The Tao of Kenny Rogers

Half Price Books holds many books in its hallowed walls. I am sure somewhere in its musty, lusty confines it even has a bible. But what was found there today trumps all these books. Strangely, it wasn't even a book. It was an audio document of how to be a man, nay, be THE MAN.

This meisterarbeit was called "Kenny Rogers 20 Greatest Hits".

Now before you get all highfalutin hipster on me and say "Kenny Rogers fucking sucks," let me tell you why Mister Rogers songs are a template on how to live a richer, fuller life. I am going to limit the Tao of Kenny to ten lessons, but there are more. Take this as a beginners guide to the Bearded Chicken Slinging Gideon.

1) Don't fall in love with a dreamer. Cause he'll break you every time (from Don't Fall In Love With a Dreamer)
Pretty self explanatory. Level headed or crazy partners are the best. Because dreamers are unrealistic and will break the fuck out of your stride.

2) If a crazy hot chick is at the bar and takes off her wedding ring, go drink whiskey with her (from Lucille)
Bonus points if the chick's husband comes in and bitches about how she left at an inopportune time (say when there are four hungry kids and crops going to shit). You then do what Kenny did and dismiss this guy as a pussy and take the broad to a no tell motel to totally do some nasty cougar hucklebuck. And probably steal her Pall Malls afterwards.

3) Never let a 16 year old Ginger stripper dominate your life (from Scarlett Fever)
Sure, we all like going to strip clubs called the Lucky Star and falling for girls who claim they are older than they are. But we never let them be a proxy for are lifelong dreams. Cause one day they are going to chase their own dreams without you, and you will be left a lonely, broken shell of a man. Possibly with a deadly fever.

4) Drink cheap booze, because it somehow is sweeter than the top shelf shit (from Life or Something Like It)
According to Kenny the cheaper wine is somehow sweeter than the good stuff. Although he may be referring to the woman who is trashy and who is accompanying him to a no tell motel (Again with the cheap motels Kenny? Do you not have a Holiday Inn in your magic town?). This advice loses some credence though because it is set to a beat that vaguely recalls "Margaritaville".

5) If your girlfriend is sexually assaulted, beat the shit out of the perpetrators. Even if your dead daddy told you not to (from Coward of the County)
Kenny knows that fighting is wrong. Mainly because his dad died in prison for fighting. But sometimes not fighting gets you called a pussy. And it makes marauding bands of Brothers Gatlin feel the need to pull a rape train on your girlfriend. Even though your daddy may have made you promise on his deathbed not to fight, sometimes you have to go to the local bar (where the Gatlin's gather, natch), lock the door, and fuck those Crackers up while the other patrons watch. That will show em who's a coward. And it will show great Dalton-in-Road House-like restraint. Because any other man would kill those raping bastards.

6) When crippled in the war, don't trust broads named Ruby. Because they will totally fuck other dudes (from Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town)
Make sure you know who is loyal to you. Because sometimes shit happens. Like getting paralyzed in Vietnam. And when you come back, your lady may want to screw everything and anything with her painted up face because the tackle doesn't work the same. Trust your base instincts and get your shotgun and "put her in the ground" if she can't stay with you for the few months you have left to live. After all, you just need some company.

7) Sing duets with hellafine 80s chicks (see Don't Fall in Love With A Dreamer and We've Got Tonite)
Always pick duet partners who don't fit with you (Sheena Easton's fine Scotch ass? Kim "Bette Davis Eyes" Carnes?). Because its more fun to dance into the unknown sometimes. But don't duet with chicks named Dottie West. Because that just may suck...

8) Let love turn you around and lift you (from Love Will Turn You Around and Love Lifted Me)
Love can truly turn you around. Especially if it is sung as the theme from a movie about Stock Car racing featuring Diane Lane. And love can lift, especially if sung about in a raspy, mannish yet soothing voice.

9) Heed the words of formerly funky ass black dudes (see Lady)
If Lionel Richie comes to you with a song about a lady, you sing the fuck out of that song. Because those in the know know that LR is not only beloved by Islamic men (and may be the key to ending the War on Terr)but also can write a country song better than anyone else (for those doubters, pleeeeeese YouTube "Stuck on You" and "Sail On"). Sometimes, that song may even go to #1 and become your biggest pop hit.

10) Listen to dying men on trains (from The Gambler)
Train trips suck I bet, with all that jostling and staring at cornfields. So if some dude who is wheezing and coughing comes up to you and notices you are out of aces, give him some of your hooch if he asks for it. Because he may impart you with advice such as "you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run." This may be the most universal, succinct and brilliant life path ever put down in a pop song.

There you go. Use these ten tips as a starting point, not an endpoint, on discovering the Tao of Kenny. Take it to heart, and LIVE!!! I just may drop in to see what condition your condition is in from time to time...