We're Gonna Make Our Dreams Come True

Me Lee Wauk ee, Algonquin for the good land. And about to be ripped to shit by Jacob Donald Eickholt.

Cody Stevens finally decided to call and tell us that all the campsites in the area are booked for the weekend. Nice timing, as we are going next Thursday. So I talked it over and booked the hotel today for two nights for only $150 total. Nice. Also, the trip will only take about five hours to get there. I am so pumped to see the Pixies and Weezer together. It will be like some crazy dream. And I am definently getting myself a Miller Lite T-Shirt at the brewery. Its gonna be sweet as all hell.

Peanuts, Cracker Jack

The Twins put on quite a show tonight. So did some hot little piece of ass that sat in front of Quade and I. She was whipping her hair around and rubbing her ugly boyfriends hair. Then I accidentally spilled nacho cheese on the boyfriend. Then, in a hurry to get some napkins, I stepped on some other girls foot. This was all after some little girl told me to be quiet even though she wasn't talking at all before the game. I hope she gets knocked up at 14 or sooner, little bitch. Little bitch.

Pizza Luce Baked Potato pizza kicks more ass than any other Meatball/Dago food product (Lagsana, Manacotti, et al.) I have said this before, and I will shout it from the mountain top!

It's A Family Affair

Interesting weekend. Last night I saw Hookers N Blow at the Fine Line and it was a good time. I did hear the bouncer talking about "shrooming" with some guy named Danny. Then we ate Luce and lost Jeff at the Lone Tree. When I entered the Lone Tree I saw Peter Harold Quist sitting there all beautiful and such. Then we made gay love. It was sensual. Afterwards Christian invited some hobags to a pool party and when they refused I referred to them as Bobby Brown Whitney Houston ass divas. Good times. And I do agree with the early statement that the Lone Tree is a "Brett Bar." Fucking "Hollaback Girl" and "1,2 Step" a hundred times in a row.

Then today I went to the Jeff's sisters grad party. Jeffs sisters boyfriend referred to me as a pussy ass bitch because I didn't want another beer, then he said it was ok because I had to drive. Then he proceded to tell me that he wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me. Funny stuff.

A German Sense Of Humour

Why doesn't frozen yogurt get as much play as ice cream? I think its way better, yet the nearest TCBY is in New Hope. Quade brought it up the other day and I had to go because I hadn't been there for a year or two. There was one by my house a couple of years ago, but then it turned into some shitty restruant called "Mandarin."

Yesterday was another softball ass whalloping. One game we lost 30-11. It was still fun, and I realized that we are the only team of misfits in the league. All the other teams are in multiple leagues, and we are out there having fun. Anyways, I am super pumped because I got a triple. Big slow me legged out an actual triple.

I'm A Pepper, He's A Pepper, She's A Pepper

I swear to God, I am going to have nightmares for at least a week after seeing this dude:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/peppers.asp

This shit, as far as I know, is real.

Let The Rain Come Down

Is Hillary Duff legal yet? I was debating this the other day. The only reason that I wonder this is because I just saw an Icebreakers commercial with the Duff sisters and I have to say that the elder Duff is waaaaaaay hotter than Hillary. Shit, why does she have to ride coattails when she is much better looking and probably more talented. Who the fuck cares how talented she is? Why do I care? I have turned into Teen People.

Up All Night, Sleep All Day

The last week has been boring as all getup. It went a little something like this. Work, gym, work, gym, softball ass pounding, work, gym. My life has become so routine since school let out. And now, after a nine hour work day, I am watching some movie on USA called "The Guru" featuring an Indian guy, Marissa Tomei and Heather Graham where the Indian guy fucks Tomei and she thinks that he is a guru. I am not sure if it is a romantic comedy or what. I wish Rhonda Sheere was here, like 10-12 years ago. USA UP! All night. The best shit ever for sleepovers. License To Drive, Ski School, Dinosuar Island, The Warriors and Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th. Heaven for a 11 year old was a Bigfoot pizza, USA Up All Night, a case of Mello Yello and Street Fighter II for SNES. God, do I miss those days.

My Love, Do You Ever Dream Of Candy Coated Raindrops?

I played tennis in the rain today and it was a disheartening feeling to have more sweat on you than rain. Anyways, I lost. I took one set to 7-5, but I still lost all four sets I played. I guess I just suck ass.

I did something on Saturday that I thought I would never do. I bought Kiss Greatest Hits. I hate Kiss and especially Gene Simmons, but "I Was Made For Loving You," "Shout It Out Loud" and "Calling Doctor Love." I feel really really dirty for buying it, but I have purchased worse in the past. The "Kiss Me" single? Or ABBA Gold?

Mr and Mrs Smith was a good film, but the ghettoness that is Regal Cinnema really pissed me off. I went on Saturday afternoon and there were still single moms with their obnoxious kids running around. Then some woman answered her cell twice during the movie, talking for two minutes straight both times. She was like "Where you parked, no, I'm at a show." Who turns on their phone in a movie? Oh yeah, the trash that goes to Regal.

Johnnys The Human Torch

The new Fantastic Four movie got me thinking. What was the whole theme song for the cartoon that was on FOX in the early 90's? All I can remember is "Johnnys the human torch." Does anyone else remember it? I hope one of the lyrics was "The Thing is made of rock."

Good game Quade and Jeff, by the way. I have never been so wiped out from a game of 2 on 2 ever. At least this time we took you to seven games. The overall series stands at like 56-22 or something like that I bet.

Let's Do It Like They Do On The Discovery Channel

The Discovery Channel has the best comedy miniseries airing right now. Its called "The 100 Greatest Americans" and it is supposed to be all realistic, but its just too damn funny. Here are some of the luminaries who graced the top 100
-Dr Phil
-Oprah
-Madonna
-Condolezza Rice
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
The last one is kind of funny, seeing as how Ahnuld is an Austrian. Anyways, the list is fucking retarted. Dubbya and Lance Armstrong made the top 25. What a crock of shit.
I propose that Dave Thomas get on there for popularizing the dollar menu at fast food establishments, and also that George Lucas also make the list, for obvious reasons that I should never have to state.

I start doing Sunday nights at Lifetime Fitness this week. Quade needed a guy to close and I needed a free membership, so what the hell? Should be good times, and I could always use the extra cash. God knows making drinks for the high school girlies isn't making the bills. Heee, I want a carmel cooler. Well, then go to Caribou. At least that would be my response if I were an asshole.

Oh, and the Bloodhound Gang haven't released an album since 1999. How hard is it to come up with 45 minutes worth of gay bashing and shit jokes?

I Drink A Lot Of Soda So They Call Me Dr.Pepper

I hate the Spurs. The Spurs are the James Taylor of pro sports. Boring yet very technically good and popular.

Had a boring week, pretty much. Well, I did find an ORIGINAL Han Solo in Hoth Gear action figure at work yesterday. What the hell? I am sure that there is some sad little kid out there without his Han, yet there is a much happier manchild here with Han looking over him at night from his headboard.

The umps tonight really killed us. I love the Twins-Yankees series more than any other, but the umps really didn't want that losing streak to reach 7. We will see who makes the postseason.

Some douche bags at the Dome were celebrating a bachelor party by yelling "steroids" at Giambi and asking some fag tree about the best "titty bar" in the Twin Cities. Said fag tree replied with "the Vu" where he had, and I quote, "um, uh never be--been there once." According to Mr. Tree, you can also drop "like twenty bucks there." Then the douche bag with no sleeves who was getting married talked about how much better Milwaukee was than here because they draw fewer people and they don't have ads for "Verizon, Dairy Queen and Hormel" at Miller Park. Then he talked about fighting Cubs fans. Why would you come here to celebrate when Chicago is closer and bigger? Stay the fuck home next time. I was so tempted to talk about how the Brewers have had one winning season in 20 years, but I thought I would let him have his glory. Best of all, some girl was eating it up. I thought to myself, "If I ever go gay, this will be the point that I mark as the time I lost all faith in women."

Whatever You Do, Don't Tell Anyone

So Queens Of The Stone Age isn't coming back here, at all. Fucking bitches. This is why I have only listened to their new CD once. I think that I liked it, but this is really really shitty and I am going to put that one on the rack and not listen for a long time. I pay 30 bucks for a fucking ticket and you cant even do one show in a city that you always sell out in? That shit fucking pisses me off. What the hell? And good job publicizing the cancellation, guys. This is bullshit of the highest degree.

No Love Is Random As God's Love

Softball sucked ass tonight. Lets just say we got worked by like a total of 44-5. Worked harder than that slut that grabbed Fred Dursts balls and ass. Except she didnt get worked that hard, mainly because Fred doesn't have a big unit. Yes I have seen this film. It is a classic. He did it all for the nookie, that Pilsbury bastard.

With the existance of the Durst porn, one wonders if there is any other ugly celeb porn that I can laugh at out there. Maybe Fat Joe and Missy bangin on a yacht in Saint Tropez? I would kill to see that. Or Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley? I bet that one is out there. About as likely as a tape with me and Kate Beckinsdale existing.

Do yourself a favor and go out and buy the new Oasis. And while you are at it, buy their first three albums because they all kick ass. The first two are two of the best discs of the 1990's. "Live Forever". "Don't Look Back In Anger". "Wonderwall". "Supersonic" and the mighty "Champange Supernova" are all classics.

Wilco is the most underrated band ever. Their last three albums have all been nearly flawless. Where is the radio airplay? I remember sleeping over at my friends house back in 8th grade and hearing "Outtasite (Outta Mind)" on the EDGE and nearly crying because it was so good. I love that feeling. Then I felt it again with "I Can't Stand It" on ZONE 105 in high school. Wilco moves me. What else is there to say?

Fighting Men, Brave and True

Memorial Day is kind of a quasi holiday these days. Everything is open and nothing is really celebrated. Until now, I thought of nothing involving my grandfather (who was in the Marines at Midway in WW II) or any other military personnel or fallen heroes. I don't know. Holidays have lost their punch for me as I get older. I don't really have a care for them, quite honestly. I have worked every national holiday for the last two years, and I think that has killed my spirit somewhat. So instead of celebrating with fireworks, I played Mortal Kombat for SNES and listened to "The Smiths" and "The Joshua Tree." I guess I should have listened to "The Ballad Of The Green Berets" or Cheap Trick or something more All-American.

Oh, and I fucking hate My Chemical Romance. Not the music (which is nothing more than emo-Queen). I hate the fucking image. The whole Nightmare Before Christmas meets Kabuki bullshit just screams gimmick. Where are the fucking artists who don't give a fuck? You know that DLR was nuts and that shone through. DLR didn't need facepaint. All that motherfucker needed was a cocaine carrying midget and a pint of Jack for a good show.

I'm jonesin for more Episode III. I haven't seen it for like a week, and I need it again. I NEED IT! And I think that Mr and Mrs Smith doesn't look all that bad. I thought that the whole Angelina/Brad thing might piss me off, but damn. I didn't used to think she looked fantastic like in this movie. Holy fuck. Vince Vaughn is the truth. And one more shout out to Brad Pitt. Shit, I would like to trade in the Bentley for a Rolls too man. How long can he keep doing that?

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis

Yesterday was a weird day but elegant in its eccentricities. Quade and I decided long ago to drink and play video games. Then I got really sick. Anyways, we did go through with it and started out with a little Madden 2005 (which I obviously lost) and have a few bumps.

Then Jeff called. I challenged his already drunk ass to Tecmo Bowl and he somehow shows up after some shit talking. And the sonofabitch beats me (only 17-13, but still he was really drunk). I redeemed myself with a fantastic victory at Ken Griffey Jr baseball over Quade. Then Jeff downloaded every Easy E song ever and then ate something he called "Bob Villas Motel 8 Pizza." At some point the documentary "Dogtown and Z-Boys" got thrown in and we talked about how much ass the skaters got. Strange strange evening.

To a certain Mr. Johnson: I am the prince of OG Tecmo Bowl Jeff is the king. The NES version is way better because you cannot use Jerry Ball, the 1992 Detroit Lions or the dive play.

What Women Do

I was so fucking bored today that I watched Pretty Woman after my daily siesta. That movie is better the 12th time.

The new Common album is really good. I mean, I was skeptical because I didn't go head over heels for Electric Circus. I mean, I liked Electric Circus (The New Age with the chick from Stereolab and Come Close are the shit) but I loved Like Water For Chocolate. I would work out to that album and get really pumped when The 6th Sense would come on. The Light is one of my favorite singles EVER so I had really high expectations for Electric Circus that were not met.

Its sad though that Be probably won't get much airplay or sell well, even though Kanye is on it. The Food could be a huge hit (even if it is "live"). I think that it is a matter of marketing. Hell, anything Kanye touches turns to gold. We sell the John Legend CD at Starbucks, and housewives come in and buy that shit. If the Common CD was marketed better, then I think that he could be the next big thing. But we all know that good shit doesn't mean sales. Look at Kings Of Leon for that. Or the fact that Plastic Ono Band by Lennon is only certified gold. That shit should be taught in schools it's so powerful.

Love On The Loose, Heart On The Run

Im up way to late due to my nearly five hour nap this afternoon. I was uber sick and went home from work really early and slept. Now, I feel like ten times better. Anyways, I saw a preview for Herbie Fully Loaded on E! and it looks like the biggest piece of shit ever. I feel bad for Michael Keaton who was Batman only 15 years ago. My, how the mighty have fallen. I used to love this one Michael Keaton movie called "Gung Ho" where he has to work with a bunch of Japaneese guys at an auto plant. Norm from Cheers was in it also. That was back in the day when Channel 9 was an indie and used to play old movies every night and on weekends. I saw The Hustler one night when the Twins were rained out, the old black and white one, and I thought it was the most boring thing ever. I would watch everything on 9 because we didn't get cable until 1994. But yeah, KMSP Receptive Channel 9 was the shit, especially on Saturdays and Sundays when you would get both AWA and WWF wrestling on. Then some Grizzly Adams, then a Doris Day movie. I miss those days.

I Wanna Go Where The Down Boys Go, Baby

While watching the Twins game, I saw a commercial for The Lookout in Maple Grove. It looked like quite possibly the shittiest food ever. Anyways, it got me to thinking. What is the worst restruant in the Twin Cities? My vote goes to J.Couseneaus. We went there for a Wolves game after Bob's closed, and half the TV was on the Wolves game and the other half was on a...GOPHERS MENS PRESEASON GAME! Who the fuck cares about preseason men's basketball? Fuck, the Gophers played SCSU last year and only beat them by 10, and they are D-II. And the food was trash, and we saw a table full of Champlin Park teachers including Mr. Iverson (aka Howie Mandel mullet guy), Ms. Varga and Sanders. For gods sake, they gave us burgers in baskets and charged nearly 10 bucks a plate. Overall worst atmosphere and food of any place that I have ever been to.

I'm So Obsessed That I'm Becoming A Bore

I have now seen Star Wars THREE times, and it doesn't get old. Not for one minute. I have always loved the Star Wars movies and games, but I am afraid that I have become obsessed. I went to Target today to look for action figures. We all know I love toys (my Simpsons figures mint in package have been the ridicule of every woman who has laid eyes on them) but I have taken it too far. I have been looking on Ebay for Millennium Falcon ships and Slave 1's in the package. And I think that I was going to kick my own ass if I actually found (and bought) the Viceroy Nute Gunray and General Grevious with 4 light saber figures that I was looking for. I even want to go find my toys from the OG Star Wars and "display" them. Oh, Boba, Luke in pilot gear, Yoda, Darth Vader and Hammerhead Face, where are you when I need you the most?

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

What happened to Boyz II Men? They were the ugliest pop stars ever. There was the guy who looked like an alien, the dude with the weird mouth, and Alex Vanderpool. Alex Vanderpool was the guy with the glasses and the sweater vests. Quite possibly the gayest name in music history. Yet they have the top three longest charting singles ever. I remember actually going out and buying the first two Boyz II Men CDs and playing Nerf basketball in my room to the second one. What the fuck was wrong with me? I also owned All 4 One, the one with "I Swear" and "Shes Got Skillz" on them. I sold them all to Jason Weaver in 7th Grade, and I think I got $15 for them. The CDs may be gone, but the shame remains.