My Sex Is On Fire

Whew, this was one of those whirlwind weekends that seemed like it lasted five minutes. Friday was spent at Gasthofs (for about an hour) and Jaros for a few Greenies (felt like 10 minutes, was probably 3 or four).

Woke up Saturday hung over as fuck to pack up the kids (CDs) and step kids (vinyl) for the voyage up 100 this week. Ate a salad and a dubby chubby, then went up to Mayslacks for a joyous reunion with Peter-San, Russ, Roast Beef and Hookers N Blow. Good times for those who showed, and as usual, the beef was amazing.

Woke up today hung over again, went to the Dome to watch the Purp lay the bitch slap down on the Panthers. Gus looked good, AP looked tentative (and may have cost me my fantasy game) and I'm in good spirits again.

And Tuesday, new Kings of Leon. "Sex On Fire" is slowly creeping up the Modern Rock and iTunes charts, so there is hope for amazing music to be popular again.

Sarah P is President

What the hell is going on with the election? I thought Obama was the savior, everyone wanted to vote for him because he had the ideas and charisma. I guess that putting a woman on a ticket makes you electable as shit, because McCain suddenly is in the lead. Are you ready for four more years of the same bullshit (or worse HELLO IRAN!) just because of a novelty?

Sarah Palin is not qualified to lead this country. She has been governor of a marginal state for a year and a half, and before that she was the mayor of a small town. And yet, at the gym yesterday (in between staring at Rhianna and staring at the Twins losing) I saw Sarah Palin taking the lead in a "town hall" style meeting with McCain.

I'm starting to think that Palin was McCains only hope, the sugar on the medicine, and when "they" get elected she will get pushed to the back. Then those who voted based on the novelty of the fact that they thought a woman was going to lead will be sadly mistaken by an inexperienced Veep and a war hungry man in the On Golden Pond years of his life.

I Feel It In The Air, The Summers Out Of Reach

Summer was murdered in one fell swoop this weekend by the NFL and the cold temps in Brainerd. I know that Summer is usually over with Labor Day and the start of school, but last weekend was so damn warm that I didn't feel it. But, by going up to Milla's cabin this weekend and experiencing the sharp sting of 40 degree temperatures, I now know Fall is here.

The only thing I have to look forward to in the Fall is the MLB Playoffs and NFL Football. Otherwise, I get really down in the Fall and don't roll out of my Terry Funk until November.

But, I'm going to try to change that this year somehow. No more Fall talk...as of now.

Milla's cabin was a good time. A lot of Miller Lite was consumed, and Kori made us all a kick ass cake and some Hobo Dinner which I consumed with much gusto. I also picked up a Silverchair CD (Diorama) at the Goodwill in Brainerd for $2, which turned out to be quite the investment. "Diorama" features orchestration by Van Dyke Parks (who produced/worked on classic Beach Boys LPs) which means it sounds very chamber-poppy. Cool CD, and all the better for 2 bones. I also picked up 2 ELO albums for $5, and the new Dr. Dog kicks some ass also. Seeing as how fundage is a little tight these days, cheap music is ganz fantastich.

Don't Bring Me Down, Bruuuuce?

To use a little Cliff Clavin, its a little known fact that there is an ELO tribute band called ELNo. As of 2 PM yesterday, I had no idea someone would pay tribute to Jeff Lynne (who's career was mainly a tribute to the Beatles and Roy Orbison). As of 2 AM yesterday, however, I had seen the tightest cover band I have ever seen.

Lee's Liquor Lounge was the venue, and it was pretty empty for the Thin Lizzy cover band Jailbreak (basically the reason that I went anyways). They did a good "Cowboy Song" and, like all Thin Lizzy cover bands I have seen didn't play "The Boys Are Back In Town". Anyways, I almost decided to make a border run when I found out Nate and his lady were going to come up for ELNo. And I was glad I stayed.

It seems really hard to pull off an ELO song live. There are strings, vocal effects, vocal layers upon layers and about 14 different keyboard effects in each song. Yet ELNo pulled it off. All the big hits sounded like the records, with the exception being "Telephone Line" where the vocals were a little off. And the mix of oldsters, hipsters and gay guys was interesting people watching. Oh, and 5/6ths of the band rocked afro wigs and Aviators and billed themselves as "Jeff Lynne #1-5". I definitely need to see these guys again.

Volga Boat Song

So Labor Day is nearly upon us. What the fuck does Labor Day exactly celebrate? Me working? I think that is their (by their, I mean the government) idea. If that actually is the case, then why do we not get a whole week off? I'm confused, but I guess I shouldn't look a gift holiday in the mouth?

Doesn't a holiday honoring the worker seem a little Commie to you? And whenever I think of Commies, two things pop into my head...the Miracle on Ice and Kyle Olson reading "The Communist Manifesto" out loud to the Chinese workers at the Northtown China Buffet in high school. I guess coming of age at the very end of the Cold War can kind of do that sort of thing to you.

According to my gay lover Wikipedia, Labor Day was going to be celebrated on May day like the Reds did. So I was right. But the entry is still vague as hell, so I really don't know why we are getting time off still. Oh well, at least Milla Cabin V is on track for the weekend after...

Attention QOTSA Fans

I'm selling my copy of The Desert Sessions volume III/IV on CDfor $60 bucks, if anyone is interested. I'm broke as shit, so I need to clear some of my inventory...let me know.

Electric Blue

I have been more 80s than New Coke, McDLTs and Stone Washed 501s lately. I have no idea why. Its weird, with the straight lack of good new music coming out (Black Kids, MMJ, the new Roots, the two Cool Kids songs I d/led and a few others non-withstanding) I have been turning to my aural comfort food of top 40 80s pop. Last night alone I "acquired" "Electric Blue" by Icehouse, "Love Takes Time" by Mariah Carey and "I Get Weak" by Belinda Carlisle.

Topping that list, I believe that "Electric Blue" may be in my top 5 80s songs. Everything about it screams 1988. The plinky synth lead, the power guitar, the vaguely falsetto chorus sung by a guy who shouldn't be hitting those notes, and the "On-My-Knees" backup vocals. It also reminds me of long car rides to my grandpa's restaurant in Eden Prairie in a big ol' Delta 88 with springs sticking out of the backseat.

The new Verve single "Love Is Noise" is also kick ass. Yes, I still ride or die for some Verve. Oh, and new Kings of Leon...smashing.

Jesus Is Just Alright (For Kirk Cameron)

Last night I went and saw Pineapple Express at a theatre in Oakdale. This was far outside of my standard theatre triforce of Showplace in the Coon, AMC in the Maple, and Regal in the Southside of Chicago, er, Brooklyn Center. But, I digress. The theatre was one of the Carmike chain, which does something interesting with their previews. They throw low budget God person movie previews in with the normal ones.

This meant 20(yes, 20!) minutes in previews before I got to see Seth Rogen get ripped and blow shit up. But the religious previews were awesome. One was for a movie about the pets that got left behind after Katrina, the other one was for some uber patriotic movie about how sweet America is staring Mr. Belding, and the final one was for a God movie about loving your wife starring Jesus Cyborg Kirk Cameron. The best part was that they were spliced into the reel between actual Hollywood previews, so I got to see a glimpse of Vin Diesel as a killer with heart, followed by Mike Seaver making a candlelight dinner for his wife.

My question is this: who is the audience for these movies? I'm pretty sure the 20 somethings who wanted to see a stoner comedy are not going to see a film focusing on orphaned pets or how the Jesus can make your love life real. Someone at Carmike needs to hire a marketing guru to determine where to place their chruchie previews, maybe someone named Jake?

Jake Eickholt Is (Probably) Going To Run On Dunkin

YES!!! Dunkin Donuts is trying to find a franchisee to fulfill my need for cheap coffee and Bavarian Cream donuts. 100 or so in the Twin Cities metro in the next few years. So, I beg of anyone with 4 mil in the bank, please go to www.dunkindonuts.com and get me my fucking coffee!

And yes, I am sure my previous blog had something to do with the planned expansion. And yes, the fans on the Strib website are complaining and touting local bakeries. Fucking clowns. Although Jack's in Brooklyn Park is awesome, and the Shakopee Bakery is also pretty good (dudes bring donuts in from there on Donut Friday at work).

Next up: A bitch fest about the lack of 7 Elevens in MPLS. Then maybe I will get to indulge in Slurpees.

It's Butters!

The St. Louis Park Bennigan's closed abruptly this morning I guess. Unfortunately, the one in Coon Rapids will still stay open. I bet Butters is mad pissed. Where else is he going to go for his parents anniversary and eat mozzarella sticks? And where else am I going to get shit service and have a stoner broad try to upsell me a twice baked potato?

The truth is, chain restaurants haven't been as much fun since you couldn't light up in them. I remember going to TGI Fridays in Brooklyn Center and Applebee's in Brooklyn Park and taking major advantage of their two for ones at Applebees and the 2 dollar well drinks at Fridays. I also remember putting cigs out in Nate's nachos, taking pictures of Milla puking after his power hour (which are now also illegal) and seeing Oliver Miller after a Wolves game. Ah, memories.

Girl Talk

For those not in the know, a little of Americas innocence died last night. It was callously murdered when the Detroit Shock and the L.A. Sparks got into a girl fight at the Palace last night.

Such a shame that the great spectator sport that is the WNBA would have to suffer such a horrible event, one that consisted of light pushing, Rick Mahorn, and The Mailman's daughter tearing her ACL trying to avoid the light shoving. I feel bad for the fan in attendance who had to see this tragedy.

(The only bonus of seeing coverage of this farce was glancing up at ESPN and seeing Rachel Nichols head shot. My god, does that woman look like she has a frisky side or what? I'm pretty sure that if a Rachel Nichols sex scandal breaks, I'm following it with more intensity than I did the Bill O'Riley one for sure).

In other, non WNBA related news, I went and saw The Dark Knight today. Easily one of the best movies I've seen in the last couple of years. I got the same feeling watching it that I got when I saw The Departed. Heath Ledger is straight up scary as hell and the movie overall was a 2 1/2 hour roller coaster that didn't let up once. I know that it may be odd for the Academy to nominate a "comic book" movie for best picture, but I really cannot see how they couldn't give a nod to "The Dark Knight".

Excuses and Half-Truths and Fortified Wine

I am totally feeling "Stay Positive" by The Hold Steady with every inch of my being. This is a damn near perfect classic rock album. All the usual Hold Steady musical touchstones are there, the piano, the solos, the anthemic choruses. What is new is the addition of more horns, and a talkbox at the end of "Joke About Jamaica". None of the new tricks take away from the overall power of the album, which seems a bit more downbeat than the previous three. My only gripe when I first picked it up was that Holly, Gideon and Charlemagne were not referenced but once. But then I read an interview with Craig Finn, who claimed that he deliberately left out names to make the songs more ambiguous. I thought that was a very interesting way of writing, seeing as how the Steady's songs play more like mini novels than conventional pop songs.

After multiple spins "Stay Positive" is probably going to be album of the year when my rundown comes out in December (the only major competition so far being the new My Morning Jacket). We still have Kings of Leon in September, so who knows? It may be a repeat of 2005 when "Separation Sunday" and "Aha Shake Heartbreak" topped the list.

As for other new discs, I am feeling the new Beck after the second listen. After listen number 1, I didn't get into it. My reasoning was that I listened to it on my iPod, and Danger Mouse's overwhelming Space Invaders meets Hanna Barbera production killed the thing for me. Listening to it on the old Hi-Fi allowed the bloops and blips to blend into the songs, and it was overall a better experience. "Gamma Ray" and "Youthless" are the tracks that I feel the most.

Endless Nights

Another holiday has come and gone, and I celebrated my nations independence by rockin with the Money Man at the Taste of Minnesota. Eddie Money kicked ass last night, rockin the oldies and the ironic hipsters in the crowd in equal measure. Coming off as a bit like Rodney Dangerfield (the best one liner of the night: This song is by Ray Charles, a great man who beat me by 3 strokes at golf!) Mister Money only played one new song and stuck to the anthems of the 80s like "Shakin," "Gimmie Some Water," and "Take Me Home Tonight." He also busted out "Endless Nights" which I hadn't heard since I was like 5. It was cool to see a crowd of dudes chanting "Eddie, Eddie" all night in the pit (yes, Eddie Money had a fucking pit). Oh, and he also plugged Ashley Furniture for some reason, even though there was not an Ashley ad to be found.

Remember After The Fire I Will Be The Flame

I think my brain has finally given out due to lack of sleep and constant rolls on Wikipedia. For I have been fixated on nonsense for the last week.

For the life of me, I cannot get snippets of things out of my head. Over and over, I hear Justin Morneau saying "lay somethin' in there, meat." I also hear the chorus of the new Roots song "I Will Not Apologize," most of "The Flame" by Cheap Trick, and the current #1 hit "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry...IN ITS ENTIRETY. Frankly, I'm a little scared. I used to not get like this, I was in the drivers seat when it came to my pop culture consumption. My brain has overruled my heart, I guess.

After tonight's softball drubbing, I have decided to call everyone on my softball team by their softball number, along with the affectionate names kid, pal, and sticks, in honor of the douchetards who we played. For example, Jeff Hill is #0, so tonight it was, "good job null value" or "good job single zero". Chris Howe will be "nines" for #99, and Jordan Eickholt III will be "single 8" or "el ocho".

I think that this trend may take on in the work place. For example, if Andy in shipping kicks some ass in getting my POS system out early, its gonna be, "Nice ship, Wand T-Shirt." Or if one of the CSR reps satisfies a customer on a hardware issue, I think I will say, "Way to pick me up, green dress shirt and blue striped tie." Yep, I think this is going to be big shit...

He Wore Diamonds On The Inside

Softball news--The Nature Boys would have won two games last night if it weren't for fucking Grammy. Singlehandedly beaten by Mr. Johnson, Naitch came back and beat up on team Monopoly Hockey in the night cap, 17-8. That brings the record up to 4-11, which Crystal Park and Rec cannot fathom, as they have the Blue and Gold listed at 1-14. For shame!

In other news--I cannot wait to go to the Twins-Brewers game Friday night. I plan on root, root, rooting for the home team due to the fact that there will be tons of fat cheese-bloated Sconnies there cheering for their mediocre Brewers. Not to mention the fact that we owned their stadium two weeks ago. Plus, they probably all need a vacation from the "awesome" city of Milwaukee and their "fantastic architecture" consisting of crumbling Victorian houses and dirty breweries. Don't forget the casino in the city limits!

I will give Milwaukee one thing-they know who they are. I didn't see a bunch of museums and theatres in Milwaukee. Guess what? I bet cheeseheads know that they are Midwestern and working class, unlike some cities that I can think of (cough...MPLS...cough).

We've Got Stars Directing Our Fate

So VH1 is airing "I Love The New Millennium." Although I find this very Balki Bartakamous, I will watch it anyways. Because I love listening to C and D list celebs talk about things I am completely familiar with.

I think deep down inside of my soul, these jokers validate my existence by discussing pop culture trifle that I thought no one else (besides me and my immediate friends) find interesting. For example, I got a twinge of joy when they brought up Shaggy's 2001 #1 hit "It Wasn't Me." I don't particularly like this song, although I will sing it when alone in my car or drunk off cheap brandy. No, the only reason I got some enjoyment out of seeing it on the show was it reminded me of senior year in high school, and I also thought that everyone else forgot about it.

I get the same feeling when I discuss old video games. I almost did a Pete Townsend like windmill on air guitar when my co-workers and I discussed Snowboard Kids for the N64. All this pop culture nonsense makes me (and I assume others) feel like members of a secret cool kids club. Except all the cool kids are really dorky.

In other news, the Sonic in Saint Paul finally opened...

http://www.startribune.com/local/stpaul/20646009.html

...and, of course, Minnesotans shit all over it. Listen you tree hugging faux Minnesota Nice clowns, I work in the fast food industry, and I have worked in the QSR industry for eight years on and off. Quit hating all over chain restaurants for no reason! Most of the comments are of the "I could make a better burger at home" and "buy local ingredients" variety. Guess what? I am 25, I am single, I enjoy fast food, and I would rather not buy jalapenos, bacon and cheddar cheese to make the same thing I can get at Wendy's for $2.99. To all those who like going to the corner grocer or stopping at the farmers market: YOU ARE THE REASON THAT I CANNOT GET A FUCKING SLURPEE UNLESS I GO TO CHICAGO! Choices, people. Some of us don't like to play hero and really enjoy shopping at non-union shops like Target for our groceries.

Oh, and just to clairify, I don't even like Sonic that much. I just like variety, which is something that our cake and punch Lutherans just cannot stand.

Your Eyes Have A Mist From The Smoke Of A Distant Fire...

Tuesday was a big day for me. Not only did I go 7-9 with 5 RBI in my three softball games and the Nature Boys tore up our second game, but Kevin Garnett won the NBA title.

KG was the second most important athlete in the history of the Twin Cities (we all know the first). The way he was ride or die for a cold, poncey metropolis for 13 years will be something I will never forget, along with his incredible intensity on the court and the fact that his biggest regret after winning the MVP in 2004 was that he couldn't go to Best Buy and buy DVDs anymore without being hounded. KG seemed like a good person who busted ass at work every day. I respect that in anyone, let alone a pro athlete.

So when I saw the image of KG getting emotional on ABC Tuesday at a packed Buffalo Wild Wings in Crystal, I got a little misty. I thought about a lot of things, mainly how that should have been at the Target Center in 2004 and not at the Gaaahden in 2008. I thought about how I felt in 1991 when Kirby made that catch and hit that homer in game 6. I thought about how I would feel if I could ever see another local team be the best in the world. But mainly I thought about how awesome it would be if KG gave love to us (which, as a matter of fact, he did, first and foremost. Unfortunately I didn't found out about this until after the fact).

I'm not an emotional guy when it comes to public events. I really don't cry at funerals or weddings, and I most certainly don't cry at most movies. The following is a list of times I have gotten misty in the last ten years that I can recall (not involving real everyday events):

-"Rocky Balboa"
-KG winning the title
-The episode of "Futurama" where Fry's dog waits for him and the one that features his lucky clover
-The 2004 World Series speech where Curt Schilling toasts the Red Sox as the best ever
-"A Walk To Remember"
-The Ric Flair tribute on WWE Raw
-The death of Owen Hart/tribute

I also may have gotten teary eyed a some point during the whole 9/11 era, mainly though I just remember feeling really dazed and running away from the TV to sit in Nick Miller's LeBaron and eat Quesadillas from Taco Bell while we waited for the Star Tribune truck to deliver the extra. I also think I went to the farm even though I didn't work that day.

Anyways, I couldn't be happier for KG, although I wish that we could have had that night at the Target Center.

What Made Milwaukee Famous...

On Saturday, I got the chance to go to Milwaukee to watch the Twins destroy the Brewers. It was awesome. The only downside is that I am still super hoarse today but it was worth it. The Twins won 9-4 and rubbing that in a bunch of Miller-Drunk frat boys faces was a treat all in itself. I rocked the red TC hat with a Cubs shirt, and one guy said that I didn't like my life because of that combo. I replied that I liked to support winners, to which he threatened to stick his foot up my ass. I never got footed, which was pretty damn cool.

I also enjoyed a brat with a Milwaukee exclusive concoction called "secret stadium sauce." I have no idea what is in this stuff, but my god is it tasty. It's like a cross between ketchup, Arby Sauce and Heinz 57. It's so good that I had to stop on the way home at a grocery store to pick up my own bottle for Minnesota eating pleasure. And the sauce holds up my theory that the only good things to come out of Wisconsin are food and drink related.

In other awesome news, the dance studio next door to my works World Headquarters is moving out so we can take over their space in August. The dance studio just threw out 25 years of crap, including about 100 records. If you don't think that I didn't do a little dumpster diving, then you don't know Jacob Donald Eickholt. Here are the cuts:

-"Hangin' Tough"-New Kids On The Block
-"Batman" Soundtrack
-"Don't Be Cruel"-Bobby Brown
-"La Bamba" Soundtrack
-"The Karate Kid" Soundtrack (featuring the anthem "You're The Best" by Joe "Bean" Esposito)
-"Behind The Wheel/Route 66"- Depeche Mode (12" Single)
-"The Rain"-Oran "Juice" Jones (12" Single)

For Christian: I got you the 12" for "Brand New Lover" by Dead Or Alive
For Nate: I got you the entire Taco album.

There might be some more gems there, I'm gonna look tomorrow again. I am a little pissed someone took the "Howard The Duck" soundtrack. I would like to re-live the scene where foxy little 80s Lea Thompson fucks the duck.

In Seattle, In Seattle

"Your Boy Just Hit 600".

And so a text told me about an event that should have happened in 2004. Ken Griffey Junior hit his 600th career home run tonight in Miami, Fla. If you don't know why this is important to me, then you probably didn't know me between 1992 and 2000.

During those years, I followed every single move that Junior made. I collected his baseball cards, I bought Seattle Mariners hats (I even had the turquoise fitted one and the one with the silver bill) and I went to at least one Mariners-Twins game a year. I even kept a scrapbook with clippings from USA Today and the Star Tribune. But when Griffey went to Seattle in 2000, I kind of lost touch. National League ball doesn't interest me as much as AL, so I kept on following Seattle(these were really bad, Scott Stahoviak and Pat Meares years for the Twins) even though Griffey had left.

As it turned out, I wasn't missing much. Griffey spent a huge chunk of time on the DL and his prodigious stats fell off a bit. Most predicted that he would break Aaron's record, with all the injuries he had, it looked like a miracle to get to 500. But he did, and around 2004, Griffey started putting up really solid numbers again. And tonight, he finally got to 600.

It was a happy moment for me personally. Griffey always seemed like a good player to follow(family man, played the right way, had one of the best lines in the best Simpsons episode ever) and I guess that this was sort of a vindication for picking the good guy when all my friends liked players like Albert Belle (nutcase) or Jeff Bagwell (looked like he was sitting on the toilet when he batted, was washed up by 33).

Congrats, Junior.

P.S.-The Twins are sucking hardcore right now, so it pleasures me to write something positive about baseball.

You Say, I Only Hear What I Want To

Yesterday I watched "Reality Bites" for the first time. Yes, I know, the movie came out in 1994 and I was 12 so I was old enough to watch it yada yada yada. I haven't seen a lot of movies, I know. Some things in "Reality Bites" really moved me though (besides Winona Rider hiding her natural hotness). Trouble was, they moved me the wrong way.

You see, ol' Wino Forever has to choose between two guys (Ben Stiller's yuppie and Ethan Hawke's tortured musician). Only one guy loves her, the other treats her like shit. One guy tries to help her career, the other smokes weed out of a Pepsi can, dances like a tard to "My Sharona" and plays Violent Femmes covers in a coffee house. Guess which guy she picks? Yep, the tortured artist who treats her like shit. This wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if it wasn't so fucking true.

Most women I know pick the less safe bet, and I can't understand it. Shit, most GUYS I know would rather get with the train wreck than the safe bet. And this is why I haven't had success with the ladies over the last few years. I am the safe bet. I'm the guy who won't leave, who probably won't piss you off except for buying too many CDs. A lot of my friends are like this also. The ones who are far from the safe bet are the ones who get the most, to quoth Sir Mick, girlie action.

I really don't know where I'm going with this, other than "Reality Bites" pissed me off more than any movie since "Fahrenheit 9/11" because it was more of a documentary than that film ever was.

Sequestered In Memphis

It's 2:30 AM on a Saturday, I'm not drunk, and I cannot sleep because I just downloaded the new Hold Steady single "Sequestered In Memphis".

Is this band capable of writing a bad song? Shit, its got horns, piano, sing-along chorus. You know Craig and the boys know their musical history, so they have to know that they are singing about Memphis and using soul horns and it's not just a happy accident, right? And the words, the story again...it's not "Chips Ahoy!" or "Your Little Hoodrat Friend" in terms of a novel in three minutes but it is close. "In barlight she looked alright/In daylight she looked desperate." Fucking brilliant. Someday, if I get my money right, I will be making a movie about Holly, Gideon and Charlemagne if they will let me.

Five plays in a row now. The album drops on the 15th, the concert is a week later. July is looking pretty positive.

I'll Have The Kobe Beef

Here's something you'd never hear (well, I guess SEE) me say: I am fucking amped that the Lakers won the conference title. I'm sporting leather I'm so aroused. You see, this is how I root. It may be sick, some may say deviant, but if I hate one team more than the other, I will root for the lesser of two evils. It is kind of how some choose their president. In a normal, day to day situation, I would hate the L.A. Lakers (but deeply respect the games of Kobe and Pau Gasol). But seeing as how they are playing the San Antonio Spurs (who I would rather see perish in a plane crash than ever flippidy flop all over an arena again) I will cheer the Lakers onto sweet victory.

This isn't a new thing. When I was an impressionable teen, I rooted for the 1996 Yankees to beat the shit out of the Atlanta Braves, mainly because I was being a good Minnesotan (if you were of school age in the fall of '91, you know what I'm talking about). Yet the year before I cheered those same Braves onto a World Series victory over the Indians (who beat my beloved at the time Seattle Mariners in the ALCS).

The only time this hasn't really worked out was during the 2002 World Series. The Angels beat the shit out of the Twins in the ALCS, yet I wanted them to win the Series bad. Why you ask (if your still reading)? Barry Bonds was playing for the Giants, and I don't know a single person outside of San Fransisco proper who wanted the Giants to win that title due to that punkin headed fucknut.

I guess the rule is always go for the lesser of two evils. Maybe that is also why I prefer Pepsi to Coke

Forgive and Forget You

Nice little Memorial Day weekend we had here. Or at least I thought it was. It rained in New Brighton for a total of 10 minutes yesterday, but we heard a bunch of sirens and figured it was just because there was a tornado watch. Well, picking up the paper today and seeing that tornadoes touched down only a few miles away was quite a shock. Shit, the storm didn't even really interrupt our lawn dart game or the grilling. Global warming is sure odd.

I went and saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" today and thought it was one hell of a funny movie. It also didn't hurt that the female leads were oh-so-pretty (I never thought I'd see Jackie from That 70s Show topless). The previews were pretty interesting also. I kind of want to see the stoner/action hero movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco, and never will see "The Incredible Hulk" if I live to be 100.

Otherwise, nothing else really. Boof Bonser sucks ass at facing MLB hitters, I'm pumped about softball tomorrow and the only CD that comes out tomorrow is a re-release of the fucking Dutchess by Fergie Ferg. Goodnight.

Wear My Ring Around Your Neck

I hate the San Antonio Spurs. I think that I have gone over this before, but I think that the topic needs to be re-addressed. I'm going to have some real conversation on how much I hate the U.N. of Roundball that plays in South Texas.

First off, their uniforms. What the fuck? They look like a black and white movie, and they totally sum up what the team is: uncolorful. I'm supposed to believe that Manu, Tony and The Big Yawn Tim are all superstars, but I can't. There is nothing interesting about any of them other than they are not from the U.S.

Second, I hate the way they flop like "Walk Hard". When did the NBA become an offshoot of FIFA? The slightest bump sends Balki Bartakamous (aka Manu) across the floor. And they whine like a newborn whenever they don't get a call. Come on ladies, be mannish like Lebron.

Finally, I hate that they are so good. They have been contenders for, what, like 15 years now? 20? They went to the conference finals for the first time in this run in the mid-90s, before the widespread use of the Internet. In my lifetime, they have made the conference finals SEVEN FUCKING TIMES! The Wolves have made the playoffs eight times total. God, this is depressing. I am just going to quit

Old Man Take A Look At My Life. I'm A Lot Like You Were

I found this link on OkayPlayer tonight. It made me feel really freaking old, seeing as how I was a junior in high school when this stuff came out. Not only that, but I was a shift supervisor at T-Bell and listened to most of these songs incessantly on KDWB, 93X and Rock 100. I don't know what's more depressing, that I owned the CD single for "Kiss Me" or that next year I will be in my 5th year of lower level management (thank God for that break at the Farm where I sucked as an employee and didn't make a mark). Anyways...

http://blog.allmusic.com/2008/5/9/allmusic-loves-1999

In other music news, I downloaded the new Cure single. It sounds like it could have been on "The Head On The Door" or "Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me" which means its poppy and wonderfully, wonderfully pretty. The new Weezer single "Pork and Beans" kicks some old school Weezer ass also.

I'm thinking "Pork and Beans" will be a big "summer single". We haven't had one of those in quite a while (last year it was "I'm a Flirt" and "Wouldn't Get Far" for me, "Umbrella" by sexy fivehead Rihanna for the rest of the globe). I'm also pulling for "Mercy" by Duffy, because it is so fucking weird and British and sounds like 1965. Oh, and New Kids On The Block have a single out called "Summertime" that should get airplay, because NKOTB is highly ironic and the song has summer in the title. Of course, "Birthday Girl" by the Roots would have already gone to #1 in a perfect world, but Hillary is still in the race and the Spurs are still not eliminated, so we have to settle for bumping the illegal download.

My Girl Wants To Party All The Time Party All The Time Par-tay All The Time

Long time no write. Nothing all that monumental has been going on. For starters, The Nature Boys softball season has started, and we are a predictable 1-3. This is fine with me, as I only play for the love of the game. One benefit of this season is I seem to be hitting better. Last years hitting was more ridiculous than the time Balki brought two blondes home for himself and none for Couseen Larry. Another benny is that our uniforms are sexy as all hell. I love the royal blue/yellow combo, and the hats that say "WHOOOO!" are amazing. Hopefully we can take a few more games, but if not, I'm still having an assload of fun.

Oh, and Nate's birthday BBQ/keg party was a huge success. We had a real good turn out, and everyone got really drunk (not to mention well fed on kabob). The highlight had to be Chico passed out on my bathroom floor, yelling, "bet you never thought you'd see me here!" and then someone saying "I think your friend is dead in the bathroom." Ah yes, the things tequila can do to someone.

Road Trippin Day 4

Like Motley Crue said, on with the show baby on with the show...

Yesterday started off with a breakfast buffet at a Big Boy by our hotel. The buffet was pretty damn sub par, but they had good biscuits and gravy, so I was in a good mood.

We then ventured out and went to the Great American Ballpark really early (like 10 AM early) to see the Reds play the Astros. Great American Ballpark is pretty nice. It is the newest ballpark that I have been in, and I hope that the one that they are building downtown will be as nice as this one. But I digress. The morning started out with a couple of beers at the only bar within walking distance of the stadium. Downtown Cincy is the most boring place on Earth, so boring in fact that Saint Paul looks like Vegas in comparison. Oh, and our waitress was a huge bitch.

The game was fun though. This random guy talked my ear off the whole fucking game about baseball. He knew his stuff, but it was really annoying while trying to watch the game. I guess I also talked Southern to him, saying "I can't wait until they tear that Dome down, I tell you what." I also had a chili dog topped with Cincinnati chili, which was interesting. They make their chili with nutmeg and cinnamon and it was like spaghetti sauce. I bought a can later so I could let my brothers in on the odd chili dog sensation.

After the game, we drove all the way to Racine. Today, maybe the brewery tour, maybe Harold and Kunar 2, for sure the Brewers game. All is still up in the air.

Trophies:Starbucks City Mugs-2 (Memphis, Indianapolis)
Slurpees Enjoyed-2 (Full Throttle, Coffee)
Bizarre QSR Restaurants-6 (Waffle House, Sonic, Jack In The Box,Steak N Shake, Big Boy, Skyline Chili)
Newspapers-7 (Chicago Sun-Times, Memphis Commercial Appeal, The Tennessean, New York Post, Murfeesboro Daily News Journal, Louisville Courier-Journal, Cincinnati Enquirer)

Road Trippin Day 3

Where were we? Oh yeah, I was staying in Memphis overnight so I could go to the Stax Museum in the morning...

Which I did, and it was fantastic. First off though, we went to the Sun Recording Studio, which was a little ho-hum. It was really really small, and all the tour focused on was Elvis (no Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, and the like). But our tour guide was really cute, which made the tour a little more palatable.

Now back to the Stax Museum. Instead of focusing on JUST Stax, it took in the whole history of soul music. There was tons of cool displays, like Issac Hayeses Caddy with a TV and fur lined interior, and a room with all the 45s released on Stax and Volt records. There was also an exhibit on Otis Redding with huge black and white photos and copies of paperwork from his final days (his Holiday Inn bill was around $7, Gulf charged him $70 to fuel his plane). Really cool place.

We got back to Nashville around 6 and then decided to go hit up the bars along Broadway for the night. Nashville has a bar close of 3AM, so we were going to do it right. Every bar along Broadway had a live pop/rock or pop/country band playing, so we spent the evening drinking long necks and listening to bar bands. It was fun. At three of the five or six bars we went to, the house band played "Mary Jane's Last Dance". One bar had a fine ass chick on rollerskates singing with the band. The only downside was that the street was pretty dead due to it being a Tuesday. Oh, and there were tons of creeper homeless fucks begging for money. And one old guy kept rubbing his nip like he was high on ecstasy or something(well, that was more funny than shitty...).

Today we ventured out to the Jack Daniel's distillery to see how whiskey is made. Funny that the #1 selling whiskey in the world is made pretty old timey in the bumfuck hills of Tennessee. Interesting tour though. After the tour we stopped at a store that sold "Dixie Wear" which consisted of Confeddies and hick bumper stickers. Next door was a CD store which had tons of out of print classic rock discs...two of which I purchased. Funny thing is, the hillbilly woman working behind the counter knew that they were OOP. According to her phone conversation we all heard, she also knew that she didn't want a "n-word president" but that "it was gonna happen anyway." She also hated "that bitch Hillary" and didn't want McCain. This was all said while chain smoking by the cash register. Only in the fucking South.

When that was all said and done, we left Codes behind and drove to Cincy for the Reds afternoon game tomorrow. Dammit, I want to see Junior in person again!

Trophies:
Starbucks City Mugs-2 (Memphis, Indianapolis)
Slurpees Enjoyed-2 (Full Throttle, Coffee)
Bizarre QSR Restaurants-3 (Waffle House, Sonic, Jack In The Box)
Newspapers-6 (Chicago Sun-Times, Memphis Commercial Appeal, The Tennessean, New York Post, Murfeesboro Daily News Journal, Louisville Courier-Journal)

Road Trippin Day 2

To Josh Benesh Ramsey: I'M BAAAACK!

Chi-city was left behind around 9AM on Sunday. Up next was a long long long drive to Nashville (well, technically, Murfeesboro) where we would meet up with Codes. Along the way, we stopped at a Sonic in southern Indiana, and we knew we were in the South because a biker told us in a Southern accent "Deys mo of ewe in da bathroom dan deys in da restaurant!" Sonic, by the way, is pretty fucking good. It is between Burger King and Hardee's on the taste scale. I still am pretty amped that one is opening in Savage.

We arrived at the Stevens residence around 7PM. Right away, we went to Kroger to get some grillin supplies and some beers. Cody said that we weren't good enough for Publix (I guess it is high class) so Kroger had to do. Two big differences that I noticed were that no place in the south sells Michelob Golden Draft (only Mich classic, which I haven't seen in MPLS in like 10 years) and there are no brats to be found. Instead, there is some sort of hot pink hot dog labeled "southern style" which I nearly bought, but realized that I might die if I ate it.

After Kroger we grilled out and reminisced over the old days. After getting nice and drunk, we went to the bowling alley in some small suburb of Nashville. I honestly do not remember how I bowled, but I have a feeling that it was good.

Feeling a little hung over this morning, we went to a Waffle House (which was amazing) and then looked for a record store in downtown Nashville. We found a FYE, where I purchased a used copy of "Dandy In The Underworld" by T. Rex. Not finding much to our liking in Nashville, we decided to go all the way to Memphis like Mott The Hoople.

Memphis is one hell of a town. We spent the day on Beale Street, looking at all the monuments to old R&B and soul stars (Rufus Thomas, Issac Hayes, Al Green, etc) and we toured a Smithsonian exhibit on Memphis music history. The bars here are fantastic, the women are all gorgeous, and there is a perfect mix of old people and young hotties to make me at ease. Plus, there is a bar called The Flying Saucer that has over 200 beers on tap and collectors plates of The Gambler on the walls. Oh, and there was live music everywhere. Unfortunately, we didn't get to experience everything, so tomorrow we are going to tour the Stax and Sun Records museums. Until then, keep it real.

Trophy Count:
Starbucks City Mugs-2 (Memphis, Indianapolis)
Slurpees Enjoyed-2 (Full Throttle, Coffee)
Bizarre QSR Restaurants-2 (Waffle House, Sonic)
Newspapers-4 (Chicago Sun-Times, Memphis Commercial Appeal, The Tennessean, New York Post)

Road Trippin Day 1

For those not in the know, my roomies and I are road tripping down to the Nashville area to see one Cody Bruce Stevens and also to do all sorts of crazy shit in between. Whenever I have net access, I am going to give a little rundown of the occurrences. Here goes day one.

We left the MPLS metroplex at 10 PM Friday night. I have never driven through Wisconsin late at night, and let me tell you, it is just as boring as driving it during the day (with the added danger of no street lights). After driving nearly straight through, we stopped outside of Rockford to sleep at one of those over the highway mall/rest stops they call Oasis's. Slept for about three hours, and headed out for the Chi-City.

We finally arrived in Chicago around 9 and parked at a Red Line Park and Ride to take the train to Wrigley. When we got to Wrigley, we found the first scalper we could and bought some tickets. This resulted in an awesome scalper fight, which went something like this:

Brah Scapler(Whom we didn't buy tix from): Hey, always buy the first fucking car you see?
Me: Yep, always.
Scalper #1(Whom we DID buy from):Hey, fuck you you fucking prick.
Brah Scalper:Naw man, fuck YOU!

At this point when people stopped being polite and started being real, I realized it was beer time. We went to the Cubby Bear and somehow ran into Grabski's sister and brother-in-law. After having one too many, I bought a Cubs hat and sauntered into Wrigley. Our seats were about 20 rows up on the third base line, and it was awesome. And the Cubs beat the shit out of the Pirates to the point where we left in the 8th because it was really cold and misty.

So we drove around for about an hour trying to find a Girodano's. When we did find one, we were all so fucking exhausted we couldn't enjoy the za as much as one would hope. After that, we found a Comfort INN in Des Planes and slept from 6PM to 7AM due to having been up nearly two days in a row.

Next: All The Way To Nashville(And Memphis, and Atlanta?)

Vampire Weekday

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We Chocolate Crossover

Ah, yes, Spring. Or was we like to call it in Minnesota, the three weeks before Summer...

For some reason, Spring has fucking sucked this year. Sucked more than Larry Craig in a bathhouse in 1976. The weather has felt like what I picture London being like, the Twins are inconsistent, and yesterday, my utility closet filled with my neighbors dookie.

Yep, what I thought was a burst pipe was somehow my neighbors shite. This is quite possibly the grossest fucking thing that I have ever experienced. Trust me, you never feel as humble as when you are cleaning up someone else's doodoo feces and toilet paper. From now on, the U.C. is going to be called the "Michael Jackson Memorial Utility Closet." All will be better if the Wild somehow score a motherfucking goal and beat the Avs. Oh, and I will be at Wrigley Field in six days. That fact is so sexual it makes me want to cry real big boy tears.

The Cuts(DooDoo Wap Is Strong In Here Edition):
X-Ray Spex-Germ Free Adolescents
Radiohead-Videotape
AC/DC-Highway To Hell
KISS-Ladies Room
Arcade Fire-Keep The Car Running.

I Slapbox with Jesus

Reggaeton is one of those musical abnormalities that had about 13 seconds in the sun (for a similar run, see Techno is 1997 or Power Pop in 1991) then faded back comfortably into its niche. The only reggaeton song I can name is "Gasolina" by Daddy Yankee, and I am pretty sure that is because a girl I had a crush on played it one night before we went group salsa dancing. Maybe that guy Pitbull is considered reggaeton, I don't really know. But I digress...

The reason that I bring this up is that my roomie Nathan A. Heck was reading a Mexican Telanueva magazine at work the other day and came across an ad for this gentleman:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=267695889

According to a chart in the Mexican Soap Opera Digest, our boy has the #4 hit in Mexico. Wow. I really don't know if this guy is black, white, Latino or something else, but calling yourself Nigga probably requires the biggest cojones I have ever encountered. Shit, I would never call myself Kraut, or Pollack if I was Polish. Or MC Wap if I was Italian. I'm just amazed by the name. And that reggaeton still has an audience.

We Will Rise From The Ashes

Fridley Cheapo has re-opened! It closed down on 3/29, re-opened sometime last week. Very confusing. When I asked the clerk about the situation, all I got was a "yes, we're open at least for today." I'm not sure that there has ever been a precedent for a retail establishment closing for a week and then reopening randomly like nothing happened. Seriously, they even had the new R.E.M and Black Keys CDs on the new release wall. All I do know is that I am incredibly pleased that I have a CD store less than five miles from my house once again. The thought of having to drive to Uptown for one CD kind of scared me.

In other news, I cannot stand that gas is $3.30 a gallon. Wasn't the liberation of Iraq supposed to drive down oil costs? Oh, and it's spring. Gas us supposed to go down in cost due to there being not as much need for heat. What exactly is happening here? And is there anyway to change it?

Jake Eickholt Wishes He Ran On Dunkin'

It's 9:30, the Twins look like shit, and I want a cup of coffee.

Not just any coffee. I want coffee with so much sugar and coffee blended into one unholy mess that my teeth feel like they are going to fall out. No simple Starbucks, McDonalds or god forbid, a Caribou will do. I want something from Dunkin Donuts.

But there are none anywhere near me. The closest Dunkin is in Milwaukee. And to think, just three years ago there was a Dunkin Donuts less than five miles from my house. What the fuck is with Minnesotans and their adverse reaction to chain stores? We don't get 7 Eleven, we get Super America. We didn't get Exxon or Shell until like five years ago. Instead, we got bullshit like People's Plus and Fina. I always feel like we are the bastard stepchild of the corporate world. "Oh they don't need a Sonic Drive Inn. They have A&W Hot Dogs and More!"

But back to the lecture at hand. Dunkin Donuts has some really overly caffeinated, overly sugared coffee. And right now, that would be just what the doctor ordered. Either that, or a croissant from Tim Horton's. When the hell are we gonna get one of those?

Mabye I'M Crazy (aka A Treatise On The Death Of The CD)

The death of the Compact Disc is closer than you would ever think. Most say that the CD will die within the next ten years, but after my experience tonight, I give it three years. Tops.

It all started last evening, when I started up iTunes and saw that the new Gnarls Barkley album "The Odd Couple" was for sale. I had read that it leaked, so I figured that it was releasing today. I was wrong. The music was only available via download, not in conventional CD form. I went to Target and they had none in stock. If Target can carry niche CDs by Vampire Weekend and MIA, I figured that they would have Gnarls (who went platinum last time out). Nope.

Turns out that the CD will be for sale as soon as it hits retail, that it went on iTunes due to the leak. I don't believe it at all. This was a test to see what kind of demand music will have when there is no physical product available. I know for a fact that Target, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, et al get media in about six weeks average before its release date. Most would have had the CD in stock. My theory is that Downtown Records told retail to sit on the CD for a week to see how well it would sell without the product being in stores. Think about how much the label could make by not having to ship anything, let alone produce artwork and casing. One gold selling CD could make a label a couple million dollars only being available in digital form. Obviously it is a good business model, but I feel cheated buying air and not having a physical product.

It all reminds me of when my dad went to buy an LP at Title Wave around 1988 or 89. The clerk told him he could order it for him for an extra $5, or he could just buy the cassette or CD which they had in stock. I remember how sad he was that vinyl was dead and how much he complained about cassettes and their inferior quality. That is the same way I feel about digital over CDs(or vinyl for that matter). It's the end of an era, and there's no turning back.

Voulez Vous Couchet Avec Moi, C'est Soi?

Goddamn, that chick that the Gov of New York paid money to bang is really, really hot. So hot that if I were a politician (or an installation coordinator) I would pay an exuberant amount of money to have sex with. I mean, really, she's right in the Jake Eickholt alleyway. Kinda Jew-y, brunette, and with just the right amount of Thicke. Oh "Kristen", I'm lost without you, can't help myself.

Closing Time, You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't...Stay...Here

Whilst at the gym tonight, sexy Julie Nelson told me in High-Def that the Legislature is trying to pass a bill allowing bars to be open an extra two hours during the month of the RNC in Saint Paul. I wasn't sure she said MPLS too (because I was too busy thinking about how I need to get High-Def to watch KARE 11 she-anchors) but I can only assume. If this were to happen, it would be right up there with obtaining a copy of "Bad Sister" in things that I wish would happen really soon. It would be so awesome to be a real city, I would feel like Drunknoccio and T-Paw would be my mulleted Gepetto. This would be colossal, to the point where I would have to take at least a week off of work and save up for cabs. Just imagine how much more drunker you could get in that extra two hours. People wouldn't go out until after midnight, Denny's would combust with the weight of drunken brahs, and hangovers would be the fashion of Fall! Sorry about the ranting, its just that I remember the days of 1 o'clock bar close and how bad that was on the fun. Four A.M would be an additional hour on Matchbox 20s second biggest hit even. Take that Rob Thomas!

In other news, I just read that the new Black Keys album was produced by Danger Mouse. This thing is going to be GIGANTIC!, like top ten Billboard gigantic. Honestly, the Black Keys are the only band that I hear generating any kind of buzz from the non-core of music freaks that I hang out with. When my dad asks about them, you know somethings up.

RIP Jeff Healy...what the hell is this Road House curse going around. First Healy dies, then Dalton gets pancreatic cancer...I just wish it was a curse of Point Break that only effected Lori Petty. That bitch always rubbed me the wrong way.

You're Making Me Sorry Somehow

Thanks for the shit ton of nicknames that you posted. There's for sure gonna be a Part II and a Part III...much like Rocky III, III's gonna be the best part. Now only if you could help me find this 90s porn called "Bad Sister"(lets say it features a mother/daughter team, Asia Carerre, and two "adopted sisters" performing Colonel Angus with ice cubes) my life would be complete. Hell, at this point I would settle for the Jill Kelly ESPN knockoff anchor porn where the head anchor says that women "don't know squat shit about football. They just think they knows that Dan Marino and John Elways cute."

I made sweet love to the record show this weekend, where I acquired the first three Turtles albums(re-released), an OG pressing of New York Dolls S/T, the Raspberries second album and the Jackson 5 "ABC". Good shit, and I also bought a rack for my records, so the step kids can breathe.

Oh, and finally, (mainly for Peter H. Quist and myself) I found the original copy of the Grant Hart City Pages article where he tries to rip Tim Pawlenty a new asshole but comes off as the most pretentious, uneducated 80s indie icon this side of Mike Watt. I think that this was the article that cemented my belief that "Zen Arcade" is incredibly overrated. Enjoy!
http://citypages.com/databank/25/1208/article11838.asp

What's My Nayayayayayayuhme?

I'm a mess, my friends are all messes, and I'm pretty sure my extended family are all messes. This is why we give the bit players in our lives nicknames. What makes it even more of a mess is that I'm not even sure other people do this. And even worse, I know that I do not know the good majority of the people's REAL names. Anyways, heres a few of the best ones, and how they came about.

"Gay Gusser"- This dude was some kid who used to go out with Milla and drink. He looked like The Gusser(Gus Johnson), dressed like the Gusser, but loved penis. He hung out with...

"Date Rape"-Date Rape told me that his TKE frat at the U threw killer parties where you could "just finger chicks and they were too drunk to care." He also hung out with Gay Gusser and wore pooka shells. Right, Brah!

"Joan Of Arcadia"-This was a crazy broad that Milla tried to set me up with. She looked like Joan Of Arcadia. I'm not going into details, but there was some cock blocking on my part, and some flaking out.

"Fetus Boy"-One of Millas boys(again). He looked like a fetus. He also rapped along to "Can I Kick It?", did the bus driver, and chased a car down Bryant Ave in his socks in January. All in the course of two hours. I often wonder what happened to Fetus Boy.

"That Whore_____Fucked"-For random whores who got fucked. Not for nice girls, or girls that were not fucked BUT other stuff was done with.

"Ghetto Fabulous(AKA Ghetto Frab or G-Fab)"-A white girl who looked like Mary J. I one time petted her leg and said "Is this shit Sean John?" which got my ear boxed. She also dressed like R Kelly on the cover of TP2.com.

"Teen Wolf"-A dude who looked like Teen Wolf. He made Karkov Screwdrivers, told ribald oral sex stories, and pulled a knife on Jeff. Probably because we were yelling "Teen Wolf" at him.

"Picture Me Rolland"-A strange cat who wanted to befriend me on MySpace but couldn't find me. Because my MySpace name isn't, oh, "Jake Eickholt".

"White Tupac" and "Harland Williams"-Brother pair at a party at Stacy's one month townhouse who were the biggest douche brother pair since the Maloofs. I watched White Tupac puke and pee on some guys house, then got flicked off when I laughed. Harland claimed he was Latin Kings and wanted to kill Christian for no fucking reason.

"Scarecrow Haircrow"-Stereotypical bad haired Valley Girl.

"Josh Bachman's Girlfriend"-Still don't remember her name. All I know is that she worked at Davannis.

"Ash Bash"-A girl that Milla hung out with who allowed us to have 70 people over to her stepdads McMansion. She got her name from the party, which was called "Ash Bash". The party was the only good thing. That and when Cody made out with her while a bunch of people laughed.

"Brewers Shirt"-Some fox that rocked a Brewers little league shirt. I still talk about how sexy Brewers Shirt was

"Andre The Giant"-A dude who looked like Andre Jr from "Final Fight". He also answered a question once with the line, "I don't know about that, but are we all gonna smoke these bomb nuggs that I have?" Very Zen.


And now, for the some of the most legendary nicknames of all time from back in the Farmin' Days! Thats right, its the...
EBHC DIVISION
"EmHead"-For the jerkoff catering director at the EBHC back in the day.

"The Mole"-For the other catering director there, Cory. He used to snoop around all the time and then tell on us when we stole shit from catering.

"Goblin Twins"-The janitorial staff who wasn't Tom Cooley at EBHC. One day, Tom Cooley will get a blog about him. The others won't.

"The Robots"-Two sexy catering chicks who will forever remain nameless

"Soup Layday"-MILF soup vendor.

"The Juicer"-If you don't know the Juicer now, you never will. As a matter of fact, I miss that little guy. I was just thinking about when Peter Harold yelled "In Uh Bottle" at him for 10 minutes straight the other day...

"Taytayboyo"-Oh, you'll experiment...I bet $100 that this came from porn GOAT TT Boy somehow.

"Doug E. Fresh"- Doug wanted to kill me very badly.

"John LeFemme"-Was once seen in close proximity with The Juicer.

"BJB"-Duh

"Church Grrls"-A group of churchy lafemmes who stunk up the joint.

"Boner or T-Bone"-For Mike T, who was the King of Jams.

Any others I've missed from those who have been a part of the insanity over the last decade?

Did You Realize That You Were A Champion In Their Eyes?

Fucking Wolves. 0-2 in games that I have attended this year. This is a direct contrast to what happened last year, when the Wolves beat the hell out of the Sonics and nipped the Spurs in the two games I went to. Oh well, lets hope that the "rebuilding year" doesn't last until 2010. That seems to be MN sports for you. A few years of excitement, followed by 10 to 12 years of not-even-middle-of-the-road play.

At least we have Big Al...

The Cuts!
"Temptation Eyes"-Grass Roots
"Two Brothers With Checks"-Ultramagnetic MCs
"Can't Stand Me Now"-The Libertines
"Apeman"-The Kinks
"Duffel Bag Boy"-Lil Wayne(I actually don't like this song when sober)

Baby, What A Big Surpirse

Best Buy has been treating me like a dirty little schoolgirl whore for the last few months. It used to be so good to me, giving me little things like new CDs for $7.99 and Madden for $35 bucks all the time. But lately we haven't been talking at all, and I have been seeing other stores (Half Price Books and Target have really been fufilling my every deviant desire). But then yesterday, out of nowhere, the Double B called me...and like a fool in love, I went back into his blue and yellow arms. The promise that brought me back? Gangster flicks for $5 each! I picked up The Godfather I and II, but they had tons of others too. And as if saying to me, "Hey Jake, your butt looks really good in those jeans AND is that a new shirt?" Big Blue (that's my pet name) offered me American Psycho for $4. Baby, to quote Sergio Mendes, I'm never gonna let you go, I'm gonna hold you in my arms forever.

The Cuts!(Every Time I Turn Around I'm Back In Love Again Edition)
-"She'd Rather Be With Me" The Turtles
-"Lover In The Snow" Rivers Cuomo
-"Think About Me" Fleetwood Mac
-"Ain't No Fun(If The Homies Can't Have None)" Snoop Dogg
-"Fooled Around and Fell In Love" Elvin Bishop

Will You Be My Valentine, When I'm A World Away?

February 14th has come and gone, and good Lord am I a better person for it. For some reason, this Valentine's Day seemed way more hyped than my previous 24. Because of this, those with actual Valentines were ever more annoying, and those without were much more unhappy. I'm not sure why anyone would care about one day over all the others to say "I love you." I truly believe in Valentines Day being a Hallmark bullshit holiday.

That is why I treated V-Day like it was just another Thrusday. I went to Old Chi, played "Monday Morning" by Fleetwood Mac on the jukebox, drank some beers and went to Cheapo. The best part of my day wasn't some candy or a card, but the kickass bottle opener I got for reaching 40 beers on the Beer Tour. Personally, I haven't had a Valentine for 4 years. And I really don't give a flying fuck. It doesn't make me sad, or lonely, or pathetic.

And I know that my mommie will always be my Valentine. I even bet there's a Whitman's Sampler with my name on it waiting at my parents house right now.

Super Stoopid

So I went over to the 'rents tonight, and my brothers and I were talking about sports. Not unusual. I mentioned how the Pats didn't meet the spread, and that cost Vegas huge and there were some grunts of agreement. Still not unusual, until my brother Jordan said, "so who exactly won the game?"

WHAT?

Turns out my brother had turned off the game after Moss scored in the 4th Quarter because he assumed the Pats would win. Somehow he has avoided seeing highlights or reading the paper for the last seven days (he works the third shift at UPS, so this is sort of understandable). In my brothers world, the New England Patriots were 19-0 for a week. The best part was that he has seen the Eli Manning "I'm going to Disney World" commercial multiple times, and just figured Brady or Moss didn't want to do it or that a Patriots helmet was shown at the end of the spot. All I have to say is, what the fuck?

Don't Ask Me, Ask Me, Ask Me How I've Been

How did the Pats blow the Super Bowl? How is Eli Manning going to be able to introduce himself for all time now as "Eli Manning, Super Bowl XLII MVP"? What the hell is going on in the world?

Oh, OK, I know that the Pats were sluggish and Brady was pressured beyond belief, but it wasn't supposed to end like this. Now we are going to have to hear Mercury Morris rants for the rest of time. You just know there is not going to be another undefeated team in NFL history. There is just way too much parity in the league. I guarantee that the Giants will not win the Super Bowl next year, and I give them a 50/50 chance of getting to the playoffs. Eli will come back down to Earth, realize that he is way to similar to Artie in "Whats Eating Gilbert Grape" to actually be a good QB, and all will be right with the world. Meaning, the Purp will lose in the second round and some bullshit NFC team such as, oh, lets say the Lions, will go to Super Bowl XLIII.

The Cuts(Super Ball Version):
"Be My Lover"-Alice Cooper
"Berlin"-Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
"Ocean Man"-Ween
"Don't Go Back To Rockville"-R.E.M
"She Belongs To Me"-Bob Dylan

These Drunken Hot Daddies

So fans, I got a new tattoo...kinda like Motley Crue's late period album, except mine doesn't suck. Its the Twins "TC" logo with an outline of the state of Minnesota. And then, the Twinks go and trade Johan. I give you my arm, and you give away yours.

And what do we get? Some prospects. Not Jacoby, not John Lester, not Philip Hughes, not Melky...but some unproven cats who may or may not contribute. We all know that Terry Ryan was known for trading his superstars at the pinnacle of their careers for minor league gold, but I'm a little worried Bill Smith isn't Terry Ryan. I hope the Twins know something I don't know. Look at the blockbuster trades in the past and how the superstar panned out (and what we got in return):

• Frank Viola to the Mets in 1989- Sweet Music had one more good year, and then his arm blew up. Meanwhile, the Twins got Rick Aguleria, Kevin Tapani and David West. All three were on the 1991 World Series winning roster, and all contributed.
• Chuck Knoblauch to the Yankees in 1998- Chuck won a few World Series, then had a nervous breakdown and hit Keith Olberman's mom in the face with a baseball from 20 feet away. Then he (maybe)roided up and has to testify before Congress. The Twins got Eric Milton and Christian Guzman, who were keys in the resurgence of the franchise. Way to go, Chuck!
• A.J. Pierzynski to the Giants in 2004-A.J. became the most reviled baseball player in years, but won a WS with the Sox...after the Giants booted his ass out of town. And the Twins got one of the top three closers in baseball (Joe Nathan), a starter (BOOOOOOOOF) and a phenom(Fransisco Liriano).

Hopefully Bill Smith learned something from his Jedi-Master Ryan in the trading department.

In other news...

I also obtained a bunch of vinyl recently, including The Turtles Greatest Hits. In my not-so-humble opinion The Turtles were the most underrated band of the 60s. They wrote amazing songs and even had the balls to release a concept album called "The Turtles In The Battle Of The Bands" where they played as a different band on each track. Also, half the band went on to play with Frank Zappa in the early 70's. Pretty impressive for a band that was considered bubblegum at the time.

2007- The Year In Music

Here it is, the 4th annual Jake Eickholt music year in review blog.

Singles of 2007:
"International Players Anthem” UGK/Outkast-When history digs up the best hip-hop collabs of all time, this will be right up there with “Rampage”, the “Get By” remix and “Scenario”. Andre tells us about the finer points of texting, Pimp C describes how he likes to get down (on top of the covers, always a condom), Bun B tries to find him a steady bitch and Big Boi discusses pulling out and child support. Oh, and the video is easily in the top five of all time.

“I’m A Flirt” R. Kelly w/T.I and T-Pain-The aural equivalent of the Beef and Sausage with sweet peppers and cheese whiz at Chris and Rob’s. There’s a lot of shit in there, you know its not good for you, you question your sanity when you take it in. But when you do, you find it delicious and magical. And it gives you heartburn. Bonus points for the video featuring the R. Kelly face being featured five times at least, T-Pain shaking like a retarded Tickle Me Elmo, T.I.s wearing his hat like Mick from “Rocky” and the crowning of “The King Of R’N’B” by hookers.

“Big Girls Don’t Cry” Fergie- It doesn’t matter who wrote it OR who preformed it. It’s catchy as hell and well crafted pop cheese. And yes, “London Bridge” was the worst song of 2006.
“Chelsea Dagger”-Four Scotts take their stage name from “The Goonies” and come up with one of the best wordless choruses since the mid 60s (when wordless choruses were all the rage).

“This Is For Real” Motion City Soundtrack- Local boys meet Ric Ockasek, Shiny keyboard riffs and emo man lyrics ensue. How can Fall Out Boy sell out arenas, and these guys can’t get anything but “next big thing” status?

“Wouldn’t Get Far” The Game w/Kanye West- The Game goes away from his usual badazz shtick to call out video ho’s. The Kanye delivers a hot beat and a fan fucking tastic guest verse about Ne-Yo, Geos and how many black foxes he’s bagged.

“Radio Nowhere”-Bruce is back, kicking radios ass and asking if anyone is alive anymore. If 1984 sucked as bad as 2007 did, this song could have been on “Born In The USA.”

“Do You Feel Me” Anthony Hamilton-Even though your song doesn’t have a question mark, I do indeed feel this lost soul gem that wasn’t actually lost at all (except by commercial radio, which felt the need to play “Crank That”).

“Men’s Needs” The Cribs- Morris Day was wrong. We like new wave.

“We’ve Got Everything”-What kind of fucked up year was it that Modest Mouse had a #1 album? And also, that Johnny Marr PLAYED on a #1 album that wasn’t released in the UK? Oh well, this was the best song on a pretty decent album

“She Moves In Her Own Way” The Kooks- Little ditty bout the perfect girl who cares about how her boy’s day went.

“Effect & Cause”-The songs that Jack White sings kinda like a girl are the best. It’s kind of like Jack would have had Meg sing this if she didn’t kind of suck at singing. Here’s to hoping for a Loretta Lynn cover in 2009!

“Hate It Here” Wilco-Wilco is like one of those Hershey’s grab bags old women buy, in good way. You’ve got your Mr. Goodbar (classic rock), your Krackel (blue eyed soul) and your dark chocolate Hershey’s (60s pop). This was the Krackel of “Sky Blue Sky’.

“No One” Alicia Keys- A song so catchy, so effortless, it would have topped the charts in 1957, 1967, 1977, 1987 or 1997.

“Smile” Lilly Allen-Cute little Brit gets all happy and sassy about her shithead ex being hurt over a sweet, vaguely Caribbean beat. A #1 in the UK that deserved better than #48 here.


Albums of the Year:
“Magic” Bruce Springsteen- It was a big year for a guy who has had a few of em. All of the sudden, indie rock tells us that the Boss really was the Boss, and the Boss says thanks. Then, he kicks all of their asses by making a classic rocker in the vein of “Born To Run” and “Born in the USA”.

“Because Of The Times” Kings of Leon- At this point in the game, it seems impossible for Kings of Leon to make anything but a rockin, kickass album. Yet, every album still seems fresh and not repetitive. And the bag of tricks expands with new sounds each time (listen to “Knocked Up” for an example).

“Graduation” Kanye West- So many hooks! So many classic lines (like I'll never be picture-perfect Beyonce/Be light as Al B or black as Chonce/Remember him from Blackstreet? He was as black as the street was). Really, what rapper samples Daft Punk and sells millions because of it besides Mr. West?

“Version” Mark Ronson- Famous Brit calls his famous Brit friends (Lilly Allen, Amy Winehouse, Robbie Williams) and takes modern songs and makes them sound like 60s soul with a little help from his American friends(the Dap-Kings). Awesome shit ensues.

“Yours To Keep” Albert Hammond Jr- Stroke Albert Hammond Jr took his dads big hit “It Never Rains in Southern California” a bit too litteraly and recorded an album full of smooth Cali pop that sounds a bit like his day job, but not too much so to make the whole thing redundant.

“Costello Music” The Fratellis- The album released in 2007 that would have felt most at home in 1977. There were lots of na-na-nas and duh-duh-duhs, and a lot of songs about chicks. And it was catchy as hell.

“Hip Hop Is Dead” Nas- All the shit hoppers claimed it was still alive. Then, Soulja Boy hit #1 on the Hot 100, making Nastradamus as real as Mountain Dew Code Red.

“A Weekend In the City” Bloc Party- An album so tender, so fey, that Morrissey must have thrown gladiolas at his CD player the first time he heard it.

“Finding Forever” Common- Common has become the rap equivalent of Kings Of Leon. He is incapable of releasing any less than a good album. This time, he raps about Obama, the crazy astronaut lady and “Finding Nemo”, and it all seems to make perfect sense.

Boxset/Reissues
“The Brit Box”- If you know me, this one gets a big DUH. Four discs of underground Brit music.

“Traveling Wilburys Collection”-A band that was such a super group that Jeff Lynne (who had something like 25 top 40 hits with ELO) is the forgotten one. With this much talent making the broth, you’d think the songs would be mediocre. One listen to “Handle With Care” or “Last Night” proves that really wrong. The fact that this was out of print until this year even made the AP newswire.

Concert:
Lollapalooza-Even though it wasn't as good as 2006, Lolla did have Pearl Jam as it's headliner, along with plenty of other good bands. And it is in Chicago. What could be better?

Sweetheart, Who Loved You From The Start?

Not much new on the home front. I have just been buying a bunch of CDs and eating a bunch of sour cream and chive cracker sandwiches. Oh, and I'm gearing up for Cloud Trip V. Its gonna be legendary.

Unfortunately, my life recently has consisted of work and work, with a liberal sprinkling of work on top of that. I work 50 hours at my day job this week and 16 at the Bucks. I really need money though, so it pays off. Oh, and I picked some dude (I didn't even bother to learn his name) from the help desk at work to quit, and it got me ten bucks in the work dead pool. I never win anything like that, except when I won the real people dead pool in 2006 by guessing, unfortunately, that the Twins PA guy would die.

Be on the lookout for the best of 2007 list this weekend(hopefully).