7

I did these this morning around 7:30 (before the Cubbies got trounced). I still stand by them, but I haven't been right in ten years, so hey!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Anthony's Song (Part 4)

Busy ass weekend. Spent all day Saturday and all day Sunday moving into the house in Crystal. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the kids moved in because I lost the pegs for their home (CD shelf). I still have no fucking clue where they could have went, so I have 2000 CDs laying in boxes until I can find some sort of alternate solution. But, its nice. A lot more room and a much better layout than the New Brighton pad. Still I will miss all the good times that were had there...

In non moving news, the Twins are killing me. I pray that the Tigers can end the Sux tomorrow, because I hate one game playoffs and I want to go into the post season with a few days rest.

This postseason seems really anti-climatic. I think it is because the Yankees didn't make it, and the east coast media now has nothing to go apeshit over. Plus, there is no favorite. I think we are going to have a Red Sox-Cubs World Series though, with the Cubs winning in 7 (I will have a full playoff preview when the Central is decided).

Sunday, September 21, 2008

My Sex Is On Fire

Whew, this was one of those whirlwind weekends that seemed like it lasted five minutes. Friday was spent at Gasthofs (for about an hour) and Jaros for a few Greenies (felt like 10 minutes, was probably 3 or four).

Woke up Saturday hung over as fuck to pack up the kids (CDs) and step kids (vinyl) for the voyage up 100 this week. Ate a salad and a dubby chubby, then went up to Mayslacks for a joyous reunion with Peter-San, Russ, Roast Beef and Hookers N Blow. Good times for those who showed, and as usual, the beef was amazing.

Woke up today hung over again, went to the Dome to watch the Purp lay the bitch slap down on the Panthers. Gus looked good, AP looked tentative (and may have cost me my fantasy game) and I'm in good spirits again.

And Tuesday, new Kings of Leon. "Sex On Fire" is slowly creeping up the Modern Rock and iTunes charts, so there is hope for amazing music to be popular again.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sarah P is President

What the hell is going on with the election? I thought Obama was the savior, everyone wanted to vote for him because he had the ideas and charisma. I guess that putting a woman on a ticket makes you electable as shit, because McCain suddenly is in the lead. Are you ready for four more years of the same bullshit (or worse HELLO IRAN!) just because of a novelty?

Sarah Palin is not qualified to lead this country. She has been governor of a marginal state for a year and a half, and before that she was the mayor of a small town. And yet, at the gym yesterday (in between staring at Rhianna and staring at the Twins losing) I saw Sarah Palin taking the lead in a "town hall" style meeting with McCain.

I'm starting to think that Palin was McCains only hope, the sugar on the medicine, and when "they" get elected she will get pushed to the back. Then those who voted based on the novelty of the fact that they thought a woman was going to lead will be sadly mistaken by an inexperienced Veep and a war hungry man in the On Golden Pond years of his life.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

I Feel It In The Air, The Summers Out Of Reach

Summer was murdered in one fell swoop this weekend by the NFL and the cold temps in Brainerd. I know that Summer is usually over with Labor Day and the start of school, but last weekend was so damn warm that I didn't feel it. But, by going up to Milla's cabin this weekend and experiencing the sharp sting of 40 degree temperatures, I now know Fall is here.

The only thing I have to look forward to in the Fall is the MLB Playoffs and NFL Football. Otherwise, I get really down in the Fall and don't roll out of my Terry Funk until November.

But, I'm going to try to change that this year somehow. No more Fall talk...as of now.

Milla's cabin was a good time. A lot of Miller Lite was consumed, and Kori made us all a kick ass cake and some Hobo Dinner which I consumed with much gusto. I also picked up a Silverchair CD (Diorama) at the Goodwill in Brainerd for $2, which turned out to be quite the investment. "Diorama" features orchestration by Van Dyke Parks (who produced/worked on classic Beach Boys LPs) which means it sounds very chamber-poppy. Cool CD, and all the better for 2 bones. I also picked up 2 ELO albums for $5, and the new Dr. Dog kicks some ass also. Seeing as how fundage is a little tight these days, cheap music is ganz fantastich.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Don't Bring Me Down, Bruuuuce?

To use a little Cliff Clavin, its a little known fact that there is an ELO tribute band called ELNo. As of 2 PM yesterday, I had no idea someone would pay tribute to Jeff Lynne (who's career was mainly a tribute to the Beatles and Roy Orbison). As of 2 AM yesterday, however, I had seen the tightest cover band I have ever seen.

Lee's Liquor Lounge was the venue, and it was pretty empty for the Thin Lizzy cover band Jailbreak (basically the reason that I went anyways). They did a good "Cowboy Song" and, like all Thin Lizzy cover bands I have seen didn't play "The Boys Are Back In Town". Anyways, I almost decided to make a border run when I found out Nate and his lady were going to come up for ELNo. And I was glad I stayed.

It seems really hard to pull off an ELO song live. There are strings, vocal effects, vocal layers upon layers and about 14 different keyboard effects in each song. Yet ELNo pulled it off. All the big hits sounded like the records, with the exception being "Telephone Line" where the vocals were a little off. And the mix of oldsters, hipsters and gay guys was interesting people watching. Oh, and 5/6ths of the band rocked afro wigs and Aviators and billed themselves as "Jeff Lynne #1-5". I definitely need to see these guys again.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Volga Boat Song

So Labor Day is nearly upon us. What the fuck does Labor Day exactly celebrate? Me working? I think that is their (by their, I mean the government) idea. If that actually is the case, then why do we not get a whole week off? I'm confused, but I guess I shouldn't look a gift holiday in the mouth?

Doesn't a holiday honoring the worker seem a little Commie to you? And whenever I think of Commies, two things pop into my head...the Miracle on Ice and Kyle Olson reading "The Communist Manifesto" out loud to the Chinese workers at the Northtown China Buffet in high school. I guess coming of age at the very end of the Cold War can kind of do that sort of thing to you.

According to my gay lover Wikipedia, Labor Day was going to be celebrated on May day like the Reds did. So I was right. But the entry is still vague as hell, so I really don't know why we are getting time off still. Oh well, at least Milla Cabin V is on track for the weekend after...

Attention QOTSA Fans

I'm selling my copy of The Desert Sessions volume III/IV on CDfor $60 bucks, if anyone is interested. I'm broke as shit, so I need to clear some of my inventory...let me know.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Electric Blue

I have been more 80s than New Coke, McDLTs and Stone Washed 501s lately. I have no idea why. Its weird, with the straight lack of good new music coming out (Black Kids, MMJ, the new Roots, the two Cool Kids songs I d/led and a few others non-withstanding) I have been turning to my aural comfort food of top 40 80s pop. Last night alone I "acquired" "Electric Blue" by Icehouse, "Love Takes Time" by Mariah Carey and "I Get Weak" by Belinda Carlisle.

Topping that list, I believe that "Electric Blue" may be in my top 5 80s songs. Everything about it screams 1988. The plinky synth lead, the power guitar, the vaguely falsetto chorus sung by a guy who shouldn't be hitting those notes, and the "On-My-Knees" backup vocals. It also reminds me of long car rides to my grandpa's restaurant in Eden Prairie in a big ol' Delta 88 with springs sticking out of the backseat.

The new Verve single "Love Is Noise" is also kick ass. Yes, I still ride or die for some Verve. Oh, and new Kings of Leon...smashing.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Jesus Is Just Alright (For Kirk Cameron)

Last night I went and saw Pineapple Express at a theatre in Oakdale. This was far outside of my standard theatre triforce of Showplace in the Coon, AMC in the Maple, and Regal in the Southside of Chicago, er, Brooklyn Center. But, I digress. The theatre was one of the Carmike chain, which does something interesting with their previews. They throw low budget God person movie previews in with the normal ones.

This meant 20(yes, 20!) minutes in previews before I got to see Seth Rogen get ripped and blow shit up. But the religious previews were awesome. One was for a movie about the pets that got left behind after Katrina, the other one was for some uber patriotic movie about how sweet America is staring Mr. Belding, and the final one was for a God movie about loving your wife starring Jesus Cyborg Kirk Cameron. The best part was that they were spliced into the reel between actual Hollywood previews, so I got to see a glimpse of Vin Diesel as a killer with heart, followed by Mike Seaver making a candlelight dinner for his wife.

My question is this: who is the audience for these movies? I'm pretty sure the 20 somethings who wanted to see a stoner comedy are not going to see a film focusing on orphaned pets or how the Jesus can make your love life real. Someone at Carmike needs to hire a marketing guru to determine where to place their chruchie previews, maybe someone named Jake?

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Jake Eickholt Is (Probably) Going To Run On Dunkin

YES!!! Dunkin Donuts is trying to find a franchisee to fulfill my need for cheap coffee and Bavarian Cream donuts. 100 or so in the Twin Cities metro in the next few years. So, I beg of anyone with 4 mil in the bank, please go to www.dunkindonuts.com and get me my fucking coffee!

And yes, I am sure my previous blog had something to do with the planned expansion. And yes, the fans on the Strib website are complaining and touting local bakeries. Fucking clowns. Although Jack's in Brooklyn Park is awesome, and the Shakopee Bakery is also pretty good (dudes bring donuts in from there on Donut Friday at work).

Next up: A bitch fest about the lack of 7 Elevens in MPLS. Then maybe I will get to indulge in Slurpees.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

It's Butters!

The St. Louis Park Bennigan's closed abruptly this morning I guess. Unfortunately, the one in Coon Rapids will still stay open. I bet Butters is mad pissed. Where else is he going to go for his parents anniversary and eat mozzarella sticks? And where else am I going to get shit service and have a stoner broad try to upsell me a twice baked potato?

The truth is, chain restaurants haven't been as much fun since you couldn't light up in them. I remember going to TGI Fridays in Brooklyn Center and Applebee's in Brooklyn Park and taking major advantage of their two for ones at Applebees and the 2 dollar well drinks at Fridays. I also remember putting cigs out in Nate's nachos, taking pictures of Milla puking after his power hour (which are now also illegal) and seeing Oliver Miller after a Wolves game. Ah, memories.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Girl Talk

For those not in the know, a little of Americas innocence died last night. It was callously murdered when the Detroit Shock and the L.A. Sparks got into a girl fight at the Palace last night.

Such a shame that the great spectator sport that is the WNBA would have to suffer such a horrible event, one that consisted of light pushing, Rick Mahorn, and The Mailman's daughter tearing her ACL trying to avoid the light shoving. I feel bad for the fan in attendance who had to see this tragedy.

(The only bonus of seeing coverage of this farce was glancing up at ESPN and seeing Rachel Nichols head shot. My god, does that woman look like she has a frisky side or what? I'm pretty sure that if a Rachel Nichols sex scandal breaks, I'm following it with more intensity than I did the Bill O'Riley one for sure).

In other, non WNBA related news, I went and saw The Dark Knight today. Easily one of the best movies I've seen in the last couple of years. I got the same feeling watching it that I got when I saw The Departed. Heath Ledger is straight up scary as hell and the movie overall was a 2 1/2 hour roller coaster that didn't let up once. I know that it may be odd for the Academy to nominate a "comic book" movie for best picture, but I really cannot see how they couldn't give a nod to "The Dark Knight".

Monday, July 21, 2008

Excuses and Half-Truths and Fortified Wine

I am totally feeling "Stay Positive" by The Hold Steady with every inch of my being. This is a damn near perfect classic rock album. All the usual Hold Steady musical touchstones are there, the piano, the solos, the anthemic choruses. What is new is the addition of more horns, and a talkbox at the end of "Joke About Jamaica". None of the new tricks take away from the overall power of the album, which seems a bit more downbeat than the previous three. My only gripe when I first picked it up was that Holly, Gideon and Charlemagne were not referenced but once. But then I read an interview with Craig Finn, who claimed that he deliberately left out names to make the songs more ambiguous. I thought that was a very interesting way of writing, seeing as how the Steady's songs play more like mini novels than conventional pop songs.

After multiple spins "Stay Positive" is probably going to be album of the year when my rundown comes out in December (the only major competition so far being the new My Morning Jacket). We still have Kings of Leon in September, so who knows? It may be a repeat of 2005 when "Separation Sunday" and "Aha Shake Heartbreak" topped the list.

As for other new discs, I am feeling the new Beck after the second listen. After listen number 1, I didn't get into it. My reasoning was that I listened to it on my iPod, and Danger Mouse's overwhelming Space Invaders meets Hanna Barbera production killed the thing for me. Listening to it on the old Hi-Fi allowed the bloops and blips to blend into the songs, and it was overall a better experience. "Gamma Ray" and "Youthless" are the tracks that I feel the most.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Endless Nights

Another holiday has come and gone, and I celebrated my nations independence by rockin with the Money Man at the Taste of Minnesota. Eddie Money kicked ass last night, rockin the oldies and the ironic hipsters in the crowd in equal measure. Coming off as a bit like Rodney Dangerfield (the best one liner of the night: This song is by Ray Charles, a great man who beat me by 3 strokes at golf!) Mister Money only played one new song and stuck to the anthems of the 80s like "Shakin," "Gimmie Some Water," and "Take Me Home Tonight." He also busted out "Endless Nights" which I hadn't heard since I was like 5. It was cool to see a crowd of dudes chanting "Eddie, Eddie" all night in the pit (yes, Eddie Money had a fucking pit). Oh, and he also plugged Ashley Furniture for some reason, even though there was not an Ashley ad to be found.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Remember After The Fire I Will Be The Flame

I think my brain has finally given out due to lack of sleep and constant rolls on Wikipedia. For I have been fixated on nonsense for the last week.

For the life of me, I cannot get snippets of things out of my head. Over and over, I hear Justin Morneau saying "lay somethin' in there, meat." I also hear the chorus of the new Roots song "I Will Not Apologize," most of "The Flame" by Cheap Trick, and the current #1 hit "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry...IN ITS ENTIRETY. Frankly, I'm a little scared. I used to not get like this, I was in the drivers seat when it came to my pop culture consumption. My brain has overruled my heart, I guess.

After tonight's softball drubbing, I have decided to call everyone on my softball team by their softball number, along with the affectionate names kid, pal, and sticks, in honor of the douchetards who we played. For example, Jeff Hill is #0, so tonight it was, "good job null value" or "good job single zero". Chris Howe will be "nines" for #99, and Jordan Eickholt III will be "single 8" or "el ocho".

I think that this trend may take on in the work place. For example, if Andy in shipping kicks some ass in getting my POS system out early, its gonna be, "Nice ship, Wand T-Shirt." Or if one of the CSR reps satisfies a customer on a hardware issue, I think I will say, "Way to pick me up, green dress shirt and blue striped tie." Yep, I think this is going to be big shit...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

He Wore Diamonds On The Inside

Softball news--The Nature Boys would have won two games last night if it weren't for fucking Grammy. Singlehandedly beaten by Mr. Johnson, Naitch came back and beat up on team Monopoly Hockey in the night cap, 17-8. That brings the record up to 4-11, which Crystal Park and Rec cannot fathom, as they have the Blue and Gold listed at 1-14. For shame!

In other news--I cannot wait to go to the Twins-Brewers game Friday night. I plan on root, root, rooting for the home team due to the fact that there will be tons of fat cheese-bloated Sconnies there cheering for their mediocre Brewers. Not to mention the fact that we owned their stadium two weeks ago. Plus, they probably all need a vacation from the "awesome" city of Milwaukee and their "fantastic architecture" consisting of crumbling Victorian houses and dirty breweries. Don't forget the casino in the city limits!

I will give Milwaukee one thing-they know who they are. I didn't see a bunch of museums and theatres in Milwaukee. Guess what? I bet cheeseheads know that they are Midwestern and working class, unlike some cities that I can think of (cough...MPLS...cough).

Monday, June 23, 2008

We've Got Stars Directing Our Fate

So VH1 is airing "I Love The New Millennium." Although I find this very Balki Bartakamous, I will watch it anyways. Because I love listening to C and D list celebs talk about things I am completely familiar with.

I think deep down inside of my soul, these jokers validate my existence by discussing pop culture trifle that I thought no one else (besides me and my immediate friends) find interesting. For example, I got a twinge of joy when they brought up Shaggy's 2001 #1 hit "It Wasn't Me." I don't particularly like this song, although I will sing it when alone in my car or drunk off cheap brandy. No, the only reason I got some enjoyment out of seeing it on the show was it reminded me of senior year in high school, and I also thought that everyone else forgot about it.

I get the same feeling when I discuss old video games. I almost did a Pete Townsend like windmill on air guitar when my co-workers and I discussed Snowboard Kids for the N64. All this pop culture nonsense makes me (and I assume others) feel like members of a secret cool kids club. Except all the cool kids are really dorky.

In other news, the Sonic in Saint Paul finally opened...


...and, of course, Minnesotans shit all over it. Listen you tree hugging faux Minnesota Nice clowns, I work in the fast food industry, and I have worked in the QSR industry for eight years on and off. Quit hating all over chain restaurants for no reason! Most of the comments are of the "I could make a better burger at home" and "buy local ingredients" variety. Guess what? I am 25, I am single, I enjoy fast food, and I would rather not buy jalapenos, bacon and cheddar cheese to make the same thing I can get at Wendy's for $2.99. To all those who like going to the corner grocer or stopping at the farmers market: YOU ARE THE REASON THAT I CANNOT GET A FUCKING SLURPEE UNLESS I GO TO CHICAGO! Choices, people. Some of us don't like to play hero and really enjoy shopping at non-union shops like Target for our groceries.

Oh, and just to clairify, I don't even like Sonic that much. I just like variety, which is something that our cake and punch Lutherans just cannot stand.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Your Eyes Have A Mist From The Smoke Of A Distant Fire...

Tuesday was a big day for me. Not only did I go 7-9 with 5 RBI in my three softball games and the Nature Boys tore up our second game, but Kevin Garnett won the NBA title.

KG was the second most important athlete in the history of the Twin Cities (we all know the first). The way he was ride or die for a cold, poncey metropolis for 13 years will be something I will never forget, along with his incredible intensity on the court and the fact that his biggest regret after winning the MVP in 2004 was that he couldn't go to Best Buy and buy DVDs anymore without being hounded. KG seemed like a good person who busted ass at work every day. I respect that in anyone, let alone a pro athlete.

So when I saw the image of KG getting emotional on ABC Tuesday at a packed Buffalo Wild Wings in Crystal, I got a little misty. I thought about a lot of things, mainly how that should have been at the Target Center in 2004 and not at the Gaaahden in 2008. I thought about how I felt in 1991 when Kirby made that catch and hit that homer in game 6. I thought about how I would feel if I could ever see another local team be the best in the world. But mainly I thought about how awesome it would be if KG gave love to us (which, as a matter of fact, he did, first and foremost. Unfortunately I didn't found out about this until after the fact).

I'm not an emotional guy when it comes to public events. I really don't cry at funerals or weddings, and I most certainly don't cry at most movies. The following is a list of times I have gotten misty in the last ten years that I can recall (not involving real everyday events):

-"Rocky Balboa"
-KG winning the title
-The episode of "Futurama" where Fry's dog waits for him and the one that features his lucky clover
-The 2004 World Series speech where Curt Schilling toasts the Red Sox as the best ever
-"A Walk To Remember"
-The Ric Flair tribute on WWE Raw
-The death of Owen Hart/tribute

I also may have gotten teary eyed a some point during the whole 9/11 era, mainly though I just remember feeling really dazed and running away from the TV to sit in Nick Miller's LeBaron and eat Quesadillas from Taco Bell while we waited for the Star Tribune truck to deliver the extra. I also think I went to the farm even though I didn't work that day.

Anyways, I couldn't be happier for KG, although I wish that we could have had that night at the Target Center.

Monday, June 16, 2008

What Made Milwaukee Famous...

On Saturday, I got the chance to go to Milwaukee to watch the Twins destroy the Brewers. It was awesome. The only downside is that I am still super hoarse today but it was worth it. The Twins won 9-4 and rubbing that in a bunch of Miller-Drunk frat boys faces was a treat all in itself. I rocked the red TC hat with a Cubs shirt, and one guy said that I didn't like my life because of that combo. I replied that I liked to support winners, to which he threatened to stick his foot up my ass. I never got footed, which was pretty damn cool.

I also enjoyed a brat with a Milwaukee exclusive concoction called "secret stadium sauce." I have no idea what is in this stuff, but my god is it tasty. It's like a cross between ketchup, Arby Sauce and Heinz 57. It's so good that I had to stop on the way home at a grocery store to pick up my own bottle for Minnesota eating pleasure. And the sauce holds up my theory that the only good things to come out of Wisconsin are food and drink related.

In other awesome news, the dance studio next door to my works World Headquarters is moving out so we can take over their space in August. The dance studio just threw out 25 years of crap, including about 100 records. If you don't think that I didn't do a little dumpster diving, then you don't know Jacob Donald Eickholt. Here are the cuts:

-"Hangin' Tough"-New Kids On The Block
-"Batman" Soundtrack
-"Don't Be Cruel"-Bobby Brown
-"La Bamba" Soundtrack
-"The Karate Kid" Soundtrack (featuring the anthem "You're The Best" by Joe "Bean" Esposito)
-"Behind The Wheel/Route 66"- Depeche Mode (12" Single)
-"The Rain"-Oran "Juice" Jones (12" Single)

For Christian: I got you the 12" for "Brand New Lover" by Dead Or Alive
For Nate: I got you the entire Taco album.

There might be some more gems there, I'm gonna look tomorrow again. I am a little pissed someone took the "Howard The Duck" soundtrack. I would like to re-live the scene where foxy little 80s Lea Thompson fucks the duck.

Monday, June 09, 2008

In Seattle, In Seattle

"Your Boy Just Hit 600".

And so a text told me about an event that should have happened in 2004. Ken Griffey Junior hit his 600th career home run tonight in Miami, Fla. If you don't know why this is important to me, then you probably didn't know me between 1992 and 2000.

During those years, I followed every single move that Junior made. I collected his baseball cards, I bought Seattle Mariners hats (I even had the turquoise fitted one and the one with the silver bill) and I went to at least one Mariners-Twins game a year. I even kept a scrapbook with clippings from USA Today and the Star Tribune. But when Griffey went to Seattle in 2000, I kind of lost touch. National League ball doesn't interest me as much as AL, so I kept on following Seattle(these were really bad, Scott Stahoviak and Pat Meares years for the Twins) even though Griffey had left.

As it turned out, I wasn't missing much. Griffey spent a huge chunk of time on the DL and his prodigious stats fell off a bit. Most predicted that he would break Aaron's record, with all the injuries he had, it looked like a miracle to get to 500. But he did, and around 2004, Griffey started putting up really solid numbers again. And tonight, he finally got to 600.

It was a happy moment for me personally. Griffey always seemed like a good player to follow(family man, played the right way, had one of the best lines in the best Simpsons episode ever) and I guess that this was sort of a vindication for picking the good guy when all my friends liked players like Albert Belle (nutcase) or Jeff Bagwell (looked like he was sitting on the toilet when he batted, was washed up by 33).

Congrats, Junior.

P.S.-The Twins are sucking hardcore right now, so it pleasures me to write something positive about baseball.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

You Say, I Only Hear What I Want To

Yesterday I watched "Reality Bites" for the first time. Yes, I know, the movie came out in 1994 and I was 12 so I was old enough to watch it yada yada yada. I haven't seen a lot of movies, I know. Some things in "Reality Bites" really moved me though (besides Winona Rider hiding her natural hotness). Trouble was, they moved me the wrong way.

You see, ol' Wino Forever has to choose between two guys (Ben Stiller's yuppie and Ethan Hawke's tortured musician). Only one guy loves her, the other treats her like shit. One guy tries to help her career, the other smokes weed out of a Pepsi can, dances like a tard to "My Sharona" and plays Violent Femmes covers in a coffee house. Guess which guy she picks? Yep, the tortured artist who treats her like shit. This wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if it wasn't so fucking true.

Most women I know pick the less safe bet, and I can't understand it. Shit, most GUYS I know would rather get with the train wreck than the safe bet. And this is why I haven't had success with the ladies over the last few years. I am the safe bet. I'm the guy who won't leave, who probably won't piss you off except for buying too many CDs. A lot of my friends are like this also. The ones who are far from the safe bet are the ones who get the most, to quoth Sir Mick, girlie action.

I really don't know where I'm going with this, other than "Reality Bites" pissed me off more than any movie since "Fahrenheit 9/11" because it was more of a documentary than that film ever was.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Sequestered In Memphis

It's 2:30 AM on a Saturday, I'm not drunk, and I cannot sleep because I just downloaded the new Hold Steady single "Sequestered In Memphis".

Is this band capable of writing a bad song? Shit, its got horns, piano, sing-along chorus. You know Craig and the boys know their musical history, so they have to know that they are singing about Memphis and using soul horns and it's not just a happy accident, right? And the words, the story again...it's not "Chips Ahoy!" or "Your Little Hoodrat Friend" in terms of a novel in three minutes but it is close. "In barlight she looked alright/In daylight she looked desperate." Fucking brilliant. Someday, if I get my money right, I will be making a movie about Holly, Gideon and Charlemagne if they will let me.

Five plays in a row now. The album drops on the 15th, the concert is a week later. July is looking pretty positive.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I'll Have The Kobe Beef

Here's something you'd never hear (well, I guess SEE) me say: I am fucking amped that the Lakers won the conference title. I'm sporting leather I'm so aroused. You see, this is how I root. It may be sick, some may say deviant, but if I hate one team more than the other, I will root for the lesser of two evils. It is kind of how some choose their president. In a normal, day to day situation, I would hate the L.A. Lakers (but deeply respect the games of Kobe and Pau Gasol). But seeing as how they are playing the San Antonio Spurs (who I would rather see perish in a plane crash than ever flippidy flop all over an arena again) I will cheer the Lakers onto sweet victory.

This isn't a new thing. When I was an impressionable teen, I rooted for the 1996 Yankees to beat the shit out of the Atlanta Braves, mainly because I was being a good Minnesotan (if you were of school age in the fall of '91, you know what I'm talking about). Yet the year before I cheered those same Braves onto a World Series victory over the Indians (who beat my beloved at the time Seattle Mariners in the ALCS).

The only time this hasn't really worked out was during the 2002 World Series. The Angels beat the shit out of the Twins in the ALCS, yet I wanted them to win the Series bad. Why you ask (if your still reading)? Barry Bonds was playing for the Giants, and I don't know a single person outside of San Fransisco proper who wanted the Giants to win that title due to that punkin headed fucknut.

I guess the rule is always go for the lesser of two evils. Maybe that is also why I prefer Pepsi to Coke

Monday, May 26, 2008

Forgive and Forget You

Nice little Memorial Day weekend we had here. Or at least I thought it was. It rained in New Brighton for a total of 10 minutes yesterday, but we heard a bunch of sirens and figured it was just because there was a tornado watch. Well, picking up the paper today and seeing that tornadoes touched down only a few miles away was quite a shock. Shit, the storm didn't even really interrupt our lawn dart game or the grilling. Global warming is sure odd.

I went and saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" today and thought it was one hell of a funny movie. It also didn't hurt that the female leads were oh-so-pretty (I never thought I'd see Jackie from That 70s Show topless). The previews were pretty interesting also. I kind of want to see the stoner/action hero movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco, and never will see "The Incredible Hulk" if I live to be 100.

Otherwise, nothing else really. Boof Bonser sucks ass at facing MLB hitters, I'm pumped about softball tomorrow and the only CD that comes out tomorrow is a re-release of the fucking Dutchess by Fergie Ferg. Goodnight.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Wear My Ring Around Your Neck

I hate the San Antonio Spurs. I think that I have gone over this before, but I think that the topic needs to be re-addressed. I'm going to have some real conversation on how much I hate the U.N. of Roundball that plays in South Texas.

First off, their uniforms. What the fuck? They look like a black and white movie, and they totally sum up what the team is: uncolorful. I'm supposed to believe that Manu, Tony and The Big Yawn Tim are all superstars, but I can't. There is nothing interesting about any of them other than they are not from the U.S.

Second, I hate the way they flop like "Walk Hard". When did the NBA become an offshoot of FIFA? The slightest bump sends Balki Bartakamous (aka Manu) across the floor. And they whine like a newborn whenever they don't get a call. Come on ladies, be mannish like Lebron.

Finally, I hate that they are so good. They have been contenders for, what, like 15 years now? 20? They went to the conference finals for the first time in this run in the mid-90s, before the widespread use of the Internet. In my lifetime, they have made the conference finals SEVEN FUCKING TIMES! The Wolves have made the playoffs eight times total. God, this is depressing. I am just going to quit

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Old Man Take A Look At My Life. I'm A Lot Like You Were

I found this link on OkayPlayer tonight. It made me feel really freaking old, seeing as how I was a junior in high school when this stuff came out. Not only that, but I was a shift supervisor at T-Bell and listened to most of these songs incessantly on KDWB, 93X and Rock 100. I don't know what's more depressing, that I owned the CD single for "Kiss Me" or that next year I will be in my 5th year of lower level management (thank God for that break at the Farm where I sucked as an employee and didn't make a mark). Anyways...


In other music news, I downloaded the new Cure single. It sounds like it could have been on "The Head On The Door" or "Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me" which means its poppy and wonderfully, wonderfully pretty. The new Weezer single "Pork and Beans" kicks some old school Weezer ass also.

I'm thinking "Pork and Beans" will be a big "summer single". We haven't had one of those in quite a while (last year it was "I'm a Flirt" and "Wouldn't Get Far" for me, "Umbrella" by sexy fivehead Rihanna for the rest of the globe). I'm also pulling for "Mercy" by Duffy, because it is so fucking weird and British and sounds like 1965. Oh, and New Kids On The Block have a single out called "Summertime" that should get airplay, because NKOTB is highly ironic and the song has summer in the title. Of course, "Birthday Girl" by the Roots would have already gone to #1 in a perfect world, but Hillary is still in the race and the Spurs are still not eliminated, so we have to settle for bumping the illegal download.

Monday, May 12, 2008

My Girl Wants To Party All The Time Party All The Time Par-tay All The Time

Long time no write. Nothing all that monumental has been going on. For starters, The Nature Boys softball season has started, and we are a predictable 1-3. This is fine with me, as I only play for the love of the game. One benefit of this season is I seem to be hitting better. Last years hitting was more ridiculous than the time Balki brought two blondes home for himself and none for Couseen Larry. Another benny is that our uniforms are sexy as all hell. I love the royal blue/yellow combo, and the hats that say "WHOOOO!" are amazing. Hopefully we can take a few more games, but if not, I'm still having an assload of fun.

Oh, and Nate's birthday BBQ/keg party was a huge success. We had a real good turn out, and everyone got really drunk (not to mention well fed on kabob). The highlight had to be Chico passed out on my bathroom floor, yelling, "bet you never thought you'd see me here!" and then someone saying "I think your friend is dead in the bathroom." Ah yes, the things tequila can do to someone.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Road Trippin Day 4

Like Motley Crue said, on with the show baby on with the show...

Yesterday started off with a breakfast buffet at a Big Boy by our hotel. The buffet was pretty damn sub par, but they had good biscuits and gravy, so I was in a good mood.

We then ventured out and went to the Great American Ballpark really early (like 10 AM early) to see the Reds play the Astros. Great American Ballpark is pretty nice. It is the newest ballpark that I have been in, and I hope that the one that they are building downtown will be as nice as this one. But I digress. The morning started out with a couple of beers at the only bar within walking distance of the stadium. Downtown Cincy is the most boring place on Earth, so boring in fact that Saint Paul looks like Vegas in comparison. Oh, and our waitress was a huge bitch.

The game was fun though. This random guy talked my ear off the whole fucking game about baseball. He knew his stuff, but it was really annoying while trying to watch the game. I guess I also talked Southern to him, saying "I can't wait until they tear that Dome down, I tell you what." I also had a chili dog topped with Cincinnati chili, which was interesting. They make their chili with nutmeg and cinnamon and it was like spaghetti sauce. I bought a can later so I could let my brothers in on the odd chili dog sensation.

After the game, we drove all the way to Racine. Today, maybe the brewery tour, maybe Harold and Kunar 2, for sure the Brewers game. All is still up in the air.

Trophies:Starbucks City Mugs-2 (Memphis, Indianapolis)
Slurpees Enjoyed-2 (Full Throttle, Coffee)
Bizarre QSR Restaurants-6 (Waffle House, Sonic, Jack In The Box,Steak N Shake, Big Boy, Skyline Chili)
Newspapers-7 (Chicago Sun-Times, Memphis Commercial Appeal, The Tennessean, New York Post, Murfeesboro Daily News Journal, Louisville Courier-Journal, Cincinnati Enquirer)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Road Trippin Day 3

Where were we? Oh yeah, I was staying in Memphis overnight so I could go to the Stax Museum in the morning...

Which I did, and it was fantastic. First off though, we went to the Sun Recording Studio, which was a little ho-hum. It was really really small, and all the tour focused on was Elvis (no Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, and the like). But our tour guide was really cute, which made the tour a little more palatable.

Now back to the Stax Museum. Instead of focusing on JUST Stax, it took in the whole history of soul music. There was tons of cool displays, like Issac Hayeses Caddy with a TV and fur lined interior, and a room with all the 45s released on Stax and Volt records. There was also an exhibit on Otis Redding with huge black and white photos and copies of paperwork from his final days (his Holiday Inn bill was around $7, Gulf charged him $70 to fuel his plane). Really cool place.

We got back to Nashville around 6 and then decided to go hit up the bars along Broadway for the night. Nashville has a bar close of 3AM, so we were going to do it right. Every bar along Broadway had a live pop/rock or pop/country band playing, so we spent the evening drinking long necks and listening to bar bands. It was fun. At three of the five or six bars we went to, the house band played "Mary Jane's Last Dance". One bar had a fine ass chick on rollerskates singing with the band. The only downside was that the street was pretty dead due to it being a Tuesday. Oh, and there were tons of creeper homeless fucks begging for money. And one old guy kept rubbing his nip like he was high on ecstasy or something(well, that was more funny than shitty...).

Today we ventured out to the Jack Daniel's distillery to see how whiskey is made. Funny that the #1 selling whiskey in the world is made pretty old timey in the bumfuck hills of Tennessee. Interesting tour though. After the tour we stopped at a store that sold "Dixie Wear" which consisted of Confeddies and hick bumper stickers. Next door was a CD store which had tons of out of print classic rock discs...two of which I purchased. Funny thing is, the hillbilly woman working behind the counter knew that they were OOP. According to her phone conversation we all heard, she also knew that she didn't want a "n-word president" but that "it was gonna happen anyway." She also hated "that bitch Hillary" and didn't want McCain. This was all said while chain smoking by the cash register. Only in the fucking South.

When that was all said and done, we left Codes behind and drove to Cincy for the Reds afternoon game tomorrow. Dammit, I want to see Junior in person again!

Starbucks City Mugs-2 (Memphis, Indianapolis)
Slurpees Enjoyed-2 (Full Throttle, Coffee)
Bizarre QSR Restaurants-3 (Waffle House, Sonic, Jack In The Box)
Newspapers-6 (Chicago Sun-Times, Memphis Commercial Appeal, The Tennessean, New York Post, Murfeesboro Daily News Journal, Louisville Courier-Journal)

Monday, April 21, 2008

Road Trippin Day 2

To Josh Benesh Ramsey: I'M BAAAACK!

Chi-city was left behind around 9AM on Sunday. Up next was a long long long drive to Nashville (well, technically, Murfeesboro) where we would meet up with Codes. Along the way, we stopped at a Sonic in southern Indiana, and we knew we were in the South because a biker told us in a Southern accent "Deys mo of ewe in da bathroom dan deys in da restaurant!" Sonic, by the way, is pretty fucking good. It is between Burger King and Hardee's on the taste scale. I still am pretty amped that one is opening in Savage.

We arrived at the Stevens residence around 7PM. Right away, we went to Kroger to get some grillin supplies and some beers. Cody said that we weren't good enough for Publix (I guess it is high class) so Kroger had to do. Two big differences that I noticed were that no place in the south sells Michelob Golden Draft (only Mich classic, which I haven't seen in MPLS in like 10 years) and there are no brats to be found. Instead, there is some sort of hot pink hot dog labeled "southern style" which I nearly bought, but realized that I might die if I ate it.

After Kroger we grilled out and reminisced over the old days. After getting nice and drunk, we went to the bowling alley in some small suburb of Nashville. I honestly do not remember how I bowled, but I have a feeling that it was good.

Feeling a little hung over this morning, we went to a Waffle House (which was amazing) and then looked for a record store in downtown Nashville. We found a FYE, where I purchased a used copy of "Dandy In The Underworld" by T. Rex. Not finding much to our liking in Nashville, we decided to go all the way to Memphis like Mott The Hoople.

Memphis is one hell of a town. We spent the day on Beale Street, looking at all the monuments to old R&B and soul stars (Rufus Thomas, Issac Hayes, Al Green, etc) and we toured a Smithsonian exhibit on Memphis music history. The bars here are fantastic, the women are all gorgeous, and there is a perfect mix of old people and young hotties to make me at ease. Plus, there is a bar called The Flying Saucer that has over 200 beers on tap and collectors plates of The Gambler on the walls. Oh, and there was live music everywhere. Unfortunately, we didn't get to experience everything, so tomorrow we are going to tour the Stax and Sun Records museums. Until then, keep it real.

Trophy Count:
Starbucks City Mugs-2 (Memphis, Indianapolis)
Slurpees Enjoyed-2 (Full Throttle, Coffee)
Bizarre QSR Restaurants-2 (Waffle House, Sonic)
Newspapers-4 (Chicago Sun-Times, Memphis Commercial Appeal, The Tennessean, New York Post)

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Road Trippin Day 1

For those not in the know, my roomies and I are road tripping down to the Nashville area to see one Cody Bruce Stevens and also to do all sorts of crazy shit in between. Whenever I have net access, I am going to give a little rundown of the occurrences. Here goes day one.

We left the MPLS metroplex at 10 PM Friday night. I have never driven through Wisconsin late at night, and let me tell you, it is just as boring as driving it during the day (with the added danger of no street lights). After driving nearly straight through, we stopped outside of Rockford to sleep at one of those over the highway mall/rest stops they call Oasis's. Slept for about three hours, and headed out for the Chi-City.

We finally arrived in Chicago around 9 and parked at a Red Line Park and Ride to take the train to Wrigley. When we got to Wrigley, we found the first scalper we could and bought some tickets. This resulted in an awesome scalper fight, which went something like this:

Brah Scapler(Whom we didn't buy tix from): Hey, always buy the first fucking car you see?
Me: Yep, always.
Scalper #1(Whom we DID buy from):Hey, fuck you you fucking prick.
Brah Scalper:Naw man, fuck YOU!

At this point when people stopped being polite and started being real, I realized it was beer time. We went to the Cubby Bear and somehow ran into Grabski's sister and brother-in-law. After having one too many, I bought a Cubs hat and sauntered into Wrigley. Our seats were about 20 rows up on the third base line, and it was awesome. And the Cubs beat the shit out of the Pirates to the point where we left in the 8th because it was really cold and misty.

So we drove around for about an hour trying to find a Girodano's. When we did find one, we were all so fucking exhausted we couldn't enjoy the za as much as one would hope. After that, we found a Comfort INN in Des Planes and slept from 6PM to 7AM due to having been up nearly two days in a row.

Next: All The Way To Nashville(And Memphis, and Atlanta?)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Vampire Weekday

Jake Eickholt is having THE WORST WEEK EVER! For example:

-I got bitched out at work for a myriad of things I couldn't control. This is normal, but this week it seemed even more so.

-My breaks went out.

-When trying to fix my breaks, the stupid fucking bolt didn't fit in the stupid fucking break, causing me to spend 85 motherfucking dollars on retard ass equipment I have to return.

-I have to drive my brothers 1985 Fleetwood Brougham 30 cocksucking miles to goddamn cake eating Eden Prairie tomorrow so my pops can take my car to the mechanic, where I can blow for fucking cheddah on getting the buttfucking breaks repaired.

-I'm still fat

-The Twins are making the fucking reject Tigers look like a bastard child of the 1927 Yankees and those A's teams from the 70's that Reggie played on.

-The Wild cannot, I repeat, cannot score a goal in the first two periods of a hockey game(even if they dug up the corpse of Wayne Gretzky).

-I HAD TO CLEAN SHIT UP TWO NIGHTS AGO! I cannot stress how fucking unpleasant this was. I would rather watch Jack, Man Of The Year, and Bicentennial Man for 8 hours straight than do this ever again.

-My mom made turkey tenderloin when I came over for dinner tonight. I hate tenderloin, be it pork or turkey. Just say it, tenderloin. It sounds really gay, and it has the consistency of a sponge.

-My credit card came in the mail (after 10 days) WITH THE PIN ATTACHED. Seeing as how I live across the street from the Saint Anthony/New Brighton police home (aka the Welfare Palace Appartments) I am not surprised my card wasn't stolen and then some Wilin Ass Gangsta withdrew all the money in my savings.

-The Southwestern Chicken Sammich from McDonalds I ordered today came out wet. I mean, like they steamed the whole fucking box then presented it to me.

-The only new CD I saw this week was the new Mariah Carey CD. I'm sorry, but I gave up jerking off to CD covers in the 1-9-9-9.

-Jason Kubel plays for the Twins. He looks like some dude from my uncles Northside posse circa 1997 who wore a wifebeater and may have nailed high school chicks.

There's probably more, but I got to get in my BroHam and mosey on down the road.

Monday, April 14, 2008

We Chocolate Crossover

Ah, yes, Spring. Or was we like to call it in Minnesota, the three weeks before Summer...

For some reason, Spring has fucking sucked this year. Sucked more than Larry Craig in a bathhouse in 1976. The weather has felt like what I picture London being like, the Twins are inconsistent, and yesterday, my utility closet filled with my neighbors dookie.

Yep, what I thought was a burst pipe was somehow my neighbors shite. This is quite possibly the grossest fucking thing that I have ever experienced. Trust me, you never feel as humble as when you are cleaning up someone else's doodoo feces and toilet paper. From now on, the U.C. is going to be called the "Michael Jackson Memorial Utility Closet." All will be better if the Wild somehow score a motherfucking goal and beat the Avs. Oh, and I will be at Wrigley Field in six days. That fact is so sexual it makes me want to cry real big boy tears.

The Cuts(DooDoo Wap Is Strong In Here Edition):
X-Ray Spex-Germ Free Adolescents
AC/DC-Highway To Hell
KISS-Ladies Room
Arcade Fire-Keep The Car Running.

Monday, April 07, 2008

I Slapbox with Jesus

Reggaeton is one of those musical abnormalities that had about 13 seconds in the sun (for a similar run, see Techno is 1997 or Power Pop in 1991) then faded back comfortably into its niche. The only reggaeton song I can name is "Gasolina" by Daddy Yankee, and I am pretty sure that is because a girl I had a crush on played it one night before we went group salsa dancing. Maybe that guy Pitbull is considered reggaeton, I don't really know. But I digress...

The reason that I bring this up is that my roomie Nathan A. Heck was reading a Mexican Telanueva magazine at work the other day and came across an ad for this gentleman:


According to a chart in the Mexican Soap Opera Digest, our boy has the #4 hit in Mexico. Wow. I really don't know if this guy is black, white, Latino or something else, but calling yourself Nigga probably requires the biggest cojones I have ever encountered. Shit, I would never call myself Kraut, or Pollack if I was Polish. Or MC Wap if I was Italian. I'm just amazed by the name. And that reggaeton still has an audience.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

We Will Rise From The Ashes

Fridley Cheapo has re-opened! It closed down on 3/29, re-opened sometime last week. Very confusing. When I asked the clerk about the situation, all I got was a "yes, we're open at least for today." I'm not sure that there has ever been a precedent for a retail establishment closing for a week and then reopening randomly like nothing happened. Seriously, they even had the new R.E.M and Black Keys CDs on the new release wall. All I do know is that I am incredibly pleased that I have a CD store less than five miles from my house once again. The thought of having to drive to Uptown for one CD kind of scared me.

In other news, I cannot stand that gas is $3.30 a gallon. Wasn't the liberation of Iraq supposed to drive down oil costs? Oh, and it's spring. Gas us supposed to go down in cost due to there being not as much need for heat. What exactly is happening here? And is there anyway to change it?

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Jake Eickholt Wishes He Ran On Dunkin'

It's 9:30, the Twins look like shit, and I want a cup of coffee.

Not just any coffee. I want coffee with so much sugar and coffee blended into one unholy mess that my teeth feel like they are going to fall out. No simple Starbucks, McDonalds or god forbid, a Caribou will do. I want something from Dunkin Donuts.

But there are none anywhere near me. The closest Dunkin is in Milwaukee. And to think, just three years ago there was a Dunkin Donuts less than five miles from my house. What the fuck is with Minnesotans and their adverse reaction to chain stores? We don't get 7 Eleven, we get Super America. We didn't get Exxon or Shell until like five years ago. Instead, we got bullshit like People's Plus and Fina. I always feel like we are the bastard stepchild of the corporate world. "Oh they don't need a Sonic Drive Inn. They have A&W Hot Dogs and More!"

But back to the lecture at hand. Dunkin Donuts has some really overly caffeinated, overly sugared coffee. And right now, that would be just what the doctor ordered. Either that, or a croissant from Tim Horton's. When the hell are we gonna get one of those?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Mabye I'M Crazy (aka A Treatise On The Death Of The CD)

The death of the Compact Disc is closer than you would ever think. Most say that the CD will die within the next ten years, but after my experience tonight, I give it three years. Tops.

It all started last evening, when I started up iTunes and saw that the new Gnarls Barkley album "The Odd Couple" was for sale. I had read that it leaked, so I figured that it was releasing today. I was wrong. The music was only available via download, not in conventional CD form. I went to Target and they had none in stock. If Target can carry niche CDs by Vampire Weekend and MIA, I figured that they would have Gnarls (who went platinum last time out). Nope.

Turns out that the CD will be for sale as soon as it hits retail, that it went on iTunes due to the leak. I don't believe it at all. This was a test to see what kind of demand music will have when there is no physical product available. I know for a fact that Target, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, et al get media in about six weeks average before its release date. Most would have had the CD in stock. My theory is that Downtown Records told retail to sit on the CD for a week to see how well it would sell without the product being in stores. Think about how much the label could make by not having to ship anything, let alone produce artwork and casing. One gold selling CD could make a label a couple million dollars only being available in digital form. Obviously it is a good business model, but I feel cheated buying air and not having a physical product.

It all reminds me of when my dad went to buy an LP at Title Wave around 1988 or 89. The clerk told him he could order it for him for an extra $5, or he could just buy the cassette or CD which they had in stock. I remember how sad he was that vinyl was dead and how much he complained about cassettes and their inferior quality. That is the same way I feel about digital over CDs(or vinyl for that matter). It's the end of an era, and there's no turning back.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Voulez Vous Couchet Avec Moi, C'est Soi?

Goddamn, that chick that the Gov of New York paid money to bang is really, really hot. So hot that if I were a politician (or an installation coordinator) I would pay an exuberant amount of money to have sex with. I mean, really, she's right in the Jake Eickholt alleyway. Kinda Jew-y, brunette, and with just the right amount of Thicke. Oh "Kristen", I'm lost without you, can't help myself.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Closing Time, You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't...Stay...Here

Whilst at the gym tonight, sexy Julie Nelson told me in High-Def that the Legislature is trying to pass a bill allowing bars to be open an extra two hours during the month of the RNC in Saint Paul. I wasn't sure she said MPLS too (because I was too busy thinking about how I need to get High-Def to watch KARE 11 she-anchors) but I can only assume. If this were to happen, it would be right up there with obtaining a copy of "Bad Sister" in things that I wish would happen really soon. It would be so awesome to be a real city, I would feel like Drunknoccio and T-Paw would be my mulleted Gepetto. This would be colossal, to the point where I would have to take at least a week off of work and save up for cabs. Just imagine how much more drunker you could get in that extra two hours. People wouldn't go out until after midnight, Denny's would combust with the weight of drunken brahs, and hangovers would be the fashion of Fall! Sorry about the ranting, its just that I remember the days of 1 o'clock bar close and how bad that was on the fun. Four A.M would be an additional hour on Matchbox 20s second biggest hit even. Take that Rob Thomas!

In other news, I just read that the new Black Keys album was produced by Danger Mouse. This thing is going to be GIGANTIC!, like top ten Billboard gigantic. Honestly, the Black Keys are the only band that I hear generating any kind of buzz from the non-core of music freaks that I hang out with. When my dad asks about them, you know somethings up.

RIP Jeff Healy...what the hell is this Road House curse going around. First Healy dies, then Dalton gets pancreatic cancer...I just wish it was a curse of Point Break that only effected Lori Petty. That bitch always rubbed me the wrong way.