Michael Jackson

This has got to be the strangest celeb death ever...which is fitting, because it happened to the most off the wall celeb of them all.

Michael Jackson dying is like Disneyland or McDonalds dying. This may sound crass, but its not meant to be. Michael Jackson was a cultural institution, for both good and bad reasons. Good because he produced some of the greatest R&B tracks of all time, and bad because he allegedly abused children and could not get his personal house in order (and the news media ate that up). And, truthfully, so did I. One of my favorite memories is getting absolutely hammered in Cody Stevens basement and watching "Living With Michael Jackson" on VHS to see the shit show that his life had become.

I think the real reason people are reacting to this so fervently is because it is a sort of sendoff of childhood for people in my age group. He was THE dominant pop culture force during the 80s and early 90s, a touchstone for my generation. Also, I think the music took a back seat to the creepier aspects of his personality over the last 15 or so years, and people are realizing how innovative some of those songs were. Even the drivel from the early days ("The Girl Is Mine", "Girlfriend", "Dirty Diana") kicks a lot of the other pop music of the times ass.


So in honor of the musical side of the biggest pop star of my lifetime, I'm going to do a rundown of my top 10 MJ songs, both solo and with the Jackson 5 (whom people tend to forget when discussing his career, but were really one of the best bands of the early 70s. Their first three albums...fire):

10."The Way You Make Me Feel"
9."The Love You Save"
8."Girlfriend"
7. "One More Chance"
6."Rock With You"
5."The Girl Is Mine"
4."I Want You Back"
3. "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)"
2."Don't Stop Til You Get Enough"
1."Billie Jean"

And there are so many others from that time period...the original version of "State of Shock" with Freddie Mercury instead of Mick Jagger springs to mind. Too bad his last good music came out in 1991...still, I always felt he had one great song left in him. I guess the world will never know now.

Fox-y Lady? aka A Treatise on Megan Fox

So I got called "a gay" today for not finding Megan Fox attractive. This isn't the first time either.

I don't know what it is, this chick just doesn't do it for me. I think there are a few factors that lead to my un-attraction to what seems to be the Hollywood "I'd fuck that" it girl of the last year and a half. I will detail those factors for you now.

1) Her face - Ol' Foxy Fox's mug just doesn't do it for me. She has a permanent scowl in most pictures I have seen, and there is some weird Joan Crawford shit going on with those eyebrows of hers. And, to top it all off, her eyes are oddly spaced.

2) Her brain - Once, I heard that she likes to fart. Then, I read that her Transformers clothes smelled "like farts". Clearly, something is wrong with this broad. Nothing disgusts me more than women talking about bodily functions. NOTHING! Don't get me wrong, I love a chick who thinks like a man in certain aspects, but not about farting. God, no.

3)Her "talent" - What has she been in? Transformers? Thats it, right? Oh, and Maxim. Seeing as how I never saw the first Transformers(but, admittedly, thought it LOOKED cool) maybe I missed out on the sex appeal. But still, show me something else. Maybe a cute little romantic comedy I watch on the sly without my boys knowing, or a drama where you go to Africa like DSL Angelina Jolie.

Maybe its me, I don't know. I mean, I find certain celebs attractive (I won the "you just don't like her because we all like her" argument at work because I detailed what I would do to Jessica Biel) but just not this little cookie of love.

I'll Be Your Natural Selection

So whilst watching Sports Center tonight (its come down to Sports Center and more Sports Center as the only thing I can watch on TV) I saw a commercial for Natural Light. Ah yes, Natty Light...the beer every poor kid drank in college. Except for my crew, who was more discerning, and drank Old Style, Grain Belt, and Pabst if we wanted to do it on the cheap.

The thing that struck me about seeing a Natural Light ad was that I had never seen one before. Without any advertising, one of the shittiest beers brewed by the shittiest brewery (Anheuser-Busch) is the #6 selling beer in the U.S.A. Natty Light is the equavalent of Nickelback...no one admits to liking it, girls go "whooo" in its presence, and its really popular with frat boys.

Personally, I never have even considered buying that shit...except for the time I saw a 30 banger of it in Chicago for $8.99. That would come out to 30 cents a can! Actually, I think the only time I actively consumed the Natty was when I played flippy cup at a house party in Bloomington where I knew nobody. That one time was enough for me, 30 cents per 12 oz or no 30 cents per 12 oz.

Chicago Day 2

Day two started off with a train ride down to Wrigleyville. We didn't have tickets to the game, so a group decision was made to go bar hopping. The area was PACKED with Twins fans, Saturday being better than Friday by probably about 70/30. Cubs fans weren't as jovial as the previous day, giving us a lot of shit about coming into their territory and giving off a overall kind of defeated vibe (not that the defeated vibe is anything new for a Cubbies fan).

After the Twins sealed the deal, we went to a newish bar that had $2 Old Styles. That's when the fun began. A group of about 15 Minnesotans, mainly dudes,were having a dance off in the corner We stayed there for about 2 hours, and stumbled out into the streets to drunkenly take pictures and rabble rouse with other Twins fans (and strangely enough, one really depressed Washington Nationals fan). Then we hopped a train downtown.

The train was nothing but drunk Twins fans chanting some awesome nonsense. A few chant examples were "Frank The Tank" and "KFC." The dude who was presumably Frank The Tank tried to use my brothers girlfriends rack as a hand rail, and also missed his stop. Yet, no one seemed too annoyed with the Tank's shenanigans.

Drunk as all getup, we ambled about downtown, where a man's car from Ontario had broke down. Instead of thinking that (the logical choice), we all assumed that he was Ghostriding the Whip down State Street. So we chanted "Ghostride the Whip" at him instead of making any effort to help. I stand firm that this was the right decision...

After we sort of kind of sobered up, we had a less than good meal at Rock Bottom Brewery. Then, it was time for home, where some of the party tried to keep the hotel pool open past 10PM, to no avail.

Chicago Day 1

So the day started off at 2am, with the drive down. Fortunately, no one fell asleep at the wheel and we arrived in the Windy City around 10am.

Immediaiately after checking in, we hopped on a train to Wrigley. It was my third time in the Friendly Confines so I kind of knew what to expect...lots of well behaved Cubs fans and a relaxed atmosphere. What I didn't expect was the swarm of Twins fans. I would say probably 60 percent of the crowd was pro-Twin. And when Joe Mauer went yard, the place got loud. Like Dome loud.

After the game, Wrigleyville was so packed with Twins supporters it was hard to move. So we took a train back to the suburbs and went for some Giordanos. As always, the combonation of cheese, tomatos and flaky pie crust put me in heaven.

Because no one had slept in nearly 36 hours, we decided to just go pick up some beer at 7-Eleven and call it a night. Saving all our downtown energies for tonight was the plan

Take A Letter, Maria

Sorry about the lack of posts lately, I just haven't really been in the mood to write. My grandmother passed away last Friday morning and I haven't really been up to the challenge of slinging together a good rant, a music review, or a softball story.

I'm going to start fresh this weekend...I'm going to Chi-City for Cubs-Twins at Wrigley and I will be dragging along the Laptop for another running Chicago daily journal. So get prepared for stories involving Old Style, pizza, and brahskis...not in that order hopefully.

Top 6 Cover Songs by Pussy Sounding Bands

Any cock rocking stud with a mullet can rock the house with a cover...but it takes a special breed of emo sounding twerp to make something as good as the following six reworkings. In no particular order, here are the six best cover songs done by bands whose ass you could probably kick.

Want-Lagwagon (originally by Jawbreaker)
The quintessential emo jam, with a chorus of “I want you, I want you” sung ad infinum. The original is a bit garbled due to poor recording and Jawbreaker’s lead singer sounding like he gargled glass. Lagwagon sweetens the deal a bit, and the result is sublime romantic longing.

On With The Show-Get Up Kids (originally by Motley Crue)
A cautionary tale about being bad, never good and getting murdered with a switchblade…but still having to go on with the show. Not only was this covered by the Get Up Kids, it was also covered by the even pussier MXPX on their covers album in the late 1990s. Strangely, Vince Neil’s vocals and the Get Up Kids vocals are almost the same.

Game Of Pricks-Jimmy Eat World(originally by Guided by Voices)
One of the best rock songs of the 1990s gets re-did by Jim Adkins and company. Clocking in at around two minutes, its dark lyrics are lost all in the bounce of the music.

Somebody’s Baby-Phantom Planet (originally by Jackson Browne)
Here’s the deal with covers (at least for me): I like em almost the same as the original (probably one of the reasons I think Cat Power kind of sucks). “Somebody’s Baby” is a stellar chunk of American cheese by a guy who did much better work (see his self titled disc or “Running on Empty”). The chamelions in the Planet don’t try to re-invent the wheel, and that is why this cover clicks.

Boyz In The Hood-Dynamite Hack (originally by Easy-E)
Where the fuck did these guys go? This slice of white boy prep via Compton candy is why we all bought the album. Then, after finding out these guys sounded kind of like Weezer on both downers AND speed at various points, it was love. Then, nothing else. Sure they were a novelty band, but they coulda been contenders

A Little Respect-Wheatus (originally by Erasure)
Either you hate this song or love it (if you have ever even heard it). A man with the whiniest, most nasal voice ever in pop music covers a song by one of the most gay friendly pop groups of the 80s (Erasure released an ABBA EP, for chrissakes). Personally, I love it. And so did the UK (where it hit top 5 in 2000).

Cabin Parade II: Still Cabinin'

Memorial Day 2K9 was quite the festivius. Some of the highlights:

-Playing Scruples with a bunch of 15 year olds
-Buying 9 LPs (including one autographed by Eddie Money!) for 33 cents each at the Wright County Swap Meet
-Going into a townie bar in Kimball with 200 bikers on their way to a memorial ride. THEN being told by our waitress "I'm gonna give you a minute, and hopefully you'll be ready by the time I get back" in a very unfriendly tone
-Playing lawn darts in the dark and somehow hitting a bulls eye
-Getting my head shaved

But now I am snapped back to reality with work and such. And I will probably never find an Eddie Money album for 33 cents (let alone an autographed album) ever again.

Ben Utecht...Really?

So I was browsing what was new on iTunes because I don't want to tempt my bank account with sexy CD shopping at a brick and mortar...and I came across former U of M great Ben Utecht's new self titled CD. This has got to be the most out of left field (or maybe out of left end?) CD released by a pro athlete ever. We are all accustomed to NBA player releasing discs (remember K.O.B.E I L.O.V.E U and Ron "Bitches don't give a shit about my wifey" Artest almost came to blows last night in the playoffs!) but this has got to be the first CD by a tight end ever.

The only other NFL player that pops to mind is Mike Reid, an all pro lineman with the Bengals in the 70s who wrote "I Can't Make You Love Me." And, of course, Samurai Mike, The Punky QB Known as McMahon, and Sweetness...

Clearance Rack Cavalcade 5/5/09

This time for the CRC, I think I will actually speak on a CD I purchased because I wanted to hear it...

"Stubbs The Zombie: The Soundtrack"

The great thing about the clearance rack at ANY record store is that you can find that elusive CD you were going to pick up on Amazon a few weeks prior, but just didn't because you spent too much money at the Palace or on truffle fries. Anyways, this happened to me with this soundtrack to an XBOX game I have never even heard of.

"Stubbs The Zombie" features the creme de la creme of indie music covering 50s and early 60s songs. You get Ben Kweller doing "Lollipop," The Ravonettes doing "My Boyfriends Back" and The Walkmen doing "There Goes My Baby." Very good stuff, especially Death Cab For Cutie's "Earth Angel" (the most earnest song ever sung by the most earnest group ever) and Cake covering "Strangers in the Night" (John McCrea would kill his mom to be a lounge singer and they even sang a song called "Frank Sinatra"). The only song that drags is Flaming Lips doing "If I Only Had A Brain," which feels sort of out of place. Anyways, a great little 2 dollar treasure that I would have paid at least 7 dollars for.

Verdict: 8/10

Clearance Rack Cavalcade 4/30/09

There is a scene in the movie Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise's character asks Penelope Cruz if she would like to listen to Jeff Buckley or something else. She replies (and I am paraphrasing) "I want to listen to both at the same time."

This perfectly sums up how I feel about music. It sucks that I cannot listen to four or five songs at a time. I think this is why I frequent the cutout bin at HPB. I mean, I will buy ANYTHING in that CD bin. Once a week, I'm going to pick one of the cream of the crop (or the crap) and give a little write up of my impressions. And the first one I've chose is a doozy....

Jim Rome "Welcome To The Jungle"
You know the old saying about not turning away from a car crash? That was me when I purchased this. Jim Rome is one of the most annoying human beings walking today, and if there is any justice in this world, he, Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith will be locked in a cage for a deathmatch someday. But I digress.

From what I could glean from this atrocity, Rome (ever the egomaniac) took dialogue from his radio show and put songs by G n R, Kurtis Blow and the Crystal Method behind the rants. There is also a song about the 1996 Colorado Avalanche on the CD for some reason, and "Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio?" without Rome talking about Ramon Martinez over it. Honestly, I could only take about 30 seconds of each "song" before it was yanked out of the Focus. I mean, this thing was dated 20 seconds after it was released (I even heard a Tom Candiotti reference!).Who greenlit this shit?

I should give fair warning. If I ever make you a mix, there probably will be something from this CD on it.

Rating: -10/10

A Sunday, None More Lazy

Ahhh...absolutely nothing to do today. Accomplishing nothing, except listening to music and going to McDonald's for a snack wrap.

While eating one of those snack wraps, I flipped on MTV Hits. In between Lily Allen buying stuff and J-Timbo getting his ear licked by Ciara, I saw probably the most disjointed video ever. Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" confused me and left me with a strange, empty feeling (like if you saw your cousins making out in a closet on Christmas). Here is what I gleaned from the video:

-Lady Gaga may be into bestiality (she raises from a pool in a unitard with a disco ball on her face and cuddles with two huge fucking Great Danes)
-L.G. (as I will now refer to her) really likes gay guys. That is all that is chillin at her really creepy house party. She also enjoys kissing them
-Judging from her gay guy onscreen kiss, L.G. looks like she may be the best kisser ever

I don't know what any of this means, but it makes me wish for the days of Madonna fucking the ground in a wedding dress and the surrounding controversy from it. Because if L.G. passes for the status quo today, then we are all quite possibly fucked.

UPDATE: I just saw the "Just Dance" video. Much more of the same, except Akon is in an orgy, there is a hipster in a blazer and Charlotte Hornets Starter hat (and L.G. hooks up with him) and L.G. fucks a plastic Shamu in a kiddie pool. If someone can tell me what this all means, please do.

What A Pity, You Don't Understand

Today, while mindlessly surfing those internets, I came across a website that has complete Billboard charts from the past. Curious, I typed in my birthday...here is what came out:

http://www.umdmusic.com/default.asp?Lang=English&Chart=D&ChDay=11&ChMonth=12&ChYear=1982&ChBand=&ChSong=

I always knew Mickey was #1 the day I was born, but whats really interesting is the songs below the top 40. Zapp, Vanity 6, "Its Raining Men". Some really strange stuff down there.

Bordersline, Feel Like I'm Going To Lose My Mind

National Record Store Day, ah, what a funny little holiday that will be redundant in 10 years when all we have is Wal-Mart for the hicks to purchase their Kenny Chesney CDs and the latest web downloadable portal to purchase the new Britt-Britt comeback single.

But anyways, I went to my local Down In The Valley to purchase some of the vinyl that was being shilled as "today only." I didn't cop the My Morning Jacket and Black Kids 10" (didn't have em') but I did get the Flaming Lips/Black Keys split on aqua seafoam green. The Lips cover of Borderline is good in the way that most Lips covers is, it doesn't really play by the rules of the OG song but you can still recognize the good parts. And the Beefheart cover by the Black Keys just sounds like a Black Keys song, before Danger Mouse effed that all up.

After that, I got worked in tennis.

After THAT, I went on a Borders mini tour because they are selling off all their CDs for 50% off. Here's what I scored:
"Diana and Marvin"-Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye
"RAM"-Paul McCartney
"Rocket To Russia"-Ramones
"Changing Horses"-Ben Kweller
"Stink"-The Replacements
"Truth"-Jeff Beck (with Rod Stewart singing lead)
Total spent: $32.

And there was plenty of stuff I had to put back. Probably shouldn't have dropped 32 bucks, but eating mac n'cheese for the next week will be worth it with all the new music I can listen to.

I Want To Soak Up The Sunkist

Great Easter weekend...I almost puked on my shoes Friday night after one to many Tied To The Bedposts (and a heady mix of allergy medication). Thankfully I only hit a random tree somewhere off of Emerson and 27th.

Saturday led to some hungover as hell practice and more drinking at night. One sweet side effect of the TTTBs and puking the night before was that I could down a 12 banger of Molson Canadian without repercussion this morning. Then, I went over to mommy and daddys to get my Easter basket. Thank you Zombie Jesus.

One thing I did notice this weekend that kind of pissed me off was that Sunkist changed their can style. I was rummaging through my friends fridge at 6 am trying to find anything to erase a serious case of cottonmouth, and I came across a Diet Sunkist. The can wasn't the familiar one I have known and loved since the 80s. To me, the Sunkist can represents all the fun and excitement of summers of my youth. I know its weird and corny, but its true. The new can killed a little bit of my childhood.

Think I'll Have Another Glass of Mexican Wine

I just spent the last five days down in Cancun, in the nicest resort I will ever set foot in (mainly because that shit was $800 bucks a night, and I will never be able to afford that ever). Gotta give a big thanks to Jeff for taking me down there.

Cancun overall was pretty much what I expected. Lots of hawkers, chain restaurants, and guys that all looked like George Lopez. The Cancun flea market absolutely sucked. I hate being pressured into doing anything, and tons of dudes getting in my face trying to sell me frat boy Corona shirts is not my scene. But I did manage to get two Cohibas, which will be enjoyed at a later date.

The resort, on the other hand, was not at all what I expected. In fact, it was much more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. All inclusive is fucking amazing. Nothing but top shelf booze, free room service and "infinity pools". First night there, I got shit faced on Jack Daniels, and preceded to eat my self stupid on sushi. Honestly, for someone who likes the hooch as much as me, having a FUCKING DISPENSER in your room that spits out Johnny Walker Black, Absolut, Bacardi and some sort of tequila is about as close to heaven as I ever hope to get. I regret that I didn't drain that sumbitch of its contents (I was too busy having the swim up bartender make me crazy tequila drinks).

The only real downside to the trip was the sunburn. And that I didn't get to eat a tripe burrito from some dude selling out of a Home Depot bucket.

Konvict, GAGA!

This is the realest thing I have said in a long time...

11:47pm Jake
GaGa reminds me of what a gay guy would find hot if he actually liked to fuck women

Don't ask me why I was discussing Lady GaGa on Facebook, only know the quote for its truth.

Oh, and MTV will be playing videos from 3AM to 9AM again starting Monday I guess. Hmmm...reality TV not so hot anymore?

Anyways, off to Cancun in a day. Still scared shitless about flying in a plane, but oh well. The things that we sacrifice for fun.

Day 'N" Nite

Spring means baseball/softball. I celebrated the first day of real Spring today by going out and smacking the ball around a bit. And I hit really well, I think it was the Jeff Bagwell knee bends between pitches that did it. Or it could have been the fact that I didn't jerk my head around like an epileptic when the ball came towards the plate. Anyways, good day, except I feel like I have sunburn on the back of my neck and facial region.

In other news, while I was on my marathon 21 hour workday Tuesday to Wednesday, I had to drive the company van to Wal-Mart at 4:30 in the morning. When I am up at such an ungodly hour, I like to tune into the radio, because the DJs don't have to play the playlist and usually just throw random shit on. That's when I heard "Day 'n' Nite" by Kid Cudi.

The song sounds like something that should have been on the "Party Zone" in 1992. All Acid House synth, a sorta siren, and some lyrics about a lonely stoner who frees his mind at night. And I enjoy it immensely. After researching this guy a little, it turns out hes a Kanye disciple., which figures, because this is the gayest gay club sounding song to get played on pop radio since "Move This" by Technotronic. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Pea-Tear, Griffin

Family Guy just had a three minute Conway Twitty performance spliced into the middle of tonight's episode (with no reasoning whatsoever). Wow, how lazy can one writing staff be?

To think, I used to look forward to Family Guy. But in the last two seasons, the show has gone to such absolute shit that it is impossible to watch.

Fashion Shoots With Beck and Hanson

So me and a co-worker got to talking about "Midnite Vultures" today, and I realized I haven't listened to that album all the way through in like three years (this is what happens when you own 2000 discs). So I got to listening, and I forgot about how much it kicks ass. I also forgot that "Beautiful Way" was on there (I thought for sure it was on "Mutations"). Listening also made me realize that Beck was probably listening to A LOT of Kool Keith at the time, because "Hollywood Freaks" sounds like a PG rated cut off of "Dr. Octagonecologyst".

"Midnite Vultures" makes me long for the days of yore, where Beck may have been the biggest pop star in the land. I mean, when "Odelay" came out, everyone had to own it, all four of the singles ("Where It's At", "Devils Haircut", "The New Pollution" and "Jack-Ass") were on MTV and alt rock radio (which was the top 40 of the day) constantly. The "Where Its At" video was for sure the what the fuck moment from the album, the moment you knew it was going to be huge. For me, the cuts were "The New Pollution" and "Lord Only Knows". It was like listening to the radio in 1966 if the aliens had invaded. Hopefully, some day there will be an artist to come out of nowhere and shake up the game like that again.