Jake Eickholts 115th Dream

Last night I had a dream I was in a swank lounge (you know, the kind the dudes on Entourage are always at with the round sofas and whatnot). And I had just won the Super Bowl. Anyways, I was talking big shit, saying "Who else in here has won a Super Bowl and a Super Bowl MVP?"

Then I looked over at one of the round sofas and Ben Roethlisberger was sitting there, in his Steelers gear. He said "this guy" and pointed at himself. Then we both got amped and Big Ben gave me bones.

Funny thing is, I guess he never won the Super Bowl MVP. Well, I guess that makes two of us...

But It's Alright

So we got spanked in softball tonight. The positive would be that we put up 16 in the first game and only lost by eight. The negative would be the fact that teams in the Brooklyn Center D Fall league are much, much better than the Million Dollar Men. Oh well, I will take solace in almost hitting for the cycle tonight in the first game (single, double, triple)...

I also started converting some vinyl to MP3 this evening. I found a 45 by a local MPLS band called The Mystics in a stack of records my brother Jordan was converting. Digging garage, I threw it on. Good shit, a kick ass, sort of sloppy cover of "But It's Alright" and another cover of "Pain" by Grass Roots (was not familiar with that song at all). Not sure which is the A and which is the B but I think "Pain" was the track spun on KDWB...

I also threw the Nick Gilder album with "Hot Child In The City" on there (mainly for "One Of The Boys" which is amazing). Next step: Ringo's solo album with "Photograph" on it and all the Pearl Jam Christmas 45s I have been accumulating over the years. This may be the best toy since the Cobra Terrordome!

Why I STILL Hate Megan Fox

So my favorite celeb is on the cover of Rolling Stone this fortnight...

First off, let me start by saying I only get Rolling Stone still because Rob Sheffield writes for it. The 10 or so months he wrote for Blender were painful, mainly because that magazines "tits, ass, maybe a little music" format didn't allow him to be his catty best. If he were ever to leave again, I would cancel in a heartbeat...I don't need to see Zac Effron's biddy when I am trying to get my music news.

Anyways, back to Jolie Jr. After reading the first two paragraphs, I learned that she has her boyfriends name tattooed next to her vag. Which is a little weird, but par for the course with this broad. But then you learn, in paragraph three that her BF is, wait for it, BRIAN FUCKING AUSTIN GREEN! Yep, America's favorite FOX sponsored white rapper from 1994 is sthupping the IT girl of the moment. Marinate on that.

I also dislike Ms. Fox because they had her pose with a vinyl copy of "Ziggy Stardust" in their little pictorial. Don't sully my favorite shit, RS. Just don't.

Glenn Medeiros ~ She Ain't Worth It ~ 1990

Did this go to #1 due to Bobby Brown? And why is he hanging out with this dude who stole Mike Seavers hair? How did this come out in 1990? Weren't the 80s over by then? So many unanswered questions....

I heard that old Glenn is a high school teacher. Anyways, if I had a radio station, this shit would STILL be in regular rotation.

You Da F-----n' Best, You Da Best I Ever Had

Why is anything left in Brooklyn Center? If any city screams "hey, I quit progressing in 1985" its that one. That became painfully clear when I went to Best Buy tonight.

There was one cashier for about ten people in line, and the couple in front of me had their credit card rejected four times and insisted that it get run again. I waited about five minutes to purchase my CD, when it should have taken 20 seconds. The problem is that this is par for the course for the BC Best Buy. Absolute clueless service, no one is really buying anything (except for BOOST! phones when I was in there) and a minuscule selection of everything. All the stores in BC are like that. They are like that 40 year old dude who lives at home and goes to Fieldhouse or Champps and fucks 22 year olds in his parents basement...there once was potential, but now he (or it) is running on fumes.

The CD I bought may have been worth the wait. Kid Cudi's "Man On The Moon" is not quite a hip-hop album, not quite a pop album. It may be the first R&B influenced concept album about hating yourself (well besides "Ready To Die" by Biggie). Dude is talking about coke-induced suicide on track 2, spends track 4 and 7 tracks discussing his loner status, may be face fucking Lady Gaga with Common and Kanyeezy on track 12, tries to get happy with MGMT on track 13, and may finally have killed himself on the final track. Or did he? Common comes on to tell us nothings over.

Hip hop has been pretty fucking dead for the last two years. Honestly though, after one and a half listens to "Man On The Moon," I can't wait for part 2 of the trilogy.

Ghost Like Swazye, Etc

Patrick Swazye dying is a major loss in my book, if only because the dude starred in "Road House" and "Point Break." Both of those movies are stone cold classics. I also forgot he was in "The Outsiders." Oh, and I will admit it, "Dirty Dancing" has its moments...but I will not ride for "Ghost" (even though I know of at least one guy who loves that movie). So, RIP Dalton. Hopefully you and Jeff Healy can rock out on a kick ass "She's Like The Wind/Angel Eyes" medley in the hereafter.

In other news, my 14 year old brother asked my mom if I was gay because I read Esquire. I said, if I subscribed to GQ or Details, maybe, but Esquire is a manly read full of half naked Mary Louise Parkers and articles about In-N-Out Burger. Funny thing is, this isn't the first time my sexuality has been questioned because of Esquire. Has there ever been a magazine so misunderstood?

New Pearl Jam in 6 days...pretty amped. Hopefully it won't disappoint like "Binaural" and "Riot Act," but it will kick ass like the Avocado one, which made me want to fight the government and eat guacamole.

The Love Of My Life (And It Ain't Hip Hop)

Football season is here. The time of year where I turn to my sports mistress (baseball will always be my wifey) only to get my heartbroken by that slut in purple. Ah, but she always looks so right at the twilight of summer, over there in the corner with so much promise. Oh well, maybe things will be different this time. Maybe she will stay until February, when we can take that vaycay to South Beach and party with that guido Lombardi.

But we all know how this is gonna turn out. The broad is going to leave the relationship around November all emotionally bruised after some asshole named Brett or Tavaris breaks her heart by failing to deliver on his promises. I will probably start to flirt with that redhead in downtown St. Paul, or that silver fox who hangs out by Block E. But I won't do anything, and I will go back to my wifey and the new house she's building downtown MPLS in the spring, where we will be hopefully happy for years to come.

Well, At Least We Still Got Johnny Damon

So I thought Matt Damon was dead for two minutes tonight...

Some random blog posted that TMZ had reported that Matt Damon died hiking in the California desert. My brother told me that it was legit and it was on NBC. And I believed the initial reports, due to the fact that I now somehow consider TMZ a legit news source. I think its time to step away from the computer. How fucked is our society's news gathering when we believe a blog that thrives on pictures of celebs asses instead of an accredited source?

In non celeb death related news, the new Jay-Z album sucks, conditionally. There are only a handful of decent tracks, two of which were singles already and one of which was built on the chorus to "Forever Young" by Alphaville. Being one of the only people to find "American Gangster" damn near classic, I was going to ride for "Blueprint 3" hard. But I can only give it a C. Ain't no "Roc Boys" or "Lost One" on this disc...although the song about New York with Alicia Keys is pretty good.

The Debauchedness...

I promised myself a weekend of debauchery, and goddammits, that's what I got.

Thursday was pretty mellow. The only debauchery was eating at Checkers (Loaded fries are pretty debauched) and going to Cheapo to pick up some CDs.

Friday on the other hand, was both decadent and debauched. I went to the Fair and ate the following items (NOTE: Most were shared with others):
-Cheese Curds
-Pronto Pup
-Deep Fried Cannoli
-Pig Cheek
-Australian Battered Potatoes
-Sweet Martha's Cookies
-A Milkshake

After that decadence, I went bowling at Earle Brown Lanes...and split three pitchers of Mich Golden between two people. Then, off to Jams, where I downed bottom shelf whiskey diets while my cohort talked up some broad who looked like Octomom (and who was wearing a dashiki). Octomom told my cohort to meet her at Denny's...so we went. There was no Octomom, but there was a meal named after Rascal Flats. So I ordered it, with my hash browns smothered and covered. Thank god for that, because I would have puked the next morning for sure if Rascal Flats wouldn't have been in my tummy.

Saturday was another "So Ruff So Tuff" day. Went to a softball shindig in Richfield, then went to Champps a block away. After realizing Champps was deader than Chris Benoit, we headed to a dive sports bar called Tailgate. Tailgate had karaoke, and I rocked the fuck out of "Up On Cripple Creek". Then I decided it would be fun to try to pick up the only single chicks in the bar. Didn't work out so well...they came back and helped us drink some keg beer, but one of them was a super huge Dave Matthews fan (even dropping the dreaded "Dave" reference) and kind of soured on Ol' Jakey Poo when I made fun of their new album title.

But, you gotta admit, "Whiskey Kings and The Goo Goo Crux" or whatever is a stupid fucking name...even if its named after their dead violinist.

Sunday was the recovery day. Went to Mayslack's for a few beers, and passed out around 1 AM. Fitting end to a great weekend.

Pruple Reign, Purple Reign

God, Adrian Peterson is amazing. Watching Peterson run is like watching a fighter jet take off, except I've never seen a jet take off in person and I think Peterson may be more powerful. The 70-something yard run AP busted off tonight (first play from scrimmage no less) looked so effortless and powerful that I really have nothing I have seen in sports to compare it to. Maybe, just maybe, it matches MJ gliding to the hoop or Ken Griffey Jr's swing.

Oh, and Favre looked okay. Seeing the Ol' Gunslinger (whom I have wished more than my share of harm on in my day) in Purple is still like seeing your enemy snuggle with the love of your life, but I think I can take that kind of nausea if the Lombardi Trophy is paraded down Hennepin in February.

Ken Griffey's Grotesquely Swollen Jaw

Tonight was the biggest cumulative ass whipping I have ever been a part of in softball. I think the other teams scored a combined 75 runs to our 20 or so. It sucks, I'm sore, kinda heartbroken, and sweaty.

But on my way home I stopped at Holiday and witnessed someone buying only a Hawaiian Punch and a Blunt paying in change being rung up by a cashier with the sides of his head shaved and a gel shell on top, and it made everything all better.

Oh, and R.I.P Teddy Kennedy. I'm not exactly sure what you did (or, for that matter, what ANY of the fucking Kennedy's did beside possibly Eiffel Tower Marylin Monroe) to improve American society. But you did love the broads and you loved scotch and you once DD'ed and killed some party slut, so I guess your more than okay in this guys book...

The Stuff Kids Go For

The last year has been absolutely abominable for music...at least I thought so until recently. Today, both Pearl Jam and Weezer released new singles (Pearl Jam going with "The Fixer" and The Weeze going with the succinctly titled "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To"). Both songs rock my socks, going in a very poppy direction for two bands not known for slinging pop candy. The Weezer song is up on some 70s bubblegum nonsense and was produced by my favorite purveyor of nonsense (Butch Walker) while "The Fixer" sounds like the Pearl Jam that kicked our asses on the last disc, except happy.

The other song/group I am totally gay for recently is Passion Pit, whose "Manners" disc has really not left the iPod/CD player in the last couple of weeks. The key track is "Little Secrets" which is the happiest song ever and makes me want to white boy dance.

Oh, and the new Brendan Benson is grand also...but that was to be expected after "The Alternative To Love." Anything else would have been a letdown.

Clearance Rack Cavalcade 8/22/09

Since I haven't actually updated this thang in two weeks, I'm gonna give you two for one on the CD reviews...

Big Black "Songs About Fucking"
This albums title may mislead those who are looking to spice up the bedroom. When I think of songs that may be about fucking, I think of things like "The Lemon Song" or anything by Prince before he turned Jay-Hov. God only knows what kind of fucking Big Black was going off about, but I assume it involved fishhooking, choking, and in all likelihood, an appearance by TT Boy. Overall though, the CD wasn't a terrible purchase. Their cover of "The Model" sounded like Kraftwerk backed by Nine Inch Nails, and the song "Colombian Necktie" has a pretty kickass drum going for it. I guess a more apt title would have been "Songs to Do Speed To".

PJ Harvey "To Bring You My Love"
I was always a little leery of diving into the PJ Harvey pool, mainly because her videos always scared me when I was a youngun. But then I bought "Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea" on clearance and liked the fuck out of it. So I delved into "To Bring You My Love" head-on. TBYML already had a familiar song in it with "Down By The Water"(which reminds me of middle school and the fact that the local alternative station seemed to have a constant battle between "Down By The Water" and "Lighting Crashes" by Live as to who could have more airplay in the Spring of 1995). The deeper cuts, like "C'mon Billy" and "Send His Love To Me" aren't as "radio friendly" as "Down By The Water" (which, if were released today, would never sniff the top 40 at any format) but are just as effective, and dare I say, sort of sexy in a creepy way. Worth my Jefferson, and then some.

For The Movies...

God, there were a lot of ugly people at Target tonight. And they weren't your standard unattractive types. They were the ones wearing dirty white Looney Tunes T-Shirts and had rolls spilling out of tank tops. Made me almost think twice about buying that sack of Pizza Rolls...

Anyways, I heard that some sexy celeb chick from Gossip Girl had a homemade porn floating around on the internet. So, like any good meaning American citizen, I searched for it. All I got was some stills...a huge disappointment. It was the same bullshit I dealt with trying to get me some naked Erin Andrews.

Amazingly, I think I like looking at naked celebs fucking more than I actually like trying to find willing women for myself. I have no clue why. I mean, I actually watched the Tonya Harding porn just to see what it was all about. I ended up laughing, mainly because her hubby kind of looked like an old supervisor I had named Mike T. But the point is, I still watched. I would probably watch a Kirstie Alley/John Goodman porn if one ever gets leaked. Because they are naked and famous.

Random Discs 8/4/09

So on the way to work today, I had the ol iPod on random. A Manic Street Preachers song called "Ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayit'sworldwouldfallapart" came on, and I thought to myself, "I am the only fucking person I know who owns this CD." Mind you, that doesn't make the music earth shattering or myself some special music savant, it just means that I enjoy some random shit. So here's a short list of CDs I own that I guarantee none of my inner and outer circles (around 50 people owns):

Manic Street Preachers-The Holy Bible
Kind of a cross between Oasis and a hardcore punk band, they later on became a watered down Oasis/Britpop styled band. But this CD was pure fire.

Suede-Dog Man Star
Another Britpop group, this kind of sounds like slow-Bowie fronted by a tranny who has great shoes.

Robbie Williams-Sing When You're Winning
Too bad this dude got no shine in the U.S. besides a few low charting singles ("Millenium" and "Angels") because this CD rules. Witty, sensitive, glammy and pensive all in one package. Note: I also own the Robbie Williams standards album "SWING When You're Winning" which is absolute shit.

Rockpile-Seconds of Pleasure
On which Nick Lowe and Dave Edmunds team up to sing rockabilly. Incredible power pop.

The Magnetic Fields-69 Love Songs
69 songs about love, being in love, hating love, all sung in different styles, but having a very chamber pop vibe.

XTC-Oranges and Lemons-
Not the best album ever, but it has the two best XTC songs ("King For a Day" and "The Mayor of Simpleton"). As if there is anyone who reads this actively judging XTC songs....

Street Dancing In The Dark

Holy shit, I need to quit drinking...this weekend was even more drunken and strange than the last.

Friday started with a trip to the Southhaven Muni On/Off Sale bar, where Kammies were done and cheap beer drank. DJ Funky Monkey was rockin her set (which consisted of David Allan Coe, Buckcherry and Union Underground) and Heggie's pizza was taken from the Annandale Fire Department's banquet table.

I think the Kamikaze put the crew over the top, because on the way home, the whip was ghost rode down a dirt road to A Tribe Called Quest. Having never ghost rode the whip before, I can say it was quite the thrill.

Saturday started with a trip to the Wright County Swap Meet, where magic always happens. A wedding photo of Sonny and Cher was purchased (not by me), along with a Richard Marx CD (by me). The real fun started when we all started drinking around noon, which led to the longest Polish golf game ever ( I think around two hours) which I lost after leading 20-2.

Then, onto the street dance. The scenery at the street dance wasn't all I hoped for, but there was a woman who had a Diane Lane quality that all the young dudes found endearing. There were also jalapeno poppers and more kammies. After getting really really drunk, we went to an after bar at some dude named Bear's house out in the woods.

Bear's bar was a little overwhelming. It was lit with red light bulbs and had dollar bills, panties, and Bears and Cardinals memorabilia all over the fucking place. It also seemed that Bear didn't want any dudes in his house. When his kid started yelling "I'm in the fucking Navy" drunken me decided it was probably time to go.

Great times though...'cept I might not go back to the Bear Cave next time.

Embarrassing Albums 7/20/09

This blog begins with a disclaimer: I fucking hate Don Henley. He is a curmudgeonly old man who won't let chunky housewives sing his songs at karaoke. The songs he sang with the Eagles pale in comparison to anything Glen Frey or Joe Walsh did. Oh, and there is something vaguely creepy about his political agenda.

That being said, I love Don Henley's 1989 album "The End of the Innocence." This is probably the first time I have confessed that little tidbit, but it needs to be said. Not only do I own TEOTI on CD, I also have it on vinyl...and I am damn proud of it.

Enough with the "how?" though. More on the "why?"

Part of my love for this disc may because it was one of only four CDs my parents owned from 1989 to 1992 (along with Vanilla Ice, Wilson Philips and The Best of Kansas). Needless to say, the only CDs that actually got play were Don Henley and the Kansas best of. So familiarity may have bread my love.

Another part of the love may be the world weary view the album takes. Ol' Don just sounds beat down, kinda pissed off about it, but RESIGNED to his failures. Even in a song called "I Will Not Go Quietly" Henley doesn't really sound like he's going to bring the motherfuckin' ruckus. And really, what is better than being resigned that life isn't roses and wine?

The best three songs on TEOTI are the three top 40 hits ("The Heart of the Matter", "The Last Worthless Evening" and the title track). They are also the most earnest. Much of what Henley did with the Eagles seemed plastic and bitter (see "Life In The Fast Lane") and none of the three I listed have that quality. So, in "the long run" that is why "The End of the Innocence" remains an embarrassing album that I hold dear to me.

Plus, W. Axl Rose sings backups on the album. How fucking weird is that?

Lake Michigan 09: Own It!

Holy shit I am drained...long long weekend spent in Wisconsin. Lots of drinking, lots of cheese, lots of strangeness that will probably never be matched in the annals of my bar going (and there has been plenty of that).

Friday night we arrived in Manitowoc after a 5 hour drive and hit up a hotel bar that had karaoke. Many dollar taps were consumed, in a setting that could be described as "biker friendly." There was also a ferry boat enthusiast who dressed like Bernie from "Weekend at Bernies" and a chubby dude named Tommy Lee who sang "Amish Paradise" by Weird Al Yankovic. At bar close, we stumbled home while singing "Kiss From a Rose" and also fighting rocks and flower beds.

Saturday can be summed up by the following sequence: Cheese shop, townie acoustic festival, cheese curds, drunken croquet, homemade gourmet pizza, dive bar. The dive bar was called Kenny B's, and 90% of the crowd were either A)raging lesbians or B)pre-op transsexuals. It was insane to see, especially in a town of only 30,000 people. The karaoke there was also insane, lots of Alice Cooper. The highlight for me was when Nate did "A Lapdance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying" by the Bloodhound Gang(which will probably never be in a karaoke book again). Anyways, it was an insane weekend, but very fun.

Denver Day 2

Sorry about the lateness of this post, hectic ass beginning of the week with return to work and softball and such...

Denver day two started out with a cheap ass breakfast at a cafe downtown. I had a Chorizo Hash and a Bloody Mary, and my bill ran 10 bucks. After that, I hit up some bowling at Lucky Strike Lanes (an uber trendy 3rd floor bowling alley with loungers and a Bloody Mary Bar). I bowled a 163 the first game, and around an 80 the second game (in which I got absolutely worked by Nikki, who hadn't bowled in like 10 years).

After bowling, it was a walk to Coors Field in the pouring rain. Once in the field though, the rain stopped, and I took in the scenery. Awesome stadium, laid back fans. We stood right on the bullpen rail in center, where we saw D-Backs pitcher Clay Zavada's amazing waxed moustache (aka "Face Salad"). Even though I wasn't too in to the game in the beginning (I HATE NL baseball unless its the Cubs) it got exciting later on when the D-Backs put up 11 runs in three innings.

And, that's about it. The ride home sucked, but it was well worth it, and I will be going going back back to Denver Denver sometime in the future.

FOR TOM KLICK: How much shit should we give Nick tomorrow for Sakic retiring?

Denver Day 1.5

Operation Get In To Denver began at 7 PM Thursday with a planned rendezvous point of Omaha around 1 AM. Driving through Iowa was going to be a bitch, and it was, but for unexpected reasons. The entire state smelled like a cross between youth football equipment and pig shit. Probably the most horrendous smell that one could smell, AND IT LASTED THE LENGTH OF THE STATE!

Anyways, we arrived in Omaha around 12:30 AM. A hotel was booked downtown for 50 bucks, which gives you an idea of how hoppin Omaha is. There was absolutely no one on the streets. It was like St.Paul on a Wednesday, except more boring. Really strange.

After sleeping a few hours and loading up on caffeine, we continued our journey west. I ate lunch at a place called Runza, which is a Nebraska only fast food chain that serves meat pies. It was the most awful food stuff I have ever consumed. Instead of the luscious meat pie I was expecting, I got something the same taste and consistency as a Hot Pockets Sub. Plus, the place smelled like a nursing home and was loaded with a bunch of ugly corn fed Nebraskans. Such a disappointment...

Finally, we arrived in Denver around 5. Denver is much larger and cleaner than I expected. The downtown area has a strip that is what Block Eshould be. Very vibrant, a nice mix of chain stores and local restaurants and bars, and a free bus that runs the length of the mall.

One of the bars had a drink called Rastafarian Punch, which was like a Tied To The Bedpost at Gasthof's, except bigger and cheaper. The bar also had lamb burgers and numerous other cheap drinks. Needless to say, I partook. And I ended up passing out at 11:30 due to the "altitude."