My Hands Are Small, I Know

I saw the new Jewel video today, and I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person in America who still thinks this. but I really want to bang Jewel. I have had a thing for 'Ol Snaggletooth since 1998, when I saw her on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and got kicked out of Ms. Rudys class for commenting on Jewels "tremenjous breasts." Spectacular.

To the asshole who opposed the Twins, Vikings and Gophers stadiums in the Thursday Star Tribune Editorial page: Go to hell, you fucking retard. This d-bag had the audacity to say that he wanted a laminated card with the outlines of Anoka and Hennepin counties so he wouldn't spend his hard earned money there. This is like those stupid tree hugging bitches who only shop at the Wedge because they don't support big business. Do these fucking morons realize that a downtown stadium will bring in millions? And a stadium will make a hilljack part of Anoka County an actual city? There was one guy who opposed the tax because he would waste $600 over 30 years. I will make a deal with that dude if I ever see him. I propose this: How bout I give him that $600 dollars over the course of 30 years if I can beat the shit out of him once a year with a Torii Hunter model bat? Because I would rather see some ass get the shit kicked out of him then lose the Twins. Its that simple.

And those stupid assholes who say it takes away from education funding? They can go to hell also. I went to public school for 12 years, and guess what? Public schools are corrupt as shit. At Champlin Park, we had no idea where our parking lot funds went. The sports teams were outfitted with professional equipment on money that, technically, could have went to the freaking textbooks or something. But you know what, the teachers who teach at most public schools wouldn't know how to use them, because they are incompetent and burned out on teaching. The only reason that you couldn't miss more than seven days at Champlin Park a quarter was so the district wouldn't lose out on funding. For what? Soy burgers and texts that, I shit you not, said "Electronic Mail is coming!" and were from the early 80s? And don't get me started on all the funding that went to the new Walker and Orpheum. Yeah, athletes get paid a lot, but the enjoyment pro sports teams bring to the people is worth 3 cents on every 20 dollars spent. And yes, I will be paying, because I live in Hennepin County and work in Anoka County.