Clearance Rack Cavalcade 4/30/09

There is a scene in the movie Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise's character asks Penelope Cruz if she would like to listen to Jeff Buckley or something else. She replies (and I am paraphrasing) "I want to listen to both at the same time."

This perfectly sums up how I feel about music. It sucks that I cannot listen to four or five songs at a time. I think this is why I frequent the cutout bin at HPB. I mean, I will buy ANYTHING in that CD bin. Once a week, I'm going to pick one of the cream of the crop (or the crap) and give a little write up of my impressions. And the first one I've chose is a doozy....

Jim Rome "Welcome To The Jungle"
You know the old saying about not turning away from a car crash? That was me when I purchased this. Jim Rome is one of the most annoying human beings walking today, and if there is any justice in this world, he, Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith will be locked in a cage for a deathmatch someday. But I digress.

From what I could glean from this atrocity, Rome (ever the egomaniac) took dialogue from his radio show and put songs by G n R, Kurtis Blow and the Crystal Method behind the rants. There is also a song about the 1996 Colorado Avalanche on the CD for some reason, and "Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio?" without Rome talking about Ramon Martinez over it. Honestly, I could only take about 30 seconds of each "song" before it was yanked out of the Focus. I mean, this thing was dated 20 seconds after it was released (I even heard a Tom Candiotti reference!).Who greenlit this shit?

I should give fair warning. If I ever make you a mix, there probably will be something from this CD on it.

Rating: -10/10

A Sunday, None More Lazy

Ahhh...absolutely nothing to do today. Accomplishing nothing, except listening to music and going to McDonald's for a snack wrap.

While eating one of those snack wraps, I flipped on MTV Hits. In between Lily Allen buying stuff and J-Timbo getting his ear licked by Ciara, I saw probably the most disjointed video ever. Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" confused me and left me with a strange, empty feeling (like if you saw your cousins making out in a closet on Christmas). Here is what I gleaned from the video:

-Lady Gaga may be into bestiality (she raises from a pool in a unitard with a disco ball on her face and cuddles with two huge fucking Great Danes)
-L.G. (as I will now refer to her) really likes gay guys. That is all that is chillin at her really creepy house party. She also enjoys kissing them
-Judging from her gay guy onscreen kiss, L.G. looks like she may be the best kisser ever

I don't know what any of this means, but it makes me wish for the days of Madonna fucking the ground in a wedding dress and the surrounding controversy from it. Because if L.G. passes for the status quo today, then we are all quite possibly fucked.

UPDATE: I just saw the "Just Dance" video. Much more of the same, except Akon is in an orgy, there is a hipster in a blazer and Charlotte Hornets Starter hat (and L.G. hooks up with him) and L.G. fucks a plastic Shamu in a kiddie pool. If someone can tell me what this all means, please do.

What A Pity, You Don't Understand

Today, while mindlessly surfing those internets, I came across a website that has complete Billboard charts from the past. Curious, I typed in my birthday...here is what came out:

http://www.umdmusic.com/default.asp?Lang=English&Chart=D&ChDay=11&ChMonth=12&ChYear=1982&ChBand=&ChSong=

I always knew Mickey was #1 the day I was born, but whats really interesting is the songs below the top 40. Zapp, Vanity 6, "Its Raining Men". Some really strange stuff down there.

Bordersline, Feel Like I'm Going To Lose My Mind

National Record Store Day, ah, what a funny little holiday that will be redundant in 10 years when all we have is Wal-Mart for the hicks to purchase their Kenny Chesney CDs and the latest web downloadable portal to purchase the new Britt-Britt comeback single.

But anyways, I went to my local Down In The Valley to purchase some of the vinyl that was being shilled as "today only." I didn't cop the My Morning Jacket and Black Kids 10" (didn't have em') but I did get the Flaming Lips/Black Keys split on aqua seafoam green. The Lips cover of Borderline is good in the way that most Lips covers is, it doesn't really play by the rules of the OG song but you can still recognize the good parts. And the Beefheart cover by the Black Keys just sounds like a Black Keys song, before Danger Mouse effed that all up.

After that, I got worked in tennis.

After THAT, I went on a Borders mini tour because they are selling off all their CDs for 50% off. Here's what I scored:
"Diana and Marvin"-Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
"RAM"-Paul McCartney
"Rocket To Russia"-Ramones
"Changing Horses"-Ben Kweller
"Stink"-The Replacements
"Truth"-Jeff Beck (with Rod Stewart singing lead)
Total spent: $32.

And there was plenty of stuff I had to put back. Probably shouldn't have dropped 32 bucks, but eating mac n'cheese for the next week will be worth it with all the new music I can listen to.

I Want To Soak Up The Sunkist

Great Easter weekend...I almost puked on my shoes Friday night after one to many Tied To The Bedposts (and a heady mix of allergy medication). Thankfully I only hit a random tree somewhere off of Emerson and 27th.

Saturday led to some hungover as hell practice and more drinking at night. One sweet side effect of the TTTBs and puking the night before was that I could down a 12 banger of Molson Canadian without repercussion this morning. Then, I went over to mommy and daddys to get my Easter basket. Thank you Zombie Jesus.

One thing I did notice this weekend that kind of pissed me off was that Sunkist changed their can style. I was rummaging through my friends fridge at 6 am trying to find anything to erase a serious case of cottonmouth, and I came across a Diet Sunkist. The can wasn't the familiar one I have known and loved since the 80s. To me, the Sunkist can represents all the fun and excitement of summers of my youth. I know its weird and corny, but its true. The new can killed a little bit of my childhood.

Think I'll Have Another Glass of Mexican Wine

I just spent the last five days down in Cancun, in the nicest resort I will ever set foot in (mainly because that shit was $800 bucks a night, and I will never be able to afford that ever). Gotta give a big thanks to Jeff for taking me down there.

Cancun overall was pretty much what I expected. Lots of hawkers, chain restaurants, and guys that all looked like George Lopez. The Cancun flea market absolutely sucked. I hate being pressured into doing anything, and tons of dudes getting in my face trying to sell me frat boy Corona shirts is not my scene. But I did manage to get two Cohibas, which will be enjoyed at a later date.

The resort, on the other hand, was not at all what I expected. In fact, it was much more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. All inclusive is fucking amazing. Nothing but top shelf booze, free room service and "infinity pools". First night there, I got shit faced on Jack Daniels, and preceded to eat my self stupid on sushi. Honestly, for someone who likes the hooch as much as me, having a FUCKING DISPENSER in your room that spits out Johnny Walker Black, Absolut, Bacardi and some sort of tequila is about as close to heaven as I ever hope to get. I regret that I didn't drain that sumbitch of its contents (I was too busy having the swim up bartender make me crazy tequila drinks).

The only real downside to the trip was the sunburn. And that I didn't get to eat a tripe burrito from some dude selling out of a Home Depot bucket.

Konvict, GAGA!

This is the realest thing I have said in a long time...

11:47pm Jake
GaGa reminds me of what a gay guy would find hot if he actually liked to fuck women

Don't ask me why I was discussing Lady GaGa on Facebook, only know the quote for its truth.

Oh, and MTV will be playing videos from 3AM to 9AM again starting Monday I guess. Hmmm...reality TV not so hot anymore?

Anyways, off to Cancun in a day. Still scared shitless about flying in a plane, but oh well. The things that we sacrifice for fun.

Day 'N" Nite

Spring means baseball/softball. I celebrated the first day of real Spring today by going out and smacking the ball around a bit. And I hit really well, I think it was the Jeff Bagwell knee bends between pitches that did it. Or it could have been the fact that I didn't jerk my head around like an epileptic when the ball came towards the plate. Anyways, good day, except I feel like I have sunburn on the back of my neck and facial region.

In other news, while I was on my marathon 21 hour workday Tuesday to Wednesday, I had to drive the company van to Wal-Mart at 4:30 in the morning. When I am up at such an ungodly hour, I like to tune into the radio, because the DJs don't have to play the playlist and usually just throw random shit on. That's when I heard "Day 'n' Nite" by Kid Cudi.

The song sounds like something that should have been on the "Party Zone" in 1992. All Acid House synth, a sorta siren, and some lyrics about a lonely stoner who frees his mind at night. And I enjoy it immensely. After researching this guy a little, it turns out hes a Kanye disciple., which figures, because this is the gayest gay club sounding song to get played on pop radio since "Move This" by Technotronic. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Pea-Tear, Griffin

Family Guy just had a three minute Conway Twitty performance spliced into the middle of tonight's episode (with no reasoning whatsoever). Wow, how lazy can one writing staff be?

To think, I used to look forward to Family Guy. But in the last two seasons, the show has gone to such absolute shit that it is impossible to watch.

Fashion Shoots With Beck and Hanson

So me and a co-worker got to talking about "Midnite Vultures" today, and I realized I haven't listened to that album all the way through in like three years (this is what happens when you own 2000 discs). So I got to listening, and I forgot about how much it kicks ass. I also forgot that "Beautiful Way" was on there (I thought for sure it was on "Mutations"). Listening also made me realize that Beck was probably listening to A LOT of Kool Keith at the time, because "Hollywood Freaks" sounds like a PG rated cut off of "Dr. Octagonecologyst".

"Midnite Vultures" makes me long for the days of yore, where Beck may have been the biggest pop star in the land. I mean, when "Odelay" came out, everyone had to own it, all four of the singles ("Where It's At", "Devils Haircut", "The New Pollution" and "Jack-Ass") were on MTV and alt rock radio (which was the top 40 of the day) constantly. The "Where Its At" video was for sure the what the fuck moment from the album, the moment you knew it was going to be huge. For me, the cuts were "The New Pollution" and "Lord Only Knows". It was like listening to the radio in 1966 if the aliens had invaded. Hopefully, some day there will be an artist to come out of nowhere and shake up the game like that again.

An Ode To A Dorito

Snack chips are like women. Some stay around for years and you don't appreciate them (Nacho Cheese Doritos), some you have when you are young, but then they disappear (those Pizza chips that Keebler made), and leave you wistful and longing. And some knock you on your ass, take control of your being and make you want them worse than anything else.

I had a chip tonight that knocked my socks off. Doritos released a "Midnight" line of chips that come in two flavors: Jalapeno Popper and Late Night Taco. I chose the Jalapeno Popper ones, and I am glad I did. Just the right amount of spice, just the right amount of tang. A great lingering flavor. Too bad they probably won't be around for very long.

Crunchy Granola Suite

The Atomic Punks are dead, long live the Atomic Punks.

Maybe it was the venue that caused my disdain for the Atomic Punks show on Saturday (Pickle Park is like an Applebees with a stage, I almost got into a fight in the Men's room with a hilljack who looked like he had AIDS) but I think it was the new lead singer. Cover bands are supposed to rock and be a rollicking good time. Especially VH cover bands. Last nights show was workmanlike and boring.

E.L.nO, on the other hand, owned Lees Liquor Lounge on Friday night with their between song banter, their Jeff Lynne wigs, and of course, their dead on Electric Light Orchestra covers. The crowd was feeling it, I was feeling it, and the band was feeling it above all else. The Jeff Lynnes know that the audience is in on the joke, unlike the Punks, who played it like they WERE Van Halen.

In other news, after coming home drunk as all getup off of shitty Miller Light and Raspberry Commies, I had a dream that I visited "the granola capital of the U.S" which was located in the region between Buffalo and Toronto. Why the US capital of granola was partly in Canada, I will never know. What the dream means, I will never know. All I know is I need to have more insane dreams like this after seeing once great cover bands. They are sort of life-affirming.

Crime of the Century

I took a shot at recorded music this evening. It only winged the LP and the CD in the arm (merely a flesh wound!) but still a wound nonetheless.

I bought a whole album off iTunes.

I justify the attack by stating that I only paid $7.99 for the music, and it costs almost $50 online from Amazon or Half. I also justify it by saying its the first Stevie Wonder album before his GOAT run of Music of My Mind, Innervisions, Talking Book, Fufillingness First Finale and Songs In The Key of Life. And Where I'm coming from delivers. Its less experimental than any of the above, and it is more "pop" than the others. Lots of orchestra, and one of my top 5 Stevie songs (If You Really Love Me).

Still, I may keep this practice to a minimum because there is nothing physical about it. Its like having sex with a drum machine, to quote Beck. All fun while its happening, but somehow cold and not cool afterwards.

News of the World

The world has been turned upside down...just today we get the news that Vern Gagne got into a fight at an assisted living home with another old timer and the guy eventually died and that some scraggly woman in Connecticut used to get her killer chimp drunk on wine before cuddling him.

And the economy is in the crapper, we have only one Senator, and almost a trillion dollars in funding was committed to the economy. But we can't cover that, because there's killer ex-wrestlers and killer Anthropomorphic Chimps on the loose. Oh, and Flo Rida has another #1 song, which samples a big hit from a transvestite pirate that was big a quarter century ago. You spin me right round indeed.

Life Is The Rock, But The Radio Rolled Me

God damn, I am sick of this seasonal purgatory that is February. The weather around here is what I imagine living in London or Seattle is like, without the good music.

So in honor of this Lazy Sunday (not the SNL short, the Small Faces song) I am doing fuck-all. I dropped 60 bucks at Cub on nonsense, and now I'm contemplating going to the gym while watching The Rock (which is one of the most underrated action movies of the 1990s).

There is a line in the DVD version of the movie where Sean Connery says something like "Losers always say they can do, and winners go home and fuck the prom queen". On basic cable, the line becomes DATE the prom queen. That just sounds ridiculous. I mean, how hard would have it been to say something like "screw" or "lay" the prom queen. I think I found myself a new career, writing more realistic censored lines for re-broadcasts of movies.

Inside Out, Oh Whoa, Inside Out

POST 501! Holy shit, I'm good like Kanye (without the gay overtones...well, with less of them anyways).

In non self congratulatory news, I bought a bunch of CDs today. Actually, I bought seven CDs today. I paid a whopping seven dollars for them because I am willing to dig through a bunch of crap to buy a bunch of mediocre gems. Here is the breakdown (and my justification for buying the discs, because of my goddamn Catholic guilt).

Billy Corgan- The Future Embrace
I bought this because the Smashing Pumpkins kicked ass from 1992-1997. Then, they were....eh. But I love the whine of Mista Corgan, and I actually didn't mind the Zwan disc. (Note: I actually listened to this one tonight. Not bad, not good, a horrendous cover of "To Love Somebody". Worth about 94 cents).

Phil Collins- Face Value
I bought this disc because it fucking rules! Mainly for "Inside Out" but all the songs are kick ass. I love chillin out to soulful white brothas when I chill in my rambler with a bottle of Becks. Phil fits the bill.

Bruce Springsteen- Devils and Dust
Bought this because its the Boss. And I guarantee there is at least five good songs on it that I will want on my iPod. Twenty cents a song ain't bad at all, even though its on that lame ass DualDisc format that failed miserably.

The Afghan Whigs- What Jail Is Like (EP)
Eight song EP for a band I always wanted more music from

Carolina Liar- Coming To Terms
For those who remember, "I'm Not Over" made my songs of 2008. If the CD only has a cheesy alt pop gem other than that song, then I will be justified like my main man Timberlake.

R.E.M.-Murmur
I only had this on vinyl, and it completes my R.E.M. CD collection (with the exception of "Dead Letter Office" which I also have on LP). Great fucking album and a steal for a buck.

Afghan Whigs-Black Love
"Gentlemen" was a great song and a pretty good album, so I figured the follow up would be an equal blend of soul and grunge.(Note: I listened to this in the car on the way to Old Chi tonight. It is a pretty good CD, but it meanders a bit on the first listen. Worth about 88 cents so far).

Jesus Of Cool

Over the last ten minutes I have come to a few realizations...

Realization #1-Depressants are 100 times better than stimulants. This realization was brought on by the fact that I pounded out two 24 oz coffees at Dunn Bros and I feel like I could fight a bear. If coffee does this kind of shit to me, I can't even imagine what I would be like if I chose to experiment with coke or meth.

Realization #2-The Bay City Rollers are the most underrated band of all time. I just bought the re-release of Nick Lowes "Jesus Of Cool" and it includes his song "Rollers Show" (which could be tongue in cheek, but I'm not sure). Plus, The Ramones thought they were going to be the second coming of the Rollers, but couldn't pull it off. Anyways, this could be the 48 oz of coffee talking, but now it feels so right.

Realization #3-The NE Palace may be the best bar in Nordeast. I have been there a handful of times now, and every time has been better than the last. Friday featured the gang killing karaoke left and right, me getting zanked out of my skull on NE Punch and PBRs, and people handing me random drinks while I did the running man. Seriously, the Palace is competing with the Pub circa 2003 as the best bar ever.

Super Stoopid

The game yesterday was quite fantastic. Didn't go in rooting for anyone, but had a slight bent towards the Cardinals half way through (I like Larry Fitz, local boy and all). L. Fitz Jr didn't disappoint, but his team did in the long run. By the end, I was looking for some fresh meat, and of course, the meat was familiar.

Feeling slightly amiss with a Steelers victory, I looked up what teams had won a single Super Bowl. There aren't many. In fact, they can almost fit on one hand.

In order...Jets, Chiefs, Bears, Rams, Ravens, Bucaneers.

All the other teams that have won the big dance have taken the game multiple times. Still, the parity in the NFL is better than MLB, where the following one and dones happened:

Royals, D-Backs, Angels

Granted, baseball has a longer history, but even throwing in drought riddled teams like the 2005 White Sox and the 1995 Braves doesn't match the distribution of wealth in football. So, what it boils down to is that hope truly doesn't spring eternal in baseball, but on (almost) any given Sunday, one team of 60 men can beat another team of 60 men for a trophy named Lombardi.

Best of 2009 (WAY Better Late Than Never Edition)

It took a long time to write this, mainly because I was busy, but also because 2008 was one of the worst years in popular music ever. Seriously, would anyone even give a shit about Britney Spears 15 years ago? She would have been Paula Abdul, big on the radio but no one else would give a fuck. Anyways, heres hoping for a better 2009.

Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend
I hate hype as much as the next guy, so I went into this disc more scared than that chick in “The Blair Witch Project“. The cover of Spin before an album even comes out…come on! I guess Chuck D was wrong thing time, and the album delivers. VW somehow succeeds in mashing up the best parts of New Wave energy with an African beat and making pure pop like “A-Punk” and “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance.”

Kings Of Leon- “Only By The Night”
We continue our story where the four kinsman set out to claim their homeland with epics about sex on fire girls who rock R&B tunes and like to be used. Would it shock you if I told you that the boys DID actually conquer (album hits #4, “Sex On Fire” hits #1 Modern Rock)? KOL always had the skuzzy rock thing down, but by making an album full of slow burning rockers, they morph into the monster rock band that was always lurking.

The Roots-”Rising Down”
Dark, political, questioning pretty much everything that has happened from 9/11 on, “Rising Down” is also catchy as hell at points. Jams like “Get Busy”, “I Can’t Help It” and “I Will Not Apologize” deserved to be bigger hits, but the pop audience doesn’t want to hear about African Genocide even if it is rapped in a funky little sonic wrapper. Overhyped Weezy has to declare “Motherfucker I’m ill” but this is an unspoken truth for Black Thought and the rest of the crew.

The Gaslight Anthem- “The ‘59 Sound”
Sometimes wearing your influences on your sleeve is a good thing. These gutter rats from Bruce’s neighborhood made the best Jersey album (and maybe the only Jersey album) since “Born To Run” by telling stories about young friends passing on and rough boys with sailor tattoos. Some may claim rip off, but it feels authentic and life affirming at once.

Little Joy- Little Joy
A summertime mashup of 60s pop, garage rock and Brazil that had the misfortune of coming out in the fall, when all that was cold and the grills weren’t cooking. Who would have thought songs so light and catchy as “Brand New Start” would have come from a dude who used to date Drew Barrymore?

The Hold Steady-”Stay Positive”
In which our hero, a hometown lad from Cakeeaterville, decides to quit writing about Gideon, Charlemagne, and Holly and starts writing about other nameless characters. Everything meshes oh so well, and “Lord I’m Discouraged” stings harder than any power ballad has in years. But then, the lad tells us to “Stay Positive” and dammit, I will.

Singles:
“Electric Feel” MGMT
This song takes some of the best things from the past 25 years (“Running Up That Hill” by Kate Bush, day-glo, the term “baby girl”, falsetto vocals sung by fey boys) and puts that shit in a blender set to Frappe. The result is as awesome as an Orange Julius when they could still throw the raw egg in.

“My Drive Thru” Santogold, Julian Casablancas and Pharrell
One should turn off the radio when they hear that a song was commissioned for shoes (Chucks in this case). But one washed up artist (Pharrell) one MIA (Mr Stroke) and one hype princess (Santogold) make a mash up jam that sounds like summer and could make a dead man shake it like Ben Stiller.

“I’m Not Over” Carolina Liar
To paraphrase Goat Boy, “Hey, remember the 90s?” That was a magical era in rock radio when one trick ponies could throw out that one big radio song and then disappear (see Possum Dixon “Watch The Girl Destroy Me“, The Nixons “Sister” and Tripping Daisy “I’ve Got A Girl” for examples). Well, Carolina Liar did just that this year, putting out a glimmering pop song about a girl they aren’t over “just yet.”

“Sex On Fire” Kings Of Leon
All churning and wanting and fiery fucking, this is finally the radio hit the true believers knew that KOL would write.

“Highly Suspicious” My Morning Jacket
Where the hell did this come from? Hairy southern rockers get all Symbolina on our collective ass, and drop the choicest funk since god knows when. Peanut butter pudding surprise, indeed.

Reissue of the Year:
“Pacific Ocean Blue (Legacy Edition)” Dennis Wilson
When one thinks of music in California in the 70s, one tends to dwell on the excesses of Fleetwood Mac and the Eagles. Dennis Wilson was all about excesses in life, but his music was tender and pure and not full of those demons. Dreamlike at times, always beautiful, it puts the former Beach Boy in the same category as his brother Brian: genius.

Video of the Year:
Erykah Badu “Honey”
Previous Badu videos don’t really stick out in my mental video library. “On and On” may have been a Levis commercial. “Tyrone” was live. And there may have been one with Common where he wore a crocheted sweater. But the “Honey” video rocks, with the setting being a local record store and Badu taking the place on such classic album sleeves as “Maggot Brain” “Three Feet High and Rising” and “Let It Be.” And the song grew on me too.

Little BHO

I managed to sneak watching the swearing in today at work. I got a little choked up knowing that my boy won't be in office ever again. I mean, what will he do without a country to ruin? Sit on his ranch in Crawford and watch the Rangers I assume. Too bad daddy is an Astros fan, could spend some quality time with the old man before he croaks. How old is Ol' 1,000-Points-of-Light anyway?

In other, non world changing once in a lifetime news, today I got cut off in line at Target by some bitch who forgot shampoo. Her son was waiting by her goods and I was next in line. The stupid broad cut me off, and in the process, appalled her son. "There's people in line!" the kid said with embarrassment. To which his walking birth canal said "People my ass." Made me feel pretty fucking shitty...

But, I cheered up immediately when I overheard an older guy at the gym, in the middle of a conversation about glow in the dark golf balls, say the following:

"Oh yah, ya know my son-in-law Tyrone is playing in da Super Bowl in ah coupla weeks. He plays for da Pittsburgh Steelers. Tyrone Carter, went to da U."

For as much shit as I talk about this state, its things like that that keep me here. How fucking unassuming can you be to just off hand mention that your relative IS PLAYING IN THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL!!!!! If one of my relatives ever accomplished something like, oh, say PLAYING IN THE SUPER BOWL I would be wearing a shirt screaming about it. Ah, good old fashioned Minn-E-SOH-Tans.