It's Britney, Bitch

Today was a good day. Got to see the Purp beat the shit out of ATL(formerly Team Bad Newz Kennels) 24-3. THE DEFENSE WENT OFF!! It was also very nice to heckle Joey Harrington, along with everyone in my section. Oh, and Adrian Peterson is a friggin stud.

MTV VMAs were also tonight. Didn't watch the whole thing(its not 1995 anymore and "Peaches" by the Presidents of the United States of America wasn't nominated for the Video Vanguard award) but I saw the Britney Spears performance. Here's my thoughts:

Chick straight up sucks at singing AND dancing now. She's entered that rareified air of "women that I legitimately think I could fuck if they and I were drunk enough." I mean, she has baggage, she kind of looks like the REAL slutty sorority sister who the others make fun of, and her special place looks like steak tartare. If I saw her at, say, TGI Friday's on Electric Lemonade night and maybe bought her some motzies...there's a good chance I'm taking her back to Springbrook for 45 seconds of pleasure.

Also, Jamie Foxx was drunk and Kid Rock decked King Of All Brahs Tommy Lee. I think this was like when my uncle punched my aunt at Thanksgiving. I was kind of shocked due to the setting, but we all saw it coming. Oh, and Sarah Silverman is funny and hot. Too bad none of the Hollywood Freaks could laugh at her comedy.

Final note: during the Cowboys-Giants game tonight, Jared Lorenzen came in at QB. I loved it! A 300-lb quaterback! It was like watching the Big Boy statue take snaps. Boy has a cannon for an arm.

True Romance In Joy Opposites

Why did McDonalds pick the Cha Cha Slide for a commercial promoting their Happy Meals? And, it's a minute long! Couldn't they have picked something a little more current-like "This Is Why I'm Hot?"

Sign #1000 that I feel old-I have never heard the #1 song on the Billboard charts. Its some song called "Crank That(Soulja Boy)" by a guy named Soulja Boy. There sure is a lot of Souljas, Lils and Shawtys on radio today. I think I am going to totally give up on radio. I mean, I haven't been a regular listener for years, but except for KOOL 108, they're all done, son.

I'm moving to a townhouse off of County Road E and Silver Lake Road at the end of the month. The word finally came down today, so its all over for Springbrook. Thank god. I hate having no air and ending up being covered in sweat at night. Its really icky, like evolution.

Oh, and I'm re-reading "Kitchen Confidential" by Anthony Bourdain. I found it at my parents while doing laundry, and I am sodamnexcited to be hearing tales of the seedy underworld of cooking again. The only pain in the ass is that reading the book makes me hungry, real hungry.

Anyone know of a place that serves some kickass waffle fries? I enjoy Granite City and Champps, but there's got to be some place out there that out does those two. Oh, and seasoned sour cream is a necessity.

To Peter- Have you purchased any "import" CDs yet? Also, have you eaten any of those crazy egg pizza things that they fry in front of you and cover in mayo? Those look delicious!

I'm Higher Than A Kite, I Know I'm Gettin Hooked On Your Love

NFL Season starts today! Although, there is something slightly unwholesome about starting the NFL season on a Thursday. It seems to me that Thursday has become the new Friday. I remember when I actually went out to the bars on Thursday (the old school Old Chicago days...God, what fun. I'm gonna have to post about those one day) they were almost as packed as Friday night. It always seemed a little like naughty fun to be out on a night when you weren't supposed to also. And the drink specials were cool. Maybe it actually makes perfect sense to start NFL 2K7 on Thursday after all.

In other NFL news, my fantasy team looks like pure shit. I have Donovan F. McNabb as my starting QB, and Kellen "I'm a soldier, a fucking soldier" Winslow Jr. as my TE. I think I have Earl Campbell or Marcus Allen as my running back, and Donald Igwebekie as my kicker. Looks like Ron Mexico's Fightin' Pups are gonna be a last place team.

Also, I have given up my dream of a lifetime of wedded bliss with Carrie Underwood for a lifetime of pining for Jenna Fischer. This ones gonna be tough, seeing how she's married and all, but a boy can dream, can't he?

THE CUTS!
Falling-Ben Kweller
This Is The One- Stone Roses
This Is For Real-Motion City Soundtrack
Walk Of Life-Dire Straits
No Myth-Michael Penn

Mr.Wendal, Looooord, Mr.Wendal

Has there ever been a group in music history more over hyped for one album than Arrested Development? Discuss.

So, the Labor Day weekend came and went (I have to go to work in about an hour). It was pretty good. Jeff, Christian and I were feeling good about our liquor run into Huddy yesterday, until we realized it was in Wisconsin. As most of you know, I would rather look at pics of Brittney Spearses vajayjay than set foot in cheeseland. So that sucked. And all the shit in Hudson advertised the Brewers and their football team. Whats the deal with that? Did someone not tell them they live 20 minutes from the Dome AND they are a suburb of Saint Paul? I guess all the years of inbreeding in Sconnie made those who live there a titch slow.

The movie "Enemy Of The State" is the shit.

The first "Batman" with Michael Keaton isn't.

The Cuts(Superfly Edition)
"Romeo and Juliet" Dire Straits
"Feel Your Love Tonight" Van Halen
"Shandi" KISS
"Freedom Of Choice" DEVO
"Baba O'Riley" either the OG by The Who or the Pearl Jam cover

You're A Heartbreaker

MIGHTY TARKIN SPLIT TWIN BILL

by Kiki Vandewege III
TJIFA staff reporter

FRIDLEY, MN-

Season 1.5 of Grand Moff Tarkin began tonight in a rousing fashion at the Fridley Ball Yards. The Tarkin beat up on Team Hardcore 14-5 in the first game and lost a heartbreaker to Brownberry in the second game, 27-19. The cause of the heartbreak was the shitty play of the incredibly attractive and intelligent 3rd baseman, Jake Eickholt. Although both gifted of glove and sexual ability on a normal night, Eickholt bobbled the third out of the inning on a routine ground ball. This lead to an eight run inning for the visitors.

Hot bats were wielded by catcher Shawn Almen and team captain (and US Olympic swimmer) Zach Eickholt. Manager-Shortstop Brandon Quade hit a 360 foot blast that just missed being the longest home run in Tarkin history. Also of note: First Baseman Jeff Hill was outstanding at the lead sack, making a run-saving catch of a Brownberry liner in the 5th inning. The Tarkin continue their season next week at the Fridley Ball Yards at 8 and 9 PM, Central Standard Time.

We'll Play Jacks and UNO Cards

So I was hanging out with my gay lover Wikipedia tonight, and I looked up Topps(as in the producer of baseball cards). I started reminiscing like Little River Band about how absolutely nuts I was about sports cards in the late 80s and early 1990s, and about how popular cards were. I remember the People's Plus on Humboldt used to actually have packs of cards from the 70s and 80s that you could buy for more per pack(I think that 1980 Topps went for like $13 a pack). Even today, I will still buy a pack of cards at least once a year, just for old times sake.

I also was remembering how absolutely gay some of the cards were. One cards that sticks out was a card of Jeff Bagwell in a tux holding a baseball, with his mullet and acne in full effect. What the fuck is cool about Jeff Fucking Bagwell in a tux? The other one that sticks out is Nolan Ryan tossing a football in his Rangers uniform. I remember my boys going absolutely ape shit for that card, and I think a couple of them paid like ten bucks for it at a card show at Village North. Ah, yes Village North card shows, AKA pedophiles delight. So many little boys in one place at a time, with no parents to be found. Weren't the 90s cool?

Oh, and am I the only one who remembers People's Plus?

And on a totally unrelated note, I propose a new name for Anoka County... how about Methlehem?

Five O'Clock World

Well, the first post-college job interview/job fair have had came and went today. I didn't get the job (sales account exec at KOOL 108) and I knew I wasn't going to get the job going into it. It wasn't a lack of self confidence, I just didn't have the sales experience that it would take to sell advertising on a regular basis for a national company. The guy who interviewed me seemed impressed with my knowledge of ratings systems and such, though, so I guess that was a silver lining. But he did tell me to wear a suit next time. Oh well, like Alanis said, you live, you learn. But, I did get a KOOL 108 T-Shirt and a Cities 97 Coozy! This had to be the only job interview I have ever gotten swag at. I don't even think I got a free latte OFFERED to me when I interviewed at Starbucks.

I'm kind of half out of it due to a full work day and a job fair, so I watched some soccer on ESPN 2. For those who don't know, I'm a closet soccer fan. The funny thing is, I really don't know all that much about it. I just like to watch it, for some reason(and to scream at the Canada U-20 team on TV when I'm drunk...thanks Labatts 10.1%). Anyways, it was Chivas vs. LA, or some team with sweet striped shirts vs. Beckham. Just watching for 20 minutes, you could see how one would find Beckham electric. LA was losing 2-0, and he created the only two scoring chances for his team. He may be old, and injured, but it was kind of like watching Jordan with the Wizards. Even if you didn't follow basketball, you could tell that he was the most naturally gifted man on the court. That he read things differently. That's what I felt when I saw Beckham tonight.

The Cuts!
"Love Lies Bleeding" Elton John
"Timebomb" Beck(Possibly the dumbest song ever by Mister Hansen)
"Give The Drummer Some" Ultramagnetic MC's
"Ugly As I Seem" White Stripes
"Babe" Styx

I've Been Waiting...Waiting For This Moment

This website totally justifies the stalker pics I took of the guy at Lolla in the Manute Bol jersey. Thank you, Jesus!

http://straightcashhomey.net/

P.S.- Isn't the blogs name fucking wonderful?

These Are Of A Few Of My Favorite(and Least Favorite)Things

I haven't done one of these in a while. Here it goes:

LIKES:

• Those Banana Pepper things you get with a pizza at Papa Johns. I've been putting them on everything for the last week
• Scarlett Johannson's mouth. I'd like to put something in that for about a week. And it ain't a banana pepper
• The cover of Rolling Stone with Guns N Roses on the cover. Coolest motherfuckers ever. They look like they would even kick Bon Scott's ass
• The 80s teen flick Class. Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Alan Ruck(aka Cameron from Ferris Buller aka Brandon Quade), and...CUSACK! Really, who gives a fuck when you have the Mt.Olympus of pussy guys?
• KISS In Attack Of The Phantoms- I don't think there could ever be something more retarded than this. I can't even begin to compare this movie to anything that exists. Its like if Corkey from Life Goes On wrote a movie about KISS, and then it was edited by Forrest Gump and I Am Sam. So basically, its fucking brilliant.
• Mountain Dew Game Fuel. It's like so fucking good it will make you forget every other soda that has ever existed, except for OK Soda.
• Hockey Fights on YouTube-Better than self-lovin'!
• "Nightswimming" by REM-I forgot how absolutely perfect this song is.

DISLIKES:

• That commercial for YAZ birth control. There is never a bigger turnoff than pieces of ass talking about their fucking period. Ever.
• This one customer who waits outside work every day at 4:30AM-Why in the fuck would you wait at that time for a Mocha Frapp? Really, who other than a resident of Anoka County does shit like this?
• Anoka County(and in particular order: Fridley, Coon Rapids, Blaine, Spring Lake Park). Andover gets a pass because it is less white trash than all the others.
• The little Skateboard P's that roll up and down the sidewalk in front of my building-Guess what? You're gonna get some girl named Lacey knocked up in about two years and spend your days working at either SA or Wal-Mart. Enjoy keeping me up while you can, you little fuckers!
• Hot Pockets-I finally hate them after over a year of living on my own.

Self High Five!

First off, I would love to congratulate myself on 400 posts. I have left all the other blogs in the dust(Heavy Into Jeff, FutureRhythm, Ennui du Pantleg, Nate's blog that lasted two days, all five of Quades blogs) and I alone am still here. I feel like the Highlander.

Now I'm gonna play doctor and declare the Twins legally dead. It was the shit that Santana struck out 17 the other day, but the Twinks could only manage one fucking run to support him. They had to bring in Nathan to save it. If they would have managed one more fucking run, Santana may have tied Kerry Wood and the Rocket with 20Ks. This just isn't their year. If only they could get another power hitter, like Jeff Cirillo...

The Cuts!
"Men's Needs" The Cribs
"At This Moment" Billy Vera and The Beaters
"Sara" Starship
"Now That I Am Blind" Deathray
"You Are The Girl" The Cars

I Try Not To Think About What Might Have Been...

So Millas cabin was a great time once again. There was a lot of beer drank, a lot of brats and potatoes eaten, and a lot of tunes listened to. One highlight was when I drunkenly tried to describe Susanne Vega's song "Luka" to Nate. Guess what is on the radio right now for like the first time in, oh, 20 years? Yep, "Luka". I feel like a fucking pussy, but I actually don't mind that song.

The only downside was the horseshit weather. That allowed us to go to the "Dirt Mall" as we always do. Sadly, they took out all the good shit (video store, arcade) and replaced it with a Bath and Body Works and the shittiest Foot Locker ever. The plus was I got to see "Superbad" at a really crappy Mann Theatre in Baxter. Verdict: fucking hilarious. I laughed the entire movie. The characters are believable and the dialogue is perfect for the way that 18 year old guys talk.

Onto other things: I was getting on a roll on Wikipedia tonight, and I stumbled across the "results" of the 1994 World Series. Yeah, I know there wasn't one, but some guy simulated it and came up with the Expos winning in 6. While reading this, I got really sad. I mean, not sad like when McDonalds takes away the McRib sad, but "Whoa shit what am I gonna do now?"sad. There are only a few things that do that. Here they are off the top of my head:

• John Lennon's Death (I nearly cry every time I think about it, due to the "what might have been" factor. What could he still have done had that fuck not killed him?)
• The 1998 NFC Championship Game
• The 1994 Baseball Strike
• NBC Cancelling "The Black Donnely's"
• Adam Kennedy's homerun in the 2002 ALCS
• Owen Harts Death (I was a huge wrestling fan at the time, and I enjoyed his antics every week. Plus, he had a wife and kids)

The baseball strike still gets me physically sick thirteen years after the fact. I think that it is due to the fact that 1994 was following on the "years that end in 4 kick ass" theory. You had the OJ trial, the Rangers winning the Cup, Cowboys-Niners, World Cup '94, Super Metroid and MKII, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, Tommy Boy, Seinfeld hitting it's peak, Green Day "Dookie", Pearl Jam "Vitalogy", "Interstate Love Song" Warren G and Nate Dogg Regulatin', OK Soda, the Bigfoot Pizza, That rockin burger McDonalds did for Batman and Robin and me delivering the Brooklyn Park Sun-Post every Wednesday. Wouldn't a kick ass series featuring Pedro Martinez facing Donnie Baseball just be icing on the cake?

I Got A Secret Up At Uncle Steve's Cabin

T-minus 15 hours til I cast off the workaday world and pack it in for Mista Millas cabin for a weekend of fun, sun, beer and rum. Yesssss! I love Millas cabin. Something good always happens up there, all the way from the crazy neighbor taking us on a magic pontoon ride at 3AM to Steve Louwerse killing many fish with water dynamite. One year I got so "into the cabin" that I rocked the fuck out to "Bad Medicine" with a lawn chair. Another time I led a conga line to disco Star Wars (I also think that was the time Cody shat himself and we had to hide the knives from people).

Hopefully, I will have a new job offer when I get home. I have been applying for sales positions for the last week, and I would like to start my career now. I really don't like working 77.5 hours every two weeks and taking home under 600 bucks. Honestly, I'd do pretty much anything right now that paid around 15 an hour. I like Starbucks as a company, but its really freaking hard to live on my wage.

THE CUTS!(MILLAS CABIN G.O.A.T. EDITION!)
"Macho City"-Steve Miller Band
"Still Fly"-Big Tymers
"Bad Medicine"-Bon Jovi
"Star Wars Theme/Cantina Band"-Meco
"I'm A Believer"-Neil Diamond
"Alone Again(Naturally)"-Gilbert O'Sullivan
"Wigwam Bam"-The Sweet
Anything by Uriah Heap

Chicago Day 3

So, day three was a winner. I saw Pearl Jam, who kicked a lot of ass. Note, they weren't revolutionary. But they did kick ass, and they did appease me by playing "Crazy Mary." Kings of Leon got the biggest response from the audience when they pulled Vedder onstage for their finale. I have never seen so many people calling their friends to tell them what they just saw.
My Morning Jacket was rockin like a southern fried Dokken, and they brought out the Chicago Youth Symphony to add some to their show. !!! was possibly the worst band in the history of the fucking world, and actually introed a song with "This is a big song in Spain." Who gives a fuck?

On the way home, some fat whiny Canuck bitch in a Roots hoodie cried about her drunk BF and how she needed to get him home. When I told her where the train stop was, she got lippy and said that I better not be "shittin" her. I have never wanted to hit someone so bad in my life. The only plus was some brah used the curse "Jesus fuck" which is my personal favorite curse. I had to give him the rock for that one. Oh, and we ended up riding the train with the feudin Canucks. The dumpy broad cried the whole way home. And Jeff sang that country song that the dude from "The Real World" sang. Ich liebe drunken train rides!

Later on, the Rosemount McDonalds wouldn't allow us to order off the dollar menu after midnight, so we went to 7-Eleven. I have dined at this McDonalds about five times, and not once have I got a competent order taker.

Chicago Day 2

So back again. We left off with our heroes napping. We all slept until 8am (except for Christian, who walked around the city at 1am) and woke to enjoy some pastry. Then, we headed off to the train station.

On the Blue Line there was this obese man with a Walgreens shirt and a Jesus Loves Me key chain thingy. He started screaming that he was diabetic and that he needed a seat because he got dizzy. I was kind of hoping someone would pull a Danny DeVito and throw shithead from the train. Alas, the jerkoff rode for two or three stops, then started screaming, then finally got off. Never saw him again.

After about an hour we got to the festival and watched the Fratellis. They rocked shit really hard, and seemed to actually be a better live band than on CD (and personally, I think the CD "Costello Music" kicks ass). Next was Ted Leo, who played a set full of pumped up anthems like "Me and Mia" and "Where Have All The Rudeboys Gone?" What really surprised me is how tight all the bands were. It was like listening to a CD in most cases.

There was a break between bands, so we went to a bar called the Exchequer that the Crew visits every time they are in Chicago. Some kick ass jams were picked on the jukebox, with the exception of "Got To Get You Into My Life" by Earth, Wind and Fire. The Exchequer has fantastic food, and I had a Feta burger. I guess the pizza is Roger Ebert's favorite in Chicago. All the beer and Greek burger was washed down with a Pina Coloda Slurpee from 7-Eleven.

The next band we saw was The Black Keys. Holy hot shit, could these cats play! Jeff said that seeing the lead singer play guitar was the closest to ever seeing Jimi he's gonna get, and I think he was right. Only owning one Black Keys album didn't hamper my enjoyment at all. All I can say is ROCK!

I wanted Giordano's, so it was time to go home. Friday kind of sucked for the amount of bands that played, but Saturday and Sunday looked much more promising. Would they be? And how much pizza exactly would I eat? Stay tuned!

The Bridge Is Over/Chicago Day One

First off, I will address the 35W bridge collapse. Horrible, and really really scary. I have only felt worse seeing something play out live on TV one other time in my life, and that was 9/11. The fact that I drove over that bridge on a regular basis for two years, and that I was on it the day before scares the shit out of me. That's pretty much all I can say that hasn't been said, along with sending out my condolences to those families who lost someone.

Onto something happier (horseshit transition, but bear with me). I made my annual pilgrimage to Chicago for Lollapalooza on Thursday. The crew was a bit deeper this year, with Jeff, Milla and Christian forming the Minnesota Wrecking Crew along with myself, Big Jake Studd. Chicago is my favorite city, due to the melange of food, passion for sports and abundance of cockbrooms on fat assed Pollacks. Anyways, I started my ride off at the local SA like I always do(Milla pronounced it saw, trying to be cool but coming up a little short). After the usual stop in Madison for Rocky Ro's Pizza Theatre(they were running a special called "Meatallica" in August) we headed on into the Des Plaines Hilton.

The Des Plaines Hilton is located near a Hooters, a Target, a MacDons, a 7-Eleven and a Giordanos. Pretty much all I need in life. We had a little time to kill, so we stopped off at Hoots for some Miller Lites. Mind you, this is the same Hooters that housed the preggo waitress last year. Not much better in 2007. Our Hooters girl had all the personality of Albert Belle and was, to put it politely, a plain Jane. At least the fried pickles were divine, along with the massive amounts of man talk(how smokingly hot Rachel Nichols of ESPN is, the Purps chances this year, and how much of a bitch Favre is).

Next stop was the Touhy Liq(which is right next to a daycare and a police station. Now you know why I love the Chi!) for Old Styles. The nice Polish dude working there gave us a "deal" on a couple of 30 bangers of Styles. I say "deal" because they were old and kept in a back room somewhere. Oh well, still good in that Old Style way.

The rest of the night consisted of the Minnesota Wrecking Crew drinking Styles and listening to a station called LOVE 100, which played old school soul and disco jams nonstop. Shit like Hall and Oates bumped uglies with MC Hammer and The Miracles. Then we all passed out around 8PM. No biggie, seeing how the fest began in earnest the next morning.

I Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Hate I Hate My 30s

Holy shit VH1s "I Hate My 30s" is terrible. I sat down thinking I'd be at least slightly amused, but within the first five minutes I decided that Heath Ledger going Brokeback on me would be more appealing(not to mention funnier). The show has absolutely nothing redeeming going on for it, one of the characters looks like my Aunt Jenny(who has had six kids)and is supposed to be a sex symbol, and one of the characters is trying to rip off Booger from "Revenge Of The Nerds." I honestly can say I thought "Schlinder's List" was funnier, and that was the most sober movie of all time. Oh, and they close the show with a PSA with an animated fox telling them not to drunk dial if they are married. Bombs over Baghdad!

The Cuts!
Love Plus One-Haircut 100
Uncertain Smile-The The
A New England-Billy Bragg
Banquet-Bloc Party
Gimme Some Water-Eddie Money

Scandal-The Warrior(Or Maybe the Warriors?)

Mr.Benesh asked for it, and here it goes: I always knew that the NBA was not, per se, fixed, but that something fishy was going on. It's not even a gambling thing. The way it works is that big name players have always gotten ridiculous calls. I am not exactly sure why this happens(my theory is that the NBA kind of nudges the refs to let the KGs, AIs and Lebrons of the sport score more). What I am sure of is that this happens in all pro sports, and it has gone on forever. Greg Maddox's strike zone was always wider than Frankie Rodriguez's, and Gretzky basically changed the way a NHL game was played and called (he was the littlest guy out there, and basically off limits). So all sports leagues are flawed, but a ref actually calling T's to get one team to shoot more fouls to cover the spread (like supposedly happened in the Knicks-Heat game earlier this year) is fucking crazy. I just hope that this doesn't expand into other refs. I actually have started to watch the NBA much more closely after about a ten year slacking off period, and this would kill all the new enthusiasm that I picked up for it in the last two years.

The Cuts!
Lady Don't Tek No- Latryx
Bombers-Gary Numan
Calley Oh-Billy Squier
International Players Anthem-UGK/OutKast
Smoke Rings In The Dark-Gary Allan

The Curse Of Ragnar

The last two weeks of my life have been spent doing pretty much nothing, nada, zippo. I work my workweek and I come home and do one of two things:
1.Watch TV
2.Read

One book I just finished was Now I Can Die In Peace by Bill Simmons. The book is a fantastic read about one Red Sox fan and his obsession with his team that some call "cursed." Simmons never subscribes to the curse, and when the Sox finally won it all in the magical summer of 2004, Simmons gets pumped that all the curse talk is dead for good.

This got me thinking about my own local sports franchises. I am nearly 25 years old, and I have seen two Minnesota teams win titles in my lifetime. My father is in the same boat. Over that time, I can think of more actual instances of depression and heartbreak than victory and elation. All the usual suspects are there: the Wolves in the magical summer of 2004, the Twins in 2002,03,04 and the dump that they took last year, and of course, the fucking 1998 Vikings.

Actually, I am positive that the Minnesota Vikings have a more star-crossed history than that of the Boston Red Sox. Too many crazy things have happened to this team over the years to think, hey, it's just a really bad 48 year streak the Purp got going for them. Here are just a few examples of events in the timeline of sadness:

• Super Bowl IV-I wasn't around for this one, but my dad said that it was one of the worst experiences of his sporting life. According to the sportswriters, there was no way in hell that the Vikings were losing this game to the Chiefs. They had beat the shit out of the Browns the week before and were something like a 16 point favorite. Yet, the Chiefs made the NFL champs look dated and slow by shutting down their running game and coming at the Vikes with something that the NFL was not used to-a passing offense. Add to that the Chiefs jackass coach being mic'ed for NFL Films and calling the super long Otis Taylor touchdown on film, and it was insult to injury.
• All the other Super Bowl losses- Every time I see a highlight film of any of the Vikings Super Bowl losses, it acts as if the Dolphins, Steelers and Raiders beat an imaginary opponent. There is NOTHING on the Vikings. Nothing. They will show one or two plays, then bust nuts about how God-like Terry Bradshaw was. The truth is, the Vikes never really got blown out in any of the games. Then again, they really didn't hold their own in any either...
• The "Hail Mary Game." I have spent my whole life hearing about this game. Basically, my dad told me that one of the Pearsons on the Cowboys pushed Nate Wright down, no flag was thrown, and a ref got clocked by a whiskey bottle thrown by some drunk from Fridley. Well, three years ago, I tracked down a bootleg copy of this game on eBay. That is exactly what happened. The Vikes were fucked by a shitty non-call, and some stupid ref got what he deserved. The saddest part is that this team was 12-2 and was probably the most realistic shot at winning a Super Bowl. Oh, did I mention that this game caused Vikes QB Fran Tarkenton's dad to have a heart attack and die? I am not making this up
• The "Darrin Nelson Game" (1987 NFC Championship Game)- I remember this one. I was five and had just started watching sports hardcore. I remember a pretty mediocre Vikings team shocking a really good New Orleans team and one of the 49ers dynasty teams both on the road. Then came the Redskins. Tommy Kramer was going through one of his injured periods and Wade Wilson was throwing bombs to Anthony Carter and Leo Lewis like he was Elway. A.C. even got the cover of S.I. the week of this game. Then fucking Darrin Nelson has to drop the easiest freaking pass ever as he was about to go into the end zone with four seconds left in the 4th. Goodbye win, goodbye trip to the Super Bowl to face the Broncos (like this wasn't going to be a win?), and hello Herschel. If you can find the clip of this on YouTube, don't watch it. I watched it 12 times in an hour. It shows some bar in International Falls all primed to celebrate, then, BOOM!
• Steve Young's run- yes, the most legendary run in NFL history was done on one of the top ranked defenses of the late 80s. The Stormin Mormon worked his way through Browner, Millard, Carl Lee, Al Noga and seven other guys. And I get to see it whenever there is a highlight show!

None of this compares to something that I still haven't come to grips with totally, and it will be nine years in January. Something that is so painful that I can barely type this without getting teary-eyed. Something that made me cry drunk when my friend Brandon somehow found my tape of this at a party and threw it on. Yep, its the 1998 NFC title game.

That fall was one of the most magical in Vikings history. So many good moments, like Moss torching the Cowboys on Thanksgiving and the Packers on MNF. The team was 15-1! The only loss came against Tampa Bay because Mike Alstott decided to have a career day. Randall Cunningham was amazing, there were three scary as hell deep threats(Moss, Chris Carter and Jake Reed), Robert Smith was having an awesome season, Gary Anderson didn't miss a fucking field goal all year, and the defense kicked ass. And the Niners, Packers and Cowboys were out of the playoffs. WE WERE PLAYING THE FALCONS!!!!!! Miami was booked. We were going to beat the Broncos in two weeks, cause there was no way in hell the Jets were beating them. Finally, a Super Bowl!

Except Denny felt the need, with the best offense in NFL history, to take a knee with about a minute left in regulation. Lets take another game with a similar scenario. Lets say that the Patriots take a knee to play OT with the Rams in Super Bowl XXXV. Then Tom Brady doesn't become God. Expect that Denny Green is one of the worst NFL coaches ever in the postseason and Bill Belichick of the Pats is a coaching mastermind. So the knee is taken. And Morten Andersen kicks the game winner for the Falcons in OT. Yep, I knew this was going to happen from the SECOND that Gary Anderson missed the clincher in regular time.

Honestly, I have no idea what happened after the game. I blocked it out. My tape of the game cuts off the second the Falcons win, and goes to the AFC game. I may have went to Target or K-Mart to buy a graphing calculator, but I think that was after a Packers loss. I did cry, my brothers cried, and my dad cried. The next day at school, no one talked, except for my friend Kyle. He paused at the lunch table, looked at me, and said "We are not fucking talking about it. Ever. Not fucking ever." Then we ate our Italian dunkers.

The aftermath of the game was terrible. My dad became a Buccaneers fan for two years. I basically quit following sports and started investing myself into pro wrestling until around 9/11. And the loss broke the last bit of sanity of Vikings fans.

That game begat the 41-0 game at Giants Stadium two years later. I had spent the night at Steve Louwerses house playing Final Fantasy Tactics, and while driving the five miles from his house to my parents, the Giants scored two TDs. Game over. Even more heartbreak happened at the Cardinals game when Nate Poole caused the Vikes to miss the playoffs(and Paul Allen to have an on-air fit doing the play by play). I tried to call my friends, but they knew how I was going to bitch, so no one picked up. This was also right after I got dumped by my girlfriend of two years. God, what a great time!

That pretty much sums up the Vikings curse moments from my perspective. I have no idea how the curse got there, but I do know, to paraphrase Michael Jackson, the curse is real and I believe in it.

(Oh, and while writing this, ESPN showed Mike Vick's 75 yard run through the Vikings defense in OT to win a regular season game. Thanks, fuckers)

Love Plus One

So today I was about to go do some laundry and "Scott Baio is 45 and Single" came on. Needless to say, laundry had to wait. This may be the most perfect reality show ever, and I've only seen the first fifteen minutes so far. In the opening, the Baio reveals that he lost his virginity to Joanie...and then makes a "Joanie really did love Chachi" joke! He took the work out of it for us. Then, he goes to play golf with Wayne from "The Wonder Years". Even his crew of buddies besides Wayne (straight out of ethnic Italian typecasting 101) are fantastic. Oh, and since the Baio is the executive producer, I think he picks the music. All I've heard so far are INXS, the Cure and the Pretenders. And a-Ha. I am 100% positive the Baio went over to his CD rack and picked the tunes that got him laid in 1991 for the soundtrack. Wait, what is that? HAIRCUT 100! "LOVE PLUS ONE"! I love this show.

The thing is, I usually hate reality TV. The first "Real Worlds" were nice, but after the whole threesome in the hot tub thing in Vegas, I lost interest. I once saw Rudy from Survivor at the State Fair with Dave Ryan from KDWB, but that really didn't get me interested either. My previous highlight in reality TV would have to be "Breaking Bonaduce" when he chugs cranberry vodkas on a curb after an argument with his wife. I am sure that this show will top anything I saw from Danny Partridge.

Oh Canada

Just got back from Quebec City and Montreal where I stayed busy for a week. Some of the highlights:

• Getting hassled by the border patrol at both the Canadian and U.S. borders. Now I know why Ice Cube and T thought the way that they did.
• Eating, lots of eating. Something called "Pizza Lunch" which was like a pizza slice inside a roll was one of my favorites. Also, a Montreal style hot dog with mayo, lettuce and french fries on top.
• Canadian Beer. They have a 10.1% content Labatts 40 for four bucks Canuck. Drinking one of these caused me to black out and yell at the U-20 World Cup match on CBC. This was also the same night that I saw tits on late nite TV. What an odd beer.
• The waterfall outside Quebec. It was bigger than Niagra. I'm not usually one for cornball shit like this, but it was awesome.
• The fact that the largest convenience store chain in Quebec is "Couche-Tard"
• No English. OK, this got real old real quick, but it was quite novel for a while
• The cobblestone streets of Quebec
• Watching the Canadian equivalent of "The Daily Show" and not understanding a single political reference
• POUTINE!! The best Poutine was at A&W, strangely enough. DQ also had good poutine. I went to a local place called Chez Ashton that had some crazy ass poutine, like "Michigan" with chili and hot dogs, and one with peas and ham.
• The street performers. Dudes juggling fire is always cool.

Live Wire, Barely A Beginner...But Watch That Lady Go!

First off, I'm not going to talk about the Chris Benoit murder-suicide in depth. Its just really shocking, and sad.

On to the only other story in the media-the KG trade. At this point, I really think he should be traded. There is no way he can play here and be happy at this point, unless the Wolves trade for Kobe and lure MJ out of retirement. I just hope McHale doesn't botch this one too badly, but you know he will. I'm assuming its going to be Luke Walton and Andrew Bynum for Garnett and the #7 pick. Come on, you know they are just going to draft the big Asian if they keep the pick.

The only upside in this is that a white Lakers Garnett jersey would look pretty bad ass.

Trailers For Sale or Rent

UPDATE: The ghetto bitch who I wrote about in my previous blog started the appartment complex on fire later that night. Sure, it was only the bottom floor, but still. She claimed the situation was "Straight up D-Bo" and also that she was on some "L.I.B shit" with another ghetto bitch. Also, I guess the "Block was hot 'cause they was pigs comin. Lots of pigs".

So I was reminiscing about my greatest Cheapo conquests with myself at work today, and I realized that the best one was when I found the British Now 7 for $2.95. It turns out that this was the first Now ever released on CD. I sold it on eBay for 75 pounds. A profit of 140 bucks is never something to frown on. I also found my dad Rare Earth live, which is worth over $100.

Some finds that I would like to find at Cheapo:
"Breaking Atoms"-Main Source. The likelihood of finding this is slim to none, as its been OOP since like the mid 90s and it wasn't all that popular then. I'd pay like 10 for it, seeing as how the Japanese import goes for $30.

"Where I'm Coming From"-Stevie Wonder. Released in 1971, during the so called classic period. OOP since the early 90s and goes for $40 on eBay. It has one of my fave cuts on it, "If You Really Love Me."

And the holy grail, the 60s Soul box set from Rhino. This thing is so fucking rare that I have only seen a track listing once. The 70s Soul box set may be the best box of all time, so this one would be crucial.

In The Ghetto

One of the highlights of my life is listening to the gutter trash that lives in my apartments complex argue about nonsense. I just heard an awesome, uplifting speech about how if some girl gets jumped, she will take the "L", but then real N-words like her boy Mitchell do it real the next time. I know a shit ton of hard assed mafuckers named Mitchell. Still, it doesn't match the arguement my roommate Mark heard the couple below us having. The whole arguement, at 8 AM on a Saturday, was about who could get ready faster. Bomb Fridley!

Seems To Me, You Don't Want To Talk About It.

So the James Gang rides into America's most boring city tonight to play the biggest piece of shit boring franchise in professional sports. Guess who I'm going to be rooting for? Yep, I've been a King James mark since day one. But that's beside the point. I think I'd root for just about ANY team that was playing the Spurs. Like, for instance, if the Packers could somehow put a starting five on the floor, I may root for them. I hate hate hate the Spurs. They make vanilla ice cream and the missionary position seem exciting. Their unis suck. Their team is a bunch of foreign soccer flopping pussies led by the Big Snooze, Tim Duncan. I don't care how good you are, if you can't entertain, I'm not interested. The only way I'm ever going to like the Spurs is if they coax Charles Oakley out of retirement to bitch slap Tyrone Hill at half-court one more time.

The Cuts!
"Still Rock and Roll To Me" Mr.William Joel
"Gangsters" The Specials
"At This Moment" Billy Vera and The Beaters (Side note on this one: Wasn't Courtney Cox kinda kute on "Family Ties" during this time period? Sure she had big hair and may have been sporting retro-bush, but I still would have been there to pick up the pieces when she dumped Alex. Oh, and Skippy was a douche.)
"Baby It's You"-Smith
"Cupid"-The Spinners
"Tracy"-The Cufflinks (Side Note #2- Sixties bubblegum is the shit!)

I Get Bored

So, here it goes. I have nothing to do on a Friday night. NOTHING! I could go out, but I'm kinda broke, and plus, I'm saving my alcoholic ammo for Sunday night. So I sat around Casa de Pancake and bumped fiddy cent vinyl. Here's some of the rundown:

Stevie Wonder- "Hotter Than July" From the outset, I only knew "Master Blaster." Or at least I thought I did. HOLY SHIT, IT'S GOT "LATELY" ON IT!! I forgot this one! Don't call me pussy, but the Jodeci cover of this jam was a fave of mine in junior high. And "Happy Birthday" may be a little corny, but it did pretty much single handedly get a national holiday started. Plus, most of the other songs (I Ain't Gonna Stand For It, Do Like You especially) are pretty good. I'm believing this is REAL underrated right now.

The Honeydrippers-This is an EP. It has "Sea Of Love" on it. That song is the jam, and it's really weird that the guy who ripped through "Heartbreaker" fifteen years prior is singing with an orchestra. Or maybe not, after all, "All Of My Love" got mad airplay on stations alongside the Carpenters back in the day. Pretty decent for fifty cents.

Pete Townsend-"Empty Glass" I only got through side one. But I listened to "Let My Love Open The Door" five times. Is there a more perfect pop song? Maybe not. It's not a coincidence that this was a bigger hit than any song that the Who released in the US. Pound for pound, I would rather have any Who disc though.

Cyndi Lauper-"She's So Unusual" Hey little three year old Jake. How is 1985? Pretty sure that riding in the Cordoba is cool, and that this may be up there with "Purple Rain," "Thriller," "Like A Virgin,""Sports" and "Control" as albums that defined the decade. Remember when radio stations (not just KQ) played album cuts like "Trapped" by Springsteen and "Erotic City" by Prince? Well, I remember Cyndi's version of "When You Were Mine" (A PRINCE COVER!) playing on WLOL as a tyke. Didn't realize that he did the song at the time. The three non radio hits are pretty weak, but has there been a song as good as "Time After Time" released in a while? Didn't think so.

Donald Fagen-"The Nightfly" This album cover is fucking cool as shit. Not in a KISS way. Its just a DJ smoking unfiltered Chesterfields at 4:10 AM over a turntable. I love the fact that I have this on vinyl. You couldn't make out the miniture details on the CD booklet. "I.G.Y." is the radio hit you'd remember, but this albums pretty bomb. And it sounds exactly like Steely Dan, mainly because it is. I even think the other dude played on it. Nope, it was Toto and Valerie Simpson. Solid, solid as a rock I say.

Monday Morning, You Sure Look Fine. Me, I Got Travelin' On My Mind

I am super amped for softball tomorrow. Our skipper had eye surgery, and he is planning on playing with only one eye to inspire the Tarkins. Plus, we had a team practice where everyone looked like hot shit. So, wish us good luck, God.

In a little over a month and a half, I'm going to Quebec City/Montreal for a week. I plan on purchasing a Shawn Michaels shirt and posing in front of the Molson Centre in honor of the tenth anniversary of the Montreal Screwjob. I also plan on picking up some Expos and Nordiques gear if I can find it. Oh, and I plan on ingesting as much poutine as one man can ingest.

The Cuts!
"God Gave Rock and Roll To You II" KISS
"Monday Morning" Fleetwood Mac
"First I Look At The Purse" The Contours
"Bloody Well Right" Supertramp
"What Is Life" George Harrison

Everybody, Have You Heard? If You're In The Game, Then The Strokes The Word

So I was reading the New York Times today, and I saw that there was an article on Bono on A1. Curious as to how Bono could get on page 1 without a reference to global debt, I read on. Turns out that Bono doesn't like all the smoke from old chimneys that is coming into his posh NYC abode. That wasn't the interesting part. The man who was filling his appartment with smoke was none other than...BILLY FUCKING SQUIER! Yep, he of the Stroke. The article mentioned that his last hit was in 1984 ("Rock Me Tonight") totally out of context, so I assume that the author was as fucking shocked as I was that Billy wasn't living in Section 8 housing somewhere in Philly. Guess that he invested very well.

The article also quoted Mitch Miller, the old head of Colombia Records in the 1950s who wouldn't sign rock and roll acts. He was also the guy who had that sing along with the bouncing ball show around the same time. Wikipedia him. The funny thing is that I thought that Mitch Miller died in 1972. But I guess he lives with Billy Squier and Bono in some freak high rise around Central Park.

In other news, I graduated from the U. So if anyone needs someone to do some lowly bitch work for an ad agency, I'm your man.

The Cuts!
"The Salt In My Tears" Martin Briley
"White Trash Heroes" Archers Of Loaf
"Sophmore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year" Prince cover of the Fall Out Boy Jam
"Since You've Been Gone"(39th week at #1) Rainbow

God Save The Queen

So its three down, one to go (and that ones in progress). Yup, I'm straight talkin about finals week. I am writing my J4261 Roth IRA paper as we speak. Or at least as I type. I am going to be so relieved when this whole thing is over. I decided not to walk on Sunday, as I didn't really make any close friends at school and I look like a bloated whale in maroon. Oh well. Here's the CDs I listened to (in their wholeness) while slaving away at the comp today:

Starz- "Violation" These dudes sound like a cross between Kiss and Big Star. They rule. If you can find "Cherry Baby" download it.

Boston-S/T Every song from this disc STILL gets played on the radio. The only weak song, in my humble opinion, is "Smokin'" which sounds like broke ass southern rock. And that one still has a shit load of fans. One of the best rock albums of all time.

Teenage Fanclub-"Songs From Northern England" This one sounds like straight up Big Star, with even more lovely melodies. Way better than "Bandwagonesqe" which for some reason Spin named album of the year in 1991. Um, how about "Nevermind"? "Ten"? "Death Certificate"?

Modest Mouse-"We Were Dead Before The Ship Sank" Less songs about floating, more about new positions. About the same amount of lyrics about bugs. I dig this one even more than the last one, mainly because there are no bullshit trumpet flares between songs.

Neil Young "Live At Massey Hall" Ol' Neil. I usually can't follow a whole album of yours, save for "Harvest" because they are BORING! But no twelve minute Crazy Horse guitar freekouts equals one fucking fantastic acoustic disc. I even like the hoedown number before the encore.

Black Sabbath-"Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" This was my winding down paper, getting it up for softball disc. It was a tossup between this and "Reign In Blood" by Slayer. Sab is a little more melodic, so I picked this over the mellow balladeers in Slayer. "Paranoid" is still better, mainly because it reminds me of Hardees and childhood, but Sab Blod Sab is damn sweet, too. Like Ozzy, I'm lookin for today.

Groovin On A Sunday Afternoon

I have myself somewhat of a Sunday night ritual. I go to my parents for dinner, then I come home and listen to the last hour of the American Top 40 flashback show on KOOL 108. This week was particularly interesting. It was the last week in April 1977, and, seeing how this was five years before I was born one would figure that I would only know a handful of songs. Well, with the exception of a Barbara Streisand song from "A Star Is Born," I knew all of them. I cannot believe how diverse top 40 radio was thirty years ago. Heres what I can remember:

#13- Fly Like an Eagle
12-"I'm So Into You" Alanta Rhythm Section
11-"Carry On My Wayward Son" Kansas
10-"Maybe I'm Amazed" Wings
9-"I've Got Love On My Mind" Natalie Cole
8-"The Things We Do For Love" 10CC
6"Southern Nights" Glen Campbell
5-"Don't Give Up On Us"-David Soul
4-"Don't Leave Me This Way" Thelma Houston
3-"Hotel California"
2-"Dancing Queen"-ABBA
1-"RICH GIRL"

So there you go. If you read this blog, you probably also know all these songs. Out of the thirteen I heard, we've got one of the greatest pop songs ever at number one, probably the best solo McCarthy song at #10, two kick ass rock songs at 12 and 11, one of the only really passable disco songs at #4, an underrated pop jem at #8 and some assorted guilty pleasures along the way. The only ones I cant stand are "Hotel" and the Natalie Cole song. Now lets look at this weeks top 10:

#10- "Cupids Chokehold" Gym Class Heroes
9-"U and UR Hand" Pink
8-"I Tried" Bone T&H/Akon
7-"This Is Why I'm Hot" MIMS
6-"The Sweet Escape"Gwen Stefani
5-"Buy You A Drink" T-Pain/Yung Joc
4-"Glamorous" Fergie
3-"Don't Matter" Akon
2-"Give It To Me" Timbaland/Nelly Furtado/Justin Timberlake
1-"Girlfriend" Avril Lavigne

Out of this top ten, which ones will ANYONE remember? I'm going with the Stefani song, maybe Glamorous, probably Cupid's Chokehold and Don't Matter. That Timbaland song went to #1, and I already forgot it. Girlfriend is a catchy little piece of bubblegum. "This Is Why I'm Hot" is easily the worst song to ever hit #1, I think I've heard the Pink song once, and I know I heard the T-Pain song only once, and it was 30 seconds if that. Oh, and BONE THUGS N HARMONY HAS A TOP TEN SINGLE! Did anyone fucking know this? When was their last hit, the Batman song or "Ghetto Cowboy" if you count side projects. That was about ten years ago. What we see on TV is obviously out of whack with what everyone is buying, at least according to Billboard.

In conclusion, music was better 30 years ago.

Oh, and KOOL 108 just played a string of "Christine Sixteen" by KISS, "Are You Experienced?" by Jimi and then "1969" by the Stooges. This further proves my point.

The Boy In The Magical Bubble

This ain't about Senifeld or that Travolta movie where he talks about jerkin off. This isn't even Jake Gyllenhall's first star turn. This is about a band going into a biosphere like The Wheez, Fine Ass Kylie Minouge and the dumb Baldwin. I guess the band Cartel is going to record their new album in some sort of David Blane-esqe enclosure in New York. My question is this: how in the hell is this going to make the music good?

I will be the first to admit, I haven't heard one second of this band. I really have been slacking on new music that isn't by established artists. All I know is that Alt Press covers them frequently, and they were getting pushed around the same time that the Quietdrive album came out. And I think their album cover is white.

But this isn't going to make me listen to them. I hate stunts. I hate people to have to pander to the lowest common denominator to make me give two shits about them. This is no different to me than any reality TV star. Watch, this will turn out to be a reality show of some sort. Could you see Springsteen, The Beatles, fuck, even a hip hop group/artist from the golden age doing this? Slick Rick live from inside an atomic sub, doing "The Ruler's Back?" Maybe PE doing "Fear Of A Black Planet" live from Siberia? This just smacks of desperation.

And You Know That My Name Is Not Susan

It happened again tonight. I got called something other than Jake. I got called Zach in my German class by my TA. It was weird, because my former manager at Maple Grove always called me Zach also. I don't look anything like my brother. He's tall and skinny, and I'm built like a bowling ball. This has happened to me my whole life. I used to get called Josh all the time in elementary school and in middle school. I think I'm pretty "Jake" looking. Maybe not, I guess.

The Cuts!
-"Death Or Glory" The Clash
-"Don't Let's Start" They Might Be Giants
-"I Left My Wallet In El Segundo" A Tribe Called Quest
-"Christine Sixteen" KISS

Gonna (Un)Dress You Up In My Love, All Over, All Over

Holy crap! I was flipping through the channels tonight and I came across "Undressed" on MTV! I forgot that this show existed in any way, shape or form. Many nights in high school were spent watching Tommy from the Power Rangers have an affair involving a cock ring, and Seth Cohen trying real hard to get laid. The only thing I need to complete my Jake circa `99 experience would be Pearl Jam "Yield" playing in the background and a crapload of Taco Bell induced acne. Then I could get in my Cutlass Calais and drive to Video Update to rent PSX games!

I just remembered that I wrote an article in my high school paper about this show. I may go to my parents house sometime and get copies of my "Rebel Times" columns and post the highlights. Then again, maybe not.

I went to my best friend Wikipedia to find out why exactly "Undressed" was on. It didn't help. According to Wiki, the show ended in 2002. What the hell? I guess that I will chalk it up to good luck at a time I didn't really have anything else to watch. "Undressed" is like the sexy chicks in underwear equivalent of the McRib. I don't know why it showed up or when it will leave. I only know that it is really tasty when its here.

I'm On Call

First off, Joakim Noah is the fucking ugliest human being ever. He's not only an ugly human being, he looks more like an ugly woman than an ugly man. But, his mother is really hot. I guess she was Miss Sweden or something. Quit chewing on your mouthgard!

Greg Oden looks like he's 25.

New Kings Of Leon tomorrow. I didn't get to listen to this one beforehand like the other one, but "On Call" is the ish and seem to be a nice departure from the older stuff. Kind of grown up.

The Twins took the O's to the woodshed tonight. I see more than the 4th place S.I. gave them. When the hell has that magazine ever been right, anyways. I think for the last three years they have picked the Angels to win it all.

The Cuts!
"Fashion" David Bowie
"Funny Funny" The Sweet
"Kingdom Come" Tom Verlaine
"Never Be The Same Again" Ghostface Killah

She's Radioactive (Radioactive)

I'm pretty psyched for the Twins season to start. Hopefully that will break me out my current, unexplained Fred Funk I'm in. Maybe it has to do with the ghetto children running around the parking lot screaming witty little bon mots like, "Don't call mae Lizzie anymo'. Only mae friend call mae Liz." Or my personal fave, "Dat's right, I called yo a D-I-C-Khead." Not to mention the fucks revving the engines on their Silverados and Grand Prixs at 12:30AM. Oh, and they don't lock our apartment doors. I hate Fridley.

Joss Stone is on Craig Ferguson right now. All I can think of is, "God, what a fine ass prostitute." Just kidding. I don't care who fucks who, as long as the final product is listenable. Shit, Bob Dylan could have blown everyone in Cafe Wha? and as long as "Blonde On Blonde" was the gangsta shit, who gives a fuck?

The reason I'm watching Mr. Fergie is that Robin Williams is on Conan. I would rather take it in the pooper from the "Rabid Wolverine" Chris Benoit than ever watch that ADD attention deprived Leprechaun ever again. Ah-lalalalalala, Uh-whoowhoowhoo. And that's the gist of his sthick.

Ain't No Other Man (She Wouldn't F@#% For Tracks)

Thanks Jeff for telling me about this one. Finally read some of the comments that Dallas Austin said about Christina Aguilera and Joss Stone gettin nasty for production on their respective albums. We all knew that Xtina or whatever the fuck was a no talent whore, but Joss Stone? Really now, besides being in my fanstasy file, where is she really been? "Fell In Love With A Boy" got a little airplay, and that last single was horrible. But, you know, why not bang her for a job? If my job consisted of fucking Joss Stone so I could make her lattes, you damn well better believe I would make that sacrifice.

March 30th, 1987 was the release of "Sign Of The Times" by Prince. On March 30th, 2007, I am going to listen to nothing but this album. Even "It's Gonna Be A Beautiful Night," which is weak. I will also allow B-Sides from the singles, one of which was "Shockadelica". Mmmmm, Camille. Oh, and probably "Alphabet St." I don't know why, I just dig that song.

The Cuts (Fridley Gunfire Edition)
"She Moves In Her Own Way" The Kooks
THE ENTIRE BOSTON S/T ALBUM
"Born To Run" Bruce Springsteen
Side one of Blind Faith S/T
"Wouldn't Get Far" The Game/Kanye West
"Southbound" Thin Lizzy

Movin' On Up Now, Out Of the Darkness

I'm leaving the cocoon that is Brooklyn Park finally on Thursday. I'm pushing and expanding my boundaries all the way to...Memphis? No, I'm not Mott The Hoople. I'm moving to the lovely city of Fridley. Yep, a whole 15 minutes from my current abode. Oh well, a move is a move. I'm trading in the ghetto trash for white trash. I am still not sure how that's going to play out, but we will see. Also, Chris and Rob's Chicago Style Eatery is going to be mere blocks from my new apartment. I can gorge on cheesy beef and Maxwell Street Polishes until my arteries cannot take it anymore.


The Cuts:
"Never Going Back Again" Fleetwood Mac
"I Want To Break Free" Queen
"Message In A Bottle" The Police
"Radiation Vibe" Fountains Of Wayne
"We Used To Vacation" Cold War Kids

Went To A Party Last Saturday Night, Didn't Get Laid, Got In A Fight. Uh Huh, It Ain't No Big Thang

As the above post notes, I indeed go to a party last Saturday night. It was fun. I ate Tater Tots and drank screwdrivers until 5AM. I also played many jams, one of which was "I Was Made For Lovin You" by KISS. Everyone hated on it, except for me and Jeff Hill. I refered to it as "kissco" which seemed to make everyone else mad.

I did notice that the same thing happened to me at this specific party that happens at nearly every party that I have been to in the last five years. Everyone else concentrates on getting laid or passes out, and I end up talking about random, weird bullshit with someone I don't know that well. I have never quite figured out why I do this. Anyways, I thought about a list of the best bullshit convos that I have had at parties...EVER

-The 1980s Boston Celtics (Especially the '86 team). The guy I discussed this with also randomly said he'd kill me after I brought up the parquet floor.

-The availibility of the Rolling Stones CD "Goats Head Soup." Both me and the gentleman I discussed this with owned it on vinyl, but had only seen it on CD once.

-German "Big Brother." The girl that I discussed this with denied ever having the conversation at a later date. I know it happened, mainly because we also discussed "The Immaculate Collection" by Madonna.

-Pistol Pete Maravich and the dissappearance of Tube Socks in the modern NBA- I nicknamed some dude "Pistol Pete", which lead to a two hour discussion on NBA history. I also deemed it possible that I could beat anyone in the WNBA at a game of one-on-one (as did every other guy in the conversation).

-The "Dawson's Creek" episode where Dawson's dad dies eating ice cream and singing "Drift Away". I was told that at some point in this conversation, I screamed "Did Dawson ever get to make his movie?"

-The Pearl Jam Ten Club. Specifically, how I only obtained one single, even though I have been a member for three years.

-The 1986 New York Giants. Specifically, how Mark Bavaro and L.T. were the shit.

I'm sure theres more, but I can't recall. Maybe I need to try to get a little booty next time, instead of dwelling on 80s sports teams and music? Naw, I'm good.

P-U-N-K In The USA (A Treatise On Punk Ideals)

AC/DC is punk as fuck. I know that some old school Black Flag fan just shat himself after reading that statement, but screw the old guard. I'm here to re-define the idea of what punk is.

So what is punk. I figure punk is sort of like art, you know what it is when you see it. Everyone says the Ramones are punk, and I concurr with those who call them punk. But Blondie? They were a disco band at most, a new wave act at the least. I think that the one tangible thing punk should have is attitude. It should have nothing to do with style of music. Therefore, the following are to be considered punk from now on:

Ice Cube up until 1995- Anyone who comes out with a song called "The Nigga You Love To Hate" is punk. More points for enciting riots. Ice Cube after 1995 is about as vanilla as they come, and is anti-punk.

Motley Crue's song "Live Wire"- I dig the Crue, but their later stuff falls in between Winger and Roxette in the punk category. "Live Wire" makes me want to blow shit up and punch someone at the SuperAmerica in the face for no reason. Therefore, punk.

AC/DC with Bon Scott- Good Ol'Bon wrote songs about fucking obese women and getting syphilis. No one else has done this before or since with such conviction.

David Lee Roth- I'm not exatcly sure why DLR is punk, but I sure as hell know he is. Maybe the assless chaps?

Rage Against the Machine- Tom Morello is a black communist who makes his guitar sound like a harmonica. Zach De La Rocha hates everything. The band climbs lighting fixtures to interrupt Fred Durst speeches. Punk as fuck!

Axl Rose- Sang songs about Nighttrain. Wore leather braclets. Covered Iggy and the Dead Boys. So punk it hurts.

Prince on "Dirty Mind"- The music is new wave, but the attitude is punk. He talks about fucking his sister in detail for no good reason whatsoever.

Joe Namath- B'way Joe really didn't give two shits about anyone from the old guard. He wore a floor length fur coat on the sideline, and he wore pantyhose on national television. Plus, he pulled off the second greatest upset in the history of sports.

John Lennon "Plastic Ono Band"- To this day, I have no idea why Capitol Records allowed this album to come out. Screaming, calling his fans "fucking pesants", missing his mommy, saying God is nothing but a concept, nuclear bombs dropping, a reference to either cocaine or the Cookie Monster in the middle of the most poppy song on the album. In most peoples minds, flags would have went up. For some reason this came out, and it made the world just a bit more real.

Public Enemy until 1995- 95 seemed to be the year that revolution was subdued by reality TV and family comedy films. Public Enemy was FUCKING SCARY to a ten year old white kid in 1992. Then came claymation "Give It Up" and "Flava Of Love" No, Boyee!

Slayer- Songs about Auschwitz played at breakneck speed are punk

Metallica's "Master of Puppets" Same with songs about heroin and mental illness.

That's all I got for now. Anyone else? I guess Rick James, even though he labeled himself as such. But I guess punk in the black community means gay, so the fact that one of the 20th centurys greatest cocksman called himself a funky gay dude is pretty punky.

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

The citizens of Brooklyn Park drive like a 5 year old mentally retarded boy named Toddy. I nearly got into three accidents today, and it took almost a half hour to get from my house to I-94. I can't believe how stupid people are. And to top it all off, I had to swerve to avoid a bumper in the middle of the enterance to Douglas Drive. It was like my little own personal Arc D'Triumpfe.

Another freaking homeless person/hooker in my driveway today. As I was getting ready to leave for work around 6, some dude came up to me and offered to shovel my driveway. I'm sure he didn't want any monetary compensation. Maybe he was trying to pay it forward or something. Brooklyn Park is starting to become North Minneapolis day by day.

Why do Minnesotans love mayonaise? I hate that shit to the Nth degree. One of the dudes in my "ad agency" for school (Four Guys, A Girl And An Ad Agency) pointed out how if you offer a Minnesotan a chili dog and a regular hot dog for the same price, they will choose the regular hot dog at least half of the time. Personally, I would eat the chili dog. I hate mild. I don't think I've even had mayo in about five years. That shit has the mouthfeel of Crisco and half the taste.

The Cuts!
"Start Choppin" Dinosuar Jr.
"Live Wire" Motley Crue
"Cold Gin (Live)" KISS
"Rawhide" Link Wray
"Ain't Nothin Ta Fuck Wit" Wu-Tang
"Kim The Waitress" Material Issue
"So Far Away" Dire Straits
"Smile" Lily Allen

Ooooh, I'm Lookin For Clues

Is there some artists that you always thought you hated? For me, it has always been the Doors. I fucking hate the Doors. I hate their entire concept, and most of their songs. "Love Her Madly" and that one song that Jay-Z samples are decent, but otherwise I think Jim Morrisson was a sham and a phony who put out hippie bullshit to seem intellegent. He also liked butt sex a lot, but that's neither here nor there. Anyways, the next paragraph will get to my point.

I was listening to the Muzak (called HearMusic) at work about a year ago, and I heard a song that sounded like the Strokes. I mean, I really thought that Julian Casablancas was preforming some solo material. I ran into the back to find out who in the holy hell sang the song. To my surprise, it was "Johnny and Mary" by ROBERT FUCKING PALMER!

Robert Palmer usually falls into my Doors category when thinking about popular music. I fucking cannot stand him. Sure, I sang "Addicted To Love" at my Uncle Ron's wedding when I was five, but I also played with Go-Bots. But "Johnny and Mary" struck some sort of chord with me. It took me nearly a year to find the song on any P2P service, and also that long to track down the album it came off of "Clues".

You know what? The album is fucking fantastic. It was released in 1980, but could have come out later in the decade. All the songs on it are both catchy and kind of alternativey. "Looking For Clues" is the absolute jam, along with "Johnny and Mary". "I Dream Of Wires" is pretty Thomas also. This hasn't made me go back and listen to "I Didn't Mean To Turn You On", but I may have to give some other early period Palm some shine.

Funny side note: I brought up to my mother that I bought this album over Thanksgiving dinner. She, and I quote, said "That album fucking sucks." I tried to explain that it wasn't the one with "Simply Irresistible" on it. She just said, "Oh, I know what album it is" and left it at that. My mom went to the Aveda hair school from 1979-81, so she's sort of familair with new wave/punk (her favorite song, all time, is "Allison" by Elvis Costello). I am just not sure why she hates a very obscure Robert Palmer album.

Do The Mario

Wow...Just Wow! There's so much awesome shit going on here.

Fur Peter Q.

I found "Songs of Leonard Cohen" at Half Price Books Northtown for two bucks yesterday. I enjoy it much more than "Songs of Love And Hate", which is the shit, but scares me to the core (especially "Diamonds In The Mine").

Best Of 2006 (Better Late Than Never Version)

I know this is about a month late, but hey, I beat both "Chinese Democracy" and "Detox." Here are my picks for best albums and songs of 2006.

Ghostface Killah- Fishscale
To start out, I was really leery of this disc. I didn't pick it up until December, and it had been out since April or May. I was leery because of all the cocaine talk. I wanted to hear Ghostface go off on rants about nonsense like coffee shops. I got past the coke talk, and vibed with Spongebob ridin the Bentley coupe at the bottom of the ocean.

Bob Dylan- Modern Times
Old man still has it. And now he gets all lecherous when talking about wanting Alicia Keys. But he also gets teary talkin about Nettie Moore. Rockin and breakin levees like Hurricaine Chuck Berry.

Panacea- Ink Is My Drink
I was really burnt out on hip-hop for a while in the fall. I kept seeing Chamillionaire and Lil' Jon talk nonsense on MTV hits. Then Panacea came out of left field sampling "Kung Fu Fighting" and lamenting over lost loves. The perfect chill out album.

My Chemical Romance- Welcome To The Black Parade
I'm going to get shit on for this one. Fuck off. I hate My Chemical Romance's image, and their lead singer looks like a bitchy little tool. But Welcome To The Black Parade roqqqqqs like Godzilla playing guitar with Mick Ronson. There's some balladry on there too. A nice suprise from a band I wasn't expecting shit from.

John Legend- Once Again
It's really nice to hear someone put out an R&B record that doesn't feature Chamillionaire, Rick Ross or one of the dudes from Three Six Mafia. The second album blues didn't strike Mr. Legend at all. Actually, Once Again is better than Get Lifted. If this came out in 1975, John Legend would have been on the cover of Time. But we'll have to settle for old school jams like "Save Room" and "Each Day Gets Better." I'm fine with that.

Lupe Fiasco-Food& Liquor
Another sign hip hop is really dead. A dorky MC can have his album produced by Kanye and the Neptunes and have his songs hyped by Jay-Z, yet still not cross over totally. "American Terrorist" makes you think, and "Daydreamin" tells you that your princess is in another castle. Also the best CD booklet/liner notes of the year, hands down.

The Killers-Sam's Town
Brandon Flowers is a twat. But he also burns down the highway skyline on the back of a hurricaine. That is good enough for me. I liked the first one, but Sam's Town is so majestic that I can't even listen to "Hot Fuss" objectively anymore. I'll feel your Bones, as long as you keep the trumpets blaring.

Arctic Monkeys- Whatever People Say I Am, I'm Not
Perfect blasts of dirty pop. It speaks to me, mainly because I've tried to get cabs and failed before. And I also hate fake ass scensters.

Dirty Pretty Things- Waterloo To Anywhere
So it was Carl Barat who was the brains behind the Libertines! Fuck Pete Horse Doehrty, this is the real deal. The dirty prettiness can be summed up with the line "I put gin in my milk to kill all the germs."

Pearl Jam- S/T
Thanks guys.

The Roots-Game Theory
It sucks that Jay-Z lied. He doesn't care about the Roots like Hewhowillnotbenamed doesn't care about black people. That still doesn't make "It Don't Feel Right" and "Baby" kick any less ass.

Red Hot Chili Peppers- Stadium Arcadium
Yeah, bitch about the two disc length. I'm amazed that they managed to put out two discs and only one clunker in the whole bunch (Hump de Bump makes me wanna kill). Pretty much everything I've ever liked about late period Peppers on two discs. John brings the soaring melody, Anthony brings the white boy funk, Flea brings the cock, and Chad brings the Ferrell.

Muse-Black Holes and Revelations
Epic, in a good way. Tender (on Starlight) and funky (on Supermassive Black Hole). Fuck the new Radiohead tag, these guys are the shit. They take what they want and make it their own.

TV On The Radio- Return to Cookie Mountain
This is a disc that one must experience aurally. Words can't really explain what this sounds like, other than fucking awesome. No way to categorize some straight up unique rock.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR:
The Hold Steady- Boys and Girls in America
Runners up last year, the Hold Steady saw my blog and were like, "Damn Jake! We'll put out a better album in 2006." And they did. Colored by local MPLS locale, characters that walk around and drink and bet the horses instead of compulsively fucking, and a sense of youth. The bar band instrumentation makes the songs seem that much more anthemic. And Craig Finn fucking shadowboxed at First Ave because he knew he was the heavyweight champ. You were right man, Northtown is bullshit. I still need to experience a Southtown girl for my damn self, though.

Songs Of The Year
SINGLE OF THE YEAR:
Crazy-Gnarls Barkley
I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said about this one. Oh wait! How in the fuck did this stall at #2 behind "Ridin'"?

Lazy Eye-Silversun Pickups
The best Smashing Pumpkins song never recorded by Corgan, Iha, et al.

Bad Day- Daniel Powter
Dude, you knew you'd be a one hit wonder from the get go. Way not to promote your shit. Way to have me singing it every time it comes on. Way to make me happy in Vegas everywhere I went with your Elton-lite.

Alien Ant Farm- San Sebastian
I love AAF. I always will. This song, in four minutes, confrims why. Soaring chorus, competent guitar riff, personal deep lyrics. Yes, I'll say it. AAF are underrated songwriters.

Teenagers-My Chemical Romance
You guys totally ripped off Bowie. Fuck, Bowie wishes he wrote this song in 1972, so he could play it for Mick and Angie and then have a threeway involving lotsa coke.

Wolf Like Me-TV On The Radio
Ever see that SNL skit where they put on deodorant and rip deer to shreds with their teeth? Yeah, thats the way that Wolf Like Me makes me feel.

Beck-Strange Apparition
Boogie from the king of white boy boogie. Ebbs and falls perfectly.

Pearl Jam-Unemployable
Isn't everybody "Scared of life." Shit, sums up 2006 up until November, when I cried tears of joy when we actually won and made Fox News look retarded.

Steady As She Goes- The Raconteurs
Pretty woman out walkin with gorillas down my street. Who cares if they ripped off Joe Jackson? At least they ripped off one of the greatest pop songs ever.

I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor- Arctic Monkeys
Don't Don't Don't Believe the Hype (Whooyeah). Still, on its own merits, a fucking perfect blast of energy that carries on the literate ways of The Jam and The Kinks.

Cheated Hearts-Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I didn't think I'd ever fall in love with another woman lead singer. I was wrong. This song encapsules pretty much everything that was awesome about 80s music.

Jackson-The Brakes
Drunk punk covers of Johnny Cash songs are always an interesting idea. Jacksons the second best (and I think only other) cover by a punk band of a Johnny Cash song. Social D will always hold the crown, but this ones pretty kick ass.

Lolita-Prince
He's BAAAAACK! Straight out of '81, a crazy mofo named TAFKAP. Morris really should have sang this one, though. And the lyrics are mature. I kinda like the JoHov Prince.

Shot Down- Nine Black Alps
GRUNGE LIVES!

GUILTY PLEASURE OF 2006
You're Beautiful- James Blunt
I don't know why, but this moves me in a good way. I played the shit out of this song like I was an obese 40 year old Oprah fan. I still can't figure out why. Mabye its the video, where Mr. Blunt either a) kills himself by jumping off a bridge or b) purifues himself in the waters of River Thames. Brilliant.

BOXSET/REISSUE OF 2006:
What It Is!- Rhino
Going in, I knew of maybe 10% of the artists on this box of deep funk and soul from the 60s and 70s. Lets just say my eyes were opened. Crazy crazy good.

You F#$% Like A Volcano

It has taken 24 years, but I finally discovered one of my biggest character flaws. I fall in love with women who really don't exist in the real world. I blame Liz Phair for this.

I walked by the TV today and good ol' Liz was on VH1 Classic singing "Never Said." The only thing that I could think of when I saw her was "Goddamn, Liz Phair is fucking sexy." I've been sexually attracted to Liz Phair since at least 1995, when I saw the "Supernova" video as a Buzz Clip. The thing is, I'm attracted to the IDEA of Liz Phair. I don't know her personally, and I've only read a handful of interviews with her. I'm attracted to the sexy guitar player who sings about fucking and or running and her man going like a volcano. I can't attain this due to the fact that I love an ideal. Kind of like women who want to marry John Cusack.

But Liz Phair is goddamn sexy.

On a totally unrelated note, Jimi Hendrix really looks like he's getting off on the cover of "Electric Ladyland." Unintentionally, I think that this makes that cover filthier than the British one with all the 60s pancake boobies on it.