Wednesday, June 25, 2008

He Wore Diamonds On The Inside

Softball news--The Nature Boys would have won two games last night if it weren't for fucking Grammy. Singlehandedly beaten by Mr. Johnson, Naitch came back and beat up on team Monopoly Hockey in the night cap, 17-8. That brings the record up to 4-11, which Crystal Park and Rec cannot fathom, as they have the Blue and Gold listed at 1-14. For shame!

In other news--I cannot wait to go to the Twins-Brewers game Friday night. I plan on root, root, rooting for the home team due to the fact that there will be tons of fat cheese-bloated Sconnies there cheering for their mediocre Brewers. Not to mention the fact that we owned their stadium two weeks ago. Plus, they probably all need a vacation from the "awesome" city of Milwaukee and their "fantastic architecture" consisting of crumbling Victorian houses and dirty breweries. Don't forget the casino in the city limits!

I will give Milwaukee one thing-they know who they are. I didn't see a bunch of museums and theatres in Milwaukee. Guess what? I bet cheeseheads know that they are Midwestern and working class, unlike some cities that I can think of (cough...MPLS...cough).

Monday, June 23, 2008

We've Got Stars Directing Our Fate

So VH1 is airing "I Love The New Millennium." Although I find this very Balki Bartakamous, I will watch it anyways. Because I love listening to C and D list celebs talk about things I am completely familiar with.

I think deep down inside of my soul, these jokers validate my existence by discussing pop culture trifle that I thought no one else (besides me and my immediate friends) find interesting. For example, I got a twinge of joy when they brought up Shaggy's 2001 #1 hit "It Wasn't Me." I don't particularly like this song, although I will sing it when alone in my car or drunk off cheap brandy. No, the only reason I got some enjoyment out of seeing it on the show was it reminded me of senior year in high school, and I also thought that everyone else forgot about it.

I get the same feeling when I discuss old video games. I almost did a Pete Townsend like windmill on air guitar when my co-workers and I discussed Snowboard Kids for the N64. All this pop culture nonsense makes me (and I assume others) feel like members of a secret cool kids club. Except all the cool kids are really dorky.

In other news, the Sonic in Saint Paul finally opened...

...and, of course, Minnesotans shit all over it. Listen you tree hugging faux Minnesota Nice clowns, I work in the fast food industry, and I have worked in the QSR industry for eight years on and off. Quit hating all over chain restaurants for no reason! Most of the comments are of the "I could make a better burger at home" and "buy local ingredients" variety. Guess what? I am 25, I am single, I enjoy fast food, and I would rather not buy jalapenos, bacon and cheddar cheese to make the same thing I can get at Wendy's for $2.99. To all those who like going to the corner grocer or stopping at the farmers market: YOU ARE THE REASON THAT I CANNOT GET A FUCKING SLURPEE UNLESS I GO TO CHICAGO! Choices, people. Some of us don't like to play hero and really enjoy shopping at non-union shops like Target for our groceries.

Oh, and just to clairify, I don't even like Sonic that much. I just like variety, which is something that our cake and punch Lutherans just cannot stand.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Your Eyes Have A Mist From The Smoke Of A Distant Fire...

Tuesday was a big day for me. Not only did I go 7-9 with 5 RBI in my three softball games and the Nature Boys tore up our second game, but Kevin Garnett won the NBA title.

KG was the second most important athlete in the history of the Twin Cities (we all know the first). The way he was ride or die for a cold, poncey metropolis for 13 years will be something I will never forget, along with his incredible intensity on the court and the fact that his biggest regret after winning the MVP in 2004 was that he couldn't go to Best Buy and buy DVDs anymore without being hounded. KG seemed like a good person who busted ass at work every day. I respect that in anyone, let alone a pro athlete.

So when I saw the image of KG getting emotional on ABC Tuesday at a packed Buffalo Wild Wings in Crystal, I got a little misty. I thought about a lot of things, mainly how that should have been at the Target Center in 2004 and not at the Gaaahden in 2008. I thought about how I felt in 1991 when Kirby made that catch and hit that homer in game 6. I thought about how I would feel if I could ever see another local team be the best in the world. But mainly I thought about how awesome it would be if KG gave love to us (which, as a matter of fact, he did, first and foremost. Unfortunately I didn't found out about this until after the fact).

I'm not an emotional guy when it comes to public events. I really don't cry at funerals or weddings, and I most certainly don't cry at most movies. The following is a list of times I have gotten misty in the last ten years that I can recall (not involving real everyday events):

-"Rocky Balboa"
-KG winning the title
-The episode of "Futurama" where Fry's dog waits for him and the one that features his lucky clover
-The 2004 World Series speech where Curt Schilling toasts the Red Sox as the best ever
-"A Walk To Remember"
-The Ric Flair tribute on WWE Raw
-The death of Owen Hart/tribute

I also may have gotten teary eyed a some point during the whole 9/11 era, mainly though I just remember feeling really dazed and running away from the TV to sit in Nick Miller's LeBaron and eat Quesadillas from Taco Bell while we waited for the Star Tribune truck to deliver the extra. I also think I went to the farm even though I didn't work that day.

Anyways, I couldn't be happier for KG, although I wish that we could have had that night at the Target Center.

Monday, June 16, 2008

What Made Milwaukee Famous...

On Saturday, I got the chance to go to Milwaukee to watch the Twins destroy the Brewers. It was awesome. The only downside is that I am still super hoarse today but it was worth it. The Twins won 9-4 and rubbing that in a bunch of Miller-Drunk frat boys faces was a treat all in itself. I rocked the red TC hat with a Cubs shirt, and one guy said that I didn't like my life because of that combo. I replied that I liked to support winners, to which he threatened to stick his foot up my ass. I never got footed, which was pretty damn cool.

I also enjoyed a brat with a Milwaukee exclusive concoction called "secret stadium sauce." I have no idea what is in this stuff, but my god is it tasty. It's like a cross between ketchup, Arby Sauce and Heinz 57. It's so good that I had to stop on the way home at a grocery store to pick up my own bottle for Minnesota eating pleasure. And the sauce holds up my theory that the only good things to come out of Wisconsin are food and drink related.

In other awesome news, the dance studio next door to my works World Headquarters is moving out so we can take over their space in August. The dance studio just threw out 25 years of crap, including about 100 records. If you don't think that I didn't do a little dumpster diving, then you don't know Jacob Donald Eickholt. Here are the cuts:

-"Hangin' Tough"-New Kids On The Block
-"Batman" Soundtrack
-"Don't Be Cruel"-Bobby Brown
-"La Bamba" Soundtrack
-"The Karate Kid" Soundtrack (featuring the anthem "You're The Best" by Joe "Bean" Esposito)
-"Behind The Wheel/Route 66"- Depeche Mode (12" Single)
-"The Rain"-Oran "Juice" Jones (12" Single)

For Christian: I got you the 12" for "Brand New Lover" by Dead Or Alive
For Nate: I got you the entire Taco album.

There might be some more gems there, I'm gonna look tomorrow again. I am a little pissed someone took the "Howard The Duck" soundtrack. I would like to re-live the scene where foxy little 80s Lea Thompson fucks the duck.

Monday, June 09, 2008

In Seattle, In Seattle

"Your Boy Just Hit 600".

And so a text told me about an event that should have happened in 2004. Ken Griffey Junior hit his 600th career home run tonight in Miami, Fla. If you don't know why this is important to me, then you probably didn't know me between 1992 and 2000.

During those years, I followed every single move that Junior made. I collected his baseball cards, I bought Seattle Mariners hats (I even had the turquoise fitted one and the one with the silver bill) and I went to at least one Mariners-Twins game a year. I even kept a scrapbook with clippings from USA Today and the Star Tribune. But when Griffey went to Seattle in 2000, I kind of lost touch. National League ball doesn't interest me as much as AL, so I kept on following Seattle(these were really bad, Scott Stahoviak and Pat Meares years for the Twins) even though Griffey had left.

As it turned out, I wasn't missing much. Griffey spent a huge chunk of time on the DL and his prodigious stats fell off a bit. Most predicted that he would break Aaron's record, with all the injuries he had, it looked like a miracle to get to 500. But he did, and around 2004, Griffey started putting up really solid numbers again. And tonight, he finally got to 600.

It was a happy moment for me personally. Griffey always seemed like a good player to follow(family man, played the right way, had one of the best lines in the best Simpsons episode ever) and I guess that this was sort of a vindication for picking the good guy when all my friends liked players like Albert Belle (nutcase) or Jeff Bagwell (looked like he was sitting on the toilet when he batted, was washed up by 33).

Congrats, Junior.

P.S.-The Twins are sucking hardcore right now, so it pleasures me to write something positive about baseball.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

You Say, I Only Hear What I Want To

Yesterday I watched "Reality Bites" for the first time. Yes, I know, the movie came out in 1994 and I was 12 so I was old enough to watch it yada yada yada. I haven't seen a lot of movies, I know. Some things in "Reality Bites" really moved me though (besides Winona Rider hiding her natural hotness). Trouble was, they moved me the wrong way.

You see, ol' Wino Forever has to choose between two guys (Ben Stiller's yuppie and Ethan Hawke's tortured musician). Only one guy loves her, the other treats her like shit. One guy tries to help her career, the other smokes weed out of a Pepsi can, dances like a tard to "My Sharona" and plays Violent Femmes covers in a coffee house. Guess which guy she picks? Yep, the tortured artist who treats her like shit. This wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if it wasn't so fucking true.

Most women I know pick the less safe bet, and I can't understand it. Shit, most GUYS I know would rather get with the train wreck than the safe bet. And this is why I haven't had success with the ladies over the last few years. I am the safe bet. I'm the guy who won't leave, who probably won't piss you off except for buying too many CDs. A lot of my friends are like this also. The ones who are far from the safe bet are the ones who get the most, to quoth Sir Mick, girlie action.

I really don't know where I'm going with this, other than "Reality Bites" pissed me off more than any movie since "Fahrenheit 9/11" because it was more of a documentary than that film ever was.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Sequestered In Memphis

It's 2:30 AM on a Saturday, I'm not drunk, and I cannot sleep because I just downloaded the new Hold Steady single "Sequestered In Memphis".

Is this band capable of writing a bad song? Shit, its got horns, piano, sing-along chorus. You know Craig and the boys know their musical history, so they have to know that they are singing about Memphis and using soul horns and it's not just a happy accident, right? And the words, the story's not "Chips Ahoy!" or "Your Little Hoodrat Friend" in terms of a novel in three minutes but it is close. "In barlight she looked alright/In daylight she looked desperate." Fucking brilliant. Someday, if I get my money right, I will be making a movie about Holly, Gideon and Charlemagne if they will let me.

Five plays in a row now. The album drops on the 15th, the concert is a week later. July is looking pretty positive.