When one thinks of fast food, one thinks quick, cheap, good, but a little slutty. Or at least that is what I think. I always feel like I looked at some really messed up internet lovin' after I eat a Big Mac. Sure I feel satisfied and great, but I sort of hate myself afterwards. So recently, I cut down on the fast food to once a week. Subway, Jimmy Johns, Quiznos, and Chipotle are excluded because they are like a comitted relationship, not the sleazy trysts that await at Maca Dons.
This lack of fast food in my life has got me thinking about limited time offerings that I have had over the years. Some, like the late beloved McCheddar Melt, will live in imfamy in my brain. Others, like the Cuban Sandwich I had at Subway today, are on my no-fly list. Here are a few others that broke my cholesterol choked heart:
The Arch Deluxe - McDonalds dropped this bomb on us in the mid-90s. The Arch Deluxe was supposed to make baby boomers eat McDonalds at times when their whiny kids didn't want it. The sandwich was a failure, probably due to over advertising (I specifically remember getting free coupons in Sports Illustrated for a month for free sandwiches). My whole family also got food poisoning from these bad boys, probably due to the shitty djon sauce they used on the crappy potato bread roll.
Any Grilled Stuft Burrito - Who the hell came up with this idea? The press (so magical with the quesadilla) burns the shit out of the burrito, so every flavor consists of char and bean. Negative bonus points for the Ceasar Wrap Burrito T-Bell tried a few years ago. Nothing says awesome like grilled fucking lettuice.
The Cuban Sandwich - Subway dropped the ball with this one. The Cuban is a bland Islamic/Jewish nightmare sammich in general(nothing but pork on pork, much like the Rosanne-Tom Arnold union). Subway's bland way with things make eating this taste like munching mustard coated sawdust. Even sexy ass red onions couldn't save this 12" Titanic.
Ribs at Burger King - I never tried these things, but Burger King gets me sick as all hell when I eat there for some reason. So I assume the ribs there had to blow. I mean, come on! McDonalds doesn't do foie fucking gras. Stick to your guns, Whopper Land!
The Bert Burger - When I found out about the Bert Burger I was super amped. Wendy's used to have a melt burger back in my college days with Thousand Island that killed. And what was that on Bert's eponymous burger? Yep, 1-0-0-0 Island! Too bad they used just a little dollop, and the huge ass bun soaked it all up. It just goes to show, don't be shy with that sauce!
Honorable mention goes to the Double Down at KFC, even though I believe they were being hipster ironic and daring fatasses to eat the thing. As a large American with a weakness for MSG and irony, I tried it. And it blew, but I knew that deep down in my being going into it. It was sort of like watching a Dane Cook movie. No substance, but high ironic comedy.
Thoughts, feelings, suggestions?
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