Check Out The Hook

VH1 was running the Best Songs of the 1990s countdown tonight, and it felt like Super Nintendo, Crystal Pepsi and Tato Skins. Ah, memories. What was shocking was the huge differences in the songs from 1990 and 1999. Hearing songs like "Ice Ice Baby" and "Vision Of Love" makes one think of the 80s and not the 90s at all. It doesn't seem like there is such a disconnect today. Songs from the early part of this decade (lets say "Shake Ya Ass" by Mystikal and "Independent Women Part I" by Destinys Child for example) don't sound all that different from whats currently topping the charts. Has pop music stalled?

Oh, and for your laughing pleasure...
http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/

Simply, Having, A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME

Oh Paul, how you got more Japanese to harikari than Hirohito with your inane ditty I will never know...

Its Christmas, but it feels like January. Except for the fact that the Purp still have a chance at winning the Super Bowl.

Seeing as how it is time for Jolly Saint Nick, there has been a lot of Christmas songs floating around in the ether. I heard "Fairytale of New York" by the Pouges at Jaros on Friday, and when I said it was the best Christmas song ever, I was roundly shot down. Also heard "All I Want For Christmas Is You" at the record store yesterday and got shot down for saying it gets me amped. Am I the only one who doesn't get grabbed by the shorthairs when I hear drivel like "White Christmas" and "Come All Ye Faithful"? Those old boring songs just get me depressed. Give me George Michael singing about how hes gonna give his heart to a special dude any day!

I Often Drift When I Drive

For those not in the know, my work day is usually a 60/40 split between the warehouse doing QA on POS systems and doing paperwork, answering emails and whatnot at my desk. That 40 percent is usually a glorious time because I can bump whole albums without too much distraction. That allows me to think about said album intensely in between making work orders.

While playing "12 Golden Country Greats" by Ween today, I got to thinking about the one. No, not a girl. The one is the one bad track that can almost ruin a good or great disc. In Weens case, its the song "Fluffy". It is fucking terrible, so bad that it nearly ruins the perfect joke country of the rest of the jams. (Side note, Ween had a perfectly awesome song called "Booze Me Up and Get Me High" recorded for this album, but went with the Corkey on downers "Fluffy". Damn)

"Fluffy" did get me to thinking...what other albums are nearly ruined by one bad song? Here are a few I thought of off the top of my head:

-"Something/Anything" by Todd Rundgren
Almost Ruined by: That part where he talks about recording hiss. What kind of self indulgent shit is this? Seriously.

-"Dookie" by Green Day
Almost Ruined by: "Emenius Sleepus". I remember getting this CD in 1994 and bumping it hardcore while playing NBA Jam TE. I also remember hating this song because of the title alone. Listening to it now I still hate it (even though it is kinda catchy) just because of the title.

-"Born In The USA" by Bruce Springsteen
Almost Ruined by: "Working on the Highway". Why would you put this on an album full of fire? Just cheesy, nonsense rockabilly with the worst organ line since Dave "Baby" Cortez.

-"On A Wire" by The Get Up Kids
Almost Ruined by: "Campfire Kansas." Any song that starts off "Woke up at 8, started a fire" is bound to fucking blow. I remember these guys playing this in concert back in the day and hating the band for about 6 months for boring me with this drivel.

-"The Great Adventures of Slick Rick" by Slick Rick
Almost Ruined by: "Indian Girl (An Adult Story)." If I want stupid stories about crabs banging on drums and shit, I will throw in a Too Short album good sir. Almost negates the impact of "Children's Story" and "Hey Young World".

And don't get me started on songs that actually RUINED an album. Case 1: I haven't listened to the second Eagles Of Death Metal album in two years because of that Baby Duck song. Honest.

I Can't Sleep At Night, I Toss And Turn, Listening For The Telephone

The following paragraph sums up why I am still having a torrid love affair with Wikipedia:

"Every Little Step" is a single released by R&B singer Bobby Brown in 1988 on the MCA label. It had a cultural impact comparable to Michael Jackson's 'Billie Jean', only on a smaller scale. The video featured Brown twisting, turning, and spinning, creating a new era for dancers from the local clubs to the school dances. The video also featured Brown's stair step haircut that became the norm for urban blacks across the country

Only on the good ship Wiki would someone feel the need to discuss "Every Little Step" and its cultural impact, and then top that off by comparing said impact to "Billie Jean".

And don't ask me why I find shit like this. You only need to know I go on "rolls" where one thing on Wikipedia leads to another, like the Fixx.

Ballin On A Budget

New week, new trip to HPB in St Louis Park. Four CDs for Four Bucks! "Sweet FA" by Love and Rockets (Sweet Lover Hangover kicks ass), a Suede EP, Barry White's Greatest Hits and "Olympian" by Gene. Someone was selling a shit ton of Brit Pop. Plus, tons of finds at the record show on Saturday, and my brother and mom found me "The Roots Come Alive" on vinyl at Spanish Harlem, so a good week for cheap dirty music.

The new "Office" tonight was really uncomfortable. I enjoyed the little laughs (like Dwight talking about his mustard colored shirt) but overall it was just really uncomfortable. I mean, the old episodes were the same way but it seemed light hearted at points also. I think "30 Rock" may be overtaking it as the best thing on NBC on Thursday nights. Besides "Kath and Kim". Oh wait, that show fucking sucks, but I can't turn away because it is done up in pastel and Selma Blair is strangely hot.

"Chinese Democracy" on Saturday night. I hope that Best Buy is open cause I want to have a few beers and head over there and experience probably the last music related cultural event of my lifetime. Because, lets face it, no other band will dredge up this kind of excitement unless they dig up the Mighty KC or Brad Nowell in the next few months. Plus, this will (and I repeat WILL) be the last time a group of people queue up for a CD. Why hang with the unwashed masses when I could download it off iTunes, they will all say...

Holiday, It Would Be So Nice

The other night while at the Champlin Holiday, I got super amped when I heard "I Heard A Rumour" by Bananarama over the Muzak. It got me to thinking...why do I love shitty 80s pop music? I mean, everything that sounds oversynthed and garbage sounds like ear candy to me. From Rick Astley to "I Should Be So Lucky" by Kylie Minouge, I drink their Aqua Net milkshake, I drink it up.

Sometimes I think I am the only straight American who likes incredibly gay catering British pop music.

In other music news, "Chinese Democracy" finally drops in a little under two weeks. I will be the first in line, if only to support the man who sang on "It's So Easy". And I think I have made myself like the title track, deluding my brain into thinking its a combo of "You Could Be Mine" and "Nighttrain" but not even 1/10th that kickass.

Can You Dig It...Yes We Can!

So the long national nightmare is over. Within three months, this whole Republican nonsense of the last eight years will be gone (at least the people will be gone) and a more level headed, less narrow sense of thought will be in Washington. This is the best day I have had in some time, even though I got my ass chewed at work. Someone could have laid a huge Sir Duke in my Corn Flakes and I wouldn't have cared...because Barack Obama is President. Say it, let it linger. No more of this "Dubbya" nonsense. Thank whatever deity you may choose.

Oh, and thank you to Michelle Bachman for winning. Your politics are crazy and no where in tone with what I think, but I have just discovered your sexy. The crazier you talk, the hotter you are.

PS-Thank YOU CNN, with your hologram of Will.I.Am talking to Anderson Cooper on a gigantic US map. Talk about jumping the shark. How about "Gramming the Pea"?

Prissy Prancin/Biko Toughen Up

To this boy, there is nothing better than scuzzy, sexy, lets drink-a-fifth of Jack and play pinball rock and roll. This boy says thank god for Josh Homme and Jesse Hughes and their playing as Eagles of Death Metal on "Heart On".

The Devil (Hughes) and the Baby Duck (Homme) first kicked me in the scrote with "Peace Love Death Metal" nearly five years ago. That album was all about Whorehoppin, apple wine, fucking the devil and Gerry Rafferty. Needless to say, it is one of my most favoritiest discs ever. Then came "Death By Sexy" which had the better album title but weaker songs (prime example: the god-awful "The Ballad of Queen Bee and Baby Duck"). I will admit, I didn't know what to expect with "Heart On".

Hughes was quoted in Rolling Stone saying he wanted his new album to sound like the Stones buttfucking Devo. That pretty much sums it up. The latest one is the glammiest toughest sissiest shit, plain and simple. It gets back to prancin, pants, LA and torpedos. But, unexpectedly, it gets tender as fuck with "Now I'm A Fool". Sometimes, the jokiest motherfuckers can write some effecting stuff (see:Ween). Anyways, I digress. And I need this, like I needed the Toadies and old Stones and any other rock that can make me want to fight and dance and ride into a biker bar dressed like Rob Halford except less gay.

Speaking of slightly effeminate yet rugged, I am also taken by the new Bloc Party disc "Intimacy". Truth be told, the first two songs scared me because they were so tough and ready to scrap it up in some West End back alley, with their talk of drunk rumbles and mercury being in retrograde. But by the time "Halo" and "Biko" roll around, the album is a grade-A Morrissey style poncefest. Best quote "You took your watch off when we made love/You never wanted to share your time with anyone else." The third Bloc Party homerun in a row.

We're On A HPB Tour, With Jacob My Man

The second annual HPBT was held last Saturday all around the MPLS metro. The HPBT stands for Half Price Books Tour and it consisted of me and a few friends going to every conceivable Half Price Books location and shopping for entertainment media. You can get quite a haul for the price of a 12 banger of Pabst, and being cheap and broke, that is the only way I roll these days. Anyways, here is the breakdown of my purchases (with reviews) from this last weekend...

Adam and the Ants-"Dirk Wears White Sox"
I've been on a huge New Wave kick lately, and I have always appreciated ridiculous British Pop Music. Plus, I bought "Friend or Foe" on vinyl and found it respectable recently. I wasn't prepared for this one, though. DWWS sounds kind of like a bastard combo of Joy Division and the Cars. Really dark and murky, with songs about the Kennedy Assassination and decay. And it has "Physical" (which I came to love and know via NIN). B+

Bob Dylan-"New Morning"
I love Dylan, especially when he's playing it straight, so New Morning is right up my alley. "If Not For You" is strikingly beautiful, and "Went To See the Gypsy" is the only Dylan I can think of that references the home state directly. Plus, "The Man in Me" (the song I bought it for and which was featured in "The Big Lebowski") is really happy which makes me smile for Ol' Bobby.
A

Whiskeytown-"Pneumonia"
Good album for the $3 I paid for it, but it suffers from what I like to call Ryan Adam syndrome. This occurs when I hear a Ryan Adams song, love it, and forget everything about it 10 minutes later. Don't get me wrong, I really like the works of Misseur Adams. I just pull a Michael McDonald every time I listen to him and keep forgettin' (with the exception of "Gold", "Rock N Roll" and parts of "Love Is Hell" that don't involve political scientists). I also have RAS when I listen to Bright Eyes, Galaxie 500 and some indie rap. B-

Steve Forbert-"Jackrabbit Slim"
I fiddy cented this bastardo for the awesome "Romeo's Tune" and ended up liking the whole thing. Forbert had kind of a Dylan crossed with a more bad assed, throaty Jackson Browne thing going on. B

John Lennon and Yoko Ono-"Double Fantasy"
Another fiddy cent find. This album makes me pretty sad. I mean, if you get down to it, the concept (an album of love songs between a rejuvenated couple) is pretty interesting. Plus, the John songs are REALLY life affirming. The Yoko songs are even pretty good, not what I was expecting (think a pretty cool post punk band fronted by a crazy Japanese lady). Still, the fact that Lennon was shot as this album was on the charts will always haunt it. B

The Very Best of Hank Williams
I really only bought this for the cool cover. I already have the Hank anthology on CD. I know whats on it, and even though it doesn't have "Move It On Over" (call it Pre-Pre-Punk or maybe "woodshed rock") its still got "Your Cheatin Heart" and "Jambalaya". A

I also purchased "Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung" by Lester Bangs. I'm about 80 pages in, and its a mindfuck of a read.

The Sweetness Will Not Be Concerned With Me

Came across this on Rick Riley's column on ESPN.com...

In 2004, when Mike Ditka considered running against him for Senate, Obama—remembering how Ditka let William Perry score a Super Bowl TD instead of Walter Payton—said that "anybody who would give the ball to Refrigerator Perry instead of Sweetness doesn't have very good judgment."

I totally agree. This is the biggest blemish on Mike Ditkas professional record (besides co-starring in Kicking and Screaming) and Obama is totally right in criticizing it.

God, football in the 1980s was awesome. The Giants, Bears, Skins and Niners were all so badass, even the Vikings had Tommy Kramer's drunk ass along with a killer D. You just don't get the feeling of bad assedness from the NFL these days (except from Ray Lewis, which I ain't gonna touch).

But really, Ditka as a senator? Really?

You're A Real Tough Cookie With A Long History

Some men head to the bar to check out dime pieces, some go to the gym. Still, some go to the local Dairy Queen after 9PM on summer night (sadly, those men are probably in jail). Me, I hit up none of these haunts of perversion. I scope the aisles of my local Super Target.

As I have documented many times before, I would marry Target if she were a flesh and blood woman. But now I actually see women at Target (instead of meth heads and those with the food stamps, like in Fridley). Not like I would approach any of them, I just like to check out the chicas while I buy my generic pizzas and canned pasta stuffs.

Series Prediction: Phillies in 6 (or 7). Both teams are just too evenly matched, but the Phils will pull it off because they are the more veteran team. But the fact that the Rays may be good for the next five to ten years.

Oh, and fire Childress.

Double oh, look for recently purchased music reviews on Thursday.

Tiger Tiger Woods, Y'all

I haven't played video games much lately. I don't know, it seems like Wikipediaing Danish foodstuffs seems more fun most days. But, since all the consoles (360, PS3 and Wii) in my house are hooked up to one of the big TVs now, I figured I should give games a chance again. So, being the broke ass I am, I picked up Tiger Woods Golf for $15 at my local Blockbuster.

So far, I've only played for a couple of hours, but it seems really good. I picked John Daly and went like 14 over par (which is 6 better than I did the last time I went real people golf). The most interesting part was the create-a-player mode that the game features. I created someone who looked almost exactly like me, right down to the bags under the eyes and the ever so handsome stubbled face. It was creepy, it was beautiful, it was somehow life affirming.

It did get me to thinking what a 16 year old Jake would have done with this feature though. I am pretty sure I would have made the sexiest she-golfer ever. Or, I would have done what I did in WWF Attitude (the first game I played with C-A-P) and created Jose Tarronoski and Paul Tulay, two of the Earle Brown Crew Chief greats.

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

I fell in love today with a sandwich shop. It took me in, kept me sheltered from the storm much like Bobby Dylan and fed me well. That shop was Pastrami Jack's in Minnetonka.

I enjoyed the three sandwich sampler platter (a pastrami, a corned beef and chopped liver) which came with a huge potato pancake and all you can eat pickles and slaw. Holy shit was it amazing. The beef was just the right kind of fatty, and the bread perfect. I honestly had never had chopped liver before, and it wasn't mind blowing, but it was good (kind of sweet, kind of salty).

Oh, on a non processed Jewish Delicatessen front, I am almost completely moved into the house in Crystal. It has blown coming home from work every night and trying to straighten my room up, but it is almost done. Too bad I have to spend 16 bones on pegs for my CD shelves (I lost the other ones in the move).

Boy Versus Girl In The World Series Of Love

The Twins broke my fucking heart last night. I will maintain and be ready to come crawling back to them next Spring though...

Here are my picks for the Playoffs:

Phillies over Brewers in 5
Cubs over Dodgers in 4

Rays over Sox in 3
Angels over Sox in 5

Cubs over Phillies in 5
Angels over Rays in 7

Cubs over Angels in 7

I did these this morning around 7:30 (before the Cubbies got trounced). I still stand by them, but I haven't been right in ten years, so hey!

Anthony's Song (Part 4)

Busy ass weekend. Spent all day Saturday and all day Sunday moving into the house in Crystal. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the kids moved in because I lost the pegs for their home (CD shelf). I still have no fucking clue where they could have went, so I have 2000 CDs laying in boxes until I can find some sort of alternate solution. But, its nice. A lot more room and a much better layout than the New Brighton pad. Still I will miss all the good times that were had there...

In non moving news, the Twins are killing me. I pray that the Tigers can end the Sux tomorrow, because I hate one game playoffs and I want to go into the post season with a few days rest.

This postseason seems really anti-climatic. I think it is because the Yankees didn't make it, and the east coast media now has nothing to go apeshit over. Plus, there is no favorite. I think we are going to have a Red Sox-Cubs World Series though, with the Cubs winning in 7 (I will have a full playoff preview when the Central is decided).

My Sex Is On Fire

Whew, this was one of those whirlwind weekends that seemed like it lasted five minutes. Friday was spent at Gasthofs (for about an hour) and Jaros for a few Greenies (felt like 10 minutes, was probably 3 or four).

Woke up Saturday hung over as fuck to pack up the kids (CDs) and step kids (vinyl) for the voyage up 100 this week. Ate a salad and a dubby chubby, then went up to Mayslacks for a joyous reunion with Peter-San, Russ, Roast Beef and Hookers N Blow. Good times for those who showed, and as usual, the beef was amazing.

Woke up today hung over again, went to the Dome to watch the Purp lay the bitch slap down on the Panthers. Gus looked good, AP looked tentative (and may have cost me my fantasy game) and I'm in good spirits again.

And Tuesday, new Kings of Leon. "Sex On Fire" is slowly creeping up the Modern Rock and iTunes charts, so there is hope for amazing music to be popular again.

Sarah P is President

What the hell is going on with the election? I thought Obama was the savior, everyone wanted to vote for him because he had the ideas and charisma. I guess that putting a woman on a ticket makes you electable as shit, because McCain suddenly is in the lead. Are you ready for four more years of the same bullshit (or worse HELLO IRAN!) just because of a novelty?

Sarah Palin is not qualified to lead this country. She has been governor of a marginal state for a year and a half, and before that she was the mayor of a small town. And yet, at the gym yesterday (in between staring at Rhianna and staring at the Twins losing) I saw Sarah Palin taking the lead in a "town hall" style meeting with McCain.

I'm starting to think that Palin was McCains only hope, the sugar on the medicine, and when "they" get elected she will get pushed to the back. Then those who voted based on the novelty of the fact that they thought a woman was going to lead will be sadly mistaken by an inexperienced Veep and a war hungry man in the On Golden Pond years of his life.

I Feel It In The Air, The Summers Out Of Reach

Summer was murdered in one fell swoop this weekend by the NFL and the cold temps in Brainerd. I know that Summer is usually over with Labor Day and the start of school, but last weekend was so damn warm that I didn't feel it. But, by going up to Milla's cabin this weekend and experiencing the sharp sting of 40 degree temperatures, I now know Fall is here.

The only thing I have to look forward to in the Fall is the MLB Playoffs and NFL Football. Otherwise, I get really down in the Fall and don't roll out of my Terry Funk until November.

But, I'm going to try to change that this year somehow. No more Fall talk...as of now.

Milla's cabin was a good time. A lot of Miller Lite was consumed, and Kori made us all a kick ass cake and some Hobo Dinner which I consumed with much gusto. I also picked up a Silverchair CD (Diorama) at the Goodwill in Brainerd for $2, which turned out to be quite the investment. "Diorama" features orchestration by Van Dyke Parks (who produced/worked on classic Beach Boys LPs) which means it sounds very chamber-poppy. Cool CD, and all the better for 2 bones. I also picked up 2 ELO albums for $5, and the new Dr. Dog kicks some ass also. Seeing as how fundage is a little tight these days, cheap music is ganz fantastich.

Don't Bring Me Down, Bruuuuce?

To use a little Cliff Clavin, its a little known fact that there is an ELO tribute band called ELNo. As of 2 PM yesterday, I had no idea someone would pay tribute to Jeff Lynne (who's career was mainly a tribute to the Beatles and Roy Orbison). As of 2 AM yesterday, however, I had seen the tightest cover band I have ever seen.

Lee's Liquor Lounge was the venue, and it was pretty empty for the Thin Lizzy cover band Jailbreak (basically the reason that I went anyways). They did a good "Cowboy Song" and, like all Thin Lizzy cover bands I have seen didn't play "The Boys Are Back In Town". Anyways, I almost decided to make a border run when I found out Nate and his lady were going to come up for ELNo. And I was glad I stayed.

It seems really hard to pull off an ELO song live. There are strings, vocal effects, vocal layers upon layers and about 14 different keyboard effects in each song. Yet ELNo pulled it off. All the big hits sounded like the records, with the exception being "Telephone Line" where the vocals were a little off. And the mix of oldsters, hipsters and gay guys was interesting people watching. Oh, and 5/6ths of the band rocked afro wigs and Aviators and billed themselves as "Jeff Lynne #1-5". I definitely need to see these guys again.

Volga Boat Song

So Labor Day is nearly upon us. What the fuck does Labor Day exactly celebrate? Me working? I think that is their (by their, I mean the government) idea. If that actually is the case, then why do we not get a whole week off? I'm confused, but I guess I shouldn't look a gift holiday in the mouth?

Doesn't a holiday honoring the worker seem a little Commie to you? And whenever I think of Commies, two things pop into my head...the Miracle on Ice and Kyle Olson reading "The Communist Manifesto" out loud to the Chinese workers at the Northtown China Buffet in high school. I guess coming of age at the very end of the Cold War can kind of do that sort of thing to you.

According to my gay lover Wikipedia, Labor Day was going to be celebrated on May day like the Reds did. So I was right. But the entry is still vague as hell, so I really don't know why we are getting time off still. Oh well, at least Milla Cabin V is on track for the weekend after...