I Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Hate I Hate My 30s

Holy shit VH1s "I Hate My 30s" is terrible. I sat down thinking I'd be at least slightly amused, but within the first five minutes I decided that Heath Ledger going Brokeback on me would be more appealing(not to mention funnier). The show has absolutely nothing redeeming going on for it, one of the characters looks like my Aunt Jenny(who has had six kids)and is supposed to be a sex symbol, and one of the characters is trying to rip off Booger from "Revenge Of The Nerds." I honestly can say I thought "Schlinder's List" was funnier, and that was the most sober movie of all time. Oh, and they close the show with a PSA with an animated fox telling them not to drunk dial if they are married. Bombs over Baghdad!

The Cuts!
Love Plus One-Haircut 100
Uncertain Smile-The The
A New England-Billy Bragg
Banquet-Bloc Party
Gimme Some Water-Eddie Money

Scandal-The Warrior(Or Maybe the Warriors?)

Mr.Benesh asked for it, and here it goes: I always knew that the NBA was not, per se, fixed, but that something fishy was going on. It's not even a gambling thing. The way it works is that big name players have always gotten ridiculous calls. I am not exactly sure why this happens(my theory is that the NBA kind of nudges the refs to let the KGs, AIs and Lebrons of the sport score more). What I am sure of is that this happens in all pro sports, and it has gone on forever. Greg Maddox's strike zone was always wider than Frankie Rodriguez's, and Gretzky basically changed the way a NHL game was played and called (he was the littlest guy out there, and basically off limits). So all sports leagues are flawed, but a ref actually calling T's to get one team to shoot more fouls to cover the spread (like supposedly happened in the Knicks-Heat game earlier this year) is fucking crazy. I just hope that this doesn't expand into other refs. I actually have started to watch the NBA much more closely after about a ten year slacking off period, and this would kill all the new enthusiasm that I picked up for it in the last two years.

The Cuts!
Lady Don't Tek No- Latryx
Bombers-Gary Numan
Calley Oh-Billy Squier
International Players Anthem-UGK/OutKast
Smoke Rings In The Dark-Gary Allan

The Curse Of Ragnar

The last two weeks of my life have been spent doing pretty much nothing, nada, zippo. I work my workweek and I come home and do one of two things:
1.Watch TV
2.Read

One book I just finished was Now I Can Die In Peace by Bill Simmons. The book is a fantastic read about one Red Sox fan and his obsession with his team that some call "cursed." Simmons never subscribes to the curse, and when the Sox finally won it all in the magical summer of 2004, Simmons gets pumped that all the curse talk is dead for good.

This got me thinking about my own local sports franchises. I am nearly 25 years old, and I have seen two Minnesota teams win titles in my lifetime. My father is in the same boat. Over that time, I can think of more actual instances of depression and heartbreak than victory and elation. All the usual suspects are there: the Wolves in the magical summer of 2004, the Twins in 2002,03,04 and the dump that they took last year, and of course, the fucking 1998 Vikings.

Actually, I am positive that the Minnesota Vikings have a more star-crossed history than that of the Boston Red Sox. Too many crazy things have happened to this team over the years to think, hey, it's just a really bad 48 year streak the Purp got going for them. Here are just a few examples of events in the timeline of sadness:

• Super Bowl IV-I wasn't around for this one, but my dad said that it was one of the worst experiences of his sporting life. According to the sportswriters, there was no way in hell that the Vikings were losing this game to the Chiefs. They had beat the shit out of the Browns the week before and were something like a 16 point favorite. Yet, the Chiefs made the NFL champs look dated and slow by shutting down their running game and coming at the Vikes with something that the NFL was not used to-a passing offense. Add to that the Chiefs jackass coach being mic'ed for NFL Films and calling the super long Otis Taylor touchdown on film, and it was insult to injury.
• All the other Super Bowl losses- Every time I see a highlight film of any of the Vikings Super Bowl losses, it acts as if the Dolphins, Steelers and Raiders beat an imaginary opponent. There is NOTHING on the Vikings. Nothing. They will show one or two plays, then bust nuts about how God-like Terry Bradshaw was. The truth is, the Vikes never really got blown out in any of the games. Then again, they really didn't hold their own in any either...
• The "Hail Mary Game." I have spent my whole life hearing about this game. Basically, my dad told me that one of the Pearsons on the Cowboys pushed Nate Wright down, no flag was thrown, and a ref got clocked by a whiskey bottle thrown by some drunk from Fridley. Well, three years ago, I tracked down a bootleg copy of this game on eBay. That is exactly what happened. The Vikes were fucked by a shitty non-call, and some stupid ref got what he deserved. The saddest part is that this team was 12-2 and was probably the most realistic shot at winning a Super Bowl. Oh, did I mention that this game caused Vikes QB Fran Tarkenton's dad to have a heart attack and die? I am not making this up
• The "Darrin Nelson Game" (1987 NFC Championship Game)- I remember this one. I was five and had just started watching sports hardcore. I remember a pretty mediocre Vikings team shocking a really good New Orleans team and one of the 49ers dynasty teams both on the road. Then came the Redskins. Tommy Kramer was going through one of his injured periods and Wade Wilson was throwing bombs to Anthony Carter and Leo Lewis like he was Elway. A.C. even got the cover of S.I. the week of this game. Then fucking Darrin Nelson has to drop the easiest freaking pass ever as he was about to go into the end zone with four seconds left in the 4th. Goodbye win, goodbye trip to the Super Bowl to face the Broncos (like this wasn't going to be a win?), and hello Herschel. If you can find the clip of this on YouTube, don't watch it. I watched it 12 times in an hour. It shows some bar in International Falls all primed to celebrate, then, BOOM!
• Steve Young's run- yes, the most legendary run in NFL history was done on one of the top ranked defenses of the late 80s. The Stormin Mormon worked his way through Browner, Millard, Carl Lee, Al Noga and seven other guys. And I get to see it whenever there is a highlight show!

None of this compares to something that I still haven't come to grips with totally, and it will be nine years in January. Something that is so painful that I can barely type this without getting teary-eyed. Something that made me cry drunk when my friend Brandon somehow found my tape of this at a party and threw it on. Yep, its the 1998 NFC title game.

That fall was one of the most magical in Vikings history. So many good moments, like Moss torching the Cowboys on Thanksgiving and the Packers on MNF. The team was 15-1! The only loss came against Tampa Bay because Mike Alstott decided to have a career day. Randall Cunningham was amazing, there were three scary as hell deep threats(Moss, Chris Carter and Jake Reed), Robert Smith was having an awesome season, Gary Anderson didn't miss a fucking field goal all year, and the defense kicked ass. And the Niners, Packers and Cowboys were out of the playoffs. WE WERE PLAYING THE FALCONS!!!!!! Miami was booked. We were going to beat the Broncos in two weeks, cause there was no way in hell the Jets were beating them. Finally, a Super Bowl!

Except Denny felt the need, with the best offense in NFL history, to take a knee with about a minute left in regulation. Lets take another game with a similar scenario. Lets say that the Patriots take a knee to play OT with the Rams in Super Bowl XXXV. Then Tom Brady doesn't become God. Expect that Denny Green is one of the worst NFL coaches ever in the postseason and Bill Belichick of the Pats is a coaching mastermind. So the knee is taken. And Morten Andersen kicks the game winner for the Falcons in OT. Yep, I knew this was going to happen from the SECOND that Gary Anderson missed the clincher in regular time.

Honestly, I have no idea what happened after the game. I blocked it out. My tape of the game cuts off the second the Falcons win, and goes to the AFC game. I may have went to Target or K-Mart to buy a graphing calculator, but I think that was after a Packers loss. I did cry, my brothers cried, and my dad cried. The next day at school, no one talked, except for my friend Kyle. He paused at the lunch table, looked at me, and said "We are not fucking talking about it. Ever. Not fucking ever." Then we ate our Italian dunkers.

The aftermath of the game was terrible. My dad became a Buccaneers fan for two years. I basically quit following sports and started investing myself into pro wrestling until around 9/11. And the loss broke the last bit of sanity of Vikings fans.

That game begat the 41-0 game at Giants Stadium two years later. I had spent the night at Steve Louwerses house playing Final Fantasy Tactics, and while driving the five miles from his house to my parents, the Giants scored two TDs. Game over. Even more heartbreak happened at the Cardinals game when Nate Poole caused the Vikes to miss the playoffs(and Paul Allen to have an on-air fit doing the play by play). I tried to call my friends, but they knew how I was going to bitch, so no one picked up. This was also right after I got dumped by my girlfriend of two years. God, what a great time!

That pretty much sums up the Vikings curse moments from my perspective. I have no idea how the curse got there, but I do know, to paraphrase Michael Jackson, the curse is real and I believe in it.

(Oh, and while writing this, ESPN showed Mike Vick's 75 yard run through the Vikings defense in OT to win a regular season game. Thanks, fuckers)

Love Plus One

So today I was about to go do some laundry and "Scott Baio is 45 and Single" came on. Needless to say, laundry had to wait. This may be the most perfect reality show ever, and I've only seen the first fifteen minutes so far. In the opening, the Baio reveals that he lost his virginity to Joanie...and then makes a "Joanie really did love Chachi" joke! He took the work out of it for us. Then, he goes to play golf with Wayne from "The Wonder Years". Even his crew of buddies besides Wayne (straight out of ethnic Italian typecasting 101) are fantastic. Oh, and since the Baio is the executive producer, I think he picks the music. All I've heard so far are INXS, the Cure and the Pretenders. And a-Ha. I am 100% positive the Baio went over to his CD rack and picked the tunes that got him laid in 1991 for the soundtrack. Wait, what is that? HAIRCUT 100! "LOVE PLUS ONE"! I love this show.

The thing is, I usually hate reality TV. The first "Real Worlds" were nice, but after the whole threesome in the hot tub thing in Vegas, I lost interest. I once saw Rudy from Survivor at the State Fair with Dave Ryan from KDWB, but that really didn't get me interested either. My previous highlight in reality TV would have to be "Breaking Bonaduce" when he chugs cranberry vodkas on a curb after an argument with his wife. I am sure that this show will top anything I saw from Danny Partridge.

Oh Canada

Just got back from Quebec City and Montreal where I stayed busy for a week. Some of the highlights:

• Getting hassled by the border patrol at both the Canadian and U.S. borders. Now I know why Ice Cube and T thought the way that they did.
• Eating, lots of eating. Something called "Pizza Lunch" which was like a pizza slice inside a roll was one of my favorites. Also, a Montreal style hot dog with mayo, lettuce and french fries on top.
• Canadian Beer. They have a 10.1% content Labatts 40 for four bucks Canuck. Drinking one of these caused me to black out and yell at the U-20 World Cup match on CBC. This was also the same night that I saw tits on late nite TV. What an odd beer.
• The waterfall outside Quebec. It was bigger than Niagra. I'm not usually one for cornball shit like this, but it was awesome.
• The fact that the largest convenience store chain in Quebec is "Couche-Tard"
• No English. OK, this got real old real quick, but it was quite novel for a while
• The cobblestone streets of Quebec
• Watching the Canadian equivalent of "The Daily Show" and not understanding a single political reference
• POUTINE!! The best Poutine was at A&W, strangely enough. DQ also had good poutine. I went to a local place called Chez Ashton that had some crazy ass poutine, like "Michigan" with chili and hot dogs, and one with peas and ham.
• The street performers. Dudes juggling fire is always cool.

Live Wire, Barely A Beginner...But Watch That Lady Go!

First off, I'm not going to talk about the Chris Benoit murder-suicide in depth. Its just really shocking, and sad.

On to the only other story in the media-the KG trade. At this point, I really think he should be traded. There is no way he can play here and be happy at this point, unless the Wolves trade for Kobe and lure MJ out of retirement. I just hope McHale doesn't botch this one too badly, but you know he will. I'm assuming its going to be Luke Walton and Andrew Bynum for Garnett and the #7 pick. Come on, you know they are just going to draft the big Asian if they keep the pick.

The only upside in this is that a white Lakers Garnett jersey would look pretty bad ass.

Trailers For Sale or Rent

UPDATE: The ghetto bitch who I wrote about in my previous blog started the appartment complex on fire later that night. Sure, it was only the bottom floor, but still. She claimed the situation was "Straight up D-Bo" and also that she was on some "L.I.B shit" with another ghetto bitch. Also, I guess the "Block was hot 'cause they was pigs comin. Lots of pigs".

So I was reminiscing about my greatest Cheapo conquests with myself at work today, and I realized that the best one was when I found the British Now 7 for $2.95. It turns out that this was the first Now ever released on CD. I sold it on eBay for 75 pounds. A profit of 140 bucks is never something to frown on. I also found my dad Rare Earth live, which is worth over $100.

Some finds that I would like to find at Cheapo:
"Breaking Atoms"-Main Source. The likelihood of finding this is slim to none, as its been OOP since like the mid 90s and it wasn't all that popular then. I'd pay like 10 for it, seeing as how the Japanese import goes for $30.

"Where I'm Coming From"-Stevie Wonder. Released in 1971, during the so called classic period. OOP since the early 90s and goes for $40 on eBay. It has one of my fave cuts on it, "If You Really Love Me."

And the holy grail, the 60s Soul box set from Rhino. This thing is so fucking rare that I have only seen a track listing once. The 70s Soul box set may be the best box of all time, so this one would be crucial.

In The Ghetto

One of the highlights of my life is listening to the gutter trash that lives in my apartments complex argue about nonsense. I just heard an awesome, uplifting speech about how if some girl gets jumped, she will take the "L", but then real N-words like her boy Mitchell do it real the next time. I know a shit ton of hard assed mafuckers named Mitchell. Still, it doesn't match the arguement my roommate Mark heard the couple below us having. The whole arguement, at 8 AM on a Saturday, was about who could get ready faster. Bomb Fridley!

Seems To Me, You Don't Want To Talk About It.

So the James Gang rides into America's most boring city tonight to play the biggest piece of shit boring franchise in professional sports. Guess who I'm going to be rooting for? Yep, I've been a King James mark since day one. But that's beside the point. I think I'd root for just about ANY team that was playing the Spurs. Like, for instance, if the Packers could somehow put a starting five on the floor, I may root for them. I hate hate hate the Spurs. They make vanilla ice cream and the missionary position seem exciting. Their unis suck. Their team is a bunch of foreign soccer flopping pussies led by the Big Snooze, Tim Duncan. I don't care how good you are, if you can't entertain, I'm not interested. The only way I'm ever going to like the Spurs is if they coax Charles Oakley out of retirement to bitch slap Tyrone Hill at half-court one more time.

The Cuts!
"Still Rock and Roll To Me" Mr.William Joel
"Gangsters" The Specials
"At This Moment" Billy Vera and The Beaters (Side note on this one: Wasn't Courtney Cox kinda kute on "Family Ties" during this time period? Sure she had big hair and may have been sporting retro-bush, but I still would have been there to pick up the pieces when she dumped Alex. Oh, and Skippy was a douche.)
"Baby It's You"-Smith
"Cupid"-The Spinners
"Tracy"-The Cufflinks (Side Note #2- Sixties bubblegum is the shit!)

I Get Bored

So, here it goes. I have nothing to do on a Friday night. NOTHING! I could go out, but I'm kinda broke, and plus, I'm saving my alcoholic ammo for Sunday night. So I sat around Casa de Pancake and bumped fiddy cent vinyl. Here's some of the rundown:

Stevie Wonder- "Hotter Than July" From the outset, I only knew "Master Blaster." Or at least I thought I did. HOLY SHIT, IT'S GOT "LATELY" ON IT!! I forgot this one! Don't call me pussy, but the Jodeci cover of this jam was a fave of mine in junior high. And "Happy Birthday" may be a little corny, but it did pretty much single handedly get a national holiday started. Plus, most of the other songs (I Ain't Gonna Stand For It, Do Like You especially) are pretty good. I'm believing this is REAL underrated right now.

The Honeydrippers-This is an EP. It has "Sea Of Love" on it. That song is the jam, and it's really weird that the guy who ripped through "Heartbreaker" fifteen years prior is singing with an orchestra. Or maybe not, after all, "All Of My Love" got mad airplay on stations alongside the Carpenters back in the day. Pretty decent for fifty cents.

Pete Townsend-"Empty Glass" I only got through side one. But I listened to "Let My Love Open The Door" five times. Is there a more perfect pop song? Maybe not. It's not a coincidence that this was a bigger hit than any song that the Who released in the US. Pound for pound, I would rather have any Who disc though.

Cyndi Lauper-"She's So Unusual" Hey little three year old Jake. How is 1985? Pretty sure that riding in the Cordoba is cool, and that this may be up there with "Purple Rain," "Thriller," "Like A Virgin,""Sports" and "Control" as albums that defined the decade. Remember when radio stations (not just KQ) played album cuts like "Trapped" by Springsteen and "Erotic City" by Prince? Well, I remember Cyndi's version of "When You Were Mine" (A PRINCE COVER!) playing on WLOL as a tyke. Didn't realize that he did the song at the time. The three non radio hits are pretty weak, but has there been a song as good as "Time After Time" released in a while? Didn't think so.

Donald Fagen-"The Nightfly" This album cover is fucking cool as shit. Not in a KISS way. Its just a DJ smoking unfiltered Chesterfields at 4:10 AM over a turntable. I love the fact that I have this on vinyl. You couldn't make out the miniture details on the CD booklet. "I.G.Y." is the radio hit you'd remember, but this albums pretty bomb. And it sounds exactly like Steely Dan, mainly because it is. I even think the other dude played on it. Nope, it was Toto and Valerie Simpson. Solid, solid as a rock I say.

Monday Morning, You Sure Look Fine. Me, I Got Travelin' On My Mind

I am super amped for softball tomorrow. Our skipper had eye surgery, and he is planning on playing with only one eye to inspire the Tarkins. Plus, we had a team practice where everyone looked like hot shit. So, wish us good luck, God.

In a little over a month and a half, I'm going to Quebec City/Montreal for a week. I plan on purchasing a Shawn Michaels shirt and posing in front of the Molson Centre in honor of the tenth anniversary of the Montreal Screwjob. I also plan on picking up some Expos and Nordiques gear if I can find it. Oh, and I plan on ingesting as much poutine as one man can ingest.

The Cuts!
"God Gave Rock and Roll To You II" KISS
"Monday Morning" Fleetwood Mac
"First I Look At The Purse" The Contours
"Bloody Well Right" Supertramp
"What Is Life" George Harrison

Everybody, Have You Heard? If You're In The Game, Then The Strokes The Word

So I was reading the New York Times today, and I saw that there was an article on Bono on A1. Curious as to how Bono could get on page 1 without a reference to global debt, I read on. Turns out that Bono doesn't like all the smoke from old chimneys that is coming into his posh NYC abode. That wasn't the interesting part. The man who was filling his appartment with smoke was none other than...BILLY FUCKING SQUIER! Yep, he of the Stroke. The article mentioned that his last hit was in 1984 ("Rock Me Tonight") totally out of context, so I assume that the author was as fucking shocked as I was that Billy wasn't living in Section 8 housing somewhere in Philly. Guess that he invested very well.

The article also quoted Mitch Miller, the old head of Colombia Records in the 1950s who wouldn't sign rock and roll acts. He was also the guy who had that sing along with the bouncing ball show around the same time. Wikipedia him. The funny thing is that I thought that Mitch Miller died in 1972. But I guess he lives with Billy Squier and Bono in some freak high rise around Central Park.

In other news, I graduated from the U. So if anyone needs someone to do some lowly bitch work for an ad agency, I'm your man.

The Cuts!
"The Salt In My Tears" Martin Briley
"White Trash Heroes" Archers Of Loaf
"Sophmore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year" Prince cover of the Fall Out Boy Jam
"Since You've Been Gone"(39th week at #1) Rainbow

God Save The Queen

So its three down, one to go (and that ones in progress). Yup, I'm straight talkin about finals week. I am writing my J4261 Roth IRA paper as we speak. Or at least as I type. I am going to be so relieved when this whole thing is over. I decided not to walk on Sunday, as I didn't really make any close friends at school and I look like a bloated whale in maroon. Oh well. Here's the CDs I listened to (in their wholeness) while slaving away at the comp today:

Starz- "Violation" These dudes sound like a cross between Kiss and Big Star. They rule. If you can find "Cherry Baby" download it.

Boston-S/T Every song from this disc STILL gets played on the radio. The only weak song, in my humble opinion, is "Smokin'" which sounds like broke ass southern rock. And that one still has a shit load of fans. One of the best rock albums of all time.

Teenage Fanclub-"Songs From Northern England" This one sounds like straight up Big Star, with even more lovely melodies. Way better than "Bandwagonesqe" which for some reason Spin named album of the year in 1991. Um, how about "Nevermind"? "Ten"? "Death Certificate"?

Modest Mouse-"We Were Dead Before The Ship Sank" Less songs about floating, more about new positions. About the same amount of lyrics about bugs. I dig this one even more than the last one, mainly because there are no bullshit trumpet flares between songs.

Neil Young "Live At Massey Hall" Ol' Neil. I usually can't follow a whole album of yours, save for "Harvest" because they are BORING! But no twelve minute Crazy Horse guitar freekouts equals one fucking fantastic acoustic disc. I even like the hoedown number before the encore.

Black Sabbath-"Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" This was my winding down paper, getting it up for softball disc. It was a tossup between this and "Reign In Blood" by Slayer. Sab is a little more melodic, so I picked this over the mellow balladeers in Slayer. "Paranoid" is still better, mainly because it reminds me of Hardees and childhood, but Sab Blod Sab is damn sweet, too. Like Ozzy, I'm lookin for today.

Groovin On A Sunday Afternoon

I have myself somewhat of a Sunday night ritual. I go to my parents for dinner, then I come home and listen to the last hour of the American Top 40 flashback show on KOOL 108. This week was particularly interesting. It was the last week in April 1977, and, seeing how this was five years before I was born one would figure that I would only know a handful of songs. Well, with the exception of a Barbara Streisand song from "A Star Is Born," I knew all of them. I cannot believe how diverse top 40 radio was thirty years ago. Heres what I can remember:

#13- Fly Like an Eagle
12-"I'm So Into You" Alanta Rhythm Section
11-"Carry On My Wayward Son" Kansas
10-"Maybe I'm Amazed" Wings
9-"I've Got Love On My Mind" Natalie Cole
8-"The Things We Do For Love" 10CC
6"Southern Nights" Glen Campbell
5-"Don't Give Up On Us"-David Soul
4-"Don't Leave Me This Way" Thelma Houston
3-"Hotel California"
2-"Dancing Queen"-ABBA
1-"RICH GIRL"

So there you go. If you read this blog, you probably also know all these songs. Out of the thirteen I heard, we've got one of the greatest pop songs ever at number one, probably the best solo McCarthy song at #10, two kick ass rock songs at 12 and 11, one of the only really passable disco songs at #4, an underrated pop jem at #8 and some assorted guilty pleasures along the way. The only ones I cant stand are "Hotel" and the Natalie Cole song. Now lets look at this weeks top 10:

#10- "Cupids Chokehold" Gym Class Heroes
9-"U and UR Hand" Pink
8-"I Tried" Bone T&H/Akon
7-"This Is Why I'm Hot" MIMS
6-"The Sweet Escape"Gwen Stefani
5-"Buy You A Drink" T-Pain/Yung Joc
4-"Glamorous" Fergie
3-"Don't Matter" Akon
2-"Give It To Me" Timbaland/Nelly Furtado/Justin Timberlake
1-"Girlfriend" Avril Lavigne

Out of this top ten, which ones will ANYONE remember? I'm going with the Stefani song, maybe Glamorous, probably Cupid's Chokehold and Don't Matter. That Timbaland song went to #1, and I already forgot it. Girlfriend is a catchy little piece of bubblegum. "This Is Why I'm Hot" is easily the worst song to ever hit #1, I think I've heard the Pink song once, and I know I heard the T-Pain song only once, and it was 30 seconds if that. Oh, and BONE THUGS N HARMONY HAS A TOP TEN SINGLE! Did anyone fucking know this? When was their last hit, the Batman song or "Ghetto Cowboy" if you count side projects. That was about ten years ago. What we see on TV is obviously out of whack with what everyone is buying, at least according to Billboard.

In conclusion, music was better 30 years ago.

Oh, and KOOL 108 just played a string of "Christine Sixteen" by KISS, "Are You Experienced?" by Jimi and then "1969" by the Stooges. This further proves my point.

The Boy In The Magical Bubble

This ain't about Senifeld or that Travolta movie where he talks about jerkin off. This isn't even Jake Gyllenhall's first star turn. This is about a band going into a biosphere like The Wheez, Fine Ass Kylie Minouge and the dumb Baldwin. I guess the band Cartel is going to record their new album in some sort of David Blane-esqe enclosure in New York. My question is this: how in the hell is this going to make the music good?

I will be the first to admit, I haven't heard one second of this band. I really have been slacking on new music that isn't by established artists. All I know is that Alt Press covers them frequently, and they were getting pushed around the same time that the Quietdrive album came out. And I think their album cover is white.

But this isn't going to make me listen to them. I hate stunts. I hate people to have to pander to the lowest common denominator to make me give two shits about them. This is no different to me than any reality TV star. Watch, this will turn out to be a reality show of some sort. Could you see Springsteen, The Beatles, fuck, even a hip hop group/artist from the golden age doing this? Slick Rick live from inside an atomic sub, doing "The Ruler's Back?" Maybe PE doing "Fear Of A Black Planet" live from Siberia? This just smacks of desperation.

And You Know That My Name Is Not Susan

It happened again tonight. I got called something other than Jake. I got called Zach in my German class by my TA. It was weird, because my former manager at Maple Grove always called me Zach also. I don't look anything like my brother. He's tall and skinny, and I'm built like a bowling ball. This has happened to me my whole life. I used to get called Josh all the time in elementary school and in middle school. I think I'm pretty "Jake" looking. Maybe not, I guess.

The Cuts!
-"Death Or Glory" The Clash
-"Don't Let's Start" They Might Be Giants
-"I Left My Wallet In El Segundo" A Tribe Called Quest
-"Christine Sixteen" KISS

Gonna (Un)Dress You Up In My Love, All Over, All Over

Holy crap! I was flipping through the channels tonight and I came across "Undressed" on MTV! I forgot that this show existed in any way, shape or form. Many nights in high school were spent watching Tommy from the Power Rangers have an affair involving a cock ring, and Seth Cohen trying real hard to get laid. The only thing I need to complete my Jake circa `99 experience would be Pearl Jam "Yield" playing in the background and a crapload of Taco Bell induced acne. Then I could get in my Cutlass Calais and drive to Video Update to rent PSX games!

I just remembered that I wrote an article in my high school paper about this show. I may go to my parents house sometime and get copies of my "Rebel Times" columns and post the highlights. Then again, maybe not.

I went to my best friend Wikipedia to find out why exactly "Undressed" was on. It didn't help. According to Wiki, the show ended in 2002. What the hell? I guess that I will chalk it up to good luck at a time I didn't really have anything else to watch. "Undressed" is like the sexy chicks in underwear equivalent of the McRib. I don't know why it showed up or when it will leave. I only know that it is really tasty when its here.

I'm On Call

First off, Joakim Noah is the fucking ugliest human being ever. He's not only an ugly human being, he looks more like an ugly woman than an ugly man. But, his mother is really hot. I guess she was Miss Sweden or something. Quit chewing on your mouthgard!

Greg Oden looks like he's 25.

New Kings Of Leon tomorrow. I didn't get to listen to this one beforehand like the other one, but "On Call" is the ish and seem to be a nice departure from the older stuff. Kind of grown up.

The Twins took the O's to the woodshed tonight. I see more than the 4th place S.I. gave them. When the hell has that magazine ever been right, anyways. I think for the last three years they have picked the Angels to win it all.

The Cuts!
"Fashion" David Bowie
"Funny Funny" The Sweet
"Kingdom Come" Tom Verlaine
"Never Be The Same Again" Ghostface Killah

She's Radioactive (Radioactive)

I'm pretty psyched for the Twins season to start. Hopefully that will break me out my current, unexplained Fred Funk I'm in. Maybe it has to do with the ghetto children running around the parking lot screaming witty little bon mots like, "Don't call mae Lizzie anymo'. Only mae friend call mae Liz." Or my personal fave, "Dat's right, I called yo a D-I-C-Khead." Not to mention the fucks revving the engines on their Silverados and Grand Prixs at 12:30AM. Oh, and they don't lock our apartment doors. I hate Fridley.

Joss Stone is on Craig Ferguson right now. All I can think of is, "God, what a fine ass prostitute." Just kidding. I don't care who fucks who, as long as the final product is listenable. Shit, Bob Dylan could have blown everyone in Cafe Wha? and as long as "Blonde On Blonde" was the gangsta shit, who gives a fuck?

The reason I'm watching Mr. Fergie is that Robin Williams is on Conan. I would rather take it in the pooper from the "Rabid Wolverine" Chris Benoit than ever watch that ADD attention deprived Leprechaun ever again. Ah-lalalalalala, Uh-whoowhoowhoo. And that's the gist of his sthick.

Ain't No Other Man (She Wouldn't F@#% For Tracks)

Thanks Jeff for telling me about this one. Finally read some of the comments that Dallas Austin said about Christina Aguilera and Joss Stone gettin nasty for production on their respective albums. We all knew that Xtina or whatever the fuck was a no talent whore, but Joss Stone? Really now, besides being in my fanstasy file, where is she really been? "Fell In Love With A Boy" got a little airplay, and that last single was horrible. But, you know, why not bang her for a job? If my job consisted of fucking Joss Stone so I could make her lattes, you damn well better believe I would make that sacrifice.

March 30th, 1987 was the release of "Sign Of The Times" by Prince. On March 30th, 2007, I am going to listen to nothing but this album. Even "It's Gonna Be A Beautiful Night," which is weak. I will also allow B-Sides from the singles, one of which was "Shockadelica". Mmmmm, Camille. Oh, and probably "Alphabet St." I don't know why, I just dig that song.

The Cuts (Fridley Gunfire Edition)
"She Moves In Her Own Way" The Kooks
THE ENTIRE BOSTON S/T ALBUM
"Born To Run" Bruce Springsteen
Side one of Blind Faith S/T
"Wouldn't Get Far" The Game/Kanye West
"Southbound" Thin Lizzy