Xmas Song of the Day - 'Wonderful Christmastime' by Sir Paul

Let's kick off the week of Christmas with some "cheer". By cheer I mean "the Christmas song I hate the fucking most". I have always loved the Beatles and have come to love Paul McCartney's songcraft as an adult. Wingspan maybe has been bumped more than any other greatest hits I own. Yet all that love cannot make up for this lovely little ditty that was dropped on us:



Thank god the only place I have heard this song this year was a liquor store. Being surrounded by all that sexy ass beer made me forget about what was aurally raping me for a minute.

I used to have a coworker at Starbucks who would sing this song in July just to piss me off. So even when I am getting a latte I now harken back to that random whaa-whaa noise in the song. Thanks Paul, first you ruined coffee with this:

http://stereogum.com/5532/why_isnt_starbucks_playing_paul_mccartney/video/

and then you got all up in my cup with your horseshit carol.

My only saving grace for years was that, according to Wikipedia back in the day, 'Wonderful Christmastime' caused tens of Japanese to kill themselves. Now suicide is a sad thing (and IS NOT a solution, no matter what Ozzy said) but the thought of people killing themselves because of this song gave me a sort of righteous feeling. "I was right! It is that bad," I told myself. But then it disappeared off the wiki page around 2007, and I was stuck with the cold reality that 'Wonderful Christmastime' was just a pax on my eardrums for two months a year. Nothing more, nothing less.

Song of the Day - 'Bad Boy' by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine

I found this 45 for 50 cents (with the picture sleeve!) today. I don't know if there is a single 80s song that encapsulates the awesomeness of the pop music of that decade better...



Strangely this is not the version of the video I remember as a kid. I remember the Machine and Gloria (GLOR-IA!) partying on some beach in Miami, wearing very 80s bathing suits. You know, the ladies in bikinis that looked like a bow tie and the dudes in little Speedo joints. I sort of like the weird vibe of this one more though.

I think it's pretty damn tubular, or rad, or gnarly that Gloria is partying with the cast of Cats. You really can't get much more 80s than that can you?

Song of the Day - 'Don't Cry No Tears' by Neil Young

It's winter time, a time for seasonal depression, hot toddies (not the Usher and Jay-Z version) and more seasonal depression. So ladies and gents, I give you the best breakup song by old Uncle Neil to wallow in your winter blues:



Somehow it took me until October to buy the album "Zuma". Wow, was I missing out. I'm pretty sure this joint trumps about half of the other Neil Young albums I own (espcially "American Stars N Bars"). And 'Don't Cry No Tears' is the best opener on a Neil Young record. For the historical record, 'Cinnamon Girl' of "Everybody Knows This is Nowhere" is second.

Bonus points to this song for sounding like it was recorded in about 1994 by some really good Seattle band. It's true, Uncle Neil was the "Godfather of Grunge", even though that title is pretty icky. DOUBLE bonus points for the song 'Cortez the Killer' on this album birthing Built To Spill. Because I wouldn't be a complete human being if "There's Nothing Wrong With Love" didn't come into my life in college.

So thanks again, Neil Young. Your supernatural abilities to create well rounded emotional dainty weirdoes like me are greatly appreciated.

Song of the Day - 'Nightcrusing' by the Bar-Kays

Work has beat me like Ike on Tina lately, so tonight I was coolin' in my mansion bumping Motown Christmas and hating Diana Ross (due to what Nas said she did at Florence Ballard's funeral). For some reason Christmas music makes me sad and happy at the same time, so after that record I threw on this 50 cent cutout bin jam:



Oh damn, is this one some early 80s monster funk. God how I love the whining synths of this era. I never tire of the blend of synthetic and natural that makes early 80s soul so unique. It was baby making music made by a robot/loverman hybrid, and it totally gets me going.

Just for shits, I will throw another track from this album into the mix:



Now THIS is the truth! "I'm your Freaky Behavior/Your funky New Waver". All of us in the know know that New Wavers were fon-kay, especially the black ones that previously recorded 'Soul Finger'. Gotta give it up to these cuts, they don't make ANYTHING that sounds like this anymore (like I said, a robot/loverman mated with a Pac Man machine). And that truly is a damn shame.

Song of the Day - 'Tulsa Time' by Don Williams

Oh boy does this song rock hard for a country song. I had heard the Eric Clapton cover before but the Don Williams version is the Gangsta Shit with a capital "G" and "S". Plus, Don Williams looks pretty badass (even though I think his nickname was "The Gentle Giant").

Songs like this and 'Guitar Town' by Steve Earle make me want to be a shit kicking country troubadour, living out of a beat up bag and banging Lot Lizards. There is a certain sense of freedom in being alone on the road, nothing but you and the next exit and the song on the radio. Unfortunately, I will probably still just work tirelessly at a desk, not knowing what it is like to live on Tulsa Time (or any exotic time for that matter).

Song of the Day - "Make It With You" by Bread

This one goes out to the Saint Louis Cardinals, champions of the National League. Why, you ask? Because the Cardinals are much like this song. Technically proficient, very popular in the Midwest, and sort of boring. And also, I watch the Cards absent minded. Much like I listen to this song.

Maybe I am becoming MOR (much like Bread, who were the kings of Middle of the Road)? Tonight I ate sausages and beans with apple pie and watched sitcoms on CBS. Granted, one I was watching because it is awesome (How I Met Your Mother) and the other I was watching because I was transfixed by the tremenjousness of Kat Dennings ample, ample bosom (Two Broke Girls, I think). The first one makes me feel sad and warm at the same time in a very good way, and the other one featured a "wad in the face joke" and two reasons to tune in every week.

To stave off this MOR, middle age, wearing PJs at 8PM vibe, I think I need to listen to some Wire or Mission of Burma or something. But I'll probably just continue to Wikipedia food and defunct newspapers with SportsCenter on in the background for the next three hours and drift off to bed.

Song of the Day - "Hey Hey What Can I Do" by Led Zeppelin

So this is what constituted a B-Side in 1970? Jesus Fuck, what a jam! I found this 45 for a quarter the other day, and it totally blows 'Immigrant Song' (the A-Side) out of the water. And previously I thought nothing could blow that out of anything, because it was all about vikings and pillaging and probably also had references to the fine ass 15 year olds Jimmy Page was nailing back then.

But 'Hey Hey' comes with some hot fire about a mean woman who can ball all day, and who won't be true. That's not usually a good combo for a life partner, but I think the boys from the LZ weren't really looking for wifeys. The part where Mister Plant wails about going to church still confuses the fuck out of me though.

From doing a little research, I learned that this nugget was supposed to be on Led Zeppelin III. I am pretty sure it would have been a better song than 'Hats Off (To Roy Harper)' but there ain't no way it's fucking with the pastoral majesty of 'Tangerine'. All in all though, it makes me long for the time that bands were so badass that they could put something like 'Hey Hey' on a B-Side because they were just that damn good.

Song of the Day - 'Destination Unknown' by Missing Persons

This has always been one of the quintessential New Wave songs for me. I found the parent record "Spring Session M" today for 50 cents and I've been bumping it this evening. It's surprisingly pretty strong, and surprisingly sounds sort of contemporary (methinks the overwhelming trend of Turbo Pop on pop top 40 and dance rock on alt rock may have something to do with it). "Spring Session M" also has the awesome (and New Wave as fuck) 'Walking in L.A' and 'Words' on it.

It all makes me want to put on some leg warmers and hit up an abandoned factory to dance Footloose style.

Song of the Day - "Perfect Strangers Theme"

I have had a goal for the last ten years or so to turn this show into a Broadway musical. Since everything seems to be a fucking musical these days, I think my plan needs to come to fruition finally.

The setup is perfect. Vaguely Greek fish out of water/gay dude from Beverly Hills Cop, high flying Peter Pan pitchman. Lots of chicks with (presumably) feathered hair and pastels. The whitest description of Chicago ever portrayed in entertainment. And doesn't the tune make you want to take the world by the short hairs? "My life, my dreams, NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW!" How could it fail?

I'm going to Chi City next week for work. I may have to start doing some preliminary research while I'm there for my $10 million idea...

Winnipeg Day 2 & 3

Okay, so it's been a busy week since I returned from Winnipeg. I figure that I should at least finish what I started with a day two rundown of the trip, you know.

Most of day two in Winnipeg was spent dodging drunken Indian folk waiting at bus stops (again) and acquiring Canadian stuff. I bought a "Canada" Starbucks mug, a shit ton of Canadian goodies that you can't find here (Ketchup and All Dressed chips, a Cadbury Halloween assortment, Aero Bars) and ate some Boston's. Yes, I broke my trip rule and ate at a chain restaurant we have in the U.S. But at least I ordered a Molson "M"...which was like a boozier, skunkier version of Canadian. It was wonderful.

The whole draw of the trip was seeing Pearl Jam. And holy shit, they did not dissapoint. We ended up sitting 4th row, and at one point I was like ten feet from Eddie Vedder. I've been close at concerts to artists before, but never someone of the magnitude of Mister Vedder. I have a weird quirk where I don't really view celebrities or musicians as real people, they kind of exist as a cross between a demigod and a robot in my odd mind. So being that close to one of my favorite artists of all time blew my cranium up in ways I can't really put into words other than "fucking rad".

The set list was nowhere near as mind blowing as the two nights in Alpine Valley, but it was solid. I never much cared for the song 'Present Tense' but PJ was on some chhhuuuuuuch shit doing it live. It was my second favorite live moment by the band (numero uno was 'In My Tree' live at the PJ20 shows). And they closed with 'Indifference', which meant over the course of two weeks I pretty much got to see all of Ten and .vs done live.

Checkout time from the shit hole known as the Marlborough Hotel was probably the biggest buzzkill I have ever experienced. My friends driver side window was smashed in (probably by the awesomely named Winnipeg gang "Money Over Bitches"). Since the city is closed on Sundays, we had to drive 7 hours home with an open window. Not even the awesomeness of Tim Horton's could save the return.

Overall, the trip to the great white north was pretty so-so. Canada has it's own social problems (that I didn't ever expect to and never have come across up there) but at least Pearl Jam rocked. Maybe if they play Toronto or Thunder Bay or something next time, I'd be more pumped. Winnipeg is going to be on the "do not visit" list for the forseeable future though.

Song of the Day - 'Redemption' by Frank Turner

This song comes on like a transmission from some other time, when songwriters (well, besides maybe Craig Finn) could be vunreable, could be a fucked up mess. This is about as far away from pop music as you can get today, and that's a very good thing. Leave the party to clowns like LMFAO, let's hear some goddamn real talk for once.

Is the grass always greener on the other side when you are in a meandering relationship? Can we make our lives better than our parents? We all may think that it's better with someone new, that a college degree or a better car than mom and dad is a win. Usually that's not the case, and you want back with that old flame or you respect what your elders had that you don't.

The whole "England Keep My Bones" album is fantastic, but this is the cut that you will keep coming back to.

Song of the Day - R.E.M. - Leaving New York

R.E.M. was around so damn long it seemed people forgot about just how awesome they were. This makes my top five R.E.M songs list, and is one that most people slept on. I could have as easily have gone with 'At My Most Beautiful' or 'Bang and Blame' or 'Mine Smell Like Honey' as another great overlooked single.

Cheers to 31 years, for inventing (along with The Replacements, Husker Du, The Minutemen, et al) Alt Rock Nation. And for providing me with the cassingle for 'Shiny Happy People' when I was 10...

Winnipeg Day 1

The Great White North is riddled with homeless Indian punks...or that is what I took away from my first night in Winnipeg.

I left MPLS at 8 yesterday to head up to Winnipeg for a Pearl Jam show. The drive only took about seven hours, bit felt much longer because I was driving through the barren wasteland that in North Dakota. The only Ndak highlight was stopping at a gas station called Superpumper (which I will call the first porn I direct). At about 4PM we rolled into the land that 1989 forgot...Winnipeg.

Everything here looks like a suburb circa 1989. Tons of neon signage for gas stations, grocery stores and fast food places. Lots of sweatpants. It's sort of comforting in it's time warpedness. As we were about to go out and enjoy some Poutine for the evening, I got harassed for 35 cents by a homeless Indian in a Winnipeg Blue Bombers hat (the script kind that Rappers used to wear in the late 80s). I also watched a bunch of Indian punks in Tupac and Kimbo Slice hoodies loiter at a bus stop. It was sort of surreal. In MPLS, you can go a lifetime without seeing an Indian hip hop punk. Here, I saw 10 in five minutes.

Anyways, the Poutine was delicious. There were three news stories in thirty minutes about the Jets coming back, my credit card stopped working due to it crossing an international border, and I passed out after three beers at 11pm ( only to be awakened mid sleep by my neighbors headboard slamming on the wall). Very odd evening and I hope day 2 turns out a tad less odd.

Song of the Day - 'Here You Come Again' by Dolly Parton

This sounds like sunshine. It is like bouncing down a sidewalk on a summer day, bomb pop in hand, on the way to 7-Eleven to buy some baseball cards.

I would like to dedicate it to Tom Brady, because your supreme masculinity, flowing hair, dime piece wifey and football godhood make me fall for you. Like Debbie Gibson, I get lost. Lost in your eyes.

1994 MTV Rock N Jock Basketball

I cannot describe how giddy I was to find this on YouTube today.

You've got Rapaport, you've got Queen Latifah ballin' out of control. Shawn Kemp treating this game like it's the fucking actual All-Star game. The legendary Bellamy-Cortese rivalry. Kareem coaching. Mad buttcuts on the white dudes. The 25 point shot!Did I mention Rapaport?

I would kill for this to be released on DVD. This is the visual equivalent of Prozac, it's guaranteed to break you out of a funk.

Two Grown Ass Men Chat About "Thunder Island"

The song "Thunder Island" by Jay Ferguson is one of the most hot fire, bodacious, awesome songs of the 70s. Sung about some sort of tryst with a girl who's hair was "the color of an Indian Summer", the song reached #9 in 1978. As a child, I always had assumed that Ferguson and that fine ass little lass got stranded on Thunder Island in some sort of Blue Lagoon type thang and just banged like rabbits. Well, the other day at work, my co-hort Jeff Hill disagreed with these findings. The following transcript is what followed (Please Note: Vampiro is Vampire Weekend):

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:05 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

And you call yourself a music fan. That’s child’s play.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:06 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

Kids are the ones who don’t hold the infamous Vampiro in high regard…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:09 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

Adolescent minds are the ones who put Vampiro up on a pedestal. I put some effort in and gave them a listen with an open mind. I just didn’t feel them except for 1 track.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:10 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

And their cover of ‘I’m Going Down’.

I can’t believe you don’t like ‘Eye In The Sky’ by the Alan Parsons Project btw…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:14 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

My bad, they have two good songs. That was a good cover.

It’s an epic journey that I want no part of. The most epic journey I can be a part of is with my man Jay Ferguson out on Thunder Island.From: Jacob Eickholt

Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:15 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

They also have a killer cover of “Everywhere” by Fleetwood Mac as well…as well as most of their songs.

That is a very epic journey. As a kid I always felt like he was accidentally stranded there, and that it was a very similar situation to Brooke Shields on Blue Lagoon.

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:18 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

I wouldn’t know about that cover.

Oh he wanted to be out on that beach. I look at it like Leo getting a secret map to go out on a beautiful paradise where only the beautiful ones are welcome like in the hit film ‘The Beach’.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:22 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

You should.

Are you sure? I like that theory but were there other people on that beach too? I feel it was just them and they passed the hours without number, then escaped and had to say goodbye to the island.

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:28 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

It was just him and his boo out on that island. The severe weather brought them closer together and their relationship grew stronger after leaving Thunder Island.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:30 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

Who are you, a romance novel writer? It was a dude and some chick brought together by circumstance, and all they did was discover each others company and never talk again after leaving that magical island.

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:45 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

Jay Ferguson was a gentleman sir! I will not sit here and allow you to drag his good name through the mud.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 3:47 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

He was no such thing. An amazing tunesmith, yes he was. He was similar to my styles…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 4:02 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

He may have been running around before but that island changed him. After the storm he realized just how sacred life is. He realized that if he could conquer everything that Thunder Island threw at him, he could conquer anything else in life. That island made him a better person.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 4:05 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

You need help. PS I am going to publish this as a transcript on my blog.

And life is not sacred…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 4:10 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

If Jay Ferguson still tours and if he ever comes to Minneapolis, we are so getting front row tix.

An Ode To A Sammich

I had just gone record shopping
I bought some Cheap Trick and some Icehouse, maybe some fiddy cent a-ha
Denny's beckoned, I needed you inside me
I sat alone, ordered a Diet Coke and You
You were more carbs than even this seasoned eater could take
Glistening with cheddar, mayo, more cheddar, and gravy
Like a poorer man's Poutine
One time was enough, but I will never forget our nooner
Denny's Midwestern Meat and Potatoes Sandwich

Old School Video of the Day "----------" by ________

I can't name this post or mention the artist for certain reasons beyond my control...but I can speak in codes about them.

Today ended a four day week where I almost put in 40 hours. I was all amped up for a night of drinking, but I got a migraine. Plus, the Twins are getting spanked hard. Then I went on YouTube, and I saw this:



Holy shit, watching this is like slamming a Full Throttle and snorting a pixy stick. Look at that energy! And it's on the Grammys, and this artist was killing it. One of the top five ever to get in the music game, at the top of their powers, proving the title of the song more than apt. And even the drummer gets some.

If you don't find this amazing, I can't fathom how we could be friends. I also can't fathom how you could like music, the color purple, entertainment, humanity or life itself.

Old School Video of the Day "In These Arms" by Bon Jovi

MTV turned 30 today. Think about that for a second...

Today's video is by a band that probably wouldn't have been huge without MTV. Sure, some of Bon Jovi's singles may have cracked radio in the pre-video days, but MTV made the group mega stars. I mean, Dokken rocked harder and had better singles (well, pre "Slippery When Wet") but no one remembers "Breaking The Chains" the same way they remember comparable Bon Jovi fare like "In and Out of Love" and "Runaway".



And guess what? Yep, it's a concert video. I honestly cannot remember a Bon Jovi video that is non-concert. Well, maybe that "Livin On A Prayer" remake they did called "It's My Life" but I think they may have even been on stage in that. Also, please note that this is from the JBJ era where he thought he was going to be an ACTORRRR and trimmed his Aqua Net perfect mane for a quasi-lesbian joint. (Maybe that is why this only cracked the top 30?).

Anyways, this song is probably my favorite work by the group that isn't called "Bad Medicine" or came off of "Slippery When Wet". I recently found the 45 for this one in a stack I hadn't gone through in a while and I have been bumping it on the reg. Brings back warm childhood memories of Ghost in the Graveyard and watching Studs.

IHOP Ad - 1969

I love chain breakfast places. On my totem pole of diners that I go to when hungover, fucked up, or after a concert, IHOP comes in 3rd (behind Perkins and Denny's). After seeing this very unsettling ad from the late 60's, I may have to drop the HOP off my list (NOTE: Watch at your own risk).



Whoa. Not only is the creepy balloon family scary enough for Wes Carpenter to make a series of lackluster films around, they have to go and add THAT SONG! It's like Alvin and those Chipmunks hit the nitrous and recorded this bad boy while channeling Alister Crowley.

And the food! That salad looks like something my mom made on one of her heath food kicks in the 80s. The meatballs look plastic. Strangely though, the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity looks almost as you get it in the restaurant. And what the fuck is with that weird chicken dish the little girl gets?

After forays into the ad game like this, it boggles the mind that the International House of Pancakes is still around today.

Old School Video of the Day "Hands To Heaven" by Breathe

I have a confession to make: I love this song. I bump this fucking song in my car and sing the words like I just broke up with the love of my life. Sometimes, I do very non heterosexual hand motions to the part where the lead singer sings "Toniiiiiigh I need your sweet caress". For some reason, this song reaffirms my will to live on really shitty days. Shit, I think this may be the SECOND time I have written a blog about this song in the last five years.



There was an article I read years ago that said this was Simon Cowell's favorite song. I remember the overall tone of the quote made it seem like Simon Cowell was a total douche for loving "Hands To Heaven", but I can totally see why he does. The song is nearly perfect, from the swooning vocals/sax combo to the vague ass lyrics that describe having to leave in the morning but wanting to play buck-buck that night. And (probably most important to Cowell) it moved an assload of singles in 1988, reaching #2 on the Hot 100.

So I'm gonna scream it from the rooftops. "Hands To Heaven" may be emotional pap, but it's WONDERFUL emotional pap.

Old School Video of the Day "Freak Like Me" by Adina Howard

Oh man, did I hate this song when it was originally out. I'm not sure why, I think it was the "boom boom" part. Just say it Adina, say "fuck". Even a 13 year old white boy in the burbs knew what you were talking about.



Strangely, the other day this came on at work (the production crew bumps a lot of the Billboard Top 100 year end lists) and I sort of liked it. It sounds about 100 times better than most of the shit that's out on Top 40, and it cracked me up that my co-worker felt the need to talk about Adina Howard's ass being "mad on point".

So throw on your flannel or your Girbauds, maybe crack a Zima, and cool out to the booty jam of the summer of 1995. Shit, this song is now legal to drive...

Give Me a Leonard Cohen Afterworld So I Can Sigh Eternally

The new issue of Spin arrived today. Kurt Cobain was on the cover, which didn't strike me as odd (due to Spin putting Old Saint Kurdt on the cover what seems like annually). Odd didn't describe the feeling that struck me. The feeling felt more like a creeping sadness. You see, the mag was pimping the 20th anniversary of Nevermind. And that made me feel really old, and as an extension of this oldness, it made me feel irrelevant.

Nevermind dropped on September 24th, 1991. I was almost 9. The album didn't enter my conscious mind until sometime in the next Spring, when the local top 40 station KDWB started playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" sandwiched in between Michael Bolton and Arrested Development joints. I liked it, but I also liked "Warm It Up" by Kris Kross and "The First Time" by Surface. There was no filter, it was just another pop song.

Nirvana didn't really resonate for me until right before the release of In Utero in the Fall of 1993. By then, I had started qualifying genres and realized I liked the rock music first, the rap second, and all the other shitty pop third. The Friday before the release of In Utero, MTV ran a special episode of 120 Minutes where they played all the videos Nirvana ever did in chronological order (and, for some reason, "It's The End of the World As We Know It" by R.E.M). When I saw the "In Bloom" video air after the two songs I knew off Nevermind (SLTS and "Come As You Are") I was fucking hooked.

The video appealed to my nostalgia (yes, even at 11 I was nostalgic)with it's faux Ed Sullivan setting, and my sense of weird (holy shit, those dudes are wearing dresses and breaking shit!). Oh, and it rocked. I knew that I would have to buy Nevermind when I actually got some money of my own.

I didn't actually buy the CD until after Kurt Cobain died. It was, however, amongst the first four CDs I bought with my own money from the BMG Music Service (also Aerosmith Pump and Permanent Vacation, and August and Everything After by The Counting Crows). Nevermind didn't disappoint. It was the first CD I actually listened to the whole way though (usually I listened once, picked the singles and songs I liked, and skipped the filler) and it was the first CD where I studied the liner notes intently. It was also taken away from me by my dad for a while, due to my brothers reporting me for the picture of Kurt flicking off the camera on the inner sleeve.

To say that Nevermind was one of the moments that changed my view of popular culture is not an understatement. It was the first piece of entertainment that I loved that was both sort of outsider AND mainstream. It taught me to give the whole album a chance, goddammit, because a "Drain You" might be lurking amidst all that filler. And it conditioned my ears to the kind of verse, chorus, verse soft loud shit that would blow my mind later on (The Pixies Doolittle was a big influence on the group).

Sadly, Nevermind belongs to my generation, and our grip on pop culture is slipping away. There are probably 10 year old kids out there right now hearing the new Foo Fighters album who have no clue Dave Grohl was in another band. It seems a lot of the shit that blew my mind back in the day has lost it's punch. Clerks was the first movie I ever saw that had my sense of humor, and with every shitty movie Kevin Smith makes, Clerks dies a little. Same goes for the rebels of my era. Ice Cube was a scary, scary motherfucker (who y'all loved to hate) and now he makes family films. Charles Barkley was the most bad ass dude on the court not named Michael Jordan, and now he's a joke machine (who still entertains, but he HAS been a role model to up and coming announcers).

The older I get, the more out of touch I seem to be with whatever the fuck is it. I don't get Affliction and Ed Hardy and shit (well, I GET it being ridiculous) and I probably never will. Same goes for things like Twilight...I mean, really? Sparkly werewolves or whatever? I try to get it, but I just don't. There was a time where I would actually understand why people liked something, now it escapes me. And this makes me feel like, to quote a sort of modern artist, I'm Losing My Edge.

Guess Who's Back? Back Again...

Hey there. Did you miss me?

Sorry about the lack of execution on my part. I have had a hellacious last month and a half. I got promoted at work into a Project Manager role, which requires a lot of work both on and off the clock, and I didn't want to cut into my precious drinking time. So I cut back on the blogging.

What ELSE have I done on my summer vacay, you ask? Well, I have played a lot of softball. I bought some vinyl, and I saw some movies. Yes, I actually watched some films (The Box with Cameron Diaz was by far the worst, the new X-Men was kick ass, and Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore in sort of cute mode was surprisingly decent).

Overall, this has been a weird ass summer. It IS summer (my sexy ass tanned hide and the full blast AC can attest to that) but it doesn't FEEL like summer. The All Star game sucked ass. There hasn't been an epic summer song yet (LMFAO can kiss my ass with that "Party Rockers in the house" shit). The Twinkies are partying like it's 1999 (really, where is Pat Meares?). And Will Smith hasn't dropped some visual comfort food on our movie going laps. 2K11 is fucking off, man.

Fortunately, there are some cabin getaways planned in the next couple of weeks. I am going to use the Southhaven City drunken street dance as my summer coming out party, with any times in Indian Country later in the season as proof of my reign. So rejoice, because the summer needs to start soon. And even if it doesn't, I'm back like MJ in the 45.

Norm Sucks (Even 18 Years Later)

While searching for something else online today, I came across this old Sports Illustrated article about Norm Green moving the North Stars out of Minnesota in 1993. It's funny how much something like this can open up old wounds.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1138154/1/index.htm

My family went to quite a few games at the old Met Center per year. I'm not one of those people who claims to have been at a shit ton of games and not actually attended, I was there. Hell, one time my dad and I drove in a blizzard to watch the Stars play the Maple Leafs with about 500 other people. I also witnessed many a fight between Blackhawks and Stars fans in the parking lot. It was pretty enjoyable to watch grown men chant "Secord Sucks" drunk off their ass on Stroh's at 3 PM on a January Sunday afternoon.

Hockey was my #2 sport to watch behind baseball. After the Stars left, I really can't get into it. Sure, we have the Wild. But their style of hockey is just so goddamned boring. Plus, they somehow have the highest payroll in the league and not one discernible star. Oh, and they choke almost every time they are on national TV.

Even though Norm Green is like 75 years old now, I would probably not hesitate to verbally assault him if I saw him in public. To this day, I am shocked some crack pot, blue collar Stars fan didn't do much more than chant "Norm Sucks".

K-O-B-E I L-O-V-E You!!!

The title of this post is a fallacy. I hate Kobe Bean Bryant. I have hated him since he took Brandy and her stupid little Moesha dreads to prom. This off season, when Lebron broke my heart and decided to be a spastic 8 year old named Toddy and play with his special friends in Bullshit Little Havana Candyland, I thought I could begrudgingly like Kobe and late Lebron.

I was wrong. Wrong as all Hell.

For you see, my Kobe hate runs deep. Kobe is like some sort of emotionless perfect basketball God who plays the game like most people go to work (which makes the title of his documentary Kobe Doin Work all the more realistic). He has basketball Aspbeger's. When he tries to show emotion, we get this:



That is the same face my roommate's Boxer makes. Jordan had the intense tongue, Shaq looked at his hand in disbelief, and Kobe B. Bryant makes a doggie face.

So you can imagine my glee when Kobe and his "friends" failed yesterday. The Lakers were not at all deserving of another run. Phil Jackson can retire to Montana and boff his fine ass bosses daughter, Ron Artest can do typically awesome shit that Ron Artest does (dodgeball, laser tag), Derek Fisher can be the only Laker player I don't hate, and Kobe can continue to fulfill his lifelong goal of being the Sultan of Brunei's 34th wife:



Enjoy the off season Kobe. I am sure you will do it with absolutely no feeling, emotion, or any other sort of human characteristic.

The Start of Summer (Jake Eickholt Version)

Yesterday was one of my favorite days of the year, a day I use to mark the start of the summer (aka outdoor drinking, grilling and lawn dart season). Yesterday was the Bryn Mawr Garage Sale.

There is nothing better than scoping out the crazy crap people like to sell at Bryn Mawr. The best thing for sale this year was a 1964 Volkswagen Beetle for $4000 or best offer. My compatriots in garage sailing suggested I offer up the Focus for a straight trade, but I informed them that the Eickholt Fam had a Beetle when I was a child and it was a piece of shit. Too bad, because I am sure a vintage Beetle would be a total chick magnet.

The second best item was either a framed sketch of FDR or a huge ass framed poster of N*SYNC era Justin Timberlake. Unfortunately, neither one of them fit my manchild bedroom decor. The sketch would totally clash with my Pope John Paul II record, and the Timberlake poster just wouldn't go well with the DJ Hero case in the corner of the room.

My main focus of the sale, as usual, was recorded music. There wasn't a lot of LPs this year (save for the usual Johnny Mathis and My Fair Lady bullshit one always finds at garage sales). Fortunately, there were tons of CDs. And since the residents of Bryn Mawr are all either 30 something gay couples or sexy yoga pants hipster chicks with awesome tits, I scored some awesome finds. Behold:

Flood - They Might Be Giants
True Colours - Split Enz
The Two Tone Singles Collection
Jacksonville City Nights - Ryan Adams
Shenanigans - Green Day
Pure Rock Fury - Clutch
That Lonesome Song - Jamey Johnson
Peace and Love - The Pogues
Listen Like Thieves - INXS
God, Ween, Satan - Ween

Total cost: 11 bucks. I also grabbed three VHS tapes of Earthworm Jim and Animaniacs cartoons from a "Free-Take My Stuff" table. Oh, and I stuffed my fat face with Fast Freddie's pizza and Cheese Curds. A fantastic day, capped with a softball practice later that afternoon and an evening spent drinking Jeremiah Weed and Facebook friend requesting people I probably shouldn't have.

The Summer of 2K11 looks like it's gonna be rad.

PS - I totally forgot this INXS song existed before bumping Listen Like Thieves after the sales. INXS was a totally awesome college rock band before they got all 'Suicide Blonde' on our asses.

Goin' To Kansas City, Kansas City Here I Come

This past weekend marked the annual trip to see the Twins play outside of MPLS. The destination this season was Kansas City. I was to KC once before when I was 14 and I recall it being a steaming dump full of crumbling factories and Hyper Wal-Marts. Therefore, my main excitement for this trip was seeing the renovated Kauffman Stadium. Fortunately, the city did not disappoint. Unlike the Twins themselves.

The MPLS Wreckin' Crew rolled into KC around 3 PM and promptly found a QuikTrip from which to procure Boulevard Ale and Rollergrill food (the Popeye's Po Boy ingested for breakfast didn't quite cut it). After many Boulevards, a cab was taken to the "new" Kauffman Stadium. A few friends were also in town for the series, so the Crew decided to meet them in our half full section (they had seats in an adjoining section). This proved fruitless, as a spinsteress usher dubbed "The Twins Hunter" shooed them away from the empty seats (the same usher chastised us the following day for "possibly cursing" as a Royals fan dumped a tub of popcorn on himself while almost passing out in our section). So instead of sitting in the seats, walking around commenced posthaste. Twenty Ounce Margaritas called "Royal-Ritas" were consumed. Cheesecake Factory was eaten at 1AM. Oh, and the Twins lost because Drew Butera sucked at baseball that night.



On Saturday I ate this sex bomb. It was from a BBQ place called Oklahoma Joe's in a gas station. The Crew waited in line for the BBQ for an hour and a half. It was the most amazing sandwich ever, containing Provolone, two onion rings and brisket. It was better than any sex I've had recently, which has been none.

One similarity between Kansas City and MPLS is that they both have Half Price Books. So, a Half Price Books mini tour was undertaken. There was a LOT more Jazz records at HPB in MO/KS, and that just ain't my bag, baby. So I focused on the usual and purchased Otis Redding "Live In Europe", Queen "A Day at the Races", the George Duke album with 'Dukey Stick' for 50 cents, and Al Green "Explores Your Mind". And also an Archies album (which kicks ass). Total cost was about 15 bones.

Game two was started off with some Summer Shandy's (KC is a pretty fantastic beer town too) in the lot, followed by a whole lot of shitty baseball. Alex Gordon channeled George Brett finally, and Joe Nathan channeled me in 1999 when I could no longer throw my fastball in Babe Ruth League, and the Twins shamed themselves. On the way out, a nice young KC lass came over to chat with the Crew and all was going swimmingly until the lasses BFF puked on a bench.

Once the hotel was reached, there were no parking spots to speak of. This made the Crew angry, and dampened the plan to go clubbing. Fortunately, there were frat boys from K-State and Mizzou in the parking lot discussing how much coke they had. This (coupled with a loving Full Nelson executed on a sorority sister by one of the K-State gents) lightened the mood quite a bit. Of course, the Crew does not sniff the coke, so the hotel room was retired to where the passing out could commence.

Kansas City was not the same old dump I went to in 1997. The whole place was clean (even the ghetto paths traversed to the stadium), and the people were very friendly (save for some drunken bags at the stadium). Overall, a grand vacay to start this summer season off right.

Ladies of the 80s: Susanna Hoffs

Today I got a special request to do a Ladies of the 80s feature again, and I will greatly oblige with the 2nd hottest girl group lead singer of the decade.

Oh, Susanna Hoffs. Where do I begin? As good a place as any would be the look you gave in the 'Walk Like an Egyptian' video (as shown in the photo accompanying this piece). Those gigantic doe eyes, looking around sort of scared like, made even a five year old Jake put down his G.I. Joes in awe. Sure the song pretty much sucks (I mean, why are the party boys calling the Kremlin exactly?) but the peepers that take up 62% of your head more than make up for it.

While doing a Google Image search for my "research" for this article, I came across many a screen shot for the scene Miss Hoffs did in some movie called The All Nighter. Seeing as how this is a family blog, I will not publish them and will instead suggest the readers search them out themselves. They will not dissappoint.

Much like the last Lady of the 80s Belinda Carlisle, I also dug on some of the Bangles jams. 'Hero Takes A Fall' is the jangle pop confection that got Symbolina to write songs for the group, and it is totally serviceable 80s Modern Rock. 'Manic Monday' never dissapoints, even though NBC playing this song during Super Bowl XXIII coverage made me think the Niners were playing the Cincinatti Bangles.

The real cream of the crop is 'Eternal Flame' though. For some reason, this song actually made a college mix of mine between Wire's '12XU' and some song by Our Lady Peace. Still to this day when it comes on random on the JakePod, it never gets skipped, and I usually do some seriously flamboyant hand motions while singing it in the car. Strangely, it captures the emotion of longing for me much more poignantly than more serious songs. Maybe it's the tone of the song, or the lyrics. Or maybe it's due to the fact that Susanna Hoffs is a smokin hot piece of ass. I'm not totally sure. All I know is that I totally carry an eternal flame for this lady from the 80s.

KDWB in 1995

I am a huge sucker for nostalgia. I'm not sure why...I just like things from the past better. It's not that I believe in the whole "things were so much better then" credo, it's just my bag, baby. This particularly pertains to radio. Which is why I love this little baby I stumbled across today so much:

http://airchexx.com/2010/05/20/john-london-101-3-kdwb-twin-cities-july-15-1996/

Yes, 45 minutes of KDWB from my 7th grade summer. The label is wrong, I am positive this tape is from 1995 due to the songs ("Waterfalls" and the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" cover both were massive hits around June/July 1995) and the movies (I remember being really really AMPED to see Congo at the Brookdale 8 that summer).

What stands out to me (besides the fact that Dave Ryan is still the fucking morning DJ 16 years later) is the amount of old tunes the station played. And they were ballads. "More Than Words" charted at #1 in 1991 and "Right Here Waiting" in 1989. Today you rarely ever hear a song older than two or three years on the radio. I think some of it was that KDWB leaned much more rock in the early 90s. I distinctly remember hearing "Disarm" by the Smashing Pumpkins on the station regularly, and that wasn't even a top 40 hit.

Oh, and the ads are priceless. What ever happened to Sidewalk Sales anyways? And when the hell was there a rock club over on 26th and 26th in MPLS? I would have totally paid 10 bucks to see Firehouse near the height of their powers.

Songs I'm Embarassed to Own Volume II: Underneath Your Clothes'

Deep at heart, I am a sexist pig. Well, sometimes not even deep at heart. When it comes to my music, I usually don't hold female artists in the same regard as male artists. It's awful, but I usually like a woman's music more if I want to fuck them.

This artist is no different.

Shakira exploded onto the scene right around 9/11, shaking her Colombian/Persian hips all over the MTV and VH1 late night video shows a semi-employed and out of school Jake Eickholt was watching. And I liked that. In fact, I may have "liked" it to her video for 'Whenever, Wherever' a few times. But that is not why we are here today.

Miss Shakira's next top ten single (and her last for almost five years) was the incomprehensable ditty 'Underneath Your Clothes'. With lines like "You're a song/written by the hand of God" and "I love you more than all that's on the planet/Movin', Walkin', Talkin', Breathin'" you can tell this wasn't written by Dylan (or even the dudes who wrote Milli Vanilli's shit).



Yet still, Shakira delivers a command performance. I have heard that her mix of rock and pop made her a sensation in Latin speaking countries, and I can see it in 'Underneath'. I will admit it...this song kind of rocks. Check out the breakdown where Shakira makes like Axl Rose and gets straight up 'Nighttrain' on the bitch. And the Kermit the Frog honking somehow works with the Mom Rock acousitc guitar going on throughout the song. I'm ashamed to say it, but if this comes on the iPod or at the doctors office, I want to sing along at the top of my English As a First Language lungs.

So there you have it. Would I like 'Underneath Your Clothes' if it was sung by, say, the fat chick from The Donnas? Possibly. I do like some songs by less than attractive chicks ('Rolling in the Deep' by Adele comes to mind, as does 'Me and Bobby McGee' by Overrated Ass Janis Joplin). But sometimes the prettiest present under the tree gets picked first.

Songs I'm Embarassed to Own Volume I: 'Winchester Cathedral'

I love music. I love music more than I could (in all likelihood) ever love a spouse. Sometimes statements like that make me think I love music a little too much.

One problem with loving music so much is that absolute crap slips through the cracks. Where a completely rational person would go "that song is fucking rancid. I think I'm going to listen to something that doesn't make me want to hatemaimrape" I say "hey, I kind of like that."

One of those songs is the following:



Yes, a song about a fucking cathedral sung by a proto hipster through a Rudy Vallie megaphone. 'Winchester Cathedral' was one of the biggest hits of 1966, yet I have no idea why. The sound of young America was Motown and British Invasion, and the old folks were still bumping Elvis and Sinarta. How did this spend time at #1, along with 'You Can't Hurry Love'?

My big theory is that the intro sounds like a commercial for Diet Pepsi, so people had a Pavlovian response to the song. Pepsi was juuuuust starting to take off, so the Pepsi Generation subconsciously took this piece of dreck to platinum status. Or it could be the whistling...

The embarrassing part of all this is while I could skip 'Winchester Cathedral' when it comes on my iPod, I choose not to probably 100% of the time. I have a weakness for stupid Vaudeville songs. Yep, 'I'm Henry VIII I Am' and 'When I'm 64' never get skipped either. I often wonder why I have this proclivity. I guess sometimes it's better NOT to wonder why we like the shit we do. Just whistle a happy tune and think about the bells, like my nephews in the New Vaudeville Band.

Worst Commercial Ever?

Very rarely does my degree in communications come into play. I deal with Point of Sale software, not ad campaigns or PR for chrissakes. Still, I love advertising. I admire a well crafted ad, one that makes you laugh or say, "I wonder why they did that?"

This ad is not one of them.



I mean, who friend requests someone they just went on a date with? What kind of dolt DOESN'T know a date was good? And how was this chick's status update the first person on his news feed?

Overall, the ad just reeks of something written by a twentysomething who has never been on a good first date. A good first date doesn't usually end in an awkward kiss with very little small talk. Plus, the ad now makes me not want to buy a Chevy Cruze or learn anything else about the car. Fail, fail, fail, epic fail.

A Drunkards Visit to Target

Tonight was one of those impromptu drinking nights that were so magical in college and so uncommon in these days of adulthood. Someone said "wanna go out for drinks?" and then Old Chicago was summoned like a Final Fantasy VII spell.

Being the old ass man I am, three beers got me plenty buzzed. Seeing as how this Old Chicago has a Target next door, it felt like the right thing to go blow some cash. Here is what a drunk dude buys at Target:

-1 bag of Pizza Doritos
-1 Quart of Lavender Scented Bleach
-2 Greek yogurts (pineapple and blueberry)
-1 Drake "Thank Me Later" CD
-1 12 Pack of Cherry Diet Dr Pepper
-1 AMP Energy Drink
-1 Box of Peppermint Tic Tacs

Total: 27 dollars. I think the best lesson to be learned here is that you shouldn't go to the absent minded shopping Mecca that is Tar-Zay with a boozed up noggin. Because then you just buy with the impulsive part of your brain.

Reserved For Family Parking.....ppfffff

So I went to Best Buy tonight after work, and noticed that there were six open spots near the enterance. I assumed they were handicapped spots (which I'm totally fine with). As I moved closer, I realized that two of the spots were handicapped and that four of the spots were labeled "Reserved For Family Parking". So I did what came naturally.

I parked the Focus in one of those bitches and walked into the store.

Family parking is fucking bullshit, plain and simple. So what, your little shits are whining because they have to be pushed in their little strollers a few feet? Guess what: it was your fucking choice to breed. It's not my problem you didn't want to use a rubber, a fucking sponge or a goddamn diaphragm. Or you didn't pull out because you wanted to make a life or some stupid new agey hokum.

The worst part is that the Eden Prairie Best Buy has like four of these spots and just as many handicapped spots. I personally find this offensive as all hell. My dad cannot walk well. He has a disease that he didn't ask for that causes his body to betray him. And he chooses NOT to use a handicapped plate because he is either a)pigheaded (according to me) or b)has a huge sense of pride (according to him). Yet, some stupid cougar and her little bastards with names like Madison and Dallin get to park closer because they feel entitled? Fuck and No.

So from now on, I am parking in the "Reserved For Family Parking" spots whenever I can. I hope some surly ass business man with his toe headed brood or some Prada Napsack carrying soccer mom tells me off. Because they are going to get a piece of my mind.

Karl Malone 1990-91 SkyBox

As a kid I spent almost all my allowance/paper route money on sports cards. I would beg my parents to take me to the Shinder's in Crystal where I would blow my 10 year old fatstacks on "innovative" cards like those produced by SkyBox.

SkyBox Basketball came on the scene in 1990. The main selling point for the brand was that their cards had computerized graphics along with the standard action shots of the players. Unfortunately, the "computerized graphics" were mainly just squiggles or random pastel colored shapes. My roommate once described it as "Kevin Duckworth with a fucking trapezoid".

Which brings us to Karl Malone. My younger brother went to the MOA yesterday and bought a bunch of packs of old basketball and baseball cards. He was kind enough to let me open some of the packs. This is one of the beauties I pulled out:



Yes, nothing says one of the top 20 greatest NBA players ever like a bunch of random colored circles. The whole thing just looks muddled and vaguely like something an 8th grader would draw in art class. But the real treat is the back of the card:



HOLYFUCKINGSHIT. Anyone who followed the NBA during the 90s knows that Karl is from Bumfucknowhere, Louisiana. Amhad Rashad rammed that down our collective throat enough during Inside Stuff. But why exactly was Malone being filmed riding a horse in period gear? Was he guesting on Lonesome Dove? Was he shooting an audition tape for The Postman? And why in the fuck is this on the back of a basketball card? I'm pretty sure these same questions went through most sane people's heads when pulling this out of the wrapper back in the day. Time has only deepened the mystery.

And don't even get me started on the Mark Jackson in a leather blazer and turtleneck card I also pulled out of the same pack...

Highlights of the Week 1/15/11

The first two months of the year are usually awful. Very little sunlight, it's cold as ice (it's also willing to sacrifice our love) and there is no baseball. To combat the overall malaise I feel around this time of the year, I am trying to accentuate the positive. Here is what went right for me this week:

-Went to the doctor on Wednesday and noticed a huge chart on the wall with bar graphs labeled "profit", "referals" and "revenue". This is why I avoid the doctor as much as possible. All about money, not about care. At least the absurdity of it all made me laugh.

-The Twins re-signed Jim Thome. It's going to be really rad to see him hit #600 in a Twins uni.

-My company holiday party allowed me to drink top shelf booze for free, and also mainline apps for free as well. Plus, I got a nifty little trophy for 3 years of loyal service.

-I bought some new discs that all turned out to be sweet: the new Cake, Sleigh Bells and a Dion album produced by Phil Spector. The Dion album in particular is amazing. It sounds like something passed down from heaven. Simply magical.

-Taxes are complete, and I am getting a nice little chunk of change back. Methinks a Rust Belt baseball road trip is in order with the proceeds.

So there you go. Winter in the MN may be deadening and bleak, but at least I have the above to cheer me up.

After The Rain

Holy shit, I can't sleep after my men's rec-league basketball team won AGAIN tonight (bringing our season record to 2-2). I also can't sleep due to finally completeing my MP3 collection of the Hot 100 hits of 1991.

So much pap, but all so tasty. Most of the songs from that year remind me of riding my bike, pining for Frank Thomas rookie cards and playing RBI Baseball for the NES. I was young, dumb, in love with neon colored shorts and I would stay up all night Saturday to watch that NBC video countdown show with Scott Shannon. Sure, Sonic Youth and Ice Cube may have been the underground and critical darlings, but I just wanted to know why fucking Ted "Theodore" Logan was at the shrink in the Paula Abdul video for "Rush, Rush".

Anyways, one song struck me as particualrly awesome while listening to the tracks tonight:



Yes, I loved "After The Rain" an unhealthy amount as a child. I remember snowmobiling at my Grandparent's cabin to some bar called the White Hawk and playing this on the jukebox at least ten times in a row. I also may have played KLAX and for sure ended up eating tons of fried cheese.

Analyzing Nelson 20 some years on, I still like this song. And I absolutely fucking love Nelson's other big hit"(I Can't Live Without) Your Love and Affection". I guess it plays into my love for pop pap. There's twin dudes with chick hair singing angelic harmonies, a quasi power ballad solo, and a redemption theme. By the board nonsense that 8 year old Jake and 28 year old Jake can agree on wholehartedly.

The Music of 2K10

Ahhh...always late am I. Although this list may be redundant now, I still have to get it out there for the two or three loyal readers I have.

Please note: The top 25 songs are probably going to cause me a lot of grief. For some reason, 2010 really was a year of feel for me. The songs listed below were usually not about artistic merit, but that they made me specifially feel like a summer breeze at 9 o' clock in June in a convertible.

ALBUMS OF 2010
1. Black Keys - Brothers
Such a revelation after the shit fest that was Strange Times. Back to their kickass roots, wallowing in some sort of primordial swamp funk that birthed Fogerty and countless blues pioneers. Somehow they came out of the funk with a Gold Record and a #1 single. Just goes to show, every once in a while, the cream does rise to the top. And what cream! "Everlasting Light"!! "Sinister Kid"! "Next Girl"!! "Unknown Brother"!! The Black Keys have their masterpiece. Now, let us hope they don't lose their shit and hire a producer like Danger Mouse to do their next platter...

2. LCD Soundsystem - This is Happening
In any other year, the album of the year. A dance punk fiasco. Too bad the plug is being pulled.

3. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Pop art by one conflicted ass motherfucker. Dark, dense, and strangely catchy.

4. Vampire Weekend - Contra
Basically their debut record again...but hey, it worked for the Ramones!

5. Best Coast - Crazy For You
6. Waaves - King of the Beach
Companion pieces to a drugged out Summer of Bummer...

7. Maximum Balloon
If there was an aural equvalent of fucking in 2K10, this was it

8. Gaslight Anthem - American Slang
More street corner poetry from The Anthem

9. Cee Lo Green - The Ladykiller
The soul album Cee Lo Green should have made from the get-go

10.J. Roddy Walston and the Business
Scuzzy rock from the demonspawn of GNR and Kings of Leon

11. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
After about the 10th listen, it sinks in and you realize its worth the critical praise. Sort of

12. Against Me - White Crosses
Arena ready punk with a soul from Jacksonville, of all places

13. Hold Steady - Heaven is Wherever
Hey, Craig Finn learned how to croon a bit! More tenderness than usual...still grand, though.

14. Fitz and The Tantrums - S/T
White boy decides to channel his inner Daryl Hall and John Oates. The result: Blue Eyed Soul 2K10

15. Deftones - Diamond Eyes
Finally, a return to form after wallowing in mediorctriy for a decade.

16. Jamey Johnson - The Guitar Song
Outlaw country mixed with a modern feel. This ain't for the Mich Golden Light and Franzia set.

17. Hotrats - S/T
Two of the dudes from underrated 90s Britpop legends Supergrass decide to cover their faves from the classic rock canon. A party ensues.

18. Kid Cudi - Man on the Moon II
See #3, add coke and weed. And badass guitars.

19. The National - High Violet
A dirge for the married man. And possibly for zombies

20. Free Energy - S/T
These Twin City kids, they sure do like their classic rock. These cats got their Thin Lizzy swag on. The album cover (a fucking Chuck with bubblegum stuck to the heel) sums up this album perfectly.

SINGLES OF 2010:
1. Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem
At nearly 9 minutes, the song is too short. In all actuality, Dance Yrself Clean is like two or three mini epics smashed into one spastic package. Perfect dance music for the supposed end times.

2. Touchless - The Hold Steady
A B-Side monster that rocks

3. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
Dumb bubblegum that feels like summer. A damn near perfect pop single.

4. Who Makes Your Money - Spoon
The closest Spoon has been to having an actual heart and soul since Kill The Moonlight.

5. Only Girl in the World - Rihanna
All Euro Bangers should have a sexy Island Girl singing about letting you come inside

6. Monster - Kanye West
This bitch lives up to its name. Rookie of the Year goes to Nikki Minaj for THAT verse, where she bodies just about every other guest MC since Busta on Scenario.

7. Animal - Neon Trees
These new wave poseurs are so stupid they named their next single "1983". Well, no fucking DUH! We get it, still loves ya though.

8. Fuck You - Cee Lo Green
It's getting to the point where it seems Cee Lo can pull classic pop singles out his ass whenever he feels the need. Here's hoping that he can keep his focus and that he WANTS it as much as we do.

9. Bed Intruder Song - Antoine Dodson
Oh yes, sometimes the greatest art is designed to be thrown out after a few uses.

10. Lover, Lover - Jerrod Niemann
Redneck lovaman who calls his backing band the Hung Jury decides to cover a pop song by Sonia Dada that is probably only remembered fondly by me. Some sort of Nashville country pop soul gris gris is created, and magic happens.

11. Nothing on You - B.o.B
This song smells like Spring.

12. In My Head - Jason Derulo
Bonus points for the video, where JA-SON DERULO! hangs out outside a Circle K. Bill S Preston, Esq would be really proud.

13. Tenderoni - Kele
Unfortuantely not a reconceptualization of "Roni" by Bobby Brown. Fortunately, some sweet ass dance pop.

14. Right On - The Roots
If a rap song could sound like a lost late 80s alt rock joint, it would be this.

15. Giving Up The Gun - Vampire Weekend
This is pop, this is not world music, this is not rock. This is straight up pop.

16. Erase Me - Kid Cudi/Kanye West
The best power ballad since 1988...no joke!

17. Apartment Wrestling - Maximum Balloon/David Byrne
Oh fuck, what I wouldn't give to be introduced to whatever Apartment Wrestling is.

18. Tighter - Fitz and The Tantrums
Oh fuck, what I wouldn't give to feel like Fitz does for the chick in this song.

19. Half of My Heart - John Mayer
Oh fuck, what I wouldn't give to not love this song as much as I do. Supremely crafted and meant to stick like peanut butter.

20. Brave Man's Death - J Roddy Walston And The Business
Somehow cinematic...I don't know if that was the intention, but it feels like a mini-movie.

21. Radioactive - Kings of Leon
The highlight of a disappointing album. When the U2 comparisons are focused on the good things U2 did, not the pretentious bullshit, I hope they are talking about songs like this.

22. Baby Lee - Teenage Fanclub
You guys! Welcome back...somewhere, Alex Chilton is spinning this record and smiling.

23. Stay Lucky - Gaslight Anthem
The Gaslight Anthem just...feels...right.

24. Bed Rock - Young Money
Only for the line "Call me Mister Flintsone".

25. Fallin' For You - Colbie Callait
Female Jack Johnson stops thinking about her fucking toes, crafts delicious summer song about boys and girls in love.