That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

Videos of the Day 2 FOR 1 (Refused 'New Noise' and At The Drive In 'Invalid Letter Dept.')

2012-01-09T21:25:00.003-06:00

In honor of two of the better post hardcore bands of my youth (you know back when I could actually discover bands via TV) reuniting, I give you the following:

AND

I lived in these albums between the ages of 17 and 22, and I recently revisited both. Strangely, the Refused album still holds up as one of the greatest workout albums ever (along with Around the Fur by Deftones and the first System of a Down album). The loud quiet loud tenseness still kicks your ass almost 15 years later.

The At The Drive In album came along at just the right time, and gave us probably the strangest radio hit ever in 'One Armed Scissor'. And boy, to someone who was dabbling in more indie sounds but still intrenched in the Korn-Sevendust style bullshit that everyone was listening to, was this record a godsend! I remember nearly shatting myself when I got a tape of the 'Invalid Letter Dept." video on a mix of MTV2 videos from a buddy in high school (the other choice cut on the tape was the 'Gravel Pit' video by Wu-Tang). In the days before videos were available online, it was a real coup to score that.

Hopefully both Refused and At The Drive In will swing by MPLS instead of just playing festivals. God knows I will be rocking out like it is 2001 if they do.

Xmas Song of the Day - 'Wonderful Christmastime' by Sir Paul

2011-12-19T21:21:00.005-06:00

Let's kick off the week of Christmas with some "cheer". By cheer I mean "the Christmas song I hate the fucking most". I have always loved the Beatles and have come to love Paul McCartney's songcraft as an adult. Wingspan maybe has been bumped more than any other greatest hits I own. Yet all that love cannot make up for this lovely little ditty that was dropped on us:

Thank god the only place I have heard this song this year was a liquor store. Being surrounded by all that sexy ass beer made me forget about what was aurally raping me for a minute.

I used to have a coworker at Starbucks who would sing this song in July just to piss me off. So even when I am getting a latte I now harken back to that random whaa-whaa noise in the song. Thanks Paul, first you ruined coffee with this:

http://stereogum.com/5532/why_isnt_starbucks_playing_paul_mccartney/video/

and then you got all up in my cup with your horseshit carol.

My only saving grace for years was that, according to Wikipedia back in the day, 'Wonderful Christmastime' caused tens of Japanese to kill themselves. Now suicide is a sad thing (and IS NOT a solution, no matter what Ozzy said) but the thought of people killing themselves because of this song gave me a sort of righteous feeling. "I was right! It is that bad," I told myself. But then it disappeared off the wiki page around 2007, and I was stuck with the cold reality that 'Wonderful Christmastime' was just a pax on my eardrums for two months a year. Nothing more, nothing less.

Song of the Day - 'Bad Boy' by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine

2011-12-18T21:28:00.004-06:00

I found this 45 for 50 cents (with the picture sleeve!) today. I don't know if there is a single 80s song that encapsulates the awesomeness of the pop music of that decade better...

Strangely this is not the version of the video I remember as a kid. I remember the Machine and Gloria (GLOR-IA!) partying on some beach in Miami, wearing very 80s bathing suits. You know, the ladies in bikinis that looked like a bow tie and the dudes in little Speedo joints. I sort of like the weird vibe of this one more though.

I think it's pretty damn tubular, or rad, or gnarly that Gloria is partying with the cast of Cats. You really can't get much more 80s than that can you?

Song of the Day - 'Don't Cry No Tears' by Neil Young

2011-12-10T11:01:00.003-06:00

It's winter time, a time for seasonal depression, hot toddies (not the Usher and Jay-Z version) and more seasonal depression. So ladies and gents, I give you the best breakup song by old Uncle Neil to wallow in your winter blues:

Somehow it took me until October to buy the album "Zuma". Wow, was I missing out. I'm pretty sure this joint trumps about half of the other Neil Young albums I own (espcially "American Stars N Bars"). And 'Don't Cry No Tears' is the best opener on a Neil Young record. For the historical record, 'Cinnamon Girl' of "Everybody Knows This is Nowhere" is second.

Bonus points to this song for sounding like it was recorded in about 1994 by some really good Seattle band. It's true, Uncle Neil was the "Godfather of Grunge", even though that title is pretty icky. DOUBLE bonus points for the song 'Cortez the Killer' on this album birthing Built To Spill. Because I wouldn't be a complete human being if "There's Nothing Wrong With Love" didn't come into my life in college.

So thanks again, Neil Young. Your supernatural abilities to create well rounded emotional dainty weirdoes like me are greatly appreciated.

Song of the Day - 'Nightcrusing' by the Bar-Kays

2011-12-07T21:59:00.002-06:00

Work has beat me like Ike on Tina lately, so tonight I was coolin' in my mansion bumping Motown Christmas and hating Diana Ross (due to what Nas said she did at Florence Ballard's funeral). For some reason Christmas music makes me sad and happy at the same time, so after that record I threw on this 50 cent cutout bin jam:

Oh damn, is this one some early 80s monster funk. God how I love the whining synths of this era. I never tire of the blend of synthetic and natural that makes early 80s soul so unique. It was baby making music made by a robot/loverman hybrid, and it totally gets me going.

Just for shits, I will throw another track from this album into the mix:

Now THIS is the truth! "I'm your Freaky Behavior/Your funky New Waver". All of us in the know know that New Wavers were fon-kay, especially the black ones that previously recorded 'Soul Finger'. Gotta give it up to these cuts, they don't make ANYTHING that sounds like this anymore (like I said, a robot/loverman mated with a Pac Man machine). And that truly is a damn shame.

Song of the Day - 'Tulsa Time' by Don Williams

2011-10-21T21:43:00.002-05:00

Oh boy does this song rock hard for a country song. I had heard the Eric Clapton cover before but the Don Williams version is the Gangsta Shit with a capital "G" and "S". Plus, Don Williams looks pretty badass (even though I think his nickname was "The Gentle Giant").

Songs like this and 'Guitar Town' by Steve Earle make me want to be a shit kicking country troubadour, living out of a beat up bag and banging Lot Lizards. There is a certain sense of freedom in being alone on the road, nothing but you and the next exit and the song on the radio. Unfortunately, I will probably still just work tirelessly at a desk, not knowing what it is like to live on Tulsa Time (or any exotic time for that matter).

Song of the Day - "Make It With You" by Bread

2011-10-17T21:35:00.002-05:00

This one goes out to the Saint Louis Cardinals, champions of the National League. Why, you ask? Because the Cardinals are much like this song. Technically proficient, very popular in the Midwest, and sort of boring. And also, I watch the Cards absent minded. Much like I listen to this song.

Maybe I am becoming MOR (much like Bread, who were the kings of Middle of the Road)? Tonight I ate sausages and beans with apple pie and watched sitcoms on CBS. Granted, one I was watching because it is awesome (How I Met Your Mother) and the other I was watching because I was transfixed by the tremenjousness of Kat Dennings ample, ample bosom (Two Broke Girls, I think). The first one makes me feel sad and warm at the same time in a very good way, and the other one featured a "wad in the face joke" and two reasons to tune in every week.

To stave off this MOR, middle age, wearing PJs at 8PM vibe, I think I need to listen to some Wire or Mission of Burma or something. But I'll probably just continue to Wikipedia food and defunct newspapers with SportsCenter on in the background for the next three hours and drift off to bed.

Song of the Day - "Hey Hey What Can I Do" by Led Zeppelin

2011-10-12T22:30:00.005-05:00

So this is what constituted a B-Side in 1970? Jesus Fuck, what a jam! I found this 45 for a quarter the other day, and it totally blows 'Immigrant Song' (the A-Side) out of the water. And previously I thought nothing could blow that out of anything, because it was all about vikings and pillaging and probably also had references to the fine ass 15 year olds Jimmy Page was nailing back then.

But 'Hey Hey' comes with some hot fire about a mean woman who can ball all day, and who won't be true. That's not usually a good combo for a life partner, but I think the boys from the LZ weren't really looking for wifeys. The part where Mister Plant wails about going to church still confuses the fuck out of me though.

From doing a little research, I learned that this nugget was supposed to be on Led Zeppelin III. I am pretty sure it would have been a better song than 'Hats Off (To Roy Harper)' but there ain't no way it's fucking with the pastoral majesty of 'Tangerine'. All in all though, it makes me long for the time that bands were so badass that they could put something like 'Hey Hey' on a B-Side because they were just that damn good.

Song of the Day - 'Destination Unknown' by Missing Persons

2011-10-11T22:26:00.002-05:00

This has always been one of the quintessential New Wave songs for me. I found the parent record "Spring Session M" today for 50 cents and I've been bumping it this evening. It's surprisingly pretty strong, and surprisingly sounds sort of contemporary (methinks the overwhelming trend of Turbo Pop on pop top 40 and dance rock on alt rock may have something to do with it). "Spring Session M" also has the awesome (and New Wave as fuck) 'Walking in L.A' and 'Words' on it.

It all makes me want to put on some leg warmers and hit up an abandoned factory to dance Footloose style.

Song of the Day - "Perfect Strangers Theme"

2011-09-28T23:10:00.002-05:00

I have had a goal for the last ten years or so to turn this show into a Broadway musical. Since everything seems to be a fucking musical these days, I think my plan needs to come to fruition finally.

The setup is perfect. Vaguely Greek fish out of water/gay dude from Beverly Hills Cop, high flying Peter Pan pitchman. Lots of chicks with (presumably) feathered hair and pastels. The whitest description of Chicago ever portrayed in entertainment. And doesn't the tune make you want to take the world by the short hairs? "My life, my dreams, NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW!" How could it fail?

I'm going to Chi City next week for work. I may have to start doing some preliminary research while I'm there for my $10 million idea...

Winnipeg Day 2 & 3

2011-09-27T21:48:00.004-05:00

Okay, so it's been a busy week since I returned from Winnipeg. I figure that I should at least finish what I started with a day two rundown of the trip, you know.

Most of day two in Winnipeg was spent dodging drunken Indian folk waiting at bus stops (again) and acquiring Canadian stuff. I bought a "Canada" Starbucks mug, a shit ton of Canadian goodies that you can't find here (Ketchup and All Dressed chips, a Cadbury Halloween assortment, Aero Bars) and ate some Boston's. Yes, I broke my trip rule and ate at a chain restaurant we have in the U.S. But at least I ordered a Molson "M"...which was like a boozier, skunkier version of Canadian. It was wonderful.

The whole draw of the trip was seeing Pearl Jam. And holy shit, they did not dissapoint. We ended up sitting 4th row, and at one point I was like ten feet from Eddie Vedder. I've been close at concerts to artists before, but never someone of the magnitude of Mister Vedder. I have a weird quirk where I don't really view celebrities or musicians as real people, they kind of exist as a cross between a demigod and a robot in my odd mind. So being that close to one of my favorite artists of all time blew my cranium up in ways I can't really put into words other than "fucking rad".

The set list was nowhere near as mind blowing as the two nights in Alpine Valley, but it was solid. I never much cared for the song 'Present Tense' but PJ was on some chhhuuuuuuch shit doing it live. It was my second favorite live moment by the band (numero uno was 'In My Tree' live at the PJ20 shows). And they closed with 'Indifference', which meant over the course of two weeks I pretty much got to see all of Ten and .vs done live.

Checkout time from the shit hole known as the Marlborough Hotel was probably the biggest buzzkill I have ever experienced. My friends driver side window was smashed in (probably by the awesomely named Winnipeg gang "Money Over Bitches"). Since the city is closed on Sundays, we had to drive 7 hours home with an open window. Not even the awesomeness of Tim Horton's could save the return.

Overall, the trip to the great white north was pretty so-so. Canada has it's own social problems (that I didn't ever expect to and never have come across up there) but at least Pearl Jam rocked. Maybe if they play Toronto or Thunder Bay or something next time, I'd be more pumped. Winnipeg is going to be on the "do not visit" list for the forseeable future though.

Song of the Day - 'Redemption' by Frank Turner

2011-09-26T22:53:00.002-05:00

This song comes on like a transmission from some other time, when songwriters (well, besides maybe Craig Finn) could be vunreable, could be a fucked up mess. This is about as far away from pop music as you can get today, and that's a very good thing. Leave the party to clowns like LMFAO, let's hear some goddamn real talk for once.

Is the grass always greener on the other side when you are in a meandering relationship? Can we make our lives better than our parents? We all may think that it's better with someone new, that a college degree or a better car than mom and dad is a win. Usually that's not the case, and you want back with that old flame or you respect what your elders had that you don't.

The whole "England Keep My Bones" album is fantastic, but this is the cut that you will keep coming back to.

Song of the Day - R.E.M. - Leaving New York

2011-09-21T22:26:00.002-05:00

R.E.M. was around so damn long it seemed people forgot about just how awesome they were. This makes my top five R.E.M songs list, and is one that most people slept on. I could have as easily have gone with 'At My Most Beautiful' or 'Bang and Blame' or 'Mine Smell Like Honey' as another great overlooked single.

Cheers to 31 years, for inventing (along with The Replacements, Husker Du, The Minutemen, et al) Alt Rock Nation. And for providing me with the cassingle for 'Shiny Happy People' when I was 10...

Winnipeg Day 1

2011-09-17T08:20:00.002-05:00

The Great White North is riddled with homeless Indian punks...or that is what I took away from my first night in Winnipeg.

I left MPLS at 8 yesterday to head up to Winnipeg for a Pearl Jam show. The drive only took about seven hours, bit felt much longer because I was driving through the barren wasteland that in North Dakota. The only Ndak highlight was stopping at a gas station called Superpumper (which I will call the first porn I direct). At about 4PM we rolled into the land that 1989 forgot...Winnipeg.

Everything here looks like a suburb circa 1989. Tons of neon signage for gas stations, grocery stores and fast food places. Lots of sweatpants. It's sort of comforting in it's time warpedness. As we were about to go out and enjoy some Poutine for the evening, I got harassed for 35 cents by a homeless Indian in a Winnipeg Blue Bombers hat (the script kind that Rappers used to wear in the late 80s). I also watched a bunch of Indian punks in Tupac and Kimbo Slice hoodies loiter at a bus stop. It was sort of surreal. In MPLS, you can go a lifetime without seeing an Indian hip hop punk. Here, I saw 10 in five minutes.

Anyways, the Poutine was delicious. There were three news stories in thirty minutes about the Jets coming back, my credit card stopped working due to it crossing an international border, and I passed out after three beers at 11pm ( only to be awakened mid sleep by my neighbors headboard slamming on the wall). Very odd evening and I hope day 2 turns out a tad less odd.

Song of the Day - 'Here You Come Again' by Dolly Parton

2011-09-12T23:09:00.002-05:00

This sounds like sunshine. It is like bouncing down a sidewalk on a summer day, bomb pop in hand, on the way to 7-Eleven to buy some baseball cards.

I would like to dedicate it to Tom Brady, because your supreme masculinity, flowing hair, dime piece wifey and football godhood make me fall for you. Like Debbie Gibson, I get lost. Lost in your eyes.

1994 MTV Rock N Jock Basketball

2011-09-01T23:17:00.003-05:00

I cannot describe how giddy I was to find this on YouTube today.

You've got Rapaport, you've got Queen Latifah ballin' out of control. Shawn Kemp treating this game like it's the fucking actual All-Star game. The legendary Bellamy-Cortese rivalry. Kareem coaching. Mad buttcuts on the white dudes. The 25 point shot!Did I mention Rapaport?

I would kill for this to be released on DVD. This is the visual equivalent of Prozac, it's guaranteed to break you out of a funk.

Two Grown Ass Men Chat About "Thunder Island"

2011-08-25T21:53:00.005-05:00

The song "Thunder Island" by Jay Ferguson is one of the most hot fire, bodacious, awesome songs of the 70s. Sung about some sort of tryst with a girl who's hair was "the color of an Indian Summer", the song reached #9 in 1978. As a child, I always had assumed that Ferguson and that fine ass little lass got stranded on Thunder Island in some sort of Blue Lagoon type thang and just banged like rabbits. Well, the other day at work, my co-hort Jeff Hill disagreed with these findings. The following transcript is what followed (Please Note: Vampiro is Vampire Weekend):

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:05 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

And you call yourself a music fan. That’s child’s play.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:06 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

Kids are the ones who don’t hold the infamous Vampiro in high regard…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:09 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

Adolescent minds are the ones who put Vampiro up on a pedestal. I put some effort in and gave them a listen with an open mind. I just didn’t feel them except for 1 track.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:10 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

And their cover of ‘I’m Going Down’.

I can’t believe you don’t like ‘Eye In The Sky’ by the Alan Parsons Project btw…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:14 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

My bad, they have two good songs. That was a good cover.

It’s an epic journey that I want no part of. The most epic journey I can be a part of is with my man Jay Ferguson out on Thunder Island.From: Jacob Eickholt

Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:15 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

They also have a killer cover of “Everywhere” by Fleetwood Mac as well…as well as most of their songs.

That is a very epic journey. As a kid I always felt like he was accidentally stranded there, and that it was a very similar situation to Brooke Shields on Blue Lagoon.

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:18 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

I wouldn’t know about that cover.

Oh he wanted to be out on that beach. I look at it like Leo getting a secret map to go out on a beautiful paradise where only the beautiful ones are welcome like in the hit film ‘The Beach’.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:22 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

You should.

Are you sure? I like that theory but were there other people on that beach too? I feel it was just them and they passed the hours without number, then escaped and had to say goodbye to the island.

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:28 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

It was just him and his boo out on that island. The severe weather brought them closer together and their relationship grew stronger after leaving Thunder Island.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:30 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

Who are you, a romance novel writer? It was a dude and some chick brought together by circumstance, and all they did was discover each others company and never talk again after leaving that magical island.

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 2:45 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

Jay Ferguson was a gentleman sir! I will not sit here and allow you to drag his good name through the mud.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 3:47 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

He was no such thing. An amazing tunesmith, yes he was. He was similar to my styles…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 4:02 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

He may have been running around before but that island changed him. After the storm he realized just how sacred life is. He realized that if he could conquer everything that Thunder Island threw at him, he could conquer anything else in life. That island made him a better person.

From: Jacob Eickholt
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 4:05 PM
To: Hill, Jeffrey
Subject: RE:

You need help. PS I am going to publish this as a transcript on my blog.

And life is not sacred…

From: Hill, Jeffrey
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 4:10 PM
To: Jacob Eickholt
Subject: RE:

If Jay Ferguson still tours and if he ever comes to Minneapolis, we are so getting front row tix.

An Ode To A Sammich

2011-08-05T19:49:00.003-05:00

I had just gone record shopping
I bought some Cheap Trick and some Icehouse, maybe some fiddy cent a-ha
Denny's beckoned, I needed you inside me
I sat alone, ordered a Diet Coke and You
You were more carbs than even this seasoned eater could take
Glistening with cheddar, mayo, more cheddar, and gravy
Like a poorer man's Poutine
One time was enough, but I will never forget our nooner
Denny's Midwestern Meat and Potatoes Sandwich

Old School Video of the Day "----------" by ________

2011-08-04T23:06:00.004-05:00

I can't name this post or mention the artist for certain reasons beyond my control...but I can speak in codes about them.

Today ended a four day week where I almost put in 40 hours. I was all amped up for a night of drinking, but I got a migraine. Plus, the Twins are getting spanked hard. Then I went on YouTube, and I saw this:

Holy shit, watching this is like slamming a Full Throttle and snorting a pixy stick. Look at that energy! And it's on the Grammys, and this artist was killing it. One of the top five ever to get in the music game, at the top of their powers, proving the title of the song more than apt. And even the drummer gets some.

If you don't find this amazing, I can't fathom how we could be friends. I also can't fathom how you could like music, the color purple, entertainment, humanity or life itself.

Old School Video of the Day "In These Arms" by Bon Jovi

2011-08-01T21:21:00.002-05:00

MTV turned 30 today. Think about that for a second...

Today's video is by a band that probably wouldn't have been huge without MTV. Sure, some of Bon Jovi's singles may have cracked radio in the pre-video days, but MTV made the group mega stars. I mean, Dokken rocked harder and had better singles (well, pre "Slippery When Wet") but no one remembers "Breaking The Chains" the same way they remember comparable Bon Jovi fare like "In and Out of Love" and "Runaway".

And guess what? Yep, it's a concert video. I honestly cannot remember a Bon Jovi video that is non-concert. Well, maybe that "Livin On A Prayer" remake they did called "It's My Life" but I think they may have even been on stage in that. Also, please note that this is from the JBJ era where he thought he was going to be an ACTORRRR and trimmed his Aqua Net perfect mane for a quasi-lesbian joint. (Maybe that is why this only cracked the top 30?).

Anyways, this song is probably my favorite work by the group that isn't called "Bad Medicine" or came off of "Slippery When Wet". I recently found the 45 for this one in a stack I hadn't gone through in a while and I have been bumping it on the reg. Brings back warm childhood memories of Ghost in the Graveyard and watching Studs.

IHOP Ad - 1969

2011-07-30T01:02:00.002-05:00

I love chain breakfast places. On my totem pole of diners that I go to when hungover, fucked up, or after a concert, IHOP comes in 3rd (behind Perkins and Denny's). After seeing this very unsettling ad from the late 60's, I may have to drop the HOP off my list (NOTE: Watch at your own risk).

Whoa. Not only is the creepy balloon family scary enough for Wes Carpenter to make a series of lackluster films around, they have to go and add THAT SONG! It's like Alvin and those Chipmunks hit the nitrous and recorded this bad boy while channeling Alister Crowley.

And the food! That salad looks like something my mom made on one of her heath food kicks in the 80s. The meatballs look plastic. Strangely though, the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity looks almost as you get it in the restaurant. And what the fuck is with that weird chicken dish the little girl gets?

After forays into the ad game like this, it boggles the mind that the International House of Pancakes is still around today.

Old School Video of the Day "Hands To Heaven" by Breathe

2011-07-27T19:10:00.003-05:00

I have a confession to make: I love this song. I bump this fucking song in my car and sing the words like I just broke up with the love of my life. Sometimes, I do very non heterosexual hand motions to the part where the lead singer sings "Toniiiiiigh I need your sweet caress". For some reason, this song reaffirms my will to live on really shitty days. Shit, I think this may be the SECOND time I have written a blog about this song in the last five years.

There was an article I read years ago that said this was Simon Cowell's favorite song. I remember the overall tone of the quote made it seem like Simon Cowell was a total douche for loving "Hands To Heaven", but I can totally see why he does. The song is nearly perfect, from the swooning vocals/sax combo to the vague ass lyrics that describe having to leave in the morning but wanting to play buck-buck that night. And (probably most important to Cowell) it moved an assload of singles in 1988, reaching #2 on the Hot 100.

So I'm gonna scream it from the rooftops. "Hands To Heaven" may be emotional pap, but it's WONDERFUL emotional pap.

Old School Video of the Day "Freak Like Me" by Adina Howard

2011-07-25T23:04:00.002-05:00

Oh man, did I hate this song when it was originally out. I'm not sure why, I think it was the "boom boom" part. Just say it Adina, say "fuck". Even a 13 year old white boy in the burbs knew what you were talking about.

Strangely, the other day this came on at work (the production crew bumps a lot of the Billboard Top 100 year end lists) and I sort of liked it. It sounds about 100 times better than most of the shit that's out on Top 40, and it cracked me up that my co-worker felt the need to talk about Adina Howard's ass being "mad on point".

So throw on your flannel or your Girbauds, maybe crack a Zima, and cool out to the booty jam of the summer of 1995. Shit, this song is now legal to drive...

Give Me a Leonard Cohen Afterworld So I Can Sigh Eternally

2011-07-21T22:41:00.002-05:00

The new issue of Spin arrived today. Kurt Cobain was on the cover, which didn't strike me as odd (due to Spin putting Old Saint Kurdt on the cover what seems like annually). Odd didn't describe the feeling that struck me. The feeling felt more like a creeping sadness. You see, the mag was pimping the 20th anniversary of Nevermind. And that made me feel really old, and as an extension of this oldness, it made me feel irrelevant.

Nevermind dropped on September 24th, 1991. I was almost 9. The album didn't enter my conscious mind until sometime in the next Spring, when the local top 40 station KDWB started playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" sandwiched in between Michael Bolton and Arrested Development joints. I liked it, but I also liked "Warm It Up" by Kris Kross and "The First Time" by Surface. There was no filter, it was just another pop song.

Nirvana didn't really resonate for me until right before the release of In Utero in the Fall of 1993. By then, I had started qualifying genres and realized I liked the rock music first, the rap second, and all the other shitty pop third. The Friday before the release of In Utero, MTV ran a special episode of 120 Minutes where they played all the videos Nirvana ever did in chronological order (and, for some reason, "It's The End of the World As We Know It" by R.E.M). When I saw the "In Bloom" video air after the two songs I knew off Nevermind (SLTS and "Come As You Are") I was fucking hooked.

The video appealed to my nostalgia (yes, even at 11 I was nostalgic)with it's faux Ed Sullivan setting, and my sense of weird (holy shit, those dudes are wearing dresses and breaking shit!). Oh, and it rocked. I knew that I would have to buy Nevermind when I actually got some money of my own.

I didn't actually buy the CD until after Kurt Cobain died. It was, however, amongst the first four CDs I bought with my own money from the BMG Music Service (also Aerosmith Pump and Permanent Vacation, and August and Everything After by The Counting Crows). Nevermind didn't disappoint. It was the first CD I actually listened to the whole way though (usually I listened once, picked the singles and songs I liked, and skipped the filler) and it was the first CD where I studied the liner notes intently. It was also taken away from me by my dad for a while, due to my brothers reporting me for the picture of Kurt flicking off the camera on the inner sleeve.

To say that Nevermind was one of the moments that changed my view of popular culture is not an understatement. It was the first piece of entertainment that I loved that was both sort of outsider AND mainstream. It taught me to give the whole album a chance, goddammit, because a "Drain You" might be lurking amidst all that filler. And it conditioned my ears to the kind of verse, chorus, verse soft loud shit that would blow my mind later on (The Pixies Doolittle was a big influence on the group).

Sadly, Nevermind belongs to my generation, and our grip on pop culture is slipping away. There are probably 10 year old kids out there right now hearing the new Foo Fighters album who have no clue Dave Grohl was in another band. It seems a lot of the shit that blew my mind back in the day has lost it's punch. Clerks was the first movie I ever saw that had my sense of humor, and with every shitty movie Kevin Smith makes, Clerks dies a little. Same goes for the rebels of my era. Ice Cube was a scary, scary motherfucker (who y'all loved to hate) and now he makes family films. Charles Barkley was the most bad ass dude on the court not named Michael Jordan, and now he's a joke machine (who still entertains, but he HAS been a role model to up and coming announcers).

The older I get, the more out of touch I seem to be with whatever the fuck is it. I don't get Affliction and Ed Hardy and shit (well, I GET it being ridiculous) and I probably never will. Same goes for things like Twilight...I mean, really? Sparkly werewolves or whatever? I try to get it, but I just don't. There was a time where I would actually understand why people liked something, now it escapes me. And this makes me feel like, to quote a sort of modern artist, I'm Losing My Edge.

Guess Who's Back? Back Again...

2011-07-19T21:27:00.003-05:00

Hey there. Did you miss me?

Sorry about the lack of execution on my part. I have had a hellacious last month and a half. I got promoted at work into a Project Manager role, which requires a lot of work both on and off the clock, and I didn't want to cut into my precious drinking time. So I cut back on the blogging.

What ELSE have I done on my summer vacay, you ask? Well, I have played a lot of softball. I bought some vinyl, and I saw some movies. Yes, I actually watched some films (The Box with Cameron Diaz was by far the worst, the new X-Men was kick ass, and Going the Distance with Drew Barrymore in sort of cute mode was surprisingly decent).

Overall, this has been a weird ass summer. It IS summer (my sexy ass tanned hide and the full blast AC can attest to that) but it doesn't FEEL like summer. The All Star game sucked ass. There hasn't been an epic summer song yet (LMFAO can kiss my ass with that "Party Rockers in the house" shit). The Twinkies are partying like it's 1999 (really, where is Pat Meares?). And Will Smith hasn't dropped some visual comfort food on our movie going laps. 2K11 is fucking off, man.

Fortunately, there are some cabin getaways planned in the next couple of weeks. I am going to use the Southhaven City drunken street dance as my summer coming out party, with any times in Indian Country later in the season as proof of my reign. So rejoice, because the summer needs to start soon. And even if it doesn't, I'm back like MJ in the 45.

Norm Sucks (Even 18 Years Later)

2011-05-23T22:29:00.003-05:00

While searching for something else online today, I came across this old Sports Illustrated article about Norm Green moving the North Stars out of Minnesota in 1993. It's funny how much something like this can open up old wounds.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1138154/1/index.htm

My family went to quite a few games at the old Met Center per year. I'm not one of those people who claims to have been at a shit ton of games and not actually attended, I was there. Hell, one time my dad and I drove in a blizzard to watch the Stars play the Maple Leafs with about 500 other people. I also witnessed many a fight between Blackhawks and Stars fans in the parking lot. It was pretty enjoyable to watch grown men chant "Secord Sucks" drunk off their ass on Stroh's at 3 PM on a January Sunday afternoon.

Hockey was my #2 sport to watch behind baseball. After the Stars left, I really can't get into it. Sure, we have the Wild. But their style of hockey is just so goddamned boring. Plus, they somehow have the highest payroll in the league and not one discernible star. Oh, and they choke almost every time they are on national TV.

Even though Norm Green is like 75 years old now, I would probably not hesitate to verbally assault him if I saw him in public. To this day, I am shocked some crack pot, blue collar Stars fan didn't do much more than chant "Norm Sucks".

K-O-B-E I L-O-V-E You!!!

2011-05-09T22:55:00.004-05:00

The title of this post is a fallacy. I hate Kobe Bean Bryant. I have hated him since he took Brandy and her stupid little Moesha dreads to prom. This off season, when Lebron broke my heart and decided to be a spastic 8 year old named Toddy and play with his special friends in Bullshit Little Havana Candyland, I thought I could begrudgingly like Kobe and late Lebron.

I was wrong. Wrong as all Hell.

For you see, my Kobe hate runs deep. Kobe is like some sort of emotionless perfect basketball God who plays the game like most people go to work (which makes the title of his documentary Kobe Doin Work all the more realistic). He has basketball Aspbeger's. When he tries to show emotion, we get this:

That is the same face my roommate's Boxer makes. Jordan had the intense tongue, Shaq looked at his hand in disbelief, and Kobe B. Bryant makes a doggie face.

So you can imagine my glee when Kobe and his "friends" failed yesterday. The Lakers were not at all deserving of another run. Phil Jackson can retire to Montana and boff his fine ass bosses daughter, Ron Artest can do typically awesome shit that Ron Artest does (dodgeball, laser tag), Derek Fisher can be the only Laker player I don't hate, and Kobe can continue to fulfill his lifelong goal of being the Sultan of Brunei's 34th wife:

Enjoy the off season Kobe. I am sure you will do it with absolutely no feeling, emotion, or any other sort of human characteristic.

The Start of Summer (Jake Eickholt Version)

2011-05-08T15:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was one of my favorite days of the year, a day I use to mark the start of the summer (aka outdoor drinking, grilling and lawn dart season). Yesterday was the Bryn Mawr Garage Sale.

There is nothing better than scoping out the crazy crap people like to sell at Bryn Mawr. The best thing for sale this year was a 1964 Volkswagen Beetle for $4000 or best offer. My compatriots in garage sailing suggested I offer up the Focus for a straight trade, but I informed them that the Eickholt Fam had a Beetle when I was a child and it was a piece of shit. Too bad, because I am sure a vintage Beetle would be a total chick magnet.

The second best item was either a framed sketch of FDR or a huge ass framed poster of N*SYNC era Justin Timberlake. Unfortunately, neither one of them fit my manchild bedroom decor. The sketch would totally clash with my Pope John Paul II record, and the Timberlake poster just wouldn't go well with the DJ Hero case in the corner of the room.

My main focus of the sale, as usual, was recorded music. There wasn't a lot of LPs this year (save for the usual Johnny Mathis and My Fair Lady bullshit one always finds at garage sales). Fortunately, there were tons of CDs. And since the residents of Bryn Mawr are all either 30 something gay couples or sexy yoga pants hipster chicks with awesome tits, I scored some awesome finds. Behold:

Flood - They Might Be Giants
True Colours - Split Enz
The Two Tone Singles Collection
Jacksonville City Nights - Ryan Adams
Shenanigans - Green Day
Pure Rock Fury - Clutch
That Lonesome Song - Jamey Johnson
Peace and Love - The Pogues
Listen Like Thieves - INXS
God, Ween, Satan - Ween

Total cost: 11 bucks. I also grabbed three VHS tapes of Earthworm Jim and Animaniacs cartoons from a "Free-Take My Stuff" table. Oh, and I stuffed my fat face with Fast Freddie's pizza and Cheese Curds. A fantastic day, capped with a softball practice later that afternoon and an evening spent drinking Jeremiah Weed and Facebook friend requesting people I probably shouldn't have.

The Summer of 2K11 looks like it's gonna be rad.

PS - I totally forgot this INXS song existed before bumping Listen Like Thieves after the sales. INXS was a totally awesome college rock band before they got all 'Suicide Blonde' on our asses.

Goin' To Kansas City, Kansas City Here I Come

2011-05-01T21:44:00.010-05:00

This past weekend marked the annual trip to see the Twins play outside of MPLS. The destination this season was Kansas City. I was to KC once before when I was 14 and I recall it being a steaming dump full of crumbling factories and Hyper Wal-Marts. Therefore, my main excitement for this trip was seeing the renovated Kauffman Stadium. Fortunately, the city did not disappoint. Unlike the Twins themselves.

The MPLS Wreckin' Crew rolled into KC around 3 PM and promptly found a QuikTrip from which to procure Boulevard Ale and Rollergrill food (the Popeye's Po Boy ingested for breakfast didn't quite cut it). After many Boulevards, a cab was taken to the "new" Kauffman Stadium. A few friends were also in town for the series, so the Crew decided to meet them in our half full section (they had seats in an adjoining section). This proved fruitless, as a spinsteress usher dubbed "The Twins Hunter" shooed them away from the empty seats (the same usher chastised us the following day for "possibly cursing" as a Royals fan dumped a tub of popcorn on himself while almost passing out in our section). So instead of sitting in the seats, walking around commenced posthaste. Twenty Ounce Margaritas called "Royal-Ritas" were consumed. Cheesecake Factory was eaten at 1AM. Oh, and the Twins lost because Drew Butera sucked at baseball that night.

On Saturday I ate this sex bomb. It was from a BBQ place called Oklahoma Joe's in a gas station. The Crew waited in line for the BBQ for an hour and a half. It was the most amazing sandwich ever, containing Provolone, two onion rings and brisket. It was better than any sex I've had recently, which has been none.

One similarity between Kansas City and MPLS is that they both have Half Price Books. So, a Half Price Books mini tour was undertaken. There was a LOT more Jazz records at HPB in MO/KS, and that just ain't my bag, baby. So I focused on the usual and purchased Otis Redding "Live In Europe", Queen "A Day at the Races", the George Duke album with 'Dukey Stick' for 50 cents, and Al Green "Explores Your Mind". And also an Archies album (which kicks ass). Total cost was about 15 bones.

Game two was started off with some Summer Shandy's (KC is a pretty fantastic beer town too) in the lot, followed by a whole lot of shitty baseball. Alex Gordon channeled George Brett finally, and Joe Nathan channeled me in 1999 when I could no longer throw my fastball in Babe Ruth League, and the Twins shamed themselves. On the way out, a nice young KC lass came over to chat with the Crew and all was going swimmingly until the lasses BFF puked on a bench.

Once the hotel was reached, there were no parking spots to speak of. This made the Crew angry, and dampened the plan to go clubbing. Fortunately, there were frat boys from K-State and Mizzou in the parking lot discussing how much coke they had. This (coupled with a loving Full Nelson executed on a sorority sister by one of the K-State gents) lightened the mood quite a bit. Of course, the Crew does not sniff the coke, so the hotel room was retired to where the passing out could commence.

Kansas City was not the same old dump I went to in 1997. The whole place was clean (even the ghetto paths traversed to the stadium), and the people were very friendly (save for some drunken bags at the stadium). Overall, a grand vacay to start this summer season off right.

Ladies of the 80s: Susanna Hoffs

2011-03-31T20:41:00.002-05:00

Today I got a special request to do a Ladies of the 80s feature again, and I will greatly oblige with the 2nd hottest girl group lead singer of the decade.

Oh, Susanna Hoffs. Where do I begin? As good a place as any would be the look you gave in the 'Walk Like an Egyptian' video (as shown in the photo accompanying this piece). Those gigantic doe eyes, looking around sort of scared like, made even a five year old Jake put down his G.I. Joes in awe. Sure the song pretty much sucks (I mean, why are the party boys calling the Kremlin exactly?) but the peepers that take up 62% of your head more than make up for it.

While doing a Google Image search for my "research" for this article, I came across many a screen shot for the scene Miss Hoffs did in some movie called The All Nighter. Seeing as how this is a family blog, I will not publish them and will instead suggest the readers search them out themselves. They will not dissappoint.

Much like the last Lady of the 80s Belinda Carlisle, I also dug on some of the Bangles jams. 'Hero Takes A Fall' is the jangle pop confection that got Symbolina to write songs for the group, and it is totally serviceable 80s Modern Rock. 'Manic Monday' never dissapoints, even though NBC playing this song during Super Bowl XXIII coverage made me think the Niners were playing the Cincinatti Bangles.

The real cream of the crop is 'Eternal Flame' though. For some reason, this song actually made a college mix of mine between Wire's '12XU' and some song by Our Lady Peace. Still to this day when it comes on random on the JakePod, it never gets skipped, and I usually do some seriously flamboyant hand motions while singing it in the car. Strangely, it captures the emotion of longing for me much more poignantly than more serious songs. Maybe it's the tone of the song, or the lyrics. Or maybe it's due to the fact that Susanna Hoffs is a smokin hot piece of ass. I'm not totally sure. All I know is that I totally carry an eternal flame for this lady from the 80s.

KDWB in 1995

2011-03-26T14:46:00.002-05:00

I am a huge sucker for nostalgia. I'm not sure why...I just like things from the past better. It's not that I believe in the whole "things were so much better then" credo, it's just my bag, baby. This particularly pertains to radio. Which is why I love this little baby I stumbled across today so much:

http://airchexx.com/2010/05/20/john-london-101-3-kdwb-twin-cities-july-15-1996/

Yes, 45 minutes of KDWB from my 7th grade summer. The label is wrong, I am positive this tape is from 1995 due to the songs ("Waterfalls" and the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" cover both were massive hits around June/July 1995) and the movies (I remember being really really AMPED to see Congo at the Brookdale 8 that summer).

What stands out to me (besides the fact that Dave Ryan is still the fucking morning DJ 16 years later) is the amount of old tunes the station played. And they were ballads. "More Than Words" charted at #1 in 1991 and "Right Here Waiting" in 1989. Today you rarely ever hear a song older than two or three years on the radio. I think some of it was that KDWB leaned much more rock in the early 90s. I distinctly remember hearing "Disarm" by the Smashing Pumpkins on the station regularly, and that wasn't even a top 40 hit.

Oh, and the ads are priceless. What ever happened to Sidewalk Sales anyways? And when the hell was there a rock club over on 26th and 26th in MPLS? I would have totally paid 10 bucks to see Firehouse near the height of their powers.

Songs I'm Embarassed to Own Volume II: Underneath Your Clothes'

2011-03-09T20:52:00.003-06:00

Deep at heart, I am a sexist pig. Well, sometimes not even deep at heart. When it comes to my music, I usually don't hold female artists in the same regard as male artists. It's awful, but I usually like a woman's music more if I want to fuck them.

This artist is no different.

Shakira exploded onto the scene right around 9/11, shaking her Colombian/Persian hips all over the MTV and VH1 late night video shows a semi-employed and out of school Jake Eickholt was watching. And I liked that. In fact, I may have "liked" it to her video for 'Whenever, Wherever' a few times. But that is not why we are here today.

Miss Shakira's next top ten single (and her last for almost five years) was the incomprehensable ditty 'Underneath Your Clothes'. With lines like "You're a song/written by the hand of God" and "I love you more than all that's on the planet/Movin', Walkin', Talkin', Breathin'" you can tell this wasn't written by Dylan (or even the dudes who wrote Milli Vanilli's shit).

Yet still, Shakira delivers a command performance. I have heard that her mix of rock and pop made her a sensation in Latin speaking countries, and I can see it in 'Underneath'. I will admit it...this song kind of rocks. Check out the breakdown where Shakira makes like Axl Rose and gets straight up 'Nighttrain' on the bitch. And the Kermit the Frog honking somehow works with the Mom Rock acousitc guitar going on throughout the song. I'm ashamed to say it, but if this comes on the iPod or at the doctors office, I want to sing along at the top of my English As a First Language lungs.

So there you have it. Would I like 'Underneath Your Clothes' if it was sung by, say, the fat chick from The Donnas? Possibly. I do like some songs by less than attractive chicks ('Rolling in the Deep' by Adele comes to mind, as does 'Me and Bobby McGee' by Overrated Ass Janis Joplin). But sometimes the prettiest present under the tree gets picked first.

Songs I'm Embarassed to Own Volume I: 'Winchester Cathedral'

2011-02-21T22:13:00.004-06:00

I love music. I love music more than I could (in all likelihood) ever love a spouse. Sometimes statements like that make me think I love music a little too much.

One problem with loving music so much is that absolute crap slips through the cracks. Where a completely rational person would go "that song is fucking rancid. I think I'm going to listen to something that doesn't make me want to hatemaimrape" I say "hey, I kind of like that."

One of those songs is the following:

Yes, a song about a fucking cathedral sung by a proto hipster through a Rudy Vallie megaphone. 'Winchester Cathedral' was one of the biggest hits of 1966, yet I have no idea why. The sound of young America was Motown and British Invasion, and the old folks were still bumping Elvis and Sinarta. How did this spend time at #1, along with 'You Can't Hurry Love'?

My big theory is that the intro sounds like a commercial for Diet Pepsi, so people had a Pavlovian response to the song. Pepsi was juuuuust starting to take off, so the Pepsi Generation subconsciously took this piece of dreck to platinum status. Or it could be the whistling...

The embarrassing part of all this is while I could skip 'Winchester Cathedral' when it comes on my iPod, I choose not to probably 100% of the time. I have a weakness for stupid Vaudeville songs. Yep, 'I'm Henry VIII I Am' and 'When I'm 64' never get skipped either. I often wonder why I have this proclivity. I guess sometimes it's better NOT to wonder why we like the shit we do. Just whistle a happy tune and think about the bells, like my nephews in the New Vaudeville Band.

Worst Commercial Ever?

2011-02-20T21:33:00.002-06:00

Very rarely does my degree in communications come into play. I deal with Point of Sale software, not ad campaigns or PR for chrissakes. Still, I love advertising. I admire a well crafted ad, one that makes you laugh or say, "I wonder why they did that?"

This ad is not one of them.

I mean, who friend requests someone they just went on a date with? What kind of dolt DOESN'T know a date was good? And how was this chick's status update the first person on his news feed?

Overall, the ad just reeks of something written by a twentysomething who has never been on a good first date. A good first date doesn't usually end in an awkward kiss with very little small talk. Plus, the ad now makes me not want to buy a Chevy Cruze or learn anything else about the car. Fail, fail, fail, epic fail.

A Drunkards Visit to Target

2011-02-09T23:13:00.003-06:00

Tonight was one of those impromptu drinking nights that were so magical in college and so uncommon in these days of adulthood. Someone said "wanna go out for drinks?" and then Old Chicago was summoned like a Final Fantasy VII spell.

Being the old ass man I am, three beers got me plenty buzzed. Seeing as how this Old Chicago has a Target next door, it felt like the right thing to go blow some cash. Here is what a drunk dude buys at Target:

-1 bag of Pizza Doritos
-1 Quart of Lavender Scented Bleach
-2 Greek yogurts (pineapple and blueberry)
-1 Drake "Thank Me Later" CD
-1 12 Pack of Cherry Diet Dr Pepper
-1 AMP Energy Drink
-1 Box of Peppermint Tic Tacs

Total: 27 dollars. I think the best lesson to be learned here is that you shouldn't go to the absent minded shopping Mecca that is Tar-Zay with a boozed up noggin. Because then you just buy with the impulsive part of your brain.

Reserved For Family Parking.....ppfffff

2011-01-20T22:45:00.003-06:00

So I went to Best Buy tonight after work, and noticed that there were six open spots near the enterance. I assumed they were handicapped spots (which I'm totally fine with). As I moved closer, I realized that two of the spots were handicapped and that four of the spots were labeled "Reserved For Family Parking". So I did what came naturally.

I parked the Focus in one of those bitches and walked into the store.

Family parking is fucking bullshit, plain and simple. So what, your little shits are whining because they have to be pushed in their little strollers a few feet? Guess what: it was your fucking choice to breed. It's not my problem you didn't want to use a rubber, a fucking sponge or a goddamn diaphragm. Or you didn't pull out because you wanted to make a life or some stupid new agey hokum.

The worst part is that the Eden Prairie Best Buy has like four of these spots and just as many handicapped spots. I personally find this offensive as all hell. My dad cannot walk well. He has a disease that he didn't ask for that causes his body to betray him. And he chooses NOT to use a handicapped plate because he is either a)pigheaded (according to me) or b)has a huge sense of pride (according to him). Yet, some stupid cougar and her little bastards with names like Madison and Dallin get to park closer because they feel entitled? Fuck and No.

So from now on, I am parking in the "Reserved For Family Parking" spots whenever I can. I hope some surly ass business man with his toe headed brood or some Prada Napsack carrying soccer mom tells me off. Because they are going to get a piece of my mind.

Karl Malone 1990-91 SkyBox

2011-01-16T12:58:00.005-06:00

As a kid I spent almost all my allowance/paper route money on sports cards. I would beg my parents to take me to the Shinder's in Crystal where I would blow my 10 year old fatstacks on "innovative" cards like those produced by SkyBox.

SkyBox Basketball came on the scene in 1990. The main selling point for the brand was that their cards had computerized graphics along with the standard action shots of the players. Unfortunately, the "computerized graphics" were mainly just squiggles or random pastel colored shapes. My roommate once described it as "Kevin Duckworth with a fucking trapezoid".

Which brings us to Karl Malone. My younger brother went to the MOA yesterday and bought a bunch of packs of old basketball and baseball cards. He was kind enough to let me open some of the packs. This is one of the beauties I pulled out:

Yes, nothing says one of the top 20 greatest NBA players ever like a bunch of random colored circles. The whole thing just looks muddled and vaguely like something an 8th grader would draw in art class. But the real treat is the back of the card:

HOLYFUCKINGSHIT. Anyone who followed the NBA during the 90s knows that Karl is from Bumfucknowhere, Louisiana. Amhad Rashad rammed that down our collective throat enough during Inside Stuff. But why exactly was Malone being filmed riding a horse in period gear? Was he guesting on Lonesome Dove? Was he shooting an audition tape for The Postman? And why in the fuck is this on the back of a basketball card? I'm pretty sure these same questions went through most sane people's heads when pulling this out of the wrapper back in the day. Time has only deepened the mystery.

And don't even get me started on the Mark Jackson in a leather blazer and turtleneck card I also pulled out of the same pack...

Highlights of the Week 1/15/11

2011-01-15T18:42:00.002-06:00

The first two months of the year are usually awful. Very little sunlight, it's cold as ice (it's also willing to sacrifice our love) and there is no baseball. To combat the overall malaise I feel around this time of the year, I am trying to accentuate the positive. Here is what went right for me this week:

-Went to the doctor on Wednesday and noticed a huge chart on the wall with bar graphs labeled "profit", "referals" and "revenue". This is why I avoid the doctor as much as possible. All about money, not about care. At least the absurdity of it all made me laugh.

-The Twins re-signed Jim Thome. It's going to be really rad to see him hit #600 in a Twins uni.

-My company holiday party allowed me to drink top shelf booze for free, and also mainline apps for free as well. Plus, I got a nifty little trophy for 3 years of loyal service.

-I bought some new discs that all turned out to be sweet: the new Cake, Sleigh Bells and a Dion album produced by Phil Spector. The Dion album in particular is amazing. It sounds like something passed down from heaven. Simply magical.

-Taxes are complete, and I am getting a nice little chunk of change back. Methinks a Rust Belt baseball road trip is in order with the proceeds.

So there you go. Winter in the MN may be deadening and bleak, but at least I have the above to cheer me up.

After The Rain

2011-01-14T00:38:00.003-06:00

Holy shit, I can't sleep after my men's rec-league basketball team won AGAIN tonight (bringing our season record to 2-2). I also can't sleep due to finally completeing my MP3 collection of the Hot 100 hits of 1991.

So much pap, but all so tasty. Most of the songs from that year remind me of riding my bike, pining for Frank Thomas rookie cards and playing RBI Baseball for the NES. I was young, dumb, in love with neon colored shorts and I would stay up all night Saturday to watch that NBC video countdown show with Scott Shannon. Sure, Sonic Youth and Ice Cube may have been the underground and critical darlings, but I just wanted to know why fucking Ted "Theodore" Logan was at the shrink in the Paula Abdul video for "Rush, Rush".

Anyways, one song struck me as particualrly awesome while listening to the tracks tonight:

Yes, I loved "After The Rain" an unhealthy amount as a child. I remember snowmobiling at my Grandparent's cabin to some bar called the White Hawk and playing this on the jukebox at least ten times in a row. I also may have played KLAX and for sure ended up eating tons of fried cheese.

Analyzing Nelson 20 some years on, I still like this song. And I absolutely fucking love Nelson's other big hit"(I Can't Live Without) Your Love and Affection". I guess it plays into my love for pop pap. There's twin dudes with chick hair singing angelic harmonies, a quasi power ballad solo, and a redemption theme. By the board nonsense that 8 year old Jake and 28 year old Jake can agree on wholehartedly.

The Music of 2K10

2011-01-12T21:42:00.003-06:00

Ahhh...always late am I. Although this list may be redundant now, I still have to get it out there for the two or three loyal readers I have.

Please note: The top 25 songs are probably going to cause me a lot of grief. For some reason, 2010 really was a year of feel for me. The songs listed below were usually not about artistic merit, but that they made me specifially feel like a summer breeze at 9 o' clock in June in a convertible.

ALBUMS OF 2010
1. Black Keys - Brothers
Such a revelation after the shit fest that was Strange Times. Back to their kickass roots, wallowing in some sort of primordial swamp funk that birthed Fogerty and countless blues pioneers. Somehow they came out of the funk with a Gold Record and a #1 single. Just goes to show, every once in a while, the cream does rise to the top. And what cream! "Everlasting Light"!! "Sinister Kid"! "Next Girl"!! "Unknown Brother"!! The Black Keys have their masterpiece. Now, let us hope they don't lose their shit and hire a producer like Danger Mouse to do their next platter...

2. LCD Soundsystem - This is Happening
In any other year, the album of the year. A dance punk fiasco. Too bad the plug is being pulled.

3. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
Pop art by one conflicted ass motherfucker. Dark, dense, and strangely catchy.

4. Vampire Weekend - Contra
Basically their debut record again...but hey, it worked for the Ramones!

5. Best Coast - Crazy For You
6. Waaves - King of the Beach
Companion pieces to a drugged out Summer of Bummer...

7. Maximum Balloon
If there was an aural equvalent of fucking in 2K10, this was it

8. Gaslight Anthem - American Slang
More street corner poetry from The Anthem

9. Cee Lo Green - The Ladykiller
The soul album Cee Lo Green should have made from the get-go

10.J. Roddy Walston and the Business
Scuzzy rock from the demonspawn of GNR and Kings of Leon

11. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
After about the 10th listen, it sinks in and you realize its worth the critical praise. Sort of

12. Against Me - White Crosses
Arena ready punk with a soul from Jacksonville, of all places

13. Hold Steady - Heaven is Wherever
Hey, Craig Finn learned how to croon a bit! More tenderness than usual...still grand, though.

14. Fitz and The Tantrums - S/T
White boy decides to channel his inner Daryl Hall and John Oates. The result: Blue Eyed Soul 2K10

15. Deftones - Diamond Eyes
Finally, a return to form after wallowing in mediorctriy for a decade.

16. Jamey Johnson - The Guitar Song
Outlaw country mixed with a modern feel. This ain't for the Mich Golden Light and Franzia set.

17. Hotrats - S/T
Two of the dudes from underrated 90s Britpop legends Supergrass decide to cover their faves from the classic rock canon. A party ensues.

18. Kid Cudi - Man on the Moon II
See #3, add coke and weed. And badass guitars.

19. The National - High Violet
A dirge for the married man. And possibly for zombies

20. Free Energy - S/T
These Twin City kids, they sure do like their classic rock. These cats got their Thin Lizzy swag on. The album cover (a fucking Chuck with bubblegum stuck to the heel) sums up this album perfectly.

SINGLES OF 2010:
1. Dance Yrself Clean - LCD Soundsystem
At nearly 9 minutes, the song is too short. In all actuality, Dance Yrself Clean is like two or three mini epics smashed into one spastic package. Perfect dance music for the supposed end times.

2. Touchless - The Hold Steady
A B-Side monster that rocks

3. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
Dumb bubblegum that feels like summer. A damn near perfect pop single.

4. Who Makes Your Money - Spoon
The closest Spoon has been to having an actual heart and soul since Kill The Moonlight.

5. Only Girl in the World - Rihanna
All Euro Bangers should have a sexy Island Girl singing about letting you come inside

6. Monster - Kanye West
This bitch lives up to its name. Rookie of the Year goes to Nikki Minaj for THAT verse, where she bodies just about every other guest MC since Busta on Scenario.

7. Animal - Neon Trees
These new wave poseurs are so stupid they named their next single "1983". Well, no fucking DUH! We get it, still loves ya though.

8. Fuck You - Cee Lo Green
It's getting to the point where it seems Cee Lo can pull classic pop singles out his ass whenever he feels the need. Here's hoping that he can keep his focus and that he WANTS it as much as we do.

9. Bed Intruder Song - Antoine Dodson
Oh yes, sometimes the greatest art is designed to be thrown out after a few uses.

10. Lover, Lover - Jerrod Niemann
Redneck lovaman who calls his backing band the Hung Jury decides to cover a pop song by Sonia Dada that is probably only remembered fondly by me. Some sort of Nashville country pop soul gris gris is created, and magic happens.

11. Nothing on You - B.o.B
This song smells like Spring.

12. In My Head - Jason Derulo
Bonus points for the video, where JA-SON DERULO! hangs out outside a Circle K. Bill S Preston, Esq would be really proud.

13. Tenderoni - Kele
Unfortuantely not a reconceptualization of "Roni" by Bobby Brown. Fortunately, some sweet ass dance pop.

14. Right On - The Roots
If a rap song could sound like a lost late 80s alt rock joint, it would be this.

15. Giving Up The Gun - Vampire Weekend
This is pop, this is not world music, this is not rock. This is straight up pop.

16. Erase Me - Kid Cudi/Kanye West
The best power ballad since 1988...no joke!

17. Apartment Wrestling - Maximum Balloon/David Byrne
Oh fuck, what I wouldn't give to be introduced to whatever Apartment Wrestling is.

18. Tighter - Fitz and The Tantrums
Oh fuck, what I wouldn't give to feel like Fitz does for the chick in this song.

19. Half of My Heart - John Mayer
Oh fuck, what I wouldn't give to not love this song as much as I do. Supremely crafted and meant to stick like peanut butter.

20. Brave Man's Death - J Roddy Walston And The Business
Somehow cinematic...I don't know if that was the intention, but it feels like a mini-movie.

21. Radioactive - Kings of Leon
The highlight of a disappointing album. When the U2 comparisons are focused on the good things U2 did, not the pretentious bullshit, I hope they are talking about songs like this.

22. Baby Lee - Teenage Fanclub
You guys! Welcome back...somewhere, Alex Chilton is spinning this record and smiling.

23. Stay Lucky - Gaslight Anthem
The Gaslight Anthem just...feels...right.

24. Bed Rock - Young Money
Only for the line "Call me Mister Flintsone".

25. Fallin' For You - Colbie Callait
Female Jack Johnson stops thinking about her fucking toes, crafts delicious summer song about boys and girls in love.

In Defense of Rex Ryan

2010-12-24T23:34:00.002-06:00

Over the last two days, there has been a lot of talk about YouTube videos of a "mature" lady out of Maryland who goes by the (awesome) name of Ihaveprettyfeet. The only reason that folks are jabbering is that Ms. Feet may be the wife of New York Football Jets coach Rex Ryan. And that Ryan may have took the videos.

And this is fucking awesome.

You see, too often in life we are bombarded with scandal and who is screwing who drama when it comes to our celebs. There is no drama here, just a tubby sonofabitch who likes to videotape his wife's feet and possibly swing with her as well. Nothing is wrong with this, except for the fact that the media is making it a story.

Look, we all have our kinks. If Rex Ryan wants to videotape his wife's feet and delve into a little cuckholding, what does it matter? Is it going to effect his coaching? Probably not. Last time I checked, wanting to view all three of your wife's holes filled does not correlate with planning a game strategy against the Pats or the freaking Bills.

So let us reserve our scorn and disdain for those who really deserve it. People like the shady ass North Koreans, Congress, and the insanity of the Mexican judicial system. Leave poor Rexy and his awesome three way havin', foot suckin' fat ass alone.

Birfday Drunk. Birfday Drunk

2010-12-14T21:39:00.005-06:00

Snowmageddeon III fucked my birthday plans in the arse, hard, and without a breath mint or a cuddle afterward. Due to being all dressed up with nowhere to go, I drank. Heavily, and a variety of different booze. Here's a rundown of my birthday merriment:

-Watched the Fuse Top 40 videos of 2K10 countdown. This was hosted by some fine little German-Mexican hybrid and a jackbooted dominatrix. The top 2 were Ok Go and Eminem. I liked Fuse much better when it was MuchMusic, and I liked music much better when it was 1995.

-Ordered a bacon explosion pizza from Papa John's. Yep, I made a delivery guy drive that shit out during Snowmageddon. It was sinful, greasy, and tasted like what I assume going down on Miss Piggy would be like. In short, heaven.

-Went up to the Pixie Liq and bought cans of Four Loko and a four pack of Surly. Basically, I was going as classy and as methed out as possible. After drinking the Four Loko I called my mother because I thought I was having a heart attack. This feeling passed. What did I do to celebrate, you ask? I drank another Four Loko my sadistic brother bought me as a "birthday present"

-I ate a fruit pizza.

-Watched biographies on Pro Wrestling, David Bowie, Fleetwood Mac, and Blondie. By the Bowie one I guess I blacked out. Supposedly, I said Bowie invented 80s pop music (true), that I have seen Debbie Harry pantsless (also true), and that Fleetwood Mac Rumours was one of the five best albums ever (not true).

-Came to out of the blackout and made a drunk Facebook invite for my birthday remix this Saturday. Entitled it "Fuck Da Snow" and invited a shit load of people I somehow forgot while making it sober last time. I blame my non-passout on the crack like powers of the Four Loko. That shit it bad, y'all.

So overall, I give the birthday a B- for fun, but an A+ for drunkenness. And I probably will never fucks with the Loko again. Let the winos and frat boys have it, I say.

Random Shuffle Cut O' The Day

2010-12-14T21:21:00.003-06:00

Sometimes the magical little box known as the iPod spits out an unknown pleasure by even bands you thought you knew. Recently I stumbled upon this little beatuy:

Yep, Wheatus. Of "Teenage Dirtbag" fame. Off their third album (which I bought about five years ago but never familiarized myself with). Ignore the abosolute shittiness of the video and the fact that there is like two minutes of nothing after the song ends. Bathe in the MOOG-ness, the crunchy guitar, the whiny vocals.

I still can't decide what era this song belongs to. I have narrowed it down to late 80s alt-rock (think Transvision Vamp or some other crunchy Britpop) or early New Wave (the Cars would have owned this joint). Maybe, just maybe, it's timeless?

Record Show Journal 12/4/10

2010-12-04T13:52:00.002-06:00

Magic ouccured again today at the Uptown VFW for the quarterly Twin Cities record show. There is nothing more magical than the smell of musty records, bearded hipsters, hot dogs, farts and dirty military jackets. It is a stew for the sense of smell, I tells ya. Well, actually, the sense of smell may be a little envious of the sense of sight due to all the old Starter jackets and skinny jeans on the premesis...

Anyways, the record show always provides its fair share of interesting convos to eaves drop on. Being the creep that I am, I induldged again today with reckless abandon. The highlights were as follows:

-40 something dude talking to sexy(ish) hipster chick about how 78 RPM records are the new hot thing. I guess I could have entered a time warp to 1918, but that still wouldn't explain why Elvis Costello would be recording two exclusive songs on 78. Because, you know, Elvis Costello was about -30 in 1918.

-The same 40 something pimping his tape review blog to the hipster chick, THEN pimping his tape only record label by bringing over another disheveled 40 something that was his prized signing on the label. (NOTE TO DESPERATE SINGLE LADIES: If you are looking for any sort of attention, a record show is a great place to get it). Obviously this guy is onto something with the antiquated tech being "the next big thing". I wonder if he is going to release some films on 8MM anytime soon? Maybe a LaserDisc of the new Tron movie? God, I can only hope and pray.

-Two fat old bearded dudes arguing about how Obama sucks and "if the Republicans were in charge, none of this shit would have happened." Sadly, I never got to hear just what the "shit" was. I assume it was probably involving the blacks, the queers, and/or the abortionists though.

The Republican arguement was really interesting, because I always assumed that people digging through crates of old albums were pretty liberal. But I guess that the record show is the ultimate showing of survival-of-the-fittest capitalism along with a perfect example of selling to a captive audience. For example, I could look on eBay for a Carole King record and probably get it for fiddy cent. But at a record show, I have to pay like 3 bucks for a shitty copy of Tapestry (Please note: I own this record and would have never payed more than a buck for it. Even though it's fucking rad). I would have no other option but to fork over my money to the dude who looks like a cross between Santa Claus and a Lot Lizard raping truck driver if I want to hear "It's Too Late".

Plus, the old lady who runs the enterance and collects the $2 enterance fee is totally a Tea Party member. Totally.

Here were my finds for the day:
Lou Reed - Coney Island Baby
Dexys Midnight Runners - Searching For the Young Soul Rebels
Gary Numan - Telekon
The Blues Project - Projections
Willie Hutch - Havin' A House Party (winner of best album cover of the day, due to sexy chicks in halter dresses, a living room designed to do coke in, and the old cat with the cotton colored balding afro and sideburns combo in the background)

Total spent: $19
There you have it, records really ARE your best entertainment value.

What This Guy is Thankful For (2010 Edition)

2010-11-25T15:24:00.003-06:00

Ah, Thanksgiving...the time of year where most stuff themselves with turkey and other random delicious crap. Oh yeah, and it's also the time of year where thanks are given.

I've always been a little confused about this part. Are those thanks supposed to be given in a public setting, i.e. the dinner itself? Or are they supposed to be a private matter, like counting your blessings or praying to the Baby Jesus? If option "A" is the correct choice, I've failed the Turkey God miserably. I have never given thanks in person to anyone, or to any THING on the day itself.

So to hedge my bets, I'm just going to blog the shit out of what I am thankful for this year. Hopefully, those closest to me (I'm looking at you, my immediate family, my ladyfriend, and my circle of friends who puts up with my drunken, rambling, inane ass on a daily-to-weekly basis) understand that I am eternally grateful for them being here in my life. Seeing as how they are the most important and they know it, I am going to spend the rest of the blog focusing on some of my lesser thankfuls for the year. And awaaaaaay we go...

What I am thankful for this year:

Coffee
Yep, pretty sure I couldn't get by without you. You are my raven-colored (and sometimes creamy mocha-colored) mistress, friend and mother. Thanks for being there every morning in all of your guises.

The MLB Network
As a tubby little boy growing up in Brooklyn Park, I often prayed for a channel that showed baseball highlights all the time, along with old games and the occasional re-airing of the Ken Burns documentary Baseball. When I got older and more jaded I thought that prayers often go unanswered. The MLB Network proves this wrong.

Half Price Books
More specifically, the clearance LP and CD sections at these stores. Where else could I have been opened up to many kinds of music that I thought I never would listen to? Five years ago, I never would have thought I would even listen to the likes of Fleetwood Mac or Cat Stevens. Now I realize that they are glorious mom-jean rock.

Surly Beer
I am thankful for Surly for murdering my love of Miller Light and other shitty lawnmower beers. Except for PBR. I totally fucks with PBR still.

My New found Love of Cooking
Well, I should say it's not so much "cooking" as it is "not eating takeout/fast food all the goddamn time". As one who embraces trash culture at every turn, I thought my life would consist of me solely eating Taco Bell and SuperAmerica hot dogs for eternity. In the last couple of months I have come to the realization that making a salad and a tortilla rollup leaves you feeling much less degraded than a Whopper or a Chalupa would.

Shitty 80s Pop Music
Shitty 80s pop music got me through the Summer of My Discontent. Special thanks to it's sexier cousin, Shitty 80s New Wave, for still being there for me in much happier times.

NBA Jam for the XBOX 360
Even though I haven't played this yet, I am sure it's going to kick ass. I mean, you can play as Bill Clinton, Len Bias, Larry Bird and (probably) the Phoenix Gorilla. What's not to like? Thank you for letting me revert into 12 year old Jake, sans the business mullet and the Notre Dame sweatshirt.

Katy Perry's Rack/Tunes
Strangely, I find both her bazooms and her music compelling at about the same level. I'm not sure what that says about me as a man, but I don't fucking care. I am just glad those sweater kittens are there, along with her sappy pop confections from the gods.

Well, there you have it. I guess you could say that at this point in 2K10 I am living a Teenage Dream, much like Miss Perry. But with a much less fantastic rack...

Chili-Wacked

2010-11-22T22:59:00.004-06:00

I have mixed feelings on the Purple firing Brad Childress. On one hand, he was a totally overmatched coach who had no idea how to run an offense or modivate his players. For reals, he was like a 16 year old getting an Aston Martin as his first car instead of a Ford Tempo. He just looked confused about how to operate the damn thing and then ended up crashing it into a telephone pole.

On the other hand, Chilly provided so much material. He looked like one of two things most days. Depending on the day he looked like either a sex offender or the star of 90's sitcom Major Dad, Gearld McRaney. The sex offender days were when he wore a black Vikings sweatshirt like my dad wears to bum around the house, and the Major Dad days were when the Vikings were getting plowed like Jill Kelly. Plus, his play calling thing looked like a Denny's menu, which provided at least 10 "Run 86 red right and get me a Super Bird" jokes. Per game.

At this point I am so damn numb from the farce that this Purple season has become I really can't feel a thing. I think anyone could coach this team better than Chilly, but I really don't care right now. I sort of hope Fav-ray retires and they throw T-Jack to the wolves to see if he can cut the mustard as a starter. And hopefully if they do, they can run 78-Trips-Left Moons over My Hammy a few times.

Here is a song to get through the Purple Malasie:

Hear that? It's the happy sound of seeing your chick with another dude. Oh, who the fuck cares? Do you hear fucking how joyous this is? I mean, with whistling, hand claps, and a freaking live audience who needs that two timing ho? Big ups to Cat Stevens for writing this and the Tremeloes for playing it.

Purple Pride?

2010-11-21T15:54:00.004-06:00

I watched most of the Purple game today (up until Fav-ray's dumbass fucking pick #2). Then, subconsciously, I played this song on my iPod. It pretty much sums up my feelings on this lost fucking season...

Yep, I went from crying like I just got dumped after the NFC Championship game last year to summing up my crushed hopes and dreams with a Chicago (3rd incarnation) #1 hit. Look Away indeed, guy who is not Peter Cetera or Terry Kath.

Drinkin' Alone

2010-11-17T21:56:00.002-06:00

For the last week, I have been out of commission with a case of strep/tonsillitis. Due to this aliment, I missed stuff. This is extremely disappointing due to the fact that sickness caused me to a) miss one of my closest friends birthdays b) miss out on a karaoke night and c) caused my girlfriend to quarantine me. Above all this, sickness caused me to not drink.

So tonight, after feeling 95% of Jake-tastic, I decided to get loose with my old friend Windsor and his life partner Diet Coke (yes, I assume Diet Coke is gay). Here is a rundown

- Went on Amazon.com and bought one XBOX game (Mass Effect) and one New Wave compilation CD (The Rhino released ones, this one with "Wouldn't It Be Good" by Nik Kershaw). Grand total: $17.80.

-Watched the new South Park. Thought the Shake Weight coming on Stan's wife's face was pretty funny, and also enjoyed the take on food porn.

-Signed up for mint.com. Was shocked that I only spent $14 bucks on booze this month. Vowed to triple this output by December 1st.

-Followed the Wolves game on my phone because David Kahn is a vampire crossed with a meerkat who is killing my joy by not televising a goddamn Wolves game even though Kevin Love is a beast this season and Beasley dropped 30 AGAIN tonight! (Rant over).

-Enjoyed a Kennedy Assassination documentary on History International that claimed Kennedy was shot by Oswald alone. Yelled "bullshit" alone in my room at my stolen TV.

-Made a Facebook invite for my 28th birthday. Realized its a direct facsimile of my 27th birthday, except at a bar 8 blocks away. Came away satisfied nonetheless.

-Did a load of laundry. Probably mixed whites and coloreds.

-Bumped "Angelia" by Richard Marx. Twice. This confirmed perviously held sober beliefs that Richard Marx is extremely underrated.

-Received three bootleg Pearl Jam CDs from a courier (my landlady/future sister-in-law)which she received from Sir Rich Abraham at a chocolate party. Googled lyrics to songs I have never heard so I could put them on my flawless iPod.

The biggest realization out of all of this was that I get more done while drinking than when I am sober. The only conclusion that can be drawn is that I need to drink alone a whole lot fucking more.

The Tao of Kenny Rogers

2010-11-04T21:45:00.006-05:00

Half Price Books holds many books in its hallowed walls. I am sure somewhere in its musty, lusty confines it even has a bible. But what was found there today trumps all these books. Strangely, it wasn't even a book. It was an audio document of how to be a man, nay, be THE MAN.

This meisterarbeit was called "Kenny Rogers 20 Greatest Hits".

Now before you get all highfalutin hipster on me and say "Kenny Rogers fucking sucks," let me tell you why Mister Rogers songs are a template on how to live a richer, fuller life. I am going to limit the Tao of Kenny to ten lessons, but there are more. Take this as a beginners guide to the Bearded Chicken Slinging Gideon.

1) Don't fall in love with a dreamer. Cause he'll break you every time (from Don't Fall In Love With a Dreamer)
Pretty self explanatory. Level headed or crazy partners are the best. Because dreamers are unrealistic and will break the fuck out of your stride.

2) If a crazy hot chick is at the bar and takes off her wedding ring, go drink whiskey with her (from Lucille)
Bonus points if the chick's husband comes in and bitches about how she left at an inopportune time (say when there are four hungry kids and crops going to shit). You then do what Kenny did and dismiss this guy as a pussy and take the broad to a no tell motel to totally do some nasty cougar hucklebuck. And probably steal her Pall Malls afterwards.

3) Never let a 16 year old Ginger stripper dominate your life (from Scarlett Fever)
Sure, we all like going to strip clubs called the Lucky Star and falling for girls who claim they are older than they are. But we never let them be a proxy for are lifelong dreams. Cause one day they are going to chase their own dreams without you, and you will be left a lonely, broken shell of a man. Possibly with a deadly fever.

4) Drink cheap booze, because it somehow is sweeter than the top shelf shit (from Life or Something Like It)
According to Kenny the cheaper wine is somehow sweeter than the good stuff. Although he may be referring to the woman who is trashy and who is accompanying him to a no tell motel (Again with the cheap motels Kenny? Do you not have a Holiday Inn in your magic town?). This advice loses some credence though because it is set to a beat that vaguely recalls "Margaritaville".

5) If your girlfriend is sexually assaulted, beat the shit out of the perpetrators. Even if your dead daddy told you not to (from Coward of the County)
Kenny knows that fighting is wrong. Mainly because his dad died in prison for fighting. But sometimes not fighting gets you called a pussy. And it makes marauding bands of Brothers Gatlin feel the need to pull a rape train on your girlfriend. Even though your daddy may have made you promise on his deathbed not to fight, sometimes you have to go to the local bar (where the Gatlin's gather, natch), lock the door, and fuck those Crackers up while the other patrons watch. That will show em who's a coward. And it will show great Dalton-in-Road House-like restraint. Because any other man would kill those raping bastards.

6) When crippled in the war, don't trust broads named Ruby. Because they will totally fuck other dudes (from Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town)
Make sure you know who is loyal to you. Because sometimes shit happens. Like getting paralyzed in Vietnam. And when you come back, your lady may want to screw everything and anything with her painted up face because the tackle doesn't work the same. Trust your base instincts and get your shotgun and "put her in the ground" if she can't stay with you for the few months you have left to live. After all, you just need some company.

7) Sing duets with hellafine 80s chicks (see Don't Fall in Love With A Dreamer and We've Got Tonite)
Always pick duet partners who don't fit with you (Sheena Easton's fine Scotch ass? Kim "Bette Davis Eyes" Carnes?). Because its more fun to dance into the unknown sometimes. But don't duet with chicks named Dottie West. Because that just may suck...

8) Let love turn you around and lift you (from Love Will Turn You Around and Love Lifted Me)
Love can truly turn you around. Especially if it is sung as the theme from a movie about Stock Car racing featuring Diane Lane. And love can lift, especially if sung about in a raspy, mannish yet soothing voice.

9) Heed the words of formerly funky ass black dudes (see Lady)
If Lionel Richie comes to you with a song about a lady, you sing the fuck out of that song. Because those in the know know that LR is not only beloved by Islamic men (and may be the key to ending the War on Terr)but also can write a country song better than anyone else (for those doubters, pleeeeeese YouTube "Stuck on You" and "Sail On"). Sometimes, that song may even go to #1 and become your biggest pop hit.

10) Listen to dying men on trains (from The Gambler)
Train trips suck I bet, with all that jostling and staring at cornfields. So if some dude who is wheezing and coughing comes up to you and notices you are out of aces, give him some of your hooch if he asks for it. Because he may impart you with advice such as "you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run." This may be the most universal, succinct and brilliant life path ever put down in a pop song.

There you go. Use these ten tips as a starting point, not an endpoint, on discovering the Tao of Kenny. Take it to heart, and LIVE!!! I just may drop in to see what condition your condition is in from time to time...

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

2010-10-03T11:41:00.002-05:00

Oh Jesus Fucking Christ, this weekend was a blur. Is it even possible to nurse a hangover from two days prior when you drank the night beofre? Mainly I stuck to Schell's Dark at the Milla wedding last night. I don't think the body could take any more hardness after the Sailor Jerry/Vodka Lemonade duality of Friday night. Still, barely can get out of bed this morning. Just sitting around, Google Image searching for the chick who published the Duke Fuck List PowerPoint and listening to pre-Buckingham/Nicks Fleetwood Mac. Which is surprisingly fucking good, for those who are interested.

Sometimes I wonder how long one is supposed to party like this. It especially hits me when I go to a friends wedding and the majority of the guests leave before eight. And those guests were not the old lady silver fox set, but my contemporaries. Those wonders usually pass when I realize that those who leave weddings before eight are boring fucks, the kind of people who eat brunch without Mimosas and only get it on missionary except for once a year to "spice things up in the bedroom". These people never once considered screwing on a couch or in a kitchen.

So I guess for now I will keep on keeping on going like I do. Singing karaoke at a shitty VFW and making out in some random lawn in Uptown is much more interesting than antiquing anyways.

Game of Pricks

2010-09-27T22:29:00.001-05:00

Greatest song ever sung by a hard charging drunkard ex-elementary school teacher, or just one of the greatest songs ever? You be the judge.

US Open Fight (A Deconstruction)

2010-09-04T11:35:00.003-05:00

And this is why I have no desire to visit New York anytime soon...

This video encapsulates almost every goddamn stereotype about New York that has ever been bandied about. You have the fat Italian woman screaming at the guido because he was being "rude" (when is screaming at a complete stranger not rude?). You have the random public "fucks" in that disgusting accent. You have a Greek chorus of other disgustingly accented Noo Yawkers screaming random shit instead of actually helping resolve the conflict. And finally, you have a fat man in a Mets hat throwing in his two cents long after the whole thing should have been finished.

No wonder most of the world hates us...at least the French would have made a public sporting altercation look sexy.

Ladies of the 80s: Belinda Carlisle

2010-08-30T21:25:00.003-05:00

Today I was on a serious 80s kick in the Focus and I went to one of my standbys whilst rocking the fuck out. That standby is former Go-Go Belinda Carlisle.

I've had a crush on Belinda Carlisle since I was like five or six, and even though she was super 80s hot (look at that sleeved tube top!) I would like to think its because of the tunes. A Belinda Carlisle song FEELS like falling into a crush. For some reason, whenever I hear "Mad About You" it reminds me of going around on one of those octopus things at a carnival with some cute chick. But its never modern times, its always 1986 and I have a jean jacket and she has Bon Jovi bangs...

The big hit was "Heaven is a Place on Earth" of course, and if you've ever heard it you don't need to be told of its greatness. All of her songs are like that. Some sort of amazing girly concotion of rock guitar, cutesy vocals about being weak or heaven or sand circles, and then the chorus repeated in the fade. There isn't sistas doing stuff like this anymore. Well, maybe Kelly Clarkson (who was also derided for being chubby but whom I actually found sexier with some chubb) and her songs are more about not hooking up with drunk dudes and breathing for the first time.

So I salute you Belinda. The real life Miss Carlisle drank during her pregnancy and made Elton John look like a recreational coke user, but in song, you were the perfect crush for a little fat kid from Minneapolis.

I Hate Mike Napoli's F*****g Beard

2010-08-22T21:50:00.003-05:00

With the Twins taking the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim-Orange County Burbank to the woodshed this evening, I figured it would be the perfect time to comment on the one thing on the OTHER L.A. team that bothers me.

I hate Mike Napoli's fucking beard.

Now, I really don't know all that much about Mike Napoli, other than he's a) of Italian descent b) he's been on the Angels for at least two years and c) his mom has excellent tits (Google that shit, now!). What I do know is that he has, by a wide margin, the shittiest beard in MLB.

I first laid eyes on Napoli's facial follicles in the opening series of 2008. Me and my roomies at the time were transfixed by the Angels catchers beard. It wasn't particularly that he had a beard that offended me, it was the way it was trimmed. That shit rides higher on Napoli's face than Steve Urkel's pants. The offensive beard leaves neck pudge visible, which is a no no. The beard is also not very full, nor has it ever been. It's sort of like a George Michael crossed with Don Johnson thing.

Now every Twins-Angels game since then has had me staring at Napoli, wondering if he will let the face salad grow full and free of its cheek constraints onto his neck (as nature no doubt intended). Every time, I end up disappointed because the high rising 80s shadow beard remains. So until Napoli wises up and grows a Jayson Werth face thicket or a Kevin Youkilis Greek God Goatee, I will forever be hollerin' "I hate Mike Napoli's Fucking Beard!!!!!"

Softball Recap 8/20/10 (Kings of the Yard)?

2010-08-19T23:33:00.003-05:00

Fall ball got off to an epic start this week. Tuesday night consisited of a revamped Revolution Softball Club splitting out our doubleheader in Plymouth. We played the city champs close, losing by three in the nightcap. Seeing the old legend "White Power" Bill was a treat, as his bat was still hotter than Katy Perry in a pillowfight.

The Friendly Fridley on Thursday however was much more epic. The 1-2-3 Kids mistakenly signed up for upper D. Personally, I thought the squad would get crushed...especially when I saw our brahsome opponents. I have never seen so many trailer trash chinstrap beards, cargo/Jean shorts, flatbills and brah faces in my life. One fucker even cocked his flatbill sideways.

It didn't get much better during the game. The Tupac Fan Club jumped out to a 7-2 lead, and I got doubled off second. Cocked flatbill felt the need to comment on my girth in a way only someone who thinks he's united for Compton can. This got the squad amped, and the 1-2-3 Kids rolled for the win. Then we rolled into the second game where I went yard, Tom Klick went yard, and Jordan Eickholt went yard. Somehow Jeff Hill drew like four walks, and we ten ruined the Dirtballs or the fucking Balls Deep or whatever the fuck brahskis call their squads.

Most satisfying site was seeing their bleach blonde Aveda trailer queen ladies leave the game early because their men couldn't hold a candle to our rag tag squad. I'm sure they were hitting up some Two Stooges or some A-Town spots.

Broken Social Scene Is My New Favorite Band!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-09T22:16:00.004-05:00

OMG!!! And I havent even fucking heard them!

So I was at Starbucks on Saturday night, buzzed on Surly and preggo with sushi (a freaking SPAM/Pinapple/Cream Cheese loveroll) and I came across one of those free iTunes download cards of a group called Broken Social Scene. I immeadetly fell in love. These peeps were everything I wanted in a indie fucktard band looks wise. The above is a similar pic.

I mean, come on! From left, you have the following;
Fat Bearded Hipster Fuck - I bet this guy is the drummer
Hipster Fuck Who Thinks He's John Doe from X - Probable lead singer/guitarist
Chuck Klosterman Hipster Fuck - This guy loves both basketball and Warrant
OMFG Feist! - The most hipster chick on Earth 2005
Bald Ironic Hipster Fuck - Nice Alferd E. Neuman shirt
Lounge Lizzard Hipster Fuck - The Serge Gainsbourg fan in the group
Strokes Looking Maritime Jacket Hipster Fuck - This guy probably plays synths
Other Hipster Chick in the Band Who I Would Love to Fuck - Pretty self explanatory
Rick Rubin Circa 1986 Stoner Hipster Fuck - This guy somehow has to DJ. Or he is their dealer. Or he may spike the punch with Spanish Fly and put a pie in Tabatha Soren's face
Mike D Hipster Fuck - Actual name: Clarence. And of course he's hugging on Rick

From what I remember hearing about this band like five years ago, they may be powerpop (me likey) and they are for fucking sure from Ca-Nada (me also likey, if it can get me some Molson Dry). What I KNOW about the Scene is that I would murder for their record collections but would never want to talk to them, you know, because my records would be shit to their sensabilities.

I also wonder what the Scene dreams in their loft apartments at night. Do they lament the probable lack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in Ottawa? Are their adventures to Willamsburg to get boat shoes and "I Love Intercourse, PA" t-shirts? What do they eat for breakfast? Have they ever played Rick Astley anthems un-ironically? So many unanswered questions that my new favorite band poses to my feeble non hipster brain.

Comfort Music?

2010-08-01T22:45:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks I haven't been quite myself. A breakup can do that to a man.

Besides having conflicting sad/angry emotions, sometimes crippling self doubt, and a general loss of appetite, I have been listening to a lot of music. I'm not sure what most people turn to musically when something traumatic happens. I would assume 70s singer/songwriters or maybe Slayer? Not this guy though...I play the most inane pop music of the 80s.

I have about 15 gigs of 80s Top 100 Billboard charts on my iPod, and they have been on shuffle for the last couple of weeks at home, at work, and in the car. It's gotten so bad at work that one of my co-workers actually said (after I explained exactly WHY I was listening to "Kyrie" for the 15th time that week) "now you are making us all suffer". Yet I still turn to my comfort music.

Comfort music is not like comfort food (although they both theoretically share Meat Loaf). At least I don't THINK they are the same. One man's "How Will I Know" could be another man's Cure or maybe Otis Redding. Hell, I don't even know if anyone else does this. My personal belief is that my favorites (whether it be "The Blue Album", "Ten", "The Low End Theory" or "Exile on Main St.") should not be tainted by bad memories of the down times. I want to hear "Rocks Off" in a month or two and shake my sexy white ass without thinking about all the bad shit that I am currently going through.

Fortunately, 80s shit pop is untouchable like Elliot Ness. One cannot put special meaning on Jermaine Stewart or the song "Look Away" by Chicago. All those songs remind me of are being five years old and running through sprinklers and jumping on beds and trips to 7-Eleven for Slurpees and Tony Gwynn's jheri curl on a 1989 Donruss baseball card. The disposableness of those joints makes them have no emotional heft, and I can only tie them to positive memories at a time in my life where I really couldn't feel hurt. They are my aural Salisbury Steak.

Most Disappointing Fast Food Items

2010-07-21T23:40:00.002-05:00

When one thinks of fast food, one thinks quick, cheap, good, but a little slutty. Or at least that is what I think. I always feel like I looked at some really messed up internet lovin' after I eat a Big Mac. Sure I feel satisfied and great, but I sort of hate myself afterwards. So recently, I cut down on the fast food to once a week. Subway, Jimmy Johns, Quiznos, and Chipotle are excluded because they are like a comitted relationship, not the sleazy trysts that await at Maca Dons.

This lack of fast food in my life has got me thinking about limited time offerings that I have had over the years. Some, like the late beloved McCheddar Melt, will live in imfamy in my brain. Others, like the Cuban Sandwich I had at Subway today, are on my no-fly list. Here are a few others that broke my cholesterol choked heart:

The Arch Deluxe - McDonalds dropped this bomb on us in the mid-90s. The Arch Deluxe was supposed to make baby boomers eat McDonalds at times when their whiny kids didn't want it. The sandwich was a failure, probably due to over advertising (I specifically remember getting free coupons in Sports Illustrated for a month for free sandwiches). My whole family also got food poisoning from these bad boys, probably due to the shitty djon sauce they used on the crappy potato bread roll.

Any Grilled Stuft Burrito - Who the hell came up with this idea? The press (so magical with the quesadilla) burns the shit out of the burrito, so every flavor consists of char and bean. Negative bonus points for the Ceasar Wrap Burrito T-Bell tried a few years ago. Nothing says awesome like grilled fucking lettuice.

The Cuban Sandwich - Subway dropped the ball with this one. The Cuban is a bland Islamic/Jewish nightmare sammich in general(nothing but pork on pork, much like the Rosanne-Tom Arnold union). Subway's bland way with things make eating this taste like munching mustard coated sawdust. Even sexy ass red onions couldn't save this 12" Titanic.

Ribs at Burger King - I never tried these things, but Burger King gets me sick as all hell when I eat there for some reason. So I assume the ribs there had to blow. I mean, come on! McDonalds doesn't do foie fucking gras. Stick to your guns, Whopper Land!

The Bert Burger - When I found out about the Bert Burger I was super amped. Wendy's used to have a melt burger back in my college days with Thousand Island that killed. And what was that on Bert's eponymous burger? Yep, 1-0-0-0 Island! Too bad they used just a little dollop, and the huge ass bun soaked it all up. It just goes to show, don't be shy with that sauce!

Honorable mention goes to the Double Down at KFC, even though I believe they were being hipster ironic and daring fatasses to eat the thing. As a large American with a weakness for MSG and irony, I tried it. And it blew, but I knew that deep down in my being going into it. It was sort of like watching a Dane Cook movie. No substance, but high ironic comedy.

Thoughts, feelings, suggestions?

SUGAR - If I Can't Change Your Mind

2010-07-18T16:27:00.001-05:00

I'm in a real sad sack mood lately, and I think I've probably listened to this song about 20 times in the last three days. Man, Bob Mould must have had some SHIT happen to him with dudes breaking his heart. A friend of mine claims that most of these songs are secretly written about Husker Du mate Grant Hart, and I don't know whether or not to believe her on that one...but it makes sense.

Any way you slice it, one of the most carthartic break up songs of all time. Thanks Mister Mould for making my world a little brighter with your pain and suffering.

SIDE NOTE: Did you know Bob Mould was one of the writers for WCW during the Monday Night Wars era in the late 1990s? I've always wondered what angles he planned...and why he was working as a wrestling writer. What other indie legends could have done this? Billy Corgan tried to buy ECW back in the day too I guess...all I gotta say is what the hell?

Vegas Baby

2010-06-29T17:56:00.003-05:00

After having spent a weekend in Las Vegas, I discovered that the old adage about a city having its own personality holds very true. For example, Milwaukee is a messy, lazy city built on the commerce of one export, beer. And the city loves it. It is comfortable in its own skin.

Vegas, on the other hand, is fake. Fake skyline, fake tan, fake tits, fake everything. And I was incredibly enamored with it. At the newsstand in my hotel they sold the one local Vegas daily, but also the New York Post, The London Daily Mail and a Japanese daily. No one cares about the local news, the city just serves as a sandbox for outsiders. This is the charm (and the curse) of Vegas.

My crew decided to venture off the strip to go to In-N-Out Burger. Let's just say the experience was eye opening. A pimp tried to grift my phone from me. Persians did shots of some sort of lemon liqueur while screaming "fuck" every other word. And a local in a Justin Bieber t-shirt and stunner shades claimed he was a regular, and then preceded to botch his order at the counter.

The key to the above paragraph is the location: In-N-Out is off the strip. The strip is clean, a joy to behold, safe. The off strip locations from what I saw were dirty, filled with low rent hotels and gas stations, and void of any people. When I stayed in Vegas a few years ago, I stayed at the south end of the strip past Mandalay Bay and it was very similar. Dead area, dicey.

On the strip though, the fakeness can be amazing. Watching a fountain show in front of the Bellagio (in a city that should have no water) is fun. Drinking Coca-Cola products from around the world is fun. Losing 100 bucks while playing slots is also strangely fun. But all these experiences are absolutely fake. You can't do any of these things in real life, in any other city in America(save for the gambling thing, and its not as fun to drop a Hondo with the old blue hairs at Treasure Island or Mystic Lake).

So Vegas is fake. But I wouldn't have my strip experience any other way. So I'm going to stay in the sandbox.

It's Been A Long Time Since I Left You...

2010-06-23T21:37:00.002-05:00

...and I'm back kids!

So I have bought a guap of new CDs lately, and let me tell you, this has been an amazing summer for music. Tuesday I picked up the new Kele (the lead singer of Bloc Party) and The Roots. The Kele joint is sort of like Depeche Mode crossed with the gayness of Erasure, and the song "Tenderoni" is probably not about the same girl Bobby B was singing about if you get my drift. Still, I knew what I was getting into when I bought it...I wanted me some sexually ambiguous techno pop.

The Roots disc is murky and solid like their last three. Listenable all the way through. I really dig the track "Radio Daze" (it sounds like the hook was crooned by Gil-Scott Heron) and the Jim James guest starring "Dear God 2.0". The Roots boys should just do a whole album of reworkings of others songs ("Dear God" and "The Seed" 2.0s both being fire).

Next for this guy...Vegas baby! I will be so money this weekend I won't even know it. Here's to eating Del Taco/Weinerschnitzel at 5AM in some sort of weird food court!

Land of Body Slams?

2010-05-28T21:34:00.004-05:00

One of my secret pleasures is pro wrestling. Well, I should add that not WWE as it is now but the old school shit, from about 1980 to maybe 2000, when WCW and the greatest of all time ECW went out of business. Yes, these were the golden ages, where titans like Hogan, Savage, Flair and Austin battled for my mind and heart.

Needless to say, I read a guap (thanks MIMS) about the goings on in the squared circle around this time. One thing I read was that Abe Lincoln, the Man by all accounts, was the champion of the world. The only other person who can defend this statement is Mister Jeff Hill, and I guess he saw it on a documentary or something. And the only time this is discussed is when both of us are shit faced, in between debating who's record collection is better.

But, now I have proof. I guess Honest Abe murked some fool outside precursor to a Target and then they joined forces to become the first example of the Mega Powers. All I can say is...rad. Fucking rad.

Abe vs Armstong for the Intercontinental Title:
http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln48

Yacht Rock 12

2010-05-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

This may be the best episode of anything ever...or at least since that Cheers where Kevin McHale was the guest star.

Confessions Pt. 3

2010-05-09T16:40:00.002-05:00

-Five Guys Burgers and Fries is the most amazing take out hamburger ever. I think I have perfected my toppings finally (Bacon Double Cheese, fried onions, A-1 Sauce, pickle and green pepper). I don't know how In-N-Out is going to compare to this in June.

-I bought Miles Davis "Kind of Blue" the other day in the cutout bin for two bucks because everyone always hypes it as mind blowing. I listened to it, and I can see why everyone is amazed by it...but it only affected me in a way that classical music does. I can appreciate the amazing musicianship, but its not my cup of tea. Maybe I will revisit it sometime down the road.

-The other night I actually enjoyed wine. A lot. Although I bought a bottle of Riesling and I was defininetly not beasting off it like Kanye. It really sucked and me and my lovely dinner companion ended up dumping out the bottle.

-Three days of softball may be a bit too much for one man to do in a week. I'm still going to do it though, because I love the game like Favre loves football. I'm an old gunslinger I guess.

Half Price Books Rant

2010-04-21T23:20:00.004-05:00

Tonight I stopped off at my local Half Price Books after having a few for a work happy hour thing. HPB sounded like a good idea due to the fact that I was a little buzzed (How did I know this? I bumped "Arthur's Theme" by Christopher Cross and sang along at full blast). In retrospect, I should have just went home.

HPB is one of my fave raves when it comes to finding cheap records and CDs. But 50% of the patrons are, to put it bluntly, the scum of the fucking Earth. Tonight a 400 lb sweathog in a neon yellow shirt was screaming about how he found the "Great Milenko" by the Insane Clown Posse and asking his little subservient bitch friend if Moby was "some kind of DJ". The dudes purchases consisted of the aforementioned ICP disc, 10,000 Maniacs unplugged, and a Staind CD. He then literally ran out of the store giggling with his partner in bondage.

Last week at the same HPB, a fat dude in a Canadian Tuxedo waxed poetic to his autistic looking son about Don Knotts and how he "remembered him", how zombie movies were so bad they were "dead" (pun intended) and how Dog Day Afternoon and Reservoir Dogs were the same movie because "they both had that Harvey dude in them".

Also to be noted, none of these people are even giving the books a glance. It's always the VHS tapes and the DVDs that are getting the most play.

Will the sweet mix of white trash, hipsters and the mentally challenged stop me from digging in the crates? Definitely not. But it just feels nice to bitch about it every once in a while. I see HPB more than I see my extended family, so I think at this point I have earned the right to rant about Auntie Half Price.

Record Store Day Journal 2010

2010-04-20T22:46:00.005-05:00

Saturday was the 3rd annual Record Store day. I always get really hyped up for record store day and then puss out on buying any of the big ticket shit because it's too spendy. This year was no different. But let me start with my two previous record store day experiences.

2008 - I went to a record store in Memphis called Katz (I believe) on Record Store Day. No one was there. The only "special releases" were a Black Keys 45 and an REM 45. Seeing as how I owned the records those songs came from, I said fuck it. I did get a goodie bag with the uber-shitty remake of "Wanna Be Startin Something" in it. I also think I bought "Dandy In The Underworld" by T.Rex. Oh wait, that was at the FYE on the Vanderbilt campus. Nevermind. But that record does kick some major ass...

2009 - Record Store Day 2009 was a little more hyped. The only record I really wanted was the Flaming Lips 45 of "Borderline" b/w a Black Keys cover. I guess it was sold out everywhere...except for the dinky ass Down in the Valley by my house. That was the only purchase I made that day.

2010 - This year, there was about four records I was amped for. I knew I wasn't going to get the Hold Steady LP (especially in MPLS) but I figured I could cop the Queens of the Stone Age, Passion Pit and Phoenix discs for cheap. Fortunately for me, I got Twins tickets and couldn't go to the stores early. Because the day was a dissapointment.

Cheapo in Uptown had the QOTSA and Phoenix records, but the QOTSA record was going for 16 bone for four tracks (one of which I owned). So I picked up the Phoenix record for 6 bucks...along with the Pavement "Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain" deluxe edition, the new(ish) Mos Def, and "The Handler" by Har Mar Superstar for under 16 bucks TOTAL.

Figuring my luck may be better at the hole in the wall Down In The Valley I scored at the year previous, I high tailed it over there. That is where I experienced the living, breathing personification of Comic Book Guy

ME: "You have any of the Record Store Day stuff?
RECORD STORE GUY: "Yeah, we have two Pantera records and Owl City."
ME: "Um, do you have the Queens of the Stone Age EP"
RECORD STORE GUY: "NO! That sold within 20 minutes"
ME: "Yeah, I saw it at Cheapo for 16. Kinda expensive"
RECORD STORE GUY: "That's the retail. 16"
ME: "Still expesive for four tracks"
RECORD STORE GUY: "Whatever, its worth, like 100 bucks! There's only 500 of them!"
ME: (Immeadetly leaves the store)

I don't know how the clerk immediately became Beckett Record Store Monthly, or who raised him, but I was about done after that shit. I did hit up Cheapo Fridley, where they had an abundance of the damn Owl City record. The only purchase there was "The Best of The Move" on CD.

Five days later, I still regret not buying that Queens of the Stone Age record...

Inside Target Field

2010-04-18T21:01:00.002-05:00

Whoa, Nellie! Yesterday was one of those days that will stick with me forever, long after I am bald, fatter, and probably divorced from my Mail Order Russian bride. Saturday, April 17th was monumental in the life of one Jacob Donald Eickholt for one reason - I finally got to see the Minnesota Twins play outdoors at their own stadium.

I have been to probably 75-100 games in the Dome in my lifetime, starting with my first game against the Red Sox in the Summer of 1988. None of the games in the Dome (with the exception of Game 163 last year) can compare with the outdoor baseball I saw yesterday.

Everything was perfect, the green grass, the smell of sausages grilling, the fauxback unis the Twins were wearing. Everything. Walking around the concourses, I thought "I have been missing out on this for 22 years, and now it's here". Not gonna lie, I got a little overwhelmed by it all...yep, thankfully I was wearing sunglasses.

But enough about my emotional state. It's time for a review of the ammenities. The food choices at the Dome sucked. The only thing other than a Dome Dog that kicked any sort of ass was the giant Chicago Dog that you had to be drunk as hell to order.

Target Field, on the other hand, has overwhelmingly awesome food at just about every consession stand. The group I was with did the old "buy a ton of shit and pass it around routine" so I got to try a bunch of stuff. My faves were the Cheese Curds (very similar to the ones at Miller Park) and the Vincent Burger (a Jucy Lucy stuffed with short ribs and smoked Gouda). The Vincent was 12 bucks, but may have been the most delicious "gimmick" burger I have ever had. The only drawback food wise was that the Schweigert Hot Dogs couldn't hold a candle to the Dome Dog.

The restrooms had no troughs, which was nice for a non-public peeer like myself. The only acceptable trough at the Target would have been a double sided joint like they have at Wrigley. Since they didn't go with that, the urinals will have to do.

Maybe the best change was the actual seats. At the Dome, a large American like myself would usually have to sit uber-spread eagle to avoid kneeing the person in front of him. Target Field gives much more leg and ass room, so there was no need to worry on my part about hitting the sexy MILF in front of me with an errant knee.

Out of the six other MLB stadiums I have visited (including the Dome), Target Field is the nicest. That's not just homerism either. The Target feels like it has always been there, nestled in its little corner of downtown, beckoning all with its charms.

Secret 90s Song of The Day

2010-04-09T10:32:00.002-05:00

Continuing with the trend of songs that sound like they came out in 1988 but in all actuality were much, much later...I give you today's song.

This one will go into the category of "songs I totally forgot existed". Let the record state that I am a superfan of Go West's biggesst hit "King of Wishful Thinking". I mean, I would play that song every day if I could, and I got insanely jealous at my brother once for finding the 12" single at a thrift store.

Now if you are a fan of "King of Wishful Thinking" then you will be a fan of this song. Cause it's pretty much the same goddamn tune. The only difference is that instead of a danceable ode to never getting over some chick (possibly Julia Roberts?) "Faithful" is a dancable ode to being "faithful to a lover's prayer." What the fuck is a lover's prayer anyways? The cats from Go West never really elaborate on this, just that they will be faithful. Seems like sort of a cop out to me...

Go West hit #14 with this slice of cheez, which I think is a perfect chart placing. "King of Wishful Thinking" hit #8, so "Faithful" is almost the chart half life of the song it carbon copied. Fitting. If this song were a restaurant, it would be Arby's. Mediocre but strangely satisfying.

Secret 80s Song of the Day

2010-04-06T21:55:00.003-05:00

If there is one thing that screams "Look at me motherfucker, I came out in 1987!" it's programmed electronic drums. Our pick for the day has them in spades.

Upon first glance, Breakfast Club looks like a cut rate Madness. "Where are the horns", you may ask? The answer is horns didn't sell anymore, it was all about programmed electronic drums good sir. It also appears that the band saw that Pee Wee's Playhouse was giant in 1987, so they filmed their video in a knockoff of his famous abode. Not too mention that the band had the same name as one of the biggest movies of the decade. This was one club of opportunists.

According to my gay lover Wikipedia, the Club also featured not only Randy "American Idol Dawg" Jackson as a member at one point but...wait for it...Madonna on drums. Yes, the Material Girl played fucking drums for this act at one point. No wonder they went with the electronic programmed skins for this juicy cut. It's not like Keith Moon was back there.

Anyways, this song reminds me of ads for dance clubs in hotel lobbies that had teen nights. It probably also got mad play at Skateland, seeing as how it is about dancing and being on track. If this song's cool could be personified by an 80s celeb, it would be Judd Nelson...stone cold, baby.

Record Show Journal 4/3/10

2010-04-04T21:20:00.004-05:00

The Bi-Monthly Uptown VFW Record Show went down yesterday morning. As usual, there were a lot of people I wouldn't usually associate with other than the fact that they dig the licorice pizza as much as I do. Sadly, there were more hipsters than old smelly creeps this time. I have never seen so many tan cardigans outside of a repeat of Mister Rogers Neighborhood.

One tan cardigan douche hipster was arguing about Cocateau Twins records with some clown who had all his 12" records priced at like 20 bucks a pop (I mean, really, who would pay that much for a single of "Come On Eileen"?). King fucking hipster douche claimed he owned all the Cocateau Twins 12"ers, at which point I felt like interjecting "who the fuck cares? That band kinda blew anyways". But I just shut my fat mouth and continued looking for glam rock records.

ANYWAYS...I got some good finds there, at Cheapo, and at HPB today. The cream of the crop:

"Do You Wanna Get Funky With Me" by Peter Brown - This album cover contains the awesomest naked boob in album cover history. The damn thing is so perky...oh, and its got some disco jams that rule also.

"Emotional Rescue" by Englands Newest Hitmakers - Mainly bought it for Dance, but Dance Pt. II is way fucking better. More of the disco shit between the besties "Some Girls" and "Tattoo You".

"We Went to Different High Schools Together" by The Jaggerz - Donnie Irises first group, way more psychedelic than The Rapper would lead you to believe.

"Street Legal" by Robert Zimmerman - Minnesota native does pop album about Ponies and broads crying. Then he turns to Jesus. I didn't think the album was Messiah worthy.

"Knife" by Aztec Camera - 80s Brit Pop at its best.

Also picked up a late period Sly record I haven't listened to yet, a Roy Wood outtakes album, and some Hall and Oates (who never lie). Good time had by all who attended I believe.

Secret 90s Song of the Day

2010-04-02T18:45:00.003-05:00

Moving on into the 1990s...which, at least until about 1994, didn't sound that much different from the late 1980s (at least in the pop realm). Sure, Nirvana and Pearl Jam were creating insanely personal music that owed more of a debt to the 70s than the 80s. But the records on CHR Radio owed a huge debt to, um, 1988. Listen to the following song and tell me what year you think its from:

Give up? 1993. If it weren't for Jeremy Jordan's Cross Colour inspiried wardrobe, this video coulda come from Rick Astley's debut album. I totally forgot about this joint and I am really ashamed to say it, but 5th grade Jake REALLY loved this song. I even remember the little factoid that Rick Dees used to introduce this song on the top 40: that Jeremy Jordan was homeless until this song hit big. Something tells me that by 1994, Mister Jordan was homeless again.

The song itself is the bastard son of a Michelob ad and the song "C'est La Vie" by Robbie Nevil. All computerized nonsense beats, cosmopolitan crooning, and a bit of a rap. I am sure the right kind of night involved a bottle of Cool Water colonge, a burnt orange silk shirt, and a chick who looked like Taylor Dayne.

Sadly, this song was dated by 1993 and Jeremy Jordan faded from popualrity after another single ("Wannagirl") that sounded even MORE dated than "The Right Kind of Love". Still, a great song from a time in my life when all that mattered was RPG battles with my GI Joes and riding my bike to Tom Thumb to buy Tahitian Treat.

Secret 80s Cut of the Day

2010-04-01T22:00:00.005-05:00

Recently, I was presented with complete versions of the Billboard Hot 100 year end charts (in MP3 form) from 1980 to 1999. Unfortunately, this is pretty much all I have been listening to for the last two weeks. Fortunately, I am finding a lot of songs I blocked out of my memory, forgot about, or just plain never heard. For the next couple of weeks, I am going to present my loyal reader(s) with some of the cream of the crop. We're gonna start off with a #11 hit from 1986. Yes, here's some Toto.

Toto decided to become Chicago or something with this cut. The passion! The intensity! The McDonald! I remember hearing this joint many many times in the back seat of my parents Delta 88, probably being introduced by Dan Donovan on KS95 (when all KS95 played was supple ass jams like this and "No One Is To Blame" by Howard Jones). For all I know, this song could have played the time my parents took me to Children's Palace and said I could pick out any toy I wanted...and I picked out a Noid toy. I didn't avoid the Noid. But I digress...

I like to judge 80s wuss bullet ballads on a scale of supple. The most supple song of all time is "One More Night" by Phil Collins. It sounds as soft as a baby's ass feels. The suppleness of Toto's "I'll Be Over You" is improved by the Robert Horry of supple, Michael McDonald, singing backups. Yes Big Shot Mike only played for champs when he sang those backups, just like Horry. So if "One More Night" is a 10 on Moh's Scale of Supple, and "Slam" by Onyx is a 0, I give Toto's "I'll Be Over You" an 8.5 on the scale. The only way it could have improved its rating would have been more tinkling piano, and perhaps a 45 second tenor sax solo.

Ma-Ma-Ma-uer

2010-03-21T22:30:00.003-05:00

So finally the Twins wrap up Big Baby Jesus for 23M a year. Not a bad investment in my opinion. He puts butts in the seats (in some cases, very cute, female butts) and his merch/celeb status probably makes the Twins nearly that a year in revenue. I saw the MLB The Show commercial 10+ times this weekend while watching the tourney.

Its funny to see the way the Twin Cities media is covering the signing though. WCCO ran a crawl during basketball to announce it, sort of like it was the hostages being freed or something. FOX9 spent damn near half their newscast with man on the street reactions and an interview with Al Newman! All in all though, there will be a lot of people in Minnesota, the Dakotas, and parts of Wisconsin who will sleep better tonight.

Spring Training, Etc.

2010-03-13T13:37:00.002-06:00

When I moved into the new abode, the switch was made from Comcast Cable to Direct TV. On the whole, I enjoy Comcast more (more video channels and less infomercial channels). But Direct TV has all the sports networks (MLB, NHL, NBA and NFL) for free. And now that I have spent some time with it, the MLB Network is a must.

Also got Twins tickets for the April 17th game today vs Kansas City. I don't think I've been more amped up for a baseball season in years. While watching the preseason game against the Phillies, I realized that the Twins have a superhero style lineup. Thome, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, Mauer, Span, Hudson...even throw Delmon Young into that batch, reluctantly. Damn this year is going to be fire.

Random thought of the day:
What happened to sundresses on girls? Are these cool anymore? My buddy and I were talking about how much we enjoyed a chick in a sundress the other day, and we asked both these questions. If sundresses aren't cool anymore, I think they need to be brought back.

Undertones-Get Over You

2010-03-10T19:55:00.001-06:00

I have a wicked case of the flu this evening. On top of that, I STILL had to work a 10 hour day. Seeing this clip makes everything better though...

Top Ten PJ Songs (By Request)

2010-03-09T22:11:00.002-06:00

Since you asked for it...here are my top ten Pearl Jam songs. In no particular order.

10."In My Tree" from No Code
9."Yellow Leadbetter" Single
8."Once" from Ten
7. "Satan's Bed" from Vitalogy
6. "Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town" from Vs
5. "Breath" from Singles Soundtrack
4. "Jeremy" from Ten
3. "Betterman" from Vitalogy
2. "Rearviewmirror" from Vs
1. "Given To Fly" from Yield

This list was incredibly hard to come up with. Pearl Jam put out three consecutive discs of classic songs between 1991-1994. As for covers, I really enjoy the Baba O' Riley cover, as well as their "I Got You" cover.

Oscars 2010: Ain't Nothin Else On

2010-03-07T21:39:00.002-06:00

Sunday night is a depressing night for yours truly. It usually consists of laundry and being pissed I have to work the next day. Also, all the good stuff on TV is usually done by 7PM.

This Sunday features the Springtime rite of passage called The Oscars. I usually have the Oscars on in the background, sort of like I did with the Olympics. A quick glance is all it usually merits. For some reason, I actually have been watching the telecast this year.

My personal highlight is always the death montage. This year the producers uped the ante by having creepy old uncle type James Taylor sing "In My Life" while the pics of dead celebs fly by. The "holy shit" moment for me was seeing that Ron Silver died. I guess there won't be a Timecop 2 anytime soon. Oh, and also how creepy Macaualy Culkin looks. Its like that little bastard never aged, only grew a little taller.

PS-Cindy Crawford is now hawking clothes for JC Penny. I just want to say, she still looks smokin'. Prince, if you are reading this, I think its time to write a "Cindy C II" post haste.

Spring All of Me

2010-03-01T19:38:00.003-06:00

Quoth Homer Jay Simpson, "Lousy Smarch weather". I, for one, cannot wait for Spring to spring. Its a pretty magical time of the year, that Spring. I remember playing backyard baseball in February of 1991 (don't ask why) in 60 degree weather. Why in the hell can't we have that this year? Sure the sun feels nice, but I want it all!

Spring seems to be the time of the year when the entertainment industry comes out of its doldrums and releases some fi-ah. The spring of 1996 seems particularly vivid to me, as I can recall the videos for "Always Be My Baby" by Mariah Carey, "Big Me" by Foo Fighters and "1979" by the Smashing Pumpkins being on regularly. Unfortunately, I don't see "Blah Blah Blah" by Ke$ha an 3Oh!3 igniting my passions like those ditties did.

Oh well, at least we have "Hot Tub Time Machine" to look forward to. Cusack! The dude who plays Daryl on The Office! A Hottub! Magic I tells ya. Magic.

Don't Call It A Comeback....

2010-02-27T12:15:00.002-06:00

So, for some reason, Blogger wouldn't accept my last two posts...anyways, I'm back bitches.

The last month has been hectic as all hell. I worked 19 days in a row due to the fact that half the Wendy's in the MPLS area wanted digital menu boards installed ASAP. Easily the biggest project I ever had to work on. Also, during that rollout, I moved into my new digs on the south side of BP. Well, technically not my digs, my bro and his ladyfriends digs, but you get the drift.

I also bought a 160 GB iPod and a 1.5 TB external hard drive. So I'm in the process of re-loading all my discs onto that bastard. Its giving me a great excuse to rediscover some tunes that slipped through the cracks (ie "Allison's Starting to Happen" by the Lemonheads).

I will try to update this monster more frequently in the coming weeks. Work has slowed to a more manageable pace, and I'm almost settled in now. So, with the exception of three nights of softball this summer, it's gonna be back to normal for old Jakey Poo.

The Cuts!(The 68 Comeback Special Edition)
-"My Girls" - Animal Collective
-"Be Mine!" - Robyn
-"Everything Hits at Once" - Spoon
-"Pure" - The Lightning Seeds
-"Race" - Prince

Jake Day 2010

2010-02-08T16:16:00.002-06:00

So I took the day off today because I had all the confidence in the world that the Vikes would make the Super Bowl. Seeing as how that didn't pay off, I had a Jake Day. I decided to get a ton of shit done instead of the usual sitting around and surfing the net for interesting bullshit. Here's what I accomplished:

10 AM - Went to Cheapo. Bought my brother "The Ramones" for his birthday, along with "Sally Can't Dance" by Lou Reed, "Mr. Tambourine Man" by The Byrds, and NOW 15 from England (which I promptly put up on eBay, hoping to get more than the 10 bucks I paid for it).

10:45 AM - Went to Best Buy to by my brother some group called Billy Talent for his birthday. Also bought a Full Throttle.

11:15 AM - Ate 2 Maxwell Polishes from Chris and Rob's. Instantly remembered how fucking kickass Chris and Rob's is.

1 PM - Took the Focus in for a tune up. Had to put a new tire on.

1:15 PM - Went to GameStop. Was shocked that the hipster chick working behind the counter was sort of punky cute. Bought FIFA 07 and the Ghostbusters game.

2:30 PM - Got the Focus back, with $120 less in my pocket.

All in all, probably the most productive day I have had in months. Hooray me.

Chart of Glass

2010-01-30T16:52:00.008-06:00

I have been following the Billboard Charts since I was really, really little. I remember listening to Casey Kasem when I was in grade school, and cutting out the top ten lists from the Star Tribune every Sunday. So when Billboard published a column on famous songs that had lower than expected chart positions, I was enthralled.

I would have never guessed that "Zombie Nation" (aka the OH OH WHOA OH OH song they play at sporting events) would have only went to #99.

http://www.billboard.com/charts#/column/chartbeat/taking-peaks-part-4-nos-25-1-1004062209.story

Jake Eickholt, Vikings Fan, 1987-2010

2010-01-24T21:26:00.002-06:00

I am done. That was it. It's not even homerism, or anger, or whatever. I officially am a free agent NFL fan. I cannot take this shit anymore. Seriously, 4 NFC title games in my lifetime, 4 heartbreaking losses. And we are done in by Favre doing the same motherfucking, god-damned thing he did for years (up until this season): throw a fucking "gunslinging" pick at a crucial moment in a game. Did it in the Super Bowl against the Broncos, did it in the NFC title game against the Giants. Did it again this year.

I'm open to suggestions, ideas, whatever you will throw at me. I could take up the English Premeir League, or jai ali or something like that. Whatever it is, I cannot take this shit anymore. I just can't. It's not worth my mental health, my well-being, or my sanity. Fuck this shit.

Skol, Vikings

2010-01-24T11:02:00.002-06:00

I am a ball of nerves right now. In less than six hours, the Vikings will stroll into the Superdome to play (New) America's Team for the NFC Championship and the right to go to the Superbowl.

The other three NFC title games during my lifetime were, as the brahskis like to say, epic fails. Darrin Nelson drops a swing pass, Gary Anderson pulls a field goal and the entire Vikings team is replaced with the Champlin Park High School JV squad in Giants Stadium. That's where we stand. I was told by a friend that we know how this story is going to end this year. Here's to hoping that it won't end with me as a puddle on the ground, surrounded by half eaten Checker's wings and empty Schell's bottles.

I can't even predict this one...I just can't put any sort of gris-gris hex on the Purp. I will go out on a limb and say The J-E-T-S, J-E-T-S, Jets beat the Colts 17-13 in Indy today in the early game. Let's hope that Prince really did see "the future" when he wrote that Vikings song though.

Wizzard (Roy Wood) - See My Baby Jive

2010-01-22T21:01:00.001-06:00

A perfect song, sung by a guy who looks like a cross between Rob Zombie and Gandalf. And what's that...a motherfucking French Horn solo?!?! Who cares what the hell "See My Baby Jive" means. This is manna from the gods.

Best Singles of the Last Decade (Part 2)

2010-01-11T22:42:00.004-06:00

Arcade Fire-Rebellion (Lies)
THE anthem on a whole album full of anthems

LCD Soundsystem-Daft Punk Is Playing In My House
How did this one dude in Brooklyn get Daft Punk to play his house? Did they charge a fee? Even if all the furniture was in the garage, how many people could attend? I WANT ANSWERS!

Damian Marley-All Night
Now we all know what a killer party song by Bob Marley would have sounded like.

Radiohead-There There
Radiohead at their most non Paranoid Androidic.

Get Up Kids-Hannah Hold On
"When its over its over for sure"...ouch.

Flaming Lips-Fight Test
If something is worth fighting for, you better do it. Words to live by. Also, the theme song for the awesome MTV show “3 South”.

The Decemberists-We Both Go Down Together
The gayest, best song R.E.M. never had a chance to write.

At The Drive In-Invalid Letter Department
One of the few political songs of the decade that resonated (at least with me). Before this came out, I had no idea there was a serial killer in Juarez targeting Mexican women.

Alien Ant Farm-Movies
You’d think that the “relationship as a movie” cliché couldn’t be made fresh. AAF proved that wrong with this monster.

Weezer-Dope Nose
Two of the most awesome Weezer lines ever in “Fag of the year/who can beat up your man” and “Cheese tastes so good/ On a burnt piece of lamb”.

Electric Six-Danger! High Voltage
Fire in the disco! Fire in the Taco Bell! You know why they keep starting fires? Desire! YESSSSSSSSS!

Lily Allen-Smile
Oh Lily, you cheeky little monkey! You go ahead and scratch that wanker’s records!

New Pornographers-Sing Me Spanish Techno
Nonsensical lyrics…but that beat!

Tom Petty-Flirting With Time
The king of the South, getting all pastoral and lamenting the passage of time.

Taking Back Sunday-A Decade Under The Infuence
A kickass little emo song, until you realize it’s about the lead singer’s wife having an affair. With the lead guitarist.

Coheed and Cambria-A Favor House Atlantic
Like Rush 2K, all whiny vocals and awesome hair and riffage by the ton.

Gnarls Barkley-Crazy
A transcendant pop moment that Gnarls Barkley could come nowhere near matching.

Raconteurs- Steady as She Goes
The combo of Brendan Benson and Jack White works like PB&J on this one

Beck-Lost Cause
As sad as “Lost Cause” was, it felt like it’s just the beginning of Beck's dark night of the soul at the end of the song.

Pulp-Bad Cover Version
Jarvis Cocker at his arch best, lamenting that his ex picked a “bad cover version” of him. Sort of like “Planet of the Apes on TV”.

Dead Prez-Hip Hop
A song that urged the murder of “crackers in city hall” and somehow got played on MTV. Strangely loved by white dudes.

Interpol-C’Mere
Any song that scored an “Entourage” three-way deserves to make this list

Lil Jon-Get Low
All whistles, coming, panty lines and sweaty balls. An X-rated “Shake Your Booty” for a genreration that never had a chance.

Talib Kweli-Get By (Remix)
If the ’27 Yankees recorded a remix, it would be this. With a rookie Kanye West being Lou Gehrig, and Hov being self proclaimed Great Bambino, of course.

Jimmy Eat World-Work
“All the best DJs are playing the slowest songs for last”. Words to live by.

Jimmy Eat World-The Middle
The “Keep Ya Head Up” for the emo teens.

Wilco-Heavy Metal Drummer
Playing KISS covers, beautiful and stoned in the summer by the water…to quote and old beer ad, “it doesn’t get any better than this.”

Wilco-Spiders (Kidsmoke)
First it’s all prog-rock (or the “Newton’s Apple” Theme) then it fucking rocks like Alice Cooper. Bi-polarness at its best.

Ryan Adams-La Cierga Just Smiled
Sadly beautiful

Clipse-Grindin
Back in the day when Pharrell and coke rap were novel concepts.

Spoon-The Way We Get By
Breaking into mobile homes, getting high. Sounds like a fun night in Coon Rapids…

Andrew WK-Party Hard
Dude was so fierce that he smashed his face with a brick! His party was one that always came hard

White Stripes-Hotel Yorba
Shit kicking front porch music on a Saturday night music.

White Stripes-Seven Nation Army
The opening riff will forever live in infamy.

The Strokes-12:51
The best new single of 1981.

Third Eye Blind-Never Let You Go
So summery, so poppy, so perfect. Floats into your head and never lets you go.

Kings of Leon-The Bucket
Ah young love! Um, at least that is what I think it’s about…

Kings of Leon-Sex On Fire
You know a song has made it when brahskis play an acoustic cover at a sports bar. Yep, it happened, but it somehow didn’t diminish the power of “Sex On Fire”.

The Hold Steady-Little Hoodrat Friend
Craig Finn, you lied! You did get with the little hoodrat. I gotta admit though, she did sound easy and sort of fun.

The Hold Steady-Killer Parties
Just what did Charlemange do? And it really sounds like Ybor City knows how to get down.

Kings of Leon-Knocked Up
A Southern Gothic “Young Turks” that seems too short at 7 minutes

Eminem-Lose Yourself
If this doesn’t get you amped, nothing will. Also, no references to killing women! How novel.

OutKast-Miss Jackson
Best sample of “Here Comes The Bride” ever. Maybe the only one, too. Of course, Andre plays the sweetheart while Big Boi discusses how his member is in a mouth.

Joe-I Wanna Know
A song so undeniably pretty, so syrupy sweet, so old school loverman perfect it’s undeniable.

MGMT-Electric Feel
All blissed out beats and baby girls who shock like electric eels. Where is this place?

The Futureheads-Hounds of Love
Best Kate Bush cover. Ever.

Paul Westerberg-As Far As I Know
“I’m in love with someone who doesn’t exist.” We all are, Paul. We all are.

The Game-Wouldn't Get Far
Love em and leave em. Did you know video "vixens" drive Honda Accords? True story. Thanks The Game!

Modest Mouse-Float On
An anthem of our generation? Yes sir.

Death Cab For Cutie-Expo 86
The coolest Expo themed pop culture moment since Bart and Millhouse trashed the SunSphere.

Death Cab For Cutie-The Sound of Settling
Settling never sounded so earnest.

Death Cab For Cutie-Crooked Teeth
Lamenting drunken crushes and the beauty of it all…

Queens of The Stone Age-In The Fade
QTOSA gets all wistful about death or something with a former Screaming Tree and one hell of a guitar riff.

Queens of the Stone Age-No One Knows
According to my dad, it sounded like “Alabama Song” by the Doors. According to me, it rocked hard as hell.

Deftones-Change (In The House of Flies)
The crowning moment in the career of one Chino Moreno.

Jay-Z-Girls Girls Girls
Best punchline of the decade…the Chinese girl kept bootlegging his shit.

Jay-Z-Roc Boys
Speech! Also beat the Black Eyed Peas to the punch with the whole Jewish toasting thing in a rap song by almost 2 years…

The Killers-When You Were Young
Bigger than the Wild West and more exciting than a hurricane.

The Killers-Somebody Told Me
A song about androgynous love, by a married Mormon dude.

Dr. Dre-The Next Episode
Fucker made us wait 7 years. Damn, it was worth it.

Snoop Dogg-Drop It Like Its Hot
More acapella than “Don’t Worry Be Happy”. Also twice as badass.

Justin Timberlake-Like I Love You
MJ turned this one down to come with “You Rock My World”. Um, way to launch a career Mike.

Kaiser Chiefs-You Can Have It All
Brit pop lives!

Ghostface Killah-Childz Play
For those who didn’t hump the pillow when you were young, Ghostface has some words for you…

Nas-Ether
Jay-Z won the popularity battle, but my god, did Nas win the war.

OK GO-There’s A Fire
How this song was not on Nick Gilder’s debut album is beyond me. Killer new wave pop.

UGK/OutKast-International Players Anthem
Built around one of the most killer samples of all time, it was like a tag team royal rumble of awesome where everybody claimed the strap.

The Roots/Cody ChesnuTT-The Seed 2.0
Sheer fire. Rap, rock, R n B all in one package.

The Dream-Shawty is The Shit!
The Dream is fat, he likes girls who make him pancakes and grits and all that pimp shit. Oh yay-er!

HAL-Plays The Hits
The Beach Boys would have murdered someone for this gem. Or at least had Uncle Charlie and his Fam do some damage…

AND NOW...THE NUMBER ONE SONG OF THE LAST TEN YEARS!

R. Kelly – Ignition (Remix)
We just lived through a pretty pitiful decade. Two wars, the economy is in the shitter, American Idol, Brahski culture, 9/11, etc. Wasn’t it nice when you didn’t have to think about shit like that? When all you had to do was, “bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce” and think of the freakin’ weekend? And ride that beat that was lighter than Jell-o salad?

Best Singles of the Last Decade (Part 1)

2010-01-11T22:23:00.004-06:00

The 2000s (or the aughts, or whatever the fuck you want to call them) will be known as "The Shuffle Decade." No one had any sort of attention span, and life was best experienced in 3 to 5 minute bursts. It was sort of like sex...

Due to that, I chose to shuffle my 100 favorite singles of the last decade. I did name an overall number one (based partially on the fact that it was the most played song on my iPod and mainly on the fact that it is fucking amazing) but the rest need no ranking. They all equally hold a special place in my heart and playlist, for reasons stretching from girls I had "lusty little crushes" on (quoth Craig Finn) to the song just plain "reigning" (quoth Jack Black).

So here we go...

Wheatus-Teenage Dirtbag
Summer with the windows down on the way to White Castle senior year aw fuck it I’m gonna be 18 forever music.

Hey Ya-OutKast
Andre 3000 said that this was like The Smiths and The Ramones. Um, yeah. But it was still perfect in every way.

I’m A Flirt-R. Kelly
If you’re gonna crown his ass the King of R’n’B, then crown him! Kells is who we thought he was!

Valerie-Zutons
All horns and red hair and for godssake come back to him Valerie!

First of The Gang to Die-Morrissey
Moz reaches out to the Latino gang bangers who (for some reason) worship him in the most aching song ever written about light gang violence.

Since You’ve Been Gone-Kelly Clarkson
The best girl pop song since god knows when. She stole the guitar sound from, um, Alkaline Trio? No, really!

Gold Digger-Kanye West
She ain’t messin’ with no broke brokes…then she would be a gold digger for sure.

Take Me Out-Franz Ferdinand
Make us white folks dance to rock again, puh-leeze!

The National-Mistaken For Strangers
Like a big city at night, all glowing Citibank signs and people who may be your friends.

Usher-Yeah
Bum Bum BUM buh…OKAY! URSHER! If that doesn’t get you pumped, you have never danced like a white fool to this joint.

Beyonce-Crazy in Love
Those horns! That ass! Jigga!

Jay-Z-99 Problems
New York hip hop…grimey, rockin, Rick Rubin. Need I say more?

The Strokes-Last Nite
The chick is leaving, and it sounds like Julian really doesn’t give a shit. Of course, there will be another sexy model in right after her.

Common-The Light
The rare love song in hip hop that works.

The Shins-Kissing the Lipless
Whatever was going on here, it was some deep shit.

Kid Cudi-Day N Nite (Crookers Remix)
Paranoia in rap songs usually makes for awesomeness (see “Mind Playin Tricks on Me). No exception here.

Riddlin Kids-I Feel Fine
Counting down the chorus and then ANNOUNCING said chorus never sounded so awesome as it did here.

All American Rejects-Swing Swing
“Swing Swing from the tangles of my heart” sounds like some straight 9th grade creative writing shit but it works here!

New Found Glory-Hit Or Miss
Jumping on the “Thriller is cool” bandwagon early, New Found Glory captures the rush of puppy love.

SR-71-Right Now
The last dying gasp of pop punk magic with its cotton candy rush and summer in the chorus.

Playgroup-Number One
The dance anthem of an alternate universe.

System of A Down-Chop Suey!
Four minutes of fucking crazy, beautiful harmonies, yelling about keys, and suicide. Yet, it works.

Johnny Cash-Hurt
A fitting epilogue for one of the most important musicians of our time.

Nine Inch Nails-Only
Funky self absorption.

And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead-Relative Ways
All strum und drang with awesome screaming. There was a minute there in 2003 when I thought these guys were gonna be the next U2.

Bright Eyes-First Day of My Life
“I’d rather be working for a paycheck/Then tryin’ to win the lottery” is such a fantastic line.

The Darkness-I Believe in a Thing Called Love
When that falsetto hits, you know its rockout time!

Best Albums of the Last Decade (Part 2)

2010-01-02T12:29:00.006-06:00

#26 Common-Be
Common at his poppiest, and at his best lyrically. Even at the time, it felt like there was nowhere to go but down for Com (well, “Finding Forever” was pretty swell, but you saw the cracks). Too bad it was true…but at least we have the genius of “The Food” and “They Say”.

#25 Coup-Party Music
Raps “Communist Manifesto”. The funkiest song ever about murdering capitalists (“5 Million Ways to Kill a CEO”) and the best love jam about a woman lying about being your baby mama (“Nowalaters”). An album Castro would rock out to.

#24 Ghostface Killah - Supreme Clientele
A nice balance of crime pays raps and childhood whimsy done in the GFK way.

#23 OutKast - Speakerboxx/The Love Below
More than just "Hey Ya!", this disc would have made it on the sheer charisma of Andre 3000 alone. Throw in Big Boi's disc, and you've got a killer.

#22 Deftones-White Pony
Quite possibly the only album from the “Nu-Metal” genre that actually matters almost ten years later. The reason for this was variety. Songs like “Change” and “Teenager” had more depth than say, Linkin Park or Korn. And who can really deny the awesomeness of a song called “Knife Party”?

#21 Jay-Z The Black Album
A monster. From the all black cover, to the black backed disc, to Rick Rubin telling Jay-Z to go hard about his problems. It was understood that his problem wasn’t a bitch (seriously, Beyonce a problem?) nor was it finding the perfect beat (“Lucifer” and “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” spring to mind). The only problem was that The Black Album felt like the perfect career closer, an A plus. Jay-Z would make competent music again, but nothing like this.

#20 Green Day-Warning
Green Day did a 180 with “Warning” and decided that The Kinks were awesome. They made a good choice, because the title track and “Church on Sunday” stand up as two of the best rock songs of the last ten years. They would go back to their roots with their next album, but for one shining moment, Green Day flashed back to the garage.

#19 Death Cab For Cutie-Transatlanticism
Never has there been so much longing on one disc. I have probably played “Expo ‘86” 200 times since I bought this album back in 2004, and “I am waiting for something to go wrong/I am waiting for familiar results” never fails to make my heart twinge. Oh, and settling never sounded so pretty, with its bah-bah chorus.

#18 Kanye West - Graduation
Tighter and less sprawling than his previous two albums, "Graduation" wallops with sheer fire cuts such as "The Good Life" and "Champion".

#17 Ben Kweller-Sha Sha
When this album came out, the way I described it to friends was “Billy Joel meets Weezer”. Rockers like “Commerce, TX” and “Wasted and Ready” were power pop gems and the album closer “Falling” would have been right at home on “52nd Street”.

#16 Pearl Jam-S/T
The men of Pearl spent most of the decade in a holding pattern, releasing subpar discs with a few good songs on each. Then the “Avocado” album dropped, and all was forgiven. Avocado rocked harder than any other Pearl Jam disc (yes, that includes “Ten”) and switched the political focus from one man (Dubbya) to the ills of war and unemployment.

#15 Queens of the Stone Age-Rated R
Musically, it sounds like a bad trip through the desert. Then you listen to the absolute depth of lyrics. Just kidding, the lyrics are all bad trip mindfucks. “Feel Good Hit of The Summer” had only seven drugs referenced in the lyrics. “Monster In The Parasol” was, according to the band, about “Fuckin’ on E”. Strange that high school stoners didn’t make this the new “Dark Side of the Moon”.

#14 Vampire Weekend – S/T
If one album of the last couple of years deserves to be ridiculed, it may be this one. Ironic Lil John references, check. World music leanings, check. But somehow it lives up to the ungodly hype (the cover of SPIN before the album even came out) with pop gems like “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance” and “A-Punk”.

#13 The Hold Steady-Separation Sunday
Everyone listening had an inkling that Holly was the Hoodrat, but the journey to how the listener finds this out is the real treat. Who knew that a concept album about losing yourself and finding your own personal resurrection could rock so fucking hard?

#12 At The Drive In-Relationship of Command
A very diverse set for a band that was labeled punk at the time. One Armed Scissor was the big hit, but the song that matters most is “Invalid Letter Dept.”, a quasi ballad about the disappearances of women along the US-Mexican border. Also a perfect example of the sum being better than its parts, as the two bands that came out of ATDI (Sparta and Mars Volta) were very inconsistent.

#11 Weezer-Green Album
The anticipation for this album was like nothing I have ever experienced. “Where did they go?” “Did you hear that Rivers guy was in an asylum or something?” Then “Hash Pipe” dropped (I heard it for the first time on some alt station while crossing the Skyway Bridge in St.Petersburg my senior year) and the true believers knew something interesting was going to happen. Interesting turned out to be “Photograph” and “Island in the Sun” which would have sat fine on The Blue Album.

#10 The Streets-A Grand Don’t Come for Free
If there is one album that needs to be made into a movie from the last decade, it would be “A Grand Don’t Come For Free” (Well, maybe this and “Separation Sunday”). It’s a day in the life of a bloke, a day where this bloke does a shit load of drugs, drinks a lot, cheats on his woman, loses his woman, etc. Sure the ending of the story is a little convoluted (really, how could all that money fall into the back of a TV?) but like any great story, it’s the journey that interests, not the ending.

#9 Lyrics Born-Later That Day
The best party album of the decade. Later That Day was a rap album but played more like some 70s party funk shit, rocking the casbah with “Callin Out” and “Bad Dreams.” LB even gives you something for the end of the party (super love jam “Love Me So Bad”).

#8 White Stripes-White Blood Cells
True story. I brought this album over to a friend’s house the day I bought it (based on the “Hotel Yorba” video on MTV the night before). I also had bought “The Guest” by Phantom Planet the same day. The buddy made me take out the White Stripes, saying that they sucked. Guess what album has gotten more play in the last seven years?

#7 Killers-Sams Town
Most critics bust metaphorical nuts over the dance heavy “Hot Fuss”. Most critics are wrong. Sam’s Town slays the other Killers albums released this decade because of the raw emotion it conveys. Sure, the lyrics about Grandma Dixie’s wake and reading minds seem a little corny, but they are delivered with some Springsteen-esqe heart. And, how fucking great is “When You Were Young” still three years after its release?

#6 The Shins-Chutes Too Narrow
Like "Transatlanticism", an album that signaled a sea-change in music and culture right before the Bush-Kerry showdown (hey, the indie kids are owning it). The first album may have changed Zach Braff’s life, but Chutes was more consistent. Tracks like “Kissing The Lipless” and “Turn a Square” had some mighty vague lyrics (“Tennis shorts made of stripes”?) but the music let you in on the secrets the words did not.

#5 Jimmy Eat World-Bleed American
The most Emo of the emo, but not in a bad way, “Bleed American” (later retitled Jimmy Eat World due to 9/11) felt like young love and hope, with a bit of classic nostalgia thrown in for good measure. “The Middle” went top 5 and was on “Kidz Bop!” but the lyric that sums up the album is from “If You Don’t, Don’t.” “We once walked down on the beach/and once I almost touched your hand”. Now if you don’t feel a heart twitter from that, well, my friends you have never been emo.

#4 The Strokes- Is This It?
The death knell for shitty rap rock acts, "Is This It?" ushered in a new era of rockin that looked toward the past for a glimpse into the future. Oh yeah, and it was also really really fun. I can remember where I was when I saw the video for "Last Nite" (my parents basement) and I can remember what I was thinking ("these guys are going to take over the world"). Too bad it didn't happen like that, but for one shining moment post 9/11, The Strokes brought it.

#3 Jay-Z-The Blueprint
AKA “Kanye West’s Rookie Card.” Mister West produced three of the most classic on an album of classics (“Takeover”, “Izzo (H.O.V.A)” and “Heart of the City”) and put himself on the map while elevating Jigga to new heights. To quote Jay-Z himself, this album was so motherfuckin soulful.

#2 Kings Of Leon-Aha Shake Heartbreak
The greasiest, nastiest, most bored album of the decade. There’s gonna be a fight, someone would come all over your party if he could if that damn coke would wear off, and there will be a king of the rodeo at the gathering. In the middle of it all, a hit single about love and premature baldness. Who knew they would sell out the Garden? Who KNEW?

#1 The Hold Steady-Boys and Girls In America
Ah yes, the album of the decade. What can be said about an album that crams so many things into so little space? Craig Finn has the undeniable ability to make you care about the characters he created, a trait that he shares with Dylan and Springsteen. Some may say that I rate this album of the decade due to the fact that I know some of the things Finn speaks on (I worked at the Northtown Mall for three years, I currently spend 50 hours a week Southtown, I have a semi-intimate knowledge of Osseo) but that is not the case. It’s the music, the muscle bound guitar, the keyboards. It’s the stories (Why didn’t the dude at the Chillout Tent get that girls number? Is there really a girl who knows the winners of every horse race? How did those two fuckups win Prom King and Queen?). The Hold Steady speak on truths, on hope, on America viewed through the eyes of a nice Catholic boy from Edina. The perfect storm of story, music and lack of pretense was just what was needed by me (and I can only assume others) in a pretty awful era. And that is why Boys And Girls in America is the album of the decade.

Best Albums of the Last Decade (Part 1)

2010-01-02T12:08:00.007-06:00

So here you go. My interpretation of the best of the best of the last ten years. I will publish the best tracks of the decade, the TWO! lists I got from readers, and the best of 09 list later this week...

Honorable Mentions:

Here are some of the albums that I considered for the top 50 but just didn't make the cut. Its not that they weren't classic albums, its that they just had one flaw (in my opinion) that kept them from cracking the big list.

Fiona Apple -"Extraordinary Machine", D'Angelo -"Voodoo", The Libertines "Up The Bracket", Beck "Sea Change", Johnny Cash "American IV"

Editors note: I would also like to add The Gaslight Anthem "The '59 Sound" and Against Me! "New Wave" to the list as #50B and #50C. That is the great thing about lists. You can always change them...

And now, to quote the immortal Casey Kasem..."on with the countdown"

#50 Cody ChesnuTT-The headphone masterpiece
You have to love the balls. A no-name records an album in his house and calls it a masterpiece. Funny thing was, he wasn’t lying. The album runs the gamut from wistful (“In The Treehouse”) to hilarious (“Bitch I’m Broke”) to straight up rockin’ (“Young Upstarts in a Blowout”, “Look Good In Leather”). Too bad Mister ChesnuTT gave up the ghost after this one…but maybe its all he had in the tank.

#49 Ben Folds -Rockin' The Suburbs

#48 Franz Ferdinand - S/T
Or as David Lee Roth may have said it "Dance the night away." Pretty sure DLR wasn't dancing with dudes named Michael though.

#47 The Hold Steady-Almost Killed Me

#46 Kings of Leon - Only By the Night

#45 Radiohead - Kid A
I remember people skipping school for this beast senior year. Skip school for a record? Do people even do shit like that anymore? Oh, and "The National Anthem" and its brothers on this disc lived up to the hype.

#44 Beck -Guero
The funkiest disc since "Odelay", "Guero" was a hell of a lot more fun than "Sea Change".

#43 Get Up Kids - On A Wire
Some of the most heartbreaking songs of the decade tempered with a Beatles-esqe bounce.

#42 Green Day- American Idiot
After “American Idiot” came out, I unfairly called it better than “Dookie”. I was wrong. Some people can’t get around the “political” nature of the album, but its more of a story of bored and sad teenagers than one about Bush. Remember, American Idiots were around long before Dubbya and will be here long after.

#41 Interpol-Antics
Interpol came out of the gate being called a Joy Division clone. “Antics” disproved this theory, and how! Songs like “C’Mere” and “Slow Hands” boomed with anthemic intensity. Too bad Interpol wouldn’t hit heights like this again.

#40 Wilco - A Ghost Is Born

#39 Eagles of Death Metal – Peace, Love, Death Metal
A nonstop throwdown on wax, one that involves Frenching the devil, apple wine and Stealers Wheel. Josh Homme claimed that this is what the Eagles would sound like if they were a death metal band. The Eagles only wish they could kick this much skuzzy ass.

#38 Prince-Musicology
In which one of the GOATs decides to quit fucking around with avant garde bullshit and make something straightforward. It sold like hotcakes and contained some of the funkiest shit the mans dropped in years (“Illusion, Coma, Pimp and Circumstance” and “Musicology” were undeniable). A trip back in the day while still seeming thoroughly modern.

#37 The Darkness-Permission To Land
We all knew had a feeling this was going to be a flash in the pan, a one off. But what a fucking ride it was! If you didn’t smile the first time you heard Justin Hawkins sing “I Believe In a Thing Called Love” like he was channeling some mutant Freddie Mercury, you have no soul. Songs about genital warts “Growing On Me” and school activities “Friday Night” were aural Velveeta—cheesy, bad for you but oh so goddamned good.

#36 Kanye West - Late Registration
The better, star studded follow up to the critical darling (but sort of lacking) "The College Dropout." If you don't like "Gold Digger," you weren't 21 and at a bar when it dropped.

#35 Arcade Fire-Funeral
Sounding a lot more like classic rock than the indie hipsters would want you to believe, “Funeral” combined orchestral flourishes and driving backbeats in 2004 like no other album.

#34 Radiohead-In Rainbows
The secret best Radiohead album of the 2000’s. Sure, “Kid A” was more influential. But “In Rainbows” was where “The Bends” met “Kid A” and grew up. Rockin’ at some points, contemplative at others, and just downright gorgeous at others (“Videotape”).

#33 Alkaline Trio – From Here To Infirmary
The pop punk album Elvis Costello would have made had he debuted in 1995. Happy shiny riffs coupled with biting lyrics about being a drunk fuckup who loses women and friends. Who could forget as wonderful a line is “Remember when I said I loved you?/Well forget it I take it back”?

#32 TV On The Radio-Dear Science

#31 Phoenix-Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
The album where Phoenix finally put it all together. Other albums had killer singles and filler, where “Wolfgang” had nothing but killer pop anthems. Rightfully so, “1901” became the groups first hit in the US.

#30 Ghostface Killah-Fishscale
The best surrealist painting in the history of rap music. Yes, the album was about coke (a rap sub-genre that I absolutely hate). But Fishscale was so much more than that. So many specific product references dot the tracks it feels like Dutch Masters, Snapple and Pyrex were paying GFK, and I am sure that “Underwater” had nothing to do with coke and waaaaayy more to do with LSD. Spongebob in a Bentley, really?

#29 New Pornographers-Electric Version
Power pop for now people!

#28 NERD-…In Search Of
In 2002, Pharrell was king, Chad Hugo was his resident alchemist, and that Shay dude sat on the fucking couch and played Madden. Together they made beautiful music about lapdances, boob-kissing, hauling coke, being rock stars, and running into the sun. A kick ass party album from guys who knew how to get down.

#27 Flaming Lips-Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots
The perfect album for smoking joints in a Honda Civic (not like that ever happened to me…). Sunshine-y tunes about Japanese girls and robots with some of the most humane lyrics of the decade (“Do You Realize?” and “Fight Test” should be required listening for anyone without a soul).

Mad About Mad Men

2009-12-28T23:24:00.002-06:00

I received Mad Men seasons 1 and 2 for Christmas this year. I enjoyed both season 2 and 3 of this marvelous show previously, but after watching season one this weekend, I have to say this.

Mad Men may be the best drama that I have ever seen.

All the characters are perfectly developed, from the lowly secretaries getting sexually harassed in order to land a husband all the way up to the main characters. Every glance, every word has meaning. For those who idealize the 60s as some sort of utopia before the hippies came along, Mad Men tears a huge hole in that theory.

Don Draper, the big swinging head of the Sterling Cooper ad agency, drinks, smokes and cheats his way to the top of Madison Avenue. He's a strange sort of anti-hero, but while watching, you can't help but love him. Actually, all the characters are sort of reprehensible, but that is what makes the show go. They are real people, or at least as real as people on TV can be.

Draper also has a good run of mistresses. His wife is a sexy robot type, but he seems to pick women with substance. The Jewish department store owner. The beatnik chick. The teacher. All are compensating for the shallowness of a supposedly perfect life. Just another layer of complexity in this brilliant show.

Albums/Singles of the 2000s

2009-12-14T10:46:00.002-06:00

Loyal readers,

I would like some submissions for albums/singles of the last decade (2000-2009). Length can be whatever you like, choices can be whatever you like (diversity breeds goodness). Please email your submissions by 12/31/09 to JDE1112@hotmail.com.

Oh, and no jokes. I don't want a top five consisting of Nickelback songs.

Thanks,
Jake Eickholt

Vampire Weekend - Everywhere (Cover)

2009-12-07T21:43:00.001-06:00

80s Fleetwood Mac sort of sucked, but it had its moments..."Everywhere" was one of my highlights. And Vampire Weekend straight up kills this cover.

I Want You Back

2009-12-07T19:14:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I reminisce over my life and this reminiscence comes back to one overwhelming thing: products that no longer exist that I wish did. Well, either that or drunken times in college. ANYWAYS...here are a few things I wish came back from the dead.

Cookies and Creme Twix-God, these things were good. It was a cookie layer and a cream layer covered in chocolate. The good folks at Twix started pimping PB Twix, and that was the end of the Cookies and Creme

Apple Slice-Pepsi used to make Apple, Cherry, Orange, Lemon Lime and Dr Slice. Then it was just Orange, Lemon Lime and Dr. Now, its none of the above. Apple Slice tasted like Apple Snapple, only carbonated. It was heavenly.

CD Singles/45s/Cassingles-If only for the B-Sides. I remember buying the singles from the first Third Eye Blind album just for the B-Sides (and yes, that album is incredibly underrated). You just don't get that value added with digital downloads.

Instruction Manuals for Video games-I remember getting Super Mario 2 for Chirstmas when I was 8 and reading about the transsexual dinosaur named Birdo that shot eggs out of its snout. Sure, games still come with manuals, but where are the crazy ass backstory to confuse an 8 year old boy?

Snack Wells Yogurt-Especially the chocolate cherry variety. I would throw one of those joints in the freezer and it was like frozen yogurt but only better.

McPatty Melt from McDonalds-A quarter pounder on rye bread with fried onions and Cheez Whiz. I remember eating 2 of these during a blizzard on the way to a North Stars-Maple Leafs game and falling in love.

An Alt-Rock Radio Station in MPLS-Sure, we have the Current, but I can only stand so much sub-par dead air from DJs and mindless twee pop. I want balls to the wall stations like Zone 105 and The Edge, stations that only had 30 song playlists and featured a "flashback lunch".

Anything else, loyal reader(s)?

Record Show Journal 12/5/09

2009-12-05T13:18:00.002-06:00

The Uptown VFW was once again the host to a record show today. And once again, the collection of folk who like to dig through piles of hot wax did not fail to disappoint.

Record shows usually draw out three broad groups of people. There are the old burnouts who love rambling about seeing Blue Cheer back in '68. There are the smelly dorks rocking Starter jackets looking for first pressings of obscure garage records. And finally there are the hipster kids with their gigantic 80s glasses, skinny jeans and neck beards who sell weird metal and "noise" records. I have a love/hate relationship with them all. I love them due to the fact that I can obtain KISS records for pennies on the dollar from the elitist burnouts and dorks, and I hate them because they have no concept of personal space or public decorum.

The show is always a great place to eavesdrop on stupid conversations about freak pop culture things you would hear no where else. Today, I heard two unwashed 40 somethings talk about NWA Wrestling from Florida for at least a half an hour. I had walked away from the bins in their general area, came back, and they were still talking about Harley Race and Abdullah The Butcher. One actually called Barry Horrowitz a great wrestler. I was also offered "a great price on steaks" by some redneck in the parking lot. Yep, these are the kind of people I choose to spend my Saturdays with.

Today's show was a huge success for me personally due to two factors: one was the place smelled more like hamburgers and hot dogs and less like farts than it usually does, and two was that I got a ton of great records for cheap. Here's the haul:

-The Jam "Sound Affects"
-Bob Seger "Seven"
-The Music Explosion "Little Bit O' Soul"
-Issac Hayes "Black Moses
-Wizzard "Eddy and the Falcons"
-Dead Kennedys "In God We Trust, Etc"
-Dave Edmunds "Tracks on Wax"
-Stevie Wonder "My Cherie Amour"
-KISS "Double Platinum"

Total spent: 27 bucks. Well, 29 bucks if you count the enterance fee.

Catch Me Now I'm Falling

2009-11-30T22:49:00.003-06:00

I am truly, madly, deeply-do in love with the song "Catch Me Now I'm Falling" by the Kinks at this moment. This deep tissue love started in the dining area of a Davannis, and I have been on the lookout for the CD on which the song is contained for a few months. Unfortunately, the CD ran $17.99 at my local Cheapo (I guess there is a high demand for late period British rock music). So I bought that ish on vinyl.

Let me tell you, the rest of the album Low Budget does not disappoint. It plays like some sort of bastard child of disco, punk and arena rock. Sort of like if the Van Halen cover of "You Really Got Me" had actually been remade by the OGs. Even the album cover feels a little glitter glam, with a stiletto walking over a ciggie boo with The Kinks and the album title stenciled in chalk on the sidewalk.

The big hit off the LP ("I Wish I Could Fly Like Superman") is mid-range disco rock cheez, not as bad as "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" and nowhere near as good as "Last Train to London." Still, an enjoyment for the $3.60 I spent for it.

Pickin On Randoms 11/20/09

2009-11-20T19:46:00.002-06:00

-Saw "Pirate Radio" the other night. Great movie, great music. It was one of those movies that, going into, I knew I was going to love. I mean, I have always been interested in British culture and the music of that time. Plus, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Murray from "Flight Of The Concords" and Ed from "Shaun of the Dead". According to Wikipedia, the DVD will have like an hour of extras. I can't wait.

-Picked up "I Might Be Wrong" by Radiohead in the cutout bin at HBP today. Its funny how when "Kid A" came out I thought it was the weirdest thing I had ever heard, and today it sounds like straight up rock music (granted with a ambient electronic edge). How Radiohead influenced a whole generation of bands (for better or worse) is something I haven't really realized until now.

-Bought Bill Simmons new "Book of Basketball". I haven't cracked its weary spine yet, but I'm pretty excited to. My relationship with Mister Simmons words is complex...I love some of the stuff he writes, but he dwells too much on shitty 80s movies ("Vision Quest" anyone?) and his brahski tendencies overwhelm occasionally. But the MFer knows his hoops, and hopefully the book dials down some of the Vegas references.

A Guy Walks into a Target...

2009-11-17T22:21:00.003-06:00

Went to Target tonight for granola bars and the new Felt disc "Felt 3: A Tribute to Rosie Perez". Its pretty good, the beats are a lot harder than Felt 2 (on which I dug the harder edged jams more than the slow joints). Plus, there is a shout out to Pizza Luce in the liner notes. I mean, who doesn't want to validate the best pizza on earth...or at least outside of Chicago.

The Cuts! (Album Oriented Version)
Felt 3
Portishead-Third
King Khan and the Shrines- The Supreme Genius of...
Hall and Oates-Private Eyes

Litterbug...Clap, Clap...Litterbug

2009-11-16T21:32:00.002-06:00

Recently, I was at a gathering thrown by one of my co-workers. I was keeping it cool, making small talk about people from work, sports, etc, until some non-co-worker types showed up. One of the girls went on a rant about people who don't recycle, apropos of nothing. This bothered the bejezzus out of me, for one reason:

I think recycling is bullshit, plain and simple.

Recycling is, in theory, great. But so are marriage and communism. I should preface this with the fact that I know no actual facts about what happens to what when I dump my cans, paper and glass into a garbage can that is picked up by the same Waste Management truck my garbage is. It just feels like all that "recyclable" refuge winds up right next to the Pampers and apple cores in the incinerator. Also, I get no monetary benefit from it. Finally, most people have sorta given up on recycling. Shit, when I lived in New Brighton, I wasn't even given the OPTION to recycle.

Anyways, I think I won the argument that night by throwing out two totally unrelated points. They were
-I also love to litter
-I am the realest person that this woman would ever meet

We became BFFs by the time point two was spoken, which goes to show, no one really cares that much about recycling anyways.

We Are The Goon Squad. And We're Coming To Town

2009-10-24T21:47:00.003-05:00

Another Saturday Night, and I ain't got nobody...
In all actuality, that's not entirely correct. I do have Urban Meyer, Tim Tebow, and David Bowie in clown makeup to keep me company. Bowie at full blast, Urban and Tim in the background with the sound off. It's not like I really need the sound on to deduce that Meyer is saying something like "Tim Tebow is the best football player ever. He is also like a son to me, more so than my own sons." God, do I hate most college football...

The Bowie, well that's more important. Every time I fetishize on Bowie, I always go for one of two albums (those two being "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars" and "Low") while totally overlooking "Scary Monsters." Let me tell you...this album amazing. Nothing but killer ("Ashes to Ashes", "Fashion", "Kingdom Come", "Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps)") and no instrumentals like on "Low" or "Heroes." It sounds futuristic and throwback at the same time.

The only drawbacks have nothing to do with the music. One being the cover looks like a haircutting book my mom got from Aveda when she graduated in 1980 (that always kind of creeped me out as a kid) and two is that the album spawned the New Romantic music scene. So somehow Bowie birthed Ultravox. I guess that can be forgiven though.

Pickin' On Randoms 10/20/09

2009-10-20T22:23:00.004-05:00

-I am in love with the song "You and I" by Wilco/Feist off of "Wilco The Album". It's like some magical 1970s time warp happened and this ambrosia came out of it. It actually made me go pick up the Feist CD, something I would have found far too g-a-y to do when it came out a couple summers ago.

-Brett Favre has still not won my heart. Its like if your parents got divorced and your mom started seeing your worst enemy. Even if he was better to your mom than your dad in every single way, you still would hate the fucking bastard.

-Fuck the Yankees...although the way they are molesting the Halos makes them look like the best team in about 30 years...a few "character" guys, cagey vets, and Jeter and A-Rod. I still think the Phils would put up a fight against these cats, but damn they look solid right about now. And CC is KILLING it.

-I ate brats twice today, and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it.

-The thought that Lebron may have even thought about having cancer scares me. What would I do for my mannish basketball fix if he slipped the surly bonds of earth and became one with the heavens?

-The "surly bonds of earth" quote above (what Reagan said when the Challenger blew up) may be my favorite historical quote of the last 50 years. I wonder who wrote that one?

Freaky Friday

2009-10-17T16:50:00.002-05:00

So the first night I get to go and tie one on since getting over the flu results in my favorite watering hole being hijacked by lesbians. And not the Jenna Jameson style either. Lets just put it this way...one looked exactly like Greg "The Hammer" Valentine.

I mean, seriously, is there any group of people who are less easy to classify than lesbians? For reals, yo. These chicks all either looked like K.D. Lang or Melissa Etheridge, yet still felt the need to change the lyrics to "Joy To The World" to "I'm A Straight Shootin Son of a BITCH" instead of "gun". I get it, you like to do the same kinda people I do. Now can we move on. I don't feel the need to yell "I really like tits and girl-ass" when I'm going off on "The Gambler".

Due to the fact that I couldn't get in more than one song from the usually reliable "DJ Tom", the party of five left the Palace early and I cuddled up with a cheesy bean and rice burrito from Taco Bell. Even though it ended prematurely, I still enjoyed the night.