Saturday, April 29, 2006

I Seem To Recognize Your Face. Haunting, Familiar...But I Can't Seem To Place It

Ah yes, Vegas Baby! Locked and loaded, booked and ready steady go! I can't wait! For the last three years I have taken one big, out of the city of MPLS trip. Two years ago, it was Chicago. Last years was Milwaukee. Now onto Vegas. I am so excited, and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control, and you know what? I think I like it.

My big weekend news number two is that I finally got Pearl Jam tickets. I have never seen my favorite band live, so this is going to be an interesting experience. The fact that they are playing with Tom Petty only makes it that much cooler. Not to say I'm a HUGE fan of Tom Petty, but I do like the man's singles. I hope PJ puts on an experience like I have heard on one of the many live CDs I have. I would go nuts if they busted out a rare cover, like "I Got You" by Split Endz. I would also go equally nuts if they played some rare old song, or a B-side. I don't think that they ever play "Oceans" in concert. Or, say, "Dirty Frank." Yes, that would be mint.

I was listening to "Born In The U.S.A" today in my car, and I marvelled that Springsteen had seven top 10 hits off that CD. I don't think that there would be any chance in hell today of a singer/songwriter having more than three hits off of one album. I guess it just shows the quality of the songs that Bruce was churning out at that time. Hell, even the non-singles like "Bobby Jean" and "No Surrender" are fantastic. The best part of this is the fact that "Born In The U.S.A" was recorded after he did "Nebraska," which is easily the most fucked-up major label album by a star ever.

"Nebraska" is just Bruce, his guitar and a harmonica. The music is sparse, but the songs are some of the scariest shit I have ever heard on disc. Songs about being broke, murder, family and cars go on without much hope whatsoever. Legend has it that "Nebraska" is based on a 17 year old who left Nebraska in the late 50s with his girl and killed a dozen people nationwide. The line that this comes from says "I killed everything in sight." Seriously, the album is un-classifiable. It leans toward folk, I guess. An album not for the faint of heart.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I Got More Game Than Parker Brothers

Random Musings from the overactive noggin of Jake:

I'm still not all about gauchos.

Some kid in my American History lecture said, in an attempt to impress a girl, "We live in a country where people think the Molotov Cocktail is a drink." You can't make this shit up.

I'm booking the Vegas flight/hotel tomorrow. It's going to suck dying in a plane crash. If I do make it to Vegas, I will be enjoying the rare West Coast delectables known as Jack-In-The-Box and In and Out Burger.

R.E.M.'s "Don't Go Back To Rockville" is one of the best songs ever.

My iPod keeps playing Metallica. I think I'm up to ten out of the last 100 songs being by those whiners. But hey, when they were on, they were on.

Taco John's Crunchy Chicken and Potato burrito is about five times better than sex.

Brett Favre is still a worthless old bitch who has no chance in hell of winning more than three games next year. And that's if they somehow get Jevon Walker to come back for his stupid old ass to throw to.

The City Pages did not name me "Best Barista" for the third consecutive year. They, however, did give the 22 (Deuce-Deuce) the best strip club award. I will leave this one to Jeff Hills quote, "I'd rather look at you than that fucking stripper."

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Controlling Faster, Obey Your Master

The 2006 Northstars campaign got off to a rousing start last night at the Fridley Community playing grounds. The Green Giants won the opener 16 to 15 and the twi-night portion of the doubleheader 23 to 17. The hitting and defense of the boys looked mighty improved over last years sub-.500 fall campaign.

I am so pumped that softball started finally. The five months that I spent waiting were far too long. And we took both games, with me scoring the winning run on a double by my younger brother Jordan. My hitting kind of blew, but I did get 4 RBIs between the two games. Quade went yard, which was impressive. The team we played was a bunch of douches from DeLisis restruant, which doesn't even exist anymore. I found that weird, them being from DeLisis.

To get pumped for the game, we bumped old school Metallica. "Master Of Puppets" (which is the greatest song to get pumped to and has been shortened to "M of P" by the Eickholt boys), "One" and "Sanitarium" were all spun. I think that it has to become a Monday gameday tradition from now on.

Oh, and I heard "I Think I'm In Love" by Eddie Money on JACK 104 and I almost crashed my car into a bus. I friggin love that jam. Then I saw some dude who looked like Bob Dylan from the Rolling Thunder Revue in '75 (weird Gaucho hat, long Jew-Fro) and I got even more pumped. My pumpedness is at a orange level right now.

Friday, April 21, 2006

My Hands Are Small, I Know

I saw the new Jewel video today, and I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person in America who still thinks this. but I really want to bang Jewel. I have had a thing for 'Ol Snaggletooth since 1998, when I saw her on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and got kicked out of Ms. Rudys class for commenting on Jewels "tremenjous breasts." Spectacular.

To the asshole who opposed the Twins, Vikings and Gophers stadiums in the Thursday Star Tribune Editorial page: Go to hell, you fucking retard. This d-bag had the audacity to say that he wanted a laminated card with the outlines of Anoka and Hennepin counties so he wouldn't spend his hard earned money there. This is like those stupid tree hugging bitches who only shop at the Wedge because they don't support big business. Do these fucking morons realize that a downtown stadium will bring in millions? And a stadium will make a hilljack part of Anoka County an actual city? There was one guy who opposed the tax because he would waste $600 over 30 years. I will make a deal with that dude if I ever see him. I propose this: How bout I give him that $600 dollars over the course of 30 years if I can beat the shit out of him once a year with a Torii Hunter model bat? Because I would rather see some ass get the shit kicked out of him then lose the Twins. Its that simple.

And those stupid assholes who say it takes away from education funding? They can go to hell also. I went to public school for 12 years, and guess what? Public schools are corrupt as shit. At Champlin Park, we had no idea where our parking lot funds went. The sports teams were outfitted with professional equipment on money that, technically, could have went to the freaking textbooks or something. But you know what, the teachers who teach at most public schools wouldn't know how to use them, because they are incompetent and burned out on teaching. The only reason that you couldn't miss more than seven days at Champlin Park a quarter was so the district wouldn't lose out on funding. For what? Soy burgers and texts that, I shit you not, said "Electronic Mail is coming!" and were from the early 80s? And don't get me started on all the funding that went to the new Walker and Orpheum. Yeah, athletes get paid a lot, but the enjoyment pro sports teams bring to the people is worth 3 cents on every 20 dollars spent. And yes, I will be paying, because I live in Hennepin County and work in Anoka County.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Thumbing My Way...

Pearl Jam is at Summerfest this year with Tom Petty! Tix are a little spendy (100 bucks for me cause I'm in the Ten Club) but the next night, its Nine Inch Nails. It would be like freaking listening to the Edge in 8th grade all over again.

I think that when the Twins play the Brewers we should do a Mee lee wau kay invasion. Say three words..."We're takin' over" and invade Miller Park. I am sick of these 'Sconnies on campus sporting Brewers gear. .500 one year doesn't make you a good team. Pat Listach and Jim Gantner were the only true Brewers.

Whats the deal with gauchos? I hate those damn things

Oh, and I cracked and started a MySpace. Friend me for random, unsatisfying hookups.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm A Fu@#$*& Samurai!

The greatest movie, nay, the single greatest piece of entertainment ever is the 1992 film "3 Ninjas." The dialogue makes "Casablanca" look like a steaming pile of shit. The saga of Tum Tum, Colt and Rocky and their ninja grandpa Maury Tanaka touches every one of the five senses. Actually, it roundhouse kicks them, then feeds them a Coke laced with Ex-Lax. How can lines like "I won't eat dog poop!" and "Rocky Loves Emily" not be on par with "If you build it, he will come," and "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse" in the national vernacular? And the stunts? At one point, you can actually see the Asian actor turn into a white dude when he falls down the stairs. The plotholes are only minor inconviences, though. The most glaring one is this: why are ninjas carrying guns? Doesn't that technically not make them ninjas? And why don't they just shoot the kids in the knees? Oh well, "3 Ninjas" is still the best film ever.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Uh Huh, It Ain't No Big Thang

Vegas, baby! I think May sounds good. Mid May. Leave on a Thursday or Friday, come back on Sunday. Spend way too much money on bullshit and stay buzzed for four days sounds like a good time for me. Plus, after finals week, I will need a break like this.

Eagles of Death Metal is the shit on a shingle. I think that "Peace, Love, Deathmetal" is probably better, but what is better than that one? The only thing I can see hurting the new one is the inclusion of that annoying bitch from the Distillers. God, they fucking suck. I hate the Distillers with all the passion in my heart. Why does everyone think they are soooo punk? Mind you, I'm not one of those d-bags who thinks that the Sex Pistols sold out when they signed to EMI. But the Distillers are not punk, they are just shit, plain and simple. They are lame in the same way that crap punk bands like Pennywise, Guttermouth and NOFX are lame. Too much attitude, and songs that a handicapped monkey could write. Write something original or at least carry a tune.

Speaking of tuneful, I wanted to take this oppritunity to shit on Ryan Adams. I own all but three of the mans solo albums, and I do like his work. But would it be so hard to sit down and write a verse-chorus-verse every once in a while? I bought "29" recently (the one he dedicated to his dog) and I got uber angry when I heard the song "Strawberry Wine." The song rambles on for like 5-6 minutes without even so much as a hint of continuity. Dylan was a rambler also, its just that he also wrote shit that was memorable. "29" is so unmemorable that I couldn't tell you one thing other than the album is called "29" and I thought that "Strawberry Wine" was a cover of a Deanna Carter song. "Cold Roses" sticks out a bit more, and the stuff off the EPs is pretty much golden, except for that song about a lonesome scientist. If it wasn't $6.99 when I bought it, it would be sitting in Cheapo's Friday new arrivals bin tomorrow, and I would use the procedes towards a case of Miller Light or Sam Adams.

I am on a country/rock jag these days, with the Jayhawks and Neil Young and the Byrds dominating the listening. I also have been eating a lot of soups, pastas and salads with vinegrette if anyone cares. And only drinking Iced Coffees with white mocha syurp in them. Its a special little treat that only me and some housefrau in Maple Grove have. God, I feel like Blanche from the Golden Girls.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Have I Got A Long Way To Run?

Hey, what's up? What you doin? Oh really. Not much, just sittin at my comp, typing up a blog.

Yeah, lifes been pretty boring for the last few weeks. I have felt lonely for some reason. I never feel lonely. I think that it stems from a dream I had a week ago where I met this really attractive girl at a party on Cody Stevens deck. I walked with her in the general direction of Steve Miller's house, then I don't remember what happened. I woke up and was really depressed. It's odd.

I bought Collective Soul's greatest hits off I really wanted to hear "Why Pt.2" and "Run". That shit reminds me of Jackson and my formative years at CPHS.

My brother Zach introduced me to a new way of eating a Subway Subshop Submarine. You get sweet onion sauce and honey mustard with carrots, lettuce, and onions. It tastes like cole slaw. And as a fan of cole slaw on my sammich, I dig it like John and Paul dug a pony.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Substitution, Mass Confusion All Inside Your Head

I was listening to my New Wave greatest hits disc today when I was greeted with a pleasant surprise. The Cars greatest hits suddenly fell out. I popped it in for probably the 100th time. It was around the opening notes of "Just What I Needed" that I realized that everyone likes The Cars. Everything about them is appealing. They did rockers, they did ballads. The dudes were ugly, yet they nailed models. They put hot nearly naked chicks on their album covers. They scored the best topless scene in the history of cinema (Fast Times. Phoebe Cates. Uhhhhhh). I do not know a single person who has a distaste for these Boston gods. Four out of five Eickholts own a Cars LP. There are some bands that peple are indifferent to, such as Boston or Oasis. I mean, everyone likes the first Boston album and the first two Oasis albums, but no one is really puttin those on all the time. You can listen to the first Cars album, most of Hearbeat City and the greatest hits disc nearly every day and not get all that bored. Oh, and Rick Ocasek produced Weezer's Green and Blue albums. Bonus points.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Hiawatha Didn't Bother Too Much, With Minnehaha and Her Tender Touch

Tori Spelling is one of the few celebs I have seen who actually looks better after having plastic surgery. I just watched her Lifetime movie "Alibi" (which she escapes a killer by skiing down a black diamond ski run!)and realized that, yeah, she did need a new nose and some new boobs. I usually hate plastic surgery of any sort. During the movie there was an Icebreakers commercial with the Duff sisters and I also realized that I am pretty sure that Duff the younger got some serious work done. And now she looks like shit. Duff the Elder, by the way, is still super friggin hot.

So I went totally gay the other day and bought "Extrordinary Machine" by Fiona Apple. I saw her video with Zach Galafornakis on VH 1 at 4:30 in the AM and dug the song. The CD is really good, for those who care. I also picked up the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs, which is also really fantastic.

To balance out all the estrogen, I have been reading "The Dirt" by Motley Crue. God, what a fantastic book. Each member gets to write a chapter about a certain time period in the bands history. It makes for some funny stories, like hearing about how Vince banged a certain girl, then Tommy did or vice versa. As expected, Mick is the only one who doesn't get all debauched. And who knew that they were all so obsessed with Sweet? This book and "Scar Tissue" by Anthony Kedis make illicit drugs sound really rad. I hope no one under the age of 14 reads these things. Oh wait, they don't listen to anything except T.I. and My Chemical Romance, so 80s rock wouldn't interest them.